Vent about SIL - any opinions?

[journeytolily]

Okay, I don't usually get too worked up over things, but this really has me upset :-(

 

DH and I are leaving for SC and FL (WDW!) on Thanksgiving Day, traveling by car from MI with our THREE kids (ages 9,7, and 2). Yes, I am stressed with just the thought of it!

 

Since moving up here last December, we haven't seen my mother who is still in SC. So, we are taking a little detour to visit her for a few hours on Friday, spend the night, and then head for MIL's in central Florida for a few hours, spend the night, then head to WDW to check in on Sunday. Heading back home the next Sunday AM, straight up to MI with one night in a hotel, so DH can be back at work on Tues. WHEW!!!

 

DH's sister lives outside of DC. She asked last month if she could catch a ride with us, maybe in SC, to go down and spend time with her mother (actually to spend time with all her MANY friends, as she never is at her mother's house but to sleep and shower). I told DH that 1, it would be VERY crowded in the van, since we'll be taking baby gear and all our luggage, etc, for almost 2 weeks of vacation - and 2, she would probably want to bring her dog, and we most definitely not be able to fit HIM in (and really, I am a cat person - don't dislike dogs, but don't really want to spend 7 hrs in a cramped van with one), and 3, I am concerned about our tight time-line. I've got things planned out, and really don't want to worry about another person.

 

A couple of nights ago, SIL calls to see what we can plan, since her leaving her car at my mom's house in SC wouldn't work, if we won't be going home that way to drop her off. She proceeds to mapquest the directions, and informs DH that it wouldn't take too long to (only another couple of hours!) go back north thru SC to drop her off. DH tells her that with the kids, everything takes WAY longer, and we really don't want to add more time to our trip. Then she suggests that she park her car somewhere along the way, maybe KY, and then drop her off there on the way home. Yes, she MUST bring the dog, and no, she sees no reason why we can't all squeeze in for a few hours. Oh, and if we did this, she would also have to camp out in a hotel room with all of us.

 

Now she is mad at me, she got really mad on the phone, and makes me out to be a control freak, uncaring about family, and a dog-hater! All she wants is the chance to spend some time with us. HA! She insinuates to DH that he is letting me run things, and he should stand up for what HE wants to do. This KILLS me - HE doesn't like this plan anymore than I do! But apparently, SIL thinks it is all ME, even when he tells her that he and I both are in agreement. IT WON'T WORK.

 

She's just assuming that we can find each other someplace in KY. None of us is familiar with any place in KY. She's assuming that my mother won't mind another house guest in her tiny house, PLUS a dog (she has 3 cats!). Also, we only have maybe 10 hours total to be with my mom - is it selfish on my part, or my mom's part, to not want to share it with SIL???

 

Bottom line, she wants to go see her friends, but she doesn't want to drive all that way by herself, or spend all the money for gas. She will end up taking my MIL's only car every day, to go galavanting around, and we will all be majorly put out for her sake. DH's comment about traveling this long with his sister? "Oh, fun, 14 hours in the car with Jill!" She loves to pick fights and we have to watch everything we say, as she will jump on whatever is said, as harmless as it is, just to have some debate. Ah, fun times!

 

Really, am I being selfish??? DH agrees that his sister has no idea of what traveling, and planning for travels, with small kids is like. She has lived her 44 yrs traveling from place to place, picking up at a moment's notice and doing whatever she pleases, and has no consideration of anyone else. NO, it's always the rest of us that are unyielding. But...DH hates to have strife in the family. And truthfully, so do I . I hate it that I am being put into this position - doing what's right for ME and MY family, or making SIL happy and then being totally stressed and resentful.

 

Please, am I being unreasonable for having these feelings? I'm starting to really just dread the whole trip and want to cancel!

 

Veronica

p.s DH told SIL that we plan on visiting DC next summer for a week, and we could spend time with her them (well, if she can free-up some time!)

[Barry Goldwater]

It's your vacation...SIL shouldn't be dictating ANY terms, period. I would gently suggest that you let DH handle the communications now, and to tell her to find her own way where-ever she wants to go...I can only imagine that drive w/3 little ones, and then HER and the DOG (I love dogs, drove 900 miles with them, and with DW & 4 kids, but it was OUR dog...totally different). She sounds like a tick to me...

 

Enjoy WDW!!

[Carol in Cal.]

If it were me, I would be inclined to make my plans and then try to accommodate her somewhat. It's really important to me to be WITH family, and even though my FOO is difficult in many ways, I seek out opportunities to do so.

 

My stance would be warm but firm. "We would love to see you, and we are happy to have you join us for a great deal of the drive. We cannot welcome your dog, though, so you will have to figure out other arrangements for her. Also, please realize that since we have children in tow, we are going to need to make more frequent stops, listen to silly music cheerfully, and maintain a quiet environment in the car when they are sleeping. We will also probably be needing to go to bed earlier than we would otherwise do. I'm sure you understand!" and then I would tell her the route you plan to take and ask her where she would be able to join you. You be the judge of whether or not it is reasonable to make a detour. I would detour somewhat to see my sister, but not hours and hours with young children. And maybe the solution is something like you drive her down and she flies back alone.

[WTMCassandra]

Nope, you're not the unreasonable one. I vote for DH calling her back and saying, "I'm sorry, but this is not going to work for us." Then he needs to wait out the inevitable storm to follow and play broken record. She will ask him to say why, only to attack him for each reason, so don't explain! Just listen and make sympathetic noises, and repeat that it's not going to work. She is able-bodied and has her own car. She's a grownup and can figure out how to get there if she wants to. You do NOT have to take this on.

[NanceXToo]

You're not being unreasonable. She's being thoughtless.

 

It's already a very long ride. I would not want to add ANY more time to it than need be... and you're right that everything takes longer with kids as it is. You should not have to squeeze another person (and her dog?!) into your vehicle, take that person (and her dog?!) to YOUR mother's house- your mother who has limited space, cats, and limited time with YOU), have that person sharing YOUR hotel room with your spouse and children, infringing on your carefully laid vacation plans, OR giving you an attitude.

 

Especially when your husband isn't any more interested in said plan than you are.

 

Heck no!

 

Stay firm. :) Write an email, it's easier. "I'm sorry. It's just not feasible for us at this time for many reasons to change our plans to the extent you are asking. We're on a strict time line with the needs of three kids to worry about, we have limited room in our vehicle, we cannot invite somebody else, especially somebody with a dog, to my mother's small house full of cats, and we do not want to try to squeeze somebody else into a hotel room with us, etc. I'm sorry this upsets you, but (dh) and I are in agreement that we need to stick to our original plans this time around. I'm sure you understand. Hopefully we'll see you in the summer. Talk to you later."

 

End of story!

[ShutterBug]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all :)

 

I also should say that as I was reading this and based on your description, I was assuming your SIL was in her early twenties. I was floored when you said she's actually 44.

[mommaduck]

No, you are not unreasonable. I would be VERY straight with her. No, you don't like dogs enough to be cramped up with one for several hours on the ride. You would like to spend time with your mother, without her. She's a grown up woman that is fully capable of caring for herself, paying for her own gas, and making her own time to spend with her mother, friends, whatever...she doesn't need to bum off of her brother who has a family to care for and is trying to make this a nice vacation for himself, his wife, and his kids. The answer is no and, if she really wants to go, she'll find a way to make it happen on her own.

 

sorry, I grew tired of family nonsense years ago.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Nope, you're not the unreasonable one. I vote for DH calling her back and saying, "I'm sorry, but this is not going to work for us." Then he needs to wait out the inevitable storm to follow and play broken record. She will ask him to say why, only to attack him for each reason, so don't explain! Just listen and make sympathetic noises, and repeat that it's not going to work. She is able-bodied and has her own car. She's a grownup and can figure out how to get there if she wants to. You do NOT have to take this on.

 

:iagree: Remind yourself that she can't make you do this, as much as she rants and foams at the mouth. And she's already mad, so it's not like you're going to avoid making her mad.

