Would this offend you?

[Tiff in TX]

DD4 had her birthday party last Friday night and it started @ 6:30. It was a pool party at my parents house. We invited only close friends and family.

 

My cousin has a daughter who is 2 months younger than my DD and they live about 30 minutes away from my parents house. We see them about 8 times a year.

 

After sending out the invitation my cousins wife calls to tell me that they can't come because their DD has to be in bed by 8:30 and it would just be too late of a night.

 

This really upset my mom and she made the comment that if they didn't want to come they should have just said so. I was semi okay with it, because I have "weird" parenting rules that some people don't get.

 

Is anyone here that strict with bedtime? We make it a point to have DD in bed by 8:30, but she has certainly been out later, especially if it is something fun for her.

[dangermom]

At that age I was pretty strict about bedtime. My kids always got up at the crack of dawn no matter when they went to bed, so a late night always meant a cranky, tired child the next day.

[KS_]

At that age I was pretty strict about bedtime. My kids always got up at the crack of dawn no matter when they went to bed, so a late night always meant a cranky, tired child the next day.

 

I agree. . .when my kids were that age, I was much more strict about being out later in the evenings. I'd occasionally make an exception, but many times I'd pay for it over and over again the next day because my ds was completely out of sorts (not only from the later bedtime, but from the extra activity).

[regentrude]

At age 4, my kids would not have been able to attend that late a party - they would have been asleep by 7. Not because I forced them to - but because they were up at the crack of dawn and utterly exhausted.

[BearWallowSchool]

It wouldn't offend me. I wouldn't have kept my child home, but she is the parent of that child and has a right to make decisions like that. I wouldn't let it affect my relationship with them, though.

[Murphy101]

We tend to be fairly strict about it most of the time.

We were much stricter about it for the older boys because they didn't have an older sibling's activities that would keep the family out on occasion.

But we are still stricter than anyone else I know about bedtimes.

Frankly, there is very little worth the temporary fun when I know it means a PITB behaving baby/toddler/preschoolers due to exhaustion. The price just isn't worth it most of the time.

 

I wouldn't be offended at all.

 

But I wouldn't have made excuses either unless you asked.

 

I just would have said we can't make it, but thanks for the invite and have a great time.

[ktgrok]

I think that was perfectly acceptable. They couldn't come, and explained why so that there would be no hurt feelings. I'm sure they figured everyone would understand that keeping a child up past their bedtime might have other reprucussions.

[Mimm]

I've always been pretty flexible about bedtime. You can always get more sleep later, why pass up the opportunity to do something fun. Obviously if the kid has been missing so much sleep lately that another late night would probably be miserable, then I'd pass on an invitation, but otherwise, I'd attend the party and maybe plan to leave by 9:30. The kid will crash in the car (being tired from swimming) in the car on the way home and can easily be carried to bed.

[asta]

Wow - I would have killed to have had a baby/kid who would go to sleep before 11 at night.

 

My kid would have been at the party.

 

 

a

[abbeyej]

It wouldn't bother me. I can be fairly flexible with bedtimes, but I know others who are deeply committed to their evening routine, especially with young children, and do everything they can to avoid disturbing that. It may be more unusual these days, but it's not shocking.

 

On the other hand, if I had a history with this family that caused me to think they would "use anything" to avoid my family's company and that they made up stories in order to do that and such, maybe I'd be suspicious. But then, why would I want them to come anyway?! ;)

[kalanamak]

A 4 year old can become cranky if overdue for sleep, or can also "carry on" trying to get to stay up late the next day.

 

I would take no offense.

[Carrie12345]

Eh. I *might* be offended, depending on the relationship. Because, while I've never been particularly strict about bedtimes (except when ds was in ps), I think I'd at least stop by for an hour if the person were important to me. That'd still give time to drive home, do a bedtime routine, and get tucked in my 8:30.

[Dobela]

I think that was perfectly acceptable. They couldn't come, and explained why so that there would be no hurt feelings. I'm sure they figured everyone would understand that keeping a child up past their bedtime might have other reprucussions.

If she hadn't been honest about why she wasn't coming, would you have been offended as well or wondered if she was shunning you for some reason? I say just move on. My kids have always had a later bedtime so my dh could spend more time with them after work so the time of the party would not have been an issue, but it is still late enough for my dd3 that I can imagine a small meltdown at some point because she is accustomed to more quiet activities at home during that time.

[dirty ethel rackham]

At age 4, it would have been a little late for us to attend a party that was not at Grandma's house (where they could just fall asleep somewhere.) At age 7 or 8, I would relax the bedtime a bit for special occasions. ETA: So, no, it wouldn't offend me ... unless the person declined in a huffy manner.

[Tiff in TX]

Thanks for the insight everyone.

 

I think there were other things that added to my mom's frustration. My cousin's wife puts off a bit of a sourpuss vibe around our extended family and I think that puts my mom on the defensive.

 

We were invited to their daughters birthday next Saturday and won't be able to attend because DD's best friends party is the same day. The cousins party is from 1-3 and my mom had to resist the urge to to decline the invitation with the reason that DD takes a nap during that time :lol: (which is true).

[Emmy]

I would be disappointed they couldn't make an exception but I wouldn't be offended. It really depends on the kid. My oldest 2 went to bed at 6:30 or 7 at that age. Seriously. So being out that late would have been totally out of the question for them.

[justamouse]

Well, there's two ways of looking at it.

 

1. why should we upset our schedule for people we only see a few times a year

 

2. We'll allow her to stay up because we only see them a few times a year

 

 

I wouldn't be upset, but I also wouldn't have sent my regrets. It all depends on the kid, though. Is she sure to melt down at 7pm and ruin the party, cry all the way home and make her parents swear they were never going to subject themselves to such a tyrant again?

 

Me? I'd give the kid a nap and go party.

[jenL]

It wouldn't bother me. I can be fairly flexible with bedtimes, but I know others who are deeply committed to their evening routine, especially with young children, and do everything they can to avoid disturbing that. It may be more unusual these days, but it's not shocking.

 

On the other hand, if I had a history with this family that caused me to think they would "use anything" to avoid my family's company and that they made up stories in order to do that and such, maybe I'd be suspicious. But then, why would I want them to come anyway?! ;)

 

:iagree:

[DarcyB]

Nope - we were pretty strident about bedtimes at that age, as well, because we knew our children, and knew that if we were out late, the fun the night before never made up for the kind of day we'd have from exhaustion. But that's us.

[Wheres Toto]

None of my kids have a particularly early bedtime. When my oldest was that age, her dad and I both worked full time so by the time dinner was done, etc. she wasn't getting to bed until pretty late. We never hesitated to go out to things that might keep her out later. She was always pretty adaptable though.

 

My younger kids go to bed around 9:30/10 and don't nap. We are not out late often but wouldn't hesitate to do something in the evening, especially if it was a special occasion. We'd probably just take it easy the next day so they could rest, even if they wouldn't nap.

 

I've known a lot of parents who were very strict about nap time and bed times and always made sure they were home so their kids could fall asleep in their own beds. I would hate being that tied to a strict schedule but kids are all different and I won't judge what works for someone else.

[Tess in the Burbs]

at age 4 I would have declined coming based on my kids bedtime, yes.

 

now we are more flexible, but I don't ever regret missing things b/c of early bedtime. My kids needed their sleep and weren't ones to sleep later. And honestly, even now if we are invited to a late event I really have to consider our next few days b/c I know that one night is going to bring a wealth of crankiness on me for days!!!

 

it's hard to be a parent without others criticizing. If you really wanted that one child there perhaps moving it up half an hour would have made it work for them?

[tearose]

I'm strict with naptime and bedtime. I know from past experience that if DS doesn't get enough sleep, he will have a meltdown and then be too wound up to fall asleep. My ILs are always trying to push the boundaries with sleeptime, so DH and I have learned that we can't give in at all; they complain that we make him sleep too much, but then they always tell us that we're so lucky that he's such a good and happy kid (gee, you think that might be related to being well rested?). I agree that it depends on the child--some just need a very regular schedule.

[Aubrey]

I've never been strict about bedtimes, but I have started declining things because the kids will be kept up too late. It's an issue of compounded things, in my case. *Everybody* wants something lately. I don't mind keeping my littles up late once a mo or so, but people don't realize it adds up to twice a week if I say yes to everything.

 

Also, w/ dh's family, there's an hr drive home. Sure they can sleep in the van, but transferring them from the van to bed is not smoothe.

 

There are four of them. One cranky kid out of four = more than one cranky kid by himself.

 

I wouldn't have understood most of the above before hitting the 3 kid point, though, I don't think. All of this is completely individual, too. I'd try to understand. :001_smile:

 

ETA: Sorry. I guess there was a lot that ended up being irrelevant. I didn't mean for it to be offensive.

Edited August 19, 2010 by Aubrey

[Tiff in TX]

Also, w/ dh's family, there's an hr drive home. Sure they can sleep in the van, but transferring them from the van to bed is not smoothe.

 

There are four of them. One cranky kid out of four = more than one cranky kid by himself.

 

The events themselves are often not conducive to children in the first place, much less tired, cranky children. Our presence usually seems irrelevant. That sounds snippy, but I don't mean it that way at all. I just have a hard time making a 2hr+ round trip so people can spend a total of 10 min oohing over how cute the kids are, snapping a couple of pics, & then moving on to adult conversation (that doesn't even incl me, lol). I don't mean to be selfish, but when there's at least one of these every mo, I get overwhelmed. Between the late bed time for them & the social interaction for me, it takes a good week to recover.

 

 

 

I don't think you sound snippy at all... but it did sound like you really needed to let that out and tell people :lol:

 

Did it make you feel better? I hope so. I always feel so much better when I let it be known what I really think of a situation that I have put on a fake smile for.:D

[Laurie4b]

I was always vaguely irritated by that type of thing because I'm not that structured. However, that's the crux of it: some people are very structured and really hold fast to those types of bedtimes. Other people have kids whose personality/neurological wiring dictates that. Free spirits like me have to accept that not everyone is like me. (And I'm sure those structured people couldn't believe the way we parented with regard to schedules!)

 

If your mom is assuming that it was a way to avoid saying no thank you, I think it would be helpful for you to let her know that there are, indeed, a number of people who parent that way. Sometimes it is absolute necessity based on the kid they have, but even if not, they are doing what they feel is right and the best thing for the kids is for family, etc. to accept that unless it amounts to abuse or neglect.

[fairfarmhand]

Wouldn't have bothered me....my 4 yr olds can be out of sorts for DAYS by staying out too late one night. You never know how important a certain routine is to a family since so many of them are different.

 

Perhaps they've been working on getting on a routine, and spending a late evening out would mess that up. I have a relative whose kid's routines get skewed quite easily, and it will take them weeks to get back to their wake/sleep routine when they mess with it. You just never know what people are going through.

 

I say give them the benefit of the doubt and take their reasons at face value.

[MorganClassicalPrep]

DD has never had a strict bedtime. She goes to bed when she's tired and wakes up when she is ready. However, she is also one of those kids who just doesn't need a schedule. If we need to be up earlier, she can easily switch up, and if we want to stay up later, she can also easily adjust.

 

But I know that many people have their children on a strict schedule for whatever reason, and so I wouldn't be offended. As long as it wasn't said in a huffy manner insinuating that my child should also be in bed at that time, we're good.

[ShutterBug]

We've always been pretty flexible with bedtime so no, I wouldn't personally have missed the party. However, we've also had the luxury of being able to be flexible with waking up times, so that plays a part in it too.

 

With that said, I also have friends/family who are strict with bedtimes and I can understand where their coming from.

 

So, no, I wouldn't have been offended at all :) .

[Guest janainaz]

My dh's brother would not allow his son to come to my ds5's (4 at the time) birthday party that was at 2:00 in the afternoon because it would interfere with his 'nap'. We don't live in the same state and I thought it was ridiculous that he could not reschedule the 'nap', or allow him to forgo it for one day. I gave BIL a piece of my mind because my ds was very upset that his cousin could not come.

