Why is it so hard for parents to spend time with their kids?

[Mom in High Heels]

I have many friends (actually the majority) who send their kids to ps. That's their choice. I personally think it's the wrong one because the majority of them stay at home (we live on a military base in Germany and jobs are hard to find) and I feel that if you're going to stay at home, why not stay home with your kids, but it's their choice, so whatever. What I find almost inconceivable though is how many of them scoff at the idea of homeschooling because they couldn't spend that much time with their kids. Today I was outside talking to a friend (our kids were playing together) and she introduced me to several other moms I'd never met before. Of course it was asked what grade Indy was in and who is teacher was and blah, blah, blah. My friend said I homeschooled and of course there was the usual round of "OMG, I could never spend that much time with my kids," "I don't know how you do it" "I'd go crazy if I didn't get to send them to school all day" etc. WHY? Why is this what almost every non-hsing mom says? I didn't have Indy so I could send him away 8-10 hours a day. Now don't get me wrong, I am in no way shape or form the perfect mom and if he's finished with his school work (or it's a weekend) I'll gladly send him outside for as many hours as he's willing to stay out there so I can get some peace and quiet. Believe me, I need it because the kid never, ever stops talking (even in his sleep), but I wouldn't send him to ps just to get some time to myself. There have been days when I thought how much easier my life would be (and how much cleaner my house would be) if I had several hours alone every day, but that's not what's best for him. Why is it so difficult for parents to spend time with their kids?

[Emilylou]

This is a great question. I also am in no way a perfect mom or homeschooling mom. many days my kids drive me crazy. :)

but this time of year all I hear from most of my stay at home mom friends is how they are dreading summer vacation because their kids will be home all day and they don't know what to do with them! I don't get it???

[Melinda in VT]

Well, I speak as a parent who sends my kids to public school, so you may not give much weight to my words. ;)

 

However, I think a lot of it has to do with routine. Most ps families don't have a routine for when school is not in session. Without routine, things tend to get a little crazy. School provides the routine, so of course life runs more smoothly when school is in session.

 

Often homeschooling families aren't that much different. Come August, the board will be full of posts about how moms (and dads) can't wait to get back to the routine of school because the kids are driving them CRAZY.

 

Talking about what your daily life is like may help them see how good homeschooling could be.

[Carrie12345]

When ds was in school, he was with me (and dh, and his siblings) from 4pm to 8am, not factoring in any extracurriculars. He also had visitation with his father every other weekend.

 

This made "our time" full of homework, cooking, eating, bathing, and a little bit left over. Ds had little time to decompress, meaning any leftover time usually involved him being at his worst.

 

Having spent the majority of my time with him at his worst, I was definitely intimidated by the idea of spending ALL OF MY TIME with him! I hadn't really known him at his best since he was 4!

 

It's hard to imagine that kids are just plain different when they don't have all that other stuff going on in their lives unless you actually do it. But it can mean a giant leap of faith for some people (like me!)

[m0mmaBuck]

I think that those comments are an easy way for parents to get out of an uncomfortable conversation somewhat gracefully. It generally ends the conversation and they can move on to other things.

 

I hear it a lot. I only have one friend that I truly believe thinks that way and it's because her son has Asbergers (sp?), is very precocious, and doesn't sleep past 4 a.m. ever. The truth of the matter is that I don't think the rest of them understand our decision to pull DS from the same PS that was "perfectly fine" for their kids. By "martyring" me as the "patient one" they can avoid a conversation that may make them question their choices rather than mine.

 

I'm not saying PS is bad. It's just not a fit for my son right now. And I don't believe HS'ing is for everyone. There are many days where it's not for me! I'm just saying that those comments are an easy way to end a conversation people would rather not have, either because they don't want to say something to offend the HS'ing parent or because they don't want to consider it for themselves.

Edited June 6, 2010 by m0mmaBuck
adding for clarity

[m0mmaBuck]

This is a great question. I also am in no way a perfect mom or homeschooling mom. many days my kids drive me crazy. :)

but this time of year all I hear from most of my stay at home mom friends is how they are dreading summer vacation because their kids will be home all day and they don't know what to do with them! I don't get it???

 

because I can take off the teacher hat and just be Mom!

[gingersmom]

I hear "how can you spend so much time with your kids" more than anyone else.