[Mama Geek]

You are being unreasonable for having those feeling, but not for the reason that you think. ;) Your dh knows how you feel and agrees that it is not a good idea. Let him work it out with her. Don't take it personally. I have learned this over many years of some controlling family members on dh's side. They are his problem to deal with. It is hard to do, but once you really accept this, most of the stress goes away.

[FaithManor]

Dh would first say, "NO absolutely not!"

 

But, if this is not an option. Then I'd make it so she won't go. First off, no dog...end of discussion. You are already traveling with kids, dogs can get very riled up - even the nicest ones - under bizarre circumstances and end up either pottying all over everything or even worse, biting. So, NO DOG! That animal is not used to your family. Second, she would have to pay her own hotel room. We've had a lot of trouble finding motels that will allow both parents and four children. Most hotels have a cut-off of five in a room and we've never found one that will accomodate three adults and three children in one room. Also, since she is asking you meet her somewhere else, let her know that if she is more than 30 minutes late to the drop off point, you will be leaving without her. Tell her what your meal plans are and tell her she will have to provide her own meals and you won't be making any stops to accomodate anything different from your own schedule.

 

I'd put so many strings on the offer to take her that it would be pretty unlikely that she will and if she does, then I'd hold her to them to insure that she never asks again. We've BTDT with relatives when MIL still lived in Florida and we were in Michigan. Everyone and their brother thought it was no big deal to detour off the I-75 corridor for ridiculous amounts of time and mileage despite the fact that dh's vacation time from work is set in stone and quite unforgiving. We've driven through blinding snowstorms that were rather dangerous in order to get him home on time so he didn't get fired. No forgiveness at his job!

 

Faith

[WTMCassandra]

You're not being unreasonable. She's being thoughtless.

 

It's already a very long ride. I would not want to add ANY more time to it than need be... and you're right that everything takes longer with kids as it is. You should not have to squeeze another person (and her dog?!) into your vehicle, take that person (and her dog?!) to YOUR mother's house- your mother who has limited space, cats, and limited time with YOU), have that person sharing YOUR hotel room with your spouse and children, infringing on your carefully laid vacation plans, OR giving you an attitude.

 

Especially when your husband isn't any more interested in said plan than you are.

 

Heck no!

 

Stay firm. :) Write an email, it's easier. "I'm sorry. It's just not feasible for us at this time for many reasons to change our plans to the extent you are asking. We're on a strict time line with the needs of three kids to worry about, we have limited room in our vehicle, we cannot invite somebody else, especially somebody with a dog, to my mother's small house full of cats, and we do not want to try to squeeze somebody else into a hotel room with us, etc. I'm sorry this upsets you, but (dh) and I are in agreement that we need to stick to our original plans this time around. I'm sure you understand. Hopefully we'll see you in the summer. Talk to you later."

 

End of story!

 

I agree with much of this, although I strongly disagree about how much information should be in the email. The version above, IMHO, gives your SIL waaaaay too much ammunition--points to argue. I don't think you should give her ANY.

 

I strongly recommend sticking with: "I'm sorry. It's just not feasible for us at this time. I'm sure you understand. Hopefully we'll see you in the summer. Talk to you later."

[Scarlett]

The entire notion is insane! Tell her to board her stupid dog and fly to see her mother.

 

I absolutely would NOT do this. For a myriad for reasons...one of the main ones that pops out at me is you only getting to see your mom for 10 hours and you don't want to share her. Also, your SIL is being VERY presumptous to invite herself along to your mother's home WITH A DOG!!!

 

(Wow. Me thinks Scarlett should NOT post after a long night of cleaning up vomit and getting no sleep)

Edited November 2, 2010 by Scarlett
to add the word NOT

[waa510]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all :)

 

I also should say that as I was reading this and based on your description, I was assuming your SIL was in her early twenties. I was floored when you said she's actually 44.

 

 

Exactly!!! 44?! Really?! She sounds like quite a selfish person, to be honest. I would absolutely not change my plans!! I think it would make your vacation unpleasant, which isn't a vacation!! Oh, and not all early twenties' act like that, don't judge!! ;)

[MariannNOVA]

I absolutely would NOT do this.

 

(Wow. Me thinks Scarlett should post after a long night of cleaning up vomit and getting no sleep)

 

Scarlett - THAT was funny!:D Hope your ds is feeling better.

 

And to quote WTMCassandra: Nope, you're not the unreasonable one. I vote for DH calling her back and saying, "I'm sorry, but this is not going to work for us."

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: And after dh says that, he should say (b4 she can begin going ballistic: 'I'm hanging up now.' And, he should. And the two of you should act as if this whole ridiculous thing never happened. And enjoy your well-earned vacation.:auto:

[dirty ethel rackham]

"I'm sorry. That won't work for us." Rinse and repeat. I would absolutely not drive her because, from what you are describing, even if she agrees to make alternate plans for the dog, betcha a coke that she brings the dog anyway.

[amey311]

 

Really, am I being selfish??? DH agrees that his sister has no idea of what traveling, and planning for travels, with small kids is like. She has lived her 44 yrs traveling from place to place, picking up at a moment's notice and doing whatever she pleases, and has no consideration of anyone else. NO, it's always the rest of us that are unyielding. But...DH hates to have strife in the family. And truthfully, so do I . I hate it that I am being put into this position - doing what's right for ME and MY family, or making SIL happy and then being totally stressed and resentful.

 

Please, am I being unreasonable for having these feelings? I'm starting to really just dread the whole trip and want to cancel!

 

You both hate having strife in the family, but allowing your SIL to join your trip OR NOT, is going to cause strife. You're going to have to acknowledge that and maybe look at it in quantity terms:

 

If you take SIL who will be annoyed/inconvenienced/in strife? You, DH, your 3 children, your mom - 6 people

 

If you don't take SIL, who will be annoyed/inconvenienced/in strife? SIL. - one person, and maybe your MIL (will she be upset that you don't take SIL? Will she hold a grudge?), so still - 2 people versus 6.

 

If you're my FIL's shrew, and don't count the children as full people (for real - she actually said this), you're still at 4.5 people versus 2.

 

Another thing to consider is how on time SIL is known to be? If you decide to pick her up in KY, what are you going to do if she's late? How long will you wait for her?

 

Consider carefully if you want to offer her restrictions (no dog, she has to get her own hotel room along the way, whatever). You'll need to have a plan in place for what you'll do if she doesn't meet them. If she says she'll leave the dog behind and you meet her in KY and she has the dog, will you leave her? If you get to the overnight stay and she hasn't made reservations, will you let her stay with you anyway? There's no point in having restrictions if you know there's a healthy chance she'll agree but then ignore the terms and you know you won't be able to follow thru with the consequences.

 

Good luck! I don't envy you.

[Garga]

44?! I was picturing 22.

 

Stick to your guns. No stowaways allowed on your trip.

[WTMCassandra]

"I'm sorry. That won't work for us." Rinse and repeat. I would absolutely not drive her because, from what you are describing, even if she agrees to make alternate plans for the dog, betcha a coke that she brings the dog anyway.

 

:iagree:

[lynn]

"I'm sorry. That won't work for us." Rinse and repeat. I would absolutely not drive her because, from what you are describing, even if she agrees to make alternate plans for the dog, betcha a coke that she brings the dog anyway.

 

 

:iagree: Oh and I have a similar sil who has no clue regarding traveling with kids and insists on traveling every where she goes with "the boys" aka her overgrown, scarey kitty cats.

[nono]

1. Don't be afraid of traveling long distance with the kids to WDW. It'll work out fine! It's a great, immediate family bonding experience.

 

2. Be very afraid of traveling any distance with your SIL! It'll ruin the whole trip, not just the portion while she's actually with you.

 

Good luck!

 

Oh and :grouphug:.

Edited November 2, 2010 by nono

[JoJosMom]

Just say no. No she can't ride with you at all anywhere. If she doesn't want to drive you could helpfully email her the link to the Amtrak site but under no circumstances should you let her in your car. She is 44 yo, she can take care of herself.

 

You already have strife. She caused it. You won't make it go away by giving in to her.

 

Email, say "I am sorry. It isn't possible for you to join us on this trip." Do not answer anymore emails on this topic from her, just don't.

 

Do not give her reasons, that is like giving her permission to argue about the reasons. Refuse to discuss it anymore. Hey, if you have to be the bad guy then so be it. You are protecting your whole family from a ridiculous and toxic situation. Just say no!

 

:iagree:

[DesertDweller]

She's the one being unreasonable. It's your vacation. She should only request to ride along if she can do so without inconveniencing you. If I were asking and thought I would be causing people to change their plans, I would withdrawl the request.

 

That said, the dog would be a deal breaker for me. I might consider accomodating her if it wasn't too much extra time or too out of the way. I wouldn't even consider it if she insisted on the dog. I don't take my pets when going on long trips. I certainly wouldn't take anyone elses. She is rude for insisting that you should.

[WTMCassandra]

Just say no. No she can't ride with you at all anywhere. If she doesn't want to drive you could helpfully email her the link to the Amtrak site but under no circumstances should you let her in your car. She is 44 yo, she can take care of herself.

 

You already have strife. She caused it. You won't make it go away by giving in to her.

 

Email, say "I am sorry. It isn't possible for you to join us on this trip." Do not answer anymore emails on this topic from her, just don't.

 

Do not give her reasons, that is like giving her permission to argue about the reasons. Refuse to discuss it anymore. Hey, if you have to be the bad guy then so be it. You are protecting your whole family from a ridiculous and toxic situation. Just say no!

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[aggieamy]

Maybe this is not tactful but I think the SIL is a bit nuts. I've been on cross country trips with kids before and a person would have to be crazy to volunteer to do that with someone elses kids! Maybe you should let her come this time so you'd never have to worry about her trying to invite herself along next time. ;) Put her in the seat that the two year old has just dumped a whole bottle of apple juice on and between the two kids that like to argue continuously. Then turn on that DVD that your kids all love but makes an adult wish for death rather than have to finish. (If you need to borrow a DVD like that let me know, I've got a few leftover from when the girls were younger!) You won't have to worry about finishing the trip with her because she'll abandon you at the first stop you have to make to go potty.

 

:D

Edited November 2, 2010 by aggieamy

[mommaduck]

Maybe this is not tactful but I think the SIL is a bit nuts. I've been on cross country trips with kids before and a person would have to be crazy to volunteer to do that with someone elses kids! Maybe you should let her come this time so you'd never have to worry about her trying to invite herself along next time. ;) Put her in the seat that the two year old has just dumped a whole bottle of apple juice and between the two kids that like to argue continuously. Then turn on that DVD that your kids all love but makes an adult wish for death rather than have to finish. (If you need to borrow a DVD like that let me know, I've got a few leftover from when the girls were younger!) You won't have to worry about finishing the trip with because she'll abandon you at the first stop you have to make to go potty.

 

:D

:lol::auto:

[Mejane]

"I'm sorry. That won't work for us." Rinse and repeat.

 

:iagree:

 

If she persists, tell her you'll pick her up at exit X off I-whatever at noon on ____day and then don't show up. (Just kidding!!)

[Garga]

Maybe this is not tactful but I think the SIL is a bit nuts. I've been on cross country trips with kids before and a person would have to be crazy to volunteer to do that with someone elses kids! Maybe you should let her come this time so you'd never have to worry about her trying to invite herself along next time. ;) Put her in the seat that the two year old has just dumped a whole bottle of apple juice on and between the two kids that like to argue continuously. Then turn on that DVD that your kids all love but makes an adult wish for death rather than have to finish. (If you need to borrow a DVD like that let me know, I've got a few leftover from when the girls were younger!) You won't have to worry about finishing the trip with her because she'll abandon you at the first stop you have to make to go potty.

 

:D

 

You know, I was thinking the same thing. I was thinking, How about letting SIL come along and then TOTALLY do NOT accommodate her, but rather make her deal with all the hassles of traveling with small kids. Take the time to stop at a billion rest stops. Make everyone listen to the same kid tapes/cd's over and over again. Make her play 20 questions until her brain oozes out.

 

You can either say, "No." Or else say "Yes", but make sure it's miserable for her: it wouldn't be that hard in the car with tiny kids for days on end.

 

Then if she complains say, "I told you so."

[Harriet Vane]

SHE is the unreasonable one, not you. Stand your ground. Do NOT give in. Your time with your mother is precious, and you do not have to accommodate either a fully grown, capable adult OR her dog just because that's what she's decided to do. Ugh.

[kitten18]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all :)

 

I also should say that as I was reading this and based on your description, I was assuming your SIL was in her early twenties. I was floored when you said she's actually 44.

 

:lol: Exactly, I was picturing a 20 year old college student, not a 44 year old woman.

[Corraleno]

The entire notion is insane! Tell her to board her stupid dog and fly to see her mother.

I absolutely would NOT do this. For a myriad for reasons...one of the main ones that pops out at me is you only getting to see your mom for 10 hours and you don't want to share her. Also, your SIL is being VERY presumptous to invite herself along to your mother's home WITH A DOG!!!

Exactly!!! 44?! Really?! She sounds like quite a selfish person, to be honest. I would absolutely not change my plans!! I think it would make your vacation unpleasant, which isn't a vacation!!

You already have strife. She caused it. You won't make it go away by giving in to her.

:iagree:

People like your SIL totally take advantage of those who "don't like conflict," knowing that others will let them get away with behaving like a spoiled brat rather than "cause trouble." Your family are not the ones causing trouble — she's being rude, childish, and unreasonable, and you have every right to prevent her from ruining your vacation!

 

Jackie

[Mom in High Heels]

Wow, she's got cahones. Big ones. I'd tell her there's just not room and she can like it or lump it.

[elfgivas]

it sounds like you need just your family in the car with you.

 

your dh needs to say "sorry, that just won't work." (i wouldn't even add in the "for us", because it wouldn't work for any of you by the sounds of things).

 

just fwiw, contrary to other posters, i get that a grown adult would think it more sensible to drive one car rather than two all that distance, and that she would rather not travel alone. the rest, well, thumper's rule....

 

good luck!

ann

[Jean in Newcastle]

just fwiw, contrary to other posters, i get that a grown adult would think it more sensible to drive one car rather than two all that distance, and that she would rather not travel alone. the rest, well, thumper's rule....

 

 

I would agree with this if you lived in the same town and were both going to see family in the same place but that isn't the situation here.

[RanchGirl]

You are being unreasonable for having those feeling, but not for the reason that you think. ;) Your dh knows how you feel and agrees that it is not a good idea. Let him work it out with her. Don't take it personally. I have learned this over many years of some controlling family members on dh's side. They are his problem to deal with. It is hard to do, but once you really accept this, most of the stress goes away.

 

:iagree: Assuming he is not going to cave and let her control your family's trip, let him deal with his unreasonable sister. I love my dog, but no way would I suggest that someone come out of their way so my dog and I can ride in their car with them for 7 hours each way. That's beyond over the top.

 

After he has told her no, you can shoot an email off later that says "Happy Thanksgiving, looking forward to seeing you next summer!". Some in-laws always make the other spouse out to be the bad guy, you can't control that but you can control your reaction to this lunacy.

Edited November 2, 2010 by RanchGirl
just had more to say! :)

[Wheres Toto]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. With a dog in the car you are going to have to make even more stops than you will with children. What if your kids finally doze off and give you a few moments of peace and the dog starts yapping because he needs to go? That would drive me insane (and we regularly travel to MIL with our dog but it's only 3 hours). Is she even offering to reimburse you anything for gas, hotels, food?

 

The ONLY way I would even consider this - No dog, she gets a hotel room instead of staying with your mom so you still have the time to spend with her, she gets her own hotel room when you stop on the way, she eats where and when you want to and buys her own meals and she figures out a way to get home without taking you out of your way.

 

I agree with a PP that the dog could actually be a real problem if he's not used to little children in an enclosed place. Spraying your luggage, jumping around, biting someone - these are chances I just wouldn't be willing to take. I also agree that it is going to be very hard to find a hotel that will accomadate a dog.

 

The Amtrak auto train leaves from right outside DC and goes to just North of Orlando. I'd send her the link.

[GWOB]

You have three children. You do not need to take care of another overgrown child. Period.

[Rosie_0801]

Really, am I being selfish???

 

Please, am I being unreasonable for having these feelings?

 

 

 

Hon, you already know the answer to this. And besides, your SIL can't hear what goes on inside your head, so you can think anything you like in there ;) And if you take the phone off the hook, you won't have to hear what's going on in hers. ;);)

 

I'm starting to really just dread the whole trip and want to cancel!

 

If you choose to do that, you'd better not tell us or we'll all go Remudamom on you.

 

 

Rosie

[Remudamom]

Go ahead with your plans and don't look back.

[Murphy101]

She is nuts.

Heck no to making any of that even a part of discussion.

The end.

 

The only thing nuttier would be actually taking her.

[journeytolily]

Thank you all for your responses! I feel quite inspired now to stand up for myself - but I WILL let DH handle his sister. I believe he will stay strong!

 

Some of you mentioned SIL's immaturity. Many people joke that Jill is a "female Peter Pan"! But whatever her maturity level, she seems to love to have everyone dancing to her tune, and this certainly isn't the first time she has pushed us around - insisting we change our travel plans for her, bringing the dog in the house after we specifically told her he would have to stay outside in the fenced yard, etc.

 

Someone posted about having her be taught a lesson by traveling with the kids. Seems like a good idea, but unfortunately, she would probably LOVE it - she enjoys getting them WILD, which she does everytime she visits our home. After suffering with screaming and crazed children for however long, my DH and I have to spend several days "retraining" them to act like normal human beings!

 

Oh, and my MIL most likely won't be bothered by our choice to not let Jill ride with us. I think she will understand our reasoning, and even if she is slightly upset over it, she won't hold a grudge. So, no SIL! Relief!

 

Veronica

[Jennifer3141]

I have 4 cats. We have a dog but our cats are used to her. If someone showed up with a dog, that dog would make my cats pee everywhere and I would not be a happy camper. If I were your mother, my response to all of this would be, "Heck no!!"

 

This plan isn't going to work. Tell your DH to handle it with your SIL.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Thank you all for your responses! I feel quite inspired now to stand up for myself - but I WILL let DH handle his sister. I believe he will stay strong!

 

Some of you mentioned SIL's immaturity. Many people joke that Jill is a "female Peter Pan"! But whatever her maturity level, she seems to love to have everyone dancing to her tune, and this certainly isn't the first time she has pushed us around - insisting we change our travel plans for her, bringing the dog in the house after we specifically told her he would have to stay outside in the fenced yard, etc.

 

Someone posted about having her be taught a lesson by traveling with the kids. Seems like a good idea, but unfortunately, she would probably LOVE it - she enjoys getting them WILD, which she does everytime she visits our home. After suffering with screaming and crazed children for however long, my DH and I have to spend several days "retraining" them to act like normal human beings!

 

Oh, and my MIL most likely won't be bothered by our choice to not let Jill ride with us. I think she will understand our reasoning, and even if she is slightly upset over it, she won't hold a grudge. So, no SIL! Relief!

 

Veronica

 

Go Veronica! Great plan.

[Hedgehog]

You know, I love my dog, but there's no way I'd take her to someone else's home/car/backyard/whatever unless they voluntarily offered for me to bring her. The whole thing sounds rather selfish to me.

 

Heck, your SIL is 44yrs old - well capable of independently getting herself from one place to another and old enough to realise that it's not polite to invite yourself into someone else's arrangements!

 

I feel quite inspired now to stand up for myself - but I WILL let DH handle his sister. I believe he will stay strong!

 

Excellent. And I agree with a PP.. the less reasons the better, as there's less to argue with. "Sorry, it's not going to work out." Rinse and repeat.

 

Oh - have a great holiday! :001_smile:

[journeytolily]

You know, I love my dog, but there's no way I'd take her to someone else's home/car/backyard/whatever unless they voluntarily offered for me to bring her. The whole thing sounds rather selfish to me.

 

Heck, your SIL is 44yrs old - well capable of independently getting herself from one place to another and old enough to realise that it's not polite to invite yourself into someone else's arrangements! :001_smile:

 

This is what I've been saying to DH all along! I was taught that it's just rude to bring a pet along without an invitation. Perhaps you could say something like "I'm not sure what I can do with him, I might have to postpone my trip if I can't make arrangements.." then the other person says it's okay to bring the pet, well, that's fine I think. But if it's obvious that the pet wouldn't be welcome, for whatever reason, you need to be considerate of that. When Jill came to visit us in SC, we told her that the dog would need to stay outside, since we had cats in the house. Well, she brought him in anyway "oh, I didn't know it was going to be so cold out,..." and all heck broke lose with the cats. Then, the next visit, she did pretty much the same thing. BTW, SIL even admitted that he likes to chase cats! It's just wrong.

 

And as far as inviting herself into our arrangements, well, she is family, so that's okay that she asked, I guess. But, as I told my DH, it was totally rude of her to not drop it when he first balked at the idea. I know that if someone ever seems hesitant with me, about anything, I back off immediately, and don't argue over why or why not. You don't push yourself on someone!! And then pile on the guilt - "well, all I want is for us to spend some time together, I thought that would be nice" with a tone. Like we'll have such great quality time together, fighting in the van!

 

I'm determined to not let my feelings about this ruin our trip (do you believe me as you read this? Ahh, nothing like pent-up anger, right?). She's NOT going with us, and that's that!

 

Veronica

[journeytolily]

If it were me, I would be inclined to make my plans and then try to accommodate her somewhat. It's really important to me to be WITH family, and even though my FOO is difficult in many ways, I seek out opportunities to do so.

 

My stance would be warm but firm. "We would love to see you, and we are happy to have you join us for a great deal of the drive. We cannot welcome your dog, though, so you will have to figure out other arrangements for her. Also, please realize that since we have children in tow, we are going to need to make more frequent stops, listen to silly music cheerfully, and maintain a quiet environment in the car when they are sleeping. We will also probably be needing to go to bed earlier than we would otherwise do. I'm sure you understand!" and then I would tell her the route you plan to take and ask her where she would be able to join you. You be the judge of whether or not it is reasonable to make a detour. I would detour somewhat to see my sister, but not hours and hours with young children. And maybe the solution is something like you drive her down and she flies back alone.

 

Carol, I do appreciate your sentiments, I really do. And if it wasn't for the dog, I might be tempted to just do it. But SIL is making it very clear that she "has to" bring the dog. Of course, then my mother would be ticked, since she would have to "share" us all with Jill. Sometimes, as important as I think extended family is, I feel like just moving overseas or something!

 

Veronica

[journeytolily]

 

just fwiw, contrary to other posters, i get that a grown adult would think it more sensible to drive one car rather than two all that distance, and that she would rather not travel alone. the rest, well, thumper's rule....

 

good luck!

ann

 

Ann, I can agree with you on this...except....she travels ALL OVER the world alone! She drives across the country to visit friends for a few days, she takes 2-5 yr teaching stints in far-off lands (Namibia, Taiwan, Vietnam). I do think that she is totally okay with traveling alone (I, OTOH, do NOT like to travel alone if I can help it). But, she loves to save a buck! She is truly one of the cheapest people I know!

 

Veronica

[WTMCassandra]

If you choose to do that, you'd better not tell us or we'll all go Remudamom on you.

 

Rosie

 

:lol::lol::lol:

:iagree: