spinoff...pay-to-attend birthday party invitations

[caedmyn]

Would you consider it tacky to be invited to a activity birthday party where your kid had to pay to attend?  We've been invited to a few and I always feel a bit resentful that people are hosting parties and expecting the parents of the other kids to cover the costs.  Is it common in other places for this to happen?

 

 

 

Edited March 8, 2017 by caedmyn

[Rachel]

That seems odd to me. We have gone to a ton of birthday parties and I've never seen a request to pay.

[Catwoman]

Wow. I think that's so tacky.

 

What's up with people wanting to have a party but trying to weasel their guests into paying for it? :glare:

Edited February 24, 2017 by Catwoman

[bettyandbob]

I hosted activity parties. These places list a cost person with a minimum (like 8 or 10). Hosting these parties is why I went to effort to track down RSVPs. I had to pay ahead for people to come. Those people who waited on calling in their RSVP drove me crazy. 

 

The thing is, if you invite someone you are supposed to pay. Those people are coming to celebrate your kid, so you are the host. This is not "hey, whoever wants to meet up, we'll be at the open studio at the pottery place next tuesday afternoon at 5."

 

Anyway, don't invite people to pay for your party. Ugh. 

 

Again, host the party you can afford, not the one you covet. 

[Guest]

If you're inviting people, you're paying as a general rule. Tacky tacky.

[TammyS]

I'd say tacky left this one in the rearview mirror.  Rude.

[Donna]

I think it's tacky to ask guests to pay to attend your child's birthday party. If I invite people to my child's celebration, I pay. If I cannot afford to pay for a fancy party, I'll have cake and games at my house.

[Caclcoca]

We have never had to pay to attend an event birthday party.  The only thing close was one time a friend had an event party on a week day afternoon. There was  a cost listed if siblings not invited to the party wanted to attend.  She made sure there was enough cake for all the kids, but she couldn't foot the bill for the party kid's friends and all of their siblings. I will say that the cost of these parties is the reason most of the parties that my kids had were at home.

[SparklyUnicorn]

that's just odd

 

 

[TravelingChris]

I have held some parties at venues and never had anybody pay for the entrance or the activity or anything.  If we invite people, we pay.  That includes our children too who we invite to concerts and restaurants.  Even though three of the adults we invite (we always invite son-in -law too)  do earn money and only our last kid is still a dependent, we still pay if we are inviting them.  

 

I really don't like this trend of so-called invitations which require money.  I will have to ask my children if they have heard of this happening because outside of the Hive, I haven't encountered it.

[Erica in OR]

It's happened to us once. My child was invited to one at a bounce house type place. He did go. The birthday child was a good friend, and the mom extended the invitation as gracefully as possible. They said no gifts. We did make a card to bring. I think we paid half the entrance fee.

 

Erica in OR

[Guest]

This is the main reason I have seldom done kid's parties at a venue. The only times I have done venue parties are where they don't have a tightly-controlled per-kid fee; I have done parties where you rent the venue and then you can have up to ---- number of people. Bowling, for instance. That way, siblings or younger cousins, etc. can tag along and play, too, without affecting the fee.

 

No way would I have a venue party and tell guests they had to pay. No way. That "buy a pizza" thing in the OP is horrifyingly tacky. Spring for the pizza yourself or don't say two words about your kid's birthday.

[Wheres Toto]

We've never been to a party where they expected the guests to pay.  That seems very strange.  There are plenty of ways to have a birthday party without extreme costs, so if you can't afford an activity place, do it somewhere else.

[emmaluv+2more]

Add me to the pile that has never experienced this. I would politely decline an invite to a bday party for which I was asked to pay.

[Alicia64]

Never heard of this. Not okay in my book.

 

Alley

[Catwoman]

This is the main reason I have seldom done kid's parties at a venue. The only times I have done venue parties are where they don't have a tightly-controlled per-kid fee; I have done parties where you rent the venue and then you can have up to ---- number of people. Bowling, for instance. That way, siblings or younger cousins, etc. can tag along and play, too, without affecting the fee.

 

No way would I have a venue party and tell guests they had to pay. No way. That "buy a pizza" thing in the OP is horrifyingly tacky. Spring for the pizza yourself or don't say two words about your kid's birthday.

The pizza thing was bizarre. I try to be pleasant to people, but I think I would have made a not-so-nice comment to that mom.

 

Okay, I know I would have made a not-so-nice comment to that mom.

[gardenmom5]

Very tacky. The parents are cheap.

[Carol in Cal.]

We hosted a birthday party at a local park and zoo where we knew a lot of the invitees had memberships.  In the invitation we asked those who had memberships to kindly let us know so that we could order the right number of entry and parking permits.  Of course we brought all the food. 

[catz]

Whoa - super tacky IMO.  I would decline unless it was a super close friend. 

[Artichoke]

Tacky, tacky, tacky!    We adults have to realize and accept that it's okay to have a party that we can afford to give our children.  There is absolutely  nothing wrong with a simple party that gives guests a warm and hospitable  time.   There is nothing that says it  has to be costly. 

[HSmomof2]

Wow. I think that's so tacky.

 

What's up with people wanting to have a party but trying to weasel their guests into paying for it? :glare:

^^ITA.....thankfully, I haven't encountered any of this. It's so rude.

[poppy]

Never had that happen to me.  I'd be very put off.

 

Venue parties are expensive.  If you don't want to pay , or can't pay, just do something cheaper. It's not hard.

[momacacia]

Bake cake. Serve juice and carrot sticks. Kids play in backyard or in basement with dollhouse. Really, if you can't afford to pay for the activity don't do it. And little ankle-biters shouldn't expect anything more and should be content with just this for their birthdays. Sheesh! :glare:

[Guest]

I am all about being a hostess. I PAY.

 

That said, I can see this: we would love to invite to celebrate our kid's birthday at a party. Instead of a gift, would you mind bringing $5 to cover the cost of renting the gym, so the kids can have a fantastic time together? We hope you can join us!

 

$5 is less than any bd present and it might be of help in dealing with clutter control and/or present envy.

 

I could actually deal with that one, if it we're something of a shared experience present.

[SKL]

So far I haven't seen anything like that.  :)

[Farrar]

For some reason, I'm less put out by this than the baby shower thing, though I still think it's not cool. Maybe it doesn't bother me quite as much because sometimes we get "invited" to go somewhere that costs. Like, hey, I want to take the kids climbing on such and such a day and they'd like to go with their friends. Want to do it too? It's such and such amount. That feels fine to me. It's definitely not the same when it's a birthday, but I guess I can see how some people are a bit tone deaf and really don't get that.

[OneStepAtATime]

I have not had that happen.  What I have seen happen is the invitation to a venue bday makes it clear that there might be extras they won't cover but can be done for $$ or maybe siblings are allowed but it will cost $$ for the sibling to come.  The party itself is covered for those invited.

 

Now just a group gathering, that's different, but when you invite people to a birthday party it seems pretty unfair to choose a location that you can't afford and expect guests to foot the bill.  

 

The pizza thing was just plain wrong, though.  I sympathize with having limited funds but that is super tacky/rude and potentially hurtful.  

 

I do think this isn't quite to the level of the lets make all guests foot an equal amount of the baby shower bill but still tacky.

[SeaConquest]

On the flip side, we love hosting big event bdays. This year, it was indoor skydiving. Last year, it was a day at an amusement park. But, what is up with people showing up with their 4 children, and expecting us to pay for them all. It's one thing to ask to bring a young sibling, but the whole family?

[gardenmom5]

I would just say " sorry, can't make it.  have a nice time."

 

it may be cultural - or it may be plain tacky.  (or unadulterated greed.   invite more people who bring more loot without paying to host them.)

[abba12]

I'm more ok with the birthday thing because I know I, and my friends, will never be able to afford one of those super expensive event birthdays but sometimes it is nice to do more than a cake at home. I've both done it and been invited by fellow low-income friends. But it's all about how you word it.

 

There's a difference between 'We're having a birthday party at ice skating rink! $20 to attend' written on a birthday invite, and calling a friend to say 'child is going ice skating for their birthday this year, and thought it would be fun to see if anyone else wants to come on the same day'. 

 

There's a difference between 'child can't have a party so bring $5 if you want pizza at youth' and 'we're having a pizza party at youth tonight in honour of so-and-so's birthday, can everyone bring $5 to contribute to the youth funds, can't wait to see you!' The latter was actually a regular occurrence at my teen youth group, we did pizza parties every few months, always a bring $5 situation, and some of the hungrier boys were directly asked to bring $10 lol! All in good humour, it was phrased as a youth group event in honour of X, not an X event invading youth group and potentially excluding people. The youth leaders knew which kids genuinely couldn't bring $5 for pizza and those kids always ate anyway.  

[Guest]

See, here's the deal. I had a bd party for my kid at a gym because on his August bd it poured buckets. So I called a gym and they had a space for us. I still remember the kids having a ball--every one of the. I have nobidea what gifts The brought. Can't remember.

 

Now two of those kids are dead.

 

One suicide and one maybe maybe not. We shall never know. But I still remember w's face on the bouncy house and c's face on the slide. No idea what presents they brought. So this colors my view.

 

My son is 21.5.

[GoodGrief]

My youngest was invited to attend a horse riding birthday party...cost was $100. Do I win anything? ;-)

[TechWife]

Yes, it's tacky. Guests are just that - guests. As such they should have their expenses paid by thei hosts.

[bettyandbob]

My youngest was invited to attend a horse riding birthday party...cost was $100. Do I win anything? ;-)

You were asked to pay $100 to attend the child's party?

 

Yuck!

 

I have never heard of a stable having parties in the first place. That sounds awful for the horses. Hyped up kids playing laser tag, hyped up kids on trampolines, OK. Hyped up kids around horses, NO.

[kroe1]

A casual invitation by word of mouth, "we're all getting together at Cheers to celebrate Amy's birthday", to me means buy your own and chip in for Amy's. But, formal invitations, even if sent by social media, means the host pays. The end.

[Guest]

I am all about being a hostess. I PAY.

 

That said, I can see this: we would love to invite to celebrate our kid's birthday at a party. Instead of a gift, would you mind bringing $5 to cover the cost of renting the gym, so the kids can have a fantastic time together? We hope you can join us!

 

$5 is less than any bd present and it might be of help in dealing with clutter control and/or present envy.

 

I could actually deal with that one, if it we're something of a shared experience present.

But this is still presuming the guests were giving the child a gift and what the price range would be.

 

One thing I have done when my kids were very young: took pictures and brought cupcakes to a gym event that we already attended every week. So I made it a "by the way, it's M's birthday. Have a cupcake if you like" party. But in those cases, the parents were not spending any money they weren't already spending and nobody is being pressured into buying anything.

[bettyandbob]

A casual invitation by word of mouth, "we're all getting together at Cheers to celebrate Amy's birthday", to me means buy your own and chip in for Amy's. But, formal invitations, even if sent by social media, means the host pays. The end.

Yes.

 

I'd add I think this is best used for a bunch of co-workers putting together a casual after work thing or teens setting up a gathering autonomously or similar situation. It makes less sense for the under 10 yo bd party where parents are calling the shots about who to invite and whether to attend. For the younger set there may be some wording that works as a pp described earlier.

[Rebel Yell]

On the flip side, we love hosting big event bdays. This year, it was indoor skydiving. Last year, it was a day at an amusement park. But, what is up with people showing up with their 4 children, and expecting us to pay for them all. It's one thing to ask to bring a young sibling, but the whole family?

  

Whether an expensive event or a cheap one, that is easily fixed by addding something like "If siblings and other family members wish to attend, a group rate is available for $??.00 each"

 

When I had my very-low budget McDonalds playplace birthday party I paid for each child guest. I also bought a few extra 20 piece nuggets for the parents to share, and gave each parent or sibling $2 in McD gift certificates (back when they were like little paper dollar bills) to put toward whatever they wanted. I absolutely could not afford to have everybody order SuperSize megaMac meals, but I wanted to provide something. They could get a value sized fries and drink on me, or use it toward a bigger meal. Everyone was thrilled, and I had the party we could afford, since I was 8mos pg and had zero indoor space in my home to host toddler friends and parents in winter.

 

 

My youngest was invited to attend a horse riding birthday party...cost was $100. Do I win anything? ;-)

It depends. How old was the birthday child? If they were 5 or younger, theat parent wins the prize for "Craziest Party Parent" at least. ;)

[Bluegoat]

I hate this.  I agree with those who said that with a friend, this can work as a more casual type of invitation to do something together.

 

I wonder if sometimes the size of parties is related?  I've been encouraging my kids to invite one or two, maybe three kids.  We can have supper or a sleepover, or even go to a movie or other more expensive venue, without it being over the top - the house can hold that many kids and it also isn't too expensive if we go out.  What I've found is that they seem to enjoy it as much if not more.

 

But in some social groups this seems to be not acceptable - I know a lot of kids in elementary schools and even preschools where they are expected to invite the whole class.  This is a lot different than what I considered the normal rule of thumb that you invite about the number of kids as the child's age.  And many people don't have room at home for 25, or even 15, and can't spring for a venue for so many.  Plus siblings potentially, some people seem to assume they are invited.

 

My dd12 had a rather sad instance of being invited to a party where we were expected to pay.  She went deep sea fishing with her dad, and was asked to come back the next weekend for the party of the daughter of the lady who worked on the boat.  They went, and discovered that they were going to have to pay for themselves - $60 each!  What was a little heartbreaking was the little girl couldn't figure out why none of her school friends had come.  And I think the parents felt like they were being avoided for reasons of class prejudice.

[bettyandbob]

On the flip side, we love hosting big event bdays. This year, it was indoor skydiving. Last year, it was a day at an amusement park. But, what is up with people showing up with their 4 children, and expecting us to pay for them all. It's one thing to ask to bring a young sibling, but the whole family?

Again rude. People should known the invite is for the name on the invite.

[poppy]

I would ABSOLUTELY do a meetup if asked by a friend for her kid.  It's the formal invite that kills it, or being "1 out of 15 kids" versus a couple of actual buddies.

[poppy]

On the flip side, we love hosting big event bdays. This year, it was indoor skydiving. Last year, it was a day at an amusement park. But, what is up with people showing up with their 4 children, and expecting us to pay for them all. It's one thing to ask to bring a young sibling, but the whole family?

 

 

I've seen "You invite one or your invite none" here sometimes but I personally don't get it.

  Do people not think about how many slices of cake, or goody bags? Or should every host prepare for a carnival of people?

 

 

I have thrown about 8 venue parties over the years for my 2 kids.  The most I've ever had happen is someone ask if there is room to bring a sibling if the parent pays for the sibling.  I have zero problem with that, if the parent is OK with a "sorry, we can't" (which thankfully i've never had to do).  People tend to ask apologetically and it's usually about not having a sitter for that time.

[Dmmetler]

I assume that if I invite, as opposed to "we're doing this, want to meet us there?" I pay. I do admit that I've scaled down birthday parties because of the expectation in my local homeschool community that if one kid is invited, the entire family is. That adds up fast.

 

Having said that, it's not uncommon for a kid to be allowed to invite a friend on a family trip as a birthday present here-and if my DD were to go to one of those trips, I would ask the parent how much money I should send for DD, and make sure she has that amount plus enough extra to allow her to offer to pay for everyone for dinner one night or something.