Do you or your dh maintain/develop friendship with

[JadeOrchidSong]

people of the other gender? I wonder about this for a long time and I really would like to see what a married person does or does not do in this. Do you and dh have a policy regarding seeing friends of the other gender?

As a homeschooling mom, I almost never see any human being ALONE without having to plan for child care. So my friends are usually married women with kids. I usually see them with our kids around. We have a weekly women's Bible study while the kids have their own Bible classes.

What about you? And how about your dh?

Please share your stories if you don't mind.

 

Thank you for your input.

 

ETA:

By having a friend I mean you spend time ALONE with him or her, not group settings.

Edited November 24, 2010 by aomom

[idnib]

I'm not Christian so I can't comment on that part...

 

I do have very good male friends. In fact my best friend (other than DH!) is a married man. I'm also good friends with his wife, but she's more of a homebody and likes to be alone and he likes to go and spend more time with others.

 

We hang out, eat at restaurants, see movies, and talk a lot of technical talk. He's also a photographer so we look at his work. He doesn't drive and so I take him on errands which involve long distances and/or moving heavy stuff.

 

DH has no problem with this. Sometimes the two of them go off and do things together if I'm not interested.

 

I do think it makes a difference (in our marriage) that all of our friends of the opposite gender were made before we met, like 10 years before. I hadn't thought about it before, but I'm now realizing all the friends I've made since we were married were women. Then again I had DS less than 18 months after we were married so I just ended up in mama-land pretty fast. I don't know what it would be like to meet a new male friend now. I think DH would probably be fine with it. It wouldn't bother me if he made new female friends.

[katemary63]

No, I would not have a friendship with a male seperate from my DH such that I would be spending time alone with him or talking on the phone etc regularily. That goes for DH and women to. We each have friends of the same sex and together we have couple friends. Now, on occation, I wouldn't be freaked out by being alone with a male who is a friend of ours. But I would not persue a friendship with a man outside of the presense of my DH. We're all human. We all make mistakes. Why risk it?

[cindergretta]

Dh and I prefer to spend what little time we have together. LOL I have a few good female friends. My dh's best friend is his brother. Then he has a friend that he has been friends with since they were 12. He hasn't maintained any other friendships much less cultivated new ones with men, much less women. LOL I have one friend that I have had since I was 17 who is a male. We get together for lunch about once a year. Dh encourages it. He doesn't feel threatened by it. (He shouldn't, either. No one lights up my world like my dh!! ;) )

 

But we can both honestly say that the other one is our favorite person, so it really hasn't been an issue, kwim? (I should add that he has some "old" female friends on his Facebook. While he never sees them, they semi-keep in touch via FB. I encourage that.)

[eternalknot]

people of the other gender? I wonder about this for a long time and I really would like to see what a married person does or does not do in this. Do you and dh have a policy regarding seeing friends of the other gender?

 

 

We both have friends of the opposite gender; some made prior to marriage, some made afterwards.

 

If there was a person-specific concern or worry, we'd tackle it on a case-by-case basis. We don't need a set, steadfast policy or rule.

 

My husband went from being a soldier with only male colleagues, to working with a small group of women in close quarters. It was more of an adjustment for him than it was for me; he felt more uncomfortable befriending them, but it was just the nature of his work environment that they became good friends. I was glad for it, for him.

 

He was a soldier, I'm a flight attendant. If either of us wanted other Experiences, there has never been and never will be any shortages of opportunity. We don't need to live our lives like the sky is falling. If you profess to have faith, live like you do - you know?

[missesd]

I won't even let the cable guy in if hubby isn't home. Not only does it make me uncomfortable, I like to avoid the appearance of evil or impropriety. Most our church feels the same, but even if they didn't, I would extend that rule to ward members as well. Hubby and I decided before we got married any opposite sex friends we already had would become friends of OURS or the family. There would be no chatting on the phone for long periods or on a daily basis, no going to the movies together, etc... We would not seek out new relationships with the opposite sex either. And none would ride in our car alone.

 

When we made the choice to marry, we chose our cream of the crop in the opposing gender, there really is no reason to seek out new friendships. If I am supposed to leave my parents, and cleave unto my spouse then really want is the point of bringing anybody additional in, if they are not other paired couples to hang out with?? I can see double dates, BBQ's etc... but no solo outings... sorry.

[Tohru]

I used to have very good male friends before marriage, but now I just don't feel comfortable around men other than my dh, especially after I read Every Man's Battle.

 

Now I try to stay away from men in general - married or not. I have a natural tendency to help people feel good about themselves and I'd rather not talk to men without my dh with me. With my friend's husbands, I generally ignore them politely...no one seems to mind.

 

For my husband, it probably would not be okay with me if he met a new woman friend, but the ones he's known for years are fine.

[cherylw]

I don't think developing a new male friend is a good idea. I don't desire any other man's company except for my dh...and he would say the same for me. We are a family and we are usually together. I have male fb friends but I don't chat with them. We have couples from church that are both our friends and I would never want to just call one of the husbands to just talk. Occassionaly a txt for info, maybe but that's it.

My sister is going through a divorce right now because her husband got a little too close with a female co-worker that he claimed started out as friends...although there are other issues involved, I wouldn't want to put myself in that situation.

[annandatje]

I won't even let the cable guy in if hubby isn't home. Not only does it make me uncomfortable, I like to avoid the appearance of evil or impropriety. Most our church feels the same, but even if they didn't, I would extend that rule to ward members as well. Hubby and I decided before we got married any opposite sex friends we already had would become friends of OURS or the family. There would be no chatting on the phone for long periods or on a daily basis, no going to the movies together, etc... We would not seek out new relationships with the opposite sex either. And none would ride in our car alone.

 

When we made the choice to marry, we chose our cream of the crop in the opposing gender, there really is no reason to seek out new friendships. If I am supposed to leave my parents, and cleave unto my spouse then really want is the point of bringing anybody additional in, if they are not other paired couples to hang out with?? I can see double dates, BBQ's etc... but no solo outings... sorry.

 

We had to jump through hoops to get cable in our older house due to erroneous records and repeated lack of coordination between the people who laid cable to the house and those who actually connected us. It required a call to a person of influence to finally resolve it. My husband would have been off work several hours a day for quite a few days. At that time, his schedule was not flexible.

 

I am curious about the logistics of your situation. If men are patching or replacing your roof or painting exterior of house, must husband be home? What if your pipes froze when husband was out of town?

 

Also my husband has female coworkers that he has to travel with to places around the region. He could not refuse to be in car alone with one woman in particular without risking losing his job. Does your husband have a job where he does not have to ride alone in car with female?

[jujsky]

At this point, the vast majority of our opposite-gender friends are part of couples that we're friends with. We do have a divorced male friend that we're close to. He's been at the house without DH before -- usually when we invite him to dinner and DH isn't home yet. DH would have no qualms if I wanted to go to the movies with him or something. He's one of those rare guys that secretly likes chick-flicks ;) He's too honorable to ever try anything and he values his friendship with me and his friendship with DH too much. We have a couple married male friends like that too, and DH would be fine if circumstances didn't allow him to join in some activity and I went alone with one of those male friends. We DO have a couple of male friends DH would NOT feel comfortable with. He knows I wouldn't let anything happen, and doubts they would even try anything because of that, but he wouldn't want me alone with them just in case they did go stupid and try to make a pass at me. DH has a former co-worker (female) whom he has lunch with on occasion. I've never met her, but she's much older, and it's strictly a work-place/professional friendship. I wouldn't mind if DH spent time doing something with most of my female friends. In fact, when my best friend (and neighbor) divorced her husband, I'd send DH over to help her with things all the time. I knew I could trust him and I knew I could trust her. If I couldn't trust one of them, DH would never be put in the position to be alone with her.

 

That's sort of how we roll. We trust each other completely, so it really comes down to how much we trust our other friends. We are very seldom alone with friends of the opposite gender though. DH is so busy with work and I'm so busy homeschooling and taxiing the kids everywhere that when we do have down-time we like to spend it with each other. The vast-majority of our friend-time is spent together. If not, it's usually the guys going out for a guys night, or the girls going out for a girls night. I don't think there's anything wrong with spending time with friends of the opposite gender though, so long as it's strictly platonic, you use common sense (meaning you don't start blabbing to your male friend about relationship problems or bashing your husband to him the second you're alone because that definitely sends a mixed message), and there is no "emotional cheating" going on (becoming closer emotionally to male friend than you are to DH).

[missesd]

We had to jump through hoops to get cable in our older house due to erroneous records and repeated lack of coordination between the people who laid cable to the house and those who actually connected us. It required a call to a person of influence to finally resolve it. My husband would have been off work several hours a day for quite a few days. At that time, his schedule was not flexible.

 

I am curious about the logistics of your situation. If men are patching or replacing your roof or painting exterior of house, must husband be home? What if your pipes froze when husband was out of town?

 

Also my husband has female coworkers that he has to travel with to places around the region. He could not refuse to be in car alone with one woman in particular without risking losing his job. Does your husband have a job where he does not have to ride alone in car with female?

 

We arrange workers when he is home if we can. And we rent, so most of that would be arranged by our landlord or his representative. The only exception would be if there was an emergency and he couldn't get home... of course I would do what needed to be done. I am a capable woman, I just prefer to differ to my husband when it comes to any matters involving another male. And I can always request a female worker if need be. I know they have them out here :)

 

And no my husbands job does not require him to be in a car with anyone. He is in the pc industry, and more often then not if there were training required at the very beginning, usually it is a male. Only one time has it been a female, and I met her and everything was fine. Of course we would not decline nor jeopardize a job, just because a female was training him.

[RoughCollie]

My DH is very introverted. To my way of thinking, he doesn't like many people and to his way of thinking, I like everybody without discrimination.

 

I have both male and female friends. Heck, even my former husband and I are still friends, 24 years after our divorce. If the guy is married, I'm equally good friends with his wife. If the guy is gay, obviously DH doesn't care.

 

DH does not mind in the least. He knows nothing will happen. Despite him thinking I like everybody, I am very particular about the people I choose to be friends with. They must be people with high moral values; having integrity is important to them. Everyone else I like is firmly in the acquaintance category.

 

I am careful about how the children view this, however. In fact, with the married guys who live close by, the kids and I are close friends with their entire family. DH could be too. He knows them, but he doesn't like spending time with them except under duress. I don't think it is anything personal -- his world revolves solely around me and the kids, that's just how he is.

 

The boys got very upset when a male friend of mine sent me 2 dozen roses once -- the boys were 4 or 5 years old at the time. They thought my friend would follow-up by coming to our house to drag me out of there cave-woman style, to marry me. Since then, I'm careful to point out to them that the men I am friends with are just friends. (The flower sender was gay, btw ... and not a threat at all.) I don't have to do that much any more because the kids are older and I've only made 3 male acquaintances since we moved here. Mind you, they are men of integrity -- I just haven't known them and their wives long enough to put them into the friend category. It takes a few years, at least.

 

There is no risk involved at all. DH may have any friends he likes, regardless of gender, nationality, sexual preference, etc., and so may I. (I realize that's easy for me to say, given my DH.) We trust each other ... it's bone deep. We are committed to our marriage until death do us part. I have a policy of not talking about DH with my friends, aside from casual, unimportant references to him -- our marriage is a private matter between us. I'd feel like I was talking behind DH's back if I did that.

 

I could not get closer to a male friend than I am to DH. He knows everything about me that I know. No one else does, and no one else will.

Edited November 20, 2010 by RoughCollie

[Peela]

Yes, the world is full of interesting and beautiful people and dh both have friends of both sexes....some mutual, some not so mutual. Yes, at times jealousy has arisen in both of us over someone, but nothing that some deep communication and loving reassurance couldn't cure.

The truth is, if you want an affair...or I could say it more personally...if either of us wanted an affair...we both have the opportunity and circumstance that could allow it. So far, so good....we dont. But we also have had many partners before each other (although we have been monogomously together for almost 20 years now)....so the curiosity is not so strong. Everything that glitters is not gold, and novelty wears off.

I can see how it can be tricky ground for many marriages...but its not the friend of the opposite sex that is ever the issue. Its the marriage. Affairs dont just happen, you dont just fall in love with someone outside of a marriage, like you might get hit by a brick falling from a building site...first, your marriage needs to have some serious issues...or is not meeting one or both partners' needs.

I think people are often afraid of both themselves and their unconscious desires, and also their partner's unconscious desires...so they want to control the situation, hence the "rules" whether spoken or unspoken. Both dh and I would rather move toward allowing each other the freedom to love whoever we wish to be friends with...and explore any issues which come up within the context of our marriage and our committment to each other and meeting each other's needs. But, we are human and we both enjoy many friendships outside our marriage. My male friends are dear to me and mostly married (one is not), and I am also friends with their wives but I often have deep conversations with the men- who I knew before they were married.

I am more inclined towards inclusivity than exclusivity with such things.

[rootsnwings]

No Way! I am wayyyy too jealous to approve of him having another female friend so I wouldn't suspect he'd be cool with me being friends with another man. I just have no use for male companionship--dh is awesome at fufilling ALL my needs! ;) AND--I have lots of girlfriends to gab with--I've just never felt like a male friendship, besides my husband's, was something I needed to be happy. :)

[Laura Corin]

We have no policy. We trust each other. We each have friends of the opposite sex.

 

Laura

[dm379]

We don't but it isn't forbidden or anything. I'm not typically interested in any guys enough to form a friendship and DH doesn't work with any girls. I used to talk to one of DH's friends almost daily but it was to set up play dates for our daughters and he was a single dad. I was his emergency contact and would regularly step in and play mom for his dd. I always felt weird and would immediately let DH know when he had called or we had met up even though there was absolutely nothing going on and he didn't care at all. Earlier this week I met up with my bff's husband alone in order to give him some stuff and I felt like I was betraying both her and dh. The meeting lasted maybe 3 minutes and I felt like I was going to throw up the whole time. Apparently my conscious works overtime, even when there's nothing to feel guilty about.

[Carrie12345]

Not Christian, but yes, we do have opposite-sex friends from before and after we got married.

 

I consider myself pretty introverted. I don't typically go out of my way to make friends of any gender. Dh has a pretty heavy work schedule and long commute, so his social calendar isn't exactly on fire. But both of us still manage to meet people and form friendships in our day to day lives.

 

For the most part, I tend to see people in groups, because that's just the nature of my activities. And the male friends I see on a regular basis happen to be much older gentlemen. That's not based on any intentional criteria. They're just the people I meet while doing the things I enjoy.

 

Tonight, dh will sit with many of them at our pot luck dinner, just as I sit with many of his female friends when we go to barbecues.

[Mom0012]

My husband has a couple he used to hang out with a lot before we married. I didn't really hit it off with them and for a while he would hang out with them on his own. That relationship just slowly fizzled out as we had children and became busy and they did too. Plus, we moved a little further into the country and it made the distance between us that much greater.

 

I never had any strong male friendships that weren't boyfriends before marriage and I haven't developed any since. As a matter of fact, I am carpooling with a mom for one of my daughter's classes and the dad keeps taking her place, so I have found myself talking with the dad a lot. It is weird for me because he is super nice and attractive and I haven't talked to a man outside of my family in a friendship sort of way in years and years. It's weird, but I actually had a hard time making myself talk to him the first few times.

 

Anyway, we don't have a policy, but at this point I can't imagine either of us going off with a friend of the opposite sex when there is so little time we have to do things together as it is. I think if I told my husband I was going to go to the movies with "Kevin", he'd look at me like I had two heads, but that's probably because it would be so out of character for me and because my husband and I almost never get to go out on our own.

 

Lisa

Edited November 20, 2010 by LisaTheresa

[kewb]

My husband has a couple he used to hang out with a lot before we married. I didn't really hit it off with them and for a while he would hang out with them on his own. That relationship just slowly fizzled out as we had children and became busy and they did too. Plus, we moved a little further into the country and it made the distance between us that much greater.

 

 

Same here, with the exception that I also had a coupld of male friends.

 

I am friends with a homeschooling dad but we normally only see each other when our girls get together. I am also friends with his wife I just happen to see the dad more often.

[hsbaby]

I would not be comfortable with dh having female friends. Nope, no way! I know he feels the same way about me having male friends. In my opinion it just adds unnecessary stress to a marriage. We are not the overprotective type either. We both spend time with our same gendered friends wether it be going out to dinner, dh grabbing a beer with co-workers, etc. But, the opposite gender dynamic is not one either of us would be comfortable with.

[Word Nerd]

I have male friends, but I also have boundaries that aren't rules so much as what seems reasonable to me. For me, it would feel very weird to go out to dinner or anywhere else alone with a male friend.

[kwickimom]

No way. My DH tried to have a female friend and she had other intentions. He does talk to my girlfriends, but not when I am not around. It just causes problems. I trust DH and vice versa...its the other people we can't trust. We don't want it to not look right if we were around the opposite sex alone. He works with females and its not like I would flip out if my friends stopped by and they chatted but we don't go out alone with them.

 

We aren't super crazy about this...is not like we can't chat with the opposite sex or something, but we are not alone with one unless it is a close personal friend of both of ours and it is not alone in public where it could be percieved wrong.

[angela in ohio]

No, I would not have a friendship with a male seperate from my DH such that I would be spending time alone with him or talking on the phone etc regularily. That goes for DH and women to. We each have friends of the same sex and together we have couple friends. Now, on occation, I wouldn't be freaked out by being alone with a male who is a friend of ours. But I would not persue a friendship with a man outside of the presense of my DH. We're all human. We all make mistakes. Why risk it?

 

This is us exactly.

 

Marriage has enough enemies/ difficulties, why add another possible one?

 

I also agree about appearances. We know two parents, from two marriages, who are very chummy, and the first thought is not a good one when you see them. I would never want anyone to assume anything like that about dh or I. Ick!

[freethinkermama]

We have no policy. We trust each other. We each have friends of the opposite sex.

 

Laura

 

My husband is introverted, and most of his friends are male. I'm extroverted and have friends of both genders, though I'm closer with my female friends. We're comfortable with that, and we trust each other.

 

The night my husband and I returned from our honeymoon, there was a big flood in our city. A woman (half of a couple we were friends with--our missionary mentors--and whose husband was out of town) called us in the middle of the night asking for help to roll up some carpet in the basement My husband said, "sure" he'd be right there. Husband told me to enjoy my sleep, went over after avoiding the major street flooding, and came home and went to sleep again. Didn't think anything of it.

 

For the next several days the friend complained that I didn't come and that it looked wrong for my husband to be going into her house. We were devout Christians at the time and didn't even think about the possible "impropriety" of what this might look like. But she was very upset. I bit my tongue.

 

I needed an emergency drive to the airport several years ago, and while a friend's husband was available, that would have looked wrong for me to be in a car alone with him for any amount of time.

 

I understand folks maybe not wanting to have serious friendships with members of the opposite sex, maybe. But, really? Does it have to be like this?

 

I think the only people who think things like this are so bad, or look bad, are religious :) Makes me wonder.

 

T.

Edited November 20, 2010 by freethinkermama
oops, spelling that made for confusion

[JadeOrchidSong]

OK.

Edited November 24, 2010 by aomom

[Rivka]

It would never in a million years occur to me that having the cable guy in the house, or catching a ride to the airport with someone would have "the appearance of evil." It seems like such a sordid and sex-obsessed way of looking at things.

[lisabelle]

I tend to have an easier time making friends with guys than other women...though as I get older it *is* getting easier for me to make friends with women. I chalk it up to having grown up in a house full of brothers and pretty much *being* one of the guys. Especially since I've become a parent...one grows used to seeing moms at various events. Then when a dad is there, he tends to stick out like a sore thumb and I feel compelled to introduce myself and make him comfortable.

 

Up until this summer I did have guy friends I did stuff with. They were all dads, with sons the same age as mine, and doing stuff was more like getting together and hanging out while the boys played. But in June I met my younger twin brothers and their families for a week-long family reunion (they both live on the opposite side of the country from me) at a house on the Outer Banks, and that seems to have filled up my "guy" tank.

 

Dh has never been concerned about my guy friends. I don't think I ever spent enough time with them for him to be concerned. Plus, it's always pretty clear how much I adore dh.

[NanceXToo]

No. He has female customers he's 'friendly with' when he sees them in the shop but no female friends that he goes and spends time with outside of the home or work. And to do so would definitely NOT be okay with me.

 

When he's not at work, he spends most of his time with us, his family. And if he's going out with a friend now and then, it's a male friend. Or we're going out with or getting together with couple friends.

 

Likewise, I would not go spend time with another guy who wasn't my husband or relative or develop a relationship with a guy that goes to that extent.

 

I guess if I worked with someone and became friendly with them at work, I'd remain friendly with them at work, but not to the point of 'hey let's you and me get together outside of work and hang out without my husband' or anything like that.

[Sahamamama]

Since my husband and I barely are able to manage a DATE -- that means, just the two of us, no kids, out doing something -- I can simply not imagine planning and implementing "dates" -- that means, just another man and me, no kids, out doing something -- with someone other than my husband.

 

The person I REALLY want to go out with is presently in the kitchen serving cream of wheat to our children. :D

 

Now HIM, I want to develop a friendship with! No one else, but I think I know what you mean.... we have rules for that, and it's off limits, in both directions.

[Jen in PA]

We have no policy. We trust each other. We each have friends of the opposite sex.

 

Laura

 

:iagree: Dh is a bit of an introvert, so he isn't really out spending time with friends. At his former job he worked mostly with women, and I know they would go to lunch all the time. No problem. I spend most of my time around other homeschooling moms, so I don't spend much time with other men. At least half of my friends from before our marriage are guys, though, and I have never even considered not staying in touch with them. We talk on the phone, chat online, etc.

[Sophia]

By having a friend I mean you spend time ALONE with him or her no matter what you do (having lunch or going to a movie) and you PLAN the time alone with the friend, not in group settings or social parties.

 

 

 

No. That would be weird.

 

When I was first married, a work friend told me her second marriage was to a man with whom she had had an affair while still married to her first husband.

I'll never forget how she phrased it "It started with just a cup of coffee..."

She sounded sad about it.

[Pretty in Pink]

No, neither of us really has friends of the opposite gender that we "hang out" alone with. We don't have any rules in place, per se, it just seems to be the way it works out. We are both quite busy and prefer to spend our free time together.

 

I will admit that the thought of going to dinner with another man doesn't sit right with me. I think it would feel awkward at best.

[Sahamamama]

I won't even let the cable guy in if hubby isn't home. Not only does it make me uncomfortable, I like to avoid the appearance of evil or impropriety.

 

:iagree:This is also us, most of the time. I just don't like being home, alone, with three little girls, and having the "_____________ man" come into the house. Usually, since my husband probably can't get off work, and he leaves so early, my dad will come over and just sit around with a cup of coffee... like he's just stopping by. ;) Or my mom will come over and hang out. No one seems to mind having Pop Pop and/or Grammy around. It's also very helpful to have my dad here with "mechanical" types of men, because he was a construction worker and he speaks their language, KWIM? I have NO idea what they are talking about... the thing-a-ma-bob in the whatchamacallit? Yeah, that. He absolutely has saved us thousands of dollars with his 78 years of experience. Priceless.

 

In a way, though, there ARE four men with whom I am totally comfortable AND pursue a friendship.

 

#1 -- My beloved and wonderful brother-in-law. I love him. He married my sister and has stayed married to her for 20 years, and that is saying something! :lol: What's not to love about him? He vacuums their whole house daily. He pays the bills on time. He is always so encouraging, even when I was single well into my thirties, he was such a champion in encouraging me. So, one vote for "friendship/sister-brother" with Eddy.

 

#2 -- My husband's cousin, who is like a brother to him. We went on a vacation earlier this year with him, and he is sooooooo easy to be around, kids and all. He is single, no kids, very sweet, very Egyptian, so polite and solicitous. He bought me clothes. My husband doesn't even buy me clothes! :glare: I love him. We plan to spend part of every year with him, even if it is only a week at a time. He needs us, and we need him.

 

#3 -- My husband's brother. He is married with two boys, lives in another state, but is so very easy to love and enjoy being with. We talk on the phone sometimes, because he never calls when my husband is home. He's super busy, and we don't seem them much, but I do try to "build" that relationship. Even so, it's family, and not at all "date-like."

 

#4 -- Our pastor. No dates here, LOL. Just a comfortable, pastor-like friendship, somewhere in between brother and dad. He's a bit older than we are, but we are older parents and he is a young granddad -- so OUR kids are the same ages as HIS grandkids. He always has a baby on his lap. :D He understands us, he gets it. We love him, and his whole family.

 

That's about as far as I would go with opposite gender friendships. Like I said, I WANT A DATE WITH MY HUSBAND.... who is walking by at just this moment, coincidentally. ;)

[mazakaal]

No, I would not have a friendship with a male seperate from my DH such that I would be spending time alone with him or talking on the phone etc regularily. That goes for DH and women to. We each have friends of the same sex and together we have couple friends. Now, on occation, I wouldn't be freaked out by being alone with a male who is a friend of ours. But I would not persue a friendship with a man outside of the presense of my DH. We're all human. We all make mistakes. Why risk it?

 

This pretty much describes dh and me. I am friendly with other men in social situations. I'll chat with a friend's husband for a couple of minutes before asking for his wife if he answers the phone. But I won't cultivate any one-on-one friendships with a man, nor would dh with a woman. It's just safer that way.

[LibraryLover]

Dh and I have never discussed a policy. He works with a couple women, and he travels a couple of times a month. I've never had a concern. Call me crazy. :)

Edited November 21, 2010 by LibraryLover

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I have a very dear male friend that I used to spend loads of alone time with before I had kids, but he's gays, so I don't think that poses any problem. I do still spend alone time with him, just not as often.

 

None of my other male friends that live near me are single, but if I did make a male friend, I would introduce him to dh and I don't think dh would have a problem with me spending time with another guy if there was nothing intimate happening. Dh has a few single female friends, and although he rarely has time to spend with them, when he does, I know I have nothing to worry about. (mainly because dh is clueless about when women are making moves on him!

:lol:)

[ma23peas]

I think if you're planning 'dates' or 'time' with a person of the opposite sex...there is something wrong. As others have mentioned, as a homeschooler we are all so busy....any free time to be planned is definitely spent with my husband/kids..the only time I'm with other families is if we're doing a project together...but we're all there for the same event, not to provide companionship for each other...companionship stays within my family...when all the kids are gone, I could see me actually finding time to go for a cup of coffee with some girl friends but not a male friend..same for husband, he thinks it's not right for a male coworker to take a female coworker to lunch (this has happened) and we both agreed their marriages were in trouble..6 months later..both were filing for divorces...

Not that it 'can't' happen but we feel you put too much at risk for what gain? We get our joy/companionship from each other not others.

 

Tara

[Cricket]

Nope, not at all. We went to a salsa dance class a couple of weeks ago and dh refused to change partners when the teacher wanted us to. He said that he came to the class to spend time with me, not dance with other women. :lol: It isn't a question a trust. I don't think anyone ever goes out looking for an affair. How many times have you heard the excuse, "It just happened!" And it isn't really even about the worry of an affair. If you married the best, why wouldn't you want to spend your free time with him?

[lionfamily1999]

Our policy is, if only dh is home then no females besides dd and blood relations. If it's just me no males except blood relations.

 

We do not go out alone with people of the opposite sex.

 

Since your ETA says other gender friends in a group settings don't count, I guess we don't have any :p

 

We've only had one real issue, a particular woman who thought she had the right to sneak up on dh at work, stop by the house when I wasn't home and all around act like a stinking sexual predator. When she kissed him, I was standing right there, dh finally saw things from my pov and she was cut off. Now, if she wants to see dh, she has to call me :D

[katemary63]

The night my husband and I returned from our honeymoon, there was a big flood in our city. A woman (half of a couple we were friends with--our missionary mentors--and whose husband was out of town) called us in the middle of the night asking for help to roll up some carpet in the basement My husband said, "sure" he'd be right there. Husband told me to enjoy my sleep, went over after avoiding the major street flooding, and came home and went to sleep again. Didn't think anything of it.

 

For the next several days the friend complained that I didn't come and that it looked wrong for my husband to be going into her house. We were devout Christians at the time and didn't even think about the possible "impropriety" of what this might look like. But she was very upset. I bit my tongue.

 

I needed an emergency drive to the airport several years ago, and while a friend's husband was available, that would have looked wrong for me to be in a car alone with him for any amount of time.

 

I understand folks maybe not wanting to have serious friendships with members of the opposite sex, maybe. But, really? Does it have to be like this?

 

I think the only people who think things like this are so bad, or look bad, are religious :) Makes me wonder.

 

T.

 

:iagree: I am a devout Christian. But I agree with you that this is silly. While I do not have friendships with men seperate from my DH, in my first post I mentioned that I would not "freak out" if on occasion, I was alone with a man who was a friend of ours. There are several men in our cirlce that I would call if I needed some type of help. That's not giving the "appearance" of inpropriety, that's just normal life - a person helping out another person. Now, something like going to the movies or out to eat with a male friend would be off limits for me. And calling on one particular man repeatedly would certainly raise flags. But an emergency ride to the airport alone in a car with one of our wonderful male friends or one of them coming over to help me in a flooding emergency would be no problem for me or my DH. I wouldn't even have known how to respond to that woman's complaint, seriously.

[amy g.]

We both have friends of the opposite gender. I go out to eat alone with my male friends of 25 years. Dh just says, "Be sure to give him a hug from me, and invite him to dinner soon."

 

We have never had any problems. Dh has women engineers who work for him. he couldn't avoid traveling and going out to eat with them if he wanted to. It isn't even on our radar.

[katemary63]

Dh has women engineers who work for him. he couldn't avoid traveling and going out to eat with them if he wanted to. It isn't even on our radar.

 

My DH has women sales people call on him and they go out to lunch together, just the two of them. ONe of them is in her 60s. Another is quite young. I trust my DH 100%, but if I didn't, this would bother me. There is no avoiding it though. It's his job.

[LibraryLover]

 

Dh has women engineers who work for him. he couldn't avoid traveling and going out to eat with them if he wanted to. It isn't even on our radar.

 

I am trying to think about how one in a typical week would go about avoiding people of the opposite sex. One of the attorneys on a huge project my dh is working one is female. I can't even figure out how I would get through a week without talking to, and being with various men. I see the same men over and over and over again.

 

 

;) I would doink the cable guy why? Because he's in my house? I need to know how desperate I would have to be.

Edited November 21, 2010 by LibraryLover

[smrtmama]

I don't. My husband has a female friend through work, but they don't really hang out often and it's almost always with other people.

[freethinkermama]

;) I would doink the cable guy why? Because he's in my house? I need to know how desperate I would have to be.

 

:iagree::lol:

 

 

Yeah, men better not come over here 'cause I'm afraid I'll rip their clothes off and have my way with them.

[LibraryLover]

:iagree::lol:

 

 

Yeah, men better not come over here 'cause I'm afraid I'll rip their clothes off and have my way with them.

 

 

Exactly. That happens to me all the time.

 

I accidently set my oven on fire this summer so I could have all of the firefighters rush my house. In my town, these guys are amazingly adorable. They need their own calander.

[LibraryLover]

Our policy is, if only dh is home then no females besides dd and blood relations. If it's just me no males except blood relations.

QUOTE]

 

It seems to me that to even be on Jerry Springer, cheaters have to be related. Blood is best, but marraige is ok, too. :D

[3lilreds in NC]

Hmm. Well, currently, I do have one male friend with whom I spend time, but my kids always go too. He lives in our neighborhood and has a neurological disorder that causes him to be in a lot of pain most of the time. He is VERY extroverted and loves to talk, and he does get lonely. He can't drive himself much anymore because of the meds he has to take, so we do go see him. Would I visit him without the kids? I don't know. Probably. I can't see it coming up though.

 

I do have 2 male friends from college who don't live near me, but I could see me going out to do something with them alone if we lived near enough. My one friend and I like music that most others don't so I could see us going to concerts together to save our spouses' ears. :D My other friend and I talk on the phone a lot, and for long periods of time, and my dh doesn't mind. I've asked him about it, because my mom thought it might be inappropriate (I can sometimes be clueless). My dh is an introvert and really not into small talk. When I asked him if he would like to talk about what might be inside the Great Pyramid of Khufu or whether we were created with oppositional thumbs, I wish you could have seen the look on his face - deer in headlights, "Please, oh please, don't make me!" :lol: That's the kind of stuff I talk about with that friend. That, and his wife and her pregnancy. :)

 

As others have said, they are friends from before my marriage. Dh knows them too and is OK with them. I am definitely the one who is likely to be more suspicious, only because dh is really quite clueless. He would not have any idea that a woman had designs on him if the situation arose. I think I would be OK with him having lunch with his HS friends if they lived nearby. I would like it better if they came over to the house for dinner though.

 

I don't cultivate male friendships now. If I am friends with a man, it's through his wife or in a group setting. I agree that no one sets out to have an affair - it's a road with lots of small steps and often I think people don't figure it out until it's gone too far.

 

I can't imagine cheating. I can't imagine dh cheating. I just think it's better to avoid the temptation.

[Parrothead]

I don't get the evilness or competition aspect of having friends of the opposite gender. Right now in this place, I don't have friends of the opposite gender. I have in the past in other places we've lived. In the past dh rarely had friends that are women. This time 'round one of the "guys" is a cute chickee poo. I'm not worried.

 

I find something I consider a bit odd when there are get togethers in this region. Instead of the attendees mingling all together, they separate into two groups. One for the girls and one for the boys. And I get funny looks if I try to spend time with dh in his group. This concept is so very foreign to me.

 

How is having a male friend any more a competition for dh than a female friend? Do not both, male and female friends, take time and energy to maintain? How is one gender more time consuming than the other?

 

:iagree::lol:

 

 

Yeah, men better not come over here 'cause I'm afraid I'll rip their clothes off and have my way with them.

I kissed the telephone guy :blushing: on the cheek after :hurray: because we'd been without internet and telephone for a week. I told dh when he came home for lunch. He thought it was :lol:

[Renthead Mommy]

Of course. We both have friends of the opposite sex. We have lots of friends, both from before we knew each other and from over our 15 years together.

 

We both do things/ go places with our friends, by ourselves.

 

I guess I don't get the issue. If opposite sex friendship is an issue for you, why?

 

Are you worried about your spouse cheating because they're out with a friend or someone from work of the opposite sex? Then you have a trust issue in your marriage.

 

Are you worried about what other people think? Why? It's their issue not yours. Why do you want other people in your marriage? Why do you worry about what others think as long as you know the truth?

 

And why should others care who you are friends with? It's your life not theirs.

 

And just because a husband only spends time with other men, doesn't mean he isn't STILL cheating on his wife. And just because a woman is only ever with other women, doesn't mean that she isn't STILL cheating on her husband.

 

Hey, it happens. More often than people realize.

 

Let people be friends who they need/want to be friends with.