 

I understand everyone has their different rules and that we are all different, but I have no understanding of not living a little in the name of fun. I find that structure and scheduling insane.

[Daisy]

At 3yo or 4yo, yes, I would have declined. It would have been too late for my kids. They were in bed at 7pm back then. They would have been moody and tired and would have ruined your party. I would have figured I was doing you a favor by keeping them at home.

[Lolly]

Just depends on which of my kids it was. Two of them would have been fine. Two of them would have been he!!. Some kids can handle a change of schedule, some cannot.

[katemary63]

It wouldn't offend me. I wouldn't have kept my child home, but she is the parent of that child and has a right to make decisions like that. I wouldn't let it affect my relationship with them, though.

 

:iagree: At age 4, we were the opposite of what some are saying. Who cares about bed time. There's nothing to get up for in the am. No, we were not that strict, but I have no problem with someone who is. It's their choice.

[Dinsfamily]

I wouldn't be offended. I am strict about bedtime (and my 4yos are in bed by 8). I make exceptions for special events, but the combo of late pool party plus 1 hr total of driving would probably make this type of thing a no-go for us.

 

I will also say that when I plan parties, I know there's no way to adhere to everyone's schedules and preferences. I try to catch as many of our friends while still being enjoyable to us. If someone can't make it, it isn't the end of the world.

 

ETA: We do travel an hour on the 4th of July to a family party each year. The boys stay up way too late just so we can see some fireworks, do some sparklers, and spend time with our extended family. There is a reason we can only do it once a year though. The end of the night meltdowns and the zombies we have the next day (bedtime doesn't affect wakeup time here) aren't fun, but it's worth it for us that one day of the year. We don't have any other family events that require a long drive (more than 15 mins) so it's easier to get the kids out and in bed at a reasonable time.

Edited August 19, 2010 by Dinsfamily

[DaffodilDreams]

No, I would not have been offended by it. I was one of those mothers when dd was that age and younger. She missed almost every one of her older cousins' parties because the parties always started at 7pm and were DINNER parties at a restaurant (her cousins are 2 and 4 yrs older than dd). :confused: So my answer was always, no, sorry she won't be able to participate because she's in bed at that time.

[sarawatsonim]

Wow - I would have killed to have had a baby/kid who would go to sleep before 11 at night.

 

My kid would have been at the party.

 

 

a

 

I'm with you there. My dd5 has always been a nightmare to get to bed any appropriate time. She has this overabundance of energy that can make her go all day. Regardless what time she rises or what time we put her to bed, she will sleep until 10-11 the next morning if we will let her. But I would have let her attend the party.

[unsinkable]

I usually don't care about bedtimes but to each his own. They could have tried to make an appearance, stay for an hour or so.

 

There was one time I declined b/c of bedtime:

 

We flew west for a wedding (3 hour difference). The evening we arrived, at 6 pm (9 pm our time), the MOTG, asked DH,(who is her brother) what time we were planning on leaving for the BBQ at the groom's house that started at 8 pm (11 pm our time) -- which was about 45 min. from the hotel we were at. This was the first we'd heard of it.

 

UH, what?

 

I said we couldn't take the kids out that late; they'd be too tired.

 

SIL's answer: "We're all tired."

 

I wish there was a mouth hanging open smiley. I couldn't believe she was comparing herself being tired to my jetlagged 3 children. I swear she acts dense like that to make me look bad.

 

My DH ended up going by himself. I stayed back and the kids slept like logs.

[Mejane]

I think I'd at least stop by for an hour if the person were important to me. That'd still give time to drive home, do a bedtime routine, and get tucked in my 8:30.

 

This. But I wouldn't be offended if someone chose not to come, either.

[Nestof3]

I've never been that strict about bedtimes. The boys could just sleep in or take a nap. But, no, I wouldn't be offended.

