How to Plan for Christmas?

[NorthernBeth]

Ok, so this probably sounds weird to all you super organized types, but we really have a problem with holidays in our house.  My husband's family really did not plan holidays so he is not generally all that big on celebrating them and essentially has no fond memories of any holiday traditions.  Attempts to enlist suggestions for possible family celebrations/ traditions tend to provoke a response that is sweet but not very helpful.  ( somewhere along the lines of I just want everyone to be happy).    When my lovely foster son was younger, he often found waiting for a big holiday such as Christmas extra stressful, and it seemed to provoke a lot of poor behaviour, so we learned to really down-play holidays in order to avoid triggering a negative response.

The problem is:  I love the holidays.    The Christmas holidays of my childhood, especially were times of such happiness.  But many of my favourite memories involve things that my family loved but doesn't really trigger any joy in my current family ( such as making gingerbread cookies, or going to cut down a Christmas tree, or having  large family parties).  The thing is that I can't seem to find any sort of family activity they do enjoy, and doing these activities all by myself seems to defeat the purpose ( to me, anyways of these kinds of holiday activities.   But it makes me really sad that we don't have any fun holiday traditions/ activities.  And every year, the holidays come around and just seem... boring and sad.   I have tried to just let it go and not care about it at all but that has not been successful.   I would really like to change that this year, but I am just not sure how?

How did your family holiday traditions start?  Are there things that just you do, and not the rest of the family?   How did you find activities that everyone liked?  I really would like the holidays to be fun this year.  But I can't seem to figure out how to make that happen when the other members of the family seem so disinterested in it.  We live in a pretty remote area so it is not like I can just pop over to my family's house to celebrate with them.  I feel a bit silly even talking about this, but I guess this is my attempt to try and address this issue in enough time to actually have a fun holiday season this year.

Edited November 5, 2022 by NorthernBeth

[Rosie_0801]

Things are pretty low key here too. The only tradition I've been really wedded to is my viewing schedule. I did that every year, whether dd was with me or not. And now I don't have toddlers, I have a Christmas tree, even if it takes up half my kitchen. While I decorate, I listen to the Disney Christmas songs we used to drive my mother crazy with.

Dec 21: BBC Classic Midsummer Night's Dream
Dec 22: First half of 'The Hogfather'
Dec 23: Second half of 'The Hogfather'
Dec 24: 'Muppets Christmas Carol' (Where I send "Marley and Marley, WHOOOO" messages to my brother, if he's working, who is well over it but bad luck. Do you know, you can narrate pretty much the whole movie using gifs on FB messenger? Haha)

I say you do the things you like and enjoy them whether anyone joins in or not. Haul your hubby along to get a tree, then decorate it all by yourself so you can have it how you like. Bake gingerbread and share it with the neighbours. Buy yourself two different advent calendars so you can open one in the morning to reward yourself for getting up and another to open at night to reward yourself for going to bed. Make a wreath for the front door. Make a wreath for the toilet door too, because why not? Bathrooms could be more festive. Get a decent sized box and shop for some fun stuff for yourself and some new Christmas decorations at the post Christmas sales, put everything in the box, wrap it, stick it in a top cupboard and unwrap it next Christmas, when you'll probably have forgotten what you bought.

Or leave them all behind and go to your family's house. The people you live with can roast their own turkey.

[Eos]

3 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I say you do the things you like and enjoy them whether anyone joins in or not.

Rosie speaks the truth.

Since it's not second-nature already, start with a list.  What are the most important things for you that you want? Cookies, a tree, Advent calendar, lights, caroling, volunteering?  List out what would make you feel holiday-ish, then put some dates on the calendar.  Simplify, simplify, simplify, my mother would say. 

If you choose Decor, Tree, Cookies, Carols, Gift-Giving, for instance, choose a day to put up lights or decor, then a day to get the tree, a time to decorate it, a day to make cookies, a day to send cookies or give other gifts to non-family members (librarian? postal delivery person?)  Once you have these on your calendar, then you don't have to think about it.  Meanwhile, play Christmas carols on the computer throughout the month for an easy dose of holiday-ness without any effort on your part.  

Do you have a Christmas Eve or Day tradition?  If your family hangs stockings, you could just add a little bit to that.  Make hot cocoa or pine needle tea, sing some carols or read a story, hang stockings, go to bed. 

4 hours ago, NorthernBeth said:

waiting for a big holiday such as Christmas extra stressful, and it seemed to provoke a lot of poor behaviour, so we learned to really down-play holidays in order to avoid triggering a negative response.

Hopefully doing festive activities throughout the month will alleviate some of this instead of waiting for the Big Day.  But you know best if these will provoke that anxiety.  

Hugs.

 

[Eos]

Adding to this: maybe one way to lower anxiety in your foster son is to also look ahead to after Christmas to ease the downtime afterwards.  Plan for a special meal on Boxing Day or New Year's Eve, or plan a cake and game night for Twelfth Night, then do these every year too.

[MEmama]

Gently, I don’t think you can force holiday joy or traditions on anyone.
 

My DS was always anxious at the holidays and every year I had to pare more down, even though our holidays have always been lowkey (I know now he is autistic and has severe anxiety and ADHD but I didn’t know that at the time so the overwhelm was baffling, when all his little friends were bursting with excitement). It felt sad and empty to me; we didn’t live near other family and my friends were busy making the holidays magical for their kids, while mine wanted nothing to do with them. DH couldn’t care less about extra holiday activities or whatever, so I had to learn to just do things I enjoy and do them for myself.

When DS was younger I learned to shorten the season as much as possible. Many years I didn’t put up a tree or decorate at all until a few days before Christmas, then took it down quickly. The longer things were different and “more”, the more stressed he was. I can get away with putting out favorite items earlier now that he’s older, but that was a strategy that helped before he could articulate his anxiety. My decorations are simple, simple, simple. Mostly just one room, Nordic and nature themed and warm lights. It’s calming and peaceful, with a nod to favorites from my childhood.

I'm sorry you are going through this. The only thing that’s kinda worked for me is to let all expectations go. If your family members can’t or won’t participate, you’re just going to have to do things on your own. Invite them along, but understand they might not participate (and understand they aren’t rejecting you, but a season out of their control or interest). Try not to compare your family and holiday making with others, and definitely stay off Pinterest, lol.

That said, we do have a few traditions but I always wonder what he’ll take with him (either to replicate or in his heart) as he gets older. It helps me to remember that traditions don’t have to last forever, that once they’ve outlived their enjoyment there’s no sense in clinging to them. 

Edited November 5, 2022 by MEmama

[Ottakee]

I understand the stress of huge holiday expectations with a foster/adopted kiddo.

One thing we do is go to our church’s candlelight service (like the 4pm one) on Christmas Eve and then come home to appetizers…..every family member gets to pick their favorite and I make it.  We end up with weird combos but they all enjoy picking out a favorite.

[regentrude]

I struggled with this for years, tried to do all the holiday things to recreate the magic Christmas of my childhood, until I realized I was the only one who cared, and it would never be like that because I now was the mom who had to make the magic happen. 

I  asked my family what the most important traditions were for them, and ditched most others. We still did the tree, but I scaled down decorating, bake only 2 kinds of cookies instead of 8, stopped crafting, just picked one concert instead of several events. Instead,  we ate, hung out, chilled.

It turned out incredibly freeing to let go of all the expectations, and we now have wonderful low key holidays the entire family enjoys,  and I am no longer stressed. And no longer mourning the childhood holidays.

Edited November 5, 2022 by regentrude

[HomeAgain]

Our holidays are.....slapped together?  Organic?  Neither of those words are right.  But we spent 20+ years not knowing if family members are working/will be home for Christmas, not being able to get "traditional" items we grew up with because we moved too remotely (I do not suggest making eggnog from scratch if you can't cook well), and not having room/money/community celebrations like we remembered.

So, our Christmas became a series of little things.

I bake cookies because *I* want to make gingerbread and candies.  We pass it out to our friends.

Dh makes a cookie he grew up with.

I force everyone to listen to A Christmas Carol from the 19th-23rd (we watch it on the 24th and follow it with a recitation of Twas The Night Before Christmas)

When Covid hit and we could not go see a light show or anything else, I recreated the "ABCs of Christmas" advent calendar I had done when youngest ds was little.  Every day was a different family activity under the tree: painting ornaments, watching Polar Express and the fixings for a hot cocoa bar, a map of Christmas lights around town, a stack of preboxed gingerbread houses and extra candies, shopping for the Angel Tree...I made sure anything we did that year was easy. 

You know what my kids' happiest times are?

• The dvd I picked up at the dollar bin one year of Christmas cartoons.  They're on Amazon or Netflix now, and are so incredibly bad it's hilarious.  Every year we find something new we missed the year before.  Dh does not participate in our tradition of mockery.
• The ornament advent calendar.  Each day, a new one appears on the tree with a chocolate inside. 
• Eating the cookies and the caramels I make.
• Shopping for the Angel Tree
• Reading my past Christmas poems.  Every year I do a small poem, with pictures, to show what happened that year.  I need to put them in a book, but they're online right now for them to howl through.
• Forced Family Fun on Christmas day.  A game, a murder mystery, something.  I make sure that we do something that requires about 2 hours of family participation.

I honestly don't care if anyone is all in or all out.  I had to reframe my mind about it.  I can spend my month focused on giving, or I can spend my month making sure everyone is participating with the same level of enthusiasm I want them to have.  My list of things we do doesn't look anything like the things we did when I grew up.  We don't start the season with the town parade, make luminarias, go to mass and have an advent ring...we don't have a large feast with trays of appetizers and family coming from all locations.  Christmas doesn't start at midnight for us.   I don't make thousands of spritz cookies.

My kids are going to forge their own ways of celebrating.  It will depend on the same factors that we had to consider: time, location, availability, values.   I figure the most I can do is just model how to do that for them and support them finding their own joy.

[alisoncooks]

I mean, we have our traditions because I made everyone do the things I wanted to do. And then again the next year. And the next. 😉

We don’t have huge, elaborate traditions, but things like binge-watching Christmas movies and drinking hot chocolate while decorating over a few days. Now that mine are teens, they help a little less, but they still chill in the room with me while the movies are running and I decorate. 

We all enjoy the big, flashy, drive-through light displays. (We have a few fairly close; one is at a race track and the other at an outdoor amphitheater.) Starbucks run, radio Christmas music and drive through lights display = family time/memories.

We bake a few things. We watch LOTS of Christmas movies. We go take Santa pictures (yes, mine are teens and we do this every year. It’s hilarious.)

[gstharr]

My kid was a June baby so I had 6  months before his 1st Chritmas. I bought every really nice decoration that I found at yard sales and thrifts. We had inflatables, nutcrackers, electric trains, and mechanicals and musical  things all set up around the tree.  17 years later, he still looks forward to setting them up. 

[Starr]

I wouldn't frame it as making traditions. That's a lot of pressure. I don't like to do things alone so I would have dh do something I wanted to do that's festive with me. Or something just one of the kids wants to do if you can't get the whole group together. And don't worry if they aren't all excited just do them anyway. Those Christmas movies can be fun even alone. Put them on in the common space and declare it's the season. The same with music. Mom loves Christmas can become the tradition. 

[happi duck]

So much great input on this thread.

I agree with plan what you'd like and do it this year and next year and you'll have a tradition.  It is a lot of pressure to decide a "tradition" ahead of time as opposed to just continuing to do things you like.

 

 

[Annie G]

@regentrude summed it up perfectly for me.  It’s almost exactly my experience. 
 I do ask what cookies are important, and I have learned to suck it up when dh always says chocolate chip.   Ds and I have the same favorite, so I make two kinds,  not ten. 
I will add that for many years we drove into Chicago for the Christkindlmarket. Dh hated it (the drive! The crowds! The traffic!) but the kids and I LOVED it.  We did the same thing every year. Bought gluhwein or hot chocolate in the special mugs, bought a glass ornament, visited the candy shop for German candy, etc.  Now that the kids are grown, dh has fond memories of those years.  So….if they won’t tell you what activities are important to them, I’d encourage you to choose some that are meaningful to you.  They might eventually embrace them. 
Ds no longer cares for the annual night where we drink hot chocolate, listen to Christmas music while driving around looking at lights. But he knows it’s important to dh and he does it for him, happily. 
Hang in there- pare it down to the important things, and manage your expectations.  That saved me so much stress. 

[marbel]

1 hour ago, Starr said:

I wouldn't frame it as making traditions. That's a lot of pressure. I don't like to do things alone so I would have dh do something I wanted to do that's festive with me. Or something just one of the kids wants to do if you can't get the whole group together. And don't worry if they aren't all excited just do them anyway. Those Christmas movies can be fun even alone. Put them on in the common space and declare it's the season. The same with music. Mom loves Christmas can become the tradition. 

I agree with this (and probably pretty much everything everyone else has said, but this in particular). Traditions need to evolve organically. And they change over time.

We had the tradition of going out and cutting a tree every year. One year there was no time and very little money, so we bought a tree at a produce market and got hot chocolate from a convenience store. For just two years that was our tradition. Then we discovered that one of the kids was allergic to the Christmas tree. Whoops! Sorry we didn't figure that out before. Here comes the artificial tree. Now our tradition is to haul it out on the day after Thanksgiving, place it, let it sit for a while undecorated... then my daughter and I decorate it while my husband and son dip in and out and say "oooh" and "aaah" appropriately, and put up their few special ornaments. This year it will be different again because she doesn't live here anymore so isn't around 24/7. But we will still do the tree, one way or another.

I love watching old Christmas movies, but no one else does. I've started watching them alone. Someone may come sit near me and play on their phone and half-watch so I don't feel alone, but I don't really care. I am watching The Bishop's Wife and I don't care if you think it's sappy and boring. But, consider... I sat through Home Alone how many times?

I do most of the baking because I like to bake, but my daughter takes the lead on the rolled/cutout/decorated cookies because she wants them and I hate making those. If she wasn't going to be around, I wouldn't bother. I do ask everyone what they must have and will enlist help for those requests if needed. 

This is not Christmas but more general - I will decide to do something and invite them along, prepared to do it alone if they won't. So, a hike on a crisp cold day, or a trip to a Christmas craft festival - here's where I'm going, here's when I'm leaving, you're invited but not obligated to join me. Usually someone does, but not always. Of course with older kids who have their own work and social schedules there's always someone unavailable. BUT before I was married I spent a lot of time alone and don't mind doing stuff like that by myself.

I know I've made it sound simple but maybe you will find something helpful here. If not, of course you can ignore! I didn't have to deal particularly with anxiety and stress around holidays; that would complicate things for sure.

I hope you find a way to enjoy your holidays! 💗

 

Edited November 5, 2022 by marbel

[mommyoffive]

Is your foster son still in the family and need to have a lower stress free holiday?  I don't have knowledge in that area.

I agree with other posters to do what brings you happiness even if it is only for you.  But I also think sometimes people say they don't enjoy things and they really do.  

Our traditions have come up and changed over time and I think they will continue to do so. For instance we go and cut down a real tree.  We started our marriage out with a fake tree.   We went to Walmart on Christmas Eve and they were giving away the live trees that hadn't sold.  Dh wanted one as he brought up that he always wanted a live tree.  We took it home and took down the fake one and put the live one up.  It evolved into going to tree farm and cutting down a real tree.  I flat out hate having a real tree.  I would have put up a fake tree on Nov 1st.  Not have to vacuum up needles everyday.  Water it.  Going to get the tree ends up taking hours and hours as we walk the entire farm and nobody can ever agree on which tree.   And then getting the tree home is always an operation.  It will be better this year as we finally have a roof rack that we got only for this reason.   I can't stand this tradition, but my dh and most of my kids love it.

Before my kids were ballet dancers our entire season didn't revolve  around Nutcracker.  And then it did and our Christmas season was and is mostly that. Including shows on Christmas Eve.  I would never have thought or been ok with that years before.

I would love to travel over Christmas, something I never would have agreed to when the kids were little.

