Haiku Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 ... called you a b*tch when you said that she needed to let you know what time she would be home before she went out bike riding? My dd is in school but is on fall break for the week. Here's how the conversation went: DD: Mom, can I ride my bike? Me: Sure. You just need to tell me what time you will be home. DD: I don't know what time I will be home! Geez! I just want to ride my bike! Me: And you certainly can. I just need to know how long you will be gone. DD: You're such a b*tch! She then turned around and stomped off to her room. I didn't say anything to her then, but when she came down a few hours later to get something to eat, I told her that she is grounded for the rest of the week, which means she won't be going to spend the day with Grandpa tomorrow and she won't be going to visit her old teacher on Thursday. This child was adopted at an older age and we have always struggled with her behavior. Recently we had to restrict some of her privileges due to her making repeated poor judgments. My dh is inclined to be more lenient with her and will probably tell me it's not fair to ground her on her vacation, but I won't stand for my child calling me that name without there being a consequence. Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EarleneW Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 I think that is more then fair. Maybe even a little lenient. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 I wouldn't have to say a word. The first time one of my son's calls me a b*tch in my home, my dh will be taking care of it. That will NOT be tolerated. They can think it all they want, but it had better NEVER come out of their mouths! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 My first thought is that she had something else planned other than just bike riding. I could totally be off base, but that is how I would have reacted (and did) when I had something else cooked up and didn't want my mom to know. Calling a parent a name would result in being grounded for her entire break in this household, too. I see you've got another whole set of issues you're dealing with, though. The name calling is probably just a symptom of another, bigger issue. If she remains grounded for the week, instead of making her keep to herself, I would make it a more hands on grounding - where she had to spend time with the family and especially her parents. Janet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 If I had said that to my mother, there'd have been bruises on my body after. Oy. I agree, your dd definitely needs to experience some negative consequences, adopted or not. That's blatant disrespect and should not be allowed. She chose to behave that way on her vacation; too bad for her that her punishment should happen to fall on the same vacation. If you rob a bank, you go to jail right then; they don't waive the consequence because you robbed a bank on vacation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 Ouch. I guess I would feel that there was more to the bike ride than a bike ride if she became that angry, actually. I think grounding is a good start, but I'm not sure I'd deny her time with her grandfather. How about grounding from the phone or the tv? How about making the grounding a week minimum and requiring a letter of apology with details? And when you are both calmer, definitely a heart to heart. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 My initial reaction would be considered child abuse by many...but it would take incredible self control not to smack her in the mouth. Sorry, being honest about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 I'm sitting here trying to imagine what would have happened if I'd said that to my mom..... It would not have been pretty. I think your daughter got off really easy. As the mom to a difficult son, I urge you to stand strong for respectful behavior. She cannot go through life calling people names and expect to live in peace and harmony or have success at work. My older son has lost more than one job because he mouthed off to the wrong person. It's a stupid, lazy, defensive behavior. I hope you are able to help her move past this kind of reaction. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SquirrellyMama Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 My initial reaction would be considered child abuse by many...but it would take incredible self control not to smack her in the mouth. Sorry, being honest about it. That would be my first thought too. Kelly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 I would probably allow her to visit both her grandpa and her old teacher. Groundings, in my world, are more about not seeing your friends, going to the movies, or having screen time. Taking these two visits away seems punitive rather than disciplinary. Also, I would be more about the proactive response, not just the restrictive one. So, I'd allow those visits, but I'd also tell her that she was rude to me and hurt my feelings, and she was going to have to make up for that in some way. Then I'd ask if she had any suggestions. If she did not, I'd provide them, and they'd be heavy on relieving me of nasty chores. I'd also consider a 500 word essay on the definition of b*tch, and the proper use of the word, but I have a weird sense of humor ;). Don't make it only about "how dare you??" Be honest about being hurt, if you were, and about wanting better for HER. I could say that in all honesty, because I want better for my dd than for her to have to hide behind ugly words that don't mean anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 I would have done exactly as you did. I would not tolerate any kind of name calling, especially crude ones. At some point in the future, maybe you can explain why you need to know when she'll be home so she can see it as a safety issue. I suspect the situation is a lot more complicated with a child who is an older adoptee than it would be with a child who you have raised since birth or infancy. This child probably has had a lot of bad experiences and poor role models in her early life. That doesn't mean she gets a pass for her behavior, but it would affect the way I'd respond. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 I'd have taken the bike away for a week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 I think it's likely that to her, "b@tch" doesn't sound as bad as it does to us. Kids throw these words around a lot and even use them as terms of endearment (not that she was doing that). But that's beside the point. If she were my daughter, she would learn the simple fact of life that you people who you insult tend to not do you any favors. Driving kids places, letting them use your "stuff" (like the phone, the computer, the television etc) are all favors. Eating is not a favor. She would still eat in my home. But she would really be regretting those words when she found her cell phone was unavailable (if she has one) that the tv and computer are totally off limits to her, and that I am not in the least upset or looking for an argument so she didn't succeed in getting a "rise" out of Mom. With sons, at least, getting a rise out of Mom can be the name of the game. Daughters too, probably. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bugs Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 My first thought is that she had something else planned other than just bike riding. I could totally be off base, but that is how I would have reacted (and did) when I had something else cooked up and didn't want my mom to know. Calling a parent a name would result in being grounded for her entire break in this household, too. I see you've got another whole set of issues you're dealing with, though. The name calling is probably just a symptom of another, bigger issue. If she remains grounded for the week, instead of making her keep to herself, I would make it a more hands on grounding - where she had to spend time with the family and especially her parents. Janet I agree - though I would never have even thought to call my mom, or any adult a name. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted October 13, 2009 Author Share Posted October 13, 2009 Be honest about being hurt, if you were I wasn't hurt, actually. We've never had a close relationship. I was more like, "Hmm, I wondered when she'd resort to that." We have tried the "restitution" technique before and it honestly results in far more headache for me because, when given extra chores to lighten my load or letters of apology to write, she turns it into an opportunity to make more work for me trying to get her to comply. Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 We have tried the "restitution" technique before and it honestly results in far more headache for me because, when given extra chores to lighten my load or letters of apology to write, she turns it into an opportunity to make more work for me trying to get her to comply. Tara Even if she doesn't get any of the restricted privileges back until its done and done well? Even if it took a month or two?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted October 13, 2009 Author Share Posted October 13, 2009 Even if she doesn't get any of the restricted privileges back until its done and done well? Yep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 Yep. Whew. That's tough. Is there any angle you can reach her from? Perhaps how her behavior affects the other children? How Grandpa would feel about it if he knew? I'm sorry, I'm not there yet with my kids. But I do remember when *I* was 15, and I'm pulling from there. Hope you get better advice than what I'm offering! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 I did the exact same thing at the exact same age and here's what happened: a. my mom slapped me (I know a lot of you will disagree but I think I really deserved it. It was the only time that ever happened) b. Since I was 15yo, it just happened to occur the summer I was to take driver's ed. Guess who did not get to take driver's ed? I had to wait an additional YEAR. c. guess who never called her mom a b*tch a gain? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 Yeah, I agree with LauraGB - that is tough. I don't know how many people know that Gordon Neufeld, the author of Hold on to Your Kids specialized in violent young offenders & in adopted kids. And often these were the same kids......A lot of his work on these kids was focused on filling their attachment voids. Some are just not able to attach, but some will attach if given enough rope to grasp. So - I guess what I'd do would depend on whether I had a hope left of repairing the relationship or whether I thought it was pretty much a lost cause & I just wanted some baseline rules in the house until the kid moved. Not that these are mutually exclusive but you kwim, if one is more important than the other, I guess I'd react differently. I might let this go if I thought there was some way of getting the relationship to move forward & deepen. Heck, if a kid has been completely ignoring rules for example, asking permission like this would have been big step forward.... It's too hard to say without knowing all the ins & outs of your situation. Neufeld has an audio download on adoption and attachment but I'm wondering if it's too basic for you now....if you've been down this road a long time, I'm guessing you've tried all sorts of things already. I did hear him talk one time about bringing an older child back into an attachment fold by taking them out of their element for