Prayers for dh’s family please

[Kassia]

2 hours ago, saraha said:

@Carol in Cal. @fraidycat thanks. Anymore I don’t trust my own judgement. With my in-laws or my mom. I appreciate the affirmation that I’m not just being difficult 

I know it's hard but you are definitely not being difficult.  ❤️ 

[math teacher]

Continue to hold your boundaries. You are not being difficult. They are being difficult!!

[QueenCat]

8 hours ago, saraha said:

I mean, she thinks they can all handle it, and I’m afraid she is expecting me to contribute, so if they can all handle it, then handle it. He doesn’t think they need help, so do it on your own. I’m just aggravated. I know I come across as my way or the highway, but I don’t really feel like enabling them. I absolutely could change my lunch plans with my friend tomorrow but since dh didn’t ask me to and he has to work, I guess fil will just have to take his own break at lunch. She will be fine for an hour or two. I feel like an impetuous child but blah, I’m just over it

 

Stand your ground. There is a reason you backed off. It's healthier for you.

[scholastica]

8 hours ago, saraha said:

@Carol in Cal. @fraidycat thanks. Anymore I don’t trust my own judgement. With my in-laws or my mom. I appreciate the affirmation that I’m not just being difficult 

You are not, but they will try to make you feel like you are. That’s how they will try to manipulate you into doing what they want. 

[saraha]

Got a group text from sil saying someone needs to go over and sit with mil tomorrow evening and oh by the way, they are releasing mil Friday but her dd is having her wisdom teeth out that day so she will be (understandably) busy. Oh and someone needs to go over and move their bedroom downstairs and her dh is going to put up a gate at the stairs. 
That is it. No extra plans for more help, no changes, just going back to exactly how things were, except blocking off the stairs. No accommodations for fil not being all together capable, nothing. 
 

I am sad.

[Starr]

I wouldn't be responsible for likely doing this the wrong way in her eyes. I wish you the best as this goes on.

[Carol in Cal.]

38 minutes ago, saraha said:

Got a group text from sil saying someone needs to go over and sit with mil tomorrow evening and oh by the way, they are releasing mil Friday but her dd is having her wisdom teeth out that day so she will be (understandably) busy. Oh and someone needs to go over and move their bedroom downstairs and her dh is going to put up a gate at the stairs. 
That is it. No extra plans for more help, no changes, just going back to exactly how things were, except blocking off the stairs. No accommodations for fil not being all together capable, nothing. 
 

I am sad.

Good gosh.

[Jean in Newcastle]

1 hour ago, saraha said:

Got a group text from sil saying someone needs to go over and sit with mil tomorrow evening and oh by the way, they are releasing mil Friday but her dd is having her wisdom teeth out that day so she will be (understandably) busy. Oh and someone needs to go over and move their bedroom downstairs and her dh is going to put up a gate at the stairs. 
That is it. No extra plans for more help, no changes, just going back to exactly how things were, except blocking off the stairs. No accommodations for fil not being all together capable, nothing. 
 

I am sad.

If someone (other than you) steps up, then fine.  If not, then it's good for SIL to see what people are willing to do right from the start.  She can hire someone to move the bedroom etc.   She won't see that more help is needed, that more changes are needed, unless she sees it up close and personal. 

It is sad.  As your MIL said in a moment of lucidity, they should have done things differently. 

[mlktwins]

1 hour ago, saraha said:

Got a group text from sil saying someone needs to go over and sit with mil tomorrow evening and oh by the way, they are releasing mil Friday but her dd is having her wisdom teeth out that day so she will be (understandably) busy. Oh and someone needs to go over and move their bedroom downstairs and her dh is going to put up a gate at the stairs. 
That is it. No extra plans for more help, no changes, just going back to exactly how things were, except blocking off the stairs. No accommodations for fil not being all together capable, nothing. 
 

I am sad.

You are sad and NOT AVAILABLE!!!! Stick to your guns!!! I know it's super hard, but stick to your guns! You are screwed if you do and screwed if you don't. Might as well preserve some of your sanity and choose the don't!!!

You have your own family, whom you homeschool, and priorities as well. But...I speak as someone who has issues with all the time I've lost with my boys the past 4 years (who are both going off to college next year) caring for my elderly who didn't make good decisions and have been very difficult to deal with 😝!

I'm going to be honest though, with the choices they are making, I don't think she will be here much longer.

[mlktwins]

Do they have things like a higher toilet seat installed and maybe bars on either side of the toilet to help her sit down and get up? Do they have safety rails in the shower? Can she step over the tub or shower lip to get into the shower safely? Maybe an alarm on her side of the bed to alert if she gets up. I don't know...there is so much that can go wrong with this situation - even if the stairs are blocked.

[Tiberia]

I'm so sorry for you and for your husband and for your mil/fil. 

But, you must hold to your boundaries. Be firm. Never commit to a pressure situation. At most, say "I'll let you know if I'm available" and then let them know later that you're not available. You aren't creating the mess that is going to happen, but you can refuse to be party to it.

I'm glad you're not letting your children go "sit" with grandma, because that's code for full on home care if something happens or grandma gets out of bed.

Offer very limited and specific help, and only if it completely fits into your established boundaries. 

I don't think SIL is a bad person, I just think she's in denial and believes something good is going to happen if we can just get MIL home. 

Hold firm to your boundaries and encourage your dh to do the same, even though he's under a different pressure. 

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[fairfarmhand]

So um. Is mil able to get up and go to the bathroom unassisted right now? Are caregivers willing to help with this? Because IME the inability to toilet alone changes things for many caregivers. It's not as hard to find one who will sit with the elderly, even dementia people. But having to assist in bathroom and do diaper changes makes it much much more difficult. Most aids who do these things demand higher pay (and they should)

[Grace Hopper]

1 minute ago, fairfarmhand said:

So um. Is mil able to get up and go to the bathroom unassisted right now? Are caregivers willing to help with this? Because IME the inability to toilet alone changes things for many caregivers. It's not as hard to find one who will sit with the elderly, even dementia people. But having to assist in bathroom and do diaper changes makes it much much more difficult. Most aids who do these things demand higher pay (and they should)

Especially with the C-diff history. 

[fairfarmhand]

Also, the nurses at the hospital may not ask or tell you that she needs assistance. They may assume the family is watching and realizes that they will have to step up.

When my mom was in the hospital, I was there sitting with her, and the nurse started talking to me and saying "When she goes home and you need to change her, this is the most comfortable way of doing it...." and I had to interrupt and say " I don't live locally, I will not be providing care for her." 

 

[saraha]

30 minutes ago, mlktwins said:

Do they have things like a higher toilet seat installed and maybe bars on either side of the toilet to help her sit down and get up? Do they have safety rails in the shower? Can she step over the tub or shower lip to get into the shower safely? Maybe an alarm on her side of the bed to alert if she gets up. I don't know...there is so much that can go wrong with this situation - even if the stairs are blocked.

She does have a thing that fits over the existing toilet that has handles she used after covid and a walk in shower down stairs. I don’t know what else. I’m not on the texts that actually talk about anything, I just get the texts saying hey somebody needs to do xyz . Dh hasn’t updated me in several days, but im not sure why. He probably doesn’t want to hear me get upset.

I had lunch with my friend/Tuesday lady yesterday and we talked about the cdiff and she is not willing to deal with that as she sits with two other elderly people during the week. She is an elder sitter, not trained in anything medical. I feel bad for her in some ways as her son is married to sil’s dd, so if/when she decides she can’t handle it anymore, it will be a tough conversation. Dh told her not to take the job so 🤷🏼‍♀️

[fairfarmhand]

4 minutes ago, saraha said:

She does have a thing that fits over the existing toilet that has handles she used after covid and a walk in shower down stairs. I don’t know what else. I’m not on the texts that actually talk about anything, I just get the texts saying hey somebody needs to do xyz . Dh hasn’t updated me in several days, but im not sure why. He probably doesn’t want to hear me get upset.

I had lunch with my friend/Tuesday lady yesterday and we talked about the cdiff and she is not willing to deal with that as she sits with two other elderly people during the week. She is an elder sitter, not trained in anything medical. I feel bad for her in some ways as her son is married to sil’s dd, so if/when she decides she can’t handle it anymore, it will be a tough conversation. Dh told her not to take the job so 🤷🏼‍♀️

It is totally fair for her not to want to deal with cdiff because of her other clients. She needs to tell SIL sooner rather than later though. And if SIL is unkind to her, SIL is being unreasonable. 

[Catwoman]

2 hours ago, saraha said:

Got a group text from sil saying someone needs to go over and sit with mil tomorrow evening and oh by the way, they are releasing mil Friday but her dd is having her wisdom teeth out that day so she will be (understandably) busy. Oh and someone needs to go over and move their bedroom downstairs and her dh is going to put up a gate at the stairs. 
That is it. No extra plans for more help, no changes, just going back to exactly how things were, except blocking off the stairs. No accommodations for fil not being all together capable, nothing. 
 

I am sad.

Don’t be sad — be unavailable. 

You have done a great job of not getting sucked in to the drama, so  really keep a close eye on your emotions here. Feeling sad can lead to feeling guilty, and feeling guilty can lead to you being taken advantage of again. 

And honestly, with the c-diff situation, your dh would be wise to keep his distance as well.

Your MIL’s only hope is if your SIL gets stuck with all of the burden and can’t deal with it. Tremendously inconveniencing your SIL may be the only way your MIL might ever have a chance at being admitted to a care facility. Your in-laws are deluding themselves into thinking they can take care of her. If you and your dh help them, they will never face reality. 

I’m so sorry, Sarah. 😞 

[Spryte]

I’m so sorry. Mostly, just want to echo everyone else here, and tell you to stay strong.

Be unavailable to participate in this — not because you are uncaring but because all of this (waves hands around wildly) is beyond a regular person’s capabilities. It’s certainly beyond FIL’s, and I am deeply sympathetic to the mess that he and MIL may find themselves in, but you can’t fix it. This is not “sitting” with an elder at this point, it’s full on caregiving that requires a certain skill set.

And don’t hate me for saying this again, I’ll just whisper it quietly… Florastor. Grab a bottle, and make that part of the routine. C Diff has such a high recurrence rate. Florastor will give just a tiny bit of protection, just in case.

[saraha]

Dh just texted me saying 

You know, mom isn’t discharged yet. The doctor might order some therapies or something before Friday. If he orders something then they will do it I’m sure. As long as he isn’t ordering her into a home. Better than nothing and doesn’t help dad at night but 🤷

[Starr]

When push comes to shove it comes fast in the hospital. Be ready to say no or offer to take the kid to the dentist for her. lol

[QueenCat]

1 hour ago, Catwoman said:

Don’t be sad — be unavailable. 

You have done a great job of not getting sucked in to the drama, so  really keep a close eye on your emotions here. Feeling sad can lead to feeling guilty, and feeling guilty can lead to you being taken advantage of again. 

And honestly, with the c-diff situation, your dh would be wise to keep his distance as well.

Your MIL’s only hope is if your SIL gets stuck with all of the burden and can’t deal with it. Tremendously inconveniencing your SIL may be the only way your MIL might ever have a chance at being admitted to a care facility. Your in-laws are deluding themselves into thinking they can take care of her. If you and your dh help them, they will never face reality. 

I’m so sorry, Sarah. 😞 

This... all of this is on point.

[Faith-manor]

2 hours ago, mlktwins said:

You are sad and NOT AVAILABLE!!!! Stick to your guns!!! I know it's super hard, but stick to your guns! You are screwed if you do and screwed if you don't. Might as well preserve some of your sanity and choose the don't!!!

You have your own family, whom you homeschool, and priorities as well. But...I speak as someone who has issues with all the time I've lost with my boys the past 4 years (who are both going off to college next year) caring for my elderly who didn't make good decisions and have been very difficult to deal with 😝!

I'm going to be honest though, with the choices they are making, I don't think she will be here much longer.

I agree 100%. All three of my sons suffered terribly while I was guilted into caring for my father who was dying of cancer and a mother with major issues at that time while my brother and sister sat on the sidelines. I never recovered. My kids are wonderful and have forgiven me the horror show our lives were at that time, and our relationships are great now, but I will NEVER recommend anyone with children still at home do it. Stick to your boundaries. Do not relent.

I also cannot imagine she will last much longer under the present conditions and plans.

Also be prepared for permanent fracture of the family. This was not a breach of relationship with my brother, who was egregiously awful to me the whole time I had sole responsibility though he lived two blocks away, that is emotionally safe for me to now consider making an effort to mend. Make peace with it. You cannot control other people, and you shouldn't take emotional and mental energy away from your marriage and children over it. 

[saraha]

I was thinking about some posters who talked about siblings that didn’t help and felt negative towards them in sharing here. I guess that could be our fate, the villains in someone else’s story

ETA: I hope this didn’t come across insulting. I didn’t mean any specific person or situations, I was just thinking about my situation in relation to stories people shared. That I am appropriately setting boundaries, but to others it will look like “we’ll they didn’t lift a finger” not knowing what all we tried to do

Edited December 13, 2022 by saraha

[Bambam]

11 minutes ago, saraha said:

I was thinking about some posters who talked about siblings that didn’t help and felt negative towards them in sharing here. I guess that could be our fate, the villains in someone else’s story

There are two sides to every story. You (personally) have been kept out of the loop. You have tried to offer reasonable advice/suggestions, and it hasn't been received. You and your DH's first priority is your marriage and your kids. Parent care isn't your first priority. 

And I've learned that sometimes people will cast you as specific characters in their tale, and that tale bears little resemblance to reality - or maybe it does - to slanted reality. 

You and your husband have helped. You have offered other help in the form of advice, and that help has not been welcomed. This situation sounds like a mess to me, but that is because of choices others have made and continue to make in face of evidence that maybe those aren't the best choices for the health and well being of MIL and FIL. It may be that they will see the light and realize they should have made better choices later, but it may also not ever turn out that way. 

IMHO, you determine what you can do, do that (or offer that), and then you rest in the fact you have considered it and made the best decision for you and your family.  How others chose to view that? Not my problem. I've protected immediate family.  

My sister did a lot to help my mom and dad through the last seasons of life. She took off work a lot. She stressed a lot. I could not help as I had very young children and was far away. I wish now I would have told her more often that she could have asked for help, said no, said I can only do this, but guilt works on her. I have told her that I appreciate all she did. 

Edited December 13, 2022 by Bambam

[Grace Hopper]

17 minutes ago, saraha said:

I was thinking about some posters who talked about siblings that didn’t help and felt negative towards them in sharing here. I guess that could be our fate, the villains in someone else’s story

Gosh we could all be someone’s villain over any issue of conflict. 
 

There’s a difference between concerned-and-can’t-help and don’t-care-won’t-help. Help also comes in different forms - it doesn’t always mean hands-on. Only *you* get to determine your capacity. 

Don’t let our naysaying keep you from doing anything you genuinely feel called to do! But don’t let yourself be guilted and command-performanced, either. If setting up the bedroom downstairs* would be something you could do, and afterwards step back and just keep to your food delivery schedule, maybe that’s a level of contribution that would assuage your worries. But don’t let anyone’s requests force you to do anything you’re not comfortable with, or anything that would be a roadblock to them getting her the type of care she really needs.
 

I wouldn’t be volunteering for anything until I got a text saying they’re actually drawing up the discharge papers. 

 

 

(*I say bedroom setup because it’s a non-contact task. However, I would not touch a stair gate - don’t need the liability of doing it wrong!!!)

[kbutton]

1 hour ago, saraha said:

I was thinking about some posters who talked about siblings that didn’t help and felt negative towards them in sharing here. I guess that could be our fate, the villains in someone else’s story

ETA: I hope this didn’t come across insulting. I didn’t mean any specific person or situations, I was just thinking about my situation in relation to stories people shared. That I am appropriately setting boundaries, but to others it will look like “we’ll they didn’t lift a finger” not knowing what all we tried to do

Helping people make foolish and dangerous choices is not what people are usually talking about on here.

[Katy]

"As I've said several times, this is not sustainable.  If SIL thinks she can make sure MIL gets enough care at home, SIL needs to arrange it.  If she can't do it, maybe she'll adjust to the idea that this isn't sustainable for anyone."

You can say it to yourself if not anyone else.

[scholastica]

Just now, Katy said:

"As I've said several times, this is not sustainable.  If SIL thinks she can make sure MIL gets enough care at home, SIL needs to arrange it.  If she can't do it, maybe she'll adjust to the idea that this isn't sustainable for anyone."

You can say it to yourself if not anyone else.

You should say this to them. And then explain that you can’t support anything that you don’t feel promotes a safe, sanitary, healthy environment for the two of them. This very well could end tragically and traumatically for one or both of them. Do not make it easier for that to happen.

[Jean in Newcastle]

3 hours ago, saraha said:

I was thinking about some posters who talked about siblings that didn’t help and felt negative towards them in sharing here. I guess that could be our fate, the villains in someone else’s story

ETA: I hope this didn’t come across insulting. I didn’t mean any specific person or situations, I was just thinking about my situation in relation to stories people shared. That I am appropriately setting boundaries, but to others it will look like “we’ll they didn’t lift a finger” not knowing what all we tried to do

But you have cooked meals, gone over many times. This isn’t the definition of “not lifting a finger “.   Setting boundaries when you can’t safely give her the level of care she needs is good. (I know that you know that but despite of how your SIL wants to spin it, we’ve got your back.). 

[Faith-manor]

23 hours ago, saraha said:

I was thinking about some posters who talked about siblings that didn’t help and felt negative towards them in sharing here. I guess that could be our fate, the villains in someone else’s story

ETA: I hope this didn’t come across insulting. I didn’t mean any specific person or situations, I was just thinking about my situation in relation to stories people shared. That I am appropriately setting boundaries, but to others it will look like “we’ll they didn’t lift a finger” not knowing what all we tried to do

Not at all. You have very valid reasons for stepping back BECAUSE they refuse to do what is prudent and vitally necessary. The issue with my brother is he literally did not give a fig about my well being or theirs. Absolutely nothing. And on top of that, these are not your parents either!

My brother actually said to my face that he did not care what happened to me kids. "They aren't my own kids so why should I care if they suffer" was the exact quote. Then when one of his adult kids fell on hard times and he wanted us to shell out money to help them so he wouldn't have to, I said the exact same thing back and ended the conversation. In the end, we did chose to fill her propane tank so she and her children would not be cold because we actually care like decent human beings. But if one my kids was actually starving, guaranteed he wouldn't be willing to donate a single crumb that fell from his table. He is such a jerk that he makes Ebeneezer Scrooge seem like a nice guy.

So don't worry about me. I can see the difference in situations, and I can also the similarities, and in your case, not being a party to some absolutely, egregiously bad choices that are going to train wreck epically is very important so that you and the children do not get drawn into it, and your own personal ethics are not violated.

Edited December 14, 2022 by Faith-manor

[Faith-manor]

17 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

But you have cooked meals, gone over many times. This isn’t the definition of “not lifting a finger “.   Setting boundaries when you can’t safely give her the level of care she needs is good. (I know that you know that but despite of how your SIL wants to spin it, we’ve got your back.). 

Right. And doing things that the OP should not be doing just prolongs the time it takes for the family to reach better conclusions about the situation.

Also, liability is a thing, and especially in a state where elder neglect can be prosecuted. Sometimes you have to step away so when the house of cards comes crashing down, your head is not on the community chopping block!

[AmandaVT]

Thinking of you today @saraha - if they do release your MIL today, I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible.

[saraha]

@AmandaVT thanks. I just got back from cleaning out her personal stuff from her room. Sil had sent a text out saying her dd is having her wisdom teeth out today so could somebody be there for when she’s released. Dh and bil neither have any more time off so I said I could do it. She responded yesterday can you go over and undecorate her room? I’m going to go over for release and don’t want to be there too long. 🙄🙄🙄 I guess she hasn’t been released from the hospital in a while. It’s hurry up and wait til boom, time to go. She then spelled out exactly where she wanted all the decorations, cards, flowers were to go. When I got there fil had done most of it, so dd and I helped finish and took to their house the stuff he hadn’t already loaded in his car and left dinner for them in the fridge.

I texted the group since no one had been over yet today the update of cleaning out the room, the doctor hadn’t been in yet, could someone call and let fil know if mil had her flu and pneumonia shots, she doesn’t want to go home, the kids made a welcome home sign I hung up and I left bean soup for them in the fridge. She texts back well he needs to eat the steak and noodles I bought him for lunch yesterday that he forgot about.

I guess I’m not trustworthy enough to handle the checkout, or where to put things away.

Dd asked mil if she was excited about going home and she just kept repeating I don’t want to go home, I want to stay here. 😔

 

Edited December 16, 2022 by saraha

[saraha]

Oh! And I forgot to mention that when we took their stuff home, I got to see the new bedroom and gate they put up on the stairs. The gate latch doesn’t work smoothly and the whole thing can be pushed over. It doesn’t want to latch closed and dd and I struggled to get it to latch, so we just left it open. I cannot see fil fighting with it every time he wants to go upstairs so it’s pretty useless. maybe they are hoping it’s the visual that will keep her downstairs 🙄

I’m not telling dh. After sitting with his mom last night he is just so downhearted.

Edited December 16, 2022 by saraha

[scholastica]

I find myself wishing that your dh and his brother could get up the nerve to have a man-to-man talk about this with fil, without sil. I know it’s so complicated with the farm and other things. Praying for you.

[saraha]

Oh my word. I just can’t. I had all day free, canceled piano lessons etc for the whole day so I could be there at checkout. Then sil says no I’m going to. I was over there an hour ago. I just got this text

So I guess they are home. They ate bean soup for lunch. Thanks Sarah. So much for talking to the nurses station and being assured they wouldn't release her until I was there and we could go over all discharge instructions. 

It’s not a flipping hotel, they dont do things on sil’s schedule. They told her after lunch. So she has been discharged and no one was there to make sure going home instructions were properly recorded. I wasn’t asked to stay with them til sil got there, so I didn’t. I wish I had, but I’m also like, we’ll, you wanted to do it yourself…

[Grace Hopper]

1 minute ago, saraha said:

Oh my word. I just can’t. I had all day free, canceled piano lessons etc for the whole day so I could be there at checkout. Then sil says no I’m going to. I was over there an hour ago. I just got this text

So I guess they are home. They ate bean soup for lunch. Thanks Sarah. So much for talking to the nurses station and being assured they wouldn't release her until I was there and we could go over all discharge instructions. 

It’s not a flipping hotel, they dont do things on sil’s schedule. They told her after lunch. So she has been discharged and no one was there to make sure going home instructions were properly recorded. I wasn’t asked to stay with them til sil got there, so I didn’t. I wish I had, but I’m also like, we’ll, you wanted to do it yourself…

Your SIL is a real piece of work. And that’s speaking politely. 
 

You did nothing wrong. But don’t step up to do anything else. Leave her to her own machinations. 

[Terabith]

2 minutes ago, saraha said:

Oh my word. I just can’t. I had all day free, canceled piano lessons etc for the whole day so I could be there at checkout. Then sil says no I’m going to. I was over there an hour ago. I just got this text

So I guess they are home. They ate bean soup for lunch. Thanks Sarah. So much for talking to the nurses station and being assured they wouldn't release her until I was there and we could go over all discharge instructions. 

It’s not a flipping hotel, they dont do things on sil’s schedule. They told her after lunch. So she has been discharged and no one was there to make sure going home instructions were properly recorded. I wasn’t asked to stay with them til sil got there, so I didn’t. I wish I had, but I’m also like, we’ll, you wanted to do it yourself…

So, SIL wasn’t there for discharge either?  Only FIL?  Usually there are written instructions somewhere?  
 

Also, if SIL was there, who was with her kid getting his wisdom teeth out? 

[saraha]

1 minute ago, Terabith said:

So, SIL wasn’t there for discharge either?  Only FIL?  Usually there are written instructions somewhere?  
 

Also, if SIL was there, who was with her kid getting his wisdom teeth out? 

She had the teeth out this morning. Sil is railing over text now about how they should have waited for her. I suggested she call the nurses station for instructions. They must have cut mil loose not too long after dd and I left. If they are already home and had lunch

[Terabith]

4 minutes ago, saraha said:

She had the teeth out this morning. Sil is railing over text now about how they should have waited for her. I suggested she call the nurses station for instructions. They must have cut mil loose not too long after dd and I left. If they are already home and had lunch

So neither you nor SIL were there when she was released?  Just FIL?  
 

Good grief. 

[saraha]

I could just spit. I did text dh and said if you want me to do anything else today for your mom and dad, let me know, I’m not busy. So they are now over there by themselves. I noticed the nurses had these pads on the furniture at the hospital that I don’t know if they have and if they did if fil would remember to put them on the furnishings. Dh said last night mil messed herself in the bed and he had to call a nurse to come clean her up.

[saraha]

Just now, Terabith said:

So neither you nor SIL were there when she was released?  Just FIL?  
 

Good grief. 

Yup, just fil. Dh wonders if someone saw me there and went ahead and started the process not realizing I left and wasn’t sil. I responded I don’t think the hospital works like that. Every time I’ve stayed in the hospital it was time to go! When they got to it. Sometimes it would be afternoon, sometimes if they were really busy it wasn’t until late evening. And they weren’t  messing around, it was get out.

[CTVKath]

Hugs. It's such a mess that I don't know how to pray but just wanted to let you know I'm praying.

[saraha]

I can honestly say I’m not surprised that this happened. When she said no I’ll go over after lunch, I thought “oh I hope it works out that way”. I can’t believe I took the whole day off and was literally there and could have handled it and she was like no, I’ve got this.

[fraidycat]

If SIL wanted instructions and has known since whenever ago that release was today, she could have been making notes and asking for them all week. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[mlktwins]

10 minutes ago, saraha said:

I could just spit. I did text dh and said if you want me to do anything else today for your mom and dad, let me know, I’m not busy. So they are now over there by themselves. I noticed the nurses had these pads on the furniture at the hospital that I don’t know if they have and if they did if fil would remember to put them on the furnishings. Dh said last night mil messed herself in the bed and he had to call a nurse to come clean her up.

Gorilla pads. You can order some from Amazon to get quickly. They are washable.

[AmandaVT]

Ugh I'm so sorry that this keeps getting messier. This probably sounds terrible but I hope they have a very rough (but safe!) night tonight and FIL and SIL start to realize that they can't handle her needs without professional help. 

Editing to add - my phrase of this school year is "that sounds like a you problem." I don't say it out loud, but I try to remember to say it to myself as a reminder when I am being asked to overextend myself (outside of the scope of my job) at work. It helps. A bit.

Edited December 16, 2022 by AmandaVT

[Grace Hopper]

I believe you read the situation correctly. 
 

A - Hospitals are not hotels. They are short staffed and cannot cater to every person’s schedule. As long as there is a person present to drive the patient home (fil), it’s go when they say go. Someone else may need that bed. 
 

B - Your sil wants control of the narrative. Let her have it. I wouldn’t even respond to any texts she’s part of. 
 

She has a husband, right? Could he have not taken the morning off for the dental appointment if sil wanted to be present at discharge time? If it were crucial for them to wait on her, she should have been the one to communicate that with the nursing staff. 
 

Sorry I’m mad on your behalf. 

Edited December 16, 2022 by Grace Hopper

[freesia]

Ok I am sure the right thing to do is ignore her, but I would have a very hard time not telling SIL to get over herself. Sheesh 

[saraha]

Thanks for letting me go off on you guys. Dh was so downhearted last night when he got home from the hospital that he watched tv with the kids and when they went to bed, he poured a STIFF drink and went to bed. He never has a drink during the week. I am so aggravated and I know he is at work having his own reaction. 
i really value being able to blow the steam off here first and then communicate with dh.