s/o For those of you who believe in keeping daughters home until they are married

[gandpsmommy]

What exactly does this mean to you? This is a competely new concept to me. Please don't take my post the wrong way; I'm not trying to be argumentative or snarky. I'm just very curious. Does this mean that you think every woman should get married? What will you do if your daughter doesn't agree with this practice when she reaches the age of 18 and can legally live on her own? What do you think are the benefits of this arrangement? Do you think women who live on their own are doing something wrong or just that it is better for women to not live alone? Would you be opposed to women living with other women as housemates? What do you think about men living alone, and if it's okay, why? Thanks for any answers you care to share. I have truly never encountered this idea in real life and just want to know more.

[kmacnchs]

I'll just speak to the daughters living at home...

Living on one's own before getting married leaves a lot of "room for error"... meaning many opportunities to get in trouble... meaning situations the girl does not want to put herself in... meaning with the opposite sex...was that complicated enough for you? :D

[IsabelC]

I lived with my parents until I got married. I think they were happy to have it that way, but I have always wondered whether it was a bad idea. It doesn't bother me so much that I didn't live with dh before we got married (just because that is the social norm doesn't make it necessary!), but I do wonder whether I have missed out on something important because I never lived in a share house or in my own place.

 

For those who are posting here because they believe it's important to do this, I'd also be interested to know whether you think that young men should also stay at home with their parents until they settle down and marry? Just wondering because of the historical view that a woman belongs to her father until she is transferred over to her husband; men had to show themselves to be independent and capable of supporting a wife financially, whereas women had to show themselves to be ladylike, obedient and skilled at housekeeping.

Edited June 23, 2010 by Hotdrink

[gandpsmommy]

I'm not sure why this thread popped up today. I posted it almost a year ago. And I had completely forgotton that I ever posted it! Weird.:confused::confused::confused:

[Pamela H in Texas]

Well, I think there are benefits to living at home (btw, do not read "living off parents" as I think this culture of adult children living at home, not helping in any way, acting like 13yr olds is way crazy and detrimental). And my own children expect to have a place in our home.

 

However, my daughter (almost 18) is pretty adamant she isn't getting married. And I sometimes let myself think she might be right. I don't think she needs to be living with me at 36 or 27 or...

 

One consideration. I think it is MUCH more likely that a young person (either gender) is going to find trouble than an older one. Either age COULD, but a person who decides to live a certain life has had a lot more time for their resolve and a lot more thought out as well as life skill to follow through. You can have a 27yo who has been able to skirt even flirting with fire or an 18yo who thinks they can handle it and finds out you can get burned.

 

I'm not expressing myself well. I think there are benefits to getting "past the bloom of youth." But I can't see having adult children staying at home VERY long term.

 

ETA: I didn't notice the date!

[IsabelC]

I'm not sure why this thread popped up today. I posted it almost a year ago. And I had completely forgotton that I ever posted it! Weird.:confused::confused::confused:

I bumped it because I thought it was interesting and wanted to read people's responses :)

[Mom2J112903]

I lived at home until I was almost 23. J was born in November (he was a premmie) after I turned 22 in June. Yeah, do the math. ;)

 

So just because a girl lives at home with her parents, does *not* mean things can not and do not happen.

 

DH and I moved in together, in our first home, on Memorial Day. We were married in October, J came 6wks later.

 

Edited to add-DH and I had been together since 1998 before becoming engaged in Feb of 2003.

Edited June 23, 2010 by Mom2J112903

[sagira]

It is interesting. My BIL (27 going on 28) lives at home with his parents. He does most of the cleaning, sometimes cooks, bakes cakes, cookies and brownies, helps around the house, and coaches his younger brother (17) in baseball. He's never had a girlfriend, and works for his parents too.

 

I do know one girl who was basically required to stay home until she was 24. I found it odd. My BIL wants to stay, he's not required. Maybe maturity is an issue? I mean, if a young woman leaves for college from 18 to 22, what's the difference in keeping her at home afterward? She should be able, if she's ready to, to live on her own, independently. One of my co-workers bought a house herself and renovated it after taking Home Depot classes. A very independent woman. I know another who travels all around the world teaching, she's 27. I do admire independence in a man or a woman.

