I just want to sit down and cry

[ciyates]

So here is my pity party. 3 weeks ago my son was badly injured at a Boy Scout camp over. Another kid (completely by accident) dropped a cinder block on his hand. It crushed his right index finger. For 2 weeks we had to clean this wound out. It was open from the finger nail bed to the hand. We had to leave it open because of infection. Last Wed they did the surgery and found out that the tendons are missing (this will require a second surgery to repair), the first joint is completely shattered and missing bones, the second joint is shattered as well but it may be salvageable. The put pins in it to try an set the joint. Best case he will have limited movement in his finger, worst case they will remove it completely. This has been very hard because he is in so much pain and he is limited in what he can do while it heals. He has also realized his dream of going to Annapolis is gone. Our church family has offered very little support and my best friend has not called once to check on him. The people who have come to be with us are people I would consider to be more of acquaintances.

 

This week I find out my mom is going to be losing her job of 25 years. Because of her education level she is very unlikely to be able to find another that comes close to paying what she makes. That also means my mom and dad do not have health insurance. He has some pretty serious medical problems.

 

Yesterday my DS had a follow up appt and got to see his finger after surgery. He completely fell apart. It doesn't look like a finger at all. I think it was just sunk in that this is serious. It isn't healing the way they think it should so that isn't good. While I am there trying to deal with him I get a call from someone in our congregation. Her mother has passed away and the day before our pastor told her I would make all the arrangements for the bereavement meals. He didn't even call me and ask! I had no idea her mother had passed. We did know it was just a matter of time but I didn't know it had already happened. My DH also found out he has to have oral surgery. So I am dealing with 2 insurance companies, my son, my family's situation, homeschooling, on the BS committee, the adult sponsor for our local Gen J and the director of our co-op. I am not sleeping, my house is dirty and the most balanced meal we have had all week is ham, canned green beans and homemade mac and cheese. I should be up doing one of the many many things I need to do but right now all I want to do is cry. How do I get over this funk? I know in the grand scheme of things my problems are mild and petty. I also know that God is good and we will be fine but right now I can't seem to be able to get one thing accomplished.

[Caribbean Queen]

:grouphug:

[Just Me]

My heart is breaking for you and I am certainly praying right now. Poor boy and poor mom!

 

That said - No, no, no! Your church family should be supporting you right now, not expecting you to help out others! No meals? No contact? No way!!

 

My heart breaks for your situation, and even more so for your isolation! I am praying and would do so much more if I could!

 

:grouphug:

[Brigitte]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Your poor son! I hope his recovery improves. Hugs and prayers to you and your family. :grouphug:

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I am so sorry for you and your family.

Does your church know what you are going through? Have you told them and asked for help?

I would call the pastor and decline helping with the funeral and let him know your situation.

 

I wish I could offer more than just cyber hugs, but I hope those help.

:grouphug:

Edited February 13, 2010 by The Dragon Academy

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

:grouphug:

 

I would tell your pastor that you absolutely cannot do this since you have your own crisis and to not volunteer you.

[Parrothead]

No, honey your problems are not petty and mild. In no way is the possibility of one of your children loosing a body part is petty or mild.

 

Call your pastor and tell him that you need help instead of giving it. Let him know that you can not possibly make arrangements for the other lady. If he does not understand, it might be time to start looking for a new church. Seriously.

 

You are learning who your friends are. Make new friends of the acquaintances that are helping you out. They sound like wonderful people if they will help an almost stranger.

 

All you can do for your mom right now is pray for her.

 

A few week or a few months of canned veggies won't hurt. When you are able to get back on track then it will be time to reevaluate and get back on a more nutritious diet.

 

Take a deep breath. Tell the family that you are going to go take a bath and go sit in the bathtub in warm water and have a good cry. When you feel better from that you will be able to see clearer what you need to do next. I'd suggest a schedule to get the basics taken care of over the next couple of weeks.

 

I do not know how old your kids are but maybe now is a good time to start them on chores. Kids can help with laundry, dusting, vacuuming, moping and dishes. Older kids can even cook a meal a couple times a week.

 

Hugs to you and I'll pray for your and your family.

[jujsky]

:grouphug: I'd tell your church that due to your family circumstances, someone else will have to be in charge of the meals for this family. You have enough on your plate, and they should be supporting you.

 

Is it possible that people don't fully realize the extent of DS's injuries? Maybe some of the people in your life aren't purposely being insensitive -- maybe they just don't get it. Do other people understand that he may lose some fingers?

[JudoMom]

No, honey your problems are not petty and mild. In no way is the possibility of one of your children loosing a body part is petty or mild.

 

Call your pastor and tell him that you need help instead of giving it. Let him know that you can not possibly make arrangements for the other lady. If he does not understand, it might be time to start looking for a new church. Seriously.

 

You are learning who your friends are. Make new friends of the acquaintances that are helping you out. They sound like wonderful people if they will help an almost stranger.

 

All you can do for your mom right now is pray for her.

 

A few week or a few months of canned veggies won't hurt. When you are able to get back on track then it will be time to reevaluate and get back on a more nutritious diet.

 

Take a deep breath. Tell the family that you are going to go take a bath and go sit in the bathtub in warm water and have a good cry. When you feel better from that you will be able to see clearer what you need to do next. I'd suggest a schedule to get the basics taken care of over the next couple of weeks.

 

I do not know how old your kids are but maybe now is a good time to start them on chores. Kids can help with laundry, dusting, vacuuming, moping and dishes. Older kids can even cook a meal a couple times a week.

 

Hugs to you and I'll pray for your and your family.

 

:iagree: :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[KidsHappen]

:grouphug: I agree about explaining to you pastor that you can not take on that task at this time and I personally would probably even add that you feel that the church has not minstered to you at all in your time of need and perhaps he needs to get more in touch with what is going on in his congregation. Of course, I am feeling a bit cantankerous myself lately. So sorry for all your are going through hon. :grouphug:

[Cedarmom]

:grouphug: You don't have to get over thefunk. It's called grieving , and it is necessary.Your son is also grieving.He andyour family are your number one priorites. I agree with the others. Tell the world you can't do outside responsibilites right now, your busy enough trying to manage your own.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

No, honey your problems are not petty and mild. In no way is the possibility of one of your children loosing a body part is petty or mild.

 

Call your pastor and tell him that you need help instead of giving it. Let him know that you can not possibly make arrangements for the other lady. If he does not understand, it might be time to start looking for a new church. Seriously.

 

You are learning who your friends are. Make new friends of the acquaintances that are helping you out. They sound like wonderful people if they will help an almost stranger.

 

All you can do for your mom right now is pray for her.

 

A few week or a few months of canned veggies won't hurt. When you are able to get back on track then it will be time to reevaluate and get back on a more nutritious diet.

 

Take a deep breath. Tell the family that you are going to go take a bath and go sit in the bathtub in warm water and have a good cry. When you feel better from that you will be able to see clearer what you need to do next. I'd suggest a schedule to get the basics taken care of over the next couple of weeks.

 

I do not know how old your kids are but maybe now is a good time to start them on chores. Kids can help with laundry, dusting, vacuuming, moping and dishes. Older kids can even cook a meal a couple times a week.

 

Hugs to you and I'll pray for your and your family.

 

 

Wonderful advice. Please take it to heart and do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your family. Going into "emergency mode" may be a necessity, and not something to feel shame about. There's no room for shame at all in this scenario.

 

Love to you, sweet girl, and your little boy.

[Mabelen]

Hugs. I agree with the other posters. You need to tell your church you cannot take anything on at the moment. They need to be aware of your circumstances right now and support you. Thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

[Scarlett]

:grouphug:

 

Everyone else has said what I feel too.....these aren't minor things you are going through....

