Audrey Posted April 9, 2009 Share Posted April 9, 2009 First, I wasn't there... didn't see or hear anything that happened, so I can't qualify statements made by my son. Second, my son isn't the "physical" sort. He is the only child I have who didn't go through that "hitting, biting" stage around 2-4. He's my calm, extremely sensitive and thoughtful child. So, when he came home in tears last night after going to a "friends" house, I was angry. But I didn't call the mom right away. I wanted to try to figure out how to deal with this (as I've never been in this position before). My son's cheek and jaw are swollen, he has marks on his neck from the 12yo's choking, and took some body blows to his torso and private areas. I was all set to approach this from a fairly non-chalant, "concern" approach -- and then, this morning, as I quiz him on the details, he tells me that he TOLD the boys' mother that the older son was hitting him (he was finally allowed to leave). The mom responded, "boys, please be polite." :confused: I understand she was on her way somewhere, maybe she didn't get what my kid was telling her. Maybe she was thinking "boys will be boys" type of rough-housing. But this wasn't. This was a big boy picking on a boy 3 years younger, both physically and verbally, and another boy my son's age looking on. The older boy has told my son that he hangs out with bullies -- but they don't bother him, and has taunted, teased, and tried to get physical with my boys before (he was forced by his parents to apologize to my 5yo, after making really mean comments after an accident he had... which I'm sure he resented). So now what. The mom knows, so what's the point of informing her? My son doesn't want to have anything to do with the boys any more, so unless they come over here (and get sent home!), or do something to my kiddos in the street -- should I just let this go? What is proper "Mamma" etiquette here? (oh, on the good side, ds no longer wants to go to public school because of this experience...and my dh and I are thinking about putting all of the children in Marshal Arts class too). I've never had to deal with this situation before... Thank you. Lisa I don't have any advice. Just wow! I'm so sorry that happened to your son. I've never had to deal with that either. I can only imagine how you both must feel. I'm so sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted April 9, 2009 Share Posted April 9, 2009 My two boys are very rough and tumble kids. It gets out of hand sometimes but they have never left marks on each other like swelling or marks on each other's necks. Really? I must have a tender boy, because he just came home swollen from running up behind a stranger at a packed park who, just at that moment, bent his arm and kiddo ran eye-first into his elbow. Kiddo blacked my eye with hand thrown over head when he was a toddler. I snatched him back from a dog when he was three and left fingerprint bruises on his upper arm. He is currently constantly bruised up and down his shin, and has at least two bandaids on his person at all times. I was the same way. :) My family is very fair and we do bruise easily... As for the scenerio, I'm a letter-writer. I'd write the parents a note. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted April 10, 2009 Share Posted April 10, 2009 With a swollen cheek and jaw, and marks on the neck I'd take pictures and report it to the police. That's what I'd tell you to do, living in town/neighborhood. Out here in the middle of nowhere, I'd bust the kid's butt, be in the mom's face and probably get in trouble myself. Me, too. Anyone who leaves marks like that on my kid is trouble and needs to be dealt with by professionals. Never let your kid go to that house again unless YOU will also be there. I am not kidding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted April 10, 2009 Share Posted April 10, 2009 and invite that Mom over to see firsthand the effects of her son's attack. And of course my son would never go over there again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted April 10, 2009 Share Posted April 10, 2009 (edited) Go to the Mom and speak with her and bully boy. Promise legal action/police action if it occurs again. With a swollen cheek and jaw, and marks on the neck I'd take pictures and report it to the police. That's what I'd tell you to do, living in town/neighborhood. Out here in the middle of nowhere, I'd bust the kid's butt, be in the mom's face and probably get in trouble myself. :lol: I really do like you. I'd take pics and take him to the dr asap. That way you have a record of injury. And I'd do what LG recommends. The parents need to know their boy needs a serious "talking to" and a possibly a trip to the woodshed. some parents won't take action unless they see it's goign to cost them, so yes, I'd threaten legal/police action if their kid so much as steps on driveway again, much less messes with my kids. oh restraining order might not be a bad idea? Is that possible I wonder... ETA: I have VERY rough and tumble boys too. And some of them are very tender to bruise (like me). BUT when one of them is hurt, it stops. They know that. It wouldn't be the bruising alone that bothered me, it's that your son was being hurt and said so and that he wanted it to stop and they knew it and continued and the adults were too self-absorbed or oblivious to stop it. I could see me just yelling at my boys to back off or settle down. But I'd make sure they did it too. Edited April 10, 2009 by Martha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted April 10, 2009 Share Posted April 10, 2009 I can't imagine calling the cops over this. I'd be plenty mad, yeah, and I'd definitely be over there talking to the parents, but - - a slightly swollen jaw and even marks on the neck don't mean the kid was nearly killed. It's completely unacceptable, and I'd document, but I wouldn't send the cops over there unless the parents' reaction is to rub their hands together with delight and laugh in evil joy. If they react with appropriate shock and anger, I'd tell my kid to stay away from him and call it a day. It also surprised me that there are kids out there who engage in rough and tumble play and have never had marks on them. I have not-so-rough-and-tumble little girls who are often sporting bruises and scratches after a day at the playground. Not from fights, but being jerked around in games of 'prisoner,' being banged into during tag, and just plain being knocked down. Swelling from a deliberate hit sounds dreadful, but it was just as likely to be a lucky punch that happened to land wrong, imo. Again: not cool, not acceptable, don't want this kid at my house, his parents need to know. But a police report? I just wouldn't go there, not in this situation. Surely the first step is to go talk to the parents?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FO4UR Posted April 10, 2009 Share Posted April 10, 2009 The physical injuries aren't severe. And, the marks on his neck are barely noticeable. His cheek is slightly swollen. I'm more concerned with the behavior than the injury (at least today). The parents were gone when my son got home -- so we couldn't really talk to them after it happened. Neither my husband, nor I, have really ever been in this position. Well, my husband only went through this once, with a roommate at the Merchant Marine Academy... I always humbled my opponents with an "evil eye" and a large vocabulary :D. We did tell our son, last night, that he was not to go there again (not that he wants to), and that if they came over here they would be sent home. And that if the boy(s) threatened him, or came after him physically again, we would call (son inserted the word "parents" and we said, no, the police"), and get a restraining order. My son was a bit shocked. I explained that this was assault, and it isn't allowed. You guys are right, we have to speak to them -- their son is exhibiting dangerous behavior, which if not checked could seriously harm someone. Lisa I've not read past this post -so forgive if I repeat, but choking that leaves any kind of mark no matter how faint is extremely scary from my pov. One does not choke for fun or to simply bully, it's a deadly murderous act! I'd be watching my kids like a hawk - the sort that beats a child is the sort that will sneak to do it;):glare: Honestly - I'd report this time to the police. I think it would best if the assault was documented. This kid could kill someone! When we are talking life/death issues all courtesy flies out my window! And, martial arts is a great idea! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PollyOR Posted April 10, 2009 Share Posted April 10, 2009 Lisa, document this with pictures and a trip to the doctor. Please, this is for your own safety. If the medical profession comes across this later they will be more likely to think you are trying to cover up if you blame it on boys playing a long time ago. I know I sound paranoid, but I have experience with this. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 10, 2009 Share Posted April 10, 2009 How is your son doing today, Lisa? Did he worry later about the attack, or is he ok? I hope he's not concerned that he could be hurt again -- I hate to see kids worrying about things! Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bkpan Posted April 10, 2009 Share Posted April 10, 2009 Lisa, Did you decide to speak with the boys parents? Or did you involve the police? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aggie Posted April 10, 2009 Share Posted April 10, 2009 Lisa, document this with pictures and a trip to the doctor. Please, this is for your own safety. If the medical profession comes across this later they will be more likely to think you are trying to cover up if you blame it on boys playing a long time ago. I was thinking along this line, also. Esp with a kick to the private parts, ya know? If your ds had been in school, his teacher would have HAD to call CPS about the marks around his neck. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted April 10, 2009 Share Posted April 10, 2009 I agree with documenting this with photos, a written description, and a trip to the doctor for a once over. Please, please, please speak to the parents about this. Their son needs counseling NOW. If I read your original post right, that child has been bullied in school...now he is repeating the behaviour. This is too serious to ignore. I have a son with anger management issues, among other things. These parents need to know their son needs help yesterday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted April 10, 2009 Share Posted April 10, 2009 :iagree: Pictures. Talk to parents. Talk to police. I believe totally in "mama etiquette" but this went way too far. Your child needs to see you standing up for him -- I think that's to see you going to bat for him will be very healing. I would flat out say that the boy isn't welcome in your home anymore -- and that the kids can't be friends anymore. The other boy is dangerous. Good luck. I wouldn't "be polite" on this one. (I mean, I'd be courteous to the parents, but I wouldn't just be quiet and go away.) Alicia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Is everything ok, Lisa? Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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