 

Not only do I homeschool but I am a single parent.

 

If pressed I will tell them the reason I homeschool is because their father died and their world fell apart. The school acted like nothing had happened.

 

That usually ends any further discussion.

[Hedgehogs4]

I have many friends (actually the majority) who send their kids to ps. That's their choice. I personally think it's the wrong one because the majority of them stay at home (we live on a military base in Germany and jobs are hard to find) and I feel that if you're going to stay at home, why not stay home with your kids, but it's their choice, so whatever. What I find almost inconceivable though is how many of them scoff at the idea of homeschooling because they couldn't spend that much time with their kids. Today I was outside talking to a friend (our kids were playing together) and she introduced me to several other moms I'd never met before. Of course it was asked what grade Indy was in and who is teacher was and blah, blah, blah. My friend said I homeschooled and of course there was the usual round of "OMG, I could never spend that much time with my kids," "I don't know how you do it" "I'd go crazy if I didn't get to send them to school all day" etc. WHY? Why is this what almost every non-hsing mom says? I didn't have Indy so I could send him away 8-10 hours a day. Now don't get me wrong, I am in no way shape or form the perfect mom and if he's finished with his school work (or it's a weekend) I'll gladly send him outside for as many hours as he's willing to stay out there so I can get some peace and quiet. Believe me, I need it because the kid never, ever stops talking (even in his sleep), but I wouldn't send him to ps just to get some time to myself. There have been days when I thought how much easier my life would be (and how much cleaner my house would be) if I had several hours alone every day, but that's not what's best for him. Why is it so difficult for parents to spend time with their kids?

 

:iagree: even the ever-talking kid part.

[jillian]

I think it is very socially acceptable to think of their children as burdens and things that take away from their luxuries and time to loll (jmvho) however i will honestly say that this is not always true but a lot of parents are SO conditioned to not want to be with their kids

[Mejane]

As someone whose kids once went to ps, I can say that, as much as I looked forward to seeing them at the end of the school day, I would get irritated when they came home, making noise and throwing their things all over. I had got used to the quiet and order when they weren't there. I think that's how many of these moms think they will feel all the time, when the reality is one's whole world shifts. It's not something that's easy to explain to someone; they really just have to live it.

[Haiku]

Why is it so difficult for parents to spend time with their kids?

 

I used to feel the same way.

 

I used to think that anybody could homeschool if they really wanted to/tried, and I used to think it was terrible that parents did not want to spend as much time as possible with their kids.

 

Then several things happened: I got older, I adopted an older child who turned out to be very difficult, and I actually started homeschooling my kids. :)

 

Now I have realized that it's very much about personality and expectation. I have had the expectation for a long time that I would homeschool, and I have the personality to do so. For someone who has never considered homeschooling, the idea of never being free of the kids would be daunting. (I love homeschooling, and the idea of never being free of the kids is still daunting. It's not easy or we wouldn't need places like TWTM boards.) Some people don't have the personality to be "on" all the time for their kids, just the same way I didn't have the personality to be with a guy I dated who went to parties every night. I just couldn't do it and stay sane.

 

I know lots of families who have adopted multiple kids with issues. I don't have the personality for that. It doesn't mean I wouldn't want to, or don't think it's fantastic, but I certainly "could never do that."

 

Tara

[Barb_]

Well, I speak as a parent who sends my kids to public school, so you may not give much weight to my words. ;)

 

However, I think a lot of it has to do with routine. Most ps families don't have a routine for when school is not in session. Without routine, things tend to get a little crazy. School provides the routine, so of course life runs more smoothly when school is in session.

 

:iagree: Sort of like when dh loses his job or is suddenly a work-at-home dad. Or retires. And he just seems to be in the way all day long until you create a new routine. This is also why I do half days of school in the summer. I can't stand having everyone underfoot, knocking around, creating havoc with neighborhood kids 12-14 hours a day. I must continue some semblance of routine.

 

Barb

[HRAAB]

There are days when I think I think I need a huge break from my kids just as I'm sure there are days when they would love a break from mom the teacher. I make sure that we all have time away from each other (not on a daily basis but weekly activities); it helps us keep our sanity. One of my older dd's went to public high school. I do believe that decision to send her to school is what saved our mother/daughter relationship which had become completely overshadowed by the teacher/student relationship. It also taught me something else: not to judge other parents when they say they could never homeschool.

 

I get along very well with all my children and they get along with each other, but occasional breaks help.

[2cents]

Well, I speak as a parent who sends my kids to public school, so you may not give much weight to my words. ;)

 

However, I think a lot of it has to do with routine. Most ps families don't have a routine for when school is not in session. Without routine, things tend to get a little crazy. School provides the routine, so of course life runs more smoothly when school is in session.

 

Often homeschooling families aren't that much different. Come August, the board will be full of posts about how moms (and dads) can't wait to get back to the routine of school because the kids are driving them CRAZY.

 

Talking about what your daily life is like may help them see how good homeschooling could be.

 

I totally agree! I think routine has a lot to do with it. This is also why we homeschool year-round. ;)

[joannqn]

I think that the entire family dynamic changes with homeschooling once everyone has had time to adjust. They just don't understand that their kids and their relationship with their kids would be different homeschooling than it is when the kids are gone all day and tired during them home time.

 

What I don't get is when public school parents need even more time away from the kids. One woman I knew was a stay at home mom to public school kids and she looked forward to weekends away from her kids on a regular basis.

[Jeannie in NJ]

I have a story to tell. We have friends in Florida from dh's college days. They have 1 child. When he was a baby and we would go see them, he was in day care all day and when we would meet the parents for dinner, they would leave the baby at daycare. We would always tell them to briing the baby, especially as we always went to family friendly places. They said that they didn't want to be bothered with him. One time we stayed at their house when their son was about 8, he was a great kid, we spent tons of time playing with him. However, the only reason, we never stayed with them again was that they had NO food whatsoever in their house, Dh and I would get up in the morning and no coffee, nothing in the house so we always stayed at hotels. Another time they invited us to a "barbeque" well they served a place of cooked hamburger patties, no rolls, no salad, no chips nothing else. Anyway back to their son.

 

He is now about 20, quit college, lives on his own, no job, both parents (now divorced) give him lots of money, he is HUGE, only eats tons of junk food and spends his money on professional girls, if you know what I mean. He is a mess.

 

Oh another thing, they never once took him on vacation with them and they went on vacations all the time, They said that vacations were just for them as a couple.

 

We were amazed, why did they have a child in the first place?

[justamouse]

I don't know, I don't get it either. That "Ugh, vacation is here" totally grates.

[MorganClassicalPrep]

I often find myself amazed at those parents also.

 

I'm a single parent and have long since realized that even though I have to support my family, I spend MUCH more time with my daughter than most parents. (I don't know any other homeschoolers IRL, so this is public school parents). I worked as a nanny until she was 3, and waitressed at night when her grandparents could watch her while she was sleeping. Now that I'm in school, I am only away from her a couple hours a day.

 

What really gets me is people who say "I could never spend that much time with my child" and then keep having more children. Why have more? If you are only spending a little bit of time with your child, now you have to split that time up. Children need some individual attention from their parents!

 

Now the real question... how to keep up a friendship with these type of people when they feel your decision to homeschool is an attack on their schooling decisions, and when you can't relate to needing to "get away" from the kids to go out every weekend? -sigh-

[Nicole M]

When ds was in school, he was with me (and dh, and his siblings) from 4pm to 8am, not factoring in any extracurriculars. He also had visitation with his father every other weekend.

 

This made "our time" full of homework, cooking, eating, bathing, and a little bit left over. Ds had little time to decompress, meaning any leftover time usually involved him being at his worst.

 

Having spent the majority of my time with him at his worst, I was definitely intimidated by the idea of spending ALL OF MY TIME with him! I hadn't really known him at his best since he was 4!

 

It's hard to imagine that kids are just plain different when they don't have all that other stuff going on in their lives unless you actually do it. But it can mean a giant leap of faith for some people (like me!)

 

This is one of the reasons I chose to home school. In 5th grade, PS, my son had no fewer than 2 1/2 hours, typically three hours, of homework every evening. So between meal preparation, after school activities, and homework, our downtime together was almost nil, and we were both at our worst.

