So, what would you do if an older neighbor kid whallopped your kid?

[LisaKinVA]

First, I wasn't there... didn't see or hear anything that happened, so I can't qualify statements made by my son.

 

Second, my son isn't the "physical" sort. He is the only child I have who didn't go through that "hitting, biting" stage around 2-4. He's my calm, extremely sensitive and thoughtful child.

 

So, when he came home in tears last night after going to a "friends" house, I was angry. But I didn't call the mom right away. I wanted to try to figure out how to deal with this (as I've never been in this position before).

 

My son's cheek and jaw are swollen, he has marks on his neck from the 12yo's choking, and took some body blows to his torso and private areas.

 

I was all set to approach this from a fairly non-chalant, "concern" approach -- and then, this morning, as I quiz him on the details, he tells me that he TOLD the boys' mother that the older son was hitting him (he was finally allowed to leave). The mom responded, "boys, please be polite." :confused:

 

I understand she was on her way somewhere, maybe she didn't get what my kid was telling her. Maybe she was thinking "boys will be boys" type of rough-housing. But this wasn't. This was a big boy picking on a boy 3 years younger, both physically and verbally, and another boy my son's age looking on.

 

The older boy has told my son that he hangs out with bullies -- but they don't bother him, and has taunted, teased, and tried to get physical with my boys before (he was forced by his parents to apologize to my 5yo, after making really mean comments after an accident he had... which I'm sure he resented).

 

So now what. The mom knows, so what's the point of informing her? My son doesn't want to have anything to do with the boys any more, so unless they come over here (and get sent home!), or do something to my kiddos in the street -- should I just let this go?

 

What is proper "Mamma" etiquette here?

 

(oh, on the good side, ds no longer wants to go to public school because of this experience...and my dh and I are thinking about putting all of the children in Marshal Arts class too).

 

I've never had to deal with this situation before...

 

Thank you.

 

Lisa

[LG Gone Wild]

Go to the Mom and speak with her and bully boy. Promise legal action/police action if it occurs again.

[Remudamom]

With a swollen cheek and jaw, and marks on the neck I'd take pictures and report it to the police. That's what I'd tell you to do, living in town/neighborhood.

 

Out here in the middle of nowhere, I'd bust the kid's butt, be in the mom's face and probably get in trouble myself.

[SonshineLearner]

First of all, not a lot that I know to say, except...I'd document it. I'd take pics and such and then figure out what else to document it. You can throw away the pics later, but you can't recapture the pics if you don't take them. In case you need to go after them later for medical expenses. I'd probably take him into the dentist to have it looked at....

Carrie

(And, ok...I love People's Court...and there was just a case on there similar to yours....big problems....and the whole hitting in the privates ended up with bills, too!)

[elegantlion]

I would take your son and show the mother what kind of damage he inflicted on your son. If he doesn't want to go take pictures. There is a big difference between kids kicking at each other and one beating on another. Maybe she didn't realize what was really happening.

 

Either way I think she needs to realize that you find this behavior inexcusable and that is why her dc are no longer allowed to play with your dc.

[Aubrey]

Go to the Mom and speak with her and bully boy. Promise legal action/police action if it occurs again.

 

I"m so glad you said that. I'm a big-time overreactor, so I usually keep my mouth shut about things like this. But that means that when I *should* react (or suggest that someone else do so), I don't. Because I'm always worried it's too much.

 

Fwiw, though, I was thinking maybe she should call the police *this* time. So your tamed-down version is good.

 

OP--wow. I'm so sorry for you & your son! Hug that boy tight & maybe let mama bear do a little growling.

[Jen500]

 

My son's cheek and jaw are swollen, he has marks on his neck from the 12yo's choking, and took some body blows to his torso and private areas.

 

 

Lisa

 

Me? I would have called the police. It sounds like your son was assaulted.

I don't really know your relationship w/the neighbors though, and what really happened.

[Sophia]

I'd send dh over there to talk to the boy's dad.

 

If that's not possible, then I'd be over there to find out what happened.

[bettyandbob]

take pictures and contact police. If the marks are still there this is bad and warrants a call to the police.