[mom4him]

I had never considered 'requiring' my dd stay at home. I don't think there is anything 'wrong' with a dd OR ds staying past high school as long as they are a contributing member of the household. My middle son lived with us until about a yr before he married. Our oldest has always lived with us other than a summer job he had that put him in a national park dorm for 3 months. He was injured at 21 so moving out after that would have been VERY difficult.

 

My dd says she is going to stay here and go to college. I would be very happy if she does that but I also would not 'require' her to do that.

[Carrie12345]

I lived at home until I was almost 23. J was born in November (he was a premmie) after I turned 22 in June. Yeah, do the math. ;)

 

So just because a girl lives at home with her parents, does *not* mean things can not and do not happen.

 

DH and I moved in together, in our first home, on Memorial Day. We were married in October, J came 6wks later.

 

I had lived on my own (a semester at school and then in my own apartment) at 18. At 19, I moved back home. At 20, I was pregnant with ds. ;)

 

But that's more about overall lifestyle than just "living at home". I would think that families who choose to keep dds home for specific morality/lifestyle reasons incorporate specific values and rules that go well beyond the idea of simply residing at home.

 

Not that I believe that makes for any sort of guarantee at all, but I do think it's a big difference.

 

As a long-term sahm (going on 9 years!), I value the knowledge that I *can* live on my own without a man - a concept that terrified my mother when my father left after 19 years. Still, she figured it out!

 

Personally, I think it's good to spend some time completely independent, but I wouldn't call it NECESSARY. I do intend to let my dds (and dss) decide for themselves, so long as they're not 29 and stinking up my couch or anything. ;)

[angela in ohio]

I don't think it's ideal for anyone to live alone, but especially our daughters.

 

We don't have a "rule" about it, or about any other things in that area. We don't feel we need to. We have raised dc with our beliefs, and we have no reason to believe that they won't continue to follow them. We offer them an appropriately increasing amount of freedom and resonsibility, so that they won't need to leave to "break free from mom and dad" when they are 18 yo. By then, we will have been treating them as grown women for years.

 

Honestly, I am dismayed at how hostile to women our culture is (I sort of sound like a feminist there, don't I? :D) So many men are predatory, and I think living at home offers extra protection to young girls (18 to 20-something) who may not yet have the experience to fend them off. They will have two experienced adults with them for a period of time each day, keeping an eye on their lifestyle and offering counsel. So for us, it's not about the girls not learning to be independent, it's about practical matters: finances and safety. We recently moved, and a key consideration was access to several universities of all sizes and types within a short drive.

 

I think it is a great idea for a son to live at home for a few years after graduation for financial reasons, but I would be okay with ds starting to set up a home for his family a bit before he is married.

Edited June 23, 2010 by angela in ohio

[AHASRADA]

Dh and I were married at 18 and 21, and lived with my parents for the first 3 years of our marriage while we finished college.

 

I have never regretted any of those choices, never felt I wished I had spent time totally on my own. Dh and I were both young enough, that we were both starting out on our own, but together. It's not like I was dependent on him, moving into his already-established place, etc. Looking back, I am so grateful that I was in a stable relationship during my "bloom of youth", likely avoiding a lot of problems and heartache.

 

I would prefer both of my dc attend a college close enough to home that they could commute, or at least stay with family closeby, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. As for after college, hmm. Hadn't thought that much about it. I guess I would hope both of my kids would be married by 24 at the latest. It would be great if they could be at home in those interim years, but I wouldn't be totally opposed to them living with roommates who share the same values/morals.

[KnitWit]

We know a handful of families who hold to this view and they have all been strongly influenced by teachings from Vision Forum, the Botkin family particularly, on daughters remaining home until married. This includes remaining home from college. So, to the OP, there is a BROAD range of views on this.

 

I don't hold to it, my dd is moving into a dorm in less than two months.

