Are you a "control freak"?

[Halcyon]

Okay, so in the space of the last 2 days, I've been called a "control freak" by two people--one in a joking way, one not so jokey. :lol: I actually read Amy Chua's book this week, and while I definitely don't see eye to eye with her on everything I do agree that parents need to be very, very involved with their kids especially when they're young.

 

They point to my classical homeschooling, which means I guess by its very nature that I am "controlling" (not sure about this one...) and my desire to work within a somewhat structured schedule every day (again, I don't think much would be accomplished if we didn't follow a schedule of some sort.)

 

Does being a classical homeschooler mean you are "controlling"? Does selecting a few books from which your child may then select his reading mean you are "controlling"? Does not allowing your kids to watch TV during the week mean you're "controlling"? Does limiting junk food mean you're "controlling"? Does requiring your child to pick up his room daily mean you're "controlling? I admit--to get these things accomplished or make them happen means I must be "in control". Is there a difference between "in control" and "controlling"?

 

I allow my kids quite a bit more freedom than many moms LOL - some moms have said I am too relaxed and that they could never let go as much as I do!!! :lol: So I guess it all depends, right?

Edited April 19, 2011 by Halcyon

[Jennifer in MI]

Okay, so in the space of the last 2 days, I've been called a "control freak" by two people--one in a joking way, one not so jokey. :lol:

 

They point to my classical homeschooling, which means I guess by its very nature that I am "controlling" (not sure about this one...) and my desire to work within a somewhat structured schedule every day.

 

Does being a classical homeschooler mean you are "controlling"? Does selecting a few books from which your child may then select his reading mean you are "controlling"? Does not allowing your kids to watch TV during the week mean you're "controlling"? Does limiting junk food mean you're "controlling"? Does requiring your child to pick up his room daily mean you're "controlling? I admit--to get these things accomplished or make them happen means I must be "in control". Is there a difference between "in control" and "controlling"?

 

I allow my kids quite a bit more freedom than many moms LOL - some moms have said I am too relaxed and that they could never let go as much as I do!!! :lol: So I guess it all depends, right?

 

A very timely post!!!! I do the same things - control their schooling - reading, no tv during the week, limiting junk food, make them pick up, etc, etc, etc. Yup. I am.

 

But, I'm also told I allow too much freedom in other respects. I allow my kids to ride into town on their bikes (2 miles away). I allow my kids to walk down to the pier and fish. They ride to karate and baseball by themselves (1 mile away). I allow them to have weapons - airsoft guns, slingshots, bbguns, etc.

 

You can't win can you???

[Murphy101]

I have no qualms being a bit of a freak. Controling or not.

 

If all the things you mention are marks of a control freak - then I guess I am and quite happy that way.

[Halcyon]

I am glad I am not alone! I too allow my kids free roam of our neighbourhood (together), allow them quite a bit of free time with which to do what they wish, allow them to pick dinner each once a week, choose fun activities for the weekend....

 

I've been called a control freak a lot! This week since it happened twice in 2 days I began to really mull it over.

 

I think I need to embrace being a control freak.

[Parrothead]

I don't think of what you described as being a control freak. I think of it as being a proactive parent.

[LauraGB]

I think the meaning of the term "control freak" is in the eye of the beholder. Some people need to be told what to do, and they are generally the ones who spout about "control freaks" and all. ::Shrug:: If they don't like it, it'd be nice if they'd cut me some slack by doing what's expected of them by society without needing to be prompted or coerced (I mean, good grief - think of all the other things I could be doing! Oh the spare time I'd have....).

 

(I'm sort of kidding, but way sort of not.)

Edited April 19, 2011 by LauraGB

[Elizabeth in WA]

I am a control freak, I admit it. It is one of the major reasons I homeschool. Not to control the kids, but to control their education. I found that I couldn't play nice with public school, especially since they insisted on sending so much work home for me to reteach along with ridiculous amounts of homework that, in my view, constituted busywork. Gymnastics gave a final push, in that it just wasn't possible to get all the busy, er I mean, homework done for young gymnast, but I took ds11 out of the highly gifted program essentially because the school and I just could not seem to play nice together.

 

In theory, my kids have a tremendous amount of freedom in their free time - very few restrictions on TV or computer games. In practice, unless they are working hard and on top of all their school work, they don't have free time. (The TV has not been on at all on a weekday in months.) With 20+ hours/week of gymnastics, ds13 certainly has much less free time than he would like. I, very unfeelingly, point out that he does not have to do gymnastics if he does not want to and that I consider that to be free time for him.

[elegantlion]

I'm not controlling. I'm pretty set about some things about school, but in others I'm pretty laid back.

 

I live with one type A spouse and a ds who understands logic and argumentation without training, my level of control is very small.

 

As parents I think we are controlling in the areas that will matter in five years. Others things, not so much.

[kalanamak]

I picked number three. If I am responsible for something, man oh man, don't stand in my way. If I am not responsible for something, c'est la vie.

 

However, I have a lot of responsibilities, so I exercise quite a bit of control. I have noticed, however, I tend to try and get someone "on the team", and if they don't have the same sense of goal or responsibility as I do, I tend to just do their work as well as my own. I don't write "please get the ultrasound report" in the orders on a ward where I think the nurse is busy or lazy or an eeeeeeediot. I made the call while I'm doing paper work. I have all the pertinent numbers in a little brown book, and I wheedle and flatter until I get the darn report. My boss wrote of me "has an uncanny ability to get information". :lol: I make the call myself!

 

So, while I am a bit of a control freak, it is mostly ME I control. :)

[2cents]

I've been called a control freak. I guess it is true. It isn't a bad thing. :D

[blakereese]

I am definitely a control freak. :o

 

I don't think that most of what you mentioned really describes a control freak. Parents need to be in control somewhat, especially when children are small. I think your list describes a good parent!!

 

But I am a control freak, in many ways. It's just my personality. At this point, when someone calls me one I take it as a compliment. :lol:

[Jean in Newcastle]

I've been told that I'm anal. :glare:

 

I'm controlling about some things but not others. School is controlled. Free time is not. Their entrepreneurial endeavors are monitored but not controlled.

[AvasMom]

Yup!! I consider it a compliment. :D

[In2why]

I am a control freak. I think most Mom's of multiple children have to be, or little would get done.

 

My extended family refer to me as "The General" but in a loving way, not mean. They know that in crisis, or upheaval I get things done. I also like Tina Fey and her skit on B&t$es. They also get things done.

[OrganicAnn]

I don't think the opposite of a control freak is that kids do anything they want. My thoughts of control freaks is that they micromanage every little thing and can't let anything go. I think you can have rules and standards without being a control freak.

[Lolly]

I'm at the bottom with not controlling. My kids do pretty much what they want with few exceptions. My girls do almost totally what they want to do. I feel like I am pretty much just a guide at this point for them. Ds, well, I control a little bit more. Oddly enough, many people I know (but who do not actually know me well at all) would say I was a control freak without hesitating. :confused:

[Ginevra]

 

Is there a difference between "in control" and "controlling"?

 

 

 

I think there is a difference between being "structured" and being "controlling." To me, "controlling" carries more of the connotation of micro-managing things that are not very important. For example, "You need to change that shirt, as it is too small and is no longer appropriate" is the good kind of control. "Go change that shirt because it is orange and I hate orange," may be the bad kind of controlling (although I admit I have said that). :tongue_smilie:

 

I also think that "controlling" (the bad kind) extends longer than it should. If you're still deciding how much broccoli your kid has to eat when they are 12, that's bad controlling IMO.

 

I see myself as having pretty tight standards and I'm sure that uber-relaxed moms think I'm controlling. I don't really care if they do. :D I believe children need guidance and structure; the younger they are, the more I believe that to be true.

[nukeswife]

I am controlling in typical areas, what my kid do in school, when they can go do other things, their schedule, but most consider me to mellow in the area of screen time. I really don't care how much they watch.

[IsabelC]

To me, being a control freak means controlling people/things around you inappropriately, due to your own psychological issues. So if you are censoring your child's reading or requiring a clean room because you have considered the matter and made a decision that this is in her best interest, that's not being a control freak. If you do these things because you have unresolved hurt from your own childhood that are causing anxiety whenever you let your child make her own decisions, then you might have a problem.

 

We all have very different beliefs about how much control we should exert, and in what areas, when it comes to our kids. You might think I neglect my children because I let them dress how they like and I take them out barefoot. But I might think you don't control enough if you allow your children to eat foods with artificial coloring. We'd both be controlling, but choosing different areas to exercise that control.

[mama2cntrykids]

I am a control freak and I hate it. I'm trying hard to relax more about stuff. Well, maybe not everything exactly. To me there's a "good" control freak and a "bad" control freak. Example:

Good control freak...making sure kids pick up after themselves, brush teeth, healthy food *most* of the time, limit screen time *most* of the time, etc...

Bad control freak...micro-managing many aspects of another person's life (esp. a child/teen). I'm more on the side of this than I like to admit. I also do many of the "good" control freak things, but too many of the bad also. Trying so hard to change!

[Rosie_0801]

Oh yes, I'm a Mean Mamma because I won't let my kids watch annoying tv shows. It's not like dumbed down or fast paced whizz bang shows do them any harm, and besides, they LIKE them. (They also like my collection of musicals, so I don't see why we need to annoy me when there is a compromise that leaves everyone happy.)

 

On the other hand, a father and child left a playground once because dd was setting a bad example. She wasn't using the equipment correctly! (Yawn, whatever. I'll care when she starts throwing sand and not a second before.)

 

Unless you are completely micromanaging everyone and everything, I think "control freak" means "you do things differently to how I do, and I don't want to know about it."

 

Rosie

[DarlaS]

I have no qualms being a bit of a freak. Controling or not.

 

If all the things you mention are marks of a control freak - then I guess I am and quite happy that way.

 

:iagree:

 

It's kind of necessary in this occupation IMO.

[Cheryl in NM]

I'm a recovering control freak, under threat of divorce. :tongue_smilie:

 

No really, but I'm recovering because poor DH just couldn't take another minute!

[*~Tina~*]

I've been told that I'm anal. :glare:

 

 

I'm pretty sure I'm in that category. It's only as I've gotten older that I can even see it for myself. It's exacerbated by my OCD or perhaps it is because of my OCD, but either way, it's as onerous to me as much as it must be to others around me. :tongue_smilie:

[Audrey]

I am only controlling in regard to those things that other people can never manage to do properly. :tongue_smilie:

[texasmama]

Halcyon, you have never struck me as a "control freak", for whatever that is worth from someone who has only met you on a computer screen.:lol:

 

I keep a tight rein on a few things - our school schedule and things related to safety and health. Otherwise, I'm pretty relaxed. I'm too old, tired and busy to micromanage everyone here. :lol:

[wapiti]

One key moment on my journey to homeschooling happened last fall. I was chatting with some homeschooling friends about curricula, and one of them said something like, "so what you're really saying is that you want CONTROL???" :lol: Um, yep, I am a control freak.

 

But I chose option #3 because there are plenty of other things which unfortunately I am not a control freak about (such as the housekeeping and whether there are holes in the knees of boys' pants :tongue_smilie:).

[jewellsmommy]

I think homeschooler equals automatic control freak to some people. ;)

 

 

Very true. But, I think it is most likely true in my case.

 

Prime example: I joined a co-op 2 yrs ago. I am teaching the science and art class of my children. This way I get to decide which curriculum is used, what is taught and how :D. The only other classes they take there are PE and history, but I teach history at home (one step ahead) so their co-op history is always just review :lol:. So why even bother with a co-op :001_huh:? I keep asking myself that. I guess for the PE :tongue_smilie:.

[sassenach]

When I hear that term, I think of a person who doesn't trust anyone around them to do things right. If you often say the phrase, "It's ok, I'll just do it myself," you might be a control freak. In my experience, control freaks limit those around them. They are afraid that someone may screw something up, so they just never let them try. I have a close ministry relationship with a control freak, and it is exhausting. Everything in her sphere has to be done by her, and eventually other people just give up trying.

 

I agree with a previous poster who said that your non-freak phrase doesn't work. Not being a control freak doesn't mean that kids raise themselves. It means that they get to exert an appropriate level of free will in their lives. I am not a control freak, but I do oversee some pretty big responsibilities. I am a wife, a parent, a teacher, a kids ministry director, and a co-op director. I trust those who volunteer under me to be responsible adults. I'm ok with them doing things differently than I would. I'm ok with mistakes, imperfection, lessons learned, ect. But, I still make my kids brush their teeth.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I don't think of what you described as being a control freak. I think of it as being a proactive parent.

 

:iagree: I voted that I'm controlling about some things, like the proper way to load the dishwasher and fold towels :D, and other things that don't really matter. I am certainly not controlling about other things, like making them play a sport or not playing with "girl toys" or obsessively worrying about germs, like some people (my cousin!) I know.

 

But, when it comes to the schooling and parenting choices, I don't consider those to be controlling. People have different philosophies about education and child rearing, and mine is that children need structure, focus and consequences (both good and bad) for their actions. I also limit screen time, make them do chores and read from a selection of books I've chosen. We have cut out pretty much all processed foods from our diet. These are parenting choices we make in order to have the lifestyle we desire for ourselves and our children.

[lionfamily1999]

I don't know :D If I'm the leader of something I plan it, as a parent I tell the kids what needs to be done by when, but it's a pretty big window. I prefer to let people do things according to how it works best for them. So, if I need something or want something, I'm normally willing to let the person doing/giving do whatever is convenient. I can have deadlines too (need this by this time), but I don't worry about how/when they do it.

 

:shrug:

 

What does that make me?

 

:lol:

[MamaT]

I voted for the second choice, but I know my dh and kids would have picked the first one for me.

 

Yes, I am a control freak. I do try to fight the urge to micromanage the things that really do not matter, but I do have to fight it. :001_smile:

[lulubelle]

From what I have learned, women are naturally driven to control and men are naturally driven to hide. It's the garden of eden thing. Therefore, women are to try to be less controlling, more vulnerable, and men are to be more involved in relationship.

 

Control is okay as long as it doesn't smother another person.

 

I'm somewhere in the middle. I am a major back seat driver, my house is a mess, and I try to be more flexible about school work. I have high expectations for my kids and am driven to help them to succeed, but make sure there is lots of down time and fun activities.

[Sweetpeach]

I control screens. (The neighbours think I'm crazy. I no longer care.)

 

I control academic skills. (grammar, writing, math, vocab.)

 

I am careful about putting my children in situations way above their ability to manage but certainly, I'm happy with situations that challenge them or "help" them make mistakes in judgement or character. Those are the best teaching moments.

 

That's it.

 

I like the free-range lifestyle . . . and I like the idea of working myself out of a job so that our children can morph into productive young adults who are living a meaningful life.

 

Warmly Tricia

[Jenny in Florida]

I think I'm somewhere in between your fourth and fifth options.

 

I don't think anyone who knows me would ever describe me as "controlling," but we stop short of permissive.

 

Let's see . . .

 

I like the dishwasher loaded a certain way, but most of the time I'm just happy someone other than me loaded it.

 

We let our 12-year-old go away to college.

 

My son chooses his own clothes.

 

We don't coerce our kids into eating things they don't like.

 

Both read what they want, and we let our son watch all kinds of things that some people on here think are inappropriate.

 

When it comes to homeschooling, I sketch the broad outlines but then let my son help me select books and materials.

 

He does have a bedtime, which is earlier than some other kids we know.

 

We do insist he do things like brush his teeth and wash his hair.

[chiguirre]

I'm not a control freak about much of anything except getting school done and attending extracurriculars we signed up for. Those are the basics that must be done or I go into mean momma mode. Other than that, they're on their own as long as no destruction or disaster occurs. I outsource oldest's education completely to his private school and in-home trainer and I'm so glad I don't have to be his personal policeman because it really stresses me out and strains our whole family.

[BlsdMama]

Does being a classical homeschooler mean you are "controlling"? Does selecting a few books from which your child may then select his reading mean you are "controlling"? Does not allowing your kids to watch TV during the week mean you're "controlling"? Does limiting junk food mean you're "controlling"? Does requiring your child to pick up his room daily mean you're "controlling? I admit--to get these things accomplished or make them happen means I must be "in control". Is there a difference between "in control" and "controlling"?

 

 

:glare: I think I have to change my answer.....

 

 

I answered the poll before I read the question and answered controlling only in some areas.

 

I always thought I was VERY mellow and laid back. I'm not. The laundry? There are certain things that get done certain ways and if you don't do it my way, I do get irritated. Loading the dishwasher is a hot button. My expectations of what a bathroom looks like when it is cleaned might be a little controlling. I've found that I get really cranky in a completely messy house... That could be controlling. The childrens' beds are made pretty much every day, laundry to the laundry room, etc.

 

I don't consider that controlling. I consider that saving my SANITY. How do people operate in utter chaos? Do you know what this house would look like if I let eight little people loose and didn't "control" where they ate food? If their rooms got picked up? If they picked up toys? Whether or not they watched tv? That's called setting limits & guidelines.

 

My oldest daughter decided what she was going to study this year. She planned her writing & her lit. She has utter freedom in her day. Why? Because she'll get it all done, so she now has flexibility. :) She simply wouldn't veg out in front of the television, sit down and read an awful book, etc. when/if she had things that needed to be done. If she sees something that needs to be done ( a load of laundry, something on the floor, etc.) she'll just do it. Why? Because that's what she was taught to do. DS (12) and DD (9) is following in her footsteps as well. They do the doin' that needs done.

 

 

One person's control freak is another person's intentional, purposeful, organized mama. I think a control freak has no flexibility and therein lies the difference.

 

When I hear that term, I think of a person who doesn't trust anyone around them to do things right. If you often say the phrase, "It's ok, I'll just do it myself," you might be a control freak. In my experience, control freaks limit those around them. They are afraid that someone may screw something up, so they just never let them try. I have a close ministry relationship with a control freak, and it is exhausting. Everything in her sphere has to be done by her, and eventually other people just give up trying.

 

 

I like this definition. I think that's the difference between having high standards/expectations and training our children to those and then loosening the reins vs. being controlling. The end goal of teaching/training is to set up a gold standard to create purposeful adults. The end goal of controlling is just to have everything done "MY" way.

Edited April 19, 2011 by BlsdMama

[lmrich]

I am working on the props for a play now and am surprised at how well I have delegated. I have really let a lot of things go and let others be in charge of certain projects.

 

I have let go of the control freak aspect in keeping the house spotless; it is impossible if you actually want to live in a house to keep it magazine pretty.

 

I am controlling in what my kids eat and do. Although I have let this slide a bit lately (because I am always making props for the play) but it is important to me. When they were younger I was very controlling about bedtimes and playmates and outside time and arts exposure etc... no tv, but I have mellowed.

 

When I taught school outside the house I was a control freak. Those were my students and I did all the planning and work with them. I had a team teacher who loved that I did all the planning and she did what I planned. She was older than me, but still single so she loved the arrangement.

 

But still things that I care about; I control. There is loads I don't care about - banking, insulation, etc.. that I gladly let my dh control.

[Gratia271]

I think much of this hinges on definition of terms. I don't view your post, Halcyon, as "control freak" material. As others have stated, it describes IMO an involved parent. Over the years, I have had friends whom I would characterize as control freaks. They manage (or attempt to) every aspect of others’ lives or behavior from spouses to children to colleagues etc... It smacks of arrogance and a lack of respect for others' abilities.

 

I have always preferred to lead my children by example. Though I exerted much more direct control when they were young, I still gave them guided freedom. I grew up in a highly controlled environment at my private school, meaning there was maximum pressure coupled with no choices whatsoever. I knew I didn't want that reality for my children. They deserve to be treated with respect.

 

Highly controlled environments convey the message that people are incapable of making good choices for themselves, that they need to be endlessly led. That is a great paradigm for raising followers. It also can lead to indecision, insecurity, and/or rebellion, all of which I observed in my peer base. Many did not learn how to make choices, as they were all made for them. I witnessed highly negative ramifications in some of my friends’ lives that were a direct result of this approach.

I want my children to become responsible, decisive adults who are confident of their abilities and able to take care of themselves. If I control everything, make all of the decisions, and micromanage every aspect of their existence, that outcome is much less likely to occur.

 

To answer the poll, I voted that I am controlling about some things but not others... in areas such as yours, Halcyon. People I know would not characterize me as a control freak. They would likely say I am a driven anal-retentive perfectionist who doesn’t want the same for her children.