I hurt my daughter’s feelings(JAWM)

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

Both of my two older kids are hyper fixated on dogs.  Like I can’t hear one more darn word about dogs or I’m going to scream.  Somehow this hyperfixation doesn’t translate into taking care of our dogs though.

In any case I came home from grocery shopping, sat on the couch, and DD11 wanted to immediately show me the google slide presentation she made this afternoon about dogs. I was trying to pay attention while talking on the phone to a hospital nurse trying to arrange a patient discharge in the next 30 minutes because I’m trying to be the shift supervisor from home because of a call in as well as texting around trying to find last minute child care for a 24 hour period tomorrow since both DH and I are working and my MIL is going to have foster niece for the afternoon, so my kids really need to go elsewhere. I know; I should have put the phone down and just watched this 60 slide presentation but everything was feeling urgent.

My daughter slammed the laptop shut and stormed off to her room because I wasn’t paying enough attention. I did apologize and said I would put the phone away and sit and watch it, but she’s not even talking to me.

I feel really bad, and obviously nothing but the pay and benefits for this job are working out, but I am also starting to feel completely unequipped for teenagerhood here.

[PeterPan]

Why are you blaming yourself for this?? Sounds like you need a dedicated work place in your home for occasions you need to work and formal RULES for how they approach you when you are in that work place or on the phone. Not sure how this is on you. Your dd clearly didn't have her SOMEONE IS ON THE PHONE glasses on.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

Just now, PeterPan said:

Why are you blaming yourself for this?? Sounds like you need a dedicated work place in your home for occasions you need to work and formal RULES for how they approach you when you are in that work place or on the phone. Not sure how this is on you. Your dd clearly didn't have her SOMEONE IS ON THE PHONE glasses on.

It’s very rare that I work from home. Maybe once every two or three months at most,  I don’t think she’s even aware what I was doing.  Like today I’ve only had to take two phone calls. 
I think a lot of it is that I seriously feel like I can’t handle any more discussion of dogs or dog breeds or dog characteristics or a teacher’s dog or anything, and the kids know I’m only half paying attention to what they consider The Most Important Topic On Earth.

[Kassia]

I'm sorry.  You did the best you could and even apologized, but it's hard when we feel like we aren't there for our kids when they want to share something with us.  You have a lot going on.  I hope dd realizes this and gets over it quickly.  

[Arcadia]

1 minute ago, Kassia said:

I hope dd realizes this and gets over it quickly.  

My mom was a nurse. She would promised to do stuff with me (like going out for coffee) on her off day but was sometimes too tired to do anything other than nap or stay home and read the newspapers. I would be upset/disappointed for a while and then get over it.

[PeterPan]

12 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

I can’t handle any more

Did you ever take that Celebrity cruise you were talking about a while back? I was watching a tour of the Celebrity Edge and wondered if you had ever gone. I would be so on the line with Celebrity, maybe liking it, maybe not. Maybe if you're working and this is a profitable venture then some of that money has to go into Mom Sanity Fund. And for me at least, ain't nothing better than a cruise. Nothing. They cook, they clean, my kid disappears, everyone smiles, and I do whatever I want, eat what I want, watch what I want, talk to whom I want. Bliss.

You deserve bliss. I had a professional make data and tell me I NEED that kind of break every three months. Literally that's what my data shows for my house, my reality. So why pussyfoot around this and pretend you're some kind of immortal saint who can put up with DOGS nonstop from two sides and who knows what conversation from the tired husband who comes home??? Go take a cruise. If there's no money, then ask why you're working but not helping YOURSELF in the process. If you don't take care of yourself, there's nothing. There's money. Go on a cruise. 

Or do something else like 3 nights at a hotel, leaving town, I don't know. Could be something cheaper. I don't drink but you could go get drunk with girlfriends if that's your thing. Whatever it is, go do it till it's done so thoroughly that you have your ZEN back and can be the chilled, calm mother you mean to be.

And set up that office. Even if it's a corner with a divider wall and a sign. Seriously. Completely unacceptable to say she can't notice you're on the phone. She has eyes. If she doesn't have eyes, she has ears. Put up the sign while you're working.

Edited July 19, 2023 by PeterPan

[mommyoffive]

26 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

Both of my two older kids are hyper fixated on dogs.  Like I can’t hear one more darn word about dogs or I’m going to scream.  Somehow this hyperfixation doesn’t translate into taking care of our dogs though.

In any case I came home from grocery shopping, sat on the couch, and DD11 wanted to immediately show me the google slide presentation she made this afternoon about dogs. I was trying to pay attention while talking on the phone to a hospital nurse trying to arrange a patient discharge in the next 30 minutes because I’m trying to be the shift supervisor from home because of a call in as well as texting around trying to find last minute child care for a 24 hour period tomorrow since both DH and I are working and my MIL is going to have foster niece for the afternoon, so my kids really need to go elsewhere. I know; I should have put the phone down and just watched this 60 slide presentation but everything was feeling urgent.

My daughter slammed the laptop shut and stormed off to her room because I wasn’t paying enough attention. I did apologize and said I would put the phone away and sit and watch it, but she’s not even talking to me.

I feel really bad, and obviously nothing but the pay and benefits for this job are working out, but I am also starting to feel completely unequipped for teenagerhood here.

Um me too.  Me too.  Tweens and teens are so exhausting to me.  I feel for the advice of my dh telling me it was going to be easier, but I know now that wasn't true at all.  If I am going to be just as exhausted as I was with babies I would really rather have a sweet baby snuggled up on me.  

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

I have a cruise booked for next May for our 15th wedding anniversary.  We’ll be on the Liberty of The Seas for five days.

I wish we lived closer to a port and I could just jump on a cruise lol.  But frankly the biggest obstacle is that we are so short staffed that it’s hard to get PTO approved. I’m not proud of it but I just got two PTO days approved because I had been assured before officially hired that my already scheduled speaking engagements would be given to be off no matter what and I threatened to quit if that promise wasn’t upheld(apparently the person who made that promise is in no way authorized to make those kind of promises lol).  I’m also not proud of this either, but DD is going to sleep away camp the next three weeks and only going to be home on weekends(and youngest DS is going two of those weeks) and oldest DS is at extended school year for another month or so during the day, and if one person says one word to me about dogs while they’re gone, I probably will scream.  Literally DS13 followed me around for an hour today talking about dogs and telling me the same story of his teacher’s Great Dane three times.

I had my AirPods in so I’m not sure she initially realized I was actually on a phone call and not just texting. Usually she’s good about waiting if I’m on the phone.

Edited July 19, 2023 by Mrs Tiggywinkle Again

[kathyl]

It might help to say something along the lines of 'I can't see it now, but I can see it at X o'clock'.  Kids think in terms of milliseconds, not minutes or hours.  And if she keeps coming back, just keep reminding her of what you just said to her.

I agree about a designated work space, too.  It would make a kind of boundary that your dc might learn to respect (given lots of 'encouragement' to do so ;))

Also, fwiw, I always knew that if I got a dog, it would basically be MY dog because my dc wouldn't be consistent with it's upkeep.  So I picked out our dogs and I did all the work and they played with the dogs sometimes.  

[PeterPan]

7 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

.  I’m also not proud of this either, but ... camp

That's AWESOME!!! Why aren't you proud of this?? I SO wanted to have my ds go to camp this summer. On his new meds he actually could, except we don't have the dose quite stable for when he gets sunburnt, has a growth spurt, etc,. meaning a camp nurse can't quite handle it. But yeah, send 'em in a heartbeat! This is good stuff!!! I'm happy for you and I hope you get to indulge in falafel and eggplant parmesan and curry and whatever you don't get to eat while they're there till you BUST with zen happiness. You should be totally PROUD that your kids can go to camp. Seriously. Not ashamed. 

[wintermom]

Hugs. It is so tough being a parent. We've all been in your shoes trying to attend to everything. It is exhausting, both, mentally and physically. Yoy are doing great, even if it doesn't seem enough at times.

No one ever feels prepared for teen dc. No one would believe any prep guide to parenting a teen even if there was one. You just have to hold on tight to your own sanity and try to survive the wild ride. 😅

[PeterPan]

10 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

Literally DS13 followed me around for an hour tod

Remind me, are they in school and they're out now with no one to talk to except you? Or they're homeschooled now? Cuz seriously, you're gonna laugh, but honey the answer to this is SPEECH THERAPY. You pay someone else to listen to them go on about dogs. 😂😂😂 Look into it. You have diagnoses, so maybe you could get some coverage? You can laugh, but I try to have an SLP or similar session (psych, music therapy, whatever) almost every day of the week. I kid you not. Let that person listen to my ds' obsessions and try to turn it into rational conversation. I get a break. Bwhahaha.

[PeterPan]

13 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

I had my AirPods in so I’m not sure she initially realized I was actually on a phone call and not just texting. Usually she’s good about waiting if I’m on the phon

You sure do blame yourself a lot for the behavior of your kids. Zero excuse. There is no way in the world a living teen in the US has not seen airpods to know what they are. She just wasn't paying attention. So you make your sign for your designated space, you show her your communication methods, show her what engagement in working MIGHT look like, tell her it's NOT EXHAUSTIVE and that ANYTHING else you are doing in that space or with those methods in any other location in the house = work. Just be very straight.

15 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

affed that it’s hard to get PTO approved.

Ugh, so hard. I love that you're getting creative though to get breaks. Just stop feeling guilty about it. You need breaks and it's fine. It's normal for kids at this age to get some space, try their wings. Normal. You're giving your kids a therapeutic stretch and it just happens to benefit you too. 

 

16 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

e’ll be on the Liberty of The Seas for five days.

Yay!!! I hope it's as fun as you dreamed it would be. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

4 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

Remind me, are they in school and they're out now with no one to talk to except you? Or they're homeschooled now? Cuz seriously, you're gonna laugh, but honey the answer to this is SPEECH THERAPY. You pay someone else to listen to them go on about dogs. 😂😂😂 Look into it. You have diagnoses, so maybe you could get some coverage? You can laugh, but I try to have an SLP or similar session (psych, music therapy, whatever) almost every day of the week. I kid you not. Let that person listen to my ds' obsessions and try to turn it into rational conversation. I get a break. Bwhahaha.

Haha. So of course the only child in my house that qualifies for speech therapy does not hyperfixate on things.  And DD officially has no diagnosis but the older she gets the further from neurotypical she moves.

I feel kind of bad because really they’re going to all these weeks of overnight camp because it solves our childcare problem.  They love going(the younger two; my oldest with autism would detest every minute of it, but he’s in school during the day anyway) so I am really the only one feeling bad here.

[fairfarmhand]

My oldest dd was constantly huffing off and complaining "You never listen to me!" in that overly dramatic whiny way that only 10-14 year old girls can do.

Then, they made this video for church having all the kids say what they appreciated about their moms. My whiny overdramatic dd calmly and sweetly told the camera. "My mom is so special because she always makes time to listen to me...... "

I had to laugh. It was so absurd. It's ok. You're a good mom. And Dogs nonstop would make me scream too. My son? It's either Dungeons and Dragons or Minecraft. Sigh.

Edited July 19, 2023 by fairfarmhand

[stephanier.1765]

1 minute ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

Haha. So of course the only child in my house that qualifies for speech therapy does not hyperfixate on things.  And DD officially has no diagnosis but the older she gets the further from neurotypical she moves.

I feel kind of bad because really they’re going to all these weeks of overnight camp because it solves our childcare problem.  They love going(the younger two; my oldest with autism would detest every minute of it, but he’s in school during the day anyway) so I am really the only one feeling bad here.

You are not the only parent doing this. Not even close. This is just smart parenting.

[PeterPan]

5 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

Haha. So of course the only child in my house that qualifies for speech therapy does not hyperfixate on things.  And DD officially has no diagnosis but the older she gets the further from neurotypical she moves.

Ship has sailed. Girls fly under the radar. Just saying. 

5 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

overnight camp because it solves our childcare problem

Or God was good to you and engineered a situation where you HAD to take the plunge. Stop feeling so guilty, seriously!!! It's going to be for the best!!! Ok, they'll go and get into drugs and get girlfriends and have stories. I mean, we took a cruise recently and my ds was making out (hyperbole here, cuddling in discrete places doing who knows what) with this girl the whole trip. I was like OH MY LANDS I HAVE FAILED AND MY SON IS FALLING INTO IMMORALITY. After the cruise she tossed him within a week as he didn't have the social skills to hold her. It was fun while it lasted, not too much harm done. 

If this guilt is appropriate and you're a horrible parent and know it, you really should change paths. But if you're not changing paths, I'm assuming because it's thought out, rational, and for the best. I ate half a bag of m&ms today. There are solutions like this.

Edited July 19, 2023 by PeterPan

[kbutton]

That's frustrating!

I'm so very glad that my non-NT kids tend to fixate on useful things they are learning (either contributes to life skills or future interests that could be a career) and don't need a lot of external validation for it. They are kind of stealth learners a lot of the time.

Is there someone else to listen? Grandparents? Cousins? 4H group? 

[PeterPan]

1 minute ago, kbutton said:

stealth learners

Oh my lands. Ds is so convinced Youtube is a valid educational method. And maybe it is, but he's thinks therefore no one needs to READ ever again. Warped our world is, Mama Yoda laments.

Btw, they're that into dogs, maybe a dog group locally would work or dog volunteer work.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

1 minute ago, PeterPan said:

Oh my lands. Ds is so convinced Youtube is a valid educational method. And maybe it is, but he's thinks therefore no one needs to READ ever again. Warped our world is, Mama Yoda laments.

Btw, they're that into dogs, maybe a dog group locally would work or dog volunteer work.

The one plus side is that my sister, who has autism as well, is also hyper fixated on dogs and is happy to discuss them all day long. 
They can’t volunteer till 18, but they’ve got a thriving business walking dogs at the campground on the weekends we make it to our seasonal site.  And DS’s school offers an animal science program that he’s not old enough for but his caring social worker takes him up to help with the grooming part.

Right now he’s sitting here reading me all the reasons you should never seperate a puppy from its mother too early.  It’s a bulleted list that he alphabetized. And my mother kindly is FaceTiming my daughter and watching with raptured attention to her google slide show which is now up to 80 slides. My mother was never that interested in my hyperfixations, come to think about it, but she did fund quite a few trips to Civil War battlegrounds, so there’s that. 

[kbutton]

13 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

Oh my lands. Ds is so convinced Youtube is a valid educational method. And maybe it is, but he's thinks therefore no one needs to READ ever again. Warped our world is, Mama Yoda laments.

Btw, they're that into dogs, maybe a dog group locally would work or dog volunteer work.

Well, mine has learned a ton from youtube. He'll read, but he prefers to see things. I love my reference books for things like sewing, but nothing beats a really great youtube tutorial, lol!!! He learns a lot of historical stuff from car videos too--I'm surprised how much. He could probably be a car museum docent without much effort at this point. 

I guess it depends what you want to learn. DS has learned a ton about cars via youtube. He has done quite a few repairs to his vehicle and to ours. If he has a question, the guy around the corner will usually clarify things for him. Ditto with fixing just about anything. Saves lots and lots of money.

[PeterPan]

10 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

 a thriving business walking dogs

What a cool idea!!! How did they get started in this? How do you know if it's a good thing and is it hard to set up? Does it require tax structures? They list somewhere or put up a sign? Ds has budding signs of dog decency and I could almost see him doing this. He'd need some modest instruction, lol.

[Gil]

I don't get it. An 11yo doesn't understand that when you're on the phone for work, you're not available for all the basic "look at me, mom!" type stuff?

 

How is this your fault?

 

[PeterPan]

12 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

ut she did fund quite a few trips to Civil War battlegrounds, so there’s that. 

Yes, the things mothers do. I took my ds to europe and spent a fair chunk of the trip at a place connected to his obsession. And I may do it again at another place for that obsession. My new thing is telling him to GET A JOB so he can go to places connected to his obsession. 😂 He's now wanting to go to Cologne for something, and I'm like fine bud, WORK A JOB. Motivation baby, lol. 

[PeterPan]

15 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

And DS’s school offers an animal science program that he’s not old enough for but his caring social worker takes him up to help with the grooming part.

That sounds wonderful!!! I'm starting to look for this like this for ds. 

[Katy]

Hugs. I think tween girls are harder than teens. At least the emotional hormones stuff is harder than power battles to me. 

[kbutton]

2 minutes ago, Katy said:

Hugs. I think tween girls are harder than teens.

I definitely found this true with boys (so far--one is 19 and is 15, and things can change).

[Not_a_Number]

Awww. I’m sorry your daughter is mad. That’s stressful.

I think you can apologize to her later without making it seem like what you were doing wasn’t important. After she feels heard and validated, you can have a talk about WHY you weren’t able to listen then and can maybe hear her suggestions about how to handle that in future.

Edited July 19, 2023 by Not_a_Number

[Carrie12345]

I’m sorry she’s upset, which is a normal response.  
I’m sorry you were indisposed, which is normal for moms.

It’s been almost 8 months of me doing online college and my 12, 16, and 20yos still can’t always contain themselves when I’m in the thick of it. 😒

[Clarita]

I was this once when I was in middle school I grew out of it (a few years). I remember how angry I was at my mother because her life wasn't all about dance/cheerleading and me getting on the cheerleading squad/dance team. A few years later I realized how ridiculous I was.

I'd have to say she's not wrong but you're not wrong either. It's just a really hard stage of life. As an outsider, it seems tween are just in this stage where they are growing into figuring out exactly what it is that lets them know someone really cares about them. To complicate things it's not just their logic involved but hormones and brain development.   

[BusyMom5]

Because I am also a terrible mother, I'm going to tell you that kids need to learn that there are times when adults need quiet time, time on the phone, time to prepare meals and time to clean messes.  Yesterday my 5 year old threw a fit for over an hour because I told her I couldn't do school (starting at 4:30 -well past school time).  I was doing boring mom stuff like emptying the dishwasher and cutting things up for dinner.  

[ScoutTN]

Sorry for the drama. Not your fault. Let it go. Hooray for camp!!

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

It was a bigger deal than normal because slide show is her life right now, and she’s so proud of it. I’ve just already seen most of the slides because she’s shown it to me before, but when she adds slides she has to start from the beginning.

They adore camp, DS13 adores having time with DH and I, DH loves the silence and I love not worrying about childcare. So I guess everyone is good with it. I just keep following all these Wild and Free homeschoolers on IG and wishing my life looked like that.

[Renai]

2 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

It’s very rare that I work from home. Maybe once every two or three months at most,  I don’t think she’s even aware what I was doing.  Like today I’ve only had to take two phone calls. 
I think a lot of it is that I seriously feel like I can’t handle any more discussion of dogs or dog breeds or dog characteristics or a teacher’s dog or anything, and the kids know I’m only half paying attention to what they consider The Most Important Topic On Earth.

I work from home daily, and my 12yo dd will still miss that I am actually busy and she shouldn't ask for my attention at certain times.

My dd likes wolves, dragons, and gaming. That's all she talks about (she's also done a dragon presentation on Google slides, although not 80 slides long!). She has called me out a couple of times when I've absentmindedly said, "uh huh" if she asks if I can listen, then figured out I actually wasn't. She does get upset, and has said "If you can't listen to me right now, just say so!" She has a point. If my mind is occupied with something else, it's best if I'm just straightforward and let her know I can listen later. 

Speaking of which, she just finished carving a small box into a mini movie theater and showed me a "movie" of two slides about....a dragon... I liked it. 😁

[PeterPan]

13 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

when she adds slides she has to start from the beginning.

Just to tweak this: she *wants* to start from the beginning. That's like a narrative language thing where people retell the WHOLE STORY to get to the one piece and you're like come on dude, summarize, get me to the salient part. You could work on this back door, another way, with something else, not with her dog powerpoint. I want to work on it more with ds, sigh. His stories are so stinking long and sometimes you just need the three points or the new info or the parts I don't already know.

14 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

I just keep following all these Wild and Free homeschoolers on IG and wishing my life looked like that.

I think there's plenty of data on what social media does to mental health. You KNOW this, but you're hanging on there letting them feel guilty?? I'm not a nice person on social media; you make me feel guilty and like crap I unfollow you. You post your brag FB junk, I unfollow you. You post how your kid so genius or so boy scout and so accomplished, I unfollow you. I know the Bible says to rejoice with people, but I don't think it said I have to hang with people who brag.

Maybe find a dirty and happy IG? Or something else?? I don't know. Everything I follow is cruising and they're pretty live and let live. Right now it's all about how the staff will feel on nudist cruises. Can't get more live and let live than that, lol. There's some herd effect of cruising more, traveling more, and that's really hard to disconnect from and go this is what's good for me, that's fine that that works for them. It's really hard even when you KNOW to take a step back and be rational. 

If it's a good information source, it's worth keeping. If it makes you feel happy or more zen, it's worth keeping. If it makes you feel guilty and underproductive, just unfollow and live in peace, mercy. I had a store locally that I so wanted to love. This lady could curate like nobody's business and her arrangements for home decor were so gifted. But I finally realized that going in there only left me GUILTY about all the things I couldn't figure out how to do in my house. My house still looks the same, but axeing that store from my life left me happier about it. LOL Axe people. Life is too short for that. 

[Heartstrings]

31 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

I just keep following all these Wild and Free homeschoolers on IG and wishing my life looked like that.

I feel like asleep Away camp is right up that alley.  

[Rosie_0801]

You're allowed to say your ears are tired and you can't hear any more about dogs right now. 
You're allowed to say you can't cope with the full story all over again, but you will be happy to listen to the updates.

Ya know, because mammas are people too and even toddlers are old enough to start learning that. 
If kiddo can't quite process what that means, you're not a bad mamma if you role play verbally dumping on her until she starts freaking out and saying "that's what it feels like for me too when I'm being overloaded with more words than I can cope with." 

[Gil]

2 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

It was a bigger deal than normal because slide show is her life right now, and she’s so proud of it. I’ve just already seen most of the slides because she’s shown it to me before, but when she adds slides she has to start from the beginning.

They adore camp, DS13 adores having time with DH and I, DH loves the silence and I love not worrying about childcare. So I guess everyone is good with it. I just keep following all these Wild and Free homeschoolers on IG and wishing my life looked like that.

 "So what?"
Slide Shows may be her life right now, but she's only able to sit around obsessing about slide shows and dogs because parents works to keep the internet and electricity on and her comfortable enough that she can sit around fussing about a dog slide show instead of wondering where her next meal will come from or if she'll be able to learn to read and write before she's grown.

At 11 years old, the kid was being a drama queen. Her brattitude was unfounded. It's natural to be disappointed that a parent is busy and it was kind of you to apologize, but I wouldn't make a habit of it because you hadn't done anything wrong or hurtful. Don't teach your kids to grovel and apologize just because someone is noisy about being offended even though they're unfounded.

I don't know what Wild and Free Homeschoolers are and I have the goodsense to not muck around on social media so I won't be finding out anytime soon. Delete your social media accounts and block them on your WiFi router to kick the habit. You'll be happier and more grounded once you get that nonsense out of your system.

[Katy]

I don't want to agree with @Gil because this was a JAWM post, but yeah.  What he said.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

I guess we try to give the kids our undivided attention when they’re talking to us and trying to show us something.  It’s extremely rare to have any work related anything while at home and we don’t often talk on the phone anyway.  
Husband and I both grew very outdoorsy.  We would have preferred that lifestyle for our kids, such as this summer we were hoping to visit most of our state parks.  But it just doesn’t seem to be able to happen.  

[SKL]

I feel ya!  I work at home, and there are times when I just have to tell my kids to wait.  And all of us sometimes lose focus on our kids' presentations.  🙂

I've heard my kids complain "all mom does is work."  😛  Well if you believe what I post on this site, you know that isn't true, but I guess that's how they see it.  You would think people would appreciate the work that provides their luxuries, but they don't seem to make that connection.

You apologized.  Your daughter is 11.  It's a sensitive age IME.  She will get over herself.  Then you can discuss strategies for the future that will allow her to feel heard despite your work demands.

As for the upcoming teen years, what can I say?  Some things are going to get harder before they get easier.  My 16yos are getting better about communicating respectfully, but now they are driving.  😯  Let's just leave it at that!

[SKL]

As for her slide show, maybe tell her (when everyone is happier) that it's better if she just shows you her progress weekly or less ... because if one keeps seeing the same thing over and over, psychologically one's brain is not processing it in a way that is helpful to her.  If you already know too much about what is coming next, you can't give her good feedback about how first-time viewers are going to process it.

[marbel]

Aw, I can't count how many times I've hurt my kids' feelings over the years. And it's almost always been the result of too dang much going on at one time. 

At some point I'd have a talk with your kids about work, and how they can know not to approach you when you are working at home. Even if it's not often, it's good to know. My kids grew up with me being available to them all the time, and it probably wasn't great for any of us. 

I also get the guilt and discontent that comes with seeing how other people are living more beautiful lives. I did my homeschooling before instagram and it's a good thing. I had plenty to make me feel inadequate. Well, I still do, it's just different stuff now!

 💗

 

[EKS]

2 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

I guess we try to give the kids our undivided attention when they’re talking to us and trying to show us something.

That's great, but that isn't the same thing as giving them your undivided attention every time they demand it.  You should be able to say something like, "I am working right now.  I'd love to hear all about it when I'm done."

[Bambam]

I haven't read all the replies yet, but I will say, as the mom of two young adults, they do need to learn sometime that they are not the center of the universe. Sometimes just saying, "I don't have the bandwidth for that right now." or whatever, IMHO, is fine. 

My kids still laugh when I would say, "No more talking. My ears are too full of words right now." I said this when they were very young and would get in let's-talk-every-available-minute mood. And almost always in heavy traffic. 

Sometimes, yes, you have to stop everything and give them undivided attention. Other times, they need to learn to wait. And yes it is hard sometimes because we are juggling many things those sweet young kids do not see/understand. 

Personally, I wouldn't feel guilty. I would explain, and I might apologize for hurting her feelings.

[pinball]

1 hour ago, marbel said:

how they can know not to approach you when you are working at home.

When someone is on the phone, kids need a signal and an explanation about when to override the signal…then they need to practice.

A good signal is the hand up, shoulder level…it means, stop, I’m on the phone and I will be with you as soon as I can. When you don’t use it (hey, it’s grandpa on the phone, I’ll let you talk when I’m done) they realize that some calls they can talk to you and others they can’t. I think it makes it easier for some kids so they don’t get frustrated every time someone is on the phone.

When to override the signal…someone hurt, a fire, someone threw up, not in the toilet…

[Clemsondana]

I'm mostly home all day, often in the same room with kid(s) for hours each day.  If not, it's far more likely to be because the kids are at their chosen activity/friend gathering (that I spend 1-2 hours most days driving to) than because I need to be somewhere.  Even with that, I have one who gets upset if my attention isn't available when kid gets the urge to talk (which is most of the day).  If I'm sending an email, say that I need to finish reading something first, etc...then kid is upset that other things 'are more important'.  Kid doesn't consider time when I'm snapping green beans or doing dishes while conversing as 'paying attention' either.  This isn't to complain about my kid, but more to say that it may be a teen/tween thing, it may just be a kid's personality, but there is no guarantee that if you had everything the way that you would like that you wouldn't still run into this problem.  Even if you are home all day, there are times when you are in the middle of something and it isn't reasonable for a kid to think that you can drop what you are doing.  Even if it's purely social, it's not ideal to stop mid-text with a friend or family member just because a child has started talking.  I make sure that I set aside some time to spend 1:1 with each family member each day but I'm not always going to be available the minute that it crosses my child's mind to start a monologue.  This isn't to say that I only have conversations at the allotted time, but to point out that it's a good thing to help kids learn that other people are autonomous beings with things that they need and want to do and that the wants of one person can't always dictate what other people are doing.  

[EKS]

46 minutes ago, pinball said:

When to override the signal…someone hurt, a fire, someone threw up, not in the toilet…

My standard question was "Is someone dying?"

[Renai]

5 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

I guess we try to give the kids our undivided attention when they’re talking to us and trying to show us something.  It’s extremely rare to have any work related anything while at home and we don’t often talk on the phone anyway.  
Husband and I both grew very outdoorsy.  We would have preferred that lifestyle for our kids, such as this summer we were hoping to visit most of our state parks.  But it just doesn’t seem to be able to happen.  

We are also outdoorsy people and it didn't happen for us either! 😢 Those big beautiful mountains beckoning to us outside the door. We just waved back. 

And, yes, we do try to give our undivided attention when our kids speak to us. Unless we can't. And it's okay to say, "I want to listen to what you say, but I can't right now," or just a "Wait." It's better to wait for my undivided attention (hide the phone!), than get only half and feel bad (both of us). We've gone through plenty of hurt feelings and being mad, and this is what works for both of us. Both of us are ADHD, I'm perimeno, she's hormonal, and we are just learning to love each other through all of it. I remember it going differently with my now-adult daughter, but I didn't work as much then.

 

5 hours ago, SKL said:

I feel ya!  I work at home, and there are times when I just have to tell my kids to wait.  And all of us sometimes lose focus on our kids' presentations.  🙂

I've heard my kids complain "all mom does is work."  😛  Well if you believe what I post on this site, you know that isn't true, but I guess that's how they see it.  You would think people would appreciate the work that provides their luxuries, but they don't seem to make that connection.

You apologized.  Your daughter is 11.  It's a sensitive age IME.  She will get over herself.  Then you can discuss strategies for the future that will allow her to feel heard despite your work demands.

As for the upcoming teen years, what can I say?  Some things are going to get harder before they get easier.  My 16yos are getting better about communicating respectfully, but now they are driving.  😯  Let's just leave it at that!

Yeah, my daughter throws that at me, too. 🙄 😅

[knitgrl]

19 hours ago, kathyl said:

It might help to say something along the lines of 'I can't see it now, but I can see it at X o'clock'.  Kids think in terms of milliseconds, not minutes or hours.  And if she keeps coming back, just keep reminding her of what you just said to her.

I agree about a designated work space, too.  It would make a kind of boundary that your dc might learn to respect (given lots of 'encouragement' to do so ;))

Also, fwiw, I always knew that if I got a dog, it would basically be MY dog because my dc wouldn't be consistent with it's upkeep.  So I picked out our dogs and I did all the work and they played with the dogs sometimes.  

This. Also, I detest poorly trained dogs that jump up on you. And I am afraid I would "train" a dog I detest. Which is why we don't have a dog, even though dh really, really wants one. Because guess who wakes up first and would have to take care of said dog, and guess who sleeps in?