 

Also, I totally agree with Melinda about routine. I think in our culture, we really do not grow up with any sense of how to order our time, our days. There are so many factors that contribute to this, I would do a disservice by indicating only a few, but I do think that part of it is that we do not have to work as hard to meet our daily needs as we did prior to the 20th century, and that has something to do with it. That, and other cultural factors, make it difficult for parents to have a sense of how to deal with their children during vacations. And, we don't perceive that the world is "safe" any more, many of us, so children running through the neighborhood in packs just does not happen like it did when I was growing up. My mom rang a bell to call us to come in for dinner. She did not feel compelled to keep us entertained all day.

[FO4UR]

Given you are on a military base, I'm guessing that atleast some of the women are w/o a present, able to help a lot kind of dh...plus, they are away from their mothers/sisters/friends.

 

Add to that, multiple dc ranging from infant/toddler to school age...and you will have one burned out momma! It may not be so much that they don't want TIME with their dc, but that they can't be multi-tasking super-momma extraordinaire 24/7 ... and maintain their sanity. HSing a child is a big job, and doing it with preschoolers/toddlers/infants in the home is TOUGH....doing it in a stressful family situation to begin with can seem near impossible (and I think being military can count for stressful for many). Sometimes it is better to have a sane and healthy momma after school...I can understand that.

 

I've had a few comments that made me :confused: too....my all-time fave was, "I know HSing would be best for (name of child), but I just don't want the mess in my house.":glare: For REAL??? Child's well-being vs. a clean home???? WOW! (I guess the state of MY home wasn't a good influence...LOL)

[joannqn]

Just a thought:

 

After my kids spend a Saturday afternoon with a certain friend up the street, their attitudes can take a serious hit. Suddenly they neeeeed more Bakugans, I don't have annnnnyyyy good food in the house, and their bedtimes and chores and academics and life in general are soooooo wrong.)

 

Now I can and do nip this pretty well, and they shape up pretty quickly. But imagine those types of influences all day every day without my intervention.

 

They'd be different kids. And I'm not sure I'd want to be with them all that much either.

 

Very good point!

[Mom in High Heels]

Given you are on a military base, I'm guessing that atleast some of the women are w/o a present, able to help a lot kind of dh...plus, they are away from their mothers/sisters/friends.

 

 

 

None of my friends (with one exception) has a dh deployed right now. My local friends, I mean. I have lots of friends all over the world with deployed dh's but none of the ones I'm speaking of. The woman I was outside talking to doesn't and neither do any of the other women that were there making all the "oh, I could never..." comments. I know who they are, but had never been properly introduced to them before today. Two of them were with their dh's today and the other 2 made comments about what their dh's were doing today (playing golf together at the local course.

Honestly, I think a deployed father is an excellent reason to hs. A child's life is in enough turmoil when a parent deploys, why add the pressures of ps (tests, homework, bullies, etc) to that? No way. Yes, it can be stressful on the mom (I know, my dh is gone a lot-not currently deployed, but gone several weeks out of every month), but to have a certain amount of stability is really great for the children. Children have bad days when their parents are gone (it's stressful for them too) and sometimes school is not the best place for them to be. With hsing the remaining parent can adjust the school routine if need be and still keep things relatively normal for the child.

Military spouses are actually excellent about helping each other out when a spouse is gone or deployed. When my dh was deployed the first time (when Indy was a baby) I had a wonderful neighbor (who loved Indy to bits) who would come take him to her house once a week or so, so I could have a little time alone. I've done the same for other friends when their dh was deployed. I've taken my friends kids to the movies so she could have some time to herself. Other friends have taken Indy to a playground for a few hours when dh was gone (again!) so I could have some peace and quiet. We are the proverbial "village." :) There is a lot of griping and moaning among military spouses, but we can ban together and help each other out in amazing ways when things are crazy or too much to handle.

[Pink Fairy]

Just a thought:

 

After my kids spend a Saturday afternoon with a certain friend up the street, their attitudes can take a serious hit. Suddenly they neeeeed more Bakugans, I don't have annnnnyyyy good food in the house, and their bedtimes and chores and academics and life in general are soooooo wrong.)

 

Now I can and do nip this pretty well, and they shape up pretty quickly. But imagine those types of influences all day every day without my intervention.

 

They'd be different kids. And I'm not sure I'd want to be with them all that much either.

 

That IS an excellent point. Can we answer those "I could never homeschool" moms with "If I had your kids, neither could I"? Or would that be considered rude?

 

:lol: Seriously, I think if you are used to having your kids gone from 8-3 everyday, it might look like an impossibility to have them home all. the. time. A lot like going from two incomes down to one. It probably sounds crazy if you've never done it.

