Communal sleeping: what’s weird and what’s not?

[GracieJane]

Everyone has their own bed in our house (DH and I have a queen). 8 -, and 6 year old brothers have a bunk bed, but inevitably fall asleep together on the lower bunk. 4 year old sister falls asleep in her own bed, but ends up in our bed sometime at night. The boys come to our bed in the morning too (it gets crowded).

My parents were very strict about not co-sleeping for good sleep hygiene. 

Is it weird for none of my kids to sleep alone? Will this effect their sleep cycles longterm?

[Drama Llama]

Totally fine. 

[regentrude]

Most of the world, for most of history, didn't have the luxury of separate beds for each child. Cosleeping is normal.

Byw, many adults sleep in the one bed with another adult and that's considered the norm.

 

Edited November 25, 2022 by regentrude

[GoVanGogh]

My son ended up in our bed until he was probably ten years old, then he just suddenly stopped. He is a young adult now. DH and I don’t regret letting him sleep in our bed. They grow up fast enough anyway and won’t need us the way they did when they were little. 

[City Mouse]

Both of my kids slept with me (one at a time) much longer than some people would think is good. This was mostly out of laziness on my part because my husband worked nights for many years. My DD stopped sleeping with me around the time that her brother was born. He cried too much for her. When my DS was in early elem, DH’s work scheduled changed which made for a more crowded bed. There were some trials getting DS to sleep in his own bed, but as adults neither one has slept with me for many years.

[JustEm]

All that sounds normal to me

[Starr]

Normal to me.

[gardenmom5]

eventually they reach a stage they don't' want to co-sleep.  (He even stopped demanding to shower in my bathroom. It was very sudden.)

I couldn't co-sleep past very small.  dudeling would end up in our bed - and he was a hog (in a king size bed).  I'd go sleep in his bed.  He'd wake up, and come find me, and I'd go back to my bed.  No - that is not good sleep hygiene.

my girls shared a bed - one was a cover hog/ bed hog (full size bed) and the other would end up on the floor with no covers.

 

 

[Brittany1116]

They will naturally migrate out of your bed when ready. My now 11yo boy stopped wanting to sleep in here around age 10. Boy 6 still asks to sleep here every weekend. They sometimes double up in a twin bed in their shared room just because. 

[LucyStoner]

So long as the kids have their own beds and are allowed to sleep there if they want, it’s fine.  

Everyone having their own bed is definitely a cultural thing and not a historical norm or a strict necessity but if you don’t have it in the US, people will assume it’s a class/income thing or see it as a bit of a red flag.  I say that having not had my own bed several different stretches of time as a kid.  I’ve heard it come up in CPS and custody cases.  

Our sons don’t climb into bed with us anymore but until they were pretty old they would often come and sleep in our bed (or in our room) or they would fall asleep while reading in one of their beds.  

[kiwik]

One day you will miss it.

[Not_a_Number]

I mean... whatever works? As long as everyone's getting enough sleep? 

I sleep better in a bed that doesn't contain any kids. And we got a king bed so DH and I could have enough space to sleep soundly. We're both sensitive sleepers and needed that. 

But if this is working for you, I don't see anything wrong with it!

[Carrie12345]

My kids played musical sleeping spots for what seemed like ages. People ended up in our bed, the girls used to share one bed in their two bed room, my two youngest sometimes slept under the coffee table in the living room!

There were drawbacks. I took inventory every night for fear of emergencies and having to find everyone. I once kicked a child in the head thinking it was a cat touching my foot.

Today, all of my kids ADORE their own space/rooms/beds. We were supposed to have an overnight guest and have my boys bunk together, but the youngest decided he’d rather sleep in the school room than share.  
They’re fine.

One of my favorite things about homeschooling has always been that my kids could (mostly) follow their body signals for sleep. “Socially normal” doesn’t always equal what a person needs.

[Elizabeth86]

I never slept alone as a kid and since having kids 11 years ago someone is always cosleeping. I don’t give it a second though. It’s our normal and works for us! I just wish Inlived in a culture that embraced the family bed and that I had a husband that wanted this https://thebeddingmart.com/blogs/news/largest-mattress-in-usa-taylor-and-wells-family-bed

I sleep so much better with my kids nearby. My dh not as much, but I don’t sleep well with him really, but my kids are so cozy.

[MercyA]

My parents didn't have a large bed (a full, probably) but I was always allowed to drag the sofa cushions into their room and sleep next to their bed if I felt like I needed it. I would have been scared and lonely sometimes if I couldn't! When I was ready to stop, I stopped.

If everyone is getting enough sleep, don't worry about it. 🙂

[Tanaqui]

Your parents meant well, but they were mistaken. There is nothing weird or bad about children sharing a bed, and if you aren't seeing that they're actually staying awake giggling there's no negative effect on their sleep.

[Farrar]

I have no idea what "hygiene" could have to do with sharing a bed. Is that supposed to be code for something else? Regardless, I vote that co-sleeping is totally normal. My boys both co-slept for many years. One of them moved out to his own bed around age 7. The other around age 11. He had some genuine sleep issues that we needed to address, but they had nothing to do with the co-sleeping and essentially we crossed that bridge when we came to it.

[Katy]

3 minutes ago, Farrar said:

I have no idea what "hygiene" could have to do with sharing a bed. Is that supposed to be code for something else?

No, it means her mom wanted everyone to sleep through the night without interruption or waking anyone else. There's plenty of science to support it, but plenty of history to suggest it's a new idea.

[Farrar]

5 minutes ago, Katy said:

No, it means her mom wanted everyone to sleep through the night without interruption or waking anyone else. There's plenty of science to support it, but plenty of history to suggest it's a new idea.

Ah. Okay. I guess I associate the term hygiene with cleanliness to maintain good health and there's nothing "unclean" about co-sleeping. But I guess it can just mean any general practice to maintain good health.

[marbel]

Co-sleeping is an individual/family preference that has nothing to do with sleep hygiene (practices to set up a good  night's sleep) unless one of the co-sleepers is disturbed by having company in the bed.

I don't see anything weird in what's going on in your house. As others have said, it is quite normal in many cultures. I remember when I was pregnant, my MIL was sure to tell me horror stories about the dangers of co-sleeping: either I would roll over and kill the baby, or "you'll never get him out of your bed." Bah, such nonsense. 

[sassenach]

I would say it's even normal for this culture, we just don't call it co-sleeping. If you talk to most parents of young kids, I would guess more than half have a child crawl in bed with them for at least part of the night. 

It's fine. Everyone is fine. Mine are all grown and there was all sorts of musical beds at your kids' ages. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

My seven year old sleeps with me any night DH is working(and sleeps with DH the nights I work).  Sometimes he comes in in the middle of the night, sometimes he sleeps on the couch.  Almost never in his own bed. My other two kids don’t sleep with me that often anymore, but they think it’s great fun to build a nest of blankets in the living room and sleep there.  As long as everyone is actually sleeping and not goofing around, I don’t care.

It is a cultural thing. And it kind of annoys me, to be honest. DS12 is receiving county mental health services through a community program and one thing they wanted to see in the home was that each child had their own bed.  Like the worker asked to check the bedrooms. My kids each do, but there’s no moral or good parenting value on kids having their own beds, as long as everyone has a safe place to sleep. My mom grew up very poor in a multi generational household.  Sometimes she didn’t have her own bed. Sometimes she shared her parents or aunt’s bed. At least one point in her childhood she and her sister shared a sofa bed in their living room.  Everyone was cared for and safe, and she has no damage from not always having her own bed.  When you’re poor, everyone having their own bed is not a priority. 

Edited November 25, 2022 by Mrs Tiggywinkle Again

[SKL]

My kids have always had their own beds, but chose to sleep together on and off for much of their childhood.

I had to share a bed with my sister (and sometimes our baby brother) until I was 13, because we were working-class with a bunch of kids.  It was somewhat unusual in our area, but then, so was our family size.  In earlier generations, it would have been more strange if a bunch of kids didn't share beds.

Some cultures still consider it borderline child abuse to "make" a child sleep alone.

Ultimately, whatever enables kids to sleep is good sleep hygiene.

[Tanaqui]

Farrar, "sleep hygiene" is a general phrase used to mean "good sleep habits" - like not watching TV in bed, or not taking long naps in the middle of the day if you have trouble with being wakeful at night.

https://www.sleepfoundation.org/sleep-hygiene

https://www.cdc.gov/sleep/about_sleep/sleep_hygiene.html

https://www.healthline.com/health/sleep-hygiene

I haven't read those links, I'm simply linking to them to show that the term is in widespread use.

[SKL]

17 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

It is a cultural thing. And it kind of annoys me, to be honest. DS12 is receiving county mental health services through a community program and one thing they wanted to see in the home was that each child had their own bed.  Like the worker asked to check the bedrooms. My kids each do, but there’s no moral or good parenting value on kids having their own beds, as long as everyone has a safe place to sleep. My mom grew up very poor in a multi generational household.  Sometimes she didn’t have her own bed. Sometimes she shared her parents or aunt’s bed. At least one point in her childhood she and her sister shared a sofa bed in their living room.  Everyone was cared for and safe, and she has no damage from not always having her own bed.  When you’re poor, everyone having their own bed is not a priority. 

This is also something you have to prove if you want to adopt (and I assume foster).  In fact, I think they want each kid to have his own room (or a clearly separate area) in some agencies.  Not sure how much that delays needed placements.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

10 minutes ago, SKL said:

This is also something you have to prove if you want to adopt (and I assume foster).  In fact, I think they want each kid to have his own room (or a clearly separate area) in some agencies.  Not sure how much that delays needed placements.

If there’s trauma I can understand a little better—here kids of different genders over the age of 5 have to have seperate bedrooms to foster.  My DS12 and DD10 share a room(neither want to share with DS7) so we would not be able to foster in our state.

[Spryte]

6 hours ago, Elizabeth86 said:

I never slept alone as a kid and since having kids 11 years ago someone is always cosleeping. I don’t give it a second though. It’s our normal and works for us! I just wish Inlived in a culture that embraced the family bed and that I had a husband that wanted this https://thebeddingmart.com/blogs/news/largest-mattress-in-usa-taylor-and-wells-family-bed

I sleep so much better with my kids nearby. My dh not as much, but I don’t sleep well with him really, but my kids are so cozy.

Wow, that’s a big mattress!

We played the musical beds game for years, and still have a kid who lands on our bedroom couch every night. Everyone here has their own bedroom, but we have an open door policy, and kids can come in and crash on the couch if they need it. One kid wandered in till 12, another still crashes on the couch sometime in the night at 11.

When things were really crazy, with kids crawling in our bed, and then me going to a different bed (because not enough room), and just this constant shifting around each night, I was really suffering from lack of sleep. My innovative doc suggested we make a “bed room.” We took down our bed frames, and put all the mattresses on the floor. No kidding. A king, a twin and a toddler mattress, all side by side, and we just embraced communal sleeping. Everyone slept well, and we all got back on track. That mattress would have been amazing!

 

 

[Terabith]

40 years ago, my pediatrician gave my parents a copy of a book called The Family Bed.  I vote for whatever winds up with everyone getting the maximum sleep needed.  

[Guest]

14 hours ago, Not_a_Number said:

I mean... whatever works? As long as everyone's getting enough sleep? 

I sleep better in a bed that doesn't contain any kids. And we got a king bed so DH and I could have enough space to sleep soundly. We're both sensitive sleepers and needed that. 

But if this is working for you, I don't see anything wrong with it!

I sleep better in a bed and room that doesn’t contain any *other people*, lol! If my husband would not make such a fuss about it I would permanently switch to a different room. 
 

With that said, I do generally think the answer is “wherever everyone gets the most sleep.” 

[Guest]

8 hours ago, Elizabeth86 said:

I never slept alone as a kid and since having kids 11 years ago someone is always cosleeping. I don’t give it a second though. It’s our normal and works for us! I just wish Inlived in a culture that embraced the family bed and that I had a husband that wanted this https://thebeddingmart.com/blogs/news/largest-mattress-in-usa-taylor-and-wells-family-bed

I sleep so much better with my kids nearby. My dh not as much, but I don’t sleep well with him really, but my kids are so cozy.

This is probably a silly question somehow, but why wouldn’t one just position 2 queens together, rather than have all the expense and logistical stress of buying a bed the size of two queens together? 

[KungFuPanda]

37 minutes ago, Quill said:

This is probably a silly question somehow, but why wouldn’t one just position 2 queens together, rather than have all the expense and logistical stress of buying a bed the size of two queens together? 

I’m with you. It makes no sense. Then you need weird giant sheets and bedding? How do you get it in the door? There has to be a more practical way to deal with the gap between the two mattresses. 

[SKL]

I heard all the great stuff about co-sleeping with babies while in process for my adoptions.  I tried it with each kid.  Neither of them liked it.  Ultimately we all slept best in our own beds when they were babies.

My mom also had a bio kid who didn't like being touched while trying to go to sleep.  So it isn't just because my kids were adopted.

Whatever works.  The idea that co-sleeping is better bugs me just as much as the idea that separate sleeping is better.

[Tanaqui]

Well, that was a happy attack on straw, SKL. I don't think anybody here has said that bedsharing is universally better, just that it's the norm in many societies and that it's better if everybody involved thinks it's better (but not if they don't).

[Elizabeth86]

3 hours ago, Quill said:

This is probably a silly question somehow, but why wouldn’t one just position 2 queens together, rather than have all the expense and logistical stress of buying a bed the size of two queens together? 

Lol yeah that’s probably more practical. The family bed just seems over the top and it is not something I will be getting, so ya know. Just a dream item of mine. I was also looking at $65,000 muscle cars with my dad online at Thanksgiving. I like to dream.

[teachermom2834]

I always had my kids in their own beds on schedule and figured that is what we needed to do for everyone to sleep. Then I had my dd and my dh was working out of town and she would sleep with me when he was gone. She still probably would if he ever traveled and she is 14 and it doesn’t seem weird at all. It would just be a sleepover. She is a snuggly kid. 
 

I never thought it was weird but it did seem like the families that I knew that did it were always exhausted. Then with the wisdom of the parenting years adding up I realized one day that like so many things, I was hearing about the families being exhausted from the families that co-sleeping was not working for. The ones that were well rested never mentioned their sleeping arrangements, of course. Kind of like how we like to remind public school teachers that the homeschoolers that come in mid year behind in their studies are the ones that are there because homeschooling is not working. They never see the ones who are doing great. So many things like this. 

[Elizabeth86]

2 hours ago, SKL said:

I heard all the great stuff about co-sleeping with babies while in process for my adoptions.  I tried it with each kid.  Neither of them liked it.  Ultimately we all slept best in our own beds when they were babies.

My mom also had a bio kid who didn't like being touched while trying to go to sleep.  So it isn't just because my kids were adopted.

Whatever works.  The idea that co-sleeping is better bugs me just as much as the idea that separate sleeping is better.

I don’t think it is better at all. One of my 4 hasn’t ever been big on it. He happily sleeps alone. I don’t think it is better at all. What ever works in your house is what is best imo! It’s just something I enjoy. 

[Guest]

2 hours ago, SKL said:

I heard all the great stuff about co-sleeping with babies while in process for my adoptions.  I tried it with each kid.  Neither of them liked it.  Ultimately we all slept best in our own beds when they were babies.

My mom also had a bio kid who didn't like being touched while trying to go to sleep.  So it isn't just because my kids were adopted.

Whatever works.  The idea that co-sleeping is better bugs me just as much as the idea that separate sleeping is better.

In my family, I’m the one who does not like to be touched while I sleep. I will Grant you, I did my share of co-sleeping while I still had nursing infants. I even had one who only slept actually in my arms for a few months. But I always knew it could not continue that way for years to come. Some people accept it. I didn’t. I don’t think that makes me a better or worse mom that anyone else. I could see how some families were and I knew I didn’t want certain outcomes if I could avert it. 
 

When my daughter and I travel and we share a bed, she says I sleep like a corpse, lol. I just can’t stand to touch anyone in bed so I sleep there like…like a corpse. 

[Not_a_Number]

7 hours ago, Quill said:

I sleep better in a bed and room that doesn’t contain any *other people*, lol! If my husband would not make such a fuss about it I would permanently switch to a different room. 

With that said, I do generally think the answer is “wherever everyone gets the most sleep.” 

Honestly, same. We slept in different rooms during the pandemic, when we had an AirBnB with an extra room and with double beds that we DEFINITELY couldn't share comfortably. And I slept well! 

However, it also did make us feel a bit more disconnected. So for me, the king bed is the best compromise. 

Edited November 26, 2022 by Not_a_Number

[LucyStoner]

13 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

Farrar, "sleep hygiene" is a general phrase used to mean "good sleep habits" - like not watching TV in bed, or not taking long naps in the middle of the day if you have trouble with being wakeful at night.

https://www.sleepfoundation.org/sleep-hygiene

https://www.cdc.gov/sleep/about_sleep/sleep_hygiene.html

https://www.healthline.com/health/sleep-hygiene

I haven't read those links, I'm simply linking to them to show that the term is in widespread use.

Yes, it’s the term that the doctors used when I was struggling with insomnia.  It’s mostly a bedtime routine and not letting things compete with sleep.  Another aspect was making the bedroom a very restful and relaxing place- no laptops, work papers etc.  

[Clarita]

Whichever way gets everyone well rested is the best way. 

   

[Shoeless]

I used to share a twin bed with my cousin when she stayed for the weekend.  We did that almost every weekend for a few years.  

No sleep issues here. I sleep like the dead. 💤