Moms of teen daughters.... Please help!

[parias1126]

What would you do if your teen DD told you she's pregnant????? I'm 36! Grandma? Seriously? I'm still in shock. It hasn't "hit me" yet.

 

She was in her room on the bed crying. My 6 year old DS came to get me. I go in her room, shut the door, immediately hug her tight. She grabs on to me and holds me crying hysterically. She says, "I'm so sorry Mommy." I say, "your pregnant." she cries harder and says, "Yes. Please don't hate me!"

 

I held her for what seemed like forever, both crying. I told her I love her and she is an amazing daughter. I explained that this is just another obstacle life has thrown at us and the Lord will help us through like He has with anything else.

 

THAT was me being a supportive mom to my little girl whom I love very much, but THIS is me freaking out!

 

What an emotional morning.

[Wyndie]

:grouphug:

 

I don't know but I hope that if I'm ever in your situation, that I handle it as well as you did.

[Pam Wilhelm]

:grouphug: I was that girl.... and I never told anyone. The decisions I made all by myself were not good....... and I regret them. Just love her....and love her some more. You two will work through this. In the meantime, :grouphug:

[Michelle in AL]

I too think you responded perfectly.

 

:grouphug:

[novagirl]

I am not a mother of a teen yet but you are handling it so well. Just keep lovin' on that girl. :grouphug::grouphug:

[Melinda in VT]

Kudos to you for a great initial response to your daughter!

 

:grouphug: to both of you.

[5LittleMonkeys]

Oh my goodness...you handled that so well. She's lucky to have such a good mom.

 

I don't know what else to say except :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:.

[Ester Maria]

:grouphug:

 

As to the actual "what would you do" question... I wouldn't do anything. Her body, her life, ultimately her choice (esp. if it's an older teen we're talking about, I see that your daughter is 17).

I hope that, if I ever find myself in such a situation, I find strength to support my daughter in whatever she decides she wants to do next.

[BMW]

It's a very tender time. :grouphug:

 

My daughter was recently turned 20 this year when she and I had this similar moment, so, not as young.

 

I told her what I was told when I was 19 and pregnant. "The most important thing right now is to love this baby." And we hugged a lot and I made sure she had proper nutrition and a comfy place to rest each day.

 

And I would tell that to my now 18 year old dd... or my about to turn 16yodd.

 

:grouphug:

[Annie G]

Agreeing with Wyndie- you handled it beautifully. Freak out here all you need to- it's going to be a roller coaster year. But you've got a great daughter and you're a terrific mom- shown this morning when she needed your comfort and you gave it.

 

:grouphug:

[ma23peas]

Great job mom!!! Hugs all around!!! Only tell those that will support you and not 'spread the word'...she doesn't need all the attention right now..go to the 'father' and have a discussion....9 months goes by really fast....pray with her...love her....help her make the right decisions for this precious life! :) To put things in perspective, my grandmother married at 16, had my father a month before she turned 18...was married to my grandfather for 53 years and raised us all on love...her life has been a testament to love and hard work!

 

Tara

[Lizzie in Ma]

Agreeing with Wyndie- you handled it beautifully. Freak out here all you need to- it's going to be a roller coaster year. But you've got a great daughter and you're a terrific mom- shown this morning when she needed your comfort and you gave it.

 

:grouphug:

 

Bless you both, how blessed you are to have the relationship that you have. Vent here, worry here, cry here to your hearts content and carry on. :grouphug::grouphug:

[Starr]

:grouphug: Check old posts. You aren't alone in this situation! :grouphug:

[parias1126]

Great job mom!!! Hugs all around!!! Only tell those that will support you and not 'spread the word'...she doesn't need all the attention right now..go to the 'father' and have a discussion....9 months goes by really fast....pray with her...love her....help her make the right decisions for this precious life! :) To put things in perspective, my grandmother married at 16, had my father a month before she turned 18...was married to my grandfather for 53 years and raised us all on love...her life has been a testament to love and hard work!

 

Tara

 

I have talked to the father as well. He really is a good guy. He insists he will do everything in his power to make it work. He completely plans on sticking around and really is in love with my DD. I do think he is still in shock too though.

[Love2Smile]

:grouphug:

 

I don't know but I hope that if I'm ever in your situation, that I handle it as well as you did.

:iagree:

[fairfarmhand]

please vent any frustration, anger or negative feelings to a trusted person or on here. Your dd doesn't need to hear it.