 

:grouphug:

[LittleIzumi]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

I'd definitely call and talk to your pastor and let him know what's going on, what you feel you can do, and what you support you need from him. It's always good to serve others but you need service, too!! :grouphug::grouphug:

[Tonia]

Everyone gave wonderful advice. Take time for your family. Hugs and prayers. :grouphug:

[Greta]

I am so very sorry for what you and your son are going through right now. I don't have anything insightful to add to what's already been said, but I did want you to know that I agree: your concerns are not petty, and your church and your friends should be helping you right now, not asking you for help. You will be in my prayers.

[swellmomma]

:grouphug:

[G5052]

Call your pastor and tell him that until further notice, you must hand off everything to someone else and not take on further tasks. This is the adult, "I know my limits," thing to do. Don't give into anyone who piles the guilt on you, no matter what. Your family comes before service to others, period.

 

And take a deep breath and realize that sometimes you reallly don't know who your friends are until a TRUE crises. This is going to be changing your life for quite awhile, so don't let it derail you when there are surprises. Many things will be different from now on, so ask God to help you let go and accept the road that He has place you on. He will show you the way.

 

And one foot in front of the other. You can't do it all, so do what you can.

 

I've been dealing with this sort of thing almost constantly for seven years. Yes, we eat a lot of crummy meals and I just repeatedly plowed/shovelled the driveway myself just six weeks major knee surgery. Sometimes we don't get the help we need, but we get some help and ultimately the Lord has made the way when we've truly been at the bottom.

 

:grouphug:

[Old Dominion Heather]

Send us that pastor's phone # and we'll call him! :glare:

 

You take all the time you need and let yourself and your son grieve. As someone who has dealt with a child's health issues that will effect their future plans, I know dealing with that grief is an ongoing process. It comes and it goes, and it may always do that. You can get to a point of acceptance, but that doesn't ever make it ok, you know?

 

It isn't petty and it isn't trivial and you get a big virtual hug from me. :grouphug:

[Mrs Mungo]

The people who have come to be with us are people I would consider to be more of acquaintances.

 

These are the people who are real friends. I've been through this sort of thing. I know. :grouphug:

 

 

While I am there trying to deal with him I get a call from someone in our congregation. Her mother has passed away and the day before our pastor told her I would make all the arrangements for the bereavement meals. He didn't even call me and ask!

You need to call the pastor and let him know he needs to make other arrangements. These are big problems you are dealing with. You cannot take on other people's grief at this time.

 

As to the rest-has anyone offered help-even the acquaintances you mentioned? Let them help.

 

Call the Generation Joshua and co-op people. Let them know the spot you're in and that you're not available to help out right now and will let them know when your household is running smoothly again. I know how it feels to have to do this, I've been there.

 

It's okay to do basic meals for now. Nobody is going to die of malnutrition if you do canned green beans. Do you have older kids other than your son? How much help can your son be right now?

 

eta: fwiw, my husband worked in a machine shop in college and had a finger crushed. They did manage to repair it. He has a scar and his movement is a little limited but most people never know.

Edited February 13, 2010 by Mrs Mungo

[SusanAR]

You need to call your pastor. He needs to hear from YOU. Most people assume that the pastor knows what is going on. Don't assume. Information gets so twisted when it comes through the grape vine. Even if he knows that you son has been injured, he probably doesn't know the seriousness of it. People don't want to "bother" pastors because they know they are so busy, but surely he would want to know this situation.

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug:Praying for you!

Edited February 13, 2010 by SusanAR

[Crystal in VA]

:grouphug: that's a lot to be dealing with.:grouphug:

[tricia]

That's way to bad. I'm so sorry. :grouphug:

[jananc]

You need to call your pastor. He needs to hear from YOU. Most people assume that the pastor knows what is going on. Don't assume. Information gets so twisted when it comes through the grape vine. Even if he knows that you son has been injured, he probably doesn't know the seriousness of it. People don't want to "bother" pastors because they know they are so busy, but surely he would want to know this situation.

 

:iagree: As a pastor's wife, I know this to be true. Your pastor would surely want to know your situation. Don't assume he already knows; clearly he doesn't!

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Desert Rat]

I'm so sorry you've hit such a rough time in life! I'm sending healing thoughts for your son's finger and your heart. I wanted to add that your mom and dad might not have to go without insurance. The new act passed by Obama allows you up to 15 months paying 35% of Cobra. It's still expensive, but may be worth it. It's helping my house of asthmatics right now! Hope this helps a little. Hang in there!

[LibraryLover]

:grouphug: That's a lot.

[happyWImom]

I am so sorry for you & your family right now. I can't imagine how overwhelmed you must feel.

 

I'm hoping, like the others here, that your pastor, as well as others in your church family aren't truly aware of the seriousness of your/your son's situation. Now is the time when you really need your church family, both for emotional, as well as practical support.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Miss Sherry]

I'm so sorry for your difficulties. I think someone else can take over the volunteer responsibilities, if you just let them know your situation.I agree with the others. I highly doubt that your Pastor knows what is going on with you. Generally, if someone hears that a child's finger were injured at camp, they may be thinking the child got cut or their finger was broken and just put in a splint.

You are needing to just deal with your own family right now and not do the volunteer things. They all should understand, and if for some reason they don't , your family needs you anyway.

 

:grouphug:

[Laurie4b]

You've gotten really good advice. Though I'm not in your situation right now, I'm in one of my own. Here are some things that helped:

 

First step was to notice that I was in bad shape. I had been caretaking others. I got a health wake-up call that made it clear that I needed some care.

 

Second step is to call friends and ask for specific help. One friend came and kept me company while I cleaned. Another came and helped me make up a plan for homeschool next week because I can't think clearly right now and having it all written down (I usually don't need that) and all the materials together will help. I've asked specific people to pray for me. It is okay to ask people for specific help.

 

Another step is altering our menus. I've bought some stuff that was more prepared that usual--precooked chicken, using V8 Fusion (vege/fruit juice mix that tastes like fruit juice) for a fruit/vege serving, easy fruit, etc. Stuff I don't have to put much of any effort into cooking.

 

If you are totally depleted you won't be able to be there for your family.

[Tiramisu]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Your and your son have every right to be grieving right now. My prayer for you is that your pastor will learn about the trials your family is experiencing and that you will get some much needed help and prayers from your spiritual family. My 9 yo dd had spinal surgery last month. It's been a long, painful recovery and it's not over yet. I know the surgery was necessary, but, like you, wonder what this will mean for the rest of my child's life, physically and emotionally. And like you, I have been really disappointed: My sister who lives in the same town, less than 10 minutes away, has not visited or even called once, not once. (I won't get started on the insurance problems.) I can so very much sympathize with your pain and will pray for your family and your ds's recovery. :grouphug:

[Tree House Academy]

I am so sorry! I would definitely tell the pastor that you are dealing with your own crisis right now and can not take this on. *HUGS*

[PollyOR]

:grouphug: Prayers being said for you, your son, and other family members.

 

Now is the time to delegate.

[NorthwestMom]

:grouphug:

[delaney]

I'm so sorry! That is way too much for one mama to deal with.:grouphug:

[HeatherM2]

All good advice. :grouphug:

[jenL]

I have no further advice to add because other moms have given you wonderful advice, and it's all what I would have said. I just want you to know that none of your situation is petty, and I am also praying for you and your family. :grouphug:

[kalanamak]

I am not sleeping.

 

:grouphug:

 

For actual advice, I would work on getting some decent sleep. It makes everything else easier.

 

And a :grouphug: for your son.

[Impish]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[ciyates]

Thank you all so much! I had a long hot bath, half a pint of ice cream and a good cry. I plan on getting a lot of sleep tonight and will be in better spirits tomorrow.

 

P.S. Our pastor does know he is just used to us being the kind of people who can handle it all or don't need help. I am sure if I sat him down and explained it he would feel bad.

[Guest Katia]

Thank you all so much! I had a long hot bath, half a pint of ice cream and a good cry. I plan on getting a lot of sleep tonight and will be in better spirits tomorrow.

 

P.S. Our pastor does know he is just used to us being the kind of people who can handle it all or don't need help. I am sure if I sat him down and explained it he would feel bad.

 

 

Sit him down and explain it. He needs to feel bad. Those assumptions are inexcusable.

 

Actually, what I would do is not take any calls......not go anywhere....and not do anything to plan/fix for any dinner.......when they realize you are not doing it, they will ask why and then you can tell them!

[Starr]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[*Inna*]

:grouphug:

[Danestress]

I wonder what would happen if you sent an email to all the women in the church who are part of the meal ministry or would normally be contacted about meals and said, "I've been asked to arrange bereavement meals. I need some of you to take meals. Please let the group know if there is a date you can take dinner and 'reply all.' My family is in a major crisis right now because of the XYZ and I need some women who can to handle the dates for meals to the bereaved between yourselves because I can't participate and am barely functioning."

 

I'm just thinking that maybe your church family doesn't realize how hard this is on you. I think sometimes we sort of hear about problems others have without recognizing how it might be affecting them. Maybe this is a way you could let these women know how much you are in need yourself. Or maybe if you let your pastor know, he will see that you also are really suffering and will tell the right people.

[Susan in KY]

but right now I can't seem to be able to get one thing accomplished.

 

Just love on your boy. I think everything else is completely irrelevant. So sorry he and you are going through this. :grouphug:

[missmoe]

:grouphug:

 

Just wanted to let you know that I sustained a similiar injury as a child. My left hand was crushed and I ended up losing most of my left middle finger. I had three surgeries as a child and one as a teen. I'm fine. I type with my finger and do what ever else I need to. No one even notices it. I don't wear gloves as when I fist my hand I have one finger that doesn't fist down!;) I can also pretend to pick my nose with that finger and it looks like I'm able to reach all the way to my brain!:D Sorry I couldn't resist--humor never hurts.

 

It's hard right now--you need to focus on your family. Let your church know! You realize how many blessings you receive from serving others--don't take away that chance for others to receive the same blessings by serving you.

[Lizzie in Ma]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Sahamamama]

I am so sorry for you and your family.

Does your church know what you are going through? Have you told them and asked for help?

I would call the pastor and decline helping with the funeral and let him know your situation.

 

:iagree:Call your pastor and let him/her know where you are as a family.

 

I know it's hard to focus on anything right now, there's so much going on, but please remember do self-care (take care of yourself!). Definitely tell the church that you are in no position to give right now, instead you need to be on the receiving end of some compassion and practical support.

 

Your son needs you the most, I think. He's really dealing with so much -- the physical pain, the surgeries/appointments, and the emotional pain of a lost dream. When I was in college, my roommate went psycho one day (her boyfriend had broken up with her). I came into the room, she grabbed my hand, and she bit my right index finger (nearly off), just before final exams. It was terrible. I had to take all my exams orally, and I'm a writer. Anyway, your son is dealing with a lot, and his finger will never be the same again. :crying: But he will adjust to the loss of it, with encouragement and prayer support.

 

Your husband needs your encouragement and to know that you are praying for his upcoming oral surgery. He probably also needs you to be hopeful -- full of HOPE -- that your family will get through this difficult time. (You really are getting slammed with everything at once, though :grouphug:).

 

Your parents need to know that you love them and are praying for them.

 

Is there any way that someone from your various groups could take over the leadership for a time, perhaps a month or two? You have a lot of things pulling you in so many directions, could you "edit" your life for a bit? Not forever, just a month or two, so you have energy and focus for your family? I'll be praying for you! :grouphug:

[Sahamamama]

Sit him down and explain it. He needs to feel bad. Those assumptions are inexcusable.

 

:iagree:

[masterpiece]

:grouphug: