Funerals, wakes, eulogies, all that stuff

[Amethyst]

***if you're not in a good place to be talking about death, this might not be the place for you***

 

My sister died. That's sad. But that's not what I want to talk about. Are you aware that some families don't do the whole shebang like my family does? My family does the wake one evening, then a funeral Mass the next day, followed by cemetery, followed by a luncheon. The whole shebang. Some people didn't grow up in that kind of tradition. And it makes it hard for them to be supportive of people who grew up in my kind of family. 

To be clear, I hate the whole thing. Not just the death. That's awful. Nobody likes that. But the public mourning. I could do without that. But that's not what my 90 year old parents want. I respect my parents grief, so I'm going along with everything. It doesn't feel like the time to challenge them. But other people who did not grow up in my family tradition want to choose what events, if any, they go to. So be it. I have removed any pressure to attend. But my family will NOT understand. Who needs this on top of everything else? I'm trying so hard to not get sucked into arguments. I'm trying so hard to let adults decide for themselves. So why is person still giving me problems even after I've removed all pressure. Sigh. I hate this so bad.

ETA: Person giving me grief is not my family of origin. It is a person who I have removed all pressure to attend. 

Edited October 27, 2022 by Amethyst

[Starr]

I'm so sorry. Death is enough without people being difficult. 

[pinball]

I’m sorry about your sister. Eternal rest grant unto her and may perpetual light shine upon her

i hope your family finds peace and reassurance in their funeral traditions. 

 

[TexasProud]

I am so, so sorry. 

And grateful that family drama is one thing I do not have at all. My sister and I have had NO issues with anything regarding mom or dad's funeral stuff. Same thing with hubby's family.  There is no family drama.  And for that, I am eternally grateful.  Because yeah, your own grieving is enough. Family drama on top of it is just salt in a wound.  I am really, really sorry. 

[JustEm]

I'm sorry for your lose. 

If you don't expect them to go to all events then what are they arguing about?

If dh we're to dies before me, his parents, and his siblings then I'll be dealing with lots of family drama. I have zero interest in the whole shebang but his family will expect it. I won't fight them on it, but I will not be paying for it and will not be planning any of it other than readings, songs, and who gives the eulogy.

[Amethyst]

When this person's own mother died (whom they loved dearly and calls her a "saint" and best person in the world) they only had a small graveside service. Same when their aunt and uncle died. No funerals. This person hates pomp and ceremony of any kind. Graduations - hates them. Weddings  - just go to the J of P and be done with it. This person is very consistent in despising ceremony. I happen to like wedding and graduations, but I've been very understanding of their different worldview. So, why can't they accommodate me? 

[Amethyst]

Just now, hjffkj said:

I'm sorry for your lose. 

If you don't expect them to go to all events then what are they arguing about?

If dh we're to dies before me, his parents, and his siblings then I'll be dealing with lots of family drama. I have zero interest in the whole shebang but his family will expect it. I won't fight them on it, but I will not be paying for it and will not be planning any of it other than readings, songs, and who gives the eulogy.

Y'know one of the tragic things is that my sister didn't want a funeral. She was raised Catholic like the rest of us, but was more open than any of us that she was no longer Catholic. Only one of the 9 siblings to NOT get married in the Church. She knew death was coming, and apparently discussed it with her husband, and a few weeks before her death, I was told that there would be no funeral, and that we should all be supportive of her husband's wishes. Suddenly, day after her death, announcement that there's the whole shebang. I'm assuming her husband caved to the pressure from my parents. 

[TexasProud]

3 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

I'm sorry for your lose. 

If you don't expect them to go to all events then what are they arguing about?

I think it is the fact that SHE doesn't feel supported when she supported their choices.  But more than that, her parents will not understand and it will upset them.  ( I think.  OP, correct me if I am wrong.)

[Kassia]

I'm sorry for your loss and for the circumstances around it that make a difficult time even harder.  

[Amethyst]

4 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

 

If you don't expect them to go to all events then what are they arguing about?

 

I'm puzzled by this too. Frustrated beyond belief. This person has gripes against my family, some legitimate (but small), some not legitimate but they are to this person. This person can't seem to get over their trapped priors and just be supportive of me. Or not. Don't be supportive - stay home. I really don't care. But mention my family, and all the previous petty complaints come pouring out. 

[Amethyst]

3 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I think it is the fact that SHE doesn't feel supported when she supported their choices.  But more than that, her parents will not understand and it will upset them.  ( I think.  OP, correct me if I am wrong.)

That's partly it. I'm not even sure what feeling supported means. I'm not prostrate with grief. I'm sorry that sounds cold. Just trying to express myself. I'm sad about her death, but it was not sudden. And we were unfortunately not close. Not a bad relationship, just...barely there. So, I've told this person to go or not go. Whatever. I can handle the grief. And knowing how this person feels about my family might actually be more stressful to me than if they just stayed home (though I'm not phrasing it that way). But yes, there is the small petty part of me that wants this person to be seen in a good light by my family. And that means showing up. But I've removed all pressure. So, whatever. My family won't cause drama over it. It's my person causing the problems. 

[JustEm]

16 minutes ago, Amethyst said:

I'm puzzled by this too. Frustrated beyond belief. This person has gripes against my family, some legitimate (but small), some not legitimate but they are to this person. This person can't seem to get over their trapped priors and just be supportive of me. Or not. Don't be supportive - stay home. I really don't care. But mention my family, and all the previous petty complaints come pouring out. 

I'm sorry that must be difficult.

[Amethyst]

oh man. i can't i really really can't. now the demands from my family. wake is scheduled for 6:00 tonight. But was told yesterday, as a sibling I have to be there by 5:30. why? i don't know. ceremony, i guess. And now just got a text that the siblings are all 'processing in' before the Mass, so must be there at 9:30 instead of just before 10:00 mass. This just adds fuel to the fire of my person who doesn't want to go at all, but willing to go to be supportive but then get more and more and more demands. AAAAHHHH. I want to go hide. I want to run away from ALL of them. I don't want to indulge all my parents' whims. I'm an adult. Stop telling me what to do!!!! Showing up to church is enough. I haven't been in 5 years, but i'm trying to indulge them. But it tears me in two because the other person wants NOTHING. AHHHHAAAHHAHAHA

[Amethyst]

Ok i'm done. no ranting. i'll stop now. moderator can lock if you want. I'm just so alone

[happi duck]

Sorry for your loss

[TexasProud]

I am so sorry.  Very difficult.  Very, very difficult.

[pinball]

5 minutes ago, Amethyst said:

oh man. i can't i really really can't. now the demands from my family. wake is scheduled for 6:00 tonight. But was told yesterday, as a sibling I have to be there by 5:30. why? i don't know. ceremony, i guess. And now just got a text that the siblings are all 'processing in' before the Mass, so must be there at 9:30 instead of just before 10:00 mass. This just adds fuel to the fire of my person who doesn't want to go at all, but willing to go to be supportive but then get more and more and more demands. AAAAHHHH. I want to go hide. I want to run away from ALL of them. I don't want to indulge all my parents' whims. I'm an adult. Stop telling me what to do!!!! Showing up to church is enough. I haven't been in 5 years, but i'm trying to indulge them. But it tears me in two because the other person wants NOTHING. AHHHHAAAHHAHAHA

I’m really sorry. 
 

Sometimes, family meets at the funeral home early to have some privacy alone for the first viewing. Maybe that’s why 530?

as for the person giving you stress…I hope it isn’t your husband. I’m trying to think of someone you’re close enough too that would upset you this much?

[Amethyst]

3 minutes ago, pinball said:

I’m really sorry. 
 

Sometimes, family meets at the funeral home early to have some privacy alone for the first viewing. Maybe that’s why 530?

as for the person giving you stress…I hope it isn’t your husband. I’m trying to think of someone you’re close enough too that would upset you this much?

There is no viewing. She was cremated. It's probably so my mom can line us all up like we're little children for some sort of receiving line. 

[Danae]

Your person is being an ass.  I’m sorry. 

[fraidycat]

I'm sorry for all the stress and drama and I'm sorry for your loss. 

[Frances]

I’m so sorry for your loss and all of the added stress. When my dad, who was a lifelong devout Catholic, died we had the whole shebang also, per his wishes. Having not been a practicing Catholic for 25 years, and operating on very little sleep due to doing the majority of nighttime hospice duty, it was quite difficult for me at times. There were points at which I just imagined the whole thing was an elaborate play and I just had to play my assigned part. It actually helped me get through it.

We also did the family receiving line which was overwhelming for me at times because everyone recognized me, but I didn’t recognize many of them. Fortunately, we were able to take turns leaving the line and taking a break in the kitchen or outside. And one very pleasant surprise was the numerous high school friends with whom I was not in touch who came to the wake and/or funeral. 

i hope you will be able to find some peace and moments of beauty during the events. My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time.

