Our youngest

[Ausmumof3]

I reckon different families have different ways and that’s ok. I hope my kids come home plenty if they move out, but I’d probably like a text. It’s not exactly hard to send someone a ten second text and it’s polite and then if there is anything going on that means it’s not a good time there’s no awkwardness. But I think there’s 23 and 23 also. Like at 23 we were married and not far off our first baby. But 23 and just moved out is a different relationship to that and might mean something is different and appropriate. 

[Pawz4me]

Scarlett, just to reiterate what others have said -- It's your house and you can make the rules. Asking for advance notice certainly isn't unusual or over the top, even if other people have an open door policy. People and family dynamics and circumstances are all different. There's no right or wrong here.

[livetoread]

I think either way is fine. Our youngest lives 45 min away and just shows up and walks in, which I'm good with. I actually did startle the other day as I was coming down the stairs and could only see some legs with Doc Martins sticking out in the family room. It was only a split second before I recognized youngest's footwear, but I did jump. Generally though, it's no problem, and for me, I'd rather my anxious one felt this was home base as completely and unreservedly as possible. I'm sure most kids could still feel that way even with being asked to notify, so no judgement.

[Meriwether]

My kids are free to walk right in. If they come home while I am out, I will see their car. If they come in while I am home, they would call out to see where I am. If I am lucky enough for my kids to live near me after college, I would be thrilled if they just pop in a lot. I walk into my parents' house like I own it. lol It will always be home. I do try to make it easy for them to have me and my family.

[SKL]

Yeah, before cell phones, calling long distance on my negative budget would have been harder.  But back then, my younger sibs still lived at home, so parental privacy / agency was not a thing.  😛

It's today, and most likely our kids have already told half a dozen people where they're going, what they're eating and what they're wearing by 9am.  😛  They can text Mom when they're coming over.

[Bootsie]

I am curious to know:  those who want their children to let them know before they will visit, hos much notice do you want?  If you want to make sure you have food, are home yourself, not busy with some other activity, etc.--how much notice do you prefer?  

I am not one who keeps my phone on me at all times.  If I am by the pool or engrossed in other activites, chances are I am not going to be checking my text messages to realize Child is on the way!

[Clarita]

@Scarlett except for when I lived under the same roof as my parents, I always give some sort of notice to my mom and my in-laws that I'm coming over. I don't have the keys to my in-laws house, though I know my family is always welcome there. 

We are all fine and we all have a healthy relationship with one another. None of the parental units even wander around naked they just may wander around in a state that they don't want other people seeing them in. I respect that.

I call or text and wait for an OK before heading over. Does it sometimes impede on my schedule? Yes. Does it mean that sometimes a visit doesn't end up happening because someone didn't check their phone often enough? Yes. We are all adults. If it's the curtesy I would give to a friend why wouldn't I give that to my parents. 

[EKS]

My adult sons don't live locally.  If they did, I would expect that they would text me and ask if it was ok to come over and then be ok with it if I said no.

That said, I move heaven and earth to be available to them when they want to talk.  So I would think it would be similar if they wanted to come over.

With regard to the laundry, I'd be happy to let them use our facilities, but they would need to do it at a particular time or understand that if they wanted to do it at random times it might not be available.  Also, leaving stuff in the machines would not be acceptable.  Just as it wasn't when they were living here.

[Clemsondana]

6 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

I am curious to know:  those who want their children to let them know before they will visit, hos much notice do you want?  If you want to make sure you have food, are home yourself, not busy with some other activity, etc.--how much notice do you prefer?  

I am not one who keeps my phone on me at all times.  If I am by the pool or engrossed in other activites, chances are I am not going to be checking my text messages to realize Child is on the way!

Whenever I know.  It could be 'I'll be running this errand and may stop by tomorrow afternoon' or it could be 'I'm at Place and can stop by with Treats once I'm done'.  This isn't legalistic, it's just what we normally do.  The food thing is around mealtime - if we are headed that way and it's near a meal time, it gives the option of them waiting to eat until after we are gone or them saying 'Stay for dinner' if that works better.  I guess they could sit there and eat while we watch but that would be strange.  It's a 20 minute drive between houses, so it would be weird to head over with no communication and expect them to be there.  If I'm doing something nearby and might swing by, I'll text and/or call.  If I call and get no answer, then I know they aren't home since they always answer their landline if they are there.  If I don't care if they are there - there were great peaches and I'm stopping by with the extras that I got - then I text when I head that way and knock when I get there. Most likely Dad is sitting on the porch if he knows I'm headed over.  If they don't answer the door, I call to make sure they aren't in the basement and didn't hear it - it would scare anybody to hear people walking upstairs when they expect to be home alone - and if there's no answer I use my key to let myself in and put the peaches in the kitchen.  Sometimes I text and they say 'we'll be home in 20 minutes - let yourself in and we'll be there soon'.  A few times I've said 'I have a meeting after church at a place near your house and have an hour to kill in between' and they'll say to let myself in and hang out there even though they won't be there.  Just by virtue of where our houses are, they are both 5-10 minutes at a minimum from anywhere the other might be unexpectedly, so we wouldn't likely be near the other's house with no warning.  But, we'd send 'I'm at Store - are you home?' the same way we'd send 'I'm at Store - want to meet for lunch at Restaurant?'.  It could be 10 minutes or 2 hours warning, depending on what the plans are.  

[freesia]

20 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

I am curious to know:  those who want their children to let them know before they will visit, hos much notice do you want?  If you want to make sure you have food, are home yourself, not busy with some other activity, etc.--how much notice do you prefer?  

I am not one who keeps my phone on me at all times.  If I am by the pool or engrossed in other activites, chances are I am not going to be checking my text messages to realize Child is on the way!

I think I’d like 10 min notice or a knock on the door. But I’m not one that would be prepping to see them. I’m with the startle factor/fewer clothes/amorous dh  crowd 😂 

[freesia]

2 minutes ago, Clemsondana said:

Whenever I know.  It could be 'I'll be running this errand and may stop by tomorrow afternoon' or it could be 'I'm at Place and can stop by with Treats once I'm done'.  This isn't legalistic, it's just what we normally do.  The food thing is around mealtime - if we are headed that way and it's near a meal time, it gives the option of them waiting to eat until after we are gone or them saying 'Stay for dinner' if that works better.  I guess they could sit there and eat while we watch but that would be strange.  It's a 20 minute drive between houses, so it would be weird to head over with no communication and expect them to be there.  If I'm doing something nearby and might swing by, I'll text and/or call.  If I call and get no answer, then I know they aren't home since they always answer their landline if they are there.  If I don't care if they are there - there were great peaches and I'm stopping by with the extras that I got - then I text when I head that way and knock when I get there. Most likely Dad is sitting on the porch if he knows I'm headed over.  If they don't answer the door, I call to make sure they aren't in the basement and didn't hear it - it would scare anybody to hear people walking upstairs when they expect to be home alone - and if there's no answer I use my key to let myself in and put the peaches in the kitchen.  Sometimes I text and they say 'we'll be home in 20 minutes - let yourself in and we'll be there soon'.  A few times I've said 'I have a meeting after church at a place near your house and have an hour to kill in between' and they'll say to let myself in and hang out there even though they won't be there.  Just by virtue of where our houses are, they are both 5-10 minutes at a minimum from anywhere the other might be unexpectedly, so we wouldn't likely be near the other's house with no warning.  But, we'd send 'I'm at Store - are you home?' the same way we'd send 'I'm at Store - want to meet for lunch at Restaurant?'.  It could be 10 minutes or 2 hours warning, depending on what the plans are.  

This is how it worked when I lived local to my folks. 

[Corraleno]

3 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

If I had normal parents, and they visited, I might want more of a heads up than I would from my children. That’s funny. Why is that? I can’t see myself popping in on my sons. I’m sure they’d want notice. I wouldn’t feel comfortable popping in, either. Something about our kids place of growing up always being “home”, I guess?

Yeah, if I were going to my kids' apartment I would always text first (and wouldn't expect to go in if they weren't there), because that's never been my home. But my house is also my kids' home, they have bedrooms here and still have lots of their stuff here, and they're welcome to come by any time or move back if they want.

DD had her own apartment for a while, then moved back home to save money, and now mostly lives with her boyfriend but still stops by at least once a week and sometimes spends the night here. DS is here on and off during college breaks and will likely be moving home for a while when he leaves university next year. Nothing would make me happier than for both kids to settle in this area and continue to drop by as often as possible. 

[Indigo Blue]

12 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

Yeah, if I were going to my kids' apartment I would always text first (and wouldn't expect to go in if they weren't there), because that's never been my home. But my house is also my kids' home, they have bedrooms here and still have lots of their stuff here, and they're welcome to come by any time or move back if they want.

DD had her own apartment for a while, then moved back home to save money, and now mostly lives with her boyfriend but still stops by at least once a week and sometimes spends the night here. DS is here on and off during college breaks and will likely be moving home for a while when he leaves university next year. Nothing would make me happier than for both kids to settle in this area and continue to drop by as often as possible. 

I agree. I have one far away and one two hours away. That one sometimes spends the night and brings his cat. I love that so much. I love that both of them like to walk around in the woods to check out the places they played in their childhood, or they will just stand on the deck and get all nostalgic about the yard. They don’t know I notice them doing that. 🤫

 

It’s their home. Since birth. 

[Heartstrings]

My mom always wanted a heads up, because sometimes empty nesters brew tea at odd times of day and with no kids in the house tea can be brewed in a number of rooms.  So just a quick heads up text saying we were on our way.  You never know when people might randomly be off work and getting up to shenanigans.  
 

I never felt unwelcomed and stopped by whenever I felt like it.  A quick warning that I was running by didn’t hurt anything.  

Edited June 21 by Heartstrings

[Heartstrings]

12 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Not judging but they just blows my mind. How often does this happen? Are you ever startled? Or naked?

It kind of blows my mind too.   Occasionally all the younger kids are occupied or gone and we might decide to brew some tea while there’s a quick chance.  I’d be very unhappy to just have the eldest walk in, with his girlfriend!  Oh my.   
Maybe it’s a different level of comfort with nakedness or being caught in the act.  We aren’t people ok with our kids seeing us naked for example, but I know some people are. 

[Heartstrings]

1 hour ago, Bootsie said:

am curious to know:  those who want their children to let them know before they will visit, hos much notice do you want?  If you want to make sure you have food, are home yourself, not busy with some other activity, etc.--how much notice do you prefer?  

5 minutes or so?  Where I am it takes 15 minutes from “town” so at some point after they’ve made the decision to point a car here they can have Siri text mom.  If I’m not home they are welcome to come anyway.  They can come in the middle of the night, bring friends, cook brownies at 2am. Whatever.  

I’m also not dogmatic about it, if they forget it’s fine.  It’s my preference, not a draconian rule.  No adult children will be tarred or feathered if they forget. 

[marbel]

I was talking about this thread with my daughter today on our weekly coffee date. 💗 I asked about her habit of texting before she came home, how that started after she moved out. She said it was just normal to her, like of course she would text to see if it was a good time to come over so she could talk to whoever was home; she wouldn't want to come if no one was home, or had to leave right away. She also said that among all her friends, everyone texts frequently, even to let roommates know they are on the way home. "Mom, everyone texts all the time. It's not a big deal." 

She does let herself in with her key when she comes home. When I asked if she still feels like our house is home, she said of course she does. She knows she can spend the night in her old room (and has), could move home if she ever needed to, etc. Heck, her room looks almost like it did when she lived here; we are still working on that. 😀 (I want a sewing/crafting/hiding out room but with a bed for her.)

 

[Soror]

All of mine still live at home so I'm not at this point.Ds did live on campus for a semester. He is only here half of the time. I don't know when he's coming or going and don't care. Dd1 goes a lot but not as much. I still expect her to let us know when she's coming and going as she's just 17. Both of my older 2 have friend's and SOs that just show up at my house too. Sometimes I know. Sometimes I don't at this point it is not a big deal. I've learned to keep decent just in case.

However, I think after they are all off on their own they'd let us know before stopping by. I can't imagine stopping by my parent's house without letting them know ahead of time. Once I moved out and got married I let them know when I'd be around. It is not something we ever discussed but it seems like the polite thing to do. It has nothing to do with feeling welcome. Once I moved out it was no longer my home. I also don't want to go through the effort of visiting and then not seeing them. If I needed to use something at their house I'd make sure it would be available ahead of time.

 

 

 

 

[Hannah]

My kids both live about 2 hours drive away. They will tell me if they’re coming home a day or more in advance. They know I only buy snacks when I know they’re coming 😀.  They usually turn up with laundry. 

Edited June 21 by Hannah

[Hannah]

The kids are welcome to bring friends at any time and we’re the 2nd home for a few who live too far to go home regularly.  I do usually want a heads-up to know how much dinner to prepare. I learnt my lesson when they brought male friends!  We don’t keep a fully stocked freezer due to regular black-outs.
 

Edited June 21 by Hannah

[KidsHappen]

We have never truly had an empty nest yet but if that happened then some things might change. But we are also pretty open about sex in this family. Not like come on in and watch but there are three couples in the house right now. Everyone knows that there are things going on. We try to afford each other as much respect as possible and be discreet about what we have been/ are aware of. All of my dds have informed me that I am not as quiet as I think I am but at least they know that is not the time to knock on the bedroom door.

My oldest dd still has the youngest sleeping in her bed part of the night so they have to sneak off the the bathroom, closet, laundry room or garage. Sometimes the little one will come looking for them and she is old enough to understand something is going on. When I was growing up I was frequently just a minute or two late from preventing my youngest brother from busting in on my parents when my dad was home from sea and they were up to something in the closet, bathroom, bedroom, where ever. I don't know what my second dd is doing because her dc's bedroom is connected to her room through a small hallway in the closet but she is still having babies every three years so they are managing somehow. So in some ways our family is not so far removed from the little house on the prairie days.

If I laid out nude in my yard now (which I am not opposed to doing) I would be breaking the law as my yard is visible from miles away. I am surrounded by strip malls, restaurants, and maybe 50 ft. from main street. So not a consideration in my life but I do consider it a legitimate concern. Plus not every family is as open as ours. When my hubby and I were first married my mother and youngest brother lived with us. Sometimes they would go out for a few hours just so we could runny around the house naked and enjoy the perks of being newly weds. 

Everyone does things differently and it is just a matter of figuring out what works for you and your current living situation. And in all our 35 years, we have only had one child walk in on us one time and she was old enough to apologize and leave quickly. It is a part of life and it is bound to happen if you live in a multiple generation house long enough. My hubby and I broke a shower curtain rod once and my grandmother was the only other person home so she was the one to come and check on us to make sure no one was seriously injured. She didm't bat an eye or say a word to anyone else. 

If you are at a stage in your life when you are spreading out your amorous activities just let your family know that hey if you come in without a heads up you may see more than you want to. That will usually do the trick. Most dc do not want to see that.

Edited June 22 by KidsHappen
typo

[Annie G]

@Scarlett I totally get where you’re coming from. Ten minutes’ notice, please.  I might be stepping out of the shower in the middle of the day, or taking a quick nap, or in my sewing room with my earbuds in. I don’t want to be startled.  I can be jumpy when I think I’m alone. 
My sister moved 6 doors down a year ago, and arrived in need or a lot of care. She has now recovered and just shows up whenever. Yup, I’ve mentioned to her that *I* always call or text her to let her know I’m coming. Hint, hint. But nope…it’s time to be blunt. 
I feel ya- the kids are always welcome…  but I’d prefer a quick heads up first.

[Soror]

5 hours ago, Hannah said:

The kids are welcome to bring friends at any time and we’re the 2nd home for a few who live too far to go home regularly.  I do usually want a heads-up to know how much dinner to prepare. I learnt my lesson when they brought male friends!  We don’t keep a fully stocked freezer due to regular black-outs.
 

Yes, ive had that issue lately. I think we're cooking for 4 and then I have 8+. I told them I love having them but I need a heads up so I have enough for everyone. 

[livetoread]

We like to take advantage of the empty nest too, but one of us always checks the phone tracker to make sure kid is not on the way to visit first. And yes, I know being able to track your young adults is another conversation, but we have good reasons beyond planning living room tea!

[Heartstrings]

1 minute ago, livetoread said:

We like to take advantage of the empty nest too, but one of us always checks the phone tracker to make sure kid is not on the way to visit first. And yes, I know being able to track your young adults is another conversation, but we have good reasons beyond planning living room tea!

I think living room tea is a good enough reason.  

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, livetoread said:

We like to take advantage of the empty nest too, but one of us always checks the phone tracker to make sure kid is not on the way to visit first. And yes, I know being able to track your young adults is another conversation, but we have good reasons beyond planning living room tea!

We did this all of the time with our sons when they lived at home. It was nice to know they were an hour away if we needed/wanted some time alone. 
If only they knew we were less interested in where they were than in when they might get home…..

[Scarlett]

21 hours ago, EKS said:

My adult sons don't live locally.  If they did, I would expect that they would text me and ask if it was ok to come over and then be ok with it if I said no.

That said, I move heaven and earth to be available to them when they want to talk.  So I would think it would be similar if they wanted to come over.

With regard to the laundry, I'd be happy to let them use our facilities, but they would need to do it at a particular time or understand that if they wanted to do it at random times it might not be available.  Also, leaving stuff in the machines would not be acceptable.  Just as it wasn't when they were living here.

Leaving stuff in the machines was not acceptable when he lived here so I was slightly annoyed.  Especially since I came in at 5 on a very tight schedule needing to do laundry myself.   Both Wednesdays he has come he has left a load in the dryer.  He has to be at work by 4:30 and is obviously not planning his day well enough.  I am going to remind him that I bring laundry home to do for my job on Wednesday. 

[EKS]

8 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I am going to remind him that I bring laundry home to do for my job on Wednesday.

You might want to say explicitly that he may not use the washer/dryer on Wednesdays rather than that you have laundry to do.  Sometimes people, regardless of age, don't connect the dots very well.  

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, EKS said:

You might want to say explicitly that he may not use the washer/dryer on Wednesdays rather than that you have laundry to do.  Sometimes people, regardless of age, don't connect the dots very well.  

I don’t care if he uses them on Wednesdays. It is actually a good choice since I am gone all day.  He works nights and gets in at about 1:00 a.m. He just needs to get up and out of bed in time to get all of his loads finished before he has to go to work at 4:30.  

[EKS]

11 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I don’t care if he uses them on Wednesdays. It is actually a good choice since I am gone all day.

I just meant to be explicit about what you want him to do/not do, rather than saying what you need to do.

That said, I suspect that if he continues doing his laundry on Wednesdays, you will continue finding stuff in the machines.  At least that's how the situation would play out here.

Edited June 22 by EKS

[Scarlett]

28 minutes ago, EKS said:

I just meant to be explicit about what you want him to do/not do, rather than saying what you need to do.

That said, I suspect that if he continues doing his laundry on Wednesdays, you will continue finding stuff in the machines.  At least that's how the situation would play out here.

Possibly . I am mentally prepared for that. It is overall a small thing though since he doesn’t live here anymore. We get along so well now that he is in his own place. We see him several times a week and all is well. 

[SquirrellyMama]

On 6/20/2024 at 8:13 PM, Scarlett said:

Well I feel ok about our expectations and my response to him. All is well.  I went to lunch with him and his girlfriend today.  I have a pool and I lay out almost naked now that we are empty nesters.  I just want to have a heads up someone is going to come into my space.  I mean I usually do work on Wednesday but he can’t depend on that.  I could be sick, have a change of plans etc. 

 

I'm with you on this one. We are now empty nesters, and if I want to be naked, I will be naked. If I'm in a "mood" at noon, we are taking care of that at noon since my husband works from home. 

My one kid who lives locally is warned to let us know if she is coming by, or she will be scarred for life 😁

Kelly

[Rosie_0801]

@pinball 

A refresher of board rules:

"You can always email the moderators with suggestions, but we've been doing this a long time and probably have heard it all before. (In other words, don't expect an answer.) Threads about how the boards should be run differently, laments about how much more/less welcoming the board is/was now/in the past, and criticisms of the moderators should be posted on...someone else's board."

And I am happy to state right here in public, that the moderators do favour some people over others. They favour people who behave themselves over people who choose not to. Any further complaints you wish to make about this thread or the moderators should be taken to Susan.

[Scarlett]

6 hours ago, SquirrellyMama said:

I'm with you on this one. We are now empty nesters, and if I want to be naked, I will be naked. If I'm in a "mood" at noon, we are taking care of that at noon since my husband works from home. 

My one kid who lives locally is warned to let us know if she is coming by, or she will be scarred for life 😁

Kelly

This similar to what I tell people about reading texts messages between my Dh and me. You will be scarred for life. 😂

[Clarita]

7 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

This similar to what I tell people about reading texts messages between my Dh and me. You will be scarred for life. 😂

DH is always wanting to send me provocative messages when he sends me money. He usually forgets though.

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Clarita said:

DH is always wanting to send me provocative messages when he sends me money. He usually forgets though.

If I answer in my car and someone else is there, I say something like, “hi you are on speaker. I am in the car with mom and dad“.  It is quite necessary to do this.

[Scarlett]

Oh my gosh, there is this TikTok trend where women dance to their favorite voicemail message from an ex. And this one girl named Story gets voicemails from her husband who pretends to be her ex and says all kinds of outrageous things. It is so stinking funny. He starts out saying ‘hey Story this is your baby daddy.’. 

Edited June 22 by Scarlett

[SquirrellyMama]

On 6/21/2024 at 7:22 AM, Scarlett said:

Dh startles me a lot and he always laughs and says, ‘I live here, remember?’ He and youngest ds both walk around so silently it is unnerving.  Especially ds.  And especially because he is 6’3 and 260 pounds.

This happens with me and my husband. He always asks me why I was startled since he lives there and I should expect him to be there. He'll sometimes warn me when he's coming in the room which can also startle me if I'm not paying attention. I think it is funny, he is annoyed 😊

Edited June 23 by SquirrellyMama

[Scarlett]

On 6/21/2024 at 9:15 AM, Clemsondana said:

Similar things happen during daylight if somebody comes up behind you unexpectedly or if a person appears when you thought you were home alone.  It's not really about there being a 'large man' so much as it is about there being a person much larger than I am.  I've spent much of my married life with an out of town spouse while I'm responsible for kids.  There was a shift when the kids passed me in height - while I'll always be their mom, the likelihood that I could physically protect them better than they could protect themselves is a lot smaller.  It made me aware of how we subconsciously sort out threats, and being much smaller than the other person is part of it, as is context. 

Large spouse, kid, or friend in the house?  Great!  Large strange man on the street?  Great!  Large stranger in my house?  Yikes!  So, if you are the spouse, kid, or friend, it would be great if you alerted me so that I know to put the person that I just saw out of the corner of my eye into the Great! category instead of temporarily having a Yikes! before I figured out who it was.  And, in general, 'Unexpected person when I think I'm home alone' is a Yikes! so if we could easily avoid that with a text it would be awesome.  House location probably matters, too.  We know 2 different extended families that live with several houses close together (like next door in a neighborhood) and are in and out of each other's houses frequently.  That's fantastic!  We live in the middle of a coupe of acres, and people who might let themselves in don't wander up to our house very often.  It's not unusual to have guests - we once had friends in a touring band stay with us for a month.  During that time, I expected to see strange men in public rooms randomly throughout the day so I wasn't ever startled by them.  I also always wore a robe.  

Very true. My Dh and ds are large men. They know this, everyone knows it and it is not an insult. It is not an overweight situation.  I have had ds say he is coming by and then still be a bit startled when he walks in through the garage at  10 pm . 

[Scarlett]

10 minutes ago, SquirrellyMama said:

This happens with me and my husband. He always asks me why I was startled since he lives there and I should expect him to be there. He'll sometimes warm me when he's coming in the room which can also startle me if I'm not paying attention. I think it is funny, he is annoyed 😊

Same.  Well Dh thinks it is funny and I am just scared. lol

[Rosie_0801]

I was startling so badly when the neighbour spoke to me over the fence I went and did some Moro reflex integration work. I was just about giving him a complex and I was jumping a foot even when I knew he was there. It was ridiculous.

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I was startling so badly when the neighbour spoke to me over the fence I went and did some Moro reflex integration work. I was just about giving him a complex and I was jumping a foot even when I knew he was there. It was ridiculous.

I have never heard of Moro reflex integration but I am off to investigate. I too startle to a ridiculous degree. 

[marbel]

If someone comes up behind me when I can't hear them - such as, in the laundry room with appliances running - I will jump and scream. Like not a full-on scream of terror, but more than a yelp of surprise. It's so stupid but at this point I don't think it's going to change, though I will look into moro integration! Rosie, you are a wonder! How do you know all this stuff? 

[YaelAldrich]

On 6/21/2024 at 8:57 AM, Scarlett said:

Yes, texting makes it so easy. My mom is one of those people who want to be able to drop by without notice or invite to any of her kids or grandkids.  I think we have finally gotten it through to her it is MUCH preferred to give notice.  

I have a MIL who never ever tells us the approximate time she is due to arrive at our home (coming from the airport; getting a taxi). She won't let us pick her up, she won't tell us her flight information. She always says a time and then she shows up several minutes to a couple hours earlier with no explanation. It is one of the many things that make our relationship... unpleasant.

With cell phones (and other information) people can be kind. Or choose not to be.

[Kassia]

@YaelAldrich  wow, that is so inconsiderate!  

[YaelAldrich]

1 hour ago, Kassia said:

@YaelAldrich  wow, that is so inconsiderate!  

It's one of the things I have internalized in what I will not be like when I have adult children and their partners.

ETA: I only have two minors left in the family. One of those graduated high school. I have one bonus minor. So almost all young adults. And some have partners. So I make boundaries and learn.

Edited June 23 by YaelAldrich

[SKL]

Actually, my kids (who live here) even now tell me if they are planning to have friends over.  Partly out of consideration (I hope), and partly because our dog would eat the friends if they barged into the house unannounced.

Given that my kids are not the only people living here, I hope it is clear that they must always let me know if they are bringing someone by, whether they live here or not, whether we have a dog or not.

Of course they themselves are free to come and go.  If/when they move out, I think there will likely be a transition period (for them and for me) during which "new normal" practices will be figured out.

As for "everyone texts," even one of my housemates tends to text "on my way" when she's headed home.  There is no need for her to do this.  I guess she figures people would like to know.

[Kassia]

48 minutes ago, YaelAldrich said:

It's one of the things I have internalized in what I will not be like when I have adult children and their partners. 

I agree with that in many cases, but this one is just common sense/courtesy!  But I agree that these are all things that help us become better parents/in-laws.  

[YaelAldrich]

Apropos of this conversation, I just walked in the house (Sunday noontime).

Three of my four biological children were milling around, plus two bonus kids who are living with us for part or all of the summer. Of the three bio children one lives in NYC and is home for summer, one kid lives here but graduated and will be moving out, and the other lives off campus in the same city in an apartment we pay for. 

The apartment dweller wants to crash here tonight to hang out with his bonus brother. We're a little grumpy because this kid could invite the bonus kid to his place. But he can stay, but not in our basement (we work out there). 

One car is taken by our oldest all weekend. The other car was wanted by one kid and also at the same time another kid. But my husband reserved the car for the afternoon. 

[YaelAldrich]

I don't mind the visitors in general. We don't want multiple day stays where we have literally tiptoe because they sleep in all morning where our workout space (and pantry) is.

It's also nice to know when kids are here because many of them have dietary restrictions (vegans) and I didn't cook that way every day.