[m0mmaBuck]

That IS an excellent point. Can we answer those "I could never homeschool" moms with "If I had your kids, neither could I"? Or would that be considered rude?

 

 

 

:lol::lol:

[lollie010]

Well, I speak as a parent who sends my kids to public school, so you may not give much weight to my words. ;)

 

However, I think a lot of it has to do with routine. Most ps families don't have a routine for when school is not in session. Without routine, things tend to get a little crazy. School provides the routine, so of course life runs more smoothly when school is in session.

 

Often homeschooling families aren't that much different. Come August, the board will be full of posts about how moms (and dads) can't wait to get back to the routine of school because the kids are driving them CRAZY.

 

Talking about what your daily life is like may help them see how good homeschooling could be.

 

That is a very interesting point. I have never thought about it that way.

[Alicia64]

I know for the entire 5 mo. that my boys were in Kindy that I sent two happy kids to school and picked up two whirling dervishes.

 

I hated it. I'm like, "I give you nice boys and they act like brats when they get home? And I'm supposed to enforce their homework." I don't think so.

 

I noticed that the more they stayed home, the better they acted overall.

 

I also think plenty of parents want normalcy and it doesn't occur to them to school outside of the box (sorry for the old term).

 

I get sick of getting "the looks" too. I doubt I'll ever get used to. I'd love to be normal and have a life that fits the standard, but that's not right for my kids.

 

Alley

[Haiku]

I'd love to be normal and have a life that fits the standard

 

Oh, but that would be so boring!

 

I gave up on the idea that I would ever be normal when I was about 10. :D

 

Tara

[Joanne]

Living happily all day with kids requires skill, structure and planning that our culture does not train parents for.

 

I totally "get" that parents in our culture respond that way.

[phathui5]

I think a lot of ps parents just aren't used to having their kids around during the day, so when they are home, it feels chaotic.

[texasmama]

As someone whose kids once went to ps, I can say that, as much as I looked forward to seeing them at the end of the school day, I would get irritated when they came home, making noise and throwing their things all over. I had got used to the quiet and order when they weren't there. I think that's how many of these moms think they will feel all the time, when the reality is one's whole world shifts. It's not something that's easy to explain to someone; they really just have to live it.

 

:iagree: When I began hs'ing, a paradigm shift occured for me which rocked my world, turned it on its ear and then realigned it in a way which works for us. The first couple of months I thought I would lose my mind...then I adjusted and have been fine since. I get small, short breaks every week with no kids and need these, but I spend most of my waking hours with at least some of my kids. Mostly, it's okay.

[Nicole M]

Living happily all day with kids requires skill, structure and planning that our culture does not train parents for.

 

I totally "get" that parents in our culture respond that way.

 

And once again, Joanne says in few words what I tried to say in many, but didn't really. So, um: yup. What Joanne said.

[lisabees]

I think these women are just trying to compliment you. I only hs one. I say all the time that I could never hs all of my kids; It would drive me crazy trying to deal with all of their personalities AND teach them in an organized way. I don't say that because I don't love my kids. I say that because I am in awe of women who have it together more than I do.

 

Of course, I could hs all of them, if I wanted to. I'm quite pleased with our ps, though, so I couldn't even imagine it. Just like the OP couldn't imagine why I even send my kids to ps.

 

No single choice is best for everyone. Best not to judge what is right for someone else.

Edited June 9, 2010 by lisabees

[Peela]

Once kids are indoctrinated with school culture- around here anyway- they learn that loving and being close to your parents is uncool, and hating them is pretty cool. My kids told me that after they had homeschooled for a while. So school - the culture, the institution, no one in particular to blame- actually drives a wedge between kids and their parents. I tihnk its meant to- it's meant to keep parents working and kids brought up as new rats for the system.

I remember when my kids used to come home from school in the afternoon it would often be an hour or two before they clicked into "home mode" and because really loving and open with me again. They went into a certain personality to survive in school, and it took a while to wear off at home. I personally feel it is this adjustment kids make to school that makes parents feel alienated from their kids, and the parents don't realise that if the kids weren't at school, they would be much closer to them.