a while, somewhere where they'd have to depend on you. In his example it was a long hiking and camping trip, one on one. But it could be going to another country or something similar..... best wishes, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 (edited) Wow...it is so hard when things like that happen. Honestly, I think your self-control in the moment was amazing! I probably would use a punishment here. However, I wouldn't have taken away those kinds of things. Those are thigns that can be VERY healthy in terms of relationships and learning discipline. I also would make sure that you are doing relationship building activities, teaching her proactively how to behave appropriately, etc. In the moment isn't the time for discipline (teaching/guidance), but tomorrow might be a good time to "chat." If you can fix lunch together or something, you can get her thinking. The thing that worries me is that she was SO quick to go there when you weren't restricting anything. That is weird. Was she up to something? Or could she not think of an appropriate response? Does she have an issue that puts her on the level of a 5yr old emotionally that she needs stronger guidance to help her work through these thigns to problem solve? Does she often take such an easygoing request as an attack? Whatever the issue, it needs to be figured out. At 15, she could REALLY get in a lot of trouble if it's the first issue; but if she's THAT behind in terms security, problem solving, or discipline, those need to be handled ASAP. JMO (ETA: btw, throughout this post, I was thinking that maybe you should consider Total Transformation or their program Consequences. You might look at http://www.empoweringparents.com) Edited October 13, 2009 by 2J5M9K Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jill- OK Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 My dh is inclined to be more lenient with her and will probably tell me it's not fair to ground her on her vacation, but I won't stand for my child calling me that name without there being a consequence. ...for kids is that if you can't get along with your family members, then I really shouldn't inflict you on outside society until it's handled. (Translation: You don't go anywhere.) So, I would have called off the visits, too. It's not personal, it's just business. I mean, I know it is personal...but face it, if she's going to call you that over something this small, your feelings aren't that important. Not that they shouldn't be--and I'd want to take some time and try to figure out new ways of bonding, if that was possible, apart from this--but I do believe that certain behaviors have to have consequences, and something like this seems big enough that it needs to be seriously addressed. Letting that slide seems to be a go-ahead flag for something bigger. Not trying to be dramatic, but...it's my honest feeling. Showing that you won't let her abuse you is a form of love, IMO. Just as necessary as affection. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 Did you say "you are grounded for the week?" or did you say "you are grounded for the week and will not be seeing Grandpa or your former teacher?" Whatever you said, you need to stick with. If you said "grounded for the week" - I would still allow her to have healthy interaction with responsible adults. Other thoughts: There are 2 offenses here. 1. - not telling you how long she plans to be gone. Surely at 15, she knows that you are asking her for a rough estimate. Consequence - if she doesn't tell you what you need to know, she doesn't go out. (This one is "paid" because she did not go out.) 2. calling you a rude and disrespectful name. A grounding is appropriate for this. Once the grounding is done, then this is "paid". You don't bring it up again to her. If she calls you something like this again, she again has a consequence that is the same or similar. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Earth Yarn Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 adopted or not something like that would definitely not get leniency! I do not feel any children in a household should be treated differently in regards to discipline as it creates a divide. If my child called me a biotch that would be instant grounding for probably over a week of time which would mean no bike, no TV, no phone, just come home from school eat dinner and go to bed or read a book. Period. the more you give in the more respect you loose and the more they will run over you. Ask me how I know :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 I'd try to avoid consequences that punish *me*. For example, I've found that keeping my boys "in" is counter productive to good behavior (on all our parts;)). The bike would be gone indefinitely. Interaction that leads to me doing something with/for her would be suspended pending an apology. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kari C in SC Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 Might not be politically correct, but I would have smacked her square in the mouth. My mom would have too. I saw my sister talk that way to my mom and learned real quick that I didn't want to feel the back hand that came with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 (edited) I did the exact same thing at the exact same age and here's what happened: a. my mom slapped me (I know a lot of you will disagree but I think I really deserved it. It was the only time that ever happened) c. guess who never called her mom a b*tch a gain? yep. I did that too. ONCE. my dh would be absolutely furious and back me 100%. grounded is grounded. not grounded except for leaving to do this and that here and there. so, no go for grandpa and so forth. ETA: not driving, but similiar - take the bike for a month. Edited October 13, 2009 by Martha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tea Time Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 ... called you a b*tch when you said that she needed to let you know what time she would be home before she went out bike riding? My dd is in school but is on fall break for the week. Here's how the conversation went: DD: Mom, can I ride my bike? Me: Sure. You just need to tell me what time you will be home. DD: I don't know what time I will be home! Geez! I just want to ride my bike! Me: And you certainly can. I just need to know how long you will be gone. DD: You're such a b*tch! She then turned around and stomped off to her room. I didn't say anything to her then, but when she came down a few hours later to get something to eat, I told her that she is grounded for the rest of the week, which means she won't be going to spend the day with Grandpa tomorrow and she won't be going to visit her old teacher on Thursday. This child was adopted at an older age and we have always struggled with her behavior. Recently we had to restrict some of her privileges due to her making repeated poor judgments. My dh is inclined to be more lenient with her and will probably tell me it's not fair to ground her on her vacation, but I won't stand for my child calling me that name without there being a consequence. Tara I think you should respond just like "momma" in this video! No, seriously, I am just kidding here, and I hope this gives you a good laugh, and that it does not come off flip or insulting. I just happened to run into it yesterday and it really made me laugh. Whenever things have gone wrong with my kids, I have always tended to try to cover all ground. I like the points made about not limiting doing the things that encourage family relationships and healthy behavior, but strictly (and I mean strictly) cutting out the "frills." But this should never, ever come without tons of explanation and heart to heart talking, which my kids now affectionately refer to as "lectures." They do call it that, but at the same time they know that I am trying to provide them reasons for why their father and I do the things we do. I would also consider, when time has passed and the situation is behind you, showing her this video spoof and talking about how it may be funny, but that there are people that really live in this kind of unhealthy way, and that you do not want that for your family or for her in her future. It is a good way to light heartedly talk about relationships and behavior. This is just a suggestion because it would have worked really well for my daughter, but it certainly is not an approach for everyone. It is just that laughter is good medicine, and it can really open up communications with teens if they know we have a sense of humor. One more thought. I would observe and make a mental note of mood swings common for monthly cycles, and I would tell her she needs to do that, too. Sometimes these things creep up on us without our noticing. But I would use care not to make that issue something to blame, of course, as a way to excuse moodiness. Common sense in all things, right? This, too, will pass, eh? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 dh is running out the door. said he called his mom that once. and... dum -dum-dum... he was dumb enough to say it within hearing of his dad. said he had no idea the old man could move so fast.;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 Well, it really depends on the situation. Cursing doesn't bother me terribly nor do I get flustered with the, "I Hate You!"s, "You're mean!"s or other derogatory remarks on my person. I can even take fairly light hearted, "God mom, you are such a b*tch." or just plain ole "B*tch" but I am not your average mom. Now on the other hand, if she made me mad, honestly, my first response would be to slap her in the mouth. I did do that with my 18 yr. old once simply because she was being defiant and told me no she wasn't going to do something. She was about 14 or 15 at the time. She never did that again. If I refrained from slapping her, my next response would be to tell her that she has no idea what a b*tch I can be and then proceed to make her life a living hell for at least a week. This is all based on my situation with my own dds. Given the information that she is adopted and may have attachment issues, I would probably handle it differently although I am not exactly sure how. So much depends on the relationship between you two. I really feel for you though. Parenting is the hardest job there is and teens can be especially challanging. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawn in OH Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 My Mom would have slapped me and then grounded me had I said that. My mom was also known for very long excessive groundings. My daughter is a lot younger, but I'm thinking if I had a daughter that age that said that to me, I would show her just what a b*tch I could be. This would include a serious loss of privileges for a long time. I might add that I am not a rational woman right now. The pregnancy hormones are raging and I am seriously angry with my husband right now and have been getting increasingly more angry with him for the past 4 days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 If she remains grounded for the week, instead of making her keep to herself, I would make it a more hands on grounding - where she had to spend time with the family and especially her parents. Janet I haven't read past this post (running out of time--dh wants the computer!) but I strongly agree with this. There's a book called "Hold on to your Kids" that addresses what happens when the kids feel opposed to you, and how to gently bring them to your side. Right now she is opposed to you and she needs to be attached to you. You guys need to spend a lot of good time together while she's grounded, getting back on the same team. But she should be grounded from all the things apart from you (visiting the teacher, etc.) I also agree that there was probably more to the bike ride than just a bike ride. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 My first thought is that she had something else planned other than just bike riding.Janet This. I would probably allow her to visit both her grandpa and her old teacher. Groundings, in my world, are more about not seeing your friends, going to the movies, or having screen time. Taking these two visits away seems punitive rather than disciplinary. And this. And then I would have said, "You think I'm a *****? Let me show you what a ***** is." and I would have proceeded to 1. Write me a paper as to why calling people names is disrespectful and why we should treat others as we want to be treated. Another thought-apart from the attachment thing- is this her way of trying to treat you as an equal? I mean, we call peers names like that, you know? Is she trying to raise her status? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 dh is running out the door.said he called his mom that once. and... dum -dum-dum... he was dumb enough to say it within hearing of his dad. said he had no idea the old man could move so fast.;) :lol::lol::lol: My dh would be the same way. He would NOT put up with our kids disrespecting me in such a way. Part of the problem is that it has become somewhat "acceptable" for kids to "rebel" and treat their parents with disrespect. We as parents "expect" it. That is a new generation thing because that would have NEVER flown in previous generations. If MY mom would have called HER mom that name...shudder....it would have happened ONCE. Just like I tried it too....ONCE. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 The reason I am not letting her visit grandpa is twofold: 1) She gets to escape from the situation. She called me a b*tch, retreated to her room, and tomorrow she gets to leave the house before I get up and spend the day away, thus avoiding the situation she created? No way, babe. You created the situation, you live with it. And 2) She just spent Sunday with Grandpa. He takes some configuration of the kids fairly frequently. She'll see him again soon. And the going to visit the teacher thing is something she worked out with some friends. It's a social visit with friends. Uh-uh, sorry, no going out for a little party. We already have a limit on how many hours a day she can spend in her room because, were it up to her, she would only come out to grab a snack and then retreat again. So she will definitely be spending time with me. Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy in TN Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 Well, it really depends on the situation. Cursing doesn't bother me terribly nor do I get flustered with the, "I Hate You!"s, "You're mean!"s or other derogatory remarks on my person. I can even take fairly light hearted, "God mom, you are such a b*tch." or just plain ole "B*tch" but I am not your average mom. This is sort of where I stand, but I also agree that this is a power issue. Based on this child being an older adoptee with behavior issues, this is a very different situation than an otherwise loving daughter who in a fit of hormonal rage let that word fly out. If you said what you did as an emotionless this was the action and now this is simply the result of that action, then now is the time to move on. What was done was done. She had her action and the result of her action. Move on. If you said the things you did as a powerful emotional response to her behavior, then you have given her power. You have shown her how to make you angry and get under your skin. She will repeat the offense. If you, as others have suggested, show her what a b*tch is, then you will be giving her the power to control your behavior. As a sort of power game, she will know to use this word to get a rise out of you. Whatever punishment you give will be worth it to her just to be able to have that little bit of warped control. Oh, and I would also suspect that she was going out for something more than just a bike ride. Mandy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleen Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 (edited) I read through the replies and more often than not, didn't share the sentiments expressed. Slapping in response is silly, imo. It's not realistic. If, another adult calls me a b*tch, I'm not going to respond physically and I'd see no point in doing so with my young adult offspring. I also don't believe "grounding", in the typical sense of the word, is a useful natural consequence. If she sits around at home, particularly in her own little world, how does that relate, really, to calling you a b*tch? I'd let her know that expecting favors from someone whom you call a b*tch is an oxymoron. I'd talk about the fact that if she can't express her desires in a calm, rational fashion, she's less likely to be rewarded. I'd have her do some work with me, rather than encouraging isolation. Honestly, though, I wouldn't make a mountain out of a molehill and while your daughter may have a myriad of other issues, I don't think calling you a b*tch as a means of trying to hurt or anger you is a mountain. Edited October 14, 2009 by Colleen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 Well I am not proud of how I handle things yesterday when my dd called me that, and it was a smack in the mouth. After she and I both calmed down we both said out apologies(her for swearing at me and me for over reacting), we had a talk about why it was unacceptable to be saying things like that to me. In the end she is also grounded this week, for us that means no friends, no tv, no video games. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 ...the bike would be gone. Gone like donated, or taken to the dump. I'm not saying I'm proud of that, but swift decisive action would have been the order of the day, and I suspect that in my effort to avoid hitting her in the mouth I would have tossed the bike. Logical consequences, totally. And nipping it in the bud, totally. Not as effective as I normally would be, but b*** is such a bad word to me. I knit and won't even buy any of the Stitch and B** books because of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 I knit and won't even buy any of the Stitch and B** books because of it. LOL, when you have dogs & are in the dog world, that word is common parlance. My wii screen name is alpha*****. I refer to one of my dogs as an uppity ***** all the time. I have also been known to use it to refer to some people.....It's not the word that would be the problem for me, it's the intent...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 LOL, when you have dogs & are in the dog world, that word is common parlance. My wii screen name is alpha*****. I refer to one of my dogs as an uppity ***** all the time. I have also been known to use it to refer to some people.....It's not the word that would be the problem for me, it's the intent...... I thought that is a term of endearment I thought....my dh calls me that all the time! Seriously, I am sorry for this but you seem to have given up on her a bit. You said you were never close. I wonder if that is why she feels the freedom to say that. Maybe to get some sort of reaction of caring from you. To try to hurt you, to see if you cared. It is sort of a childish way of getting attention. Just throwing that out there. If she were mine I would wear her like an old coat. Comfortably by my side ALL day long. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gretchen in NJ Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 I would not take the bike away since biking is a health activity. Hmm...I think I would add to that health activity. I think that would earn her aboput 50 push-ups, 50 sit-ups, or both. For the first time, I caught a show on CMT called something like the Strictest Parents _______ _______. I can't remember the exact title. The coach/father had a teen staying with him dig a hole 1 foot by 1 foot by 1 foot. :001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sahamamama Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 If I had said that to my mother, there'd have been bruises on my body after. Oy. I agree, your dd definitely needs to experience some negative consequences, adopted or not. That's blatant disrespect and should not be allowed. She chose to behave that way on her vacation; too bad for her that her punishment should happen to fall on the same vacation. If you rob a bank, you go to jail right then; they don't waive the consequence because you robbed a bank on vacation. :iagree:As usual, I agree with Michelle. ;) Not to be pessimistic here, but in my old big bad social worker days, I did a lot of work with adopted teen girls. One thing I noticed was that these girls often seemed to "go off the deep end" at EXACTLY the age that their biological mothers had done the same thing. In other words, if the girl's bio-mom went wild at age 16, then her daughter seemed to do it at age 16, too -- often regardless of the upbringing. :glare: It was pretty remarkable, really. I also noticed this same tendency when I worked with teen boys, but to a lesser degree. Perhaps the adopted girl identifies more closely with her bio-mother's dilemma/lifestyle/trajectory -- perhaps she is trying to reach out to it, to follow the course of it, to find herself in becoming what she thinks her bio-mother was like at that age. Or, perhaps it really is genetic. :confused: I've seen this again and again, though it is only my observation/anecdotal. Take it all with a grain of salt, but I do think that adoptive parents sometimes tend to be a bit more lenient when it comes to blatant disrespect -- and this is to the child's detriment. Calling a parent a "b*tch" is completely out of line, unless this has been modeled to the child. Does she KNOW that this is unacceptable to you? From your question, it seems as though you have clearly defined the boundaries, and this is not within them. So, it was outright rebellion on her part. If it were me, I'd have pulled her down, right then and there. One week would not be long enough to ground a daughter who called ME a "b*tch," let me tell you. More like a month. A month might be long enough to soften such a hardened heart, it might be long enough for a mother-daughter relationship to be restored, it might be long enough for you to demonstrate to her the terrific extent of your tough love and commitment to her well-being, even at the price that YOU pay to keep her with you for that length of time.... Maybe. I suppose I am the Drill Sergeant Mother, but where will your daughter's dishonor and disrespect for you lead her? What heartache will it bring? Where will her attitudes take you and your family? IMO, you should nip this in the bud. Do the heroics with the discipline, not the rescuing. Don't wait until she's in jail or pregnant before you show her how much you care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 I think you did the right thing! I would like to say that I would have done the same thing, but I'm afraid my first reaction would have been to smack her mouth. Not that I think that is the right thing to do, but I probably would have done it. You know your daughter, and I think you handled it really well! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 My initial reaction would be considered child abuse by many...but it would take incredible self control not to smack her in the mouth. Sorry, being honest about it. My initial reaction to the OP's question was similar: "You mean BEFORE I whipped her behind or AFTER?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Imprimis Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 (edited) I read through the replies and more often than not, didn't share the sentiments expressed. Slapping in response is silly, imo. It's not realistic. If, another adult calls me a b*tch, I'm not going to respond physically and I'd see no point in doing so with my young adult offspring. I also don't believe "grounding", in the typical sense of the word, is a useful natural consequence. If she sits around at home, particularly in her own little world, how does that relate, really, to calling you a b*tch? I'd let her know that expecting favors from someone whom you call a b*tch is an oxymoron. I'd talk about the fact that if she can't express her desires in a calm, rational fashion, she's less likely to be rewarded. I'd have her do some work with me, rather than encouraging isolation. Honestly, though, I wouldn't make a mountain out of a molehill and while your daughter may have a myriad of other issues, I don't think calling you a b*tch as a means of trying to hurt or anger you is a mountain. As the mother of a 14 yo dd, I really think this is well-thought-out advice. I know I would be quite upset if my dd chose to talk to me like this, but I think that slapping, over-reacting, or punishment would not be effective ways to address the problem. Edited October 15, 2009 by Imprimis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted October 15, 2009 Author Share Posted October 15, 2009 (edited) I'd let her know that expecting favors from someone whom you call a b*tch is an oxymoron. I'd talk about the fact that if she can't express her desires in a calm, rational fashion, she's less likely to be rewarded. This conversation has been had multiple times. She is well aware of the connection between her behavior and her privileges and between how she treats people and what people are willing to do for her. If you said what you did as an emotionless this was the action and now this is simply the result of that action, Yep. After she had been up in her room for a few hours, she came down to get a snack. When she came into the kitchen I said, "Because you called me a b*tch, you will be grounded for the rest of the week. That includes no phone, tv, or computer time, and no going out of the house without us. People in families don't call each other hurtful names." We have spent a lot of time teaching dd what it means to be in a family, and I believe that part of living in a family is accepting the consequences when you step over the line. But I do this in a positive way, too. If I do something for dd and she thanks me, I say, "People in families show their love in this way." Seriously, I am sorry for this but you seem to have given up on her a bit. You said you were never close. I wonder if that is why she feels the freedom to say that. Maybe to get some sort of reaction of caring from you. To try to hurt you, to see if you cared. It is sort of a childish way of getting attention. It's true that dd and I have never been close, but that does not mean I have given up on her. If I had, I wouldn't have imposed a consequence for her behavior. Although we are not close, I love her and I want her to develop the skills to have a fruitful life. Tara Edited October 15, 2009 by TaraTheLiberator Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mama2cntrykids Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 The one and only time that I said something remotely like that to my mother, I got a slap across the face. It's the only time I remember my mother laying a hand on me, but I deserved it! I can say that I feel for you! I have an almost 15 yr. old step son living with us and my dh is out of the house all week, every week, so yea, we butt heads. It is such a tough age. Especially, I think when there isn't that maternal bond from birth. I struggle with it frequently. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy in TN Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 This conversation has been had multiple times. She is well aware of the connection between her behavior and her privileges and between how she treats people and what people are willing to do for her. Yep. After she had been up in her room for a few hours, she came down to get a snack. When she came into the kitchen I said, "Because you called me a b*tch, you will be grounded for the rest of the week. That includes no phone, tv, or computer time, and no going out of the house without us. People in families don't call each other hurtful names." We have spent a lot of time teaching dd what it means to be in a family, and I believe that part of living in a family is accepting the consequences when you step over the line. But I do this in a positive way, too. If I do something for dd and she thanks me, I say, "People in families show their love in this way." Good for you!:D I hope today was a better day. I thought about you while I couldn't post. :grouphug: Mandy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted October 15, 2009 Author Share Posted October 15, 2009 I hope today was a better day. I thought about you while I couldn't post. :grouphug: Mandy Thanks! Today was fine. She hung out with me and the kids like she normally does when she's not at school. Nothing was said to me about the grounding, and when her brother brought her the phone and said it was dd's friend, dd got on the phone and said, "I can't talk, I'm grounded right now. I'll talk to you next week." Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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