My parents are selling their home and buying a camper and I can't be supportive of this, help....

[Ann.without.an.e]

See, I would be ok with them trying it but they need to wait to sell the house. That is the part that bothers me. 

[Tap]

Is there a financial advisor, mentor, or senior member of their church who may be able to give them some advice? I don't think anyone is going to really 100% support this idea, and hearing about it from someone they respect, may give them a reason to pause and rethink it. Do they have a friend you can reach out to and ask them for help? 

[Tap]

2 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

See, I would be ok with them trying it but they need to wait to sell the house. That is the part that bothers me. 

Exactly!!!!! Especially with what is happening with interest rates right now. Rebuying what someone already has, assuming they will go backwards in equity (since they will use it to buy the truck/camper)  with current rates can easily double someone's mortgage. 

[Tap]

Another thing for them to consider....The actual driving of the truck/trailer combo! 

My x-inlaws traveled a lot!! They hauled a trailer and did fine with it for the most part. But then my x-mil got to where she would only drive on the straight stretches of road and, then she refused to drive through cities. They wouldn't drive after sunset. Then they had to plan travel around weather patterns (trailers can be hard to tow in poor weather) so they couldn't just go when they wanted to go.  Backing in large trailers into campground spots can be a pain, and quite difficult for some people. As people age, this will become more and more problematic! 

 

[Ann.without.an.e]

ok so update....we may be making progress here, y'all. 

This was really weighing on me since they were all in, sold on it, its all they've talked about non stop. They went all the way to Tennessee (like a 5 hour drive) to see a camper yesterday. I reached out to my mom to see what they decided?  She said it was a no-go and said "I don't know, we could afford a lot of hotel rooms with the cost of a camper?" Which I then jumped in with all sorts of thoughts on that lol. Her concern was that they've never been allowed to travel with their dog (my dad says no) and my mom hates to leave him behind. He made a comment about how maybe they could start just taking him to hotels with them after all? I was encouraging her to look into a Hilton Rewards card since they are a dog friendly chain, etc. So, fingers crossed, maybe they are starting to engage their brains?

Edited January 12, 2023 by Ann.without.an.e

[scholastica]

So what I’m getting is your dad wants to travel, but your mom doesn’t want to leave the dog. The question I’m left with is how does your dad plan to pay for these travels with no income, no social security and no retirement savings? How does he suppose they will live in retirement? Is your mom going to receive a massive pension or something?

[Scarlett]

9 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

ok so update....we may be making progress here, y'all. 

This was really weighing on me since they were all in, sold on it, its all they've talked about non stop. They went all the way to Tennessee (like a 5 hour drive) to see a camper yesterday. I reached out to my mom to see what they decided?  She said it was a no-go and said "I don't know, we could afford a lot of hotel rooms with the cost of a camper?" Which I then jumped in with all sorts of thoughts on that lol. Her concern was that they've never been allowed to travel with their dog (my dad says no) and my mom hates to leave him behind. He made a comment about how maybe they could start just taking him to hotels with them after all? I was encouraging her to look into a Hilton Rewards card since they are a dog friendly chain, etc. So, fingers crossed, maybe they are starting to engage their brains?

That is great news. Just to give you a little info on my sister’s in laws situation.  I will try to keep it brief because it is a long story even though it played out in less than a year.  
 

They were older than your parents. 75 is I think.  They told their kids (my sisters husband and his single sister) that they were selling their house, buying a 200k motor home and going to live on the road most of the year.  They gave away all of their furniture/artwork etc to their two kids.  They asked (and my sister and her husband agreed) if they could park in their driveway a few times a year when they came back to Houston area. And further ( also agreed to by my sister and her husband) that in a few years when they got too old to travel they would build a small house in my sister’s back yard.   (1200 sf or so.  NOT that small for the back yard even though they have two acres)

So they traveled for about 9 months. Well, more like camped out at a place about 4 hours from Houston….not sure how much traveling they did.  Then they  drive back to Houston for a check up for the FIL.  The slow growing cancer that he KNEW he had before selling his house now needed treatment.  Treatment went really badly and he died with in about three months.  During which time the gigantic motor home sat in my sisters driveway and the in-laws were inside the house. Oh but before he died,  the house in the back yard plan was put in to full force and a lot of energy was spent on that……I hate to say it but thankfully he died before construction started and suddenly MIL did not want to do that anymore.  So in about a month after he died she found a nice apartment in her daughters complex and moved there. Motor home was taken back to the dealer to be sold.  
 

It was a nightmare for everyone but I heard it from my sisters POV and although she loves her in-laws she discovered very quickly she did not want them in her house.  And apparently the MIL really never wanted to do it and just went along and so she had a lot of resentment when he died and she felt alone and homeless.

The end. 

 

[Scarlett]

Oh p.s.  After she sold the motor home and moved into the apartment she asked for all the stuff back that they had given away. Also I forgot that she has two kids and he has one…..his daughter would not give back the stuff she had been given.  

[Ann.without.an.e]

15 minutes ago, scholastica said:

So what I’m getting is your dad wants to travel, but your mom doesn’t want to leave the dog. The question I’m left with is how does your dad plan to pay for these travels with no income, no social security and no retirement savings? How does he suppose they will live in retirement? Is your mom going to receive a massive pension or something?

I haven't a clue and I try not to ask too many questions. He has been down and depressed for a while and I think he thinks that this big change and getting away from it all will change that but I don't think it will? 

My mom vented on me that she will eventually end up back at work. I guess when I was little he would decide he wanted her to quit and stay home so she would quit her job and stay home and a month or so later finances were too tight and she would have to find a new job. After this happened a few times she just refused to leave her job. She would say no. So all my life I thought my mom just wanted to work outside the home but really she didn't? 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

It sounds like there is really a lot more going on here than just deciding to sell everything and travel. 
If they want to stay at campgrounds or travel with a dog, I’ve stayed in many campground cabins with my dogs.

[Lecka]

La Quinta has a good reputation for pets. 

[Pawz4me]

It's not hard at all to travel with pets now. So many hotels and AirBnBs are very pet friendly.

[cintinative]

Agree on LaQuinta. That is where we stay with our dog when we travel.

Also agree with Mrs. Tigglywinkle, I think there is a lot more going on here than is being said.

Does your father's church have elders? Does he have any close friends that he confides in? I think he needs to sit down with someone and think this all out. It's like a Ready-Fire-Aim approach to retirement. 

[fairfarmhand]

1 hour ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

I haven't a clue and I try not to ask too many questions. He has been down and depressed for a while and I think he thinks that this big change and getting away from it all will change that but I don't think it will? 

My mom vented on me that she will eventually end up back at work. I guess when I was little he would decide he wanted her to quit and stay home so she would quit her job and stay home and a month or so later finances were too tight and she would have to find a new job. After this happened a few times she just refused to leave her job. She would say no. So all my life I thought my mom just wanted to work outside the home but really she didn't? 

It really sounds like this is more about his inability to find a sense of purpose at his age. 

Being a preacher/pastor is hard, and being the wife of one is probably even more difficult.

[Bootsie]

Will your mom qualify for Social Security based on her work?

[Corraleno]

Another vote for La Quinta. When I was in the process of moving from my previous state, I made 5 or 6 road trips (~1400 miles each trip) with 2 kids and 2 dogs and I always stayed at a La Quinta, because they're super pet friendly — they even had dog biscuits in a jar on the reception desk, and there were places to walk the dogs and bins for waste bags.

Edited January 12, 2023 by Corraleno

[Carol in Cal.]

I’ve noticed that a lot of people around that age have this kind of ‘magical thinking’ that they should retire, because that’s what you do at that age, whether they are really financially able to do so or not.  It can be pretty dangerous financially, of course.  But if they have never really thought about what it takes to retire, they might vaguely assume that it’s somehow possible, because that’s what their parents did; never mind that their parents had savings, social security, and pensions to help them out.

[marbel]

1 hour ago, cintinative said:

Does your father's church have elders?

Following on... if so, do you have any connection to the church/elders?  This is the kind of thing elders are supposed to help families with. When my husband was an elder he was involved in several family situations, where a family member contacted the church with concerns. But I understand that that's not always feasible, for example if you have no connection and/or have reason not to trust that they would be helpful (which I am sad to say I know can be the case). 

[alisoncooks]

They’re still quite young. He could go back to work for a decade so that he could get the credits to qualify for social security. They’d also have the money to do some weekend traveling. And he’d have some purpose to his days, if that’s what’s missing. 🤷‍♀️

[Ann.without.an.e]

2 hours ago, Bootsie said:

Will your mom qualify for Social Security based on her work?

I assume so?

 

 

[Ann.without.an.e]

2 hours ago, cintinative said:

 

Does your father's church have elders? Does he have any close friends that he confides in? I think he needs to sit down with someone and think this all out. It's like a Ready-Fire-Aim approach to retirement. 

 

1 hour ago, marbel said:

Following on... if so, do you have any connection to the church/elders?  This is the kind of thing elders are supposed to help families with. When my husband was an elder he was involved in several family situations, where a family member contacted the church with concerns. But I understand that that's not always feasible, for example if you have no connection and/or have reason not to trust that they would be helpful (which I am sad to say I know can be the case). 

 

I do not think they really have elders anymore? Also I don't know who his close friends may be? The church has whittled down to a pretty small size over the years (he's pastored there for 20 years). It is barely existing to be honest. 

[katilac]

4 hours ago, Grace Hopper said:

There really is a lot of social media out there glamorizing “vanlife.” 

I mean, yes, there is, but isn't it mostly young people? I could do a lot of things in my 20s that I wouldn't attempt now 😂

3 hours ago, scholastica said:

The question I’m left with is how does your dad plan to pay for these travels with no income, no social security and no retirement savings? How does he suppose they will live in retirement? Is your mom going to receive a massive pension or something?

As long as they don't sell the house, these are manageable problems and disappointments.

Hopefully, her mom does not quit her job just yet, particularly if it's a decent one, but, if they have to go and get new jobs in their mid 60s, then so be it. They will at least have a place to live. 

2 hours ago, Bootsie said:

Will your mom qualify for Social Security based on her work?

It sounds like she will. You only need 40 credits, and even now you can earn 4 per year earning less than $7k. If her mom worked on and off for a long time, and then at some point stayed working, it's likely she has 40 or more credits. 

It might be the minimum, but she should get it, and then her husband can get half her amount as a spousal benefit. But she really needs to not collect until full retirement age, or they will take a large and permanent hit to their benefits. 

@Ann.without.an.e, your mom should be getting Social Security statements every year, about 3 months before her birthday, that estimate her SS benefits.  She can also create a "my social security" account that lets her look at it at any time. 

Perhaps feign enthusiasm for traveling whilst keeping the house: Oh, fun! Let's make some plans. Where do you want to go first? Okay, if you go to the Grand Canyon next year, that leaves you with Diddly-squat remaining from Social Security and Savings. Oh, dear . . . 

I am continually surprised at people who are obliviously optimistic about what they can afford, when all you have to do is some simple math. 

Remind your mom that your dad cannot force her to quit her job, and he can't force her to sell the house (assuming she's on the deed). Try to sell the idea of taking a year to preview options before any big decisions are made. Preferably before your dad quits his job, but that might be asking too much. 

None of this is your responsibility, but I get that your life will be easier if they don't make stupid decisions. 

[marbel]

40 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

 

 

I do not think they really have elders anymore? Also I don't know who his close friends may be? The church has whittled down to a pretty small size over the years (he's pastored there for 20 years). It is barely existing to be honest. 

Ugh, that sounds like a bad situation.  I'm sorry there is no outside support for you. As others have said, none of this is your responsibility but it certainly affects you! Hugs to you as you navigate this. 

[WildflowerMom]

Anne, I wonder if your parents are trying to escape the situation with your siblings?   Maybe they see the RV, hotel travel, selling the house as a way to cut-and-run?    
if that's the case, there's zero reason for you to pick up where they leave off.    I know it's easier said than done, but if sibs (or parents) try to take up residence on your property, "no" is all you need to say.   You don't have to explain yourself or reason with anyone or try to problem solve for them.    
hugs 💛

[KungFuPanda]

5 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

ok so update....we may be making progress here, y'all. 

This was really weighing on me since they were all in, sold on it, its all they've talked about non stop. They went all the way to Tennessee (like a 5 hour drive) to see a camper yesterday. I reached out to my mom to see what they decided?  She said it was a no-go and said "I don't know, we could afford a lot of hotel rooms with the cost of a camper?" Which I then jumped in with all sorts of thoughts on that lol. Her concern was that they've never been allowed to travel with their dog (my dad says no) and my mom hates to leave him behind. He made a comment about how maybe they could start just taking him to hotels with them after all? I was encouraging her to look into a Hilton Rewards card since they are a dog friendly chain, etc. So, fingers crossed, maybe they are starting to engage their brains?

OMG, YES . . . progress!!!  They can even sort for pet friendly accommodations on places like VRBO.  I'm relieved for you.

[lmrich]

Could they rent their house out while traveling and staying in hotels? 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

2 hours ago, WildflowerMom said:

Anne, I wonder if your parents are trying to escape the situation with your siblings?   Maybe they see the RV, hotel travel, selling the house as a way to cut-and-run?    
if that's the case, there's zero reason for you to pick up where they leave off.    I know it's easier said than done, but if sibs (or parents) try to take up residence on your property, "no" is all you need to say.   You don't have to explain yourself or reason with anyone or try to problem solve for them.    
hugs 💛

This is true, but it’s not so easy if they just show up.

[Spryte]

Just a random idea: didn’t someone here recently post about a site that connects house/pet sitters and travelers? I wonder if your parents could take along their dog while they pet sit at someone’s home? Might be against the rules, but worth a look.

Lots of hotels and AirBnBs take pets, so I think there’s more going on here. Sounds like someone is looking for an escape? If he’s down and depressed — maybe encourage some therapy? Or meds? 

[SHP]

I think maybe this video might foreshadow 

 

 

 

 

[MagistraKennedy]

On 1/11/2023 at 12:27 PM, happi duck said:

Many (hugs)

I was pushed into the safety net role and had to set clear, firm boundaries.  My relationships survived and that particular stress was lowered.

For your sake I hope you can set that boundary clearly today.

I suggest not trying to sugarcoat it with reasons.  "I am not your safety net and you can not park here or live here."

I'm beginning to think we need a whole separate post about tips for those of us who are beginning to smell a rat in the safety net role. My mother moved 5 minutes away from me, and I am FURIOUS over it. My husband couldn't understand why I was upset. I don't plan to help, as I'm not responsible for her crappy financial decisions all of her life. 

@Ann.without.an.e , I agree with other friends here that firm boundaries and swiftly is key. I'd say my piece, make it clear, and move on. I wouldn't bring it up again once you've made the line in the sand.  This is such a tough spot to be in. 

[Janeway]

Stop taking care of everyone and do not help them at all. Once they have to do things 100% on their own, their decisions might change. But, most of all, you will feel less stress and less invested in this. It just won't be your problem anymore.

[Arcadia]

1 hour ago, MagistraKennedy said:

I'm beginning to think we need a whole separate post about tips for those of us who are beginning to smell a rat in the safety net role. My mother moved 5 minutes away from me, and I am FURIOUS over it. My husband couldn't understand why I was upset. I don't plan to help, as I'm not responsible for her crappy financial decisions all of her life. 

Your husband would understand in time.  It is not just finance. They also expect chauffeuring to medical appointments, helping with groceries, and what have you.

My in-laws favorites are his siblings so they only ask him for help. When we bought our first home, he was happy to live as far from his parents as possible. Still his parents would drop by unannounced on weekend mornings and wake him up to help them. That was a big push factor to relocate to the states. Harder to just drop by when they aren’t willing to pay airfare. 
My parents are the opposite. They don’t want to trouble us and they want to leave as large an inheritance as possible so that we (my brother and I) can help our children. The only favor they asked for is that I am the executor and trustee for their wills and be in charge of my dad’s funeral when the time comes (my mom has passed). That’s because my only sibling finds legal stuff and organizing stuff very hard. 

[shawthorne44]

One idea for a suggestion that you could give to them.   

I read about a woman that travelled the world living in apartments one-lease at a time.  When I read the article she was in Rome with a 6 month lease.  So it didn't cost *that* much more than living in an apartment and taking a yearly distant vacation.   She did have a large storage unit to keep most of her stuff.  

If their purpose was to force your siblings out of the nest, or if the purpose was to travel cheaply (in their minds), then that would fit the bill in either case.