House guest am I being unreasonable?

[lulalu]

I have had a house guest for the past two and a half months. She may be with us a few more months. She has her own room and bathroom. However, to hang laundry I need to go through her room. 

It has been going ok. Our personalities don't click well though.

There haven't been any big issues just small ones annoying me. The biggest one annoying me is that she keeps doing DS chores. We live in an apartment, so DS doesn't have many chores he can do. He can't mow, take trash out, etc. But he empties the dishwasher each day, sweeps, does laundry. She coninues to empty the dishwasher (sometimes only half way) even though I have said that is DS chore. I don't mind if she cleans up after she makes a meal. But DS needs chores he is 11 and would love to have no responsibilities. 

Am I being unreasonable getting annoyed by this? Do I keep repeating daily that DS needs a chore? I am sure she just feels a need to do something. But as I am sitting drinking coffee in quiet just sitting looking out the windows she comes and empties it, making it seem like I am being lazy. When I am just waiting for DS to get ready and then do his chore. 

[lulalu]

She is in her 30s and single with no children. If that helps. 

However, she was a high school teacher for many years so I feel like she should understand kids need chores better than she does. 

[Rosie_0801]

It would be easiest to give him something else to do. Perhaps she's less likely to interrupt a kid learning to cook. Most people prefer someone else cleans the toilet. Perhaps that's a chore she wouldn't want to steal, lol.

 

[lulalu]

The difficult thing is that there really aren't many things to give him to do. She sweeps and mops often. Although I have had him just do it again later so he has things to do. Our laundry is about the only thing she doesn't do. 

She has her own bathroom that we aren't going into and using currently so I have left that up to her to clean. 

There have been many things I have said multiple times that just don't seem to stick with her. 

[Melissa in Australia]

If she is going in a couple of months then could you just ride it out? 

Edited September 5, 2023 by Melissa in Australia

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, Melissa in Australia said:

If she is going in a couple of months then could you just ride it out? 

I was wondering the same thing.  If she's there temporarily, you'll have time to give him those responsibilities back once she's gone.  Maybe she just feels the need to contribute and these are chores she feels she can do without being too intrusive?  I'm not minimizing what is happening because I know it would bother me a lot, but I think it's more damaging to your stress levels than it is to your ds' future as far as being a responsible adult if that makes sense.  At the very least, make sure he is responsible for his own stuff in the meantime - putting laundry away, putting his dishes in the dishwasher, etc.?  

[lulalu]

1 minute ago, Kassia said:

but I think it's more damaging to your stress levels than it is to your ds' future as far as being a responsible adult if that makes sense.  At the very least, make sure he is responsible for his own stuff in the meantime - putting laundry away, putting his dishes in the dishwasher, etc.?  

I am not worried about his future. Dealing with the here and now. He is an average 11 year old boy. Telling me everyday guest did my chores already so now he thinks he can do technology all day instead and is getting so whiny. 

[lulalu]

But yes, I probably need to just ride it out for a few more months. Especially since I have said about 12 times the last 2.5 months and nothing has changed. 

[teachermom2834]

Having a guest that long would drive me absolutely beserk. This might be a small issue but I don’t blame you- because house guest for months in an apartment. 
 

I would let it go and do whatever you have to do to get by until she goes but I’m sure everything she did would get under my skin at this point. You are obviously a more gracious person than I am! 

[J-rap]

Do you think she's doing jobs because she thinks that's a way to pay you back for letting her stay there?  

I don't know the circumstances of her being there...  If she's a good friend going through something difficult, or whatever.

If she's going through something really difficult, I might let it go, but talk to your ds about why you're letting it go for now.  And maybe find other things for him to do, like clean the car, vacuum the closet, make bread.  Things that aren't typically a daily chore.

If she's simply not getting it, I'd be clearer with her.  Maybe make up a chart and hang it on the fridge.  Clearly divvy up the chores on the list.  Explain to her that you all need to stick with that list and why.  If she needs more to do, do you have any bigger projects that you've put aside because of lack of time?  (Like painting a room, cleaning out a closet, etc.)  Could she do something like that?

 

[marbel]

4 hours ago, lulalu said:

But as I am sitting drinking coffee in quiet just sitting looking out the windows she comes and empties it, making it seem like I am being lazy.

I don't have any advice for dealing with the guest; I pretty much agree with everyone else no matter what they said. I do think some of it depends on the reason the guest is there. My inclination would be to tell the person firmly to stop doing my kid's chores, but I don't know if I would actually do that in the situation. Again, depends on the circumstances.

Mainly I wanted to comment on the bit I quoted above. It bothers me that you feel you may be perceived as lazy while enjoying a cup of coffee in your own home. Maybe that comment was not meant as seriously as I am taking it, but if you are feeling that way, I hope you can find a way to stop. Whoever this individual is, they should not have the power to make you feel lazy.

[Harriet Vane]

I have had long-term guests many times and I feel your pain. People who feel their approach is superior to yours often refuse to be trained.

If you don’t want to let it ride, then there are only two other options:

—Put a sign on the dishwasher. “Do NOT empty—this is ds’ responsibility.” Make it big and bold.

—Accept that establishing this boundary will bring some temporary unpleasantness. You’ve tried sweetly reminding. Now it’s time to be more direct: “I’m disappointed that you choose not to respect my repeated requests on this topic. Do not empty the dishwasher. It is for ds, not for you nor for me, and it is an important piece of his learning responsibility.”

I would probably do both together.

This can still all be said/done sweetly. I’m not advocating for a big, loud argument. But someone who is there longer than a weekend absolutely must respect the rhythms of YOUR house, and that requires a firmer response.

[kirstenhill]

I'd be apt to ride it out, but talk to DS about it.  If you have time you need him to fill productively, maybe there's a deep cleaning project he could do? I know I don't wash things like window sills and baseboards nearly as often as it could be done.  I've taught all my kids including DS11 to clean bathrooms, stove, and microwave.  

[Miss Tick]

Ages ago I used to read a financial column and the writer paid his kids to go run. He outlined his reasons, which I won't try to rehash here. If your ds needs to do chores just for the sake of doing chores, maybe for the next 2 months it could be your his chore to run a mile every week day. Plenty of benefit, not much downside

[wintermom]

I have several dc, and I had to find many little chores for them all to do. You could be a little creative and find some other things in the apartment that would be useful to have done, like tidying up closets, hanging the laundry, taking in the dry laundry, folding laundry, cleaning the fridge, etc. There must be something you can think. It doesn't have to be the dishwasher just because "that's what I decided before the houseguest came." That is kind of tunnel vision.

ETA: I'm not implying that having a houseguest is easy. It's challenging, but I'm assuming that you aren't planning on kicking this woman out because she keeps emptying the dishwasher. 

Edited September 5, 2023 by wintermom

[kbutton]

I like what @Harriet Vane said, but if you need alternative chores, maybe some food prep if you don’t want or need him to cook.

Or packing lunches if either of you brown bag it.

Helping with a grocery list and loading coupons to your shopping card.

Wiping down the cupboards.

Baking breakfast muffins.

I would be put out about the dishes too.

[Corraleno]

I totally understand being annoyed at having an extended houseguest (that would drive me totally nuts), but I think you're hyper focusing all of your general annoyance with her and the whole situation on the dishwasher thing and making it into a bigger deal than it needs to be. You can get really in her face about it and demand she stop unloading it, but that is likely going to make things even more strained and awkward between the two of you — and to me that's not worth the very small benefit of DS having a few extra weeks of dishwasher unloading experience in his life.

I'd just let her unload it and find other things for DS to do for the relatively short period of time remaining in her stay. Have him help reorganize cabinets or wash windows or something. If there really aren't any other chores you can think of, and the issue is that he's spending the extra half hour he would have spent on chores on technology instead, just make him read a book for half an hour.

[Katy]

Maybe he can do one task of deep cleaning per day instead?  Like remove the clothing from one drawer, vacuum, then wipe with a damp microfiber cloth or clorox wipe, put clothes back, folding as he goes. Depending on drawer size, maybe 2 per day. 
 

He could spend 1 day wiping baseboards, etc. Learning to clean a toilet. Wiping all the switch plates with an antibacterial solution or wipe. Or any other obscure chores that take 5-10 minutes.

[Catwoman]

Why is it so important that your ds have chores?

He's only 11. Why not just consider it to be a vacation for him?

(My family has never had our kids do regular chores, and all of the kids have turned out to be normal, responsible adults.)

[Faith-manor]

I suspect your houseguest may feel like she needs to contribute, but is kind of unsure of what to do so just randomly does things. I would be more inclimned to assign specific things to her such as a once a week vacuum and just or plan and cook two meals or something like that. I wouldn't worry so much about your ds. Houseguest will be gone in a while, and you will be able to get him back on track with helping.

Edited September 9, 2023 by Faith-manor

[EKS]

8 hours ago, lulalu said:

Am I being unreasonable getting annoyed by this? Do I keep repeating daily that DS needs a chore?

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but have you actually said "Please do not empty the dishwasher"?  That is more direct than saying "Emptying the dishwasher is son's chore."  Also, perhaps she needs a chore of her own.  Is there anything you could give her to do?

[SKL]

I would just give son something else to do.

I think the houseguest feels like she should do something for the house rather than just sit on the receiving end.  I can relate to that.

I also think your annoyance is related to the fact that you don't have good chemistry with this person.  I can relate to that also.

[Bootsie]

If it is only for a few months, I would ride it out.  I would use it as an opportunity to say that she is role-modelling good long-term houseguest behavior by pitching in with chores rather than just simply sitting around being waited on.  

[QueenCat]

2 hours ago, Catwoman said:

Why is it so important that your ds have chores?

He's only 11. Why not just consider it to be a vacation for him?

(My family has never had our kids do regular chores, and all of the kids have turned out to be normal, responsible adults.)

 All these years, I thought you only had one child.

[Heartstrings]

 

7 hours ago, lulalu said:

I am not worried about his future. Dealing with the here and now. He is an average 11 year old boy. Telling me everyday guest did my chores already so now he thinks he can do technology all day instead and is getting so whiny. 

If the main goal of his chores is to eat up time before he gets on electronics  (a valid and worthy goal!). maybe you can broaden that to include reading or art.  I’ve seen summer list where kids need to read something, create something, clean something, and move their body before electronic time. Maybe something like that would work for this season.   

Edited September 5, 2023 by Heartstrings

[Catwoman]

39 minutes ago, QueenCat said:

 All these years, I thought you only had one child.

I do! 🙂 

I meant my extended family, but I can see that I worded it very awkwardly. Oops! 🤭

[Spryte]

We’ve run into similar problems with extended houseguests, and I found it annoying as well. My annoyance was partly, I think now, at having a houseguest for so long, upending our balance and our comfortable system. I know the guest was trying to be helpful, and I just dealt with it, because that was easier for all. But if it helps to articulate the annoyance:

My DS was 13, and unloading the DW was one of his only contributions to the household. Having the guest do it sporadically sort of threw DS off balance — he got out of the habit of doing it first thing in the morning and started complaining when he did need to do it.

Also, unloading the DW was a chore that DS did well, without any guidance (prior to the guest). Giving him a new one required effort on my part — we had a system, and I didn’t *need* anything else, and I didn’t want to make something up arbitrarily just so he had something to do, or take time teaching DS to do a new thing, or assign a different chore each day. That just made more work for me, and I already had extra work (because guest!).

I finally decided to just roll with it, and chalk it up to part of having a guest. I did start having DS help with laundry about that age, so pivoting to that have him a new skill.

Good luck! Whatever your reason for the extended guest — you’re doing a good thing. You’re definitely not lazy! Hang in there.

 

 

[SKL]

In the raising of a teen, for me, teaching kids about correct behavior with houseguests (and, correspondingly, how to be a good houseguest) is actually more important than the regular doing of a given chore.

I wonder if there is anything you could ask your son to do that would relate to the houseguest.  For example, does she have a car he could wash / detail for her (with permission)?  Help her carry stuff after shopping?  Run to the mailbox with to mail her letters?  Does he thank her when she does his chore and ask if there is anything he could do for her in return?  Does he spend time chatting with her to help both of them pass idle time?

[katilac]

On 9/5/2023 at 1:23 PM, SKL said:

In the raising of a teen, for me, teaching kids about correct behavior with houseguests (and, correspondingly, how to be a good houseguest) is actually more important than the regular doing of a given chore.

I wonder if there is anything you could ask your son to do that would relate to the houseguest.  For example, does she have a car he could wash / detail for her (with permission)?  Help her carry stuff after shopping?  Run to the mailbox with to mail her letters?  Does he thank her when she does his chore and ask if there is anything he could do for her in return?  Does he spend time chatting with her to help both of them pass idle time?

I for one would not be too excited about trading emptying the dishwasher for washing a car, lol. 

 

[KungFuPanda]

A few months of not emptying the dishwasher won’t hurt your son’s character. Let her contribute and teach DS to do laundry or cook or clean his room or do an errand instead. Maybe he can clean the car? He can even dust, water plants, or learn to empty, edit, and organize a closet. Maybe take him to the store and give him a small portion of the grocery list?