Giving Up

[NewIma]

I was homeschooled from 3rd-12th. I've homeschooled my kids from the beginning and the are now dd17 in 11th grade, and dd13 in 7th grade. Dd17 will graduate as a homeschooler and wants to become a Medical Laboratory Scientist. I am proud of the education my kids have received and for the freedom homeschooling has given them. 

Now I am thinking of sending my dd13 to public High School. I am so tired. Not of homeschooling, but how freaking hard it is for my kids to find friends. We don't fit into the large conservative Christian homeschool communities in our area. If we did there might be enough teens in our circle to make friends. As it is, we know 4-6 homeschooled teens and they couldn't really be bothered. They don't respond to texts. They don't make plans. They would rather be home alone. My kid always has to initiate everything. Other parents don't seem to care either. It all feels so forced and awful. My dd17 honestly doesn't have a single real friend. She has tried so hard. She is lovely and welcoming and funny. The other homeschooled teens just can't be bothered with putting any effort into friendships. 

I don't want to put my dd13 through this. It isn't fair. I always thought I would homeschool forever, but we are going to a charter school open house for her next week. I can give her a better education at home, but having friends does matter. I'm heartbroken, but too exhausted to keep fighting this fight.

Thanks for listening.

[Katy]

I’m sorry. I hope the school visit goes well. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

Are there friends outside of the homeschool community? I was homeschooled but my mom never really fit in with the local homeschoolers so we didn’t do a lot of that after a certain point. We did community theater, a choir thing that had a lot of homeschoolers but also a lot of public schoolers, youth programs at the library, my sisters did a ski club thing. 
 

My kids are thriving in all different kinds of schools right now, and honestly, whatever you decide to do—it will be okay. Also, it doesn’t seem to matter where the teen is schooled; they seem to just want to be home and not go anywhere or hang out.  My own teen and tween included. I am sure screens are a big part of this but it is so different than when I was a teen(30 years ago but still).

Edited February 2 by Mrs Tiggywinkle Again

[teachermom2834]

We had to send my dd to high school after homeschooling my first 3 all the way through. It was hard for them but they found just enough outlet to get by. But it was just impossible for my dd and I tried all the things.

[kbutton]

We transitioned my younger one to a small private school with a scholarship program for high school, and it’s suited him very well.

It hasn’t solved the social stuff, but it helped!

It was a good lateral move academically. He could be more challenged in some areas, and in other areas, they challenge him more than I could. The areas of less challenge are tailored—some kids take DE in their strength classes but not in their average areas. It’s not like the school is “weak” on anything across the board—they just prioritize balance over every child having to do everything difficult.

 

[Arcadia]

My kids are homebodies. They will reply texts though because that’s the polite thing to do. My (not very close) friend was “pushing” for my DS19 to make friends with her DS18 because they are in the same college and her son has difficulty making friends. My kids are like my husband and I, lots of acquaintances but very selective on friendships. DS19 is happy to be in his dorm room and his idea of “social” is having a game of tennis or chatting with classmates if he run into them at the residential dining halls. I am an extrovert but when I was a teen, I didn’t make plans other than for my medical appointments. It was very much spontaneous outings on friday afternoons and weekends. 

[bookbard]

Yes, the social stuff is really hard. My daughter is in school this year at 13 because of that. My son will be going next year (first year of high school in Australia). Having said that, when I chat to parents whose kids are in school, a lot of them haven't found their people either. But I do think that daily practise of social stuff - whether at school or other activities - is kind of important, at any age. 

[Terabith]

I’m so sorry. I know how hard that is for all of y’all. It really, truly sucks.  

[mommyoffive]

10 minutes ago, Terabith said:

I’m so sorry. I know how hard that is for all of y’all. It really, truly sucks.  

I agree.  It is so hard as they get older to make friends at least where I am.  I think the Christian home school groups have small groups in their coops, but those are not the right fit for as we are not religious.  It is really a struggle for them to have friends from like 10 and older.  We have relied on outside groups for social interaction.   I hope you can find peace in your decision. 

[popmom]

We are struggling similarly. My dd is a senior though, so it's too late for her (for high school). The pandemic really ruined any chances of a normal high school experience (homeschooled). I feel so guilty that our family had to take COVID seriously while all of her peers were getting back to life as usual by the end of 2020. 

Currently, my older dd's are making suggestions like creating a "group me" for her co-op classes, and then emailing and/or irl inviting fellow classmates to join--just as a way to communicate less awkwardly. She wants to go to her senior prom, but has zero friends currently. Older dds are telling her that she is not the only one in her classes that feels the way she does. But everyone is afraid to do something. That is why they are telling her to start a group me. 

It seems like everyone already has a friend group. And they definitely can't be bothered to include anyone else. 

I volunteered to be one of the senior coordinators for our co-op. I co-hosted a football game party at my house in the fall. We had a decent amount of kids show up. Everyone seemed to have a good time, but... no lasting connections were made. That SUCKS. 

My older 3 were really involved in church and/or their cover school. They had friends and plenty of opportunities to socialize. It has just been so different for my youngest. Most of the time she is okay, but she does feel like she is missing out sometimes. I have tried to get her involved in extracurriculars, but she shoots down all my ideas. 

You must feel so conficted about this. There is no easy button. And no guarantee that being in school will make your child less lonely. It really depends on their personality, I think. 

 

Edited February 3 by popmom

[KeriJ]

5 hours ago, popmom said:

We are struggling similarly. My dd is a senior though, so it's too late for her (for high school). The pandemic really ruined any chances of a normal high school experience (homeschooled). I feel so guilty that our family had to take COVID seriously while all of her peers were getting back to life as usual by the end of 2020. 

Currently, my older dd's are making suggestions like creating a "group me" for her co-op classes, and then emailing and/or irl inviting fellow classmates to join--just as a way to communicate less awkwardly. She wants to go to her senior prom, but has zero friends currently. Older dds are telling her that she is not the only one in her classes that feels the way she does. But everyone is afraid to do something. That is why they are telling her to start a group me. 

It seems like everyone already has a friend group. And they definitely can't be bothered to include anyone else. 

I volunteered to be one of the senior coordinators for our co-op. I co-hosted a football game party at my house in the fall. We had a decent amount of kids show up. Everyone seemed to have a good time, but... no lasting connections were made. That SUCKS. 

My older 3 were really involved in church and/or their cover school. They had friends and plenty of opportunities to socialize. It has just been so different for my youngest. Most of the time she is okay, but she does feel like she is missing out sometimes. I have tried to get her involved in extracurriculars, but she shoots down all my ideas. 

You must feel so conficted about this. There is no easy button. And no guarantee that being in school will make your child less lonely. It really depends on their personality, I think. 

 

This is almost exactly the story for one of mine right now. 

[HomeAgain]

That was our dilemma.  When we moved, oldest ds was in 8th grade.  He lost his community and no matter what we did, we couldn't find a new one for him.  Friends at that age are hard.  I watched him sit in his room day after day and made the decision for him.  By the end of 9th grade I told him to pick a school, any school, but he was going to one.

It ended up being a GREAT decision for him.  He was happier.  He had great mentors...and some not so great ones, but learned the territory.  He made friends he still has weekly sessions with even though they're all grown and live all different places.  I do not regret in the least that he went to high school, just like I don't regret we made that decision for youngest ds at age12.  It got to be hard after Covid because of competing beliefs.  DS was alone more.  He didn't like that first year, doesn't much like this year, but wants to stay because of extracurricular opportunities and friends.  He still works with me 10-20 minutes a day on core things like Latin and math, but he has no interest in the academics there.  And that's a balance I'm willing to accept. 

[teachermom2834]

I stated upthread that we send my youngest child, my dd, to high school. When she has had a rough spell socially or some kind of girl drama or lunch table dilemma or the like I will get worked up and say things to the effect of “you know we don’t need to do this. We can homeschool” or “this is why I always wanted you home” and even on her worst days socially my dd is aghast at the idea that she would be better off socially at home. She will take all the social bumps and hard days and difficulty finding her tribe in school over the isolation she felt homeschooling in a heartbeat. Like there is absolutely no question, for her, that she is so much happier around people all day even when she is having a bad day. 
 

I guess that part kind of surprised me. For mine it isn’t even a mixed bag socially. For her, I think even if she was struggling in school to connect with real friends, she would always choose being around people all day in her classes, clubs, her teachers, chit chatting with the lunch ladies, etc. Her worst days at school are still happier for her than her best days at home which is sad for me to think about but she really is extroverted I guess. At least I know our decision was the right one 100%

Now my boys, at least a couple of them, would not have been that way. They would have been happy if they had a great friend base but if they didn’t they would have been like “I hate all these people get me out of here.” 

[maize]

16 hours ago, NewIma said:

 I can give her a better education at home, but having friends does matter. 

I've said many times that emotional health has to be first priority--that's true whether a person is 7 or 13 or 25 or 75. Nothing comes before that--not academics, not sports, not church attendance, not high earnings...

Life is to be lived, not just prepared for or gritted through.

School is hardly a guarantee of social connection, but if you have a kid who is craving more connection it can be worth trying. It's also true that some kids don't really establish close friendships until college; that's OK too if they are reasonably happy at home; family connections are real connections. 

[EKS]

My younger son went to the public high school specifically because it is the only way for non church going teens to have a social life where we live.  Fortunately, it is a decent school, and even more fortunately, our state allows part time enrollment, so when he decided he hated most of the academics there, we were able to homeschool again part time for the last three years.

Best of luck to you and your student.  I am so sorry it has come to this, but I totally understand.

[J-rap]

I just wanted to add that I don't think you need to call it "giving up."  Changing course is not giving up.  Your goal is probably the same as always:  finding the best path forward for your children.  

[Clemsondana]

One of my kids would have chosen homeschooling even if minimal social contact were available.  As it is, daily ball practice, weekly co-op, some sort of academic team practice most weeks, and the weekly things like scouts and church and some workouts seem to be plenty for this kid.  He seems to be liked by peers, fits in fine, has a good time if there is a planned outing (a meal or travel in conjunction with an activity) and sometimes texts with people but doesn't hang out at a friend's house like I did as a teen.  It feels like a good level of people time for this kid, who doesn't enjoy things that feel like a 'waste of time' like watching movies or playing video games.  Kid is always up for a practice (or, in college, likely a study group), a pickup game, or a workout and will probably join in on a meal outing but otherwise would rather read or go for a run.  

For my younger, I've considered school in part because this kid loves being around people.  But, younger likes the people that are already in their activities.  And the activities are numerous - a sport (club and a homeschool team that plays schools), a homeschool martial arts class, music lessons, some academic competition team stuff, and co-op.  When we aren't busy on weekends, kid likes to have friends over or go to their houses.  I sometimes drop off kids to roller skate, and kid frequently texts or interacts with GroupMes for various groups.  The lists for both kids look similar, but the level of social that younger gets from the activities is much higher.  

If we were in an area that didn't have these things, older would probably still prefer being homeschooled, but younger would be in a school setting of some sort.  We are really fortunate to be in an area where there are lots of activities either for homeschoolers or that are homeschool-friendly.  And it is great that people here, at least in my circles, have never acted like homeschooling was weird - it's treated as another school option so it's easy to join rec/club teams.  We get curiosity questions, but nothing negative.  I think it would be really hard to be trying to do this in an area without these resources - I have no idea where friends would come from.  Many of the homeschool kids that I know are heavily involved in something - dance, 4H, sports, a part-time job as they get older, etc, and I think that is part of where their social outlet comes from.  

[ScoutTN]

11 hours ago, J-rap said:

I just wanted to add that I don't think you need to call it "giving up."  Changing course is not giving up.  Your goal is probably the same as always:  finding the best path forward for your children.  

This, exactly.

We had to put a child in school for other reasons and it did (and sometimes still does, 4 years later) feel like giving up. Especially when I consider how much better the academics snd friends would have been homeschooling. But the reality is that school is the best path for this kid and ps has some great opportunities and strengths that our homeschooling community cannot duplicate.

School does not automatically create real friendships, however.  Superficial community, yes, and that can be a great thing too. 

Edited February 4 by ScoutTN

[Jaybee]

7 hours ago, J-rap said:

I just wanted to add that I don't think you need to call it "giving up."  Changing course is not giving up.  Your goal is probably the same as always:  finding the best path forward for your children.  

Me three, in agreement with this statement. As homeschool parents, hopefully we learn as we go along, and so we morph as we see our children's needs develop. With my last two, we moved at a difficult time as far as their developing friendships. One wanted to continue to homeschool, and it worked well for him. The youngest wanted to try public school, and it was a good choice for him. All in all, our homeschooling journey did not look exactly as I had imagined it would when they were small, but we tried to make the best decisions for each child as we saw things needed to change. And I think it generally worked. 

[ScoutTN]

One size does not fit all.

Each kid is different.
And can have different circumstances. 
 

And play it by year. Trying it doesn’t commit you to four years. You can always make a different choice later if it doesn’t work out well. 

[sweet2ndchance]

Dh and I are homebodies and don't require much socialization but Ds11 however is a completely different person. He truly NEEDS interactions with lots of people on a daily basis to be happy. But I'm not willing to completely give up that better education at home for him. So we made a compromise. We took his first year in public school off from teaching at home in any way because we needed to reset our relationship. This year, we started some afterschool "homework" in his weakest areas that the school isn't really touching with him. He doesn't always like it but we get it done.

Just wanted to say that it doesn't have to be all or nothing with the school and education situation. We also play it year by year as someone mentioned above.

[Ausmumof3]

Hugs. My DD has just gone to school for similar reasons. She does have a couple of really sweet close friends but they’re always busy with school and a fair distance from us. It was OK though not perfect before I worked but now by the time I work and homeschool and manage 99pc of house stuff there’s not much time left for anything extra and the budget doesn’t stretch to the fun stuff she likes. 
 

I feel so sad about it, but so far she’s absolutely loving it. My boys are still happy at home for now but they’re much more introverted.

[Ausmumof3]

Just as a mental adjustment tool, I’m trying not to think of it as failure. I think the fact that she’s adapted so well is a pretty good indication of success.

I do really miss the days where we all worked together at the table, had unscheduled spontaneous field trips and read amazing books. I’m glad I had that time and sad it has ended a bit sooner than I expected. 

[teachermom2834]

As far as the education side of it goes, I have no idea the quality of what is available at the school your child will attend but my dd is fine at her school. In 9th grade I wasn’t really impressed and I would grumble and talk about how she wasn’t learning anything and how academically she would be so much better at home etc etc. She was there for the extras for sure. 

But 10th grade? Wowsers. I can’t say that any more. I could never afterschool because she has so much work which is a gripe for another day but aside from her just being busy the quality of what she is doing is really good. She has some extracurriculars (robotics and mock trial) that I couldn’t replicate at home. Of course this may totally not be the case for you. My dd goes to private school but it is small and not fancy or highly rated or anything. 
 

Again, I have no idea what the academic situation is but maybe it will be better than you fear and maybe it gets better after 9th grade. Maybe it is either 1)not good and it leaves you some margin to after school or 2) rigorous enough that even though you don’t have time to add anything it is adequate.

I could never ever add a thing but I don’t feel like I need to anymore. 

[TexasProud]

Honestly, this was the big thing that all three of my children have against our homeschooling.  They feel like they would have been better prepared socially for the world if they had gone to public school.  They do not argue that they were way better prepared academically, way better than they would have been in public school.  But they got very, very, very tired of being outcasts/outliers in all of our places:  not conservative enough for homeschool group, too conservative for our church (sort of...hard to explain.  No one homeschooled in our church.  Nearly everyone who homeschooled went to one church in our small town, and it was too conservative for me.  The homeschool group where we did co-ops and such were in a town 30 minutes away and people went to a couple of different churchs, again, more conservative than I was.  I homeschooled for academic reasons, not religious reasons. Anyway, they just didn't fit with anyone and never really made close friends.  Luckily, two out of my three did make some close friends in college.  One of mine only has one friend that he occasionally goes to the movie with.  He works remotely since Covid (which I HATE for him) and sees no one in person except at the grocery store or when he comes to stay with us sometimes. 

[NewIma]

On 2/2/2024 at 3:15 PM, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

Are there friends outside of the homeschool community? I was homeschooled but my mom never really fit in with the local homeschoolers so we didn’t do a lot of that after a certain point. We did community theater, a choir thing that had a lot of homeschoolers but also a lot of public schoolers, youth programs at the library, my sisters did a ski club thing. 
 

My kids are thriving in all different kinds of schools right now, and honestly, whatever you decide to do—it will be okay. Also, it doesn’t seem to matter where the teen is schooled; they seem to just want to be home and not go anywhere or hang out.  My own teen and tween included. I am sure screens are a big part of this but it is so different than when I was a teen(30 years ago but still).

Thanks for this. It does seems like kids are less invested in hanging out with friends in general. I'm guessing it is screens too...

She is in lots of other activities-dance, girl scouts,  youth group, etc. But none of those things seem to lead to more intentional relationships.  The other kids have school friends they see everyday and another kid they see 1x a week is more of an afterthought.  There is no malice in that! Just that they are naturally going to prioritize the kids they see everyday.

[NewIma]

On 2/3/2024 at 12:45 AM, popmom said:

We are struggling similarly. My dd is a senior though, so it's too late for her (for high school). The pandemic really ruined any chances of a normal high school experience (homeschooled). I feel so guilty that our family had to take COVID seriously while all of her peers were getting back to life as usual by the end of 2020. 

Currently, my older dd's are making suggestions like creating a "group me" for her co-op classes, and then emailing and/or irl inviting fellow classmates to join--just as a way to communicate less awkwardly. She wants to go to her senior prom, but has zero friends currently. Older dds are telling her that she is not the only one in her classes that feels the way she does. But everyone is afraid to do something. That is why they are telling her to start a group me. 

It seems like everyone already has a friend group. And they definitely can't be bothered to include anyone else. 

I volunteered to be one of the senior coordinators for our co-op. I co-hosted a football game party at my house in the fall. We had a decent amount of kids show up. Everyone seemed to have a good time, but... no lasting connections were made. That SUCKS. 

My older 3 were really involved in church and/or their cover school. They had friends and plenty of opportunities to socialize. It has just been so different for my youngest. Most of the time she is okay, but she does feel like she is missing out sometimes. I have tried to get her involved in extracurriculars, but she shoots down all my ideas. 

You must feel so conficted about this. There is no easy button. And no guarantee that being in school will make your child less lonely. It really depends on their personality, I think. 

 

I'm so sorry you guys are struggling with this too. It is so difficult, and so frustrating to keep putting in so much effort to build teen community and not having it develop. 

[teachermom2834]

1 minute ago, NewIma said:

 

She is in lots of other activities-dance, girl scouts,  youth group, etc. But none of those things seem to lead to more intentional relationships.  The other kids have school friends they see everyday and another kid they see 1x a week is more of an afterthought.  There is no malice in that! Just that they are naturally going to prioritize the kids they see everyday.

We found this to be true. For the outside activities with school kids it wasn’t really possible to break into the connection kids that were in school all day together had. Then for homeschool stuff a lot of the kids also went to church together so they had church youth group a couple times a week in addition to whatever one activity we had with them. It is just hard to break in when the other kids just have so much more time and access to each other and it isn’t personal. Just they don’t even think to include probably and stuff just happens spontaneously and you just aren’t there to be spontaneous. 

[NewIma]

On 2/3/2024 at 7:51 AM, J-rap said:

I just wanted to add that I don't think you need to call it "giving up."  Changing course is not giving up.  Your goal is probably the same as always:  finding the best path forward for your children.  

Thank you for this. I've been grieving and processing all week and told myself this yesterday. I homeschooled because it was the best path I could offer my kids at the time. If public school is better for her now, that is continuing to give dd the best situation for her at this time.

[maize]

Just now, NewIma said:

Thank you for this. I've been grieving and processing all week and told myself this yesterday. I homeschooled because it was the best path I could offer my kids at the time. If public school is better for her now, that is continuing to give dd the best situation for her at this time.

I call this "flexschooling" and it is my approach to education. Every year, I try to consider the needs of each individual child, the needs of the family, and the options available to us and then choose the path that seems to best meet individual and family needs. Most of my kids have been enrolled in school at one point or another. 

[Jaybee]

1 hour ago, NewIma said:

Thank you for this. I've been grieving and processing all week and told myself this yesterday. I homeschooled because it was the best path I could offer my kids at the time. If public school is better for her now, that is continuing to give dd the best situation for her at this time.

We have six kids, and did something different for each one except for the twins, who changed schooling at the same time, but took different approaches to AP, etc. I think that has left us with fewer regrets than if we had followed our original plans and done the same thing with all of them. It is being sensitive to who they are, what options are available, what they want to do, what seems best for them overall, etc. That's just wise parenting. You might be "giving up" a dream of yours, but it isn't giving up on following through with what seems best. 

[Katy]

How was the school visit?

[ScoutTN]

It can take time for kids to find their feet in ps; it’s a big change. Academics are often an easy part. People are harder. So if you jump in, remember that it can take more than a full school year to make real friends and feel at home. 

[Harriet Vane]

1 minute ago, ScoutTN said:

It can take time for kids to find their feet in ps; it’s a big change. Academics are often an easy part. People are harder. So if you jump in, remember that it can take more than a full school year to make real friends and feel at home. 

This was the case with my ds. He chose to not homeschool for high school. We enrolled him at a private school. The first year was the hardest socially—the others at school had been together since Pre-K. I think he would have had an easier time breaking in to the social scene in a larger public school. That said, ds did in fact make friends and he had a wonderful time in high school. Neither he nor we have any regrets about the choice, even though I did mourn the end of homeschooling.

[KungFuPanda]

There’s nothing TO give up. Life changes and you make plans with the best options you have today. Being able to say you homeschooled a kid from K-12 is a very limited flex. 4 people will be impressed and they’re all on this board.

I did it for one kid and not the other and it just doesn’t matter in the greater scheme of things. What matters is that they each got the best situation we could arrange for them. Loyalty to the idea of homeschooling shouldn’t figure in the decision making process at all. 

[DawnM]

On 2/3/2024 at 8:50 AM, EKS said:

My younger son went to the public high school specifically because it is the only way for non church going teens to have a social life where we live.  Fortunately, it is a decent school, and even more fortunately, our state allows part time enrollment, so when he decided he hated most of the academics there, we were able to homeschool again part time for the last three years.

Best of luck to you and your student.  I am so sorry it has come to this, but I totally understand.

We homeschooled and went to church and it was still hard.   Most of the kids also attended school.   They either went to the church school or the local public school.   So they really didn't interact much outside of just the 2 hours of Sunday morning.   

[EKS]

8 minutes ago, DawnM said:

We homeschooled and went to church and it was still hard.   Most of the kids also attended school.   They either went to the church school or the local public school.   So they really didn't interact much outside of just the 2 hours of Sunday morning.   

The church going folk I know are all LDS so perhaps I have a skewed idea of how much of a community church normally provides.

[DawnM]

Just now, EKS said:

The church going folk I know are all LDS so perhaps I have a skewed idea of how much of a community church normally provides.

Ah, yeah, maybe.