[Starr]

Sending some love your way. 

[mlktwins]

I'm so sorry for your loss!!!

I'm also sorry that your sister's wishes are not being upheld and that you are dealing with all this extra stress and worry.

Not knowing my mom's wishes, back in 2001, I planned the whole she-bang, but I'm not sure that is what she would have wanted.  My in-laws both passed 17 days apart last spring (2021) and they are Catholic and would have wanted the whole she-bang, but we didn't go that route because of Covid. We had a church service for each with just immediate family and was televised so people across the country could participate. A month later we did a committal service at the cemetery (outside) and people could come if they wanted. We were super Covid conscious at the time so we weren't hosting people at our house or eating out anywhere.  We did get a lot pressure from their living siblings though and it was very stressful. They had not just dealt with the nightmare couple of months of a swift decline of both parents though and we did what we could deal with at the time.  My dad is still here, but not in great shape. It is me that would have to plan everything. I'm sure his siblings won't travel here (they live across country) and dad didn't maintain a lot of his friendships. I'm just planning a graveside service with my family and burial. I've decided I won't be pressured into anything.

It is super hard when you are already grieving to have to deal with all the extra!

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

My family does the whole shebang for like three days. They think having calling hours and a funeral on the same day is blasphemy. And at least 3 lunches.

DH’s family, based on his grandparents’ deaths that I was involved with the family for, involved cremation and an urn appearing on someone’s fireplace.  His one grandmother had absolutely no services; the other had an hour of calling hours.

It’s been a problem. The last death was my grandfather and DH gamely survived the funeral and then left.  He can’t fathom how we do things. But we’ve had to come to some compromises and even though my family doesn’t understand, they haven’t said much.

[Bambam]

4 hours ago, Amethyst said:

***if you're not in a good place to be talking about death, this might not be the place for you***

 

My sister died. That's sad. But that's not what I want to talk about. Are you aware that some families don't do the whole shebang like my family does? My family does the wake one evening, then a funeral Mass the next day, followed by cemetery, followed by a luncheon. The whole shebang. Some people didn't grow up in that kind of tradition. And it makes it hard for them to be supportive of people who grew up in my kind of family. 

To be clear, I hate the whole thing. Not just the death. That's awful. Nobody likes that. But the public mourning. I could do without that. But that's not what my 90 year old parents want. I respect my parents grief, so I'm going along with everything. It doesn't feel like the time to challenge them. But other people who did not grow up in my family tradition want to choose what events, if any, they go to. So be it. I have removed any pressure to attend. But my family will NOT understand. Who needs this on top of everything else? I'm trying so hard to not get sucked into arguments. I'm trying so hard to let adults decide for themselves. So why is person still giving me problems even after I've removed all pressure. Sigh. I hate this so bad.

ETA: Person giving me grief is not my family of origin. It is a person who I have removed all pressure to attend. 

What? Someone who isn't part of the family is giving you grief because of the family traditions of the funeral? That is just tacky. It is rare that the funeral events are to the entire family's 'taste'/approval, but you make compromises (all) to get the best options for the family and the money available. I simply cannot imagine anyone complaining about that.  You go along with it. You do what you can and don't worry about what you can't. There is enough stress involved in a death/funeral/etc without anyone else adding any more. 

 

[teachermom2834]

When I was growing up (Italian Catholic up north) the whole thing was such a big deal. When my grandparents died there were two full days of wakes with a morning session and an afternoon session followed by the funeral mass the next day. But it was weird because as sad as the occasion was you could tell everyone really enjoyed the ritual. It was a big family/neighborhood reunion. Definitely deep rooted cultural thing.

About 30 years ago my siblings and I and my parents all moved south and there is not that Italian Catholic culture. When my mom died it was simple and I thought many times what a relief it was not to have to do the week long event we would have had if we had never left our community up north. One day of event is enough for closure even for my dad who grew up with the whole she-bang.

Sorry you are dealing with this. 
 

 

[Hilltopmom]

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
I’m a person who did nothing for my own child’s death- no calling hours, no funeral, no memorial service or lunches. (Just a quiet cremation)

But- if someone close to me wanted me to go with them to do all that, I would. I wouldn’t want to, but I would. 

[Innisfree]

I’m so sorry, both for the loss of your sister and for the extra, unnecessary stress your person is subjecting you to. If there’s ever a time to be quiet and let family do things the way they find appropriate, this is it.

[MercyA]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. ❤️

[wintermom]

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the uncomfortable situation you've been put in by this person.  I guess, looking at the bright side, having a schedule and knowing exactly what to do - where and when to show up - adds clarity.  People know what's going on, and they can show up or not.

My father passed away suddenly 7 months ago, and because of COVID there was no service at all. He was cremated and due to the winter weather and suddenness of the death, my mom delayed having any ceremony. My mother and father both did not want a large, public funeral to begin with, so it actually worked well within the COVID situation, where people's expectations of "the whole shebang" was already tempered. We didn't have to make a lot of detailed explanations to people about why there wasn't going to be a funeral service. I think it would have been quite awkward, as people do tend to expect there to be some kind of service to attend. 

Looking back now, after some perspective, I think it's better to have "something" in place. Having almost nothing, other than a small take-out meal with immediate family for my father to "mark" his passing, made it seem a little unreal. Extended family and friends had no opportunity to pay their respects to my mom, share memories and stories, and simply hug one another.

[Lawyer&Mom]

My mom died this spring, and being vehemently ex-Catholic wanted nothing.    Nothing.  We eventually went against her wishes and had a small party celebrating her, but she didn’t even want that.  It makes me sad.  I didn’t get the ritual to help me process her death.  Growing up we had already replaced the church with the funeral home but we always had at least open casket wakes.  I would have liked some of that tradition.    As a culture we seem to make it all about what the dead person wanted and not what everyone else needs.  

[teachermom2834]

2 hours ago, Lawyer&Mom said:As a culture we seem to make it all about what the dead person wanted and not what everyone else needs.  

This is interesting. My mom died at 64 after a very brief illness and it was very traumatic for all of us. She was a Christian but had no church. The rest of us are Catholic with my dad extremely active in his Catholic parish. My mom never went. She was pretty anti-Catholic.

But she always said she didn’t care what we did with her. So we had a Catholic funeral at my dad’s church. And we laughed a little because she would have rolled her eyes at it. But we were the ones it was for and it was in our space with our people. She would have thought it was dumb but like she said- she didn’t care. It was helpful for us. 

[Frances]

2 hours ago, Lawyer&Mom said:

My mom died this spring, and being vehemently ex-Catholic wanted nothing.    Nothing.  We eventually went against her wishes and had a small party celebrating her, but she didn’t even want that.  It makes me sad.  I didn’t get the ritual to help me process her death.  Growing up we had already replaced the church with the funeral home but we always had at least open casket wakes.  I would have liked some of that tradition.    As a culture we seem to make it all about what the dead person wanted and not what everyone else needs.  

But how could you possibly please all family and friends and meet all of their likely disparate needs? Making it about what the dead person wanted means you only have to do what one person wants.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom.

[regentrude]

I am sorry for your loss and for the extra trouble you have appeasing everyone. 

But I am also sorry that apparently your sister's wishes are not honored. 

[regentrude]

3 hours ago, Lawyer&Mom said:

My mom died this spring, and being vehemently ex-Catholic wanted nothing.    Nothing.  We eventually went against her wishes and had a small party celebrating her, but she didn’t even want that.  It makes me sad.  I didn’t get the ritual to help me process her death.  Growing up we had already replaced the church with the funeral home but we always had at least open casket wakes.  I would have liked some of that tradition.    As a culture we seem to make it all about what the dead person wanted and not what everyone else needs.  

I think if a person doesn't want to be an exhibit and have their corpse looked at, that should be theirs to decide. A person's dignity shouldn't stop with death. 

[happi duck]

3 hours ago, regentrude said:

I think if a person doesn't want to be an exhibit and have their corpse looked at, that should be theirs to decide. A person's dignity shouldn't stop with death. 

This was one of the ways my dad's wishes weren't honored.  I was "out voted".  It still hurts.

[marbel]

13 hours ago, teachermom2834 said:

But she always said she didn’t care what we did with her. So we had a Catholic funeral at my dad’s church. And we laughed a little because she would have rolled her eyes at it. But we were the ones it was for and it was in our space with our people. She would have thought it was dumb but like she said- she didn’t care. It was helpful for us. 

My mother was similar. She had been Catholic during the years she was married to my father, though she had been raised Protestant. After he died, she went to church some, but never belonged to one. She left no instructions for after her death, except that she wanted to be cremated and her ashes put with my father's. So, we had a funeral at my Presbyterian church. My husband and I planned it out. My siblings and their kids flew in but had no input into the arrangements; they didn't want to give any.  

I agree that the funeral is for the living, not the person who has died. I believe that the deceased person does not care at that point. I know that my mother would have wanted what gave her family the most comfort, and I'm pretty sure most people would be the same. I think it's lovely if someone makes plans for their own funeral/memorial and/or states specific wishes (I have asked for a specific hymn to be played in a specific way) but I think it is a bit cruel to instruct a family to do absolutely nothing to acknowledge their passing. 

OP, I am sorry for your loss and the stress you are experiencing. 

[regentrude]

3 hours ago, marbel said:

I agree that the funeral is for the living, not the person who has died. I believe that the deceased person does not care at that point. I know that my mother would have wanted what gave her family the most comfort, and I'm pretty sure most people would be the same. I think it's lovely if someone makes plans for their own funeral/memorial and/or states specific wishes (I have asked for a specific hymn to be played in a specific way) but I think it is a bit cruel to instruct a family to do absolutely nothing to acknowledge their passing.

While the bolded may scientifically be correct, we (society) feel bound to honor a person's wishes after their death in many different ways. We consider their decision how to distribute their possessions and money after death a legally binding document and have set up an entire court system dedicated to handling that. We let them decide whether to donate their organs. Does anybody think it is right to use the argument "deceased=does not care" for deciding to give away body parts of a person who strongly felt that they did not wish to donate?

My mother is a very private person who abhors any kind of public spectacle. She has made it clear she wants a small service with only the immediate family. I can't imagine going against her wishes and having a large funeral with hundred attendees, or, heaven forbid, displaying her dead body in an open casket for all to gawk at - she would despise the very notion so much. I do not think my wish for ritual trumps hers for her departure.

I also do not think not wanting a funeral means not letting the family acknowledge their passing. There are many other ways to honor a loved one's memory and create a ritual for mourning; it doesn't have to be the tradition the deceased expressly stated they do.not.want.

 

Edited October 28, 2022 by regentrude

[Lawyer&Mom]

17 hours ago, regentrude said:

I think if a person doesn't want to be an exhibit and have their corpse looked at, that should be theirs to decide. A person's dignity shouldn't stop with death. 

I’m not saying we should have overruled my mom’s wishes.  I’m just lamenting the loss of communal mourning rituals.  Open caskets was our families tradition.  (We are Irish Catholic.) I think something is lost by abandoning these traditions.  Seeing my great-grandmother in her casket was my first exposure to death.  My children have lost three great-grandparents and one grandparent, and they have still never seen a dead person.  I think that’s unfortunate.  I would have liked them to have had that experience before they lose a parent.  I think some of these grandparents weren’t really against the idea of a funeral as much as they thought they were doing us a favor by not having us make a fuss.  And I think that’s shortsighted.  

[Frances]

1 hour ago, Lawyer&Mom said:

I’m not saying we should have overruled my mom’s wishes.  I’m just lamenting the loss of communal mourning rituals.  Open caskets was our families tradition.  (We are Irish Catholic.) I think something is lost by abandoning these traditions.  Seeing my great-grandmother in her casket was my first exposure to death.  My children have lost three great-grandparents and one grandparent, and they have still never seen a dead person.  I think that’s unfortunate.  I would have liked them to have had that experience before they lose a parent.  I think some of these grandparents weren’t really against the idea of a funeral as much as they thought they were doing us a favor by not having us make a fuss.  And I think that’s shortsighted.  

Couldn’t you have taken them to view the bodies, unless they were cremated? Usually funeral homes allowing private viewing times for families.

I will say that when my dad passed, seeing his body in the casket at the wake and funeral was the only thing that really upset me, as it just didn’t look like him. It was a huge relief when they closed the casket right before the funeral. I was there with him when he died and I grew up attending tons of open casket wakes, but it was still upsetting to me. Personally, I’m not wishing that on any young child.

Edited October 28, 2022 by Frances

[pinball]

If you don’t specify an open casket beforehand, the body might not be prepared with hair styled and makeup. The body will just be embalmed.

you can specify an open casket for family prior to a wake but usually that is done ahead of time.

[Lawyer&Mom]

2 hours ago, Frances said:

Couldn’t you have taken them to view the bodies, unless they were cremated? Usually funeral homes allowing private viewing times for families.

I will say that when my dad passed, seeing his body in the casket at the wake and funeral was the only thing that really upset me, as it just didn’t look like him. It was a huge relief when they closed the casket right before the funeral. I was there with him when he died and I grew up attending tons of open casket wakes, but it was still upsetting to me. Personally, I’m not wishing that on any young child.

All of the grandparents were immediately cremated.  As a kid it was wake after wake, but this generation nope. 

[Wheres Toto]

I hate open caskets.  The  deceased never looks the way they did in life and I find it very disturbing.  

Memorial services or small gatherings without any kind of viewing or wake or internment or anything involving the body, seem more common these days.   

[Frances]

3 hours ago, Lawyer&Mom said:

All of the grandparents were immediately cremated.  As a kid it was wake after wake, but this generation nope. 

Honestly, I find it a positive development. I didn’t have a problem seeing my dad in his home after he passed or being with him as he died. But he looked totally fake and artificial in his open casket and it was just plain disturbing. My adult son has never been to an open casket wake or funeral and I don’t see anything he has missed or is missing. He’s been with his grandfathers and other elderly people near the end of their lives. He understood death and dying at a relatively young age despite never seeing a dead body as a child.

I certainly want to be cremated, both due to the financial aspect of open caskets and funerals, and the burial space aspect. And if possible, I will donate my body to science, so yet another reason why I would never want to be in an open casket or actually any casket at all. It honestly just seems wasteful to me, although of course I respect that others, including my parents, feel differently.

[KungFuPanda]

I JUST went through this type of family funeral. It was a cousin, not my FOO.  There was the wake one evening; family met earlier. The funeral and luncheon was the next afternoon. Family went earlier and family was removed from the sanctuary when the casket was closed. 
 

We actually planned the trip home a month earlier. It was going to be just for fun, but my cousin died just before we left. It was a lot. I ended up doing the extra family stuff with my mom while Dh and DS did a scaled back version and followed the abbreviated friends and acquaintances schedule. It worked for us, but nobody complained about it. 

[Amethyst]

My person did great and was very supportive, I’m happy to report. At the last minute, my person decided to travel with me to attend all the events. This person hates staying overnight anywhere so that alone can be an issue. But never complained. 
 

I hate public mourning. 
 

Why would anyone be cremated and then bury the ashes? It was a beautiful blue marble box, but I’ve only ever associated ashes with scattering, or an urn on mantlepiece. That just seems weird to me. But, whatever. 
 

I was sooooo careful the whole two days. Only person in receiving line wearing a mask. Of the 300 mourners coming through the line, inly about 6 had masks on. I wore it in church the following day, and sat somewhat separate from others. And then. Erg. At the luncheon, I faced pressure not to wear it at the restaurant since I’d have to take it off to eat. But I got stuck in the middle of a bench seat where I couldn’t get out easily and sat next to a cousin with a slight cough. And the food was soo slow arriving. I should have worn my mask. If I get sick, I’ll be so mad. 

[Kassia]

@AmethystI'm glad it's over and your person was cooperative.  I hope you don't get sick.

Most people I know who have been cremated have been buried.  Some are in cemeteries with special sections for cremated remains and they are in walls where the ashes are placed instead of in the ground.  I know very few people who have been scattered - that's what DH and I want though. 

 

Oh,  here's a link to the walls I mentioned before - they are mausoleums with niches - https://catholic-cemeteries.org/cremation-burial/

 

  

[regentrude]

34 minutes ago, Amethyst said:

Why would anyone be cremated and then bury the ashes? It was a beautiful blue marble box, but I’ve only ever associated ashes with scattering, or an urn on mantlepiece. That just seems weird to me. But, whatever. 

Glad your person was supportive.

I am from Germany where cremated remains are buried in a special part of the cemetery in smaller graves, or stored in a columbarium. Scattering is not permitted.

Edited October 29, 2022 by regentrude

[Amethyst]

Interesting to learn about the cremated remains. I never knew this. 
 

Her remains were not placed in anything like those in the link. When my parents bought their own plots, they bought 4 plots. Two for them, 1 for oldest sister who never married, never had kids, and who still lives with them. I can only assume they bought the fourth one because this sister married “later”?? (in her early 40’s). Dad is pretty organized so maybe they discussed it with her before she met the man she eventually married. 
 

PS. My sister’s widower suggests that everyone write down your passwords or somehow let your spouse know how to access you passwords. 

[Storygirl]

My grandmother and aunt were cremated over 30 years ago and the cremains were buried, so it's been a thing for a long time. We have no desire to see or scatter any ashes. My dad bought one burial plot, which can be used for two sets of cremains, so he will be there with my mom (who died and was cremated last year), one day. It's nice to have a grave site and memorial stone to visit.

I'm sorry for your loss and for the added stress of the family expectations.