When extracurriculars become impractical

[Teaching3bears]

DS16 has been involved in competitive extracurricular sports for the past 8 years.  The practices take place 10 minutes from our home 8 times per week.  Even though this is not far, it has been challenging to do this because I often have to drag along my other 2 sons who have severe special needs.  
 At this point DS has outgrown this venue because all the other athletes are younger and not as good as him and he needs to compete against people as good as him in order to get better.  The older athletes have been going to another facility for practices and it is a half hour drive away.  Most of them drive themselves.  DS does not have his licence and I cannot drive him because there are 8 practices a week and they are about 2 hours each and I have to take care of my other 2 boys who have severe special needs.  
The other option is to get some drives from his peers and take the bus the rest of the time.  It will take 3 buses and a total trip of 1.5-2hours each way for about 6-7 hours/ day This is completely impractical and will interfere with school and be exhausting.  I have tried to explain this to DS but it is not registering and he just says that he wants to go or he leaves the room when I want to talk to him and says he does not want to think about it.  I don’t want him to give up his sport.  He likes it but there are no options right now.    A big problem right now is that I am trying to explore other things for him to do this summer instead and he refuses to talk about it.  We need to decide now because there are application deadlines.  How do I communicate with him without alienating him?  

[mommyoffive]

I am probably not the best one  to be asking this.  I started my kids off in things in our small town that were 5 mins away from our house.  They tried lots of things but overtime dance became what the older ones were really into.  They did park and rec in our town, which was ok when they were really little, but they didn't learn much there and it kind of topped out at 10 ish or younger at the time.  Then we went to another town's park and rec that had a much better program that was 20ish mins away.  But even though it was better they were not really learning ballet, which out of the styles of dance what they liked.  So the only other options were between 45 mins to 1 hour and 20 mins away (sometimes more in bad traffic).  It is exhausting and I hate it.  HATE.  I wanted to move closer over the years, but then they switched schools to another part of the state.  I would still love to move.  I don't know that it is worth the time and money that is spent doing it, but my kids all love it so there is that. 

Have you looked into carpooling?  I would investigate that fully.  Even paying for some of the rides if it is out of the way of the drivers.  It sounds like this is really important to your ds, so I would try to support it.  Can you tell I carry a lot of Covid guilt around with me on the things my kids missed over that time?

Can he go to the activity less than 8 times a week?

Is this his main interest? 

[bookbard]

I don't know if this is realistic, but can DS16 earn some money to pay for an uber (or another parent to take him)? I know in the US you often have long summer holidays, maybe he could get work then? 

[mom2scouts]

If this was my child's main interest, I would try to find a way to make it work. I would try to find one of the other athlete's going to the practices and offer to pay them to give your ds a ride.

[prairiewindmomma]

Can you work to help ds get his license? That seems like the most obvious solution. 
 

A second option would be paying a friend of his to drive him.

[Innisfree]

Is it possible for him to get his drivers license? If that’s what most of his peers are doing, it might be the best option. 

Otherwise, yes, I’d look into carpooling (with a parent driver, preferably) or paying another parent to drive him. I’d be reluctant to encourage carpooling with a relatively new driver.

To communicate with him, could you write him a note? Short, simple, and to the point. “Registration is due on 12/34/56. We need to decide if you want to continue with the sport. I wish I could drive you, but I can’t. If you want to continue, we need to discuss this by 12/23/56. Let’s figure something out; I know you care about this, and I do too.”

[Amy in NH]

If your 16yo is not driving himself, a ten minute car ride could become a 20 minute bike ride.  There have to be other transportation options than a short car ride or stupid long bus trip.

I would not pull my 16yo's one extra-curricular on account of either transportation or special needs siblings - I just think that's really unfair.

[catz]

Honestly, I would be trying to find a way to make this work for a 16 year old if this is his main extracurricular and he's been working at this for 8 years.  I am assuming this is a kid that will graduate and move on to something in 2 years time?   Especially for a young person who has 2 special needs siblings, this is likely a super important outlet and social group for him I'm guessing?  This is heartbreaking to think about.

I would brain storm all the options.  Work on getting his liscense.  Offer to pay other drivers who are going to pick him up.  Work on respite care for siblings.  Price out the occassional uber.  Is he fully homeschooled?  Are there places he could do schoolwork near where he practices like library, coffee shops, etc?  Do you have 2 vehicles/drivers in your household?  These are rhetorical questions, don't feel pressured to answer.  I would just be throwing everything on the table to see what might stick.

[prairiewindmomma]

Everything is difficult when you have severe SN in the mix. IME I’m watching my friends navigate this with their own families, the tensions are highest when the NT kids are in their teens. You have to help them have their own interests and space away and they need to feel supported or when they become adults and can “escape” they leave and don’t come back. 
 

If he isn’t wasn’t to talk about things with you, I suspect he doesn’t feel supported. I know you likely feel or are torn between the needs of your kids, and I know it’s difficult to get workers in, but I would really make him continuing in his long term interest the priority.

[Teaching3bears]

He has had ample opportunity to get his licence and has been too lazy to take the steps to do so even though I offered to help in many ways.  At this point, it would take over a year to be able to drive independently.  There is absolutely no way to bike because there is a big highway.  he can get occasional rides from his peers.  it is asking a lot to do it regularly or for every single trip because they will have to drive him 5-10 minutes out of their way to go home and they are all very busy.  I do have concerns about young drivers driving across the city.

I am not sure how much he likes it.  he does not do that well and he does not seem to socialize a great deal with the others.  He is not elated or excited about it.  When he goes to this new facility he will be the new one and these kids seem way more cliquish.   That is why I am encouraging him to do other things this summer.  I want him to expand his horizons and try new things.  

 

[prairiewindmomma]

Honestly, based on your other posts about him socially going back to school, are you sure that there aren’t minor SN at work with him? Laziness is generally the last label I would apply. I would be looking at executive functioning skills, anxiety and depression first.

[prairiewindmomma]

He says he wants to go, according to your OP. 

I think from your last post, you don’t want him to go.

That does seem to be a conflict. Telling us later he’s not good at it, he has no social skills, and you want him to do other things when he is 16 and two years from adulthood seems like steamrolling what he wants just in this thread. 

 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

I’ve bent over backwards for my daughter to do her chosen sport. She is wedged between two SN brothers, though they don’t have as high support needs as your boys, they are lovable huge energy sucks.  In my mind, she’s given up enough that’s hard for a kid to understand.  
I would investigate paying people to drive him, carpools, Uber costs, whatever I needed to do.

[DoraBora]

11 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

I’ve bent over backwards for my daughter to do her chosen sport. She is wedged between two SN brothers, though they don’t have as high support needs as your boys, they are lovable huge energy sucks.  In my mind, she’s given up enough that’s hard for a kid to understand.  
I would investigate paying people to drive him, carpools, Uber costs, whatever I needed to do.

... including dropping him at driver's house to save the ten or fifteen minutes he'd spend coming to collect ds at your house.

 

 

[Innisfree]

55 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

are you sure that there aren’t minor SN at work with him? Laziness is generally the last label I would apply. I would be looking at executive functioning skills, anxiety and depression first.

Yes. I’m familiar with the opposite extreme of the spectrum from what OP deals with. To me, the description of her ds avoiding the necessary, difficult discussion sounds like shutting down under pressure. Same could go for the driving, if anxiety’s involved. It’s hard to see subtle things as SN, when there’s a daily, stark contrast with severe SN, but they could still have a big impact on his behavior.

[Clemsondana]

I wouldn't have a problem with putting some of the responsibility for figuring out the ride thing on the kid, but I wouldn't encourage a teen to drop an activity.  My teen isn't a starter right now on their sport team and doesn't pal around with the kids (it's a public school team, so the others hang out together more), but kid gets playing time and does well.  Kid also loves every minute of practice and games and seems to be reasonably well liked and enjoys being with their teammates.  We do what we can to support this.  But, at this age responsibility for organizing and figuring schedules out falls on the boys.  So, in your situation, I'd be happy to drop my kid off at a teammate's house but I'd expect my kid to make arrangements as far as who they are riding with each day.  Whether they make a schedule, text somebody the night before, always ride the same kid, etc...that's up to them.  But, I wouldn't encourage a kid to quit if they enjoy the activity and are willing to do some of the work to make it happen.  I would not be arranging transportation on a daily basis.  In our area, doing that for a regular activity for kids after freshman year would be considered strange (parents do arrange things for overnight trips for a different activity, but even then most of the time it starts with the parent asking 'do you know whose parents are driving?' so the kids have done some of the footwork to figure it out).  

There is also the possibility that, after doing the longer travel for a while, your kid will decide that it isn't worth the time commitment and try something new.  Or the hours in the car will help them bond with a teammate.  There's no way to know how it will turn out.  

[Heartstrings]

1 hour ago, Teaching3bears said:

 he can get occasional rides from his peers.  it is asking a lot to do it regularly or for every single trip because they will have to drive him 5-10 minutes out of their way to go home and they are all very busy.

I live in suburbia and driving an extra 5 or 10 minutes to drop someone off is no big deal.  You could also arrange to pick him up at a more central location or at the friends house for either drop off or pick up, or your kiddo could ride a bike from a central location or friends house.  
 

 

I don’t really think a kiddo who is doing 8 practices a week for a sport can fairly be called lazy.  

Edited April 3, 2023 by Heartstrings

[EKS]

It sounds like the obvious solution is for him to get his license.

[SKL]

When my kids couldn't drive but had too many extracurriculars for me to keep driving, I hired a driver for my kids.  For an older teen, I might ask him to pay for the cost of a driver.

Does your son have to go to all 8 weekly practices?  Can he alternate with some conditioning / individual practice at home?

Can he hang out at the library / rec center or work a teen job in between practices?

I also agree that a child of that age should be able to go by bike if the weather isn't too horrible.

[SKL]

2 hours ago, DoraBora said:

... including dropping him at driver's house to save the ten or fifteen minutes he'd spend coming to collect ds at your house.

Or letting him walk or bike to the driver's house.

[Ting Tang]

Is there a happy medium here, maybe longer sessions at the new facility less often? My daughter is in an impractical sport with lessons a distance away, so it can be quite hard, especially with three other kids and a husband who is not enthusiastic about extracurriculars in general.  Sometimes a solution is hard to find, and you have to scour for solutions. Ask his coaches? 

[teachermom2834]

I don’t necessarily have a solution to your problem but I am on my fourth teen. I supported a few (or more) things that maybe didn’t make sense on paper or that my kids weren’t super good at or whatever because I was operating on the assumption that, for my children, staying busy with something productive was more worthwhile than excess downtime. So any discussion of quitting a worthwhile activity would include what would be replacing at least some of that time. I know some kids benefit from tons of down time but my kids might have spent that time on video games or social media or sleeping excessively or binge watching dumb tV or anything not necessarily healthy. So for us just staying busy was worthwhile. I realize that isn’t a fit for everyone. 
 

So perhaps not helpful and fee free to disregard but I would be very hesitant to remove a major activity from a 16 yo boy. 

[Ellie]

1 hour ago, EKS said:

It sounds like the obvious solution is for him to get his license.

...except it would be upwards of a whole year before he'd be able to actually drive himself.

[EKS]

Just now, Ellie said:

...except it would be upwards of a whole year before he'd be able to actually drive himself.

Getting started will help no matter what, given that the OP has her hands full.

[Teaching3bears]

Your responses, while somewhat hurtful, made me more clear on how I feel about this.  I have to get a clearer sense on how much he wants to do this for it’s own sake and how much he is afraid to try something new or think about options and how much he feels pressured to continue.  There is the option to get rides but he will not be able to all the time.  I am thinking that even if he got the rides all the time, there is 2 extra hours of transportation a day on top of 3-4 hours of practice time. He will not have the down time that he needs.   There is also the concern that he won’t get to school on time or have time for meals.  So I don’t know if this is actually doable and he is not listening to that.  He is a super-sweet boy who works hard and not generally lazy and it’s true that he had a bit of anxiety about reading the material about traffic laws etc. that was required to get a driver’s licence.  I feel really sad that he might not be able to continue this for the last year of high school and will try to see if there is another way to do this.  The situation is more complicated than I was able to describe.  

[Teaching3bears]

51 minutes ago, SKL said:

When my kids couldn't drive but had too many extracurriculars for me to keep driving, I hired a driver for my kids.  For an older teen, I might ask him to pay for the cost of a driver.

Does your son have to go to all 8 weekly practices?  Can he alternate with some conditioning / individual practice at home?

Can he hang out at the library / rec center or work a teen job in between practices?

I also agree that a child of that age should be able to go by bike if the weather isn't too horrible.

What was the hourly rate of the driver? How did you find a trustworthy driver?  
The facility is kind of off in a corner of town and there is not much around it except some fast food.  There are about 8 hours between practices.

[mommyoffive]

3 minutes ago, Teaching3bears said:

What was the hourly rate of the driver? How did you find a trustworthy driver?  
The facility is kind of off in a corner of town and there is not much around it except some fast food.  There are about 8 hours between practices.

I would see about the people already going there.  But after that maybe an add on Care.com?  Do you have a college nearby?  

[mommyoffive]

15 minutes ago, Teaching3bears said:

Your responses, while somewhat hurtful, made me more clear on how I feel about this.  I have to get a clearer sense on how much he wants to do this for it’s own sake and how much he is afraid to try something new or think about options and how much he feels pressured to continue.  There is the option to get rides but he will not be able to all the time.  I am thinking that even if he got the rides all the time, there is 2 extra hours of transportation a day on top of 3-4 hours of practice time. He will not have the down time that he needs.   There is also the concern that he won’t get to school on time or have time for meals.  So I don’t know if this is actually doable and he is not listening to that.  He is a super-sweet boy who works hard and not generally lazy and it’s true that he had a bit of anxiety about reading the material about traffic laws etc. that was required to get a driver’s licence.  I feel really sad that he might not be able to continue this for the last year of high school and will try to see if there is another way to do this.  The situation is more complicated than I was able to describe.  

What are the hours of school and then the hours of the sport?  

Can he go to less than the 8 practices? 

If he is being driven by someone can he eat in the car?  With our loonnnnggg commute my kids use all that time.  They eat, do homework, sleep if they are the younger ones, watch tv or read as downtime.  

[EKS]

17 minutes ago, Teaching3bears said:

He is a super-sweet boy who works hard and not generally lazy and it’s true that he had a bit of anxiety about reading the material about traffic laws etc. that was required to get a driver’s licence.

I guess I don't understand why reading about traffic laws would be anxiety producing.

I think that, unless there are extreme circumstances, learning to drive and getting one's license is a critical life skill, and I would do whatever it takes to make it happen.

[fairfarmhand]

4 hours ago, Teaching3bears said:

He has had ample opportunity to get his licence and has been too lazy to take the steps to do so even though I offered to help in many ways.  At this point, it would take over a year to be able to drive independently.  There is absolutely no way to bike because there is a big highway.  he can get occasional rides from his peers.  it is asking a lot to do it regularly or for every single trip because they will have to drive him 5-10 minutes out of their way to go home and they are all very busy.  I do have concerns about young drivers driving across the city.

I am not sure how much he likes it.  he does not do that well and he does not seem to socialize a great deal with the others.  He is not elated or excited about it.  When he goes to this new facility he will be the new one and these kids seem way more cliquish.   That is why I am encouraging him to do other things this summer.  I want him to expand his horizons and try new things.  

 

To keep the other drivers from having to go out of their way you drop him off and pick him up at a spot that is not out of their way. You’ve already been driving 10 min so this is kind of the same thing.

[Ting Tang]

How do others do this sport and manage? Some niche sports have others going through similar circumstances, so you might find support by talking to others. He might not be expressive, but maybe the thought of ending something he’s been at since age 8 is heartbreaking. But maybe there is a way to help him improve— does he hope to do this while in college? You should talk to him, but do his coaches understand this situation? Coaches love the sport; sometimes they forget the parents are juggling other things, too!

[Ellie]

1 hour ago, EKS said:

I think that, unless there are extreme circumstances, learning to drive and getting one's license is a critical life skill, and I would do whatever it takes to make it happen.

This.

[SKL]

2 hours ago, Teaching3bears said:

What was the hourly rate of the driver? How did you find a trustworthy driver?  
The facility is kind of off in a corner of town and there is not much around it except some fast food.  There are about 8 hours between practices.

I paid $20/hour.  The driver was the retired mom of a work colleague.  Previously, when my kids were 7yo, I found a driver by asking around at summer camps if they knew of a college student who wanted to make some money.

In your case, I would see if you could pay one of the teens who drive to the practices to go a bit out of his way to pick up your son.  If he's going there anyway, it shouldn't be a ton of $$.  (Or let your son walk or bike to his house so it isn't out of the way, but still pay a bit for the ride.)

I'm wondering why it will take your son over a year to get his license?

Again, is it required that he practice at the facility 8x a week?  Perhaps by talking to the coaches, something else could be worked out while you figure out his transportation.

[Harriet Vane]

7 hours ago, mom2scouts said:

If this was my child's main interest, I would try to find a way to make it work. I would try to find one of the other athlete's going to the practices and offer to pay them to give your ds a ride.

This. At 16 he is coming into his real strength in that sport. It will be genuinely agonizing to give it up. 

[LaughingCat]

I have to admit that for a 16 yo I wouldn't do all this extra work that some are suggesting without clear input from my child that the activity is extremely important to them -- important enough for them to put in a decent amount of effort themselves -- like in calling the friends to get a ride etc   Just wanting to do the activity at that age is not enough IMO when the activity is a pain for everyone else on an ongoing basis. 

Already having these discussions with my 14yo for her favorite thing -- that she needs to be doing things to show me that her activity is important enough to her that she is willing to put the effort in at home --not just enjoying being at the activity while I do all the grunt work of prepping/getting her there, and that if I'm having to do it all, that maybe that means she's not as interested as she claims.  Obviously there's a lot she can't do herself-- and there are things she struggles with-- but I'm not asking for her to be perfect at it but just putting in some effort.

I would also be blunt in this case that continually walking away from me instead of discussing his options to get to the activity would default to not doing the activity. However, I do feel that if you're trying to push any discussion to the idea that your son should find some other activity that would be easier on everyone else --  that would not be the same as what I'm saying. 

Also from my perspective -- for most sports at 16, if he did not move up to the next level when the other kids did, then he has already been left far behind (unless he happens to be a 'natural' which I'll admit I have seen).   

[katilac]

7 hours ago, Teaching3bears said:

 A big problem right now is that I am trying to explore other things for him to do this summer instead and he refuses to talk about it.  

I'm a little confused. Do the 8 practices a week happen only during the summer? 

In another post, you say something about there being 8 hours between practices - do they go once in the morning, once in the afternoon, so you're looking at four days to figure out? 

What do the other kids do in between the two practices?  

It would help to understand more about how the practices work. 

6 hours ago, Teaching3bears said:

 he can get occasional rides from his peers.  it is asking a lot to do it regularly or for every single trip because they will have to drive him 5-10 minutes out of their way to go home and they are all very busy.  I do have concerns about young drivers driving across the city.

I am not sure how much he likes it.  he does not do that well and he does not seem to socialize a great deal with the others.  He is not elated or excited about it.  When he goes to this new facility he will be the new one and these kids seem way more cliquish.   That is why I am encouraging him to do other things this summer.  I want him to expand his horizons and try new things.  

 

You don't know until you ask. I'd come up with a dollar amount to offer per round trip. If he can get a pretty good number of rides from peers, then maybe you could drive him occasionally and he can take the bus occasionally. Ideally, someone would agree to do it on the regular for a flat fee per week. 

I don't recall what special needs your other kids have. Are they able to go to a fast food restaurant, have snack, and watch a tablet? Or go to a park? Anything that would let you stay near practice and not head home in between. 

I was always concerned about young drivers as well, but I don't think it's a worry worth taking away activities over. That's getting rid of something that has a definite benefit, because of something that probably won't happen (car wreck or whatnot). Sounds like at least some of the parents are driving as well. 

Why do you think he isn't excited about it? He seems fairly insistent on going. I don't see you can know this group of kids is cliquish; it doesn't sound like you really know them. 

If he doesn't want to try new activities, then he doesn't. Sixteen is too old to force it. 

6 hours ago, DoraBora said:

... including dropping him at driver's house to save the ten or fifteen minutes he'd spend coming to collect ds at your house.

 

4 hours ago, Heartstrings said:

I live in suburbia and driving an extra 5 or 10 minutes to drop someone off is no big deal.  You could also arrange to pick him up at a more central location or at the friends house for either drop off or pick up, or your kiddo could ride a bike from a central location or friends house.  

Agreed, it's very common to drive a bit extra to drop someone off. Certainly five minutes is nothing. If that doesn't work for whatever reason, yep, sounds like he can get to a more central location pretty easily. 

2 hours ago, EKS said:

I guess I don't understand why reading about traffic laws would be anxiety producing.

I think that, unless there are extreme circumstances, learning to drive and getting one's license is a critical life skill, and I would do whatever it takes to make it happen.

It's probably anxiety producing because he has anxiety. That might need to be addressed before he gets his license (although he could start a driver's ed course before he's ready to get his license; both of my kids finished driver's ed and then had permits for literal years before actually getting their licenses, lol). 

7 minutes ago, SKL said:

 I'm wondering why it will take your son over a year to get his license?

I think she might mean that it would take him that long to be able to drive alone. Many states have a graduated license system: so many months with the permit, then so many months with a license but also a licensed adult driver in the car with you, some have curfew type things. 

5 hours ago, Clemsondana said:

 But, at this age responsibility for organizing and figuring schedules out falls on the boys.  So, in your situation, I'd be happy to drop my kid off at a teammate's house but I'd expect my kid to make arrangements as far as who they are riding with each day. 

I think this is ideal, and a very worthwhile goal, but I wouldn't let a good EC fall by the wayside bc my kid wasn't capable of doing this. There are all kinds of things that kids "should" be able to do by a certain age, but it's a rare specimen who doesn't miss at least a few of those benchmarks. 

It's like independent work in school: there's a very wide range of when kids are capable, and a very wide range in just how much. You can "should" them all day long, but it doesn't make them any more able to do it, and you're hardly going to halt their education bc they can't. And I would personally not halt an EC bc they aren't yet capable of doing that level of organizing, for whatever reason. 

[katilac]

7 minutes ago, LaughingCat said:

I have to admit that for a 16 yo I wouldn't do all this extra work that some are suggesting without clear input from my child that the activity is extremely important to them -- important enough for them to put in a decent amount of effort themselves -- like in calling the friends to get a ride etc   Just wanting to do the activity at that age is not enough IMO when the activity is a pain for everyone else on an ongoing basis. 

Already having these discussions with my 14yo for her favorite thing -- that she needs to be doing things to show me that her activity is important enough to her that she is willing to put the effort in at home --not just enjoying being at the activity while I do all the grunt work of prepping/getting her there, and that if I'm having to do it all, that maybe that means she's not as interested as she claims.  Obviously there's a lot she can't do herself-- and there are things she struggles with-- but I'm not asking for her to be perfect at it but just putting in some effort.

I would also be blunt in this case that continually walking away from me instead of discussing his options to get to the activity would default to not doing the activity. However, I do feel that if you're trying to push any discussion to the idea that your son should find some other activity that would be easier on everyone else --  that would not be the same as what I'm saying. 

Also from my perspective -- for most sports at 16, if he did not move up to the next level when the other kids did, then he has already been left far behind (unless he happens to be a 'natural' which I'll admit I have seen).   

We were posting at the same moment. 

I agree that the kid should show that the activity is important to them, but I don't think that arranging all his own rides is the way to show it's important. It would be just as valid for him to take a chore away from OP, to make up for some of the time she spends arranging these things or sometimes driving him. 

Walking away from a discussion seems clearly rude on the face of it, but put that together with all of the other things mentioned, and he sounds to me like a kid who is overwhelmed, and very possibly a kid who has anxiety.

OP, this is definitely something I would be addressing. Maybe make an appointment with his GP, giving a heads-up that you are concerned about this and would like the doctor to ask you to step out of the room to discuss it with your son (if you still go in with him). Anxiety is really hard; for every external struggle that you might notice, there are a dozen more internal struggles that no one sees. It's something I would want to rule out. 

I personally don't think it's important if he's been 'left behind' in his sport or not. He must be at least good enough, if the coaches are willing to take him on, and he can just enjoy his final year. I'd never cut an EC just bc the kid wasn't in the top bracket. 

[Teaching3bears]

One of the big reasons I don’t think this will work is that I want him to be out of the house in the summer and this program and the transportation involved will make it so that he is in the house for the bulk of the day and it will not be enough hours for him to do anything else.   The program is year-long and even with a driver it just won’t work.  He would be exhausted from the transportation and lack of opportunity to eat and shower. There would be days that he would just not get to school on time.  It is not doable.  I really need to communicate this to him and he needs to accept it.  Then we can look into finding ways to keep the sport in his life and finding things for him to do this summer that will give him new experiences, expose him to new people and ideas.  

[HomeAgain]

I don't think you need to tell him it won't work.  If he is neurotypical, you can present him with a list of concerns that need to be satisfied.  You can help find solutions, but he needs to understand that each of these are a real concern.  "I am worried that you will not be able to do anything else" translates into him looking at what a daily/weekly schedule will entail.

It's a nice, adultish way of dealing with the matter and growing skills from it, including learning that it won't work at all if that's what it comes down to, but also getting creative with solutions (like getting a ride with a friend who lives 5 minutes away, but maybe you could drop him off/pick him up there). And yes, making time to start the license process.

[SKL]

How are the other kids in this sport getting to school on time, eating, etc?

I think I'd tell him that more than one practice a day won't work, school is a higher priority, and it's up to him to make the transportation happen.

If you leave it up to him to (a) make the transportation happen and (b) get his coach's understanding for attending only 1 practice per day, he can decide whether or not he cares enough to put in the effort to do those things.

I would also insist that he get started on the driving stuff today and keep at it until he can drive independently.  I don't think that should be optional, especially given your family situation.  You need another licensed driver in the house ASAP.

I understand not wanting him to hang around the house all summer.  However, at his age, it should be feasible to get a summer job that doesn't prevent him from practicing a sport.  You could also consider online summer courses and/or other at-home learning opportunities (a building/repair project? cooking practice?) to keep him busy while he is home.  He could put together a personal conditioning program for himself to make up for attending only one official daily practice.  He could help you with his siblings' care.

[Clemsondana]

I'd guess that where a lot of us are struggling is the idea that it's completely unworkable because it's 20 minutes farther - currently it's 10, and the new place is 30, and how it works that often he would be the only kid going. and how even having a 2 hour commute some days would make it impossible to do anything.  Even traveling with different kids, would there still be a lot of days that he'd need to take the bus?  Would it be workable for him to get rides 5 days, you take him 1 day, and he busses 2 times, or something like that?  Right now we are playing 5-6 baseball games a week - usually 1 or 2 home games that are close, but we've driven an hour or more to get to several of them and most are at least 30 minutes away.  We have flexibility as homeschoolers but most kids are doing this after school, many are driving themselves, and they are still managing to eat and such.  It is very tiring, I'll grant that.  But, most of these kids have been going distances for lessons, coaching, or other activities for years.  Maybe it's different in different locations, but driving 30 minutes each way isn't particularly unusual here, and getting rides isn't, either.  Several times, JV or V players have traveled that far to cheer on the other team when they aren't playing.  

I would be fine with saying that something has to give - he needs to arrange rides, or if you are having to drive he needs to help with something at home.  Or make working on learning to drive a condition of continuing.  The statement about the parent not making arrangements for rides was more about the fact that it would be socially awkward here to have a parent texting other kids to find a ride.  I don't know how the practices are scheduled, but is there a job that he could get near the practice to make the commute work better?  If there are 2-a-days, could he work in between so that he didn't need to come home?  Or even at the practice facility - i know a couple of kids who work at the place where they train, and I know others who work near their activity rather than near their house.  Or could he work someplace near home that has 4-hour shifts, making it possible to fit in a shift before or after practice, keeping him out of the house over the summer?  

It may be time to quit - every activity does come to an end at some point - but if that's the case then it's going to be very hard emotionally.  For many kids there is a natural cutoff when they graduate, and it's hard to do it by choice earlier if they aren't planning to.  I'm on a couple of facebook groups for my kids' sports, and there are frequently posts with people remembering the last time they played with a twinge of grief that they don't get to experience that any more.  After my last game in the marching band, I went back to my dorm room and cried (and I'm not a cry-er by nature).  The point is that even if HE thinks it's time to quit (which he may or may not), it's not surprising that it's not something that he wants to deal with.  Even if it absolutely had to happen due to injury or graduation, it's could be very emotional, and if it's something that he doesn't think needs to happen yet then I wouldn't be surprised if there are big feelings.  

All of that being said...every year there are kids who quit the team.  Most do it because they realize that the time that they are putting in is more than the enjoyment that they are getting.  Have him make a schedule and start working on rides to figure out how often he'd be doing each thing - get a ride, bus, parent ride, etc.  Then start looking at work or whatever else he might be planning to do and see where that is and how it would fit together.  He may decide that he wants more downtime, or he may like the thought of being gone a long time.  He may not be interested in the other activities that you want him to try and that's why he wants to stick with this one.  Even he probably doesn't know if he is nervous about new activities or truly likes the current one, but he can start to look at what his options are and see what looks like how he wants to spend his last year or 2 of high school.  

[Bambam]

I'd be tempted to put the ball in his court. 

First, he needs to make a list of pros and cons about continuing. He doesn't need, I think, to show this to anyone, but he needs to think it through. 

Then he needs to make a reasonable schedule about how much time school takes (school + homework + studying time), chores, get-togethers with friends, family time, sleep, just chilling time, etc.   This is to help see if it is even possible to fit the activity in. 

Then he needs to figure out the driving/how to get there. Let him brainstorm. If you can take and bring him back one time/week, give him that info. If you could take just take him two times but he has to arrange a ride back, tell him that. If you just can't do anything, tell him that.  If you don't trust him with teen-drivers, then give him that info. If Dad could take him for one practice, great. And remind him that he cannot place too much extra burden on any other drivers. Short term extra time picking/dropping off someone is one thing, but to do that for months/years is another thing. 

Is it possible to arrange for a caretaker to stay at home with your other sons? Would Activity Boy be willing to pay for that? (O, btw, that means a job then, and that time must be accounted for in the reasonable schedule). 

Change is hard and scary. Going to a new place seems probably less scary than totally new activities. He probably isn't going to see the advantages of new activities like you will, so maybe you need to list those advantages. Sometimes writing things down so someone can read them at their leisure - or talking about them in the car (so you don't have to make eye contact) can be helpful if it is a topic that is stressful to one or both participants. 

 

[KungFuPanda]

At 16 he only has two years left at home. I don’t see the point of shifting gears on the extra curricular. Maybe tell him he stays at the current location until he gets his license and set up a realistic schedule for that to happen even if driver’s Ed classes cut into a rehearsal or two per week.  For summer activity, can he get a job at a camp that teaches this sport? They’re always scrambling for teen counselors. 

It’s the last push for this kid. I know you’re exhausted, but I wouldn’t disregard his wishes at this point. I’d probably agree to driving him to the new location four days per week for one year. This gives him time to get his license and puts it on him to arrange rides/transportation if he wants to attend other days. The problem solving to get rides is a skill to develop. Learning to drive is also an important skill. It really sounds like this kid also has some special needs of his own and may need a little scaffolding to make the license happen.

I wouldn’t set up the classes at the new location without also setting up the driving classes. In fact, is there any sort of driver’s ed summer session that would help fill his summer days? I live in a state where the process for teens to get licenses is lengthy. However, in the course of a summer, he can certainly knock out his classes and his required hours of driving. However, you’ll have to sit down with him and make a real schedule for it to happen. He’ll also need a real end date on the calendar where you stop being his chauffeur and it’s all on him to have us license by x date or give up the extra curricular. 
 

I’m having trouble imagining any rec level activity demanding 8 sessions per week to participate. Wanting to attend every session doesn’t necessarily mean anyone has to attend every session. If there is no space in his life for this activity past high school I can see an argument for gradually scaling back while introducing other things. How much does this activity contribute to his ability to successfully launch from home in a few years? 

[Longtime Lurker]

Speaking as the parent of a son with severe special needs, I would (and did) move heaven and earth to keep outside activities for my child without special needs. I absolutely know how difficult the logistics of rides can be, but if this activity is important to your youngest, I would try to find a way to make it work. Others have given many good suggestions.

That said, your son should take some steps to help also, such as starting the process to get his license, being willing to bike or walk to meet a ride if possible, etc. 

I will never regret the time and effort I put into making DD's activities work despite her older brother. I know how hard it is to find caregivers, but it is worth the effort. Your sons will outlive you, so this will be necessary eventually. And you will want your youngest to be willing to help oversee their care when you cannot do you anymore. 

Many hugs as I know this is a hard road.

[Ailaena]

We are somewhere with 2x/day practices but they also offer an after school program that has different hours.  We have a couple of kids that do morning and then the later practice - could he do that?

Are you sure the summer doesn’t change? our summer practices are all 4-hour morning practices during holidays and summers.  Idk, just throwing this out there 

[Terabith]

It sounds like you’re unwilling to allow him to do this activity anymore and that you really aren’t willing to entertain any brainstorming on alternative options.  It sounds like you just want people to agree with you that quitting this activity is the only option. 
 

You can do that. But he obviously needs help with his anxiety.  He needs a driver’s license.  And you are not going to be able to force him into another activity.  Also you should know there’s a REALLY good chance this will ruin your relationship with him forever.  But it sounds like you’re fine with that because he’s always going to be less important than your kids with more severe special needs.  

[SHP]

I don't see the problem with the bus. 3x as long for the bus is about average IME and is a part of life using public transportation. I encouraged mine use the time to do school work and study, though I am pretty sure most of the time was dedicated to staring at their phones/game consoles.

If he will be late to school then that will require him to be proactive with whatever class he will miss part of. He, with your support, can request a meeting with his teacher and school administration to work out the details. 

Meals? He can pack them and eat them waiting for the next bus. Again, when using public transportation for longer commutes, this isn't uncommon. Just be aware he likely cannot eat or drink on the bus.

He is not the first student athlete to juggle school and sport. He is not the only person who uses public transit and deals with a commute that is 3x or more longer than driving. 

If the time commitment for commuting is too much he will figure it out on his own and either seek out alternatives or cut back. If the school refuses to accommodate him being late, then they are the bad guy, not you. 

Make time for a school conference, buy the kid a bus pass and a lunch box and give him a big hug, or pat on the head, and send him on his way with your blessing. He is growing up, let him have this. 

[Clemsondana]

One more thought...I have no problem with my kids having to entertain themselves at an extracurricular location to make the schedule work.  If he needs to go early or stay late to catch a ride, he can pack a meal to eat or pack homework to do while he's waiting.  Many times I've dropped off a kid early or they've had to stay after practice and wait for me to get back.  Obviously you can't do this with tiny kids, but with tweens and teens, it's not at all unusual for kids to catch a ride with somebody going straight after school even though their own practice doesn't start for an hour, or have a kid need to wait for somebody else to finish before they can ride home with them.  So, if something like that lets him catch a ride, or lets a parent pick him up after the other gets home, that would be typical here.  Alternatively, time on a bus may not be time that is lost.  School work can be done on the bus.  I know that actually doing the driving is hard for you in your situation, but from his perspective this isn't all that different from the 1-3 hours my kids have spent in the car several days a week, several months each year, for most of their years of school.  One kid used the car time as breaks or meals, and the other became a master at 'car school', actually planning certain subjects to correspond with certain times in the car because the timing worked out.  Bus time could be used similarly.  And, if driving needs to be slow-rolled due to anxiety, getting rides and taking the bus could give your kid a measure of independence that could be helpful.  Again, he could decide that it's too time-consuming, but I've been fascinated to watch the maturity that has suddenly shown up in our kid once kid was independently mobile (in our case, it's with driving, but busses aren't available here).  A little autonomy has gone a long way.  

Edited April 3, 2023 by Clemsondana

[LaughingCat]

It appears to me that a lot of people answering on this thread have kids who are good at their sport, and maybe who get better at it just by attending practices.  I don't have those athletic kids - so I need to see drive and passion for the sport from my child -- enjoyment or being sad to leave the activity are not enough to move to the next level -- and definitely not enough to make the rest of the family do all sorts of contortions to make it work.

It is not always a good thing for kids to move up in sports with the extra drive needed.  There are downsides to being the worst player on the team -- such as spending a lot of time sitting out during games and being verbally attacked by teammates for mistakes made on the field.  

Moving up in sports to me means the child must have already shown me their commitment to improving and growing in the sport -- not just that they enjoy it and will miss it.  

note: can't tell from OP's posts which way her son fits on this

[teachermom2834]

Another thought just throwing out there- two years left of this seems insurmountable I know. But as someone on the flip side (and I know people hate to hear this and is sounds condescending but anyways) it is over in a blink. It just goes quickly in the scheme of things. It is forever to them in their young lives and asking him to just give it up for two years is HUGE. But asking you as an adult to make it work for two years, is relatively, not so much. I am not minimizing what you go through with your special needs kids or how challenging your situation is. I’m just reminding you how close you are to the finish line. And there really is no going back for a do over. This time in his life is really a one and only.

And for as many threads as we have about failure to launch or boomerang kids or wayward young adults…my three young adults pretty much graduated high school and were on their way. They went to college but hardly returned for their full breaks because of internships or travel or girlfriends or etc.  and did not return to the hometown after college. There is no fracture in the relationship- they just launched and moved on really quickly. So those last two years of high school were literally the end of the relationship as we knew it even though we didn’t know it at the time. 
 

Time just changes perspective. My youngest started high school this year and we took on a crazy driving and schedule commitment and really my thought was that it is only four years and it will go by in a flash. And here we are almost a year done and I wasn’t wrong. Long days short years isn’t just for the baby set.

 

Edited April 3, 2023 by teachermom2834