 

I was offended when my brother couldn't come to our huge homeschooling graduation/party for our eldest. My sister-in-law and family even flew in from Washington state for it. My brother wouldn't come because it was his daughter's first birthday, and they wanted to have two parties -- one for family and one for friends. The graduation would have interfered with the party with her friends (like one year olds have deep friendships).

 

We've never been strict with celebrating birthdays on exact days either. We try to be close, but we always try to make sure the date works for everyone, and the boys have been fine with that. A child doesn't remember their first birthday party, and he could have changed the date by a day or two. We couldn't change the date because we rented out a facility and had a catered lunch.

[emubird]

Wow - I would have killed to have had a baby/kid who would go to sleep before 11 at night.

 

My kid would have been at the party.

 

 

a

 

But I would have been home in bed. I would have let my husband take them and party all night long. Why bring them home when they're just going to be up til all hours anyway?

 

But I wouldn't have found the parent who decided not to come over the bedtime issue to be offensive. She knows what she can and can't handle. It's her call.

[Jean in Newcastle]

At that age, if I wasn't strict with bedtimes, my dd would have had multiple night terrors through the night. Honestly, I would be more offended by the feeling that I had to conform to certain family obligations or face huffy relatives.

[carolinagirl]

My kids probably would've been down and out for the count by 830 as well. We had a firm 7pm bedtime just because no matter what time they went to bed, they were up at 5-6am.

 

I think what she did was perfectly fine. We weren't rigid by any means but knowing my kids probably wouldn't have managed to stay awake, I probably would've blown off a bday party that late in the day as well.

[FriedClams]

My first thought when I started to read your scenario was, "Wow, starting a party for a just-turned four year old at 6:30 is really late." Then I read the rest. So no, I was not a slave to bedtime but I think it's too late and I would respect other's decisions to not attend.

[HLDoll]

My kids have always had a bedtime between 6:30 and 7:30 and have been wonderful nappers, which makes for pleasant children (people don't always see the correlation when they complain about inflexibility on our part). We make rare exceptions to our committment to have them in bed on time. Missing one nap, or getting in bed late can upset the littlest ones for at least a day or more. And they almost never sleep in after a late night; they're always up around 6 regardless. So at that age, I would have also declined. Our older two are 5 & 6 now, and we make more exceptions for them and take turns dividing and conquering, with one parent taking them for special, late outings and the other staying home with the 1 & 3 year old. I wouldn't be offended or judge anyone. And as one other person mentioned, that child being up past her bedtime might be very cranky and disruptive at the party, and they may be making their decision out of consideration to you. It sounds like they are trying to make the best decision for their family and they know what their child can handle.

[gemrae]

At that age I would have declined also. DD was always in bed by 6:30 to 7:30 and there was no way I'd deal with the consequences if that didn't happen. She was up a 6a.m. no matter what time she went to bed. Not worth it. I always felt that no one understood that but we missed out on quite a few evening events because of it. My family gradually began to get it. It got easier with time to stay firm. It's just how things were. I definitely wouldn't get offended if someone declined because of bedtime.

[NanceXToo]

No, I would understand, and it would not offend me.

[silliness7]

My sister has her 4 kids in bed by 7:30. Her oldest is 7. She is incredibly strict about it. She says they have tried to push bedtime back but really "pay" for it the next day...especially with the 7yo. She knows she seems weird to other family and friends but she's not willing to have a little fun on Friday night only to pay for it all day Saturday. I don't blame her.

 

Be an advocate for your cousin and tell your mom to chill. :001_smile:

 

ETA: I'm just reading through the replies and realize my comprehension skills aren't what they should be. I thought the child in question was 8 years old. A 4 year old? I don't think that is in any way unusual to be strict with a 4yo bedtime. I'm surprised your mom doesn't think so. Maybe she has amnesia.

Edited August 19, 2010 by silliness7

[Abigail4476]

She was polite and made the call to decline, and even gave her explanation. It's a perfectly valid reason--some people are just sticklers when it comes to their schedule.

 

Technically, it's okay to politely decline an invitation--for any reason. ;)