[Mejane]

I find it interesting that anyone thinks they can "require" an adult to do anything. Suggest, yes. Require, no.

 

I lived at home until I was 24, but came and went as I pleased. I now think it was unfair to my parents; I should have gone off on my own. My daughter will probably be gone by the time she's 18. She's a dancer and wants to join a company. Were we to "require" her to live at home until she married, she could not. That's a bit self-serving, imo.

[The Girls' Mom]

We aren't demanding it, but we are encouraging it. It just makes sense financially. And if they do not get married, then I hope they stay home long enough to be financially stable before moving out.

 

FWIW, I never have lived on my own except for a very brief 2 month period of marriage trouble and even then I had kids. I don't really feel like I missed out on anything.

[dansamy]

I'm not sure why this thread popped up today. I posted it almost a year ago. And I had completely forgotton that I ever posted it! Weird.:confused::confused::confused:

 

I bumped it because I thought it was interesting and wanted to read people's responses :)

 

We have a thread necromancer at work! :D

[Julie in CA]

Let me explain one perspective, and then I'll explain my own perspective and what I really believe...

 

In Biblical times, a woman was viewed as either being under the protection of her father, or being under the protection of her husband. I don't view that as a mistrust regarding feminine morals, but a reflection of the reality that women (especially young ones) are often "easy prey" because of the physical and emotional aggression of men. A variety of social movements (most notably women's lib) deny the reality that there are physical differences, and yes, even mental differences, that leave women less-well-prepared to defend themselves should the need arise. At this point we rely on civil laws to equalize men and women, but truthfully, I can be honest about the fact that my teenage dd's are no physical match for my teenage ds's, and I don't necessarily view civil laws as being especially great at preventing episodes of male aggression. I agree with the idea that it's better for young women especially to have a "defender", whether that upsets the women's libbers or not. Another Biblical component is the fact that typically it's men who do battle, and for that reason God equipped them with the emotional component that allows them to be better prepared mentally and physically for independent and fearless living (theoretically!). In other words, they have been created specifically to *not* be sheltered, and to fulfill their role as head-of-household and protector of women, children, and the weak or downtrodden.

 

Now, to better explain my own perspective, let me add a few things. In our house, young men and young women alike are welcome to stay (notice I didn't say *required* to stay). They don't remain "children", but gradually transition to a different and more adult role. They are expected to become independent adults who live here and contribute in a variety of ways. If they seem to be straying from Biblical morals, they will be corrected, not as children who are required to be obedient to parents, but as fellow adults who delight in obedience to the Lord.

 

I think what makes a big difference is the fact that my almost-adults are happy here, glad for our daily family interaction, and choose to live in a family atmosphere regardless of whether or not they've married. It's not that they cannot function as independent adults in their own place, it's that they place a strong value on the benefits of a family-centered lifestyle, and choose to live that way rather than on their own, in a way that promotes more of a self-centered attitude, with less emphasis on serving and caring for others.

 

There are two ways of viewing adult children living at home. One way views it as restrictive or a symptom of maladjustment. The other view is that my dc are extremely well-adjusted, and are making a mature choice to stick with one of the best and brightest blessings of life--family...until they make their own family (or not). :001_smile:

[Carol in Cal.]

In Biblical times, a woman was viewed as either being under the protection of her father, or being under the protection of her husband. I don't view that as a mistrust regarding feminine morals, but a reflection of the reality that women (especially young ones) are often "easy prey" because of the physical and emotional aggression of men. A variety of social movements (most notably women's lib) deny the reality that there are physical differences, and yes, even mental differences, that leave women less-well-prepared to defend themselves should the need arise. At this point we rely on civil laws to equalize men and women, but truthfully, I can be honest about the fact that my teenage dd's are no physical match for my teenage ds's, and I don't necessarily view civil laws as being especially great at preventing episodes of male aggression. I agree with the idea that it's better for young women especially to have a "defender", whether that upsets the women's libbers or not.

 

.

 

 

....the issue of downside risk. In Biblical times, a woman not being a virgin at marriage was a life-threatening downside risk. Nowadays that is not true. So the need for absolute protection was very different, socially, than it is now. And the double standard was likewise much more in play then than now.

[Parrothead]

I'm not requiring dd to stay at home until marriage. I don't think I have the right to require her to do anything once she reaches adulthood.

 

I will suggest she live with us until she has a stable nest egg and can financially support herself. This may be when she marries, or it may not be. We won't be requiring her to marry either.

 

My parents were of the belief that when the kids each hit 18 it was time for them to go. They did allow me to stay while I was going to CC, but once I finished it was time for me to go.

 

I've not been out of debt since. I'm looking at a more stable model for dd's future.

[HappyatHome]

Okay, I have three homeschool graduates. They are active on a Home School Alumni forum and have been actively discussing this the whole courtship, marriage, parental involvement in that area subject. My ds (23 years old and not yet married) sent me this link:

 

It is amusing:

 

http://nogirlleftbehind.99k.org/index.html

 

It is very interesting to observe homeschooled alumni digest, reflect, and evaluate their experiences being homeschooled.

[Truscifi]

I think there is value in living on one's own, for men and women. I acknowledge that women are typically smaller and physically weaker than men, but if a woman plans to live on her own she should prepare for that by getting appropriate training in self defense. As for mental differences, I think that varies from person to person. All the women I know are more than willing to defend themselves and are not at all worried about hurting someone who is trying to hurt them.

 

I moved to a different state and lived on my own in a big city after I graduated college. I didn't get into any trouble, and I know that I can take care of myself and deal with any issues that come up.

 

OTOH, my BIL went away to college, then moved back in with his parents after graduation. He contributed to the household, both financially and by doing chores and such, and was also able to save a good nest egg. When he met a girl and fell in love he was in a position to pay for a nice honeymoon and buy a house with her without any burden on either set of parents or the typical newlywed financial strain. So I guess there are benefits either way.

[HollyDay]

My dc are still to young for us to make a plan. But, interestingly enough, this concept has come up quite a bit this summer. I know several families (homeschool and otherwise) whose dc have remained at home post high school graduation. Often it is a question of economics. It is cheaper to live at home and attend the local college or university. It is cheaper to live at home while working. Some 18 year old high school graduates I know have moved out of the parent's house but into the house of older relatives who live closer to their school or work of choice. One young lady is still living at home while working full time in order to help a family member who has been sick. It can work.

[lllll]

..

Edited January 2, 2013 by ksva

[stripe]

I think there are also certain financial benefits to living at home. I recently heard a report about Asian-American young people in NYC who are in much a stronger financial position because they live at home, rather than on their own, as is "normal" for many other groups.

 

It doesn't have to be about keeping girls home (as opposed to boys) or monitoring their behavior, as much as helping them grow up and save money.

[angela in ohio]

There are two ways of viewing adult children living at home. One way views it as restrictive or a symptom of maladjustment. The other view is that my dc are extremely well-adjusted, and are making a mature choice to stick with one of the best and brightest blessings of life--family...until they make their own family (or not). :001_smile:

 

Well said.

 

I also think it's interesting that the question was about "believing" NOT "requiring," but that is what some people respond to. I don't know anyone who has required their dc to stay at home until marriage, but I know plenty of families who believe it is best, and their dc of that age stay at home because they agree.

[*********]

Very intersting topic, and one of much discussion in our household lately.

 

First of all, many (all?) of the families in our homechurch encourage both their daughters and sons to stay at home until marriage. They do NOT encourage the girls to go to college, and I believe most of the young men are encouraged to learn a skilled trade (carpentry, heating/cooling, etc.). I imagine if one of the young men wanted to get a degree, he would be encouraged to go to a school where he could live at home. Not sure about that, I haven't discussed that with any of the families.

 

On Mother's Day, one of the other women in our homechurch shared a 'word' for the young ladies, encouraging them NOT to pursue a career, but to stay home and pursue marraige and having a family. Let's just say, that didn't sit all that well with dh and I, as it goes directly against the apostle Paul's teachings on preferring to stay single. But I digress... :tongue_smilie:

 

My dsd has a strong desire to go 'away' to college. She wants to move away from this area, see the world so to speak. That's her; not a big surprise to the family at all. She is VERY mature, and I think by the time she actually leaves, she'll be prepared for it. Plus, she's talking about moving to an area of the country where dh's sister lives, so there'd be someone there to 'keep a eye on her', and help her out with everyday things.

 

However, dsd does not share the same religous/worldviews and dh and I do.

 

I think dh and I will encourage our boys to just follow whatever they feel the Lord has for them. That may be college, that may be moving to a remote jungle to preach the gospel. Whatever it is, we encourage them to do it with much prayer. I'd love it if the boys lived at home until they were married, but that may not be what God has planned for them. And I will do my utmost to encourage them to follow the Lord in their lives.

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

I have absolutely no problem with every family doing whatever works for them, but I do have to admit that it always surprises me to hear words like "daughters under the protection of the father . . . protection of the husband" it makes me cringe a little. I guess I'm one of those crazy liberal feminists who believes that a woman doesn't need to be "protected," by anyone, but that's just me :lol:.

 

Do those of this viewpoint feel that women should not live on their own, work, volunteer, or otherwise experience life as an independent individual before settling down with a husband and having children? That surprises me.

 

What happens if the daughter doesn't wish to marry right away? What happens if she decides not to marry at all? Is the only acceptable path for a daughter marriage and children? Is she not allowed to be career oriented?

 

I don't have a daughter of my own but my spouse has a daughter who has settled down extremely early in life (3 kids and a live-in boyfriend at age 20), and I have to admit that I do wish she had waited a few years to experience life on her own without so many family responsibilities. But she seems to be happy with her life, and I guess that's really all that matters. Actually she's an adult, so I guess what I think really doesn't matter at all, does it?

 

I've already told my son that he can stay here as long as he wants to as long as he is either working or attending school. Slackers are not welcome. I do understand having the option of staying home, but I guess it's the REQUIRING that surprises me and the fact that it seems more targeted at the daughters than the sons.

 

Very interesting.

Edited June 23, 2010 by TejasMamacita
Typo . . . there's probably many more. ;-)

[angela in ohio]

Do those of this viewpoint feel that women should not live on their own, work, volunteer, or otherwise experience life as an independent individual before settling down with a husband and having children? That surprises me.

 

I don't know why you'd need to live on your own to work, volunteer, and experience life? :confused: My 14 yo dd does those things now, and she certainly isn't living on her own. :D

 

I know we aren't of the traditional group who believes this, so maybe someone else will answer, too. But for us it's about practicality. We all contribute to our household, and we will continue to do so until dc go make a new household, though we would hope to still cooperate and contribute to each other's households. IMHO, the model of extended families living near each other and supporting each other, found in other cultures, is superior.

 

I'm not influenced by Vision Forum, but I will admit to being influnced by Edith Schaeffer in this area. :001_smile:

Edited June 23, 2010 by angela in ohio

[Mejane]

What happens if the daughter doesn't wish to marry right away? What happens if she daughter decides not to marry at all?

 

 

I never planned to marry, and didn't until I was 33. I think my parents would have been plenty sick of me by then (and vice versa.) ;)

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

I don't know why you'd need to live on your own to work, volunteer, and experience life? :confused: My 14 yo dd does those things now, and she certainly isn't living on her own. :D

 

Yeah, I hear what you're saying.

 

I guess I didn't word my question correctly. Let me try it again.

 

I don't have a biological daughter who I've raised from birth . . . so I know my view may be different from Mothers of daughters. Having a son, I would want him to settle down with a woman who has already had her own life experiences rather than someone going from "daughter" to "wife." I want him to find someone who has discovered her "womanhood" on her own for a while. I want him to be a "partner" rather than a "protector." I know that isn't a popular mindset, but it's the one I have.

 

I also know that I have NO CONTROL WHATSOEVER about what will happen, this is all my theory in my head. :lol:

[CLHCO]

 

In Biblical times, a woman was viewed as either being under the protection of her father, or being under the protection of her husband. I don't view that as a mistrust regarding feminine morals, but a reflection of the reality that women (especially young ones) are often "easy prey" because of the physical and emotional aggression of men. A variety of social movements (most notably women's lib) deny the reality that there are physical differences, and yes, even mental differences, that leave women less-well-prepared to defend themselves should the need arise.

 

 

:iagree:

 

I will add that I do not think it wise for young men or women to live alone in today's day and age if they, by their own choices due to their faith, would like to remain pure in thought and deed. The fact is, the culture, media, and everything around us is constantly trying to snare teens and young adults away from purity, not towards it. I am not in the camp that thinks independent living is ideal. We are humans and meant to live in relationships and communities.

 

It's not even best for a young man to live alone. Apprenticing under another can be a good thing, as can even going to college when there are others there he can be mutually accountable towards.

 

I see no reason why a girl must stay at home either, but I do believe it is wise for young women to not necessarily look for "independence", but instead to align herself with those of a similar belief for mutual support/protection. Family is often best for this, however, she may have an elderly aunt in another city she chooses to board with, help with the house, and take some courses from some school in the area that are of interest while doing so. Perhaps helping under the guidance of a missionary family they support too. I can't say I'm a fan of 1000 miles away at a dorm full of strangers as the best thing is all. There are principles to consider, but I get cranky at one-size-fits-all rules.

 

That said, my daughters have to stay at home. I need my guitar and banjo players. :tongue_smilie:

[Jean in Newcastle]

I left home and was 3000 miles away from home when I was 17. I got into major trouble. I don't regret learning to be independent in things like completing college assignments, basic money skills, etc.

 

I do regret not having anyone to go to when I was homeless during one vacation (the person who invited me to come stay with them decided to change their plans without even telling me. I had nowhere to go for over a day. Finally a police officer put me up with his sister.) I also got into deep deep trouble because of naivete. Now I think that my parents should have trained me much better before I left, but I think if they had been close, then perhaps that would have helped me. This was in the dark ages before e-mail or even easy trans-atlantic phone calls.

 

What I plan with both my kids (boy and girl). Teaching them well so that they might be inexperienced or even innocent in some areas which are for married people, but not naive. Be there as a mentor for them even if they are not physically living in our home.

[sunflowerlady]

Honestly, I have mixed feelings about this. I am training my dd in a way that reflects what we believe. That is-a woman's highest calling is to be a wife and keeper at home. At the same time, I am doing it in a way that she will be broadly educated and able to enter college or the workforce if that is her choice or a necessity.

 

The teachings of not sending a dd off to college are interesting to me and in some ways resonate with my values. However, I also fully realize that I do not know what God has in store for her regarding marriage. She may not marry until she is older.

 

When dd is 18, she is free to move out anytime she chooses, of course. She will be responsible for how she lives her life and for any choices she makes whether good or bad.

 

We are considering a Christian college if the Lord leads that way and provides the funds.

[Melora in NC]

Okay, I have three homeschool graduates. They are active on a Home School Alumni forum and have been actively discussing this the whole courtship, marriage, parental involvement in that area subject. My ds (23 years old and not yet married) sent me this link:

 

It is amusing:

 

http://nogirlleftbehind.99k.org/index.html

 

It is very interesting to observe homeschooled alumni digest, reflect, and evaluate their experiences being homeschooled.

 

The web site you linked made me laugh! Loved the scarlett "P" for shaming picky girls.

[fairfarmhand]

What I plan with both my kids (boy and girl). Teaching them well so that they might be inexperienced or even innocent in some areas which are for married people, but not naive. Be there as a mentor for them even if they are not physically living in our home.

 

:iagree:

 

I think it is beneficial for people of either gender to have a time of independence. You never appreciate what you have (at home with mom and dad or as a married couple) as much as when you have had to go without it.

 

For the record, I went from mommy and daddy's house to marriage with no intervening independent time and those first few years of marriage were made doubly difficult by the fact that I had no appreciation of doing things on my own. My dh did not want me to see him as a parent role and I needed to do a little growing up.

 

I will not tell my kids they need to leave at 18, but I will guide them toward having an independent life and having the life skills to make it without mom and dad or a spouse to pick up their slack. That's just wise parenting in my opinion. If they are only behaving in a moral manner because mom and dad are there to "keep an eye on them" I will feel like a failure. I want them to internalize their beliefs and put up safeguards to keep themselves from failing.

[Julie in CA]

Having a son, I would want him to settle down with a woman who has already had her own life experiences rather than someone going from "daughter" to "wife."

I think maybe the difference between your thoughts and mine is that I don't view it as going from daughter to wife, but rather from daughter, to fully-functioning adult, to (possible) wife. There's a transition there, where the child becomes a fully autonomous (why does the spelling look wrong on that? :tongue_smilie:) adult, regardless of where they live. Just as an example, if my older sister moved in with us for a time, she wouldn't become my "child". She'd be herself, an adult, living with me, an adult. We would function as a family, but as equals, kwim? That's what's happening with my dc. It's not forced, and doesn't denote weakness, but a preference for a family lifestyle.

[TravelingChris]

I find it a very helpful transition for our children to go to college. It is a semi-independent way of living. The same would be true if they enlisted in the military since at least in the beginning, it would also be a semi-independent way. My plan originally was to send kids to college, and then have them live independently afterwards.

[T'smom]

:iagree:

 

I think it is beneficial for people of either gender to have a time of independence. You never appreciate what you have (at home with mom and dad or as a married couple) as much as when you have had to go without it.

 

For the record, I went from mommy and daddy's house to marriage with no intervening independent time and those first few years of marriage were made doubly difficult by the fact that I had no appreciation of doing things on my own. My dh did not want me to see him as a parent role and I needed to do a little growing up.

 

I will not tell my kids they need to leave at 18, but I will guide them toward having an independent life and having the life skills to make it without mom and dad or a spouse to pick up their slack. That's just wise parenting in my opinion. If they are only behaving in a moral manner because mom and dad are there to "keep an eye on them" I will feel like a failure. I want them to internalize their beliefs and put up safeguards to keep themselves from failing.

 

 

I don't know how to only quote part of a post, but it's the 2nd paragraph that I'm responding to. This is such an interesting perspective, because my thoughts are exactly the opposite! I lived at home for a year after college because I couldn't find a 'real' job. So, I worked 2 part-time jobs. It was a fine experience, but at the time, I was very upset that I couldn't live on my own. My parents, especially my dad, told me practically every day that they were so glad that I was there and they treasured the extra time with me, etc. Then when I got a 'real' job, I moved out on my own about an hour from my parents. I LOVED living alone. LOVED it. My parents were not overbearing, but it was soooo nice to have everything exactly the way I wanted it. I lived alone for about 2 years before getting married. There was a major adjustment period for both of us, but especially me, because I was so used to having things exactly the way I wanted! He was to, to some extent- but he's not as obsessed with things as I am. I think it would have been easier to go from my parents house or living with roommates to being married....you don't feel that loss of freedom as acutely! I guess it does bear mentioning that I didn't have any problems living on my own- I never needed to 'defend' myself against anyone (I know that was the luck of the draw) I was financially responsible, etc.

[angela in ohio]

I think maybe the difference between your thoughts and mine is that I don't view it as going from daughter to wife, but rather from daughter, to fully-functioning adult, to (possible) wife. There's a transition there, where the child becomes a fully autonomous (why does the spelling look wrong on that? :tongue_smilie:) adult, regardless of where they live. Just as an example, if my older sister moved in with us for a time, she wouldn't become my "child". She'd be herself, an adult, living with me, an adult. We would function as a family, but as equals, kwim? That's what's happening with my dc. It's not forced, and doesn't denote weakness, but a preference for a family lifestyle.

 

This is a good point. I don't think being able to take care of oneself, which is what I assume by the term independence, depends on where one lives. For example, living in a dorm, which many people consider indpendence is actually not that independent. We had RAs and curfews and mandatory educational sessions on life choices, and we weren't responsible for feeding ourselves or paying the bills.

