The thought of raising teens for the next 15 is so...daunting? depressing?

[Chris in VA]

Just breathe your life. Completely and fully, let all of the pain and joy and anguish and delight in. And then let it all flow out of you again. And again. And again.

 

 

 

Kelli,

I was wondering where I got this idea from--I liked it so much I put it in my sig!

Thanks

[mcconnellboys]

LOL, I'm sorry for you, really. To offer perhaps a little ray of hope, there are time periods when the hormones even out some and you get some respite. Times when even a teen may try to ingratiate themselves with you, be lovey-dovey toward you, etc. My almost seventeen year old has been almost human this school year, and certainly more generous toward me. I've thrown a few tantrums in the past year based on his behaviour and I think he's had some time to think about that, see that I'm a person with feelings too, and come to appreciate how darn hard I work for him every day.

 

If misery loves company, I've still got about 8 more years of time to serve, too (and I'm rilly, rilly old already). I'm figuring they can just cart me off to the old folks home by the time I get done, 'cause I'll probably be just a pile 'o mush by then.....

[Guest janainaz]

That fear wakes me up at night. Of all things I want to do right in my life, it's parenting and I'm terrified I don't have the tools and the teen years are around the corner. It literally takes my breath away knowing my first turns 9 this month. He just came out, how can he be 9 already. It is so difficult watching both of my kids grow up and I want to keep them close in the teen years (at least emotionally). I just sigh and pray.

[Colleen]

Wow. I don't know when I've last been as teary while reading this board. (Granted, I'm making it worse for myself by listening to Vertical Horizon's "Best I Ever Had". Yeah, it's about romantic, not parent/child love, but still...) Thanks again to all of you for sharing from the heart. So much of what was expressed here resonated with me.

 

You will get the pleasure of being hugged by a child that is bigger than you. You will get interesting, late-night discussions with a young adult that is considering the questions of life for the first time.

 

I feel like a heel admitting this, but things like hugs from children bigger than I am, or late-night discussions with young adults, don't sound particularly appealing to me. I'm apparently missing that mommy gene and will have to cultivate it.

 

But you are right - it isn't the same. I can't bear to look at the pictures of them when they were littler, I miss that stage of my life so much...The thing that really saves me is the dog and the cat. I guess I just like having someone to take care of all the time, to be with me all the time, to love me uncritically, to snuggle with.

 

Oh, (((Nan))). Now you're getting at the heart of it. The snuggly, unconditional, uncritical love has meant so much to me as a mother. And it's funny you mention pets. I'm not really a pet person (though I enjoyed our pets when I was growing up) and I used to wonder how grown people could get so attached to animals. The older I get, the more I look in the crystal ball and see myself attached to a cuddly creature for the reasons you mentioned.

 

I was just thinking this morning as the garbage truck came by that there was a time when that was one of the highlights of our week. We would stop homeschooling (ds was only 3 when we started) and all race to the window to watch it. Nobody even noticed this morning when it went by and it made me nostalgic.

 

(Pause while I wipe tears from my eyes...) Yes, the sheer wonder of a little child is so precious; I'm sad when I think of not living with that.

 

Just train yourself to tirelessly take advantage of them (as in, it's 10:30 pm and I really want my quiet time... but yes, I'll watch your favorite Super Bowl commercial one...more...time....). I predict that these conversations will eventually be the very thing that recharges your batteries.

 

Mmm, I hope you're right. As a person who thrives on time alone, it's difficult to imagine being recharged in this way. I guess, like you said, training myself is part of the process.

 

I assume, from her responses, that Colleen didn't really mean any of what she originally said, but was just venting...I don't think misunderstanding her original post is completely my fault.

 

No, it isn't your fault, Pamela. I do appreciate your posts and I can benefit from what you've said. It's true that I primarily wanted to express a feeling and find a receptive shoulder or two, but it's also true that I'm not eager about parenting the teen years. Not because I think it's nothing but gloom and doom. Not because I've dreaded it or buy into the "teens are awful" mantra. Just because my personality doesn't mesh particularly well with teens, and because what often comforts me is the unconditional love from a little person. I don't think I'm alone in that, based on what many have shared here. It is very, very difficult for me to think of navigating the years ahead without that "little person love". I realize it gets replaced by other things, but to me, moving on from this stage of parenting little people brings with it a very real sense of grief. That, along with learning how to parent a teen, is...hard.

 

I also thrive on the cuddly, need-you-more-then- anything attachment of a child less then say, age 10...When my kids were 16, 15 and 10, I solved my problem forever - I had another baby!...I made it through 3 teens just fine because when those, "I don't get you and have no idea what to do now" moments came, I could just cuddle on and hug all over DD7 and get my "fix".

 

Oh, GREAT! Just what I needed to hear when I'm still in mourning over the fact that I'm done having babies.;) You know, this is all so surprising to me. I never considered myself a "baby person" ~ or even a "little kid person", for that matter. But once I had my last son, I felt so keenly that poignant end of an era. People told me it would pass. People said once my youngest son was somewhat independent, I'd appreciate this next season. And yes, I do appreciate many things about this season, but I still miss what was. I still wish I could have another baby. So what you said here really hits home for me.

 

To echo what some are saying - I agree that it is important to be available to talk when THEY need to talk. With my son, it was at 2:00 AM. I kid you not, he could not sleep at night and when he was up, I would often get up and hang out with him in the middle of the night. At first we were just watching TV. But invariably, he would start a conversation and we would talk. I would never have gotten to know his teenager mind the way I did, if I hadn't been willing to get up out of bed and hang out with him.

 

Like I said in response to someone else, I guess I'm going to have to train myself to take advantage of these kinds of opportunities. It's so hard to fathom, because I love being alone, especially at night.

 

Age of Opportunity by Paul Tripp.

 

I've heard good things about this book before; thanks for mentioning it.:)

 

the loss of that snuggly, compliant, adoring child. Our guys change as the grow up, and while I loved my teen, I really missed the little boy who followed me room to room telling me how great I was. It's okay to miss that. It's okay to feel sad about it. We *loved* those snuggly boys. Sometimes I can't believe I didn't just keep having them so that I would always have a toddler to rock.

 

(Another eye-wiping break...) Yes, that's exactly how I feel; like I want/need a permanent toddler to get me through the next phase of life.

 

I personally found a teenager very challenging - even a basically good kid. My son was mouthy at times and argumentative and sometimes he was unhappy, but he wasn't looking for *real* trouble. People would say to me, "Wow, your son really loves you." But it didn't feel like love at time, and I found it quite painful sapping of my energy - not every day, but often enough.

 

The thing is, I'm convinced that most women are not really "full grown" until they have gotten through some teen years. God had SO much work to do on me, and he used my son to do a lot of it. But it hurt somedays, and you are definitely entering a period of life that involves a lot of hurt, patience, prayer and opportunity for growth.

 

Oh, man. I am so, so emotional right now and reading all these posts makes me even more cognizant of my feelings. I just...I feel like I don't have the emotional energy, you know? I don't want to deal with the hard stuff. I want to stay in the picture book section of the library, with my head buried in Make Way for Ducklings, blissfully unaware of all else.

 

coming in late--you are probably fine now!

 

No worries; I'm not fine.;)

 

I totally get what you are saying in your post about mourning the loss of the snuggly times, and how it's hard to look forward with joy. I'd say, learn to embrace the times ahead--know they are as much a growing time for you as for your children. As much as they will grow up, you will grow deep. Take care of yourself (and that can be hard without a lot of support--so find it) and be aware of Grace, even as the teen years knock you on your rear occasionally. Hang in there. It gets...better? I'm hoping so--but even if it never does, the trick is to deal with what you've got, and be grateful.

 

Thanks for this, (((Chris))).

 

Just breathe your life. Completely and fully, let all of the pain and joy and anguish and delight in. And then let it all flow out of you again. And again. And again.

 

So-o-o-o...are you saying I can't just stay in the picture book section? Drat!

 

Keep on rockin!!!!!! ... as I know you are!

 

Thanks, Janice ~ and all ~ for the encouragement.

Edited February 6, 2009 by Colleen
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[Nan in Mass]

You CAN still have the picture book stage. Almost. Great books aloud together is VERY close. Yes it is easier to read Jeremy Fisher than Beowulf, or a Berenstein Bear book about trouble with friends than an adult novel about the same subject, but it is surprisingly close to the same thing.

 

And if you are good about "going and seeing" when they want to show you something, the whole garbage truck thing still happens, just with something a bit more sophisticated than the garbage truck. I happen to be pretty unsophisticated, but honestly, my teenagers aren't that much more so than I. I spent the trip to community college yesterday listening to my 14yo's descriptions of the beautiful ice crystals inside a half-frozen water bottle. I listen to blow-by-blow descriptions of dungeon and dragon battles and snowboard tricks and comedy routines and jokes and movies. The trick is to KEEP LISTENING. The moment you let your mind wander, you get lost and then it is boring. You have to make sure you keep following what they are saying. And as people have pointed out, you have to do it right away when they want to.

 

I drink tea at intervals throughout the day. If you have something like that, teach your children to make you a cup. Then they have something concrete they can do to help you, when they feel like it. They can still comfort you, you just have to teach them how to do it in a more remote way.

 

Tell your children when they hurt your feelings. Don't make a scene about it, but tell them firmly. If a toddler pulls your hair, you tell them that it hurts you, right? Well, you can tell a teenager the same way, with the assumption that they didn't mean to, that they just didn't know. Yes, sometimes they do want to hurt you, or are mad at you, but most of the time mine just didn't think about it. Make your children pay attention to you, not a lot, but enough that they think about what they say and do around you. Their wives will thank you.

 

Don't pay attention to the tone of their voice, pay attention to their words. Their tone somehow gets stuck in angry. They can't hear what it sounds like, and have no idea they are doing it. Listen to their words and tune out the tone. Or just straight ask them if they meant to sound angry.

 

And about that permanent toddler? It is called a dog LOL. I didn't chose to get a dog; my son rescued one, but she turned out to be the best antidote to teenagers that you could possibly imagine short of another baby. She comes and leans against me whenever I'm unhappy because someone is yelling at me. She tries to comfort me dog-fashion, which turns out to be the same as toddler fashion - a body thing, not a word thing. Maybe you should consider finding an adult dog to adopt. A puppy would require energy, but a nice calm adult dog is a fairly effortless comfort, other than having to remember to take her with me whenever possible and brush and bath her from time to time. She fixes me rather than drains me. And unfortunately, teenagers are very emotionally draining.

 

Take full advantage of your husband, too, if you can.

 

Hugs,

-Nan