I was the same- can you not relate to them at all? I was concerned that, my being an introvert and all, I would not be able to handle being around my kids all day every day. I homeschooled nevertheless and discovered that because they were "filled up" on attention they quickly because quite selv contained and not needing me all the time at all.

But people don't know that. All they know is that once kids hit the school system, something changes, and it's never the same again. They put it down to kids just growing up, but it isn't.

Of course there is also the issue of mothers needing a break. I did. I was frightened to homeschool at first because dh wasnt supportive, but also because I so looked forward to having my kids away for a few hours every day. I needed a break. I didnt realise I coudl have one while they were in the next room or at the shops with dad or on a homeschool excursion or in the evening after they went to bed.

[NavyWifeandMommy]

I got that here (Japan). The mom's are like what about YOUR time, you never get it. What about support? I just don't think they get it. I am the weird mom who stays home all day with her kids.

[Saille]

Just a thought:

 

After my kids spend a Saturday afternoon with a certain friend up the street, their attitudes can take a serious hit. Suddenly they neeeeed more Bakugans, I don't have annnnnyyyy good food in the house, and their bedtimes and chores and academics and life in general are soooooo wrong.)

 

Now I can and do nip this pretty well, and they shape up pretty quickly. But imagine those types of influences all day every day without my intervention.

 

They'd be different kids. And I'm not sure I'd want to be with them all that much either.

 

THAT (the rampant commercialism) was one of my big reasons for keeping mine home. Their thoughts should be their own. I do not appreciate the way the kid who has everything, or the kid who watches the most commercial television, becomes a viral agent spreading gimme sickness throughout a class or grade. I could work against it, but if I expected the kids to be at school every day...well, "Si fueris Romae, Romano vivito more", you know?

 

WRT to the scheduling issues, that makes all kinds of sense. I've wondered how my friends who are very fond of extracurriculars have any kind of family time, by the time they deal with those and homework. I've heard a couple of people quip, "We don't have time for school!" :tongue_smilie: I agree.

 

Count me in as another crabby, imperfect homeschooling mom. But I'd miss them terribly if they were in school.

[2squared]

Living happily all day with kids requires skill, structure and planning that our culture does not train parents for.

 

I totally "get" that parents in our culture respond that way.

 

:iagree: I'm still working on being happy with my 24/7 needy beings attached to me. I love my kids dearly, but this is hard. I crave some space, some quiet, some time not being needed or touched. A dependable break during school hours doesn't sound so bad most days - but only if they all could go at the same time.

 

Honestly, I can completely understand why public school parents would be overwhelmed during the summer. Their kids aren't used to being home all day, and the moms aren't used to it. They wouldn't have any kind of "normal," and I think we all crave a certain level of normalcy in our lives.

[hillfarm]

Of all the comments I get from nonhomeschoolers, this one irritates me the most.

 

I completely agree with the pp who asked why someone would have a child if they didn't want to make room in their lives for him or her. And if these kids are such brats that their parents can't stand to be around them, what makes them think all the teachers and caregivers can stand it any better than they can?

 

I have always felt that one of the reasons many homeschool children are better behaved than their ps peers is because since we are with them so much, we will not tolerate as much bad behavior. Plus, we homeschool teachers have the luxury of enough time and authority to actually correct such mischief.

 

Regarding scheduling, how hard is it? Summer vacation does not come as a surprise. We all know it is coming every year. So come up with a plan, mimic your daily schedule at work or your dh's, find something online, read one of the hundreds of books or magazines that address the issue of scheduling. Get up by XX:00, eat, do chores, get cleaned up, free play until lunch, eat, errands and library, home for more free play, Dh comes home, eat again, pm family time. This is not rocket science.

 

Honestly, I feel that what many parents mean when they say they can't stand to be with their kids over the summer is that they can't stand the interruption and inconvenience to their own lives. I'm not talking about a parent with a special needs child who needs an occasional break. I am talking about a parent who has just had a 9 month break of 6 - 8 hours a day child-free.

 

If any of the various comments ever causes me to snap and respond with a very blunt and tactless answer, it will be this one.:glare:

[Lizzie in Ma]

"Can we answer those "I could never homeschool" moms with "If I had your kids, neither could I"? Or would that be considered rude? "

 

:lol::lol::lol:

Thanks for that.

[Mom-ninja.]

But people don't know that. All they know is that once kids hit the school system, something changes, and it's never the same again.

 

When my oldest was younger than 5, my mom always said to me, "Just wait until he starts school. That's when you lose him, and you can't do anything about it. So enjoy your him now because later he won't want anything to do with you."

[RahRah]

When my oldest was younger than 5, my mom always said to me, "Just wait until he starts school. That's when you lose him, and you can't do anything about it. So enjoy your him now because later he won't want anything to do with you."

 

My mother has said the exact same thing! She's actually kind of relieved we're HSing since she's been so worried he'd be bored silly in PS....

[Parrothead]

I got that here (Japan). The mom's are like what about YOUR time, you never get it. What about support? I just don't think they get it. I am the weird mom who stays home all day with her kids.

I think that has a lot to do with it. Our society is very ME, ME, ME, it is all about ME. With the women's movement in the 60/70s it became uncool to stay at home and take care of the family. Women were expected to go out and find themselves. This morphs into what we have today, women who want to stay home, but don't want to be "bothered" with the kids.

 

And society says couples must have kids. Think how odd it feels to meet someone who doesn't have kids by choice. They are normally called selfish. Instead of being labeled bad human beings, people who don't really want kids have them any way because it is the expected norm in our society.

 

Then there are the parents who don't have a clue about kids. There are hundreds of books on how to raise kids. This method, that method. And often times no clear structure. After 5 years, oh, yeah, baby, send that kid to school.

 

Once the kids are in school, as explained in a PP the kids are expected to hate their parents the parents are expected to not understand the kids and the cycle perpetuates to the next generation.

[Mom-ninja.]

Oh, I do want to say that there are definately people who should not home school. I know two people irl who are not the best mothers, and would be even worse if they home schooled. Before anyone jumps on me for being judgemental, these women are not so nice to their kids. They swear at them, call them names, and such. So, yeah, much better for their kids to go to school.

 

It was the same for me. I can't even begin to think of what my life would have been like had my mom known about home schooling. School was my haven from her craziness. I'm so thankful I went to school!

[Retired]

Once kids are indoctrinated with school culture- around here anyway- they learn that loving and being close to your parents is uncool, and hating them is pretty cool. My kids told me that after they had homeschooled for a while. So school - the culture, the institution, no one in particular to blame- actually drives a wedge between kids and their parents. I tihnk its meant to- it's meant to keep parents working and kids brought up as new rats for the system.

I remember when my kids used to come home from school in the afternoon it would often be an hour or two before they clicked into "home mode" and because really loving and open with me again. They went into a certain personality to survive in school, and it took a while to wear off at home. I personally feel it is this adjustment kids make to school that makes parents feel alienated from their kids, and the parents don't realise that if the kids weren't at school, they would be much closer to them.

I was the same- can you not relate to them at all? I was concerned that, my being an introvert and all, I would not be able to handle being around my kids all day every day. I homeschooled nevertheless and discovered that because they were "filled up" on attention they quickly because quite selv contained and not needing me all the time at all.

But people don't know that. All they know is that once kids hit the school system, something changes, and it's never the same again. They put it down to kids just growing up, but it isn't.

Of course there is also the issue of mothers needing a break. I did. I was frightened to homeschool at first because dh wasnt supportive, but also because I so looked forward to having my kids away for a few hours every day. I needed a break. I didnt realise I coudl have one while they were in the next room or at the shops with dad or on a homeschool excursion or in the evening after they went to bed.

 

Great Post! This is true of the American schools also.

[LibraryLover]

Maybe it's where I live, but I know some pretty great families where both parents work jobs they care about, and where the children attend school. I know grown-up kids from such families, and they have told me that coming together at the end of the day to share was bonding.

 

I have a friend who is a physician. She is one of the best mothers I know, depsite that fact she has such a demanding job. Her kids are older ( 19 and 16) and they are lovely people; they are a close family. There are lots of good families where parents have to work/want to work, who are not together all day, each day, and who have good family lives. I know in the case of my friend, her need to do the job she trained so hard for is very important to her, and her family is proud of her.

 

This is a harsh thread, people. Harsh.

Edited June 9, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Jean in Newcastle]

When my oldest was younger than 5, my mom always said to me, "Just wait until he starts school. That's when you lose him, and you can't do anything about it. So enjoy your him now because later he won't want anything to do with you."

 

I was told this too! It made me feel so sad hearing it.

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

This is a harsh thread, people. Harsh.

 

Yes, I think it is harsh that people would say (I'm quoting from the OP here) "OMG, I could never spend that much time with my kids," "I don't know how you do it" "I'd go crazy if I didn't get to send them to school all day"

 

I get the distinct feeling that your friends would not say such a thing, even though they do have their kids in ps.

[hillfarm]

 

This is a harsh thread, people. Harsh.

 

We are not talking about the parents who are involved with their children and who love being with them. We are discussing those who proclaim frequently, loudly, and publicly that they couldn't stand being with their own children all day and who lament that they hate having their children home all day during the summer vacations.

 

If that's not harsh for a child to hear from their own parents, then I don't know what is.

[Garga]

When my oldest was younger than 5, my mom always said to me, "Just wait until he starts school. That's when you lose him, and you can't do anything about it. So enjoy your him now because later he won't want anything to do with you."

 

My MIL says the exact same thing to me, but still doesn't understand why I homeschool. :confused:

 

As far as the original post--I have a group of friends. Last year 3 of them started homeschooling, but they still are of the mindset that they want to get away from their kids. I just don't understand them. I had hoped that when they started hs-ing they'd start to want to be with their kids. Maybe they need a little more time.

 

 

And I've decided that when people make the comments in front of me, I'm going to admit that I don't feel that way at all. I won't disparage them for feeling that way, but I'm going to be open about the fact that I like being with my kids. Maybe it will inspire them to appreciate their kids more...or inspire them to be quiet about it in front of me!!! Either way, I'm tired of listening to it without commenting.

[Mom in High Heels]

Yes, I think it is harsh that people would say (I'm quoting from the OP here) "OMG, I could never spend that much time with my kids," "I don't know how you do it" "I'd go crazy if I didn't get to send them to school all day"

 

 

YES, YES, YES!!!! Indy would be devastated if he heard me telling people how I could never be with him all day or could never spend that much time with him. And these comments are generally, IME, said right in front of the kids. It makes me mad on behalf of the kids. What a terrible thing to hear coming from your own mother.

I get judged by other parents ALL the time. ALL. THE. TIME. A few of them even planned an intervention for me regarding sending Indy to school! I found out about it (through the PTA president of all people, who happens to be a very good friend of mine) and cut them off before they could even start. I was kind of mad, because really, how dare they? These are casual acquaintances at best, yet they judged me and how I choose to educate my kid and planned an intervention. WTH?

I don't tell them I think they're making a horrible mistake by sending their kids to the let's-just-meet-minimum-standards Dept of Defense schools, yet I 'm constantly being questioned why I think it's a good idea to keep Indy home. Now I know they don't mean any harm by this, it's just so out of their realm of "normal" but I get tired of being told what I shouldn't do with my own child.

I get tired of hearing how they could "never" do it, or "spend so much time with their child(ren). They're not interested in hearing a how it can be done. I've tried explaining why I do it and even how I do it, but they don't care. Why shouldn't I be allowed to judge them a little on a board for hs parents? They certainly judge me enough. To my face.

 

I'm a little fired up about this today because I ran into another mom on the playground today who went on and on about how she could "never" spend all day with her child because it would drive her crazy and how I must feel like I'm losing my mind half the time. I tried explaining that it's not bad (yes, there are moments when I think I have completely lost my mind) and how much Indy and I enjoy spending the days together, but it went in one ear and out the other. Sigh.

[Renee in NC]

Maybe it's where I live, but I know some pretty great families where both parents work jobs they care about, and where the children attend school. I know grown-up kids from such families, and they have told me that coming together at the end of the day to share was bonding.

 

I have a friend who is a physician. She is one of the best mothers I know, depsite that fact she has such a demanding job. Her kids are older ( 19 and 16) and they are lovely people; they are a close family. There are lots of good families where parents have to work/want to work, who are not together all day, each day, and who have good family lives. I know in the case of my friend, her need to do the job she trained so hard for is very important to her, and her family is proud of her.

 

This is a harsh thread, people. Harsh.

 

And scary. It perpetuates all my fears about sending my dc to school. Trust me, I would *much* rather be at home, but we simply can't afford it anymore. I love my dc and I want what is best for them. Both options are bad in various ways - I just have to figure out which one is worse and avoid that one.:001_huh: