I am so dumb and make things worse for DD :(

[MercyA]

So, we had a church youth activity tonight. There was a game in which kids were supposed to grab a ballon out of a bag and blow it up. DD did not want to reach into a bag full of handled balloons and then put one in her mouth. Fine with me. She went on the swings to watch. I didn't know what had happened, I just came out and saw her on the swings not playing the game. She told me why and i said, well, at least go watch. So she went up closer and the Youth Pastor said, "Oh, DD, you want to try after all?" She said something to the effect of no, I'll just watch, the balloons in the bag are germy. Pastor said, just open a fresh bag. So she did and they assigned her to a team. Trouble was, she couldn't get a balloon blow up. She'd never done it; we have an electric balloon inflator we use. There's another life skill I forgot. Blowing up balloons and then running with the them was the point of the game. So, she tried and tried some more and ultimately made her team lose the game. Two of the teachers were trying to "coach" her but that obviously made it more obvious.

I feel terrible. I worry that her church friends are going to think she's odd and inept and a germophobe too. If I had just let her be, none of it would have happened. I feel like I've damaged her social prospects.

Am I blowing this out of proportion? Is it as bad as it seems? I had 1.5 hours of nitroxous oxide today. Am I still loopy?

Help. 😞 And don't quote please.

Edited September 1, 2022 by MercyA

[Tanaqui]

I'm sure this ONE incident is not going to damage anything. And even if it did - honestly, does your daughter really want and need to be friends with people who are going to obsess over whether or not she knows how to blow up balloons?

Though, if you want my balloon-blowing-up tip: Stretch them out a few times before you try blowing them up!

I learned how to do this as a kid SOLELY because I had *also* learned how to stick a pin in a blown-up balloon without popping it* and I did that over and over for months before I got bored of it. My parents just let me do it, probably figuring, I think correctly, that anything was worth it if it got me over my fear of balloons popping. Now that I think about it, they were really very considerate of the fact that they routinely got their fingers pricked throwing the balloons out. I should tell my mother thank you for that.

* Don't blow it up quite all the way. There should be a little bit of slack on the end opposite the knot. Wet that end a teensy bit, pinch it, then stick the needle or pin through.

[catz]

Gently, yes, you are totally blowing this out of proportion.  It's not unreasonable to be thinking about germs during a pandemic, especially when lots of young kids can hardly remember the time before that.  

Every kid is going to have situations like this where they aren't the best at something or they're new at something.  Teaching your kid it's ok to try and fail and not make a big deal of it and move on are great life lessons.  Learning how to practice and get better at something is a life lesson too.  Maybe she will want to or maybe she won't.  Learning to be able not to be riled by other kids is also a great life skill to practice.

I would hope bullying wouldn't be tolerated at all in a church setting.

[Catwoman]

I don't think you did anything wrong at all, and I'm sure the other kids won't even remember it. The important thing is, your dd tried something new, instead of sitting on the sidelines. That's kind of a big deal, even if it didn't end all that well. And honestly, I think the kids would have thought she was a little weird if she hadn't joined in. I think her social prospects are just fine! 

Try not to beat yourself up over this. I mean, I would be second-guessing myself, too, but that's just because I'm such a worrier, so I do understand why you're feeling like it's all your fault that things didn't go well for your dd tonight -- but truly, it isn't your fault, and it's probably already been forgotten by the other kids. I think you actually did the right thing in getting your dd to move closer to the action, and I think she did the right thing by joining in the activity, even though she didn't know what she was doing. Next time, she will know! 🙂  

[Shoeless]

You didn't make anything worse. These are things that happen and will keep happening in her life. There will be a day when she's the only one that doesn't know who the most popular singer is, what is the hottest show on tv, what was the latest movie, etc.  I never knew what the latest and greatest was growing up, (long story), and lucked upon a friend that said "You don't know what breakdancing is?! Oh man, let me show you!" (Yes, I am that old). 

Teach her how to move through those moments with confidence and humor instead of panic and worry. It will be ok 🙂 

[Kassia]

Oh, I totally understand how you feel and would feel the same way.  I know there are many many things my kids didn't know when they went out in the world that they weren't exposed to or taught for one reason or another.  But no one can know *everything* and I'm sure she knows things that other kids don't.  We do the best we can!  You're a great mom and a great role model to her.  She'll figure the rest out.  I do understand though that feeling of letting them down because we didn't teach them this or that and it seems so obvious at the time they should have known all those things.  But we absolutely can't teach them everything and they will learn as they grow and age.  

Edited September 1, 2022 by Kassia

[Ausmumof3]

I can see that happening in our house too, sometimes we do the best we can to encourage participation and it still doesn’t work out. You did the best you could with the information you had. On the plus side, the pastor listened to her concerns and gave her options instead of being dismissive and people tried to help her learn. It’s nice they are showing respect instead of being dismissive. And now you know balloon blowing up is a skill to learn. 

My kids do have these kind of experiences from time to time, where they don’t know the latest movie, or don’t know something that school kids think is obvious. But on the flip side when we have kids here they often don’t have a clue about shutting gates, managing animals etc etc. 
 

We all have stuff to learn from each other and as long as we’re respectful about it everyone wins.

Also I think it’s great she participated without knowing. It’s so easy to be self conscious and not do new things because we don’t want to look stupid - being game to get in and give new things a go is a life skill, and a much more important one than blowing up balloons!

Edited September 1, 2022 by Ausmumof3

[Katy]

Not a big deal. You did nothing wrong. 

[HomeAgain]

Oldest ds was in high school when we got an envelope in the mail that he had self-addressed as part of a response from his school.  That part of his actions were correct.  However,  he had gotten the numbers in our address wrong, didn't have the right zip code, and spelled the street wrong.  He just hadn't bothered to memorize it.  And to tell you how bad this was, the kid's address was very similar to 123 Sesame Street.  It is only by the grace of a wonderful postal worker that the important information the envelope contained even made it to our house.

Since, the Air Force has realized that not knowing how to address an envelope is something that a lot of younger people struggle with.  DS had a class on how to address envelopes in basic training and the 'family packet' his unit sent over to us had the same instructions.

In another part of my life, my sister nearly failed kindergarten because she didn't know how to skip.  It was just assumed that kids knew how, so when she didn't, it was a skill failure and she couldn't be passed.  Nobody had taught her.  In 3 minutes she was skipping just fine.

I'm telling you this because there are just skills that slip through the cracks and kids learn them at different times.  It's not a failure or something that is a huge issue.  It's just things we haven't come across yet.

 

[Terabith]

I am 46 years old and I cannot tie balloons. There’s actually a weird number of things like that I struggle with.  It’s kinda annoying, but it’s rarely interfered with my life.  

[Danae]

25 minutes ago, HomeAgain said:

 

In another part of my life, my sister nearly failed kindergarten because she didn't know how to skip.  It was just assumed that kids knew how, so when she didn't, it was a skill failure and she couldn't be passed.  Nobody had taught her.  In 3 minutes she was skipping just fine.

 

 

When I was five years old I got marked down on the kindergarten readiness test because I had never been taught to skip.  34 years later my mom made sure to teach my kids to skip because she still remembered.  I don’t remember it actually happening, I just remember it as a funny family story. So @MercyA, teach your grandkids to blow up balloons and all will be well.

[Scarlett]

Awwww.  @Mercy it is heartbreaking when we feel we have failed our children.  But you have not actually failed her.  This is life and I am impressed she tried a new thing. Praise her for that.  

[J-rap]

Your encouraging her to come back and watch wasn't out of line at all.  You couldn't have anticipated that the youth pastor would open a new bag and encourage her to blow up a balloon.  This is just life, and things like this happen to everyone all the time, no matter how much we know and how prepared we are.  Besides, it's easier to learn to take this stuff lightly and laugh a little at yourself when you're young.

[73349]

Approximately seven billion people cannot blow up a balloon. Seriously not an important skill unless you aspire to clown school.

Avoiding germs *is* an important skill, and she made good choices.

Every kid in that group has something they aren't good at that the others will see, or already have seen. Some of them aren't coordinated enough to be helpful in other events, like a 3-legged race or cornhole. Some of them are terrible at drawing or even coloring. Some of them blurt out answers instead of waiting quietly. If the group is run well, the kids are learning to accept, love, and help each other.

Edited September 2, 2022 by 73349

[SKL]

Agreeing that it's just a life experience.  As long as nobody bullied her (or does so in the future), this will be water under the bridge before the NO is out of your system.  🙂

[MercyA]

Thank you all so much. I love you guys. 

I am not aware of anyone being unkind to her about it. 

I feel better this morning. It's just...DD is so kind and wise and smart and funny but sometimes she is also a bit odd, not just in this situation but in others. And that's okay, and I know that! It's just now that she is older, the oddness seems to matter more. I worry about people's perceptions. I know I shouldn't. 

Please don't quote this part.

[Ann.without.an.e]

I don't think this will be a traumatic core memory that she will be crying about with her therapist one day. I think you're ok ❤️  It is so hard to know when to step in and help and when to let them figure it out, isn't it? Seeing them muddle along is hard, as mamas we want to fix it for them. You know she is kind, funny, and smart and if only others could see that? Hang in there and try not to overthink it or worry. I think all parents have those moments where they realize their kiddo missed something pretty basic and panic haha. There are a lot of things to know and learn in life and missing a thing or two is inevitable. Maybe look at it as a chance to learn a new skill together 🙂 

Edited September 1, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[heartlikealion]

In Covid times I don't think anyone will think it was that weird. In fact, I think it's weird they chose that game LOL. I'm on the germaphobe side so there's that, too. 

Blowing up balloons can be difficult. Sometimes I struggle and I'm an adult! You can practice at home with her, but it may be something that will take time. I own a hand held balloon pump. I've had to blow up pool toys and help at school events with balloons. I don't know if anyone told her to stretch the balloon beforehand? 

Don't stress over it. Just apologize to her and reassure her. 

Teams lose games all the time. Adding time limits and stuff can make it even harder on someone. Remember the old Nickelodeon show Double Dare where you just know the team is freaking out because this one family member cannot find that stupid flag in that pile of slush/slime/etc. Maybe show her a clip lol 

[prairiewindmomma]

I feel like there are a lot of underlying mental assumptions being made.....and I think maybe it might be good to ponder why your brain jumped to some of those.....

1. Why is a (stupid) balloon game relevant to why your dd will succeed socially at church?

2. Why is how socially connected she is to youth at church relevant to her overall life success?

3. Why do you think what you did or didn't teach dd reflects directly on you in exact correlation?

4. Why did you jump to self-loathing thoughts when things went awkwardly for dd?

Maybe she's odd and awkward and a germaphobe.  Let's assume all of those "horrible" things are true.  So what?!! There are plenty of odd and awkward and germaphobic people in the world. Honestly, I think sometimes there are no normal people at all; we're just combinations of different odd behaviors. It really concerns me that you went to feeling "terrible" and as if you had "damaged her social prospects". I feel like you've put a lot of pressure on yourself and your dd with this small social situation and that just doesn't seem right.  Perhaps reframe all of this and put it into context? Hugs...

 

[Elizabeth86]

6 hours ago, Terabith said:

I am 46 years old and I cannot tie balloons. There’s actually a weird number of things like that I struggle with.  It’s kinda annoying, but it’s rarely interfered with my life.  

Me too! 
 

op I would feel the same, but you are fine!! I get so embarrassed when my 9 and 10 year old sons tie their shoes around people because for whatever reason they are REALLY bad at it. 🤣 Among many other things. Somehow my little daughters are very independent and capable, but my 2 big boys, like every phase of their life I’ve had to make this effort to say hey guys you all are big enough to do this for yourselves. 

[KSera]

15 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

I feel like there are a lot of underlying mental assumptions being made.....and I think maybe it might be good to ponder why your brain jumped to some of those.....

1. Why is a (stupid) balloon game relevant to why your dd will succeed socially at church?

2. Why is how socially connected she is to youth at church relevant to her overall life success?

3. Why do you think what you did or didn't teach dd reflects directly on you in exact correlation?

4. Why did you jump to self-loathing thoughts when things went awkwardly for dd?

Maybe she's odd and awkward and a germaphobe.  Let's assume all of those "horrible" things are true.  So what?!! There are plenty of odd and awkward and germaphobic people in the world. Honestly, I think sometimes there are no normal people at all; we're just combinations of different odd behaviors. It really concerns me that you went to feeling "terrible" and as if you had "damaged her social prospects". I feel like you've put a lot of pressure on yourself and your dd with this small social situation and that just doesn't seem right.  Perhaps reframe all of this and put it into context? Hugs...

 

I think these are good questions. I think homeschooling parents often put a lot of extra pressure and responsibility on themselves for everything their kid does, because it feels like we are solely responsible, instead of having a big chunk of things that we consider the school's responsibility. And if our kid doesn't know something, it feels like our fault. Having some grown kids, I've now seen this go both ways often enough that it doesn't worry me as much as it once did. For as often as there might be something we missed, there has just as often been something my kids have said they were the only person in their class or dorm room or whatever that knew or knew how to do. My oldest actually feels like they are on the upper end of life skills from many of the people they met that entered college at the same time as them (which surprised me, because they don't come across that way to me). So, while your dd may not have known how to blow up a balloon, it's likely there will just as often be other things she knows about/how to do that other people don't.

[Shoeless]

Mercy, even if she is "odd", you didn't make her that way. That's just who she is and the best thing you can do is show her how to "own it" and be comfortable with who she is.

[freesia]

19 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

Mercy, even if she is "odd", you didn't make her that way. That's just who she is and the best thing you can do is show her how to "own it" and be comfortable with who she is.

And to love her wholeheartedly bc even if she doesn’t feel totally accepted she will have a soft place and know that she is deeply loved just as she is. I know this is hard. I have one who marches to the beat of their own drum. Dc chooses unusual passion and ways often. I want to jump in and stop it bc I worry they won’t have friends. But that’s my baggage. What dc needs is my support and love. I have a second dc who is somewhat like that, too. I think I’ve done a better job at communicating that the second time. 

[Bambam]

I'm not sure one of my college kids can blow up a balloon. Oh, well, they are managing just fine without that skill. They had trouble learning to spit as well. They also had speech therapy - and sometimes I wonder if there is something different about the mouth/throat/muscle/whatever formation so these skills are harder? 

There are always going to be things some kids can't do. What we hope is we teach our kids to be tolerant of others when their skill sets differ and try to help/provide assistance if we can.  

It is hard when it is your kid that is struggling in one area though. But it sounds to me like you are having a huge reaction over one data point. One data point is not a trend. 

[MercyA]

3 hours ago, prairiewindmomma said:

I feel like there are a lot of underlying mental assumptions being made.....and I think maybe it might be good to ponder why your brain jumped to some of those.....

1. Why is a (stupid) balloon game relevant to why your dd will succeed socially at church?

2. Why is how socially connected she is to youth at church relevant to her overall life success?

3. Why do you think what you did or didn't teach dd reflects directly on you in exact correlation?

4. Why did you jump to self-loathing thoughts when things went awkwardly for dd?

Maybe she's odd and awkward and a germaphobe.  Let's assume all of those "horrible" things are true.  So what?!! There are plenty of odd and awkward and germaphobic people in the world. Honestly, I think sometimes there are no normal people at all; we're just combinations of different odd behaviors. It really concerns me that you went to feeling "terrible" and as if you had "damaged her social prospects". I feel like you've put a lot of pressure on yourself and your dd with this small social situation and that just doesn't seem right.  Perhaps reframe all of this and put it into context? Hugs...

I *way* overreacted last night. I see that now. My husband said my OCD was out of control. I don't know if it's because I had an hour and a half of nitrous oxide earlier in the day or what, but I do have a terrible headache today.

1. The balloon game does not matter. The seeming odd might--but she already has very good friends who love her exactly the way she is.

2. It's not really, except all of her friends except one are there.

3. It doesn't.

4. Probably because my OCD was acting up. 

ETA: One of *my* friends was grumpy about my DD being concerned about germs. I'm sure that affected my reaction, too. We were on opposite ends of the spectrum during COVID.

 

Edited September 1, 2022 by MercyA

[MercyA]

1 hour ago, MissLemon said:

Mercy, even if she is "odd", you didn't make her that way. That's just who she is and the best thing you can do is show her how to "own it" and be comfortable with who she is.

Wise words, and I do try to do this. She is amazing and I'm trying to encourage her to do the things she loves even when they are out of the mainstream. 

I told her how proud I was of her for being patient and kind with the teachers who were trying to help her with the balloon. She said she would have just been done with it but was trying to be polite to them. 

[prairiewindmomma]

1 hour ago, MercyA said:

I *way* overreacted last night. I see that now. My husband said my OCD was out of control. I don't know if it's because I had an hour and a half of nitrous oxide earlier in the day or what, but I do have a terrible headache today.

1. The balloon game does not matter. The seeming odd might--but she already has very good friends who love her exactly the way she is.

2. It's not really, except all of her friends except one are there.

3. It doesn't.

4. Probably because my OCD was acting up. 

ETA: One of *my* friends was grumpy about my DD being concerned about germs. I'm sure that affected my reaction, too. We were on opposite ends of the spectrum during COVID.

 

Fwiw, if you have MTHFR or other known genetic methylation issues like COMT, nitrous oxide is counter indicated. It’s not well known in most circles, but it can absolutely cause a flare up of mental health issues. You can try to mitigate this by taking glutathione and B-12, but if you are already on the anxious and quirky end of things, it may be better to skip it altogether and find a different option.

[Mom_to3]

Odd can be good.

And don't worry about it! Sounds like DD handled this with grace and kindness.

[heartlikealion]

Can I send an eye roll toward the grumpy friend? 

you and your dd may both have ocd. Who knows. I used to be a compulsive hand washer among other OCD things though never clinically diagnosed with it. My antidepressant helps keep it at bay. But germs still gross me out. Having those thoughts/compulsions on top of being self conscious how others perceive you isn’t fun. 

Try to ignore others’ reactions. Everyone has different comfort levels. They may not “get” you and vice versa. I’m just glad the pastor was ok — he didn’t shame her. 

[Guest]

Haven’t read the other replies. I just wanted to say, please do not call yourself names you wouldn’t call others. You are not dumb; none of us realizes every single thing that might ever come up. And it is not necessarily because of homeschooling. 
 

My SIL told me one time she was supposed to vacuum at a friend’s house but was completely mystified about operating the vacuum. The vacuum at her house was a central vac that you attach to the wall outlet. She had never seen or used a “regular” vacuum before. Not homeschooled; just outside of her experience. 

[DawnM]

Let's just say I wish this were my biggest concern with messing up my own kids! 🤪   I have SO MANY stories like this, and worse of things my kids didn't know or couldn't do because of ME.   Yup, ME.   #MomFailx1000

Don't beat yourself up, this will pass.   Heck, you might even look back and laugh.

Edited September 2, 2022 by DawnM

[KSera]

16 hours ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Fwiw, if you have MTHFR or other known genetic methylation issues like COMT, nitrous oxide is counter indicated. It’s not well known in most circles, but it can absolutely cause a flare up of mental health issues. You can try to mitigate this by taking glutathione and B-12, but if you are already on the anxious and quirky end of things, it may be better to skip it altogether and find a different option.

Out of curiosity, would people who can't tolerate nitrous be the ones who need methylated B vitamins or the ones who shouldn't have them? I have one kid I am suspicious had a whole host of problems set off after having a dental procedure with nitrous, and that same kid reacts badly to methylated b vitamins (extreme anxiety) but does well with "standard" b vitamins.

[J-rap]

17 hours ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Fwiw, if you have MTHFR or other known genetic methylation issues like COMT, nitrous oxide is counter indicated. It’s not well known in most circles, but it can absolutely cause a flare up of mental health issues. You can try to mitigate this by taking glutathione and B-12, but if you are already on the anxious and quirky end of things, it may be better to skip it altogether and find a different option.

That's interesting.  My dh is the most stable, calm person I know, but he learned a long time ago that if he has nitrous oxide, he has an extreme and bizarre emotional reaction.  It's on all of his medical charts that it's something he absolutely cannot have, ever.   Interestingly, he has the exact same reaction to Sumatriptan, often used for migraines. 

[prairiewindmomma]

1 hour ago, KSera said:

Out of curiosity, would people who can't tolerate nitrous be the ones who need methylated B vitamins or the ones who shouldn't have them? I have one kid I am suspicious had a whole host of problems set off after having a dental procedure with nitrous, and that same kid reacts badly to methylated b vitamins (extreme anxiety) but does well with "standard" b vitamins.

This isn’t an easy black/white answer—it sounds like something is off in their methylation cycle. I’m going to point you to Dr. Ben Lynch and his book Dirty Genes. It’s the easiest to understand, though PubMed has quite a bit also.
 

Nitrous depletes B12, which blocks a rise in homocysteine.

[prairiewindmomma]

9 minutes ago, J-rap said:

That's interesting.  My dh is the most stable, calm person I know, but he learned a long time ago that if he has nitrous oxide, he has an extreme and bizarre emotional reaction.  It's on all of his medical charts that it's something he absolutely cannot have, ever.   Interestingly, he has the exact same reaction to Sumatriptan, often used for migraines. 

Imitrex/Sumatriptan is a serotonin agonist, so that makes sense.

[KSera]

1 hour ago, prairiewindmomma said:

This isn’t an easy black/white answer—it sounds like something is off in their methylation cycle. I’m going to point you to Dr. Ben Lynch and his book Dirty Genes. It’s the easiest to understand, though PubMed has quite a bit also.
 

Nitrous depletes B12, which blocks a rise in homocysteine.

Thanks. I think B12 deficiency is a lot of what happened after the dental work, based on symptoms. Years later they finally had a b12 test and theirs was very low and they had to start supplementing, which helped immensely. I don't know if it already was low before the nitrous, or if that was the final straw or what happened. I wouldn't have expected it to stay low for so long afterward though. I will look up that book though, because it's all very interesting and seems potentially important