[Catwoman]

I would absolutely take pictures to document the injuries and then contact the police report. This is far more serious than a few little swats -- your son could have been killed.

 

I am surprised you didn't take immediate action when you saw those marks and found out your son had been choked and severely beaten. Choking and beating are not something to ignore, and I'm sure this isn't the first time this boy has assaulted another child. This is a boy with serious issues, and he needs help before he does permanent damage to someone.

 

It's hard for me to imagine that his parents aren't aware of such a violent temper.

 

Cat

[Heather in the Kootenays]

I would definately take photos and document. I would go alone to the mom (with photos in my pocket). I'd say that my son said there were problems and her what she thinks happened.

 

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt - I know I've misunderstood what my kids have told me for a variety of reasons.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

take pictures and contact police. If the marks are still there this is bad and warrants a call to the police.

 

I highly recommend a class in martial arts. It's worth every penny. My oldest has defended himself on more than one occasion with a blocking move learned in karate. He has not had to harm the bully, but just let him know that he won't take a punch. This happened a a rec center during free play and would have gone unnoticed with the amount of kids there.

 

:grouphug:

 

K

[pqr]

Document it by all means but don't contact the police unless you have far more evidence.

 

A husband to husband talk should be the first step.

[Guest Alte Veste Academy]

I'd send dh over there to talk to the boy's dad.

 

If that's not possible, then I'd be over there to find out what happened.

 

This is what I would do because, frankly, I wouldn't be able to control myself verbally in this situation. This goes WAY beyond boys will be boys. I agree it would be useful to take DS to show how serious the injuries are but that puts him in a very uncomfortable place. Knowing the sensitive nature of my oldest DS, it's not something I would do to him. With the comfort of DH's presence though, it would bea good lesson in how to stand up for yourself. I don't know. I might opt to take pictures and let DH take them with him for his conversation with the boys' dad. And yes, he would tell them that if something like that ever happened again, we would call the police.

 

Although truly, DH and I might choose to call the police from the beginning. I also tend to overreact but this was abusive, not rough and tumble boy behavior. Choking could have killed your DS. But I'm not there and it might be one of those situations where I don't really know how I'm going to react unless it happened to us.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I would speak to her. Like you said, she probably just didn't get the extent to which this happened (or was happening). She's thinking boys rough housing. She needs to know that this went well beyond that.

 

I also would document the situation.

 

I'm less sure about the police. If it were just about one situation, I'd say no, but since there has been more than one issue....and the fact that it would be nice if there was formal documentation if someone needed to be forceful about making this family get help in the future...

[phathui5]

I'd talk to the child's mom before I call the police.

[LisaKinVA]

The physical injuries aren't severe. And, the marks on his neck are barely noticeable. His cheek is slightly swollen. I'm more concerned with the behavior than the injury (at least today). The parents were gone when my son got home -- so we couldn't really talk to them after it happened.

 

Neither my husband, nor I, have really ever been in this position. Well, my husband only went through this once, with a roommate at the Merchant Marine Academy... I always humbled my opponents with an "evil eye" and a large vocabulary :D.

 

We did tell our son, last night, that he was not to go there again (not that he wants to), and that if they came over here they would be sent home. And that if the boy(s) threatened him, or came after him physically again, we would call (son inserted the word "parents" and we said, no, the police"), and get a restraining order. My son was a bit shocked. I explained that this was assault, and it isn't allowed.

 

You guys are right, we have to speak to them -- their son is exhibiting dangerous behavior, which if not checked could seriously harm someone.

 

Lisa

[Jenn in Mo]

Do something. Let your son know, by watching how you respond to the perpetrators, that this is not acceptable. If your neighbor had assaulted an adult in this way, there would be no question of it being an assault. It is no different with a child. 12 years old is NOT 2 years old. I would go to the parents, not the police....this time. If a next time ever happened, the police would be involved. If at all possible, it would be good for your son to see his dad do the visit to the neighbor.

[JudoMom]

Absolutely take pictures. I would seriously consider calling the police since this is ongoing behavior from the other kid. I would have dh & myself meet with the parents of the boy with pictures in hand, and I would make sure they understood the problem they have on their hands. But I would not just let it go.

