Beware

[goldberry]

For those who mentioned counselors, in PA, one can't force anyone into counseling who is over the age of 14. My son refused it when he was suicidal and I doubt anything will change now..

 

That law is appalling and wrong. I am so sorry...

[jenL]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I am so incredibly sorry. I am deeply afraid of this for my boys, and we've been called overprotective by others as a result of my fear. It is stories such as this that make me stand more firmly in my resolve.

 

Your son is saying nothing happened to him and that very well may be true. However, he is probably going through the "what if it did" thoughts. He also may be feeling incredible guilt in knowing the other victims who had to endure that while he escaped it. Regardless, this type of crime affects more than just the victims and that needs to be remembered. I am going to pray that your son will open up and talk as well as pray for you, your family, the boys involved & their families, and your church family. My heart breaks for all of you.

[Alison in KY]

I am so sorry :grouphug:

[kristavws]

:grouphug:

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Laurie4b]

Thank you! But I'm no victim. I found my true Father at the age of 20 and He healed my broken heart and taught me a new way. I have been happy and healthy, living a victorious life for 27 years. I learned from Him how to be a good wife, a good mother and a good person! Praise the Lord!

 

I share my story for many reasons:

 

1. To be able to tell about the miracle of healing that God did within me.

2. To give people pause and encourage them to think carefully about who they expose their kids to, such as in this situtation.

3. To help remove the stigma. I have no shame. The shame is his.

4. To give people who've been through similar circumstances hope.

 

This is me today. :party:

 

 

Extra hugs to the OP and her son. I'm so very, very sorry. :grouphug::grouphug:

 

Thank you for sharing your journey and :grouphug: :party: for where you are now!

[creekland]

Thank you! But I'm no victim. I found my true Father at the age of 20 and He healed my broken heart and taught me a new way. I have been happy and healthy, living a victorious life for 27 years. I learned from Him how to be a good wife, a good mother and a good person! Praise the Lord!

 

I share my story for many reasons:

 

1. To be able to tell about the miracle of healing that God did within me.

2. To give people pause and encourage them to think carefully about who they expose their kids to, such as in this situtation.

3. To help remove the stigma. I have no shame. The shame is his.

4. To give people who've been through similar circumstances hope.

 

This is me today. :party:

 

 

Extra hugs to the OP and her son. I'm so very, very sorry. :grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

Thank you VERY much for sharing this. You have no idea how much it helps (well, maybe you do). Thank you.

[creekland]

I am stunned at PA law that would make 14 an age at which someone could refuse mental health treatment, especially when they are suicidal. That is a law that needs to be changed.

 

If we wanted to, we could have had him admitted for 24 hours for an evaluation if we were confident his life was in danger, but that's it. The counselor I am talking with now is the same one I talked with then. He told me to do it if I needed to as a last straw, but also said many kids are released at the end of their time having "played the game" to get out, and then, sometimes, do commit suicide. Otherwise, PA does not allow parents to force their age 14+ kids to go to mental health counseling. It's a bit frustrating as I feel certain the guy I'm talking with would connect well with my guy. Instead, I need to be the mediator (for lack of a better word). However, it worked and he's no longer suicidal - or at least - he wasn't. Right now he's mostly in a shell, but not more than one would expect I think. He's still taking part in "normal" life and still playing games. Those are pluses. I wish he would talk though.

 

I wonder if you could appeal to the sheriff for the sake of the kids to "dig stuff up". I don't believe that it should be confidential if he's asked the guy or not. Since the guy is freely confessing, it's a great opportunity to find out. Have you asked the sheriff if he has asked? Are there additional parents you know who are wondering? Perhaps as a group you could have more clout. There will definitely be boys who will not want to come forward as well as those who will. The community owes it to the ones who deal with things differently to find out the truth for their sakes. Could you find out from an attorney or someone in LE if you could write to the man and ask what happened with your son?

 

 

I have hubby checking on things now to see if we can find out any info or not.

 

 

You might also be able to appeal to the two 21 year olds who have come forward to share their experiences of how they dealt with it with the community of people whose kids were involved with this man. That will provide some possible role-modeling for the younger kids. THANK these young men for staring down the shame and putting a stop to this.

 

I truly do THANK those young men!!! I've mentioned that more than once in regular conversation here today. I don't know them personally - nor do my boys.

 

With boys, the layers of shame can be different than for girls. Boys aren't supposed to be "victimized" (speaking stereotypically, but those stereotypes are powerful) so there is a strike against the masculinity at that point. The fact that it is same-gender assault gives it that whole layer for a survivor to process as well.

 

I think it would help if your dh says in conversations like the counselor is recommending that it is normal for teenaged boys to take some sexual dares and that the guy knew that it was normal and used it for his own ends, since he's not a teenager. It's normal for teenagers not to figure it out until they feel trapped. In fact, it's normal for parents not to have figured it out. I think that normal is a better word than victim. You want to talk about how normal people can survive and move through these things. There were plenty of normal boys who this man was able to manipulate.

 

In some ways, you (and very importantly, your dh) can model for your son how to deal with shame, which is the enemy , because you are dealing with the shame of potentially not having protected him . (Not saying this is shameful; just knowing that parents will feel shame.) You can model how to deflect your sense of shame back to the perpetrator rather than beating yourself up. You can model how to be angry in a productive way and sad that you were taken in. You can model how to turn your anger into something positive by ______ (campaigning for greater awareness of the warning signs, campaigning for the silent victims, setting up a support group for parents). You can model how to turn to God in reality and without platitudes and spiritual cover-ups. You can model how to move forward as a stronger person. You can model how to help an entire community respond in a way that promotes healing. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Thank you for these thoughts - especially about the "normal" part. I do think that's a better approach, esp with boys.

 

I wish youngest and hubby got along. They clash. Most of the in depth talks with youngest happen in short segments and almost always with me. That's a bit of WHY we were looking for a "good" male role model that he could connect with. There's one teacher at school I plan to talk with on Monday and see if he might be able to help as my son loves him (but NO trips alone!).

 

We're still not certain if anything happened or not and hope to find out from the other guy's end via the sheriff or whoever. Some of my guy's issues could be due to other reasons (we suspect he'd register on the aspie scale if we had him tested). However, I do know at the minimum he's having to process KNOWING about it and knowing/trusting this guy well and being friends with some kids who were almost certainly involved. Even middle son is dealing with that and it's weighing heavily on his mind right now. He told me this morning he remembers hearing one of his friends being happy about going on a fishing trip - looking forward to it (prior to the trip). But, at least he will talk with us about it.

 

I honestly appreciate this board too... for my sanity.

[Tullia]

Oh, my--I don't know what to say other than :grouphug: and prayers for you, your family, and for the others. --Martha

[Liz CA]

I've been thinking about this from the boy's point of view.

No boy wants to have to admit that something happened he was uncomfortable with. Other have already mentioned the words "victim" and "shame." I think, it's doubly hard to extract information because the last thing any young man wants to admit is having been taken advantage of - especially in this context.

 

I would absolutely rephrase things in a way that it sounds more like: "Those who help get this exposed are the heroes...etc."

 

You wrote that you cannot legally make him see a counselor, I would still try to get him to go voluntarily. Perhaps, again, instead of calling it counseling, find some other description, i.e "speaking to someone else so they can help others who have gone through it better..."

 

You said this ds and your dh are not on the same wavelength which could be another reason this kid is tight lipped. He would not want to admit to anything that may - in his eyes! - make the relationship with his Dad potentially more difficult/weird/odd.

Has your dh tried to ask your ds for his "help" in solving this riddle, as in "the more information the police gets, the better they can deal with it" - or something along those lines.

 

Being the mother of an almost 20yr old, I cannot imagine the emotions that must be cycling through your heart and mind.

I hope you find out beyond a doubt that your son was not part of this.

Edited February 5, 2011 by Liz CA

[JoyfulMama]

I read this story this morning, and have been praying about it all day. So sorry you are wrapped up so close to it. :grouphug:

[----]

:grouphug:

[Tammyla]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[sbgrace]

I have a male family member who this happened to as a teen. I do think, as others have said very well, that the boy/male abuse angle adds a different dynamic in some ways.

 

I wonder if your husband could write your son a loving letter and hand it to him telling him he's available if your son needs/wants him to be. Let him read it alone.

 

I'm thinking it might be helpful for him to know, from his dad, that there isn't shame in this for the boys that were affected. I like the normal to take dares, I like the heros who came forward take, I like the idea of portraying that facing all this takes strength, it happens/happened to lots of kids, it's ok. It would be great for you or the male teacher to say it as well of course. But coming from his father would be, I think, especially important even if (maybe especially) their relationship is strained.

 

He could at least read that his father would be accepting and understanding if, indeed, anything happened to him.

 

The letter may take some tension out of face to face with the two of them and he can re-read and process it in time without the emotions of the moment. I think, if he is spectrum, the reading might be especially helpful. He won't be having to navigate the person to person complexity that is hard for spectrum kids even aside from this situation.

[i.love.lucy]

:grouphug: My heart is breaking for you all who have gone/are going through this. I will keep this in my prayers.

[JennifersLost]

Just hugs and good thoughts. I am so, so sorry that this is something you are even having to think about.

[Heatherwith4]

Praying :grouphug:

[tex-mex]

Please get your family, and especially your son, specific mental health support to heal from this.

 

Know that he might have ongoing issues with church, or intermittent need for support for a while to come.

 

Pedophiles do whatever it takes to be around kids and to gain trust of parents. However, there are red flags in the paragraphs I quoted. Please, to anyone reading who hasn't already, read Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker.

 

It's not helpful to completely avoid children being in the care and company of other adults. What minimizes the risk is being informed as to how to recognize when something is "off", to learn to honor that sensing/intuition and to build the guts to take a stand.

 

Kids are at danger with people they know much more than strangers.

 

:iagree: When Hubby was a Pastoral Counselor, he'd deal with situations like this with staff. One such scenario was the Youth Pastor's wife and her affair with a teen from the Youth Group. It tore the church apart and created a legal nightmare. Please get counseling just in case for your son. I know many kids in the old Youth Group were affected by the actions of leadership. Some walked away from God. Others just began mistrusting authority. It happens. Hang in there. :grouphug:

[Audrey]

I'm very sorry you are dealing with this. I am always very suspicious of any men who plant themselves in positions around children, especially in churches or youth groups. I know that isn't fair to honest men, but once bitten, twice shy as they say.

[*lifeoftheparty*]

Oprah did a show a few weeks (months?) ago about a story JUST like this. Same exact thing. Same conditioning, male role model, friends, type thing. Except in this case, the victim stabbed the pedophile like 55 times and killed him. Good riddance.

 

Can I just say, in both instances, these guys LOOK like perverts... they look a little "off" or "weird". Have you ever looked at the Sex Offenders registries?? They all have that off/weird look... I can't explain it....

[Denisemomof4]

I am so sorry for you. We have btdt. We can't ever remember a time when the monster was alone with ds15, but it WASN'T due to lack of trying. This guy really tried to get to my son. Older ds swears nothing happened, that if something did, younger ds would have told him. And honestly, no time alone with the monster. He did take BOTH my sons to the movies and out to lunch once, but older ds is far stronger than the puny little wimp, and ds was also about a foot taller, not to mention well trained in Tai Kwon Do. I'm pretty positive nothing happened, but other families weren't so lucky.

 

Still, younger ds adored this man. We really have no family and ds's only uncle is mentally ill and struggles to have a relationshio with ds. Ds loved the monster like an uncle. He even spent holidays with us. The betrayal of it all was the beginning of the downfall for my ds. This happened two years ago, and we've watched ds's behaviors spiral downward ever since. Not to mention that ds is having serious issues now with authority. I believe everything is rooted with this ugly little wimp.

 

We're also in a tough spot, but I hope and pray your son has never been harmed. If I even remotely suspected he had been, I would definitely have it addressed by a mental health professional, especially where there is now depression.

 

The monster who targeted my son got away with his acts because the other boy's family didn' want to retraumatize their kid by having him testify in court. So the ugly little wimp got away with it, although he's now a registered sex offender.

[Denisemomof4]

The actual church events had more than one adult except when he was in a dorm with guys at a church camp each summer. Supposedly, he's saying he never did anything with anyone while at camp.

 

However, he asked for (and often got) outside of church time with youngsters by offering to take them fishing, hunting beekeeping or other "manly" activities - he built the relationships (mostly anyway) at church.

 

I feel really, really gullible and am mainly posting this to warn others not to be. It also helps to have a place to vent. I'm not a "feeler." I'm rarely struck down by anything. This one did it. I was supposed to protect my guy and now I don't know if I did or not. I'm really afraid I didn't, but he tells us nothing happened with him. Time might tell.

 

the ugly little monster who tried to get to my ds was the leader of the men's bible study and very involved in the church.

 

You shouldn't feel stupid. Don't beat yourself up. Nobody should have to be on the lookout for pond scum like this, especially in a church. I think they go to church purposefully, and I hope they forever burn in hell.

[creekland]

No news back yet. I don't know if that's good or bad or neither (weekend).

 

Yesterday we spent the majority of the day playing Rook as a family, then watching some TV that was humorous. It felt good - and normal - and all seemed normal (actions/reactions from both boys).

 

Today we're spending the majority of the day delivering a pony we sold.

 

I guess life moves on.

 

I do want to add that I love the suggestions for rewording things and have been incorporating them into conversation. Normal and heroes sound so much better than victims.

 

I'm only worried that something might have happened to the youngest as he's the only one that had one episode of alone time with the guy, but I know both are processing what has happened to a man they know, like, respect, etc, and what it means to some of their friends. And I know they know that this guy requested more time with them - on several occasions. I'm glad it never worked out.

[Negin]

I am just so sorry. This has been on my mind for the past few days and has sickened and saddened me. Praying for everyone.

[creekland]

I am just so sorry. This has been on my mind for the past few days and has sickened and saddened me. Praying for everyone.

 

I THINK my guy was ok. I'm hoping to get the final word today.

 

I'm still sickened and saddened by it though - and my guys (all three) still have to process knowing the guy and some of the kids involved knowing it could have been them.

[Catherine]

WATCH OUT for people in authority, powerful people. The creep I know who victimized girls *under the age of five* -if you can actually believe that-was a powerful, wealthy, prominent man and used his power to avoid answering for his crimes. It's how he continued his ways, rather openly, for over two decades in his community. Victims were truly intimidated into silence.

 

Denise, I'm so sorry this happened to your son, even though "it" may not have happened, his trust was betrayed. ((hugs))

[angela in ohio]

I'm very sorry you are dealing with this. I am always very suspicious of any men who plant themselves in positions around children, especially in churches or youth groups. I know that isn't fair to honest men, but once bitten, twice shy as they say.

 

I agree with you. Considering the lifelong effects from one incident, there aren't many benefits that outweight the risk.

 

My dh is one of the honest men, and he is the most understanding and especially careful about things like this. I think you often find that the honest ones actually avoid these situations, and that's a way you can tell.

[unsinkable]

Oprah did a show a few weeks (months?) ago about a story JUST like this. Same exact thing. Same conditioning, male role model, friends, type thing. Except in this case, the victim stabbed the pedophile like 55 times and killed him. Good riddance.

 

Can I just say, in both instances, these guys LOOK like perverts... they look a little "off" or "weird". Have you ever looked at the Sex Offenders registries?? They all have that off/weird look... I can't explain it....

 

We got one of those flyers in the mail that notify you of an offender moving into the area. My younger DS saw the man's picture and said in disgust, "EWWW! Who is that guy? He looks gross!"

 

DS had no idea what the flyer was about; he just saw the pic from the other side of the room.

[KidsHappen]

If we wanted to, we could have had him admitted for 24 hours for an evaluation if we were confident his life was in danger, but that's it. The counselor I am talking with now is the same one I talked with then. He told me to do it if I needed to as a last straw, but also said many kids are released at the end of their time having "played the game" to get out, and then, sometimes, do commit suicide. Otherwise, PA does not allow parents to force their age 14+ kids to go to mental health counseling.

 

Creekland, you are absolutely right. Speaking from experience as a patient, from my formal education, from talking to counselors and victims, even if the law allowed forced counselling it can not force healing. Forcing someone into counselling can cause more damage than good especially if they have been victimized. First of all, that would put them into an antagonistic relationship with both the counselor and the person that forced them to go (a big problem if that person is the parent). Second, making them do something against their will just reinforces the feelings of being victimized. Third, forcing them to confront their problem before they are ready and able to deal with them can cause a mental health crisis that just makes the situation worse. Preventing a person from harming themselves and others is necessary and absolutely should be required but anything other than that can and often is counterproductive. Hospitalizing or forcing counselling should always be a action of last resort and if you feel the need to do this you need to be prepared for the fact that it my irrevocably end your relationship with your child. They may feel betrayed by you and never get over the resentment of you causing them more pain. It is very hard to be a parent in situations like these and I strongly recommend counseling for yourself to help you deal with this if you are open to that. At the very least a counselot can guide you in the best way to help your child. I am so sorry that you family is going through this. :grouphug:

[momofkhm]

:grouphug::grouphug: To Creekland and your son and all your friends and family dealing with this.

[goldberry]

Can I just say, in both instances, these guys LOOK like perverts... they look a little "off" or "weird". Have you ever looked at the Sex Offenders registries?? They all have that off/weird look... I can't explain it....

 

While this may be true in some cases, it isn't true in all. And sometimes it's easier to look at them AFTER and make that assumption. When someone is in your life, you don't usually look at them and think "they look like a pervert". That's not something you can depend on to make a judgment.

 

How many times do people say "he seemed so nice"....

[mommaduck]

Oprah did a show a few weeks (months?) ago about a story JUST like this. Same exact thing. Same conditioning, male role model, friends, type thing. Except in this case, the victim stabbed the pedophile like 55 times and killed him. Good riddance.

 

Can I just say, in both instances, these guys LOOK like perverts... they look a little "off" or "weird". Have you ever looked at the Sex Offenders registries?? They all have that off/weird look... I can't explain it....

 

Not true. I've known those that have looked perfectly normal and were "respected" people. One was a teacher and another was a deacon/military officer of decent rank...both were family men. You don't always know.

[Jean in Newcastle]

While this may be true in some cases, it isn't true in all. And sometimes it's easier to look at them AFTER and make that assumption. When someone is in your life, you don't usually look at them and think "they look like a pervert". That's not something you can depend on to make a judgment.

 

How many times do people say "he seemed so nice"....

 

:iagree: Also if you were rousted out of your home with no notice and arrested with no time to tidy up or to put your best face on, your mug shot might not look so nice either!

[i.love.lucy]

I ran out this weekend and got "Protecting the Gift" from the library thanks to this thread. There have been other threads, of course, but this time I felt compelled that I had to read that book.

 

Thanks for that.

 

:grouphug:

[OnTheBrink]

I'm so sorry. Praying for your family.:grouphug:

[laughing lioness]

Can I just say, in both instances, these guys LOOK like perverts... they look a little "off" or "weird". Have you ever looked at the Sex Offenders registries?? They all have that off/weird look... I can't explain it....

 

My dh has worked in the mental health field for over 2 decades under almost every type of circumstance (military, schools, prisons, private practice, etc) and he said one of the creepiest clients he ever had was a "guy next door type." Nice, white, midde class grandpa. He'd raped and molested his granddd for years and had no idea why he was incarcerated. According to him he'd done nothing wrong.

 

:grouphug:Creekland :grouphug:

[dkholland]

:grouphug: I am so sorry Creekland that your family has to be dealing with this. Praying that God will bring to light what needs to be brought out. And, if nothing happened, that you will have peace.

[creekland]

Creekland, you are absolutely right. Speaking from experience as a patient, from my formal education, from talking to counselors and victims, even if the law allowed forced counselling it can not force healing. Forcing someone into counselling can cause more damage than good especially if they have been victimized. First of all, that would put them into an antagonistic relationship with both the counselor and the person that forced them to go (a big problem if that person is the parent). Second, making them do something against their will just reinforces the feelings of being victimized. Third, forcing them to confront their problem before they are ready and able to deal with them can cause a mental health crisis that just makes the situation worse. Preventing a person from harming themselves and others is necessary and absolutely should be required but anything other than that can and often is counterproductive. Hospitalizing or forcing counselling should always be a action of last resort and if you feel the need to do this you need to be prepared for the fact that it my irrevocably end your relationship with your child. They may feel betrayed by you and never get over the resentment of you causing them more pain. It is very hard to be a parent in situations like these and I strongly recommend counseling for yourself to help you deal with this if you are open to that. At the very least a counselot can guide you in the best way to help your child. I am so sorry that you family is going through this. :grouphug:

 

Thank you for your thoughts. This is almost verbatim what I was told by the counselor I've been talking to, and so far, it's worked out well for us. Time will tell with this situation, but if my guy is telling the truth (and I'm really thinking he is, but will be most happy when it's confirmed), then we're going to be ok.

 

Definitely keep those in prayers who were fully involved. I KNOW how they must be feeling right now and wish there had been something we could have done to have prevented things. My middle son feels the same way regarding at least one of his friends. (He freely shares his thoughts with us.)

 

Those young men who did step forward are true heroes! If they hadn't... we'd probably still be receiving invitations/calls and who knows when our schedules might have worked. I shudder.

[Mrs Mungo]

My dh has worked in the mental health field for over 2 decades under almost every type of circumstance (military, schools, prisons, private practice, etc) and he said one of the creepiest clients he ever had was a "guy next door type." Nice, white, midde class grandpa. He'd raped and molested his granddd for years and had no idea why he was incarcerated. According to him he'd done nothing wrong.

 

The victims often think the perpetrator did nothing wrong. They will say that they wanted it, that it was consensual, that it felt good, etc. They often feel a lot of guilt about disclosing any of it for that reason. Children need to understand that they cannot give consent and any adult engaging in these acts is wrong. It's also wrong if an adult is encouraging children to be with each other (this *often* happens with pedophiles).

Edited February 7, 2011 by Mrs Mungo

[RanchGirl]

Creekland, this is every parent's nightmare. I can't imagine the betrayal and fear you are feeling right now. I am so sorry you and your church family are going through this. I agree with a pp, the victims that came forward are true heroes. They have saved other children from suffering as they did.

 

I also strongly agree with the pp that pointed out that honorable men in youth ministries go far out of their way to make sure their behavior is above reproach. My husband and I worked with a youth group and we had policies to make sure our leaders were never in a situation where they could be accused later on. Always 2 or more kids or 2 more more leaders, never 1/1, even just to give a ride home from an event. (Of course you can still have quiet 1:1 conversations when a kid needs to talk, but it can and should be in plain sight of others). There is just no good reason for a grown man (or woman) to be pursuing alone time with children/teenagers like Creekland has described, and it should set off red flags.

[momof3sofar]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I just can't even imagine.

[creekland]

Follow up.

 

I want to thank everyone for their prayers. We were fortunate. We dodged a bullet. The police chief confirmed last night that my son was not involved other than knowing the perp and was a target by him. Fortunately, the perp is confessing, so it's easier to determine. My son is telling the truth.

 

We dodged a bullet because this guy called to take my guy fishing around half a dozen times and we just weren't available or were too busy and forgot to call him back. The one time they were alone they were actually beekeeping (not on his property or in places he liked to go).

 

It was the best Valentine's Day present I've ever had - and the most stressful until we heard our answer.

 

BUT, if you don't mind saying a prayer for the others as there are several. And my original advice to "beware" still stands. Does it ever stand. NO ONE suspected this guy. Granted, his arrest picture looks "off," but that's not the way he looked in public. He seemed to be a genuine Christian who was concerned about the kids. He talked the talk. He appeared to walk the walk - for YEARS.

[lovetobehome]

I am so glad to hear this, friend. It has been weighing heavily on my heart. And still is, for all those affected. I am so glad your son was safe! I will continue praying for him as I am sure this is still very hard for him, and for all involved.

[Mom28kds]

I'm so sorry to hear this. Sounds like your son has been affected in some way. Hopefully not physically. So glad this guy was caught so things don't get worse. Hugs going your way :grouphug:

[scrapbookbuzz]

Oh, wow. The emotion you must be experiencing! I will most certainly pray for all of you. For resolution, for wisdom, and for peace.

[Luvmy3kids]

:grouphug:

 

I am so sorry to hear that!

 

This is the exact reason why I do not trust anyone(except mom, aunts) with my kids. Some might say that it is ridiculous, but I say that it is my job to protect my children in any way I can.

 

Again, :grouphug:!!

 

 

 

 

Beware of the man who seems so nice to youngsters, works in the church, with youth, and often takes them fishing, hunting or other such things.

 

Just saying... and praying my son is giving us an honest answer to a VERY hard question. My son that suddenly became suicidal last year and doesn't want hugs and had other "issues" that stymied us.

 

Fortunately, in our case, our schedules didn't work out often enough for this man (and I use that word VERY loosely) to have as much alone time with my guy as he wanted, so there's hope he's telling the truth (my son, that is). But there was alone time. And I SO wish there hadn't been. I feel so gullible.

 

Life does go on, right?

 

Man I feel for those (mostly in the church, not ours, but a nearby one) who are dealing with very difficult issues right now.

 

The "man" confessed concerning those who brought this to light. He's looking at 20 - 100 years in jail from what we were told (today). It's not a maybe situation - except with my son (and there might be others). I suspect it will be in the local papers before long.

 

DO NOT TRUST others with your child(ren) alone. NO ONE EVEN REMOTELY SUSPECTED THIS GUY. We all thought he was nice and appreciated him and all he wanted to do for the kids. The first confession (today) is from EIGHT years ago from what I heard - a reputable source wondering who else he'd been with. I'm sure more horrid details will come out.

 

Just saying - as I contemplate the future and what it all means - and keep wondering if my youngest is telling us the truth - or not.

 

Update and link to story on page 3. Actually, the link I can put in here:

 

http://www.eveningsun.com/ci_17296039

 

Top story in our local paper this morning (sigh).

 

We still don't know if my son was a victim or not. He tells us no, but we don't know.

[i.love.lucy]

Thank you for updating. And still :grouphug:s. It has to be so hard to know those families and to know how close you came. Because of this thread I immediately went out and got Protecting the Gift by DeBecker and read it cover to cover in a matter of a day or so. I really felt like it was and eye opener for me in some ways, but what it did do was prompt me to have some conversations with my children that I had not yet had. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for that. I know these things have been discussed before on the board, and I've heard that book mentioned, but for some reason I just felt compelled this time that I HAD to read it and HAD to have some talks with my kids. I am so grateful. :grouphug:

[Carol in Cal.]

Yes, beware definitely.

 

But, also, kids do need to know other adults. They benefit from having varied role models.

 

We have to be careful, but not to live in fear and suspician all the time.

 

It's not the case that every or even most people who voluntarily choose to work with children are perv's. It's very important to be cautious, and it is also very important not to throw out the baby with the bathwater.

[Jenn in Mo]

I read this when it was first posted, but didn't think much of it until last night, simply because we've always been pretty careful in this area. But last night, we were laughing as a family and telling our boys about things they did when they were little. "Remember when 10yods used to wail whenever our pastor got near him? He'd fall on the floor like a fainting goat every time the man walked in." We were laughing. It was a funny memory. "Remember how he used to say "Steet steet" for "sweet dreams" and go to sleep so well on his own?" "Yeah, until our pastor babysat him that one time during music practice and then he stopped sleeping." .....we laughed about what a difficult toddler he turned into overnight and then suddenly outgrew at 3 years old.

 

And then the kids went to bed and I felt sick. I left my 18 month old alone with someone for two hours and then the child had a complete personality change that lasted for 18 months and I never thought anything of it??? I'm not saying there actually was anything more than a child hitting those toddler tantrums - quite likely nothing happened that night, but suddenly I realized how naive I was and how parents really can miss signs that something has happened to their child.

 

To the OP, I'm so glad everything turned out to be okay with your son. I'll be praying for those other families involved. This is heavy on my heart now.

[creekland]

Yes, beware definitely.

 

But, also, kids do need to know other adults. They benefit from having varied role models.

 

We have to be careful, but not to live in fear and suspician all the time.

 

It's not the case that every or even most people who voluntarily choose to work with children are perv's. It's very important to be cautious, and it is also very important not to throw out the baby with the bathwater.

 

While this is true, I'll tell you that it's very, very difficult for me to want to consider letting them go anywhere (alone) at this point. When one gets very close to the fire and sees others truly burned, one probably does get phobic reactions. Hubby and I have both talked about how our feelings have changed due to this. There are many things we let our boys do before that I would question now - not free range/enjoy the outdoor things, but be careful around people things. Our instant reaction is "no" at this point (again, just alone stuff - not group stuff).

 

Talking with kids about the possibilities and their reactions should something come up is entirely worth it.

 

Did I mention that the police chief told me he had 80 kids he had to interview? I honestly don't know if the 80 is exact or a number pulled out of the sky to mean "many," but either way, it still means many. I hope most get results like we did, but we know it won't be all.