Jean in Newcastle Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Dh is stressed and is finding our normal silliness to be grating. I try to redirect the kids when I can, but honestly, the silliness is something that glues the kids to our family. It's not over the top stuff, just making silly puns, giggling over a show, stuff like that. How do you provide for the stressed person so that they can chill, while not making your home into a graveyard? The stress is due to dh's job situation and is likely to continue for at least a couple of months. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Well, evidently I think this can be remedied by arguing. I am admitting here that my dh was out of town all week, little stressed because of a new job, and the first thing we do is argue about when to put the house on the market and look for a rental, euthanize the horse, etc.... BUT, I think catering a little more and providing quiet moments for them will help. Can you give dh a chance to take a walk by himself - or better yet, can you both go for a walk for a short time without kids? Can you tell the kids to give Dad an hour to read a book (or do whatever by himself) and then he will play with them? We don't have young children so this is all easy for me to say. I will cook up some good food this weekend and apologize to him - and not mention the other "little" details unless he brings them up. Very difficult for me because I am the planner and he is the "we'll play it by ear" kind of guy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelly in IL Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Yes, tea in the Biblical sense! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaMa2005 Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 My DH is the same. We finally came to a compromise and this has worked wonders for us. When the alarm goes off at 6:15, DH goes and crawls in bed with DS. They have 45 minutes of giggles, talking, tickles, etc. (Since DH isn't tired, he can deal with these 45 minutes.) At 7:00, both of them get up and we start our day. When DH gets home from job 1 at 4:30, DS gets 5 minutes with him, then he knows that is time to skedaddle. (DH leaves for job 2 at 5:00). This works well. Then on Saturdays, DH knows he must make time for DS. It's a quirky schedule, but it has helped DH from snapping DS's head off. (Not that he wants too, but stress and exhaustion do take their toll.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
helena Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Cook good hot meals I know he loves. Bring him a warm towel when he gets out of the shower. Put on the fireplace, and put on a super chill family movie, or book on CD, get the kids involved in some quite project. Or send them outside for the day. Little kisses. Bake. No nagging. A lot of the time I just leave him alone, and sometimes I have to remind him that it's not fair to carry over stress and frustration (sometimes anger) into the home. He has to separate the two worlds. It's the grown up thing to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Time alone, a nice meal in his room, keeping kiddo a little quieter. Often, after a bit of calming down, just going in and listening to him. I'm happy for two things: 1) this is happening less and less as hubby gets older AND he doesn't, at least, stay angry for weeks and months like my ex, and 2) when I'm stressed, I might flare for a minute or two, or less, but it doesn't force anyone to butter me up to make it stop. For this I am very grateful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 When Dh's job is too stressful (like right now), I put extra preperation into dinner every night, because food makes him feel loved. I also do a massage with warm oil before tea, to make it extra special. I also put up with little things around the house not getting done, because he needs to unwind and not fix every little thing. We needed a new porch rail for months and I just dropped it even though it was a safety hazzard. Dh knows which side his bread is buttered on, lol. He says the only way to put up with his job is to know his family is waiting at home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 When I said out loud your question, DH hollered form the kitchen "Stay out of the way!" Which is exactly what I do. If he is stressed, he is grumpy and I need to give him wide space.. not talk to him, not involve him in family stuff. He will snap out of it faster if I leave him alone. he does not care for nice meals, questions "can I do anything for you?", attempts at conversation. he wants to be left alone to deal with his stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Backrubs, getting them coffee and then lots of Tea. BUTBUTBUT, being served is his love language. If he needs a wide berth (like I prefer) then make it so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 5, 2011 Author Share Posted February 5, 2011 So. . . what kind of love language is being left alone? I think this is what he would prefer. He tends to shut down so that he's not even talking to us - not out of anger or anything but because he's cocooning himself. But I feel pulled between his need to be left alone and our need to have fun and laughter in our home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 So. . . what kind of love language is being left alone? I think this is what he would prefer. He tends to shut down so that he's not even talking to us - not out of anger or anything but because he's cocooning himself. But I feel pulled between his need to be left alone and our need to have fun and laughter in our home. It helped me to understand WHY DH is like this. My DH is an introvert. For him, any attempt by me to "help" sends to him the message "I don't believe you can do this on your own". He prefers to deal with issues on his own. he needs me to understand that he will work it out without help, and that he needs time by himself to do so. It helped me to talk about this, because for a long time I thought my task was to "make him better". It is not. My task is to respect his way of dealing with stress. You can still have laughter in your home. You don't have to be grave quite. But I found it helps if I show that I understand DH's needs and accept it if he goes to the office or separates himself in a room by himself. Trying to include him in the laughter and fun is not helping and will cause resentment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Fairy Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Can he go into a different room by himself for 30-60 minutes, leaving the rest of you free to interact the way you enjoy? Sometimes that little bit of alone time is what I need when I'm stressed in order to regroup. But if this is a constant state for him, and he's unable to decompress at all, I'm not sure what I'd do, other than talk to him about it. It's not fair to the rest of the family to have to walk on eggshells for the next few months. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Dominion Heather Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Honestly? I usually tell my introvert husband to go away until he can be civil to the rest of us. If he wants to be alone, he needs to not be here, because we are here and the needs of four outweigh the needs of one. Then I tell him that he needs to get over himself because he is ruining everyone else's weekend. I force him to talk about it and then I tell him that he should quit stressing about it. This usually works, believe it or not. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 I talk to him, manage the kids more than usual and, if all else fails, ask him if we need to leave for a while (an afternoon) to give him a break. This usually makes him realize that he needs to get hold of himself (not said rudely, just factually). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 My DH wants to be left alone when he is stressed too. With very young children, quiet and lack of silliness is just not always possible. What we can do is let DH be alone upstairs in the office/bedroom (two rooms attached to each other) as much as possible. Better for a dad to be away from everyone than to be grumpy with everyone. I will also ignore stuff that he needs to do, unless it's really, really important (stressed or not, there are still some household tasks that he needs to do), and I'll pick up whatever slack I can, with taking care of the regular household needs, caring for the kids, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KristinaBreece Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 When DH needs to be alone, away from the bustle of young children, he goes to our room. It is the only place where I can guarantee that he will have that space and time he needs to decompress. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Send him for a run. Outdoors if possible, and treadmill if it's not. I do insist our home be peaceful and that means we are all to check our grump at the door. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
extendedforecast Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 I try to let him have his space by spending extra time with the kids. I give more hugs, kisses, hand squeezes, etc. When his mood starts to affect the way he treats us, I call him out on it. I tell him that I know he's stressed out, but it's unfair to take it out on me or the kids. This snaps him out of it everytime. I think he doesn't realize how it affects us unil I point it out. I also let him know that I'm here if he wants to talk. Sometimes I have to force a conversation if he's stressed about stuff that affects our family and we need to make important decisions. That means I have to start an argument that leads to talking about what's bothering him, and then we make up, even though I was never mad in the first place. I don't know how healthy that is, but I suspect it's healthier than letting him stew about it for months. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 So. . . what kind of love language is being left alone? I think this is what he would prefer. He tends to shut down so that he's not even talking to us - not out of anger or anything but because he's cocooning himself. But I feel pulled between his need to be left alone and our need to have fun and laughter in our home. It's not a love language per se, it is more of a need. I like to think on things (sometimes too much) and mull them over. I cannot do it while others are squawking around me and need my attention. But it is more of a need to "hear myself think." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sahamamama Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 (edited) Sleep deprivation is possibly the core of his irritability. Ask yourself and your children: How can we give Dad 17 extra hours of sleep as soon as possible? We had our daughter's birthday party today, now ALL my people are napping... hubby included. We had a great time, but I could see just from looking at him that my husband was weary and needed a nap. When we got home from my parents' house and I said to him, "Put the meatballs in the fridge, then take your boots off, go lie down, and take a nap." It was NOT a suggestion. I also said to him, "Tomorrow, we will go to church, then come home, and you will take another nap." He looked at me like :001_wub:. He knows I know. He is T-I-R-E-D. Sometimes this sweet man just needs me to put him to bed, KWIM? He might wake up from his nap today and want to watch a movie tonight. We might, but only if we can still get to bed before 11 pm. IME, most men don't come right out and say, "I'm tired." Instead, they growl at silliness. When my husband is well-rested, he is then the SOURCE of the silliness, even if I am tired. Then I might have to remind him that I need nurturing, too. KWIM? Like your husband, my husband is also stressed out about work right now, too, but good sleep drives away the crankies. Also, look into feeding him more protein, even if you have to get a protein supplement. Mine gets irritable without enough protein. AND, I have to remind him to drink water, instead of coffee all the time. HTH. Good luck bringing back the happies. :D Edited February 5, 2011 by Sahamamama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rwilliams Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 If it is over the top grumpy that is making us miserable we leave the house and will only come back when he is acting more agreeable. If it is just passing grumpy we just go about our business avoiding his grumpiness as best we can. Once when ds was 2 and dh was being especially miserable because of back pain that was ongoing....nothing we could do and grumpiness was more than was called for.....we(ds and I) the house at 8 am and came home at 8pm and went straight to bed. When he asked if we would be home on Sunday, I said that depended on his mood. He was much better company on Sunday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 So. . . what kind of love language is being left alone? I think this is what he would prefer. He tends to shut down so that he's not even talking to us - not out of anger or anything but because he's cocooning himself. But I feel pulled between his need to be left alone and our need to have fun and laughter in our home. My dh is an extrovert and when he's upset if we leave him alone he gets pouty. Quality time is his love language. He also gets upset if we are silly, talk while the TV is playing, let the dog get too wiggly. Our house has had bouts of stress in the last year and with dh not working a lot he's here. We sort of compromise, I cook dinner, we quietly spend some time together as a family (feeding his love language), we hang out with him for a while. If it's really bad I often have ds make him a card or write him a note, just to let hiim know we love him. I, however, am more like your dh and want to pull out of everything. Tonight I'm in a funk and I want to be left alone, but I don't want to feel alone. I'll disappear into the classroom or go sit in bed and read. I know when I feel this way I want someone to take care of the dinner chores, don't lecture me on how good we have it compared to others, lots of hugs, and maybe check on me once in a while to see if I need anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennyD Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 (edited) Honestly? I usually tell my introvert husband to go away until he can be civil to the rest of us. If he wants to be alone, he needs to not be here, because we are here and the needs of four outweigh the needs of one. Then I tell him that he needs to get over himself because he is ruining everyone else's weekend. I force him to talk about it and then I tell him that he should quit stressing about it. This usually works, believe it or not. :glare: This made me laugh, because this is exactly how things unfold here, too. As a child, I *loathed* spending a weekend tiptoeing around my father's bad mood. Never again. People are entitled to their grumps -- heaven knows I have my bad days -- but go deal with it somewhere else. Edited February 6, 2011 by JennyD Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annlaura Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 This is far too common around here. DH is constantly stressed from his job duties and schedule. There is a fine line at our house between giving DH extra space and quiet to make him feel better, and making him feel worse because he feels guilty about forcing us to change our behavior. Or making everyone miserable by trying to force environmental changes. I find that letting DH go out with his buddies for a beer or to work out makes more of a difference than me getting mommy time. Also, a tidy house makes a big difference to my DH. If it's a particularly bad day/stretch, I try to have special quiet activities for the boys that only come out in these situations. And lots of hugs for everyone, especially DS4yo, who feels it all keenly but doesn't entirely understand. The other suggestions of good food, back rubs, and tea help around here too. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 dh likes to be alone in front of the computer in the very center of our home. so the girls retreat to the sunroom to watch something. i take a computer or kindle and join them. when he's done cocooning, dh comes and joins us. it works for us. hth - that much stress for that long is not so fun, ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaffodilDreams Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 I stay away - far, far away. Stress is contagious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 Not reading all the replies because I'm supposed to be working on something else right now... I give him time alone at home. Take the kids and all their mess out of his way. DH travels a lot and that is actually a destressor for him, since he can eat whatever he wants and have quiet time to work in the evenings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MindyD Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 Yes, tea in the Biblical sense! :iagree:That's the first thing I thought of too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 6, 2011 Author Share Posted February 6, 2011 Yes, tea in the Biblical sense! Don't you mean TEA in the WTM sense?:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeanne in MN Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 My husband has been stressed for over a year now and it has taken it's toll. I tried for the first 6th months to be kind, helpful, try to talk about it, be patient, etc. It's gotten to a point where I've given up. He needs to figure it out for himself evidentally. In the meantime, I refuse to tiptoe around him or try and keep things quiet or do things to avoid his anger anymore. I'm now focused on protecting myself and the kids from his negative energy. Only you know how bad it's gotten. I would advise trying to be helpful. Just know when it's time to let him be and take care of yourselves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 Down time... it doesn't have to be all evening but I know when I am stressed out from work the best thing for me is an hour of quiet to myself to decompress...take a hot shower, a nap, whatever. But chaos when I walk in the door just makes me worse. After a little down time I am ready for some fun and silliness. And our family is VERY silly! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 For the most part, I leave him alone. If he's so stressed that the usual is grating on him, I find it's best to leave him be. He can go hole up in the parlor with the computer or the Wii or his guitar and he can enjoy his alone time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dolphin Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 I have to admit that I am on the tough side. I put up with it and try to accommodate (reasonably) for a couple of weeks, then if he hasn't snapped out of it I tell him his time is up. Once, he was horrible and I suggested that we rent him a furnished apartment for a month. He was stunned. I just told him that I was tired of our family seeming like an inconvenience to him. If we were that horrible to live with maybe he should go live by himself for a month and let us be happy. That brought about a very quick attitude change, and now if he starts getting too stressed for two long I just have to say apartment and he gets it. Once he is communicating and trying to be civil, then I help out and lots of tea! I am not going to reward bad behavior though! See, I am a mean wife! Nicole Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 It happens here too- mostly, I try to encourage him (hopefully nicely, sometimes rather more brutally) to go to his room where he has his own TV and computer (he watches TV while playing spider patience. A lot. I might bring him meals and visit him in there sometimes- generally I find it best if he isnt around the kids but he can normally handle me in small doses. When he is ready to come out of his man cave, he's usually feeling better. I guess its my equivalent of PMS. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheryl Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 Dh is stressed and is finding our normal silliness to be grating. I try to redirect the kids when I can, but honestly, the silliness is something that glues the kids to our family. It's not over the top stuff, just making silly puns, giggling over a show, stuff like that. How do you provide for the stressed person so that they can chill, while not making your home into a graveyard? The stress is due to dh's job situation and is likely to continue for at least a couple of months. Hey Jean, Perhaps he needs to hear validation for his opinions/feelings from you....that you know what he feels is real to him. Then pray! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 Yes, tea in the Biblical sense! :iagree:lol! I also try to get a babysitter and go on a date with him... he chooses anything he wants to do. Or... let him hang out and watch movies locked in his room for a while. Or... take the kids with me to the store or the library so he has the house to himself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meena Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 I give DH lots of alone time in his 'man cave' (i.e. our bedroom). I will leave the house for awhile with the kiddos to make sure there are few interruptions. I also encourage him to have social time (he's very extroverted so this energizes him and helps relieve stress), so he'll go out to eat with buddies or go to a sporting event. I try to take care of things around the house and anticipate his needs more than usual. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 6, 2011 Author Share Posted February 6, 2011 Thanks, everyone. Fortunately he is not rude or surly when he wants to be alone - just distant. We do go for daily walks and on our two laps together I'm his sounding board during this time. I think that helps him. It's a bit hard though because right now I don't feel like he can really be my sounding board back because I don't want to add more stress on him. But we all have our turns eventually. . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 So. . . what kind of love language is being left alone? I think this is what he would prefer. He tends to shut down so that he's not even talking to us - not out of anger or anything but because he's cocooning himself. But I feel pulled between his need to be left alone and our need to have fun and laughter in our home. I can't quote sources, but I've read in many different places that a man needs to come home and go into his "cave" to decompress. I'd most definitely respect that if dh needed that, but my dh doesn't. If your dh does, you'd be a fantastic wife to honor that without taking it personally!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 (edited) Honestly? I usually tell my introvert husband to go away until he can be civil to the rest of us. If he wants to be alone, he needs to not be here, because we are here and the needs of four outweigh the needs of one. Then I tell him that he needs to get over himself because he is ruining everyone else's weekend. I force him to talk about it and then I tell him that he should quit stressing about it. This usually works, believe it or not. :glare: :iagree: It is not my responsibility to force the children to be quiet little soldiers to appease my husband when he's crabby! He needs to be present and participative in our family. If he needs time to be alone, he needs to be a grown up enough to say so and take care of his needs. If he wants us to all tippy toe around him while he works himself into a full on fit -- no thanks, that's not how I intend to live or raise my children. I think that keeping the home fairly peaceful is mostly my responsibility and the above is part of that. I'm not totally mean... on most days I try to have the house reasonably tidy when he gets home, and some kind of dinner plan, and I don't attack him with a honey do or complaint list right when he gets in the door. But if he's po'ed about something, I either get out of his way or tell him to get out of mine! If he has a problem and his behavior is making everyone else uncomfortable, he's the problem and needs to work that out. Cuz he's an adult, not a toddler lol! Edited February 6, 2011 by RanchGirl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jld Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 Well, evidently I think this can be remedied by arguing. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 Dh doesn't talk so I don't know when he is stressed and when he isn't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UnsinkableKristen Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 When my husband is cranky, I just tell him not to worry - I've got the kids, and to go to our room and rest for a little bit. Usually all he needs is some time without people constantly talking to him or needing him for something. So he turns his phone down, sits on the bed and turns on the tv and plays spider solitare for a little bit. Sometimes I bring him something to eat or drink, but mostly I just let him be by himself for awhile. The kids are free to play and go crazy as usual, just not to do it by our bedroom. As for long term solutions, I make set-in-stone things (like it sounds like you have with your walks): Stay-At-Home Date Night every week, Guy's Night once a month (no excuses, he has to go), Family Night every week, and we try to actually go on a real live date once a month. These things all help with the long term stress, because he knows there is a break coming on down the pipe. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 my dh is like this too. When he is stressed he wants to be left alone. Over the years he's begun to realize that he cannot constantly be left alone during periods of stress, as it is unfair to me and my kids. So he's figured out a good middle ground; he will ask, during a particular stressful time, to be left alone for a bit...30-40 minutes will usually work wonders. He's generally upstairs in the bonus room while the goofiness is all downstairs. After awhile he is better able to cope with the normal kid stuff...bickering, silliness, noise, etc. Have you asked him? Make sure he knows that you guys miss him when he's off in his own littler world. It helps my dh if I ask him "what ONE thing could I do to help you with this?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
forevergrace Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 I think my DH is stressed due to his birthday (today). He's, been a pain in the butt for two weeks. I wish I could honestly give words of profound encouragement, but right now I feel like whacking him in the head w/his birthday cake. I like what one woman wrote; kisses, extra nice dinners, words of encouragement, but I'm at the end of the rope. ~~Always~~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 .. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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