I think just come up with some ideas and try different things this year.  How about an advent calendar where you do different things everyday?  Maybe somethings you know they would like?

Do they like to watch movies?   Have a holiday movie night be a tradition

Go see lights

Make gingerbread houses.  Make it a competition.

Go get a tree

decorate the tree

Angel tree family shopping

Make cookies

Go sledding, ice skating, skiing, 

Go see a holiday show

Put together holiday legos or puzzles

snowball fight

build a snowman contest

Advent calendars 

 

[NorthernBeth]

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for the great ideas!   I think looking at everyone's suggestions, I am realizing that part of what is making me sad, is that Christmas used to be a time of getting together with my extended family and doing lots of fun thing together..... Part of what I am missing is simply that joy of togetherness from having lots of people around that you love.   My current family is very tiny, and all my extended family is way far away, so getting together with them is not really a realistic or affordable goal.  My foster son always has to go visit his biological family but doesn't really want to and that causes a whole other layer of stress to the holiday.  They also really seem to leave it last minute to figure out what they want to do.  So it does make it somewhat hard to plan things, as we have to stay flexible for that side of the family. 

I am realizing that part of what I miss is that sense of togetherness that I somehow assocciate with the sense of being loved.  The fact that neither dh nor ds really wants to do Christmas activities not only seems boring to me, but has also been making me feel  "unloved".  I didnt really see that until I was reading everyone's responses.  I may need to find some other people who do enjoy doing Christmassy things to fill up that love tank.  Thanks guys, you have given me a lot to think about, and I appreciate reading some of the ideas that are very low-prep such as advent calendars and Christmas Movie watching.  

 

Edited November 5, 2022 by NorthernBeth

[Jaybee]

When we first moved overseas, we had to scale back our Christmas traditions a lot. At first, I had trouble with it, because I loved all the bling and chaos. And I, too, missed family and friends and the huge get-togethers. I gradually began to enjoy it more and more and began to love the simplicity. We developed different traditions and occasionally have dropped some and added others. My mom used to bake trays and trays of cookies. I don't--in part because it is just constant temptation for me, and I don't need that. But reading your post, I could just smell the gingerbread! So I'm thinking through the posts and wondering if you can find simple things that you find special and comforting, but that wouldn't involve a lot of stress. Like you could bake gingerbread (the smell alone is worth it!) and share it with your co-workers, keeping a little at home. (It's possible that your dh and your ds do enjoy some things about the holidays, but don't even realize it's special to them.) You could bake festive breads or such and share them. Are there little things you can do that add a seasonal touch but that don't disrupt your family's normal routine?

I get the desire to feel special and loved. Some people just don't feel the same needs or awareness for affection and special attention/moments. I have healthy family relationships and little relationship stress (as opposed to many who post here every year about how hard it is), but I still usually feel some sadness and loneliness around the holidays. There's just something about that time. Our kids are scattered, and it is rare we are able to get together. It's been ages since I've been able to see extended family other than very short occasional visits with siblings and our one remaining parent. And I miss them. So I try to do some things that kind of pamper myself in little ways, or that reach out to individual people I love. I buy my new calendar book and get it ready for the new year. I light candles that look festive and smell nice on the table and kitchen counter. I make a certain treat for dh's work colleague's families and our friends, and try to deliver as many in person as I can. The delivery adds a personal touch that makes it more than just a yearly check-off obligation. I usually read some holiday books and watch some holiday movies (with or without others). And I spend time at Christmas for some quiet moments of Scripture reading and reflection about the meaning of it all. And at New Years contemplating the year past and the one to come. Hugs.

And all this brought up a s/o question for me that I'll post on another thread.

Edited November 5, 2022 by Jaybee

[alysee]

We do different things each year for the most part. The only consistent traditions we have are watching Christmas movies because that's the only thing we can all agree on is fun and we bake a ton of christmas desserts because I can usually find one or two helpers who enjoy it each year. 

Last year we did 24 activities, one for each day such as bake cookies, have a Christmas movie marathon. We've read 24 Christmas picture books in past years as well. 

[gardenmom5]

2dd is going through something similiar with dsil.  He didn't do holidays or birthdays - so she's been bringing things in.  She reminded him, this is for their kids and yes he's going to have a birthday cake too.

 

The one tradition we had growing up - was one that needed to be changed.  (my sister changed it for her family by going out of town, to the same place every year, for christmas until her kids went off to college.)

I chose to make Christmas Eve the religious portion of the festivities.  We have a nice dinner (varies), read the Christmas story and sing religious Christmas hymns.  Christmas morning, everyone takes turns opening gifts.   when kids were younger we didn't start until 8am - that started the year I was up until after 2am putting things under the tree.  Now - I put everything under the tree as it's wrapped.   Then we'll have a simple breakfast and such.

during Dec., we'd do some local activities- the christmas ships (if we could find a night it wasn't raining . . ), lights, etc.

I still end up decorating by myself - we'll see how this year works as dh wants one of the trees from our "christmas tree lot" where we planted five nobles. (we both hate sheared trees, and even fake trees are more like a sheared tree now).  I made clear i am NOT putting on the lights!  and I won't have boxes sitting around for two weeks waiting for someone else to put the lights on.  (I'll bring in ornament boxes after the lights are on.)  Nor will I have ladders in the living room and furniture shuffled around for two weeks . . 

this year, 2dd and her family will be coming up on boxing day (late), so we'll do more after christmas.  I'm just thrilled they're coming.   dsil called and asked if 2dd had asked me if it was OK that they come. . . dsil - you don't have to ask!  (2dd already told me they were planning on coming.)

Edited November 5, 2022 by gardenmom5

[footballmom]

What about reflecting on the most fulfilling traditions / elements to you, and either find a way to turn it into an opportunity for fellowship with your friends or give back to your community.  For example, if you love the cookie part of it host a cookie exchange, if it’s a movie or wrapping, have friends over for a movie night or wrapping party.  I would think about where I could lean into my tribe so that I could still feel connection and give my family a pass on what wasn’t important to them.  Or one to two most important things for you and the family and then two or three activities solo or with your tribe.

[Jaybee]

How hard would it be to connect intentionally through phone calls or FaceTime with some of the extended relatives? Maybe 1-3 calls per week the month of December. Just touching base means a lot, both to the caller and the recipient.

[ScoutTN]

One thing we’ve added since covid is doing something fun outdoors with another family, with friends. Often just a hike or a backyard bonfire. Nothing particularly Christmas-y. Just time with friends during the school break. 

[lmrich]

Or how about going a differrent direction - going to an angel tree and picking out a gift for someone in need or putting together a cute basket for the humane society - everyone in your family can pick out something to put in it or even make doggy biscuits.  Or think how you can honor your favorite group or charity.

Visit an old folks home and make gingerbread houses there. 

I love the simple look of luminary candles (white paper bags, sand, candles) lit on Christmas Eve  and lining your driveway. Could be a simple way to start the night. 

New pajamas and a book as a gift on Christmas Eve. 

A family game or a puzzle as gift to play on Christmas Day. 

Start simple and add simple touches - slow and steady. 

You are loved! 

 

[Clemsondana]

I think you have to work with the personalities of your family and make traditions around the sort of thing that they like anyway.  If you have movie people, then watch Christmas classics.  If you have readers, then have an assortment of Christmas books.  Or wrap books and give a book each week of December.  Look for a family experience that people will look forward to - a concert, ice skating, a trip to look at lights with popcorn and hot chocolate in the car.  I had a friend whose family decided to try to find the best peppermint milkshake in town when everybody was running their December specials.  Some families play a football game on Thanksgiving - you could do something similar for Christmas.  Many small, silly things become traditions through repetition - always getting a toothbrush in your stocking, or getting a new game to play.  One tradition that we adopted from some friends was having a particular favorite but pricey treat only for Christmas - when it's gone, it's gone.  

My mom always made a ton of cookies, but in my family they mostly get thrown out because the kids don't want that much sweets.  So, we usually have a few things that keep a long time. One kid requests pound cake, while for the other I make homemade marshmallows that we enjoy with hot chocolate.  Our Christmas meal has evolved.  One year I fixed salmon because we were eating a traditional evening meal with another family at their home and I needed something quick.  It turns out that my family prefers salmon to turkey or beef or ham, so that's what I fix no matter when our family eats its main meal.  We've adjusted the sides over time as tastes evolve, and depending on whether my in-laws are with us.  We also have a a couple of food traditions around New Year's - some that I grew up with, and some that have evolved as I've tried new recipes that become family favorites.  

The kids like having the decorations up, but I'd scale it up or down based on their preferences combined with what I'm willing to do.  My kids love that we have outside lights up, and since they are plain white we leave them up until the end of January, long after we take the Christmas wreath off the front door.  On our rural road with no streetlights, it adds a little cheer to everybody driving home when it gets dark at 5:30, and we like that tradition even though it's not part of the holiday itself.  

We also send a ton of Christmas cards with pictures.  My kids don't like for me to post about them on data-mining social media but they like for our scattered friends and family to know what they are up to.  So, we send a long letter with a handwritten note and pictures on the card, and we get a bunch in return.  Even my parents, who often don't know the kids on the cards, get a kick out of watching our friends' kids grow up, and I find the card connection to be one of my favorite parts of the holiday. 

[NorthernBeth]

4 hours ago, Jaybee said:

How hard would it be to connect intentionally through phone calls or FaceTime with some of the extended relatives? Maybe 1-3 calls per week the month of December. Just touching base means a lot, both to the caller and the recipient.

You know, this is something that just hadn't crossed my mind as I keep up with younger folk this way, but never think to keep in touch with my aunties this way.   Maybe trying to set something up this year would be a good idea.  I haven't seen my favourite auntie in almost 14 years as she lives so far away in California.  

[NorthernBeth]

3 hours ago, lmrich said:

Or how about going a differrent direction - going to an angel tree and picking out a gift for someone in need or putting together a cute basket for the humane society - everyone in your family can pick out something to put in it or even make doggy biscuits.  Or think how you can honor your favorite group or charity.

Visit an old folks home and make gingerbread houses there. 

I love the simple look of luminary candles (white paper bags, sand, candles) lit on Christmas Eve  and lining your driveway. Could be a simple way to start the night. 

New pajamas and a book as a gift on Christmas Eve. 

A family game or a puzzle as gift to play on Christmas Day. 

Start simple and add simple touches - slow and steady. 

You are loved! 

 

Just about started crying when I got to the last bit!  Thank-you!

[Jaybee]

29 minutes ago, NorthernBeth said:

You know, this is something that just hadn't crossed my mind as I keep up with younger folk this way, but never think to keep in touch with my aunties this way.   Maybe trying to set something up this year would be a good idea.  I haven't seen my favourite auntie in almost 14 years as she lives so far away in California.  

That is actually what I was thinking of. I posted earlier this year of calling my aunt to wish her happy birthday this summer. She had just turned 98. To my surprise (from what my mom had led me to expect), she not only knew who I was, but we talked for about an hour and a half! She was quite lucid during the call, and it was so much fun. She appreciated it so much, and I loved hearing her memories--some I knew of, some I didn't. I decided to do more of this, because I have a large extended family, but haven't been able to see my aunts and uncles for years. When I make a call, they are always so glad for it, and it does me a lot of good too.

[City Mouse]

I grew up, and even as an adult, had a mother who forced unwanted and unliked “traditions” on her kids. I reacted by not trying to have “traditions” or at least not being tied to the idea of having to the same thing from year to year, so maybe doing things differently each year is my tradition. I just ask people what they want to do. If there is something I want to do, I just do it without any pressure put on others to participate. 
 

I am not trying to say that you are forcing things on your family. My mother is/ was so way beyond what you are describing.  

Edited November 6, 2022 by City Mouse

[NorthernBeth]

I am not so much thinking of a tradition as:  unwanted ritual that must be done every year like clockwork,  and more like... fun things we often do that help bring fun to the season.   Something joyful to look forward to.   Some of the traditions poeple have shared here are not things that would have crossed my mind, and yet might be things my family would like doing.   I am wanting to add more experience-type traditons to the season, with less focus on gift-giving.   With my son getting older, the presents aren't so often fun things to open and play with, like in in the younger years.  Although I did find myself eyeing robot kits and wondering if he might like one , and if he didn't, would  it be ok to get one just for me?   

Unfortunately,  just asking them what they want to do has not been super successful...... they just generally say they don't know.   That's why I wanted to gather a bunch of ideas up so I could kind of find some that might "fit" us as a family.   

I don't know.. I guess I get tired of every day seeming exactly like the last, and kind of look forward to having some special things to do at this time of year.  I don't need a picture perfect holiday, I would just like to have a little more fun, and was hoping for some ideas my family might find fun too.   

[Rosie_0801]

Have you tried asking what they would tolerate instead of what they want to do?

[Shoeless]

Instead of getting everyone to do One Holiday Themed Thing, can you do something with each child? Maybe one kid likes hiking or another likes making ornaments or baking or wrapping presents.  Instead of struggling to get everyone on board with one single thing, spread the experiences around. 

 

[HomeAgain]

4 hours ago, NorthernBeth said:

 

Unfortunately,  just asking them what they want to do has not been super successful...... they just generally say they don't know.   That's why I wanted to gather a bunch of ideas up so I could kind of find some that might "fit" us as a family.   

I don't know.. I guess I get tired of every day seeming exactly like the last, and kind of look forward to having some special things to do at this time of year.  I don't need a picture perfect holiday, I would just like to have a little more fun, and was hoping for some ideas my family might find fun too.   

I asked my 12yo yesterday after responding, what he liked to do the most during the Christmas season.

I got back, "eat." 😂

Asking didn't get me any answer I wanted.  I felt like I was talking to a kid from The Best Christmas Pageant Ever, who was missing the point of the whole thing in order to focus on one outside detail.

 

I think, though, that I just hit on a keyword up there - focus.  Make your focus something, and then use that to find your footing and fun.  Just center yourself and use it to spread your spokes.  Love, giving, togetherness...anything can be a focus to guide what you want to share with the rest of the family.  And they can feel the love of the choice they have to participate or not, and the happiness radiating off of you doing it anyway.

Two contentious activities here are watching It's A Wonderful Life and Christmas music.

I hate the movie.  With a fiery passion.  I think Mr. Potter should have been caught and gone to prison for felony theft.  I do not watch this movie with my family.  It is more of a tradition that I make snacks or bake in the other room while this is going on.

The Christmas music - dh loves beautiful, classical pieces that are appropriate leading into midnight mass.  I want the ground to shake with Mannheim Steamroller and new classics like The Season's Upon Us from the Dropkick Murphys.  My 12yo is horrified by the ideas presented in it (he's never had a Christmas with extended family 🤣 ) and likes "regular carols".

So we divide and share.  Classical pieces over dinner.  Mannheim blasting from my car.  A right mix during tree trimming with playful arguments about which is best.  My 23yo in charge of creating playlists. 

[Acorn]

@HomeAgain I love the video for The Season’s Upon Us. 

[regentrude]

5 hours ago, NorthernBeth said:

Unfortunately,  just asking them what they want to do has not been super successful...... they just generally say they don't know.   That's why I wanted to gather a bunch of ideas up so I could kind of find some that might "fit" us as a family.   

I don't know.. I guess I get tired of every day seeming exactly like the last, and kind of look forward to having some special things to do at this time of year.  I don't need a picture perfect holiday, I would just like to have a little more fun, and was hoping for some ideas my family might find fun too.   

What things bring *you* joy? Can you just do what *you* are looking forward to, without the expectation about other family members being excited about them?

Can you ask more specific questions than " what do you want?" Rather: would anybody like to come see the Nutcracker with me? Of these five kinds of cookies, which two are your favorites? Do you still care about gi gerbread houses or should we just not do it this year?

I get the loss of extended family holidays; I am an immigrant and have no family in this country besides DH and the (now grown up) kids. I found that I can't make my folks get excited to do xyz, but I can choose to do things that bring me joy. The older the kids got, the more our holidays shifted towards special yummy food and hanging out.

For example,  we celebrate an epic Thanksgiving with friends who call it their absolute favorite holiday tradition. All we do is having a feast and talk. Dinner at 2pm; the last people rise from the table at 9 pm. 

[marbel]

5 hours ago, NorthernBeth said:

Unfortunately,  just asking them what they want to do has not been super successful...... they just generally say they don't know.   That's why I wanted to gather a bunch of ideas up so I could kind of find some that might "fit" us as a family.   

So, if I have this right - and I know I might not - they don't know what they want to do because you haven't really done of any typical Christmas activities/traditions, right? I mean, if they have not been exposed to Christmassy things, then they don't know what they'd like. It's like asking someone who has never eaten a steak "how do you like your steak cooked?" "uh..."

I live in a big metro area that always has lots of stuff going on. I follow a couple of websites that post events and activities, and always check it to see if there's something new going on, or something I've forgotten. A performance of Messiah, a Christmas market, ZooLights, events large and small. Many/most of them are things at least some of us would not like but often I see something that appeals. Or, I'll do something alone or with my daughter.  But if I asked my family, in a general way, what they want to do to celebrate Christmas season, I think my husband and son would  list the foods they look forward to. I don't know where you live of course, but unless you are very rural/out in the middle of nowhere, there must be something going on nearby (nearby being a relative term). They should be showing up on Facebook, Instagram, etc. now. 

BTW @HomeAgainmy 23-year-old is in charge of the playlists too! 

[KungFuPanda]

Do you have a friend group you can tap into for some of these fun seasonal things?  If you just put a few things on the calendar everything will seem more festive. Can you plan a cookie exchange with a group of friends? When you’re making cookies, a member of your household may or may not join you, but you’ll still have the exchange to look forward to. Can you join/start a book club and read a few holiday books to discuss over hot chocolate and snacks? Are there and night hikes through parks with holiday displays? Can you plan a dinner out with an ornament exchange? Can you get tickets to a show?Just being in a group that enjoys the same things can lift your spirits. 
 

You’re going to do some things with your family, but there is no harm in supplementing your holiday magic experience with non-family events. Your holiday needs seem to be a bit higher than those of the people you live with. It’s ok to meet those needs in other ways. 

Edited November 6, 2022 by KungFuPanda

[TexasProud]

Okay here are some ideas:

We would go to the mall's Angel tree and each kid would pick out one that matched their age. We then went Christmas shopping for them and dropped the gifts off.  Absolute favorite of all the kids....well, except when youngest was 2 or 3 and thought she was buying for herself. 🙂 But she grew to love the tradition.

We have a tradition to watch Christmas movies. George C Scott's The Christmas Carol is the one everyone likes. My son and the boys adore Christmas Story, which I can't stand. My daughter and I watch White Christmas which the boys don't care for. (Well, hubby does.) And yeah, maybe Die Hard could count. (Can't remember you kids' ages, nor tolerance for profanity.)

Many years we made Christmas goodies for friends and shut-ins.  Each person had one or two things they always made: one son always made a cookie called mint dreams, my husband made doc's bon bons, I made mini apple spice bundt cakes.  We labeled and individually wrapped each dessert, but you certainly don't have to do that. They would get  a small portion of each dessert/1 mini bundt cake.  

We would always pile in the car and go to a church that does a living nativity. They give you hot cocoa and candy canes at the beginning of it.  You could substitute this for going to see lights. 

Go caroling to shut-ins. 

I like the idea of everyone choosing something to do, but if you have meh responses and they don't care, just choose one of these and do it and see what happens. You might find that they really like something AFTER they do it, not before.

Also, make room for silliness.  For example, for mother's day one year, the kids made a cake for me and iced it with one of those tubes of icing. It said, "Happy Mother's Da"  They ran out of icing before they could put the y.  So now, every year, I get a Happy Mother's Da cake.  So silly, but makes me tear up.  So be on the lookout for things that happen... (Kind of like the This Is Us Thanksgiving tradition-wearing the hat, watching Police Academy 3, etc.)

[ScoutTN]

Seconding some sort of serving or giving in your community. We have friends who serve Christmas Eve dinner at the Rescue Mission (downtown homeless shelter for men) every year, others who serve among refugees, and others who enjoy one of the angel tree projects.

Check out what your city or area had going. When covid and other circumstances eliminated our family’s usual Christmas activities, I went hunting for other things and was pleasantly surprised to find a tremendous variety.

We have been stargazing on the solstice, ice skating, toured the light exhibits at our zoo and our botanical garden, been to a production of A Christmas Carol,  and gone caroling in our neighborhood.

[TexasProud]

2 minutes ago, ScoutTN said:

Seconding some sort of serving or giving in your community. We have friends who serve Christmas Eve dinner at the Rescue Mission (downtown homeless shelter for men) every year, others who serve among refugees, and others who enjoy one of the angel tree projects.

 

Duh...forgot that!!!  One year we decorated ( not Christmas, just regular stuff) a room for a women's shelter: comforters, art for the walls, etc.

[NorthernBeth]

1 hour ago, marbel said:

So, if I have this right - and I know I might not - they don't know what they want to do because you haven't really done of any typical Christmas activities/traditions, right? I mean, if they have not been exposed to Christmassy things, then they don't know what they'd like. It's like asking someone who has never eaten a steak "how do you like your steak cooked?" "uh..."

I live in a big metro area that always has lots of stuff going on.

..... unless you are very rural/out in the middle of nowhere, there must be something going on nearby (nearby being a relative term). They should be showing up on Facebook, Instagram, etc. now. 

BTW @HomeAgainmy 23-year-old is in charge of the playlists too! 

I am about at rural as it gets honestly... small town of about 500 people out in the middle of the wilderness in Northern Ontario.  No road access to the main land.   It would cost me over 1000 to get us to the nearest "big" town of 5000 people. 

I have taken the family to what events exist in our area. 

There are some Christmassy events such as snow sculpture  ( usually done with chain saws, which I don't have as we don't need one for our heating),  a Christmas Eve party with a focus on kids.... which we did when he was younger but he would feel too old for now.   There is a best decorated house competition we could enter?  We do usually go around and check these out everyone's snow sculpture creations, and people's house light displays.

 The school does the Christmas  parade which is probably one of my favouirite things, and as a teacher, I am involved in that every year.  We also do a school concert, which obviously I also do.   

I think as a former city person myself,  I am kind of used to "going" to things as well like you suggest, which I was I was initially a bit flummoxed on how to do it differently.  That is why I was thinking of the concept of traditions more as the idea of things you do, rather than go to. 

While I don't expect a child to generate ideas when they have had limited access to a wide variety of activities,  I definitely think my husband who grew up in a large metropolitan area, might have seen or heard of other people doing Christmassy things that he wished his family would do.   Or seen stuff on TV that he might have thought,  "Hey that looks like fun."   I don't think it is completely bizarre to expect a grown man to have some ideas on what they like to do, and certainly was never of the opinion that I was the only one capable of generating ideas.  Unfortunately,  I find both dh and ds are great at conveying what they DON"T want to do , but not so great at telling me what the DO want to do.   That's why I was trying to grab some ideas from other people--- which they can also say no to, but at least i am starting from a bigger list than the things I happen to like and automatically turn to.

 

I think I am good now, really.    This helped me generate some ideas and to see that we do have some traditions, such as watching certain Christmas movies.    I have some ideas going forward into the holiday season and that's what I needed.
 

Edited November 6, 2022 by NorthernBeth

[NorthernBeth]

1 hour ago, KungFuPanda said:

Do you have a friend group you can tap into for some of these fun seasonal things?  If you just put a few things on the calendar everything will seem more festive. Can you plan a cookie exchange with a group of friends? When you’re making cookies, a member of your household may or may not join you, but you’ll still have the exchange to look forward to. Can you join/start a book club and read a few holiday books to discuss over hot chocolate and snacks? Are there and night hikes through parks with holiday displays? Can you plan a dinner out with an ornament exchange? Can you get tickets to a show?Just being in a group that enjoys the same things can lift your spirits. 
 

You’re going to do some things with your family, but there is no harm in supplementing your holiday magic experience with non-family events. Your holiday needs seem to be a bit higher than those of the people you live with. It’s ok to meet those needs in other ways. 

Yes,   I agree.  I think this is the direction I am going to be heading into.   I know a lot of people have been saying , "Just have fun on your own!" But they missed the part where I am not enjoying being on my own.  But expanding activities to include friends and such   is probably the direction I might have to go.   As I work as a teacher on a First Nations reserve, the other teachers usually go home for Christmas and are not here to hang with.   Local people have huge extended families and are busy with them.  I may need to do more of my in-person socializing before the teachers leave for the holidays. My long-time friends are very far away, although I liked the zoom idea and might try to do some activities over zoom.  I have mixed feelings about zoom. 

Other Ideas I have been thinking of so far are:   Doing a baking club with the kids at school,    Buying some Christmas books to share  ( I don't know why this didn't cross my mind.. we did this when he was little, and they probably won't read them with me, but they would be here and available if they wanted).  I would love to do a cookie exchange but as I am gluten-free that gets a little tricky.  I am trying to think of a way to maybe have a cookie decorating party instead?    I could attempt to do fancy lights this year for the competition.  I would have to buy a bunch more lights, but it is possible my son might help with that.  I am looking at a few Christmassy quilt block patterns that I could do a bit of sewing and turn them into mug rugs or mini ornaments or something, and then I would feel like I was doing something fun even if others were just watching TV or on their computers.    I am eyeing the Lego advent calendars beause we do all love lego... Also thought of buying a fun lego kit and doiing it together before Christmas so it is up and adding to the decorations.  No one in my house likes doing puzzles with me, but one of my son's little cousins is a huge fan, so I might buy some easier puzzles and have them ready to do with him when we see him.   I would like to find another board game we could all enjoy.

I love the calendar idea and was thinking that might be an easy way to create suggestions for the family to see, without me feeling like I am constantly asking and getting told no, which I sort of find depressing after awhile.   I kind of feel a bit like a big , goofy dog surrouned by aloof cats sometimes.   Just looking for what might appeal to my lovable but slightly prickly cats.

Seeing everybody's ideas was helpful to get the creative juices flowing .  I have been deliberatly avoiding things like Pinterest because I didn't want to get sucked into making things look perfect, which will just drive us all crazy and be fun to noone.  

Edited November 6, 2022 by NorthernBeth

[Emba]

We drove around looking at Christmas lights and drinking hot cocoa last year. It was fun. We usually try to look at lights at least once.

i have started buying each kid an ornament that they open on Christmas Eve. 
 

also we watch Christmas movies. Elf is a favorite here, but sometimes we try new ones.

Edited November 6, 2022 by Emba