 

My heart is so sad for your boy.

 

And yes, martial arts are great. Even if you never have to use the skills, knowing that you can defend yourself increases self-confidence. One of the reasons we began Judo was that my boys are very small for their ages, and I wanted them to be able to defend themselves if necessary.

[JudoMom]

The physical injuries aren't severe. And, the marks on his neck are barely noticeable. His cheek is slightly swollen. I'm more concerned with the behavior than the injury (at least today). The parents were gone when my son got home -- so we couldn't really talk to them after it happened.

 

It takes a pretty good punch to cause swelling. And even though the marks on his neck aren't very noticeable, it is possible kill someone by choking without leaving marks on their neck. Of course, the boy probably hasn't been taught how, but he could accidentally do it.

 

I'm so sorry. You guys are going to be moving eventually, though, right? Or am I thinking of someone else?

[coralloyd]

My Dh would have been up and over there, the minute he found out. However, you definately need to talk to the mother, whether she knows or not. She needs to know that YOU are NOT ok with this. I would also talk to her ds, with her there, and tell him that if he tries anything like this again you will call the police. Don't let your ds be around this boy anymore. If you have a friendship with this woman, and this injures your relationship, oh well. Somethings are worth loosing friends over.

[Mama2Three]

Do something. Let your son know, by watching how you respond to the perpetrators, that this is not acceptable. If your neighbor had assaulted an adult in this way, there would be no question of it being an assault. It is no different with a child. 12 years old is NOT 2 years old. I would go to the parents, not the police....this time. If a next time ever happened, the police would be involved. If at all possible, it would be good for your son to see his dad do the visit to the neighbor.

 

:iagree:

 

And I also agree that you should document the incident (date, time, people involved, description of what happened, your follow-up actions) and take photos of injuries, in case the boy acts inappropriately towards anyone in your family again.

 

However, keep in mind that the boy learned this behavior somewhere and talking to the parents probably won't make a difference.

[Impish]

I'd still take pictures. And I'd go over, talk to the parents, and let them know you've documented with pics.

 

This is way beyond 'rough housing'. I grew up with 3 brothers, and I've seen rough housing...and this isn't it, not by a long shot! This young man has something going on that he's this violent with another child. I'd absolutely be going over, telling the mother the extent of the injuries to your child, informing her that her children were never again welcome at your home, and if ANYTHING EVER occurred again, you would be calling the police immediately, and showing them the photos from this situation.

 

Although, to be honest...I would have called the police last night, if nothing else than to open a file, and have a record of this. This kid is going to have a record, sooner or later, if this situation is any indication.

[myfunnybunch]

I would guess that the mom doesn't really *know*. I can't imagine dismissing the kind of behavior that results in any kind of visible lasting injury, and she likely assumed it was just a more normal kind of conflict.

 

She needs to know that your son was actually injured, particularly about the choking marks. That's not normal or acceptable, and she needs to know as much for her sons' sakes as for yours. I'd approach the conversation from a place of love and concern, not blame.

 

I would no longer allow my child to play at that house without me no matter how supportive I wish to be toward the family.

 

Cat

[LizzyBee]

With choking injuries/marks plus the other injuries, I would call the police. From your description, this wasn't horseplay; it was a serious assault. This kid needs to be stopped before he does irreparable harm to someone, and your son needs you to stand up for him.

[RoughCollie]

I would take pictures of my son immediately. Then I would go with him to the police. They will want to see and talk to him.

[bettyandbob]

it was the best thing to do. In our situation, our ds was attending a private school at the time. A teacher called us at home told what he witnessed and urged us to call the police. We first went to the school about it and found the administration very unsupportive (the reason we returned to homeschooling) and then called the police. I found out after that the perpetrator (and his parents) had been threatened with a call to the police by the owner of a local martial arts establishment, which the child attended until the owner said he would contact the police if there was another incident in his establishment. I found this out because my ds happened to take TKD at the same place. The child had a black belt and had transfered to the studio--he only stayed a few months before it was suggested police be called. Honestly, I think the child's father encouraged the behavior. I think the police contact was a wake up call to the mother on how serious a problem she had (a large, angry, muscular kid, trained to fight and no discipline not to fight).

 

I think sometimes the problem might go away. However, I also think going to the police may be a step in keeping someone else from getting hurt. My child didn't have noticable injuries by the time the police got involved, but it was very helpful. In the case of the OP, since this is a neighbor, maybe one option is to document the incident and have her dh visit the neighbor's house and let them know if the OPs ds reports anything (verbal or physical) again police will be called--and then they must do just that.

[i.love.lucy]

I would take pictures of my son immediately. Then I would go with him to the police. They will want to see and talk to him.

 

I can't imagine a better consequence than having the police show up at the door and talk to his parents. :eek::lol: My understanding is that police are pretty good about this even if you don't intend to press charges or anything. I'd guess that kid would think twice before beating up on another kid!

[Harriet Vane]

I have read all the posts.

 

Please document this, even if you do not think it's that serious. It IS serious, and you must have documentation to protect yourself or other kids if this kid hurts any kid at any time in the future. Take pictures AND write a detailed description of marks and what areas of the body.

 

You must tell the mother what happened and promise her that you WILL call the police if her son touches your kids again or ventures onto your property. Document the conversation.

 

This is absolutely NOT something to be nice about, or even casual about. Don't wait--it must be dealt with TODAY.

[Cricket]

My two boys are very rough and tumble kids. It gets out of hand sometimes but they have never left marks on each other like swelling or marks on each other's necks. That's scary! If it was me, I'd want to march right over and start screaming at everyone. But most likely I would be all upset and freaked out and call dh and he'd come flying home from work and march over there. :lol:

[Jill- OK]

I have read all the posts.

 

Please document this, even if you do not think it's that serious. It IS serious, and you must have documentation to protect yourself or other kids if this kid hurts any kid at any time in the future. Take pictures AND write a detailed description of marks and what areas of the body.

 

You must tell the mother what happened and promise her that you WILL call the police if her son touches your kids again or ventures onto your property. Document the conversation.

 

This is absolutely NOT something to be nice about, or even casual about. Don't wait--it must be dealt with TODAY.

 

You know, maybe they need a wakeup call. Maybe he'll never bug your son again (especially since you guys know there's extra vigilance required now)...but what if he seriously assaults another, smaller child? This might push the parents into action that might not otherwise be taken. Just a thought.

 

And I think you did the right thing by telling your son how serious it was, and what lengths you're willing to go to, to protect him.

 

Just snap pics (even if the marks are faded), and have a chat with the parents. (I know that's ugly--I hate confrontation--but you could seriously be saving another child from an attack).

[Jenn in Mo]

I can't imagine a better consequence than having the police show up at the door and talk to his parents. :eek::lol: My understanding is that police are pretty good about this even if you don't intend to press charges or anything. I'd guess that kid would think twice before beating up on another kid!

 

While I agree that it would be a wake up call, I'm trying to think of how I would react if I were on the receiving end of that visit. I can't imagine my kids ever doing something like that, but let's just imagine that it's possible this mom would also be shocked to find out such a thing about her own child. I would want my neighbor to come speak with me and let me know they had been wronged, offended, or hurt before calling the police out of nowhere on me.

 

Now, if my neighbor pointed it out to me and I said something stupid like "Aw, shucks, that's too bad" and then my son did it again....I would so deserve anything that came at me.

 

Even if you do speak with the police the first time, I still think the right thing to do is speak with the neighbor and tell her that the police have been informed of the incident.

[dtb1999]

First, I wasn't there... didn't see or hear anything that happened, so I can't qualify statements made by my son.[Q

:confused: Your son came home with the marks as described below but you can't qualify his statements? I don't understand this part.

 

 

cheek and jaw are swollen, he has marks on his neck from the 12yo's choking, and took some body blows to his torso and private areas.

 

 

So now what.

 

 

I would press charges. Plain and simple. This is SO not okay. Marks from choking? Blows to his torso and private areas? Oh, no way would I just let this go. That kid that did this to him should simply not be allowed to "walk". I am furious thinking about this. He needs to learn that it is not okay to go around bullying people and injuring them just because he "can". If his mother refuses to take responsibility for the fact that her son is hurting people, then the law needs to step in. And ASAP.

[KidsHappen]

Out here in the middle of nowhere, I'd bust the kid's butt, be in the mom's face and probably get in trouble myself.

 

 

You are my long lost sister!

[dtb1999]

Document it by all means but don't contact the police unless you have far more evidence.

 

 

 

 

:confused: Far more evidence? How much more do you need? The boy has choke marks on his neck, a swollen jaw and took blows to his private areas. Should she wait until this kid puts her son or someone elses in the hospital? Life support, perhaps? Unbelievable.

[Karen sn]

With a swollen cheek and jaw, and marks on the neck I'd take pictures and report it to the police. That's what I'd tell you to do, living in town/neighborhood.

 

Out here in the middle of nowhere, I'd bust the kid's butt, be in the mom's face and probably get in trouble myself.

 

Second this!

Your son was being choked by him....I'd have taken pictures, called the law and had them take pictures, and then pushed this as far as I could.

[LMA]

Please, please call the police. That is assault. Also, your son could have non-visible, internal injuries in his abdomen such as organ damage and internal bleeding. (A simple fall can cause internal bleeding by the way) You need to get your son to the hospital and examined all over for such injuries. I would call the police and inform the parents that they are paying for all medical treatment. I'm sure your son is not the first to be beaten like this. You are in a position to try to get the parents to stop it or at least get the police involved.

Edited April 9, 2009 by LMA
for clarity.

[LilyK]

My house is filled, everyday, with rough, rude, destructive,calamitous boys (my boys included), yet I have never seen anything like what you described. With as many boys as I have seen come in through my front door, I have never seen one choke. I hope from all the posts that people have contributed to your thread, you see how serious this is and protect your child.

[Catwoman]

 

My son's cheek and jaw are swollen, he has marks on his neck from the 12yo's choking, and took some body blows to his torso and private areas.

 

I was all set to approach this from a fairly non-chalant, "concern" approach --

 

Lisa, I know I posted earlier about this, but I keep thinking about it and the more I do, the more I keep wondering how you could ever have considered approaching the situation from a nonchalant concerned approach when your child was CHOKED and PUNCHED in this way.

 

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but in what universe would anyone consider that to be anything to be "nonchalant" about? I would be absolutely livid, and I can't help but wonder where you would draw the line on this type of behavior. Does it only count if your son had ended up in the hospital?

 

Your son's windpipe could have been crushed and he could be dead right now. Do you realize that?

 

Again, I don't know you and I'm sorry to sound so mean, but this kid could have killed your son, and if he got so violent with your son, he's going to do it again to another child who may not walk away from the attack.

 

Forget about worrying about the other parents' feelings -- their son committed a violent crime against your son, and if you don't follow up on it, how will you feel if, one day, you read in the newspaper that the same boy did the same thing to another child, with dire consequences?

 

What was your dh's reaction to the situation? I know what my dh would have done; we would have involved the police -- immediately.

 

Cat

[joannqn]

I'd do a few things. Visit the doctor and dentist to have medical documentation of the injuries....now! Fully explain every injury that you know of so they can check everything. If the doctor can't get you in, go to the ER for the documentation. Second call the police and file a report...again for documentation. Third tell the mother that she'll need to pay the doctor's and dentist's bills and that the police have been called.

 

No, the mom does not deserve to be given a chance to right this before the authorities are called. This kind of assault is way beyond that.

 

I would also do everything in my power to ensure that this boy never had contact with my son again. It's beyond just not letting your child over to their house and vice versa. A kid who will beat up a younger kid to this extent is very dangerous anywhere. He could easily corner your child somewhere out of sight and do worse damage. At 12, he's old enough to know better; he knew what he was doing.

 

We know a family with a violent 6 year old. He has raged, attempted to hurt other kids younger than him, physically attacked my dog, and lied about all of the above. He didn't need to physically hurt my children before we removed ourselves from any and all contact. We avoid all homeschool groups that his family is a part of. My kids know that if we ever go to a homeschool outing/meeting/field trip and this boy shows up, I will not take my eyes off them for a minute. They know it is serious even though they haven't been hit. Violence needs to be taken seriously, especially in cases where physical injury has occurred.

[Scarlett]

Lisa, I know I posted earlier about this, but I keep thinking about it and the more I do, the more I keep wondering how you could ever have considered approaching the situation from a nonchalant concerned approach when your child was CHOKED and PUNCHED in this way.

 

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but in what universe would anyone consider that to be anything to be "nonchalant" about? I would be absolutely livid, and I can't help but wonder where you would draw the line on this type of behavior. Does it only count if your son had ended up in the hospital?

 

Your son's windpipe could have been crushed and he could be dead right now. Do you realize that?

 

Again, I don't know you and I'm sorry to sound so mean, but this kid could have killed your son, and if he got so violent with your son, he's going to do it again to another child who may not walk away from the attack.

 

Forget about worrying about the other parents' feelings -- their son committed a violent crime against your son, and if you don't follow up on it, how will you feel if, one day, you read in the newspaper that the same boy did the same thing to another child, with dire consequences?

 

What was your dh's reaction to the situation? I know what my dh would have done; we would have involved the police -- immediately.

 

Cat

 

Well, I think I can see Lisa's POV. I tend to under react because I often over re act. Does that make sense? I wouldn't have wanted to make a big deal out of kid's play...and it probably took Lisa a few hours to get past that mental block.

 

I agree Cat...it is VERY serious. Needs to be documented. Needs to have a parents face to face showing pictures of the injuries. Whoever said to tell them 'the police will be called next time'---I think that is right on. The kid sounds horrible.

 

Lisa, you've already said your son will never go over there again. That is good. Also good that you will be moving to your new house before too long and your ds won't have to live close to the little creep.

[LMA]

First, I wasn't there... didn't see or hear anything that happened, so I can't qualify statements made by my son.

 

Second, my son isn't the "physical" sort. He is the only child I have who didn't go through that "hitting, biting" stage around 2-4. He's my calm, extremely sensitive and thoughtful child.

 

So, when he came home in tears last night after going to a "friends" house, I was angry. But I didn't call the mom right away. I wanted to try to figure out how to deal with this (as I've never been in this position before).

 

My son's cheek and jaw are swollen, he has marks on his neck from the 12yo's choking, and took some body blows to his torso and private areas.

 

I was all set to approach this from a fairly non-chalant, "concern" approach -- and then, this morning, as I quiz him on the details, he tells me that he TOLD the boys' mother that the older son was hitting him (he was finally allowed to leave). The mom responded, "boys, please be polite." :confused:

 

I understand she was on her way somewhere, maybe she didn't get what my kid was telling her. Maybe she was thinking "boys will be boys" type of rough-housing. But this wasn't. This was a big boy picking on a boy 3 years younger, both physically and verbally, and another boy my son's age looking on.

 

The older boy has told my son that he hangs out with bullies -- but they don't bother him, and has taunted, teased, and tried to get physical with my boys before (he was forced by his parents to apologize to my 5yo, after making really mean comments after an accident he had... which I'm sure he resented).

 

So now what. The mom knows, so what's the point of informing her? My son doesn't want to have anything to do with the boys any more, so unless they come over here (and get sent home!), or do something to my kiddos in the street -- should I just let this go?

 

What is proper "Mamma" etiquette here?

 

(oh, on the good side, ds no longer wants to go to public school because of this experience...and my dh and I are thinking about putting all of the children in Marshal Arts class too).

 

I've never had to deal with this situation before...

 

Thank you.

 

Lisa

 

After rereading this post, I just want to say that no "etiquette" is required here. You call the police and let the police sort it out. This is a serious situation.

[LisaKinVA]

Lisa, I know I posted earlier about this, but I keep thinking about it and the more I do, the more I keep wondering how you could ever have considered approaching the situation from a nonchalant concerned approach when your child was CHOKED and PUNCHED in this way.

 

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but in what universe would anyone consider that to be anything to be "nonchalant" about? I would be absolutely livid, and I can't help but wonder where you would draw the line on this type of behavior. Does it only count if your son had ended up in the hospital?

 

Your son's windpipe could have been crushed and he could be dead right now. Do you realize that?

 

Again, I don't know you and I'm sorry to sound so mean, but this kid could have killed your son, and if he got so violent with your son, he's going to do it again to another child who may not walk away from the attack.

 

Forget about worrying about the other parents' feelings -- their son committed a violent crime against your son, and if you don't follow up on it, how will you feel if, one day, you read in the newspaper that the same boy did the same thing to another child, with dire consequences?

 

What was your dh's reaction to the situation? I know what my dh would have done; we would have involved the police -- immediately.

 

Cat

 

non chalant is probably the wrong word... I wasn't planning on going all "mamma bear" -- but talking to her from the perspective that I'm sure had she realized what was going on, she would have put a stop to it... not accusatory, not agressive, willing to give her and the boy the benefit of doubt.

 

What I mean by, "can't qualify his statements" -- is simply, I can't 100% say my son didn't do anything wrong. It would be out of character for what I've observed of my son -- but is it possible that something started out as "fun" and the big kid just wouldn't take "Stop, or don't do that" seriously (I realize the child SHOULd know better, but there is a difference between whalloping a kid as an attack, vs. horseplay gone amuck. I wasn't there.

 

This family has been in our neighborhood for 15+ years, are friends of my parents, my mom babysat occassionally (these are the two youngest of 8 children... granparents of 3), The 12 yo has behaved badly with words, and taunting, attempting to engage my 9yo in what I deemed "dangerous" play, but nothing like this EVER.

 

My parents can't believe it happened as my son describes (not that they doubt my son, it's just out of character from what they have witnessed).

 

It is very possible for this to have been the first time the 12yo has ever behaved this way -- because if the mom had known, I don't think she would have brushed it off so easilly.

 

A woman who will send her son to my house to apologize for teasing a 5yo about a potty accident, isn't going to take something like hitting and choking as "boys will be boys."

[Catwoman]

Well, I think I can see Lisa's POV. I tend to under react because I often over re act. Does that make sense? I wouldn't have wanted to make a big deal out of kid's play...and it probably took Lisa a few hours to get past that mental block.

 

Good to see you, Scarlett! :001_smile:

 

I think I would have been less upset about all of this if it weren't for the choking. Every time I think about it, the choking is the part that stands out in my mind.

 

I'm glad to hear that Lisa will be moving soon -- I just hope that vicious boy gets some professional help before he hurts someone else. I can't help but wonder if he's seen some choking and punching within his own home, and that would mean that the whole family has some serious issues.

 

I suggested contacting the police for the obvious reason that this boy needs to be held accountable for his actions, but also because if Lisa and her dh go over to talk with the parents, there's no way to know whether or not the boy's father has a similar temperament to his son's. I could see where the discussion could easily escalate into a dangerous situation. The police are accustomed to dealing with similar situations, and I would let them handle any confrontation with the boy's parents.

 

Cat

[Catwoman]

What I mean by, "can't qualify his statements" -- is simply, I can't 100% say my son didn't do anything wrong.

 

It really doesn't matter what your son said or did. There is simply no justification for this type of violence.

 

Cat

[Spy Car]

I think the appropriate first step would be for you and your husband to have a serious conversation with the boys parents. I would do your best to not go in it "inflamed", and to give the boys parents the benefit of the doubt, and to see what their reactions were, and how they intended to handle it.

 

I would make it eminently plain in the course of the conversation that such brutalization could never again occur. If the other boy's parents were in full accord, and seemed earnest (and horrified) by what transpired that would be the end of it as far as I was concerned. Although play at their house might be re-thought.

 

If I wasn't getting a "satisfactory" response from the other boys parents other options, including bring in the police, might be in order. But that would come only after an adult conversation led to no good.

 

Bill

[bkpan]

I read your post and I would definitely be upset and need to do something to ensure that this incident would not be repeated, BUT,

 

As the mom of 5 boys, I cant imagine calling the police over this incident. Maybe I am naive, but kids have been bullying each other for eternity, and is it just me, or do you think that the current cultural climate just might cause some overreaction here?

 

Dont get me wrong. What happened to your son should be dealt with severely. But calling the police? On a 12yo who was out-of-line?

 

I would definitely go straight to the parents and let them know exactly what ds told me about the incident, and I would probably request to speak to their children as well. I would want to hear the 12yo explain what happened, and I would want the other boy to give his account as well. Then, I would let the parents and children understand that this would NEVER happen again, or you would indeed notify the police and possibly file charges. All of this could be done in a very straight-forward way without threats and overblown emotion. I would hope that at that point the boys parents would be very upset and insist on dealing with the matter.

 

These boys behaved in an unacceptable way. Most parents are very capable of dealing with their childrens inappropriate behavior. And yes, it is at least possible, that the mom did not get how physical her ds had gotten. I would give her the benefit of the doubt. You did say that the parents had forced the older child to apologize for inappropriate behavior before. That doesnt sound like parents who dont care.

 

Anyway, just my .02 Im sure that Ill get some negative responses to my opinion, but it just seems that sometimes when a group of mama bears get going, an issue takes on a life of its own. So, I guess Im saying that I would definitely defend my child, but hopefully with prayer, reason, and trying to remember that these are all children that were dealing with.

 

HTH

 

Kim

(who misses her apostrophes!!)

[bettyandbob]

Lisa,

 

Your parents have a different perspective. As older authority figures, reasonably intelligent kids know what side of their personality to display to your parents. So, your parents only see "good" behavior. It's very hard to believe kids you've known and cared about for years could do bad things. I teach 2 mornings a week at a school for kids who've been expelled from public school--the kids seem very nice and respectable in our very controlled setting, they continue to really mess up after school.

 

Additionally, your parents may like your neighbors and may be of the "don't rock the boat" mindset. My parents would be the same. My parents thought my removing ds from a school that didn't really have a good response to bullying other than to suggest it was my ds's problem was extreme.

 

Please document and at the very least let the family know that you will have to contact the police in the future, if you are not contacting the police now. Please let your parents know you are doing this, so that your ds's are not over at grandmas when these boys drop by and she sees nothing wrong with leaving them together.

[bkpan]

non chalant is probably the wrong word... I wasn't planning on going all "mamma bear" -- but talking to her from the perspective that I'm sure had she realized what was going on, she would have put a stop to it... not accusatory, not agressive, willing to give her and the boy the benefit of doubt.

 

What I mean by, "can't qualify his statements" -- is simply, I can't 100% say my son didn't do anything wrong. It would be out of character for what I've observed of my son -- but is it possible that something started out as "fun" and the big kid just wouldn't take "Stop, or don't do that" seriously (I realize the child SHOULd know better, but there is a difference between whalloping a kid as an attack, vs. horseplay gone amuck. I wasn't there.

 

This family has been in our neighborhood for 15+ years, are friends of my parents, my mom babysat occassionally (these are the two youngest of 8 children... granparents of 3), The 12 yo has behaved badly with words, and taunting, attempting to engage my 9yo in what I deemed "dangerous" play, but nothing like this EVER.

 

My parents can't believe it happened as my son describes (not that they doubt my son, it's just out of character from what they have witnessed).

 

It is very possible for this to have been the first time the 12yo has ever behaved this way -- because if the mom had known, I don't think she would have brushed it off so easilly.

 

A woman who will send her son to my house to apologize for teasing a 5yo about a potty accident, isn't going to take something like hitting and choking as "boys will be boys."

 

After reading this, I have a lot of respect for your attempts not to let emotion control the situation (as I am sure you are VERY upset), but are attempting to be charitable in your understanding of all involved. I hope you are able to really find a peaceful and helpful solution for all the children involved.

[bettyandbob]

Kim said

As the mom of 5 boys, I cant imagine calling the police over this incident. Maybe I am naive, but kids have been bullying each other for eternity, and is it just me, or do you think that the current cultural climate just might cause some overreaction here?

 

Dont get me wrong. What happened to your son should be dealt with severely. But calling the police? On a 12yo who was out-of-line?

 

My response to this is that you've never been a victim and never seen your dc be victims. You don't know the long term damage bullying does. You also don't get that choking isn't just "out of line". Choking can cause far more damage than kicking or hitting and it is beyond an overly aggressive act. It is a very personal, angry act that says something about this child's character.