 

I know this from personal experience. All I needed was support and love....anger,condemnation, sadness, blame...I was already heaping that on myself.

 

not that you have to tiptoe around your dd for months, but the extreme emotion she will not handle well. Wait till you are calm to discuss controversial things. I had about 5 years of a rocky relationship with my family because of the way certain family members treated me during this time. There are still some hard feelings from my dh to someone because of things that were said. Not that he dwells on them, but when he thinks about them, he really has to remember "70 times 7".

 

You will be ok, and so will she. She will learn so much about God's love and faithfulness in this time.

 

I was that girl, 13 years ago. And while I have scars, I'm ok now. And I've been happily married for 13 years next week with 3 more beautiful babies. Life will go on and this will simply turn into a bump in the road if it is handled correctly.

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Whereneverever]

I have talked to the father as well. He really is a good guy. He insists he will do everything in his power to make it work. He completely plans on sticking around and really is in love with my DD. I do think he is still in shock too though.

:grouphug: That's a good beginning.

I would get your DD in to the doctor and get her prenatal vitamins to start taking right away.

[bzymom]

She is lucky to have you, and clearly she knows that since she trusted you with her news. You handled it beautifully. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Gwenhwyfar]

:grouphug:

 

As to the actual "what would you do" question... I wouldn't do anything. Her body, her life, ultimately her choice (esp. if it's an older teen we're talking about, I see that your daughter is 17).

I hope that, if I ever find myself in such a situation, I find strength to support my daughter in whatever she decides she wants to do next.

 

:iagree:

[wendybird]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Parrothead]

If it were me, and if my dd was in pretty much the same circumstances your dd is in - 17, fairly stable relationship with a responsible young man who wishes to stay involved - I'd not do much but encourage both dd and her young man.

 

If they decide to marry, I'd be as supportive as I were able. If they decide not to marry, I'd be just as supportive.

 

A 17-year old pregnant daughter is not my worst nightmare.

 

Talk with her young man. While it may be a shock to him, he had to have know there was a chance. If you feel you can, let him know he can come talk to you. He may be facing a lot of pressure at home.

 

Mourn for the loss of the plans you had for your dd, get your feet back under you, then support, encourage, and the best grandma-to-be that ever was.

[Teachin'Mine]

You must have a good relationship with her that she was able to tell you - thank God! I think you did a beautiful job. Freak out here, and support her there. :)

 

I've no doubt that you'll both have challenges ahead, but that baby will be truly a blessing as well. :)

[regentrude]

My sister got pregnant her last year in high school. Of course my parents were shocked initially. But they have supported her. She had the added complication of having a preemie with cerebral palsy as a result, plus being a single mother.

My parents have supported her in her parenting, have encouraged her to complete her education. My sister finished college, went to medical school, became a doctor - her dream since she was little. My niece has grown up a lovely young woman and will soon graduate from high school. She is very close to her grandparents because they were very involved in her upbringing.

So, while nobody would have planned it this way, things turned out OK: a well adjusted child, a young teen mother who through family support could pursue her education and can now support her daughter and herself, and an experience that brought the family closer.

Granted, my sister had to give up a lot of things - she did not have any time for fun stuff besides child raising and school and never dated while she was raising her daughter. But now the my niece is an adult, my sister has a boyfriend for the first time since my niece's birth and has finally time to do things for herself.

So: initial shock is natural. But a baby is not the end of the world if the family is supportive.

btw, my sis was very scared to tell my parents - she asked her godmother, a close family friend, to be present when she told them.

[Barry Goldwater]

I have talked to the father as well. He really is a good guy. He insists he will do everything in his power to make it work. He completely plans on sticking around and really is in love with my DD. I do think he is still in shock too though.

 

This is promising...glad you recognize that that it's a shock for him, as he is part of this...do whatever you can to support their relationship, esp. marriage hopefully.

 

Sounds like you handled your reaction as well as possible...bless you.

[cin]

This may not be popular, but I'm going to say it anyway, and I really don't want to hi-jack the thread, or start a flame throwing contest.

 

 

Being as your daughter is still quite young (relatively speaking), and may have had college plans, etc. Do not rule out adoption.

 

I am saying this as one who has been blessed with 2 beautiful children, because a mother cared enough to give them up. Unfortunately, though, we had to travel to Vietnam and China to get these children. There are just not enough babies to go around over here. And yes, the Chinese mother cared for her baby. She placed DD on the steps of a government building, DANGEROUS in her country! And my older DD, her mother flat out saved her life by allowing us to adopt her.

 

And please understand, I am not saying that your daughter would not be a fit mother, I'm just tossing it out as an alternative.

 

Praying for you, your daughter, her boyfriend AND your g-baby

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

This may not be popular, but I'm going to say it anyway, and I really don't want to hi-jack the thread, or start a flame throwing contest.

 

 

Being as your daughter is still quite young (relatively speaking), and may have had college plans, etc. Do not rule out adoption.

 

I am saying this as one who has been blessed with 2 beautiful children, because a mother cared enough to give them up. Unfortunately, though, we had to travel to Vietnam and China to get these children. There are just not enough babies to go around over here. And yes, the Chinese mother cared for her baby. She placed DD on the steps of a government building, DANGEROUS in her country! And my older DD, her mother flat out saved her life by allowing us to adopt her.

 

And please understand, I am not saying that your daughter would not be a fit mother, I'm just tossing it out as an alternative.

 

Praying for you, your daughter, her boyfriend AND your g-baby

 

I find this post to be quite shocking.

 

If she were married, no one would say she should consider giving up her baby. If she were two or three years older, she would be the same age as most of us when our first babies were born.

 

"There are just not enough babies to go around over here." :001_huh:

 

It is her baby.

[Pink Fairy]

I don't find it shocking at all. :confused: I think adoption is a great option in a case like this. She's NOT married, she's only 17, and she didn't intend to become pregnant. Cin never said or implied that it's not her baby.

[mom2denj]

:iagree:

Kudos to you for a great initial response to your daughter!

 

:grouphug: to both of you.

[Perry]

I don't find it shocking at all. :confused: I think adoption is a great option in a case like this. She's NOT married, she's only 17, and she didn't intend to become pregnant. Cin never said or implied that it's not her baby.

:iagree:

Edited September 9, 2010 by Perry

[1bassoon]

I don't find it shocking at all. :confused: I think adoption is a great option in a case like this. She's NOT married, she's only 17, and she didn't intend to become pregnant. Cin never said or implied that it's not her baby.

 

:iagree: Absolutely.

 

Why are we so reluctant to encourage girls that adoption is another alternative?

 

A hard alternative. But an alternative.

[Journey]

Oh my gosh, if I weren't at work I would be balling. You handled the situation so wonderfully and I thank you for that. I have two daughters and I would have done the exact same thing. They made a mistake. It's not the end of the world. My youngest (16) wouldn't be here right now if I didn't have understanding parents (I wasn't a teenager but I was unmarried so it's not too, too much different if you ask me). I am so grateful that my mom and dad didn't shut me out or make me feel like some kind of tramp or worse. Love your daughter and love your new baby, but I don't need to tell you that, you're going to do that already.

[unsinkable]

:iagree: Absolutely.

 

Why are we so reluctant to encourage girls that adoption is another alternative?

 

A hard alternative. But an alternative.

 

Because this board has moms who got pregnant & married at a young age and then they write about it...about how it all turned out just fine.

 

It is a hard atmosphere here to talk about adoption. I can't recall a mom on this WTM board who has written about giving a baby up for adoption (not that I think she has to) and then written how it has all turned out just fine.

[cin]

I don't find it shocking at all. :confused: I think adoption is a great option in a case like this. She's NOT married, she's only 17, and she didn't intend to become pregnant. Cin never said or implied that it's not her baby.

 

 

I meant it with kindness. And when I say not enough babies to go around over here, well, that might not have been the right choice of words. There are many teenagers, even as young as 12 & 13 who are having babies and trying to raise them. And it's being glorified on TV with 'reality' shows about teen-age moms.

 

I'm not saying that the OP's daughter could NOT raise a child well. And I'm not saying that adoption is the right answer for her. It's an option. And there are thousands of couples in the US who would LOVE to have the opportunity to have a baby, but can't. From one who could not have a houseful of kids, AND as one who was adopted, I always point to adoption as an option. My birthmother made a loving choice, and my childrens' birthmothers made loving choices.

[unsinkable]

I meant it with kindness. And when I say not enough babies to go around over here, well, that might not have been the right choice of words. There are many teenagers, even as young as 12 & 13 who are having babies and trying to raise them. And it's being glorified on TV with 'reality' shows about teen-age moms.

 

I'm not saying that the OP's daughter could NOT raise a child well. And I'm not saying that adoption is the right answer for her. It's an option. And there are thousands of couples in the US who would LOVE to have the opportunity to have a baby, but can't. From one who could not have a houseful of kids, AND as one who was adopted, I always point to adoption as an option. My birthmother made a loving choice, and my childrens' birthmothers made loving choices.

 

:grouphug:

 

lots of love to you, cin

[Lolly]

:iagree: Absolutely.

 

Why are we so reluctant to encourage girls that adoption is another alternative?

 

A hard alternative. But an alternative.

 

I think because we have heard so much about how traumatic putting a baby up for adoption is on the birthmother. No matter the reason behind giving the baby up, the stories are usually indicative that the birthmother never truly recovers from relinquishing her rights. (Even if they know it is in the baby's best interest.) For most of the people on this board, they seem willing to support their children who are in this position. The baby is not going to be in a position of danger or neglect. Though the teenager may face some struggles in their life as a young parent, the struggles are envisioned as less than the trauma of giving their baby away would be. Also, as a grandmother, I would want to know my grandbaby. I assume most of the people here feel the same. I would make sure that my dc did not lose an opportunity for continuing their education if they so desired. In today's world, the stigma for being a teenaged parent has been greatly reduced. It is not the same as in the days when a girl's future was seen as being ruined by being a teenaged mother. This is coming from someone who tried desperately to adopt before finally conceiving. I know what is meant by "their aren't enough babies out there". I must admit, that my research into adoption has somewhat lead me away from it as a good solution for any of my dc who might happen into this same predicament. It would be their decision; but if asked my opinion, I would advise against it and offer myself as a potential adoptive parent for the baby if that is their final decision.

[Mrs Mungo]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[SkateLeft]

You handled it beautifully. I was young and unmarried when I got pregnant with my oldest, and my parents were amazingly supportive, which made all the difference in the world.

 

I can't imagine life now without my oldest daughter. She's been a tremendous blessing.

[Mrs Mungo]

I find this post to be quite shocking.

 

If she were married, no one would say she should consider giving up her baby. If she were two or three years older, she would be the same age as most of us when our first babies were born.

 

"There are just not enough babies to go around over here." :001_huh:

 

It is her baby.

 

Why is it shocking? Especially coming from a woman who was adopted and has adopted children of her own? Cin didn't say it was the only option, she just pointed to it as another option.

[lllll]

..

[southcarolinamom]

Hugs to you, many hugs and prayers. :grouphug:

[NanceXToo]

I was 17 when I got pregnant with my daughter. 18 when I had her. SHE'S now 18... it wasn't always easy, having a child so young. But neither was it the end of the world.

 

Give her a little time to get used to the idea and to decide what SHE wants to do, and then let her know what ways you feel you can help or support her in that decision, and then just go with the flow. Everything will turn out okay. It did for me, anyway!

 

(And in my case, my mother's response was wanting me to have an abortion, and when I said no, she kicked me out of the house and told me if I was old enough to make a decision to have a baby, I was old enough to be on my own. It was tough there for a while! I ended up choosing to go into a group home for pregnant and parenting teens and I accomplished quite a bit while I was there, from a GED to a driver's license to starting my first year of a two year business college etc. Maybe you'll be a little more helpful to your daughter, but either way, she can manage if she decides she wants to have the baby. And if she doesn't, well, that's her choice, too)!

[Pamela H in Texas]

I was 17 when I got pregnant also. And my daughter is now 18 (this month).

 

I have to say that I am GLAD I *did* check into my options. It helped because my stepmom had experience with the option. Additionally, a couple from school also placed their child.

 

I honestly believe that adoption really is an option and one that SHOULD be looked into and considered. There are so many options for openness these days also. However, it is a choice to make it work out if she keeps the child also.

 

Anyway, so I suggest considering the options. And supporting HER decisions.

 

ETA (similar to above poster): I finished out my jr year living at my father's house. The day school let out, I moved in with my mother and stepfather. All four parents were supportive for the most part. My stepmom helped a lot in terms of choices. I worked full time. I stayed at my mother's until K was 5months old. I moved into my own apartment at that point. A few months later I graduated high school. I started college the following fall. Anything is possible.

 

ETA2: btw, my mother turned 36 the month before my daughter was born.

Edited September 9, 2010 by 2J5M9K

[Audrey]

I don't find it shocking at all. :confused: I think adoption is a great option in a case like this. She's NOT married, she's only 17, and she didn't intend to become pregnant. Cin never said or implied that it's not her baby.

 

 

:iagree: Absolutely. The girl should know about her options.

Edited September 9, 2010 by Audrey

[NanceXToo]

I agree, adoption is definitely an option and not "shocking" to mention. It is not an option that should be PUSHED on her... but then again NONE of the options should be PUSHED on her.

 

She should be aware of what her options are. They are:

 

1. Keeping and raising the baby.

2. Aborting the pregnancy.

3. Placing the baby for adoption.

 

Regardless of what anyone else's personal feelings are on any of those options, they ARE all her options, and she's got to be able to choose which one she wants. She should have someone she can talk them out with if she wants to, she should know what type of support her family will or won't provide in each of those cases, and she should have some time to think about it... right now she's probably in shock herself and the hormones? Sheesh.

 

Once she makes a decision and starts imagining and planning for the outcome in her own head, and knows what sort of support she's going to have, it's all going to get easier from there, and whichever way she goes, her life is not going to end, and someday none of this will seem as big a deal as it does today (coming from me 18 years after the fact of being in the same position lol).

[Ottakee]

In addition to finding a good, caring doctor that has experience with teen mothers, I would consider finding a good Christian crisis pregnancy center. Yes, they likely will explore the option of adoption but the ones in our area also offer counseling to both the mother and father and as a couple, parenting classes, information on services available (insurance, WIC, etc) along with resources such as diapers, cribs, car seats, maternity clothing, baby clothes, toys, etc.

 

Their goal is to support the mother (and father is possible) through the pregnancy and beyond--whether they chose to parent the child or place for adoption, etc.

 

As an adoptive mom of 3, I do feel that adoption is an option to explore over time but so is parenting. A good counselor/mentor can help your daughter, her boyfriend and the families work through these issues.

[Mimm]

My sister is 20 years old with a three year old. I love my nephew. But she struggles. She works two jobs (waiting tables at two different restaurants) and goes to school full time. She has so much on her plate, and is so exhausted... If it were my child, I would research adoption with them and try to gently push in that direction. It's such a hard thing, to give up a baby, so I would never want them to feel that that's the only choice I would support, but I would want them to seriously consider the option. My sister never considered it, never looked into it. I am her main support these days, and I do everything I can, but it breaks my heart that things are so hard for her.

[StartingOver]

My daughter was 19, not quite as young, but I had just given birth to my Emma. She found out she was pregnant 2 weeks later. It is hard, she is a single mom. But now going back to school, and working hard to give her son a good life !

 

Hang in there Grandma..... it will be ok ! I promise. There are many more of us out here than you realize ! Be her rock, she is going to need it !

[homeschoolally]

She is lucky to have you, and clearly she knows that since she trusted you with her news. You handled it beautifully. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

:iagree: That was my first thought as well. You must be a great mom if your daughter felt safe sharing it with you like that.

 

I think you'll be able to get great support here. :grouphug:

[Gretchen in NJ]

I think because we have heard so much about how traumatic putting a baby up for adoption is on the birthmother. No matter the reason behind giving the baby up, the stories are usually indicative that the birthmother never truly recovers from relinquishing her rights. (Even if they know it is in the baby's best interest.) For most of the people on this board, they seem willing to support their children who are in this position. The baby is not going to be in a position of danger or neglect. Though the teenager may face some struggles in their life as a young parent, the struggles are envisioned as less than the trauma of giving their baby away would be. Also, as a grandmother, I would want to know my grandbaby. I assume most of the people here feel the same. I would make sure that my dc did not lose an opportunity for continuing their education if they so desired. In today's world, the stigma for being a teenaged parent has been greatly reduced. It is not the same as in the days when a girl's future was seen as being ruined by being a teenaged mother. This is coming from someone who tried desperately to adopt before finally conceiving. I know what is meant by "their aren't enough babies out there". I must admit, that my research into adoption has somewhat lead me away from it as a good solution for any of my dc who might happen into this same predicament. It would be their decision; but if asked my opinion, I would advise against it and offer myself as a potential adoptive parent for the baby if that is their final decision.

Nicely stated, Lolly. I hope I have as much grace as the OP if this would to happen to one of my daughters. Good job, mom.:D

[TN Mama]

:grouphug:

 

I don't know but I hope that if I'm ever in your situation, that I handle it as well as you did.

 

:iagree: That would not have been how my Mom handled it. Nor was that how my Mom handled the news that I was expecting before dh & I were married (though engaged). What a lucky girl to have you as a Mom! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: