What do you think of this...Marriage comment

[fairfarmhand]

One spouse says to the other one "I want us to know that nothing is more important than the other person." In other words, for the husband nothing is more important than the wife and vice versa.

This sentiment makes me scratch my head and I can't figure out if I agree with it or not.

I'll leave my comments in a bit, but I want to hear you guys' comments first. 

[Grace Hopper]

More important —- I’d want an explanation of how the person who said that sees it demonstrated in day to day life. People are multifaceted. I could say about/to my dh that his emotional and physical well-being are more important to me than my next door neighbor’s. But I would count my next door neighbor’s safety and well-being as more important than my dh’s urge to, say, cut down a large tree between our homes. 
 

More important than faith? More important than my children? My first response to that (rather than simply saying yeah or nay) would be to ask specifics about what “more important” means.

 

Edited March 16, 2023 by Grace Hopper

[Janeway]

Sounds like a romantic sentiment said by a newly married person. I have also heard “we never go to bed angry” and “we tell each other everything.” Yep. 

[Not_a_Number]

I don't think it has a literal meaning but it seems like it's placing a high value on the relationship, which is good. Unless I'm missing something. 

ETA: It could be also a sign of troubling codependence. I think it really depends on the context. I don't think I can interpret it by itself. 

Edited March 16, 2023 by Not_a_Number

[Grace Hopper]

4 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

I don't think it has a literal meaning but it seems like it's placing a high value on the relationship, which is good. Unless I'm missing something. 

I’d imagine this is what the spouse means, but… you can’t be sure unless you ask, kwim? 
 

eta I guess I would want to know if there were something specific that prompted the statement. Because yes, it could be sweet and romantic. But it could also mean I expect you to be available to meet my needs whenever I need something, and not otherwise occupied with someone or something less important.

Eta 2 - fyi I am the type that overthinks things, so that probably affects my responses here

Edited March 16, 2023 by Grace Hopper

[HomeAgain]

6 minutes ago, Janeway said:

Sounds like a romantic sentiment said by a newly married person. I have also heard “we never go to bed angry” and “we tell each other everything.” Yep. 

This.

By the time you hit 20 years, you know that your relationship has a high priority, but so does a relationship with one's self.  The two balance each other and keep a person feeling whole.

Edited March 16, 2023 by HomeAgain

[Acorn]

My in-laws have a patriarchal culture. It has caused problems that I support and value my children as individual people within our family and that I do sometimes place their needs and desires on a level with the adults in the family.

[ktgrok]

11 minutes ago, HomeAgain said:

This.

By the time you hit 20 years, you know that your relationship has a high priority, but so does a relationship with one's self.  The two balance each other and keep a person feeling whole.

This. We are to serve others, but also to value our own life and well being. 

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, ktgrok said:

This. We are to serve others, but also to value our own life and well being. 

Well, and we also wind up unable to genuinely serve others if we don't value our own selves. 

[Drama Llama]

...

Edited March 27, 2023 by BandH

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

We’ve said things like this, but he also knows that if push comes to shove the kids are going to come first.  And for him I know he will place the kids well-being over mine. And that’s fine because I feel like that’s the choice we made when we chose to have kids.

My mom would say things like “My marriage is more important than you guys,” and “if I have to choose I will choose your dad.”  Why on earth she’d say those things to young kids, I have no idea, but my brother’s death and their subsequent marital issues for a few years really messed with her psyche in a lot of ways.  She doesn’t even remember saying things like that now and would be horrified at the realization. But frankly that was pretty damaging to say to your eleven and nine year old kids who were themselves trying to understand our brother’s death and the significant changes it made in our parents.  Because of that, I was really clear to DH even before marriage that kids would come first if it came to that.

I don’t mean that we don’t take time away for ourselves or things like that, but if it’s DH’s well being or my young kids, my choice is my kids.

As you can tell I’m kind of passionate about this. 

Edited March 17, 2023 by Mrs Tiggywinkle Again

[Arcadia]

Sometimes people say that when he/she has been spending lots of time with buddies and/or colleagues and very little time with spouse. 

[happi duck]

53 minutes ago, Acorn said:

My in-laws have a patriarchal culture. It has caused problems that I support and value my children as individual people within our family and that I do sometimes place their needs and desires on a level with the adults in the family.

Same...good description 

[happi duck]

I don't want one person to always be my first priority.  That said, I wish dh would sometimes prioritize me.  (I'd never expect to be his highest priority in every instance)

[Clarita]

I think it's a sentiment people think is wonderful, but whenever I say statements like these it's a giant red-flag to my husband that I'm not in a good place. When I say it it means I'm feeling like I can't live and function without him. Not necessarily codependence but a heavy does of obsession and he can't leave my side-ness. So maybe for normal people it's not that extreme. Dh can't say that to me because it just might start a spiral for me. 

[Shoeless]

I've heard this before.  My family of origin is very much of the belief that some people are more important than others.  Most relationships are adversarial and based on a scarcity mindset. 

When DS14 was born, my stepmother had all sorts of opinions about late bed times for kids.  She thought it was outrageous that I didn't put baby DS14 to bed very early.  I prioritized DS and DH seeing each other after DH got home from work.  We set our schedules around his so we could have lots of family time.  "When you kids were little, I made you go to bed early because I deserved time alone with MY husband. Not my problem if you kids didn't get to see your father every day!" 

And that's just effed up to me.  Sorry if my language offends, but it's effed up to view your kids as competition for the resources of time, companionship, and love. 

Edited March 17, 2023 by Shoeless

[Faith-manor]

It kind of strikes me as a Hallmark sentiment. Sounds all romantic and lovey dovey, but entirely impractical in real life. 

Our kids came first. We chose to bring them into this world, and children shouldn't raise themselves or each other. But, we also made a conscientious effort to spend time with each other and love each other. 

This is "marriage first" idea was super common in IBLP and other fundamentalist groups, and it was pretty damaging to a lot of kids whose parents neglected them, and made them the adults of the family while very young so they could "marriage first". Ugh.

Edited March 17, 2023 by Faith-manor
Typo

[Not_a_Number]

It's interesting. Some of these responses provoke some sort of defensive response in me. Maybe because I know I've put DH above the kids in my life in ways that weren't productive? It's true. I have. 

But I think it's also partially that I think there's unpacking to do about what it means to make someone the most important person in your life. I don't think it's actually prioritizing someone to neglect other relationships for them. Making immoral decisions for someone's sake isn't really for the other person. It's to serve your own need. 

To me, prioritizing your spouse seems like it ought to mean always being on the same team, always having their back. And always holding them accountable, too, because I think that if someone's the most important person in your life, it's even MORE important that you not stand by and watch while they do immoral things. 

Of course, this is obviously aspirational, because my own relationship hasn't been like that. But when I think about what I would want a relationship to look like in my perfect world, that's what comes up. 

[marbel]

9 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

It's interesting. Some of these responses provoke some sort of defensive response in me. Maybe because I know I've put DH above the kids in my life in ways that weren't productive? It's true. I have. 

But I think it's also partially that I think there's unpacking to do about what it means to make someone the most important person in your life. I don't think it's actually prioritizing someone to neglect other relationships for them. Making immoral decisions for someone's sake isn't really for the other person. It's to serve your own need. 

To me, prioritizing your spouse seems like it ought to mean always being on the same team, always having their back. And always holding them accountable, too, because I think that if someone's the most important person in your life, it's even MORE important that you not stand by and watch while they do immoral things. 

Of course, this is obviously aspirational, because my own relationship hasn't been like that. But when I think about what I would want a relationship to look like in my perfect world, that's what comes up. 

I agree, particularly with the bolded. 

I see it as stating that the spouses are each other's primary relationship. Most likely, spouses will be together after kids are grown and move on. I don't think it means that one spouse should/would accept the other doing something detrimental to the children or even other family members.  

[Katy]

It's a nice ideal, but we don't live in an ideal world.  In reality the only people we should love unconditionally are our children. If DH became abusive or even regularly unpleasant I seriously doubt I'd stay.  I used up all of that on my ex, who was a selfish lying cheating manipulator who was emotionally abusive and turned into an addict. At the end of the day, it's not worth being unhappy.

And if someone is threatening my kids safety or well being he's gone.

[maize]

My kids are my responsibility in ways that my husband isn't. I absolutely prioritize the needs of small, vulnerable humans over those of most adults.

Adults can be vulnerable too, and I do take that into consideration. Adults deserve care and attention.

But not at the expense of children.

[1234]

This is a weird one for me.

My mom, in her marriage to my dad, was definitely someone who said her kids came first and I don’t think it did any of us any favors - especially my parents’ marriage that ended just shy of 24 years. She decided with her next husband, that he most definitely came first and I don’t think that’s been all that great either.

Dh and I have been married for 26 years and are still going strong. He’s my family as much as dc are so it’s weird to think I’m not supposed to love him or prioritize him the same. Priorities between dh, dc, and other family just shift at times based on who has needs that are more important at that time. Sometimes I think we prioritized our dc’s needs over our own to an unhealthy extent. I might change some of that if I could go back in time.

 

[kbutton]

Vaguely unbalanced, but it depends on context. I do think it sounds like the overly pressured marriage is everything fundamentalist stuff. 

[bolt.]

I don't think it's a competition, and wording like, "xyz comes first" or "nothing is more important than abc" -- always makes me fall into logic and flow charts and 'what about' kinds of thinking that aren't really relevant or realistic.

A lot of people are important to me. Plus, I matter to myself, and I am also a person of faith who considers God an important 'person'. In real life, I've rarely had to rank the relative importance of my spouse, my kids, my values, my favorite deity, my other family members, and my wider circle. It mostly works out fine that all of those are important to me, and in any given moment I don't struggle to figure out what I need to do. It's not usually based on a strict prioritization 'how important' each one is.

Edited March 17, 2023 by bolt.

[Carrie12345]

There’s a lot of defining needed in there, because it’s open to everything from romanticism to abuse. Hopefully it leans toward the first one!

Is my husband the most important person in my life? In many ways, yes. But what does that mean in practice? If my friend is going through a rough time and Dh is not, I’m going to go help my friend. If my child needs new sized clothes but Dh wants an expensive gun thing, I’m going to insist on the clothes. If Dh is used to me cooking and cleaning all the time but I want to go to school full time, well, I’m in school.

But, if my family or friends are disrespectful of Dh, they can go pound sand. He is my primary relationship. Even when the kids need to vent (as they do to him about me), there is a line.

[marbel]

9 hours ago, Katy said:

It's a nice ideal, but we don't live in an ideal world.  In reality the only people we should love unconditionally are our children. If DH became abusive or even regularly unpleasant I seriously doubt I'd stay.  I used up all of that on my ex, who was a selfish lying cheating manipulator who was emotionally abusive and turned into an addict. At the end of the day, it's not worth being unhappy.

And if someone is threatening my kids safety or well being he's gone.

I agree with you. And I'm sorry what you went through with your ex. But, if one person becomes abusive, etc., then they are clearly not fulfilling their part of the "agreement;" they have voided it with their actions.  A spouse who cheats, abuses the other, etc, is clearly not treating their spouse as the most important person. I think same with mistreatment of children. If my husband considers me his most important person, he's going to love and care for my children, whether are not they are his own as well. He's not going to hurt me by hurting my children.

 

[Soror]

It comes off as controlling to me.

No, just no.

 

[Katy]

1 hour ago, marbel said:

I agree with you. And I'm sorry what you went through with your ex. But, if one person becomes abusive, etc., then they are clearly not fulfilling their part of the "agreement;" they have voided it with their actions.  A spouse who cheats, abuses the other, etc, is clearly not treating their spouse as the most important person. I think same with mistreatment of children. If my husband considers me his most important person, he's going to love and care for my children, whether are not they are his own as well. He's not going to hurt me by hurting my children.

 

But the way this typically plays out IME is in fundamentalist families who use religious manipulation to control women. God first, then spouse, then kids. If the husband isn’t behaving the way he should it must be because the mom prioritizes the kids over the husband, ie: it’s her fault he cheated. He wasn’t getting the attention he needed. He wasn’t getting the respect he needed. Never mind his raging porn addiction or the fifteen other ways he regularly undermines the family. The only reason for a declaration like this in the first place is to make sure she feels an obligation. 

[Scarlett]

10 hours ago, Joker2 said:

This is a weird one for me.

My mom, in her marriage to my dad, was definitely someone who said her kids came first and I don’t think it did any of us any favors - especially my parents’ marriage that ended just shy of 24 years. She decided with her next husband, that he most definitely came first and I don’t think that’s been all that great either.

Dh and I have been married for 26 years and are still going strong. He’s my family as much as dc are so it’s weird to think I’m not supposed to love him or prioritize him the same. Priorities between dh, dc, and other family just shift at times based on who has needs that are more important at that time. Sometimes I think we prioritized our dc’s needs over our own to an unhealthy extent. I might change some of that if I could go back in time.

 

 

10 hours ago, kbutton said:

Vaguely unbalanced, but it depends on context. I do think it sounds like the overly pressured marriage is everything fundamentalist stuff. 

Yes I think it comes down to balance. 
 

I think some women and men really struggle with knowing how to prioritize relationships in their lives.  

[Farrar]

I'm another that this rubs the wrong way. And something about the phrasing seems to imply control to me. Spouse A is saying I feel this, you must too. And it's branded in a way where if you argue against it, you're arguing against something that sounds good. It's like when a political party brands a piece of legislation the "Save Cute Puppies" bill. It's like, I have some problems with the specifics of this... but then the sponsors of the legislation can bemoan, "She doesn't want to save the cute puppies! She's a monster!" This is the same way. It feels a bit like a trap.

That said, I feel like lots of people engage in emotional and relationship hyperbole so while my first thought goes to an unhealthy relationship, I don't actually think it's necessarily like that. When my kids were little, there was a song that was like, "I do my best every day!" and dh and I were like, gah, kids, don't feel like you have to do your best absolutely every day. That sounds exhausting. And my mother overheard us and got sort of upset. But I was like, I get that it's hyperbole, but there's nothing wrong with being more modest and realistic. That's here too. The "most" important is unachievable in all situations. Realistic people recognize that.

[kbutton]

2 hours ago, Katy said:

God first, then spouse, then kids. If the husband isn’t behaving the way he should it must be because the mom prioritizes the kids over the husband, ie: it’s her fault he cheated. He wasn’t getting the attention he needed. He wasn’t getting the respect he needed. Never mind his raging porn addiction or the fifteen other ways he regularly undermines the family. The only reason for a declaration like this in the first place is to make sure she feels an obligation. 

This is what I was looking for.

I took out the controlling part because while that happens for sure, there is a very wide swathe of people who aren't controlling and abusive that this "works" for who trust that if it stopped working for them, they would get good counsel in their social and religious circles. But life experience tells me that wise counsel is hit and miss and too chained to how things are *supposed* to work.

[sassenach]

17 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

One spouse says to the other one "I want us to know that nothing is more important than the other person." In other words, for the husband nothing is more important than the wife and vice versa.

This sentiment makes me scratch my head and I can't figure out if I agree with it or not.

I'll leave my comments in a bit, but I want to hear you guys' comments first. 

I mostly feel ok about this statement but I'm also in a healthy relationship. As a couple who has recently launched all of our kids, I can say that in the end, those kids go do their thing. It's dh and I here- this is absolutely my most primary relationship. I can probably say that with freedom because it's not like he's ever pitted himself against the kids, which I know some immature men do to their partners. 

[Murphy101]

Sounds like a vague actually meaningless but sounds so sweet sentiment.

I think a better statement would be to remember that in bonded relationship you sink or swim together.

There was room for Jack next to Rose. Nothing was more important than her to him.  Their relationship was crap from start to end, but sure, nothing was more important than her to him.

 

[Melissa Louise]

The most damaging thing my non-abusive parent ever said to me was that their spouse (my abusive parent) would always come first.

Imagine that, when you hear the parent who doesn't hit you and fly into rages at you and tell you what a failed piece of human garbage you are - the one who might do something about all this - say, nope, kiddo, she comes first with me and always will.

For that reason, I have a very strong and negative reaction to the idea - not so much holding the belief that spouse comes first - but definitely ever communicating that to children, either explicitly or through choices/behaviors.

I suspect that the healthy attitude is one that doesn't need to put anyone first or last, that is flexible, and that communicates everyone sometimes comes first, according to need or circumstance, and that everyone sometimes has to wait.

Always putting kids first is not that brilliant either, and doesn't lead to the great outcomes you hope it might.

Nevertheless, due to personal history, I am chronically kids first. I feel that in  marriage where the marriage partners are committed to putting each other first all the time, no matter what - they may be best suited to not having children.

 

 

 

Edited March 17, 2023 by Melissa Louise

[Guest]

I think this changes with the season of life too. When my kids were little, I prioritized them over most everything else. I’m sure that idea isn’t rare on a homeschooling board. 
 

To be frank, I currently mostly prioritize…me. I don’t mean that in an unkind or inconsiderate way, but truthfully, I can’t bend over backwards for other people as much now and all the people I used to do that for are now grown-assed adults, so….🤷🏻‍♀️

[Garga]

I’d love to know the context that the OP heard this in. Doe-eyed young couple in love with no real responsibilities? Controlling man to his wife because he’s jealous of the baby? Needy wife to an absent husband? Retired couple who have health issues and take care of each other?

For me, it shifts. The younger the kids were, the more of a priority they were. If my husband is going through a tough time, he becomes more of a priority, etc.

And like Quill said, I’m sort of thinking that I’ll be the #1 priority in my life once the kids get launched with DH as a close second. But I’ll have his back if he needs something