The thought of raising teens for the next 15 is so...daunting? depressing?

[Colleen]

This is just to say that thus far, I hate raising teenagers ~ and I'm only 7 months into it. My conflicts with said teen are peanuts compared to what some face, but I hate this. I really do. I hate the thought that I'm going to spend the next 15 years of my life parenting teens, without the cozy, snuggly feelings of being hugged and kissed by a very little person. Because I thrive on that cozy, snuggly feeling. Without that, I have no idea ~ literally no idea ~ how I'm going to deal with day after day after month after month of adolescence.

 

Ugh.

 

Oh, bother. I left the word "years" out of the subject line. I guess it's self-explanatory. 15 "years" as opposed to "months" (which sounds so much more tolerable) or "decades" (ACK!).

Edited February 4, 2009 by Colleen

[Hillary in KS]

Well, we're only a month behind you here, and it hasn't been an issue. Ds 13 is a great kid to be around.

 

But I have a friend with 5 adult sons (youngest 2 are seniors in college). She said that in the junior high years her boys got kind of crabby and moody, but then by the time they were in high school they were themselves again.

 

I've remembered her words because I know I'll be going through those years soon, and I'll want to remember the light at the end of the tunnel. :)

 

Hang in there. Be patient. And love him through it.

[Karen in CO]

You won't have the little ones, but big ones aren't that bad. You will get the pleasure of being hugged by a child that is bigger than you. You will get interesting, late-night discussions with a young adult that is considering the questions of life for the first time. I loved talking to my ds about literature, history, religion, and philosophy. When he first read the allegory of the cave by Plato, he was so cute. It was as if he was the first person to grapple with the idea. We discussed it at length. I love how everything is new and amazing to little ones, but it is amazing to see all those BIG ideas met with the enthusiasm of youth also. It let me remember when I was discovering those ideas which have long since solidified in my mind and see them through new eyes.

 

Now when my big guy calls and says he misses my cooking or calls to talk about a book he is reading or a paper he is writing, it helps me to look forward to the teen years again.

 

The conflicts and heartache are plentiful, but remember that there is a terrific person that you have been raising still in there.

[TraceyS/FL]

I"m only 2 days into it - so far it's going ok! LOL!!

 

But i have a 4 year old - so i'm hoping it all stays going well for me :D

[Michelle in AL]

I only have girls, so I can't be sure that boys react the same. Parents at church have told me that they do turn around and become friendly again at 16. Really, with my 2 girls it hasn't been that bad. They go through occasional bouts of crankiness, but it does alternate with good times. Your other boys may be a piece of cake compared to your oldest.

 

What I've found to be imperative is keeping a connection with them. Every once in a while, do something with them that they like to do whether it be a hike, a movie or working together. They will still be snuggly when watching a movie, but they've always been snuggly and maybe that's more common with girls.

[Sophia]

Be encouraged Colleen.

My oldest, who has been an extremely challenging child for the last few years, has suddenly become almost as affectionate as my little ones :001_smile:.

 

He randomly hugs me, will sit by me if the little ones leave room for him, and wants to talk about random things just like when he was younger.

All quite unexpected and I'm relieved to see our relationship moving back to where it should be.

 

There is nothing like having a little one to cuddle with and I'm so glad I still have those, but I think you will find affection from a teenager just as special.

 

And just think~it's very possible in 15 years you'll have a grandchild to cuddle up to!

[klmama]

She said that in the junior high years her boys got kind of crabby and moody, but then by the time they were in high school they were themselves again.

 

This is true! I used to teach middle school children, and I saw it every year. Half way through sixth grade most of the children would change, become moody, grouchy, etc. They would be difficult until about half way through eighth grade, maybe a bit longer. By graduation, only a couple were still difficult, and by the next fall when they came back to visit after their first day of high school (a tradition), they were themselves again. It gives me hope.

 

Colleen, if yours is just starting that process, it may still take the two years, but it didn't take everyone that long. Maybe the later start to the grouchiness means a quicker resolution. :)

[Oakblossoms]

Hug them anyway. When they are watching TV, go and snuggle with them. They aren't too old for that and I bet they need it just as much as you.

[AuntieM]

Colleen, your glass is still 4/5 full, isn't it? There's only that first officially in the teenage camp, right?

 

I know what you mean, though, oldest here just turned 14 and next boy will be 12 in March. I am sure to hug them both at least once a day, and they actually still like it. I just don't do it front of their friends. :)

 

I say, just keep huggin' 'em!!! I deep down think they need those hugs in the tween and teen years more than any other time.

 

Honestly, it has helped to let the oldest take a much larger role in his own education. I haven't had to worry too much as he is naturally highly motivated, but he seems to really enjoy feeling that he is not totally under my thumb, if you know what I mean.

[Pamela H in Texas]

how I'm going to deal with day after day after month after month

 

I personally suggest finding a way to change your attitude about it. If you'll look in the high school board, there are a few REALLY good posts about the differences in 13yo boys and teenagers. Seems many 12-13yo boys are a bit obnoxious, childish, immature, nutty, etc. And then something happens (ime, always over a summer) and they get considerably better.

 

I have found parenting teens to be absolutely AWESOME. But I think I went into it COMPLETELY differently than most people do. I didn't dread those years. I looked forward to them. And they really are GREAT.

 

I really think it's a matter of self-fulfilling prophesy. I decided what I wanted it to be like and I started when they were toddlers to get them to those points (to a large degree). I parented with a plan in mind.

 

Not that it's all butterfly-ville over here 100% of the time. Let's get real. Living with other people, regardless of age, is work at times (thankfully rarely). Generally, we all work together very well and it works out.

 

I think you can get there also :) Find solutions with ds about what is going on. Make sure you're letting him have enough right and responsibility and freedom. Tweak expectations as necessary.

[Oakblossoms]

I just thought of something else.

 

Make a big batch of cookies and make them hug you if they want one;)

[KidsHappen]

Well, I have a 26 year old and a 9 year old so I still have 9 years left and I tell you I am worn out already. And the last five were girls and I am finding them so much harder than my son was. My 12 year old just started her period last month, the 9 year old seems to be headed into puberty herself, I am heading into menopause and everyone seems to have their periods at the same time so we have a week of group PMS every month.

 

Anyhow, I can relate to your feelings.

[Colleen]

I personally suggest finding a way to change your attitude about it...I have found parenting teens to be absolutely AWESOME. But I think I went into it COMPLETELY differently than most people do. I didn't dread those years.

 

I didn't dread these years, either, but there are days that aren't awesome. You've shared about some less-than-awesome experiences of our own, so I'm sure you can understand that. At this moment in time, I needed a shoulder to cry on.

[Carol in Cal.]

DD is 12, and definately headed for teendom.

 

I do miss those cuddly days. When I directed the children's play this last year at church, this little 4 year old girl took a liking to me, and wandered over to sit on my lap periodically. (Since the age range is 3 to 13, I don't expect as much staid behavior from the 3 and 4 year olds while I'm teaching the olders something difficult.) And I realized that it's been a while!

 

One thing that has really been nice has been cultivating and watching for chances for conversation. DD is pretty quiet, occasionally borderline sullen, and fairly emotional these days. We have many 'businesslike' discussions about homeschooling work, but those don't really connect us at all. And when she watches some show on her computer and wants to tell me all about it, I can hardly stand it. So conversation is elusive. I feel pretty good if we have a good talk about once a week.

 

Recently one of these occurred because I drove her to a writers' workshop in another city--one hour each way--and we had lunch together at a restaurant afterwards. The distance from obligations and from other people that either of us knows kind of set the stage for some intimate talks.

 

I also start talking sometimes about something I have been reading. This gives me a chance to initiate conversation without putting her on the spot by asking a question. Lots of the time if we are alone, she will engage at that point, and we can have a nice talk.

 

I really look forward to who she will become, and I want to keep things open between us at least to some extent.

 

I remember when I was a teenager, noticing when adults reached out to me, even though I was too cool to respond. I figure that, just as I projected good cheer and calm into her toddler years, I will need to do that during her teen years as well, often with no direct feedback to encourage me. But maybe there will be a payoff later.

[Tammy]

I think it has been great for us....My kids are 18yo son, 16yo daughter, 14yo son, 12yo son! I think it gets better in the teen years....really I do.

[ChemMommy]

I'll say that, overall, I've enjoyed the teen years a LOT. You will be amazed at the questions they ask and the concepts they ponder. And they will share them with you if you keep looking for opportunities to connect. You may have to learn to play a Wii game or seek ways to get them alone in a car to talk, but it will happen.

 

And, discipline-wise, it's the same stuff, but different focus. And the consequences are bigger. You will still be disciplining for lack of obedience, not completing work, skipping chores, not getting out of bed. They will fume and pout. But, there are no diapers! That's a plus. But, in my opinion, those teens still need naps!

 

The teen years have been a blast!!!

[AuntieM]

to echo what others have shared. Make time to talk with them, and I mean real time, and individually. Challenging, yes, when you've got a house full, but opportinities will present themselves. Just train yourself to tirelessly take advantage of them (as in, it's 10:30 pm and I really want my quiet time... but yes, I'll watch your favorite Super Bowl commercial one...more...time....). I predict that these conversations will eventually be the very thing that recharges your batteries.

 

I always try to keep in mind something I once heard: the days are long, but the years are short!

[Jennifer in MI]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I understand, I really do. My oldest is 12 and just starting to do little things that are testing us. It's so different than the testing of a 2 or 3 year old, isn't it?

 

I'll pray for you and your family!

[katemary63]

This is just to say that thus far, I hate raising teenagers ~ and I'm only 7 months into it. My conflicts with said teen are peanuts compared to what some face, but I hate this. I really do. I hate the thought that I'm going to spend the next 15 years of my life parenting teens, without the cozy, snuggly feelings of being hugged and kissed by a very little person. Because I thrive on that cozy, snuggly feeling. Without that, I have no idea ~ literally no idea ~ how I'm going to deal with day after day after month after month of adolescence.

 

I am there with ya, I just don't "get" teenagers. I was never rebelious a day in my life - you can ask my mom. I was a grown-up by age 10, no ugly teen years for me. I also thrive on the cuddly, need-you-more-then- anything attachment of a child less then say, age 10. Newborns are like HEAVEN! to me.

 

When my kids were 16, 15 and 10, I solved my problem forever - I had another baby! Best decision I ever made - she's the joy of our lives ( as they all were). But, I made it through 3 teens just fine because when those, "I don't get you and have no idea what to do now" moments came, I could just cuddle on and hug all over DD7 and get my "fix". Then go and deal with whatever with the teen. Boy did it work. My plan is that by the time DD7 is a teen, I will have grandchildren to cuddle! I can't wait!

 

FYI: The teen years can be difficult, but are well worth it. My DD23 and I are great friends and we are (all 6 of us) a close family. I have visions of wonderful family Christmases with the kids, the kid-in-laws and all the grandchildren coming together, celebrating and getting along and I really think we are gonna make it! ( not the kind of family I came from :( )

[newbie]

I dont know how Kidshappen does it w/5 girls, that would be scary. I can barely handle two. The littlest is official next mo.

 

That reminds me, my mom was a fostermom and she only requested teen boys, she always turned down girls, I had about 11 brothers over the years.

 

They were not that bad, sure there were a couple over the top. Otherwise I survived.

[Julie in CA]

This is just to say that thus far, I hate raising teenagers ~ and I'm only 7 months into it. My conflicts with said teen are peanuts compared to what some face, but I hate this. I really do. I hate the thought that I'm going to spend the next 15 years of my life parenting teens, without the cozy, snuggly feelings of being hugged and kissed by a very little person. Because I thrive on that cozy, snuggly feeling. Without that, I have no idea ~ literally no idea ~ how I'm going to deal with day after day after month after month of adolescence.

Colleen, I sympathize with how you feel. We're further along than you are, and I've gradually adapted to being a mom of teens. Imo, what you're feeling is totally normal. It's been a bittersweet progression for me, because I keenly felt the loss of my sweet little guys. I have a picture of my boys when they were 4, 5 1/2, and 7, and I keep it posted above my desk. In some ways it makes me long for bygone days even more, but it also serves as a reminder of who my boys were and *who they still are* underneath all of that teenage male brusqueness (sp?).

 

Please everyone, don't misunderstand me. My boys are *wonderful* young men now. I'm very pleased with the men they are becoming. Still, it's not the same, and it takes some adjustment.

 

One thing that has changed is how the hugs feel. When the guys were little, it was me protecting and nurturing them. Now, a big hug feels a bit like they are protecting and nurturing *me*. I had to leave off with the hugs for just a little while when they were first teens, because I could tell the boys felt different and a bit awkward. Then, gradually, hugs became commonplace again, although as I said, the feel of them has changed.

 

In my opinion, raising teens (even really well-behaved teens) is just plain harder than raising the littles. There's also a new feeling of urgency, that my time of training them is running out, and that I have to intensively "fix" whatever little things I see and don't like. It's a fine line, I think, to try and get a grip on which things are worth struggling with, and which things aren't. Some of the things I tried to teach them as they were growing up seem to have disappeared. I think, from dealing with my almost-18 yo, that it's temporary. He's nearly as sweet now as he was when he was a little guy, and I have hope that the other boys will follow the same pattern.

 

Anyway, it's true that there will probably be some rocky roads ahead. Even the best teens are challenging in some areas. Hang in there. Remind yourself that change isn't something to be afraid of (I literally have to remind myself multiple times daily!), and that eventually teens will give way to different but just as good times.

 

At this point, I look forward to grandchildren. It'll be my next chance to have the snuggling I need to feel like myself. There's a reason grandparents look forward to seeing babies come!

 

All these rambling thoughts, just to say, "hang in there!". :grouphug: (I'm with you, friend!)

[Jennifer in MI]

Colleen, I sympathize with how you feel. We're further along than you are, and I've gradually adapted to being a mom of teens. Imo, what you're feeling is totally normal. It's been a bittersweet progression for me, because I keenly felt the loss of my sweet little guys. I have a picture of my boys when they were 4, 5 1/2, and 7, and I keep it posted above my desk. In some ways it makes me long for bygone days even more, but it also serves as a reminder of who my boys were and *who they still are* underneath all of that teenage male brusqueness (sp?).

 

Please everyone, don't misunderstand me. My boys are *wonderful* young men now. I'm very pleased with the men they are becoming. Still, it's not the same, and it takes some adjustment.

 

One thing that has changed is how the hugs feel. When the guys were little, it was me protecting and nurturing them. Now, a big hug feels a bit like they are protecting and nurturing *me*. I had to leave off with the hugs for just a little while when they were first teens, because I could tell the boys felt different and a bit awkward. Then, gradually, hugs became commonplace again, although as I said, the feel of them has changed.

 

In my opinion, raising teens (even really well-behaved teens) is just plain harder than raising the littles. There's also a new feeling of urgency, that my time of training them is running out, and that I have to intensively "fix" whatever little things I see and don't like. It's a fine line, I think, to try and get a grip on which things are worth struggling with, and which things aren't. Some of the things I tried to teach them as they were growing up seem to have disappeared. I think, from dealing with my almost-18 yo, that it's temporary. He's nearly as sweet now as he was when he was a little guy, and I have hope that the other boys will follow the same pattern.

 

Anyway, it's true that there will probably be some rocky roads ahead. Even the best teens are challenging in some areas. Hang in there. Remind yourself that change isn't something to be afraid of (I literally have to remind myself multiple times daily!), and that eventually teens will give way to different but just as good times.

 

At this point, I look forward to grandchildren. It'll be my next chance to have the snuggling I need to feel like myself. There's a reason grandparents look forward to seeing babies come!

 

All these rambling thoughts, just to say, "hang in there!". :grouphug: (I'm with you, friend!)

 

Oh Julie! This made me cry!! The part about the hugs changing in particular. Thank you for your words!!

[BMW]

I also understand, Colleen. My first two teens were girls. Just this morning my 19 yr old told my 17 yr old, "The difference between 17 and 18 years olds is that 17 year olds think they have all the answers and 18 year olds find out they really don't."!!! I laugh because this oldest fought me a lot. But I loved her and still do. Her worst moments were 13 and 14, then again for a while at 16 and 17, but not as bad as before.

 

My 15 yr old boy is wonderful. Don't throw anything at me! He really is. I have seen an attitude in his face and shoulders about 3 times so far in these teen years and feel blessed. He is one great guy.

 

The other 5 boys... I don't know!!! The other 14 yr old girl?? True to her nature since birth, she has me laughing or crying!!

 

I know what you mean about years ahead dealing with this age... I love the picture above the computer of the children in younger years to remind us of the beautiful children that we had/have. But, these years are different and they are hard. They are much more exhausting to me than the earlier years. The challenges are so much more complex... it's no longer what playground we will play at or "no running with sticks in your hands"!! It's curfews and knowing who their friends are and teaching driving and dealing with the teen attitudes... and facing issues of dating, contraception (I teach it as a topic of responsibility because although I teach a very firm "not until marriage" I have open eyes and all around me society pressures to the opposite of that and I am not wanting to deal with pregnancies and teens), issues of politics and expressing our values in a contrary world, schooling (I've taught them at home and had them in ps both), expectations, honesty at a whole new level... Late night conversations and pouring myself out over and over again... And in this economy, I face all new fears - several of mine are coming up on adulthood wondering what to do with their lives and it's hard when I cannot financially help them... we are all looking for ways to save money and make money and the future is a challenge... Anyway, I'm just rambling, but I understand your op.

 

BTW, Thanks, Julie, for the lovely post.

[myfunnybunch]

Thirteen was/is a difficult age for both of my teens. Change in any relationship can be grating and trying and head-&-brick-wall-ish. I've found with my girls that the more we all adjust to the new relationships that come along with transitioning to teenage-hood, the more we all seem to enjoy one another.

 

Heh...this from a mom who was nearly in tears last night when I ran across a photo of my little pigtailed girl playing with a doll.

 

I miss my babies. I find myself grieving a little over the passing of their childhood. It takes a lot of effort to remind myself to appreciate them for who they are, especially when they're struggling. I've had to grit my teeth at times. And I'm finally, especially with my oldest, able to step back and really watch my teens blossom into remarkable lovely young women. So I'm in between, I suppose, enjoying the journey, missing the little people they used to be.

 

Cat

[Cedarmom]

Julie, I was trying to put into words all my feeling about raising a teen, but now I don't need to because you did it so well!

Raising teens can be hard, but it can also be rewarding. Watching my son grow into a young man is very awesome.

[Colleen]

I appreciate all the replies, though I'm not able at the moment to acknowledge each one individually. I want to emphasize the fact that I am not complaining per se about my teenaged son. He's a great kid with a good work ethic, kind heart, etc. But the reality is that he and I do butt heads at times and that naturally feels discouraging and frustrating to me. There are times when I feel real anger from him and yes, that hurts. It does make me long to just feel his pudgy little hand in mine, to hear his cute mispronunciations. And so on. I love the pre-school years and it's just plain hard for me to think of the time in my very near future when all my boys will be passed that stage.

 

That's why, Julie, your post in particular really brings a lump to my throat. I started to quote and reply to parts of it, but every single word resonates with me. It's exactly how I feel. Thank you for sharing from your heart. Thank you for everyone who has taken the time to reply.

 

(For that matter, thank you to those who immediately give my threads a low rating the moment I post. Next to imitation, attention is the greatest form of flattery.:))

[katemary63]

To echo what some are saying - I agree that it is important to be available to talk when THEY need to talk. With my son, it was at 2:00 AM. I kid you not, he could not sleep at night and when he was up, I would often get up and hang out with him in the middle of the night. At first we were just watching TV. But invariably, he would start a conversation and we would talk. I would never have gotten to know his teenager mind the way I did, if I hadn't been willing to get up out of bed and hang out with him.

 

I was exhausted! But I KNOW he will never forget that I was there for him and with him when he needed me. He is grown now, lives in town and attends university. Guess what - every once in a while, he calls me in the middle of the night - just to talk. He still can't sleep. And I don't mind. My boy wants to talk to me and I am going to be there for him. So I get up in and go in the living room and we chat. I hope he never stops calling me - I don't care what time it is.

[LaMere Academy]

To echo what some are saying - I agree that it is important to be available to talk when THEY need to talk. With my son, it was at 2:00 AM. I kid you not, he could not sleep at night and when he was up, I would often get up and hang out with him in the middle of the night. At first we were just watching TV. But invariably, he would start a conversation and we would talk. I would never have gotten to know his teenager mind the way I did, if I hadn't been willing to get up out of bed and hang out with him.

 

I was exhausted! But I KNOW he will never forget that I was there for him and with him when he needed me. He is grown now, lives in town and attends university. Guess what - every once in a while, he calls me in the middle of the night - just to talk. He still can't sleep. And I don't mind. My boy wants to talk to me and I am going to be there for him. So I get up in and go in the living room and we chat. I hope he never stops calling me - I don't care what time it is.

 

Now THAT made me tear up.

 

I love my teens. I have so much fun with them, but YES they are much harder to parent than when they were little. Just today we had major teen girl drama here, and it lasted HOURS. Shocking stuff, never seen anything like it. Her brother actually was laughing in his room and said it sounded like a bad teen movie. Anyway, she got over it, and has said she's sorry, that I'm her best friend and that she realizes what she did wrong (to get the discipline she was freaking about) and everything is ok.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Julie's post was good :) I just have had a different experience.

 

We all have our moments as do our children. Hopefully, Colleen, your moment of concern has passed (for this day, week, month).

 

I wish all parents 100 times more joys than concerns and frustration.

[cathmom]

Give me a teen over 3 yo twins any day!

 

Because of this thread I figured out that I will be the parent of at least one teen from 2002-2028. That is 26 years.

[AnnetteB]

Aw, I don't have time to read all the replies, but teens are much like two year olds....not nearly as bad as all the warnings! My mother said that my sister and I were "alright until we were 13 and then we were awful." What she didn't like about the teen years is that we were not so easily controlled and had ideas of our own :glare: I have tried with my own teens to remember how I felt. I try to find something to love about all the stages and ages. We would not want a baby to stay a baby forever. Think of what the child would miss. Celebrate the milestones! I cried when each of the twentysomethings packed and moved into their own homes, but we did our job and they are now independent adults!! We have two teens now and four more to go. I am not looking forward to my own midlife change along with their puberties...that is a bit worrisome. We enjoy playing games together and the occasional food fight or Nerf battle :D

[Danestress]

the loss of that snuggly, compliant, adoring child. Our guys change as the grow up, and while I loved my teen, I really missed the little boy who followed me room to room telling me how great I was. It's okay to miss that. It's okay to feel sad about it. We *loved* those snuggly boys. Sometimes I can't believe I didn't just keep having them so that I would always have a toddler to rock.

 

I personally found a teenager very challenging - even a basically good kid. My son was mouthy at times and argumentative and sometimes he was unhappy, but he wasn't looking for *real* trouble. People would say to me, "Wow, your son really loves you." But it didn't feel like love at time, and I found it quite painful sapping of my energy - not every day, but often enough.

 

I also think that for me, a teenager was much harder on my marriage. DH and I both had to rethink our parenting, and it took a lot of work to get on the same page. It was the only time in our lives that either of us read self help books! We had some really difficult moments in our marriage when our son was in his argumentative stage, and while I think it made us stronger, it wasn't really fun and it wasn't s@xy and romantic and all the things you want marriage to be. It was very humbling.

 

There are many thing I love about parenting an adult (almost) son. Mine will be 21 next week. We have a really good relationship. It's not perfect. There is conflict at times, but there is a lot of affection and laughter and joy too. But there are two adults now in this relationship, and that's just harder. I don't call the shots (sob!) and have to negotiate, persuade, and expend a lot of energy on things like, "Yes, you really DO have to spend the money to get your radiator repaired, even if that does impact your spring break plans." But if I could turn him back into a five year old, I wouldn't. Not even for one day. He is what he was meant to be, and that's clear. And I honestly love him the way he is.

 

The thing is, I'm convinced that most women are not really "full grown" until they have gotten through some teen years. God had SO much work to do on me, and he used my son to do a lot of it. But it hurt somedays, and you are definitely entering a period of life that involves a lot of hurt, patience, prayer and opportunity for growth.

 

Anyway, (((((Hugs)))))))

[Lovedtodeath]

I know what you mean. It is a biological process that we have attachment hormones connected to physical closeness. Cuddly physical contact has always meant a lot to me. It is sometimes very hard to feel a strong family attachment and love without it. I sometimes find myself drifting away from DD and being a little less patient with her if I don't get that cuddly time with her.

 

I am sorry that it seems like some here didn't get your meaning. Happens to me all the time.;) :lol:

Edited February 4, 2009 by Lovedtodeath

[Staci in FL]

Age of Opportunity by Paul Tripp. It is a fabulous book. It is the best parenting book I've ever read. It is about raising teens and it is EXTREMELY encouraging. I picked it up because I teach the High School Sunday School class at church, but I've found it very helpful as I think through how things are going to look around here when there are four teens. Just thought I'd throw that out there for you. Again, it is very encouraging. It might make you feel better!

 

Hope that helps!

Staci

[Janice in NJ]

Oh Colleen,

 

I'm so sorry that you're feeling a bit blue.

 

Hang onto those boys! My oldest and I (15) still go head-to-head once a while (OK - it's more like my forehead glaring against his Adam's apple. :001_smile:) BUT it was WAY worse 18 months ago. We're mellowing - both of us. We're finding our way.

 

So hang onto those boys! They still need their momma - even though they may not think they do. They do! :001_smile:

 

Sometimes I long for the cuddlies of when they were little - I've read your posts in the past and while I don't think that I loved the baby/toddler stage as much as you did, I still miss it. Sometimes. OK - sometimes more than others. And then again sometimes less - so I'm not as consistent as you've been over the years. :001_smile:

 

I'm trying to live for the day; searching for lots of silver linings that I can look forward to for tomorrow. I've had to grow in order to find the peace to look forward. For sure! But it's there; at least it has been for me. I hope that you can find and HANG onto the glimmers that you can locate in your days ahead; they must be there - you have such a BEAUTIFUL family!!!!

 

Hang on, sister! They feel your love for them even though they may not let on. (And I hear ya. THAT'S something to miss!) But it matters. It really matters! So just keep dumping it their way.

 

Keep on rockin!!!!!! ... as I know you are! :001_smile:

 

Peace to you and yours!

Janice

[buddhabelly]

Don't you hate it when people who have NO experience with your problem post in response to you? :tongue_smilie:

 

Just two thoughts, having been a teenager myself once. One, I think the parent needs to detach a little bit at this point simply to preserve his/her sanity. But my parents did this a little too well when I reached my very horrible teenage years. So I guess it is a tightrope: let them make mistakes, let them see how their behavior adversely affects their friendships, but also somehow let them know you still love them completely. Instead of "I don't care what you do," "I care, but you still need to find your own way sometimes."

 

And secondly, remembering your own teenage years might help you find a little more compassion and (consequently) tolerance?

 

I'm saying all this in a very hopeful way, since I'll have a teen before I know it. Best wishes,

 

Julie

[Osmosis Mom]

Hey Colleen, count your blessings -you only have boys!!! Try having a moody (or pms'ing) teen girl in your house and you'd probably feel like leaving your life like I do some days!!!!!

 

More seriously, then it'll take a while, this mourning, but then suddenly one day you'll realise that you really like this new kid and that you are totally fine with his growing up.

 

My three oldest are 17, 15 and 13 (this is the boy) and I am actually mostly enjoying them now. Well, of course I am enjoying my oldest who is in college, but she actually re-turned to humanity at age 15 (girls can be rough).

 

Yesterday I met an ex-homeschooler's 17 yo ds and he was so sweet, polite, and just nice. He was also really tall and grown-up and made me look forward to seeing my oldest son this age.

 

Hang in there!!

[Nan in Mass]

There is this parenting book that I like called The Five Love Languages of Children. There is also another, called The Five Love Languages of Teenagers. I show my love by cuddling. When my first child hit the teen years, and I couldn't anymore, BOTH of us fell apart. He couldn't feel my love, and I couldn't show my love. There has got to be a better way SIGH. The next two, I managed much better. My middle one continued to want hugs and want to talk to me and want to be with me. He's my empathic one. Even if he himself hadn't wanted it, he knew/knows that I do, and he can't bear to hurt me. The youngest was very prickly around 13, but was just as snuggly as his brothers had been, and I instituted a policy of scratching his back or rubbing his shoulders, and that has worked pretty well. I homeschooled the younger two past 13yo (unlike their brother) and we have a really small sofa and I sit in between my two teen boys and have to cock my shoulders to acommodate their wide ones and although we're struggling with Latin and it isn't at all the same as reading Pooh, at least we're touching. And things didn't stay bad with the oldest forever. He hugs me whenever he sees me and tells me he loves me. But you are right - it isn't the same. I can't bear to look at the pictures of them when they were littler, I miss that stage of my life so much. I love my young men just as much, obviously, and we have lots of fun and lots of great times. The cross-country trip we took this summer was heavenly. And I have never been as happy as I have been the past five summers when we are all sailing together on our boat with my parents in their boat. But it still isn't the same. I volunteered to take my sister's baby a few days a hours a week to have some of that snuggle time. The thing that really saves me is the dog and the cat. I guess I just like having someone to take care of all the time, to be with me all the time, to love me uncritically, to snuggle with. The dog and the cat are good at that GRIN and I love them very much and they have lovely soft fur and they love me. Can you have animals, if you like them? I keep thinking it will be nice when my husband retires and is around all the time. I keep thinking how much worse it is for my husband, who was always jealous of how much touching I got and who now gets even less and can't take the dog to work with him. And I keep thinking how much worse it would be if they didn't grow up. I guess none of this is very comforting. The TV and cookie advice is better GRIN.

-Nan

[Danestress]

I read somewhere that many boys hardly get touched at all after they are 10 and 11 and until they have their first girlfriend.

 

I thought that was pathetic, and I made a point of touching my son a lot when he was a teenager. Did we sit and snuggle? No. But gave him hugs, squeezed and rubbed his shoulders - whatever touches I could get in, I gave. He always accepted it very well. I wouldn't say that he's a super affectionate person physically, but he never seemed to be bothered by it and probably appreciated it.

 

It's pretty awful to think that a 14 year old boy has no one in his life to hug him!

[tinag]

Age of Opportunity by Paul Tripp. It is a fabulous book. It is the best parenting book I've ever read. It is about raising teens and it is EXTREMELY encouraging. I picked it up because I teach the High School Sunday School class at church, but I've found it very helpful as I think through how things are going to look around here when there are four teens. Just thought I'd throw that out there for you. Again, it is very encouraging. It might make you feel better!

 

Hope that helps!

Staci

 

I have to agree with this book rec. I have a 15yo ds that is giving me a run for my money and this book really helps me keep things in perspective. It is the most encouraging book I have read. I pick this book up all the time just to scan through things I have highlighted to encourage me and keep me going.

[Nan in Mass]

That bit about girlfriends is food for thought, huh? Poor boys... When my oldest rescued a dog, we knew it was one of the best things that could have happened to him. The transition to college was much, much harder because he couldn't bring his dog with him. So maybe pets help for the boys (and girls) as well as the mums. Our dog gets cuddled so much that I'm surprised she doesn't look like the children's teddies with all her fur rubbed off. I guess I knew why but I didn't know I knew it. Wow. Thanks.

-Nan

[LibraryLover]

I have a 16 yr old who is a peach. A 20 yr old who never gave me a moment's concern.

 

However, my 15 year old is driving me nuts!

 

If you have enough kids, one of them is bound to challenge.;)

 

He is a sweetie. A good big brother and a fun younger brother. However, he is the most 'typical' of my kids. He had a gf and everything.

 

lol

 

We all kiss & hug him each day...and soem,times he's recpetive and sometimes not as much. Dh & I make sure to tuck him in each night and whisper "I love you" in his ear as he sleeps.

Edited February 5, 2009 by LibraryLover

[Audrey]

 

I didn't dread these years, either, but there are days that aren't awesome. You've shared about some less-than-awesome experiences of our own, so I'm sure you can understand that. At this moment in time, I needed a shoulder to cry on.

 

 

[shoulder]

 

I can only sympathize Colleen. :grouphug: I've only got the one kid, so it's a one shot deal for me. I can't imagine 15 years of teens, but I've got shoulders made by Kleenex.

Edited February 5, 2009 by Audrey

[Barb_]

I have a 16 yr old who is a peach. A 20 yr old who never gave me a moment's concern.

 

However, my 15 year old is driving me nuts!

 

If you have enough kids, one of them is bound to challenge.;)

 

This is an excellent point. Could be your oldest will also be your most difficult, Colleen. Mine was :glare:

 

Good news is, now that she has spent a semester away at school she has come home a humbler soul. Life is better all around.

 

Hugs, Barb

[WTMindy]

:grouphug:Colleen:grouphug:

 

I was just thinking this morning as the garbage truck came by that there was a time when that was one of the highlights of our week. We would stop homeschooling (ds was only 3 when we started) and all race to the window to watch it. Nobody even noticed this morning when it went by and it made me nostalgic.

 

I love teens, I teach them, they make me laugh, but I think it will be difficult to have my own be there. It is so much easier for me to laugh at their foibles when I don't ultimately feel responsible to "fix" them. I actually pray quite a bit that God will give me the same love and understanding for my own children when they are teens as I have for other people's teens. :001_smile:

 

I do think that 13-14 is a really hard age for boys. My least favorite age for boys is from about 10-14, but then they get fun again, at least that has been my experience in the classroom. They will never race to the window in wonder of the garbage truck, but I'm praying there will be new and wonderful delights to carry me through until they can give me grandchildren!!

[Nan in Mass]

I think the cuddle time has been replaced by "windshield" time. When I go someplace, the child in the front seat next to me is "cuddling" with me. And it is really fun to take a crowd of teenagers someplace, all taller than you, and all telling you things. And it is sweet when they take care of you - pump gas for you or carry your backpack. It certainly isn't all bad. There is a lot to forward to, also.

-Nan

[Chris in VA]

coming in late--you are probably fine now!

 

As you know, I have a "hard" teen. It's been so hard. But even in the worst of it, there was an underlying joy that is difficult to articulate. I guess it's just living the life you are given, y'know? All of it--good and bad, comfy and rough, snuggly times and times you want to lay down and just let the water take you away.

 

There was a time I thought my life was so awful, actually thought I was so awful, that I just couldn't bear it anymore, and I stood on the canal bridges, and watched the blue water running underneath, and I wanted to go with it. I wrote a poem about it --part of it said

 

If I had only known

which way my vining life would grow

I doubt I'd still be here

Still, I'd be, in clear blue water and away

 

There were good people and prayers and God to lift me out of that depression. I think it had to do with being depleted physically, and just needing to mature, in order to face the "dailyness" of my life.

 

And it happened when I had wonderful, sweet preschoolers, not defiant, rebellious, addicted teens.

 

I've learned to love whatever stage I'm in--though I certainly wasn't prepared for my life with my prodigal teen and my almost- Aspie, and things can be rough, there is now a joy so deep in my life, in just the living of it, that I am willing to walk whatever road I have left to travel, just because it is my path.

 

I totally get what you are saying in your post about mourning the loss of the snuggly times, and how it's hard to look forward with joy. I'd say, learn to embrace the times ahead--know they are as much a growing time for you as for your children. As much as they will grow up, you will grow deep. Take care of yourself (and that can be hard without a lot of support--so find it) and be aware of Grace, even as the teen years knock you on your rear occasionally. Hang in there. It gets...better? I'm hoping so--but even if it never does, the trick is to deal with what you've got, and be grateful.

 

Thanks for making me think about it today.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I agree totally. My son, who's almost 15, has been a joy since birth--snuggly, huggy, polite, you name it. Of course there's the occasional eye roll at something I've said, but I've never dreaded the teen years at all. I think it's a combination of genetics and parental attitudes that made him this way. I also think he'd be mortified if he ever heard me say, however casually, that I "hate" thinking about mothering teens another 15 years. Yipes!! And yes, Colleen, you stated you needed a shoulder to cry on, I get that. It's just that your original statement, with the word Hate, sounded pretty serious. Guess I should remember your reasonings when this happens. Cheers.

 

Well, my one kiddo has always been a dear, but my other one was extremely rough as a little. I work with other parents and still have found only one that rivals how he was. So I know everything isn't always perfect or even wonderful. But I tried really hard and have the proof now :)

 

My response wasn't to say how perfect my life is with teens anyway though. Colleen stated things VERY strongly and it sounded like she needed to change things (her attitude, parenting, whatever) in order to not be MISERABLE for the next 15 years. So many people just keep doing what isn't working, that I would hate for that to be the case for ANYONE on this board.

 

I assume, from her responses, that Colleen didn't really mean any of what she originally said, but was just venting.

 

I'm not so sure I can be blamed for taking her at face value though.

 

I definitely understand venting and think we should all be safe in doing so here. But I don't think misunderstanding her original post is completely my fault.

 

And I DO think that parenting teens is AWESOME. It isn't perfect (which I was more than clear about in my first response), but it's GREAT. And definitely something I wish was shouted from the rooftops so people didn't worry about it so much. Parents can really make it a good situation (not perfect, but great). I love littles, but teens are better imo!

[Sophia]

Beautifully expressed Chris.

This blessed me today.

[Kelli in TN]

coming in late--you are probably fine now!

 

As you know, I have a "hard" teen. It's been so hard. But even in the worst of it, there was an underlying joy that is difficult to articulate. I guess it's just living the life you are given, y'know? All of it--good and bad, comfy and rough, snuggly times and times you want to lay down and just let the water take you away.

 

There was a time I thought my life was so awful, actually thought I was so awful, that I just couldn't bear it anymore, and I stood on the canal bridges, and watched the blue water running underneath, and I wanted to go with it. I wrote a poem about it --part of it said

 

If I had only known

which way my vining life would grow

I doubt I'd still be here

Still, I'd be, in clear blue water and away

 

There were good people and prayers and God to lift me out of that depression. I think it had to do with being depleted physically, and just needing to mature, in order to face the "dailyness" of my life.

 

And it happened when I had wonderful, sweet preschoolers, not defiant, rebellious, addicted teens.

 

I've learned to love whatever stage I'm in--though I certainly wasn't prepared for my life with my prodigal teen and my almost- Aspie, and things can be rough, there is now a joy so deep in my life, in just the living of it, that I am willing to walk whatever road I have left to travel, just because it is my path.

 

I totally get what you are saying in your post about mourning the loss of the snuggly times, and how it's hard to look forward with joy. I'd say, learn to embrace the times ahead--know they are as much a growing time for you as for your children. As much as they will grow up, you will grow deep. Take care of yourself (and that can be hard without a lot of support--so find it) and be aware of Grace, even as the teen years knock you on your rear occasionally. Hang in there. It gets...better? I'm hoping so--but even if it never does, the trick is to deal with what you've got, and be grateful.

 

Thanks for making me think about it today.

 

Oh. My. Goodness.

 

 

You know I have walked through those valleys too. What a beautiful way to put this. Parenting a challenging teen takes everything out of you sometimes, doesn't it?

 

Just breathe your life. Completely and fully, let all of the pain and joy and anguish and delight in. And then let it all flow out of you again. And again. And again.

 

And Chris, it gets better. Sometimes it gets better and then it gets worse again. And sometimes it just gets better. And sometimes you find that when the challenging teen becomes an adult and lives anywhere other than with his/her parents the healing can start.

 

Sometimes your worst nightmares turn out better than your fondest dreams.