How much of a "Tiger Mom" are you?

[RegGuheert]

I cannot help but think that many homeschooling moms approach or even surpass Amy Chua in terms of how much of a "Tiger Mom" they are. So where are you on the "Tiger Mom" spectrum? (And, please, I am NOT referring to Chinese culture, but rather I am more interested in hearing about how hard you perceive that you push your children relative to other moms.)

 

Wait for the poll!

 

Just in case you have NO IDEA what I am talking about, you might want to take a look at these threads:

 

Why Chinese mothers are superior?

 

Has anyone here actually read the Chua's book "Battle Hymn of a Tiger Mother"?

 

A rebuttal to Tiger Mother

 

Daughter of Tiger Mother Responds

[MomsintheGarden]

Nice poll, Reg! So, what kind of mom would YOU be if you were one?

 

Love,

Gardenmom

[Jean in Newcastle]

I asked dh if he thought I was a Tiger Mom. This was his response: :smilielol5::smilielol5::smilielol5::smilielol5:

 

I am fairly strict with my kids on character issues. I was more "tiger momish" with ds13 when he was little. I am starting to be a bit more with dd9 because I'm seeing how being a wimp has been bad for her.

[Paige]

I don't know how I would compare to other American moms. I don't know how hard the other moms I know push their kids and how motivated the other kids are and whether they need pushing. I think I am fairly strict compared to other moms and I do push some because I wasn't pushed at all and could have used a few shoves in the right direction. I know, however, that I am not anywhere close to the Tiger Mom description.

[jennynd]

I think she has "some" right idea. I don't allow my kids to give up. i too believe that is the worst thing to let your children do. but i don't believe that put the kids down "that" day for many hrs to achieve that is right thing to do.

[Farrar]

I (at least I hope) push my kids in different ways than most American parents and certainly in very different ways than Amy Chua.

[Melissa in Australia]

I don't Push, I drag them through.

[laughing lioness]

I push REAL hard in some areas and not at all in others. I have extremely high expectations regarding character and interpersonal behavior. I have very high academic expectations. We also expect all of the kids to be able to cook a meal on demand that's not burned as well as pitch in when and where- kwim?

 

While I think some of Chua's motivational techniques are "effective" I would never employ most of the ones featured in the article. Having been raised by 2 "first borns" who were high performing and demanding parents and who employed shame and ridicule as a method of "motivation"- well, the effects are not something I want my kids struggling with.

 

Also, as a Christian I have hopes for my children that are quite different than Chua's. "Creating" performers is great and all that and I know many successful ones but I want a healthy balance for my kids that revolves around more than how loud the audience claps.

[stripe]

I think I'm married to one.

 

But I think Chua (and others in the immigrant/high achievement parent mindset) is on to one very important thing: the teen years are really important. I was thinking about people in my high school and college classes who have gone on to do really impressive things -- either academically/careerwise or in other personally impressive ways -- and they really had their act together when young. Those who wandered like a cloud may have floated on high, so to speak, and may have had fun (meeting boys, drinking, and so on), but many of them ended up very lost and drifting around for a long time. I think the sense of direction and the stressing that adulthood is coming, may be a very good thing to impart to one's child.

 

(By the way, Chua says her husband had a very free childhood and he is a great guy and provided balance in their family.)

[Audrey]

I cannot help but think that many homeschooling moms approach or even surpass Amy Chua in terms of how much of a "Tiger Mom" they are. So where are you on the "Tiger Mom" spectrum? (And, please, I am NOT referring to Chinese culture, but rather I am more interested in hearing about how hard you perceive that you push your children relative to other moms.)

 

Wait for the poll!

 

Just in case you have NO IDEA what I am talking about, you might want to take a look at these threads:

 

Why Chinese mothers are superior?

 

Has anyone here actually read the Chua's book "Battle Hymn of a Tiger Mother"?

 

A rebuttal to Tiger Mother

 

Daughter of Tiger Mother Responds

 

 

"Other"

My parenting is not a competition TYVFM.

[jennynd]

I know most of you can't understand the little animation, but it basically is a chinese news from Taiwan making fun of the Tiger Mom.. at the end she locked her kids in jail and counting Money.. just think it was really funny

http://blogs.greatschools.org/greatschoolsblog/2011/01/do-chinese-mothers-do-it-better.html?cpn=20110116weeklysend

[*Inna*]

 

I don't Push, I drag them through.

:iagree: :lol: :lol:

[sheryl]

I cannot help but think that many homeschooling moms approach or even surpass Amy Chua in terms of how much of a "Tiger Mom" they are. So where are you on the "Tiger Mom" spectrum? (And, please, I am NOT referring to Chinese culture, but rather I am more interested in hearing about how hard you perceive that you push your children relative to other moms.)

 

Wait for the poll!

 

Just in case you have NO IDEA what I am talking about, you might want to take a look at these threads:

 

Why Chinese mothers are superior?

 

Has anyone here actually read the Chua's book "Battle Hymn of a Tiger Mother"?

 

A rebuttal to Tiger Mother

 

Daughter of Tiger Mother Responds

 

 

OK Reg, thanks for the references. Before reading your actual thread (I read the poll), I though huh, I don't even know who Amy Chua is. I'll check it out. :)

[Mimm]

I feel like I need to push my kids more after reading the Chinese mom article. Not to the level that she does, but more than I do. One thing that really struck me is someone said that "Chinese moms" (however that's defined) assume their children are strong enough to handle the demands that are placed on them. I need to assume my children are more capable. That they can rise to my expectations, so long as my expectations are reasonable.

 

One thing I have a hard time with is the verbal... um, "motivation". I think saying hurtful things to your kids really does matter. These things can stick out in their mind forever.

[Mimm]

Here is her response to people's reaction to the previous article. It sounds more level headed. :)

Edited January 19, 2011 by Mimm

[Nicole M]

The answers here are curious, and I'm glad you asked. I was shocked at the indignation and horror from the moms on this board, in response to the original article, because, boy-howdy, the general sense I get here is that you ladies are tough cookies, totally in the same league with Amy. (I got a "doth protest too much" vibe in those threads, ya know?) I guess where I see the similarity is in the emphasis on moral or character development, which is the motivation behind both the Asian way and the more conservative and / or Christian parenting that I see here. That concern for character development was not spelled out exactly in the articles I read about the Tiger Mom, but I have learned about this from what I've seen among the Japanese parents I have met through Suzuki music lessons.

[shinyhappypeople]

I feel like I need to push my kids more after reading the Chinese mom article. Not to the level that she does, but more than I do. One thing that really struck me is someone said that "Chinese moms" (however that's defined) assume their children are strong enough to handle the demands that are placed on them. I need to assume my children are more capable. That they can rise to my expectations, so long as my expectations are reasonable.

 

One thing I have a hard time with is the verbal... um, "motivation". I think saying hurtful things to your kids really does matter. These things can stick out in their mind forever.

 

Yes, this. Exactly. Including the last paragraph.

[Plucky]

I had to say other. I do push and pull, but mainly I try to encourage self-motivation. My kids are pretty conscientious and want to make good choices about their lives, education, and future. So I guide, persuade, and try to let them make as many choices themselves as I can. If a kid is not yet a good decision maker, I do make more decisions for them. I don't think people are as easy to classify as we think.

[angela in ohio]

Not this woman in particular, but I know we have somewhat of the culture of this in our family (only from the hardworking Irish immigrants who value education and all want to graduate top of the class from Notre Dame side, not the Chinese side.) I read Head of the Class, and I saw a lot of our family culture in it. We do value music, we put our time and money into our children's interests and pursuits, we expect and reward intelligence and hard work, etc. I guess the difference is that I prefer to set the example and have them follow rather than push an unwilling child.

 

I didn't comment on the other threads, but I have met quite a few Chinese students from our local university, had them in our home, and talked at length with them, and I have seen and heard the effects of extreme pushing and a childhood under pressure on them. :crying: I'm glad they are accomplishing wonderful thigns (some of them have research projects I don't even understand,) but I'm glad my children have more freedom than they had.

[justamouse]

I don't know.

 

My oldest Dd takes an outside class and is a teacher's assistant. Her gpa for that class is something like 97.6.

 

I said, "Wow." Then I looked at her, eyebrow up. She immediately answered,"I missed some questions on tests that they took notes on when I was absent."

 

I mean, *so close*.

 

But, I'm really laid back. I mean, we're off this week, too. :D

 

So, I don't know.

 

I don't scream. burn toys and call names, though. Never. But we have extremely high expectations.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The answers here are curious, and I'm glad you asked. I was shocked at the indignation and horror from the moms on this board, in response to the original article, because, boy-howdy, the general sense I get here is that you ladies are tough cookies, totally in the same league with Amy. (I got a "doth protest too much" vibe in those threads, ya know?) I guess where I see the similarity is in the emphasis on moral or character development, which is the motivation behind both the Asian way and the more conservative and / or Christian parenting that I see here. That concern for character development was not spelled out exactly in the articles I read about the Tiger Mom, but I have learned about this from what I've seen among the Japanese parents I have met through Suzuki music lessons.

 

People were, on the whole, reacting to the idea of using shame to "motivate" their children, withholding food/bathroom usage and threatening to throw out toys. I've seen only a couple of posters admit to using shame and they've been pretty shamed by others on this board when they do so. I've also seen some posters threaten to throw out toys but that's been over clutter/cleaning issues and not for academic or musical performance.

[Sparkle]

I'm not a pusher, never have been and never will be. I'm more of a coaxer/encourager/go-at-your-own-pace kind of person. Amy Chua's style is just not mine at all. But to each his own.

[ElizabethB]

Most places we've lived, the "more pushy than typical American Mom" bar is pretty low. (Certain sub-areas of Los Angeles and most of the Northern VA area and other areas around DC being the exception.)

 

So, people can be checking the "more pushy" box and not be very pushy at all, there is a big gap between tiger mom pushy and typical American Mom norms.

 

You can also have high expectations without being pushy about it. And, you can have high expectations and goals and meet them in an efficient way without spending a lot of time or pushing if some areas, especially at the lower grades.

[Peela]

Its hard to compare to the culture around me since I am not in a position to see how other parents function...but I do put a much higher value on freedom and creativity and less on success in the eyes of the world, as well as academic "success" , than in appears Amy Chua does.

 

I never really was attracted to TWTM because it would give my kids a great competitive edge, make them successful etc. I was attracted to it because i feel that it provides a good education for life- it builds character and provides a fantastic foundation for understanding the culture we live in- its a broad and deep education. To me, it goes towards creating a foundation for a rich life. However somehow "education" has become so much entwined with "career", and they are truly not the same thing at all. I am far more interested in "education" and for that, I think you do need both discipline AND freedom, time to play, to find one's passions. Balance.

 

The culture Amy comes from is so competitive because of the large population and large majority of people living in what we would consider poverty. I am not going to bring up my kids to compete that way. I feel that giving someone a good education allows them to develop themselves in many directions over their lifetime..there are plenty of unhappy doctors and lawyers out there...so it's just not the same focus. But then, I would not be disappointed if they became farmers or musicians or poor artists, as long as they were happy.

 

So...while I push sometimes, and drag sometimes, I also just come from a very different place than competition.

[Joyofsixreboot]

I don't think I'm pushy but I've produced some pretty exacting children. Hmmm. I do like to offer experiences and feel like you should do your best but they get to pick what venue they want to concentrate on. They are pretty darn successful so I'm not going to change now unless one suddenly becomes a screw up. Or maybe I just got lucky when they passed out kids.

[Donna]

I laughed a bit at the article since dd's violin teacher often says I am more like an Asian mother than I think.

 

Not sure how much of a Tiger Mom I am, though. I definitely have high expectations for my kids academically and socially. I expect the kids to do their best but "their best" doesn't have to be "the best" if you kwim. I agreed with a lot of Amy Chua's goals for her children...preparing them for the future, having skills and academic readiness so doors will be open for them, etc... but did not at all agree with her methods for achieving her goals as stated in the article. It seemed like "the end justified the means" for her but I think she didn't consider her children's psychological well-being using those means.

 

I have rules that I know my kids' friends' parents do not have for their kids on dating, phone use, computer use, TV time, etc... I keep a close eye on my teens. I require family time and we have dinners together most nights of the week. I attend wrestling matches and performances...you'd be surprised, at least in our area, how many kids have no parents putting in the effort to watch them at their wrestling matches.

 

I don't pick my kids' extracurriculars. I allow them to chose what they'd like to do in sports and music, though I did want them to take some type of music lessons and try to keep them involved in something that keeps them fit.

 

I do expect them to practice whatever they decide to do and put their best effort in it. I use positive reinforcement rather than negative and try to understand how they learn best so I can help them love what they do rather than doing it because they owe me. Like a good Suzuki mom, I am really good at breaking down problems into smaller more easily accomplished tasks. I do everything I can to give them the "tools" they need for whatever they decide to do.

[Karenciavo]

I prefer Draconian :D

[athena1277]

I feel like I need to push my kids more after reading the Chinese mom article. Not to the level that she does, but more than I do. One thing that really struck me is someone said that "Chinese moms" (however that's defined) assume their children are strong enough to handle the demands that are placed on them. I need to assume my children are more capable. That they can rise to my expectations, so long as my expectations are reasonable.

 

One thing I have a hard time with is the verbal... um, "motivation". I think saying hurtful things to your kids really does matter. These things can stick out in their mind forever.

 

:iagree: That's how I felt after reading the article - that I need to push a little harder. For example, I was thinking about how I have been struggling to get dd to write neater and think that's one place she needs a greater push. However, I will leave out the discouraging names.

[Love2Smile]

I put "other" because I don't know what a tiger mom is!

[DawnM]

I am not sure how to word this, so it may come out differently than how it is intended.

 

I have a LOT of Chinese friends. Most had a Tiger Mom to one degree or another. They all had piano, a 2nd instrument, Chinese school on Saturday, and were ALL pushed into AP classes and told to go to UCLA or Stanford, and they went!

 

However, what I have noticed, and after talking to them at length.....is that they turned out very similarly to how my friends with "typical American" parents turned out. The universities may have been better rated, but the job they ended up with was the same job as the student who chose a "less prestigious" university. They no longer play instruments nor do they know much Chinese other than a working knowledge of conversation if they have Grandparents who don't speak much English, but for the most part, they don't remember the academic end of Chinese.

 

I have also run into many who are bitter, or if not bitter, at least unhappy with their parents' choices for their lives. One dear friend wanted to major in music as he was quite gifted musically. His FBC (Foreign born Chinese) parents forbid it and made him major in Math. FBC parents are also much less likely to accept their child marrying outside of the Chinese race.

 

So, do I want to be a Tiger Mom? In some ways, maybe....I want my children to succeed and do what they feel "called" to do. I want them to have a good work ethic and be trustworthy and self sufficient. But I don't intend to belittle them for not making it into a prestigious or elite school, nor do I expect them to attend one if they have no interest. I also believe wholeheartedly in having fun and building relationships with others, so restricting fun would not be on my agenda (unless it conflicts with things that do need to get done.) But that relationship also extends to the relationship between parents and children. Many of my ABC (American born Chinese) friends do not have the relationship with their parents that I wish to have with my children. They show respect and honor to their parents, but that "I can come to you with anything" feeling has never been there.

 

Ok, rant over.

 

I have a wonderful Chinese son (age 6) who announced to me this week that he doesn't care if he is the ONLY Chinese person who doesn't like math, he won't like it anyway! :lol: This started from our Chinese friend who told him, "What? You cannot be Chinese and hate math!" I love this friend and it was said somewhat tongue in cheek, but I had to laugh at my son's emphatic announcement!

 

Dawn

[angela in ohio]

I laughed a bit at the article since dd's violin teacher often says I am more like an Asian mother than I think.

 

Dh always laughs because we always end up at events that are largely populated by Asian parents and children (music contests, math events, etc.) I grew up with an Asian-sounding last name, though we weren't (gotta' love Ellis Island!) and he says it comes from my side. :D I consider it a compliment, as I think Asian-American parents often do great things for their dc. Like I said in a pp, I have some problems with what sometimes goes on in China, etc.

 

I know one of the first things people say is that they know Chinese children who are unhappy about the way their parents raised them. In all fairness, though, my dh was neglected as a child and abandoned by his father. he is pretty unhappy with his childhood, too. I don't think "American" parents have it all right sometimes, either.

[Nicole M]

People were, on the whole, reacting to the idea of using shame to "motivate" their children, withholding food/bathroom usage and threatening to throw out toys. I've seen only a couple of posters admit to using shame and they've been pretty shamed by others on this board when they do so. I've also seen some posters threaten to throw out toys but that's been over clutter/cleaning issues and not for academic or musical performance.

 

Yes, but they couldn't get past it. That surprised me. In my seven years of reading, a great many, perhaps the overwhelming majority of posters here have a style that seems over the top to me. On the whole, the style of parenting I see here is much, much closer to Tigerish than the Average American.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Yes, but they couldn't get past it. That surprised me. In my seven years of reading, a great many, perhaps the overwhelming majority of posters here have a style that seems over the top to me. On the whole, the style of parenting I see here is much, much closer to Tigerish than the Average American.

 

Yes, their utter shock at the article surprised me. But - I grew up in an Asian country. A lot of the underlying worldview of a Tiger Mom is found in many countries outside of China.

[Impish]

"Other"

My parenting is not a competition TYVFM.

:iagree:

[angela in ohio]

Yes, but they couldn't get past it. That surprised me. In my seven years of reading, a great many, perhaps the overwhelming majority of posters here have a style that seems over the top to me. On the whole, the style of parenting I see here is much, much closer to Tigerish than the Average American.

 

Really? I don't see that here much. We've had threads about "Draconian moms" and rigorous homeschoolers, and it seems few are, not is it very accepted. I'm on other boards like that, but this definitely isn't where I come for advice from that angle. :)

[kubiac]

I read Head of the Class, and I saw a lot of our family culture in it.

 

I'm curious: What is this Head of the Class book or magazine article that you mention? I'm intrigued.

[Catwoman]

I voted OTHER. Just because I could. :coolgleamA:

 

I don't fit neatly into any of the categories. I'm not a Tiger Mom by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm not completely loosey-goosey, either.

 

Honestly, my ds is already too much of a perfectionist. If I were a Tiger Mom, the poor kid would be a nervous wreck. I'm trying to help him tone down his perfectionism, not celebrate it. I don't want him to feel like a failure if he gets one question wrong on a test; I want him to do his best, but to know that everyone makes mistakes and it's not the end of the world.

 

Cat

[Negin]

My dh's relative wrote this. I met her once and she's such an incredibly nice and humble person. Plus, her kids were grounded and so friendly.

[Crissy]

I haven't read the book or the articles, so I'm not confident that I understand her parenting style. I just assume she is strict, but I can't compare myself to her.

 

I would say I am a very strict parent with high expectations, however that may fit in your poll.

[Imprimis]

I didn't answer the poll, but, I consider myself a not-so-strict parent with high expectations.

 

I do set realistic goals for my children (and expect them to set their own goals, as well), then we work together to accomplish them.

 

My part of the "work together" is to encourage, support, and occasionally nudge as the need may be :001_smile:

 

My children tend to be competitive by nature, and have confidently taken on some high-pressure challenges without any real "pushing" from me. Now, I do have to jump in from time to time to gently steer them back on track when laziness threatens to derail them ;)

[Meriwether]

People were, on the whole, reacting to the idea of using shame to "motivate" their children, withholding food/bathroom usage and threatening to throw out toys. I've seen only a couple of posters admit to using shame and they've been pretty shamed by others on this board when they do so. I've also seen some posters threaten to throw out toys but that's been over clutter/cleaning issues and not for academic or musical performance.

 

Hmmm, I have had to tell my son that I will throw out whatever toy he touches if he leaves his seat to play when he is supposed to be working. That might be mean, but I was getting really tired of looking for him each time I turned around to help my daughter with something. I have also told this child that he could not have a drink or get something to eat. He would be given time to get a drink but would be found playing instead. So, he'd have to wait for the next break time. Every. single. day. when it was time to start school, he would sit down, look at me, and say "I'm hungry. I didn't eat." It got to the point where I said, "Sorry, bud, you had breakfast and ________ minutes to get something to eat. Now it is time to work." I didn't read the article, but if this is what was going on, I guess I'm one of the mean moms.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Hmmm, I have had to tell my son that I will throw out whatever toy he touches if he leaves his seat to play when he is supposed to be working. That might be mean, but I was getting really tired of looking for him each time I turned around to help my daughter with something. I have also told this child that he could not have a drink or get something to eat. He would be given time to get a drink but would be found playing instead. So, he'd have to wait for the next break time. Every. single. day. when it was time to start school, he would sit down, look at me, and say "I'm hungry. I didn't eat." It got to the point where I said, "Sorry, bud, you had breakfast and ________ minutes to get something to eat. Now it is time to work." I didn't read the article, but if this is what was going on, I guess I'm one of the mean moms.

 

That's not what was going on. She would not let her child go to the bathroom or eat for hours on end while practicing an instrument and would threaten throwing out toys if she didn't get the piece down perfectly.

[RanchGirl]

Really? I don't see that here much. We've had threads about "Draconian moms" and rigorous homeschoolers, and it seems few are, not is it very accepted. I'm on other boards like that, but this definitely isn't where I come for advice from that angle. :)

:iagree: I see way more of the opposite on this board!

[Negin]

I haven't read the book or the articles, so I'm not confident that I understand her parenting style. I just assume she is strict, but I can't compare myself to her.

I would say I am a very strict parent with high expectations, however that may fit in your poll.

I haven't read all the articles and I do not plan on reading her book. Here's the gist of her style of parenting:

 

If you don't have time to read her article, here is the CliffsNotes summary of what Chua hasn't allowed her children to do:

• Attend a sleepover
  
• Have a play date :confused:
  
• Be in a school play :confused:
  
• Complain about not being in a school play
  
• Watch TV or play computer games
  
• Choose their own extracurricular activities :confused:
  
• Get any grade less than an A :banghead:
  
• Not be the top student in every subject :banghead: (except for Gym and Drama)