 

Preference for a family lifestyle... that's a great way to put it! :001_smile:

[Rosy]

It is common in families that hold to a more patriarchal approach to believe that a woman needs to be under the direct authority of either her father or her husband, which means living at home until marriage and eschewing higher education or a career in favor of preparing to be a wife and mother. Someone mentioned Vision Forum, I would imagine Bill Gothard and Michael Pearl (and maybe the Duggars?) would probably be others who support this idea--if you google them you might get more of an explanation. For families who hold these beliefs, there often isn't a "why"--it's a part of their overall belief system and understanding of the Bible that it is right for a woman to be under the direct authority of a man at all times.

Edited June 23, 2010 by Rosy

[stripe]

There is also an assumption that those living at home are living as children, i.e. not responsibly. I know people who live with their parents (including married people!) who do in fact handle cooking, laundry, and other household chores; they are NOT still depending on their mother to cook and clean -- if anything, the mother is being taken care of. This is common in many places in the world.

[Julie in CA]

It is common in families that hold to a more patriarchal approach to believe that a woman needs to be under the direct authority of either her father or her husband, which means living at home until marriage and eschewing higher education or a career in favor of preparing to be a wife and mother.

It's probably worth mentioning though, that there's a range of beliefs. In the case of my family, for instance, my children living at home does not mean that they will not receive higher education, have a career, have high aspirations and personal ambitions. It isn't a trade-off. My dd's (or sons, for that matter), can live at home, enjoy family life, while still pursuing their goals that may or may not include higher education according to their own plans.

[lllll]

..

[lllll]

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[juelle]

Okay, I have three homeschool graduates. They are active on a Home School Alumni forum and have been actively discussing this the whole courtship, marriage, parental involvement in that area subject. My ds (23 years old and not yet married) sent me this link:

 

It is amusing:

 

http://nogirlleftbehind.99k.org/index.html

 

It is very interesting to observe homeschooled alumni digest, reflect, and evaluate their experiences being homeschooled.

 

:lol:

[Jan in SC]

Yes, I sometimes think this is the case from the comments I hear. Which couldn't be further from the truth, in our case. Our kids run the house and the property. And dh is teaching them (one at a time, slowly) to handle the money, and to work on the cars. He says he can't wait to turn over those things to dc.

 

Hey ... here's a thought. When dc get the above 2 things down, the tables could be turned, and people could start telling dc to kick dh and me out on our lazy rears, because .... (fill in the blank). :lol:

 

Anyway, it was actually a major adjustment for me when I turned everything over to dc several years ago. I was bored to death .... for about 2 seconds. :D

 

May I ask, without any snark, why your dc are being taught these things now. From your pp in this topic, you choose to have your dc at home with you, but based on their ages, I don't understand why they are being taught "slowly."

[Audrey]

It is common in families that hold to a more patriarchal approach to believe that a woman needs to be under the direct authority of either her father or her husband, which means living at home until marriage and eschewing higher education or a career in favor of preparing to be a wife and mother. Someone mentioned Vision Forum, I would imagine Bill Gothard and Michael Pearl (and maybe the Duggars?) would probably be others who support this idea--if you google them you might get more of an explanation. For families who hold these beliefs, there often isn't a "why"--it's a part of their overall belief system and understanding of the Bible that it is right for a woman to be under the direct authority of a man at all times.

 

 

Ah. That does explain a lot... of things.

[lllll]

..

[KnitWit]

Okay, I have three homeschool graduates. They are active on a Home School Alumni forum and have been actively discussing this the whole courtship, marriage, parental involvement in that area subject. My ds (23 years old and not yet married) sent me this link:

 

It is amusing:

 

http://nogirlleftbehind.99k.org/index.html

 

It is very interesting to observe homeschooled alumni digest, reflect, and evaluate their experiences being homeschooled.

 

AhHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Thank you so much for this!!!!

[gpsings]

Very interesting thread! I am learning so much! Thank you. :lurk5: