Would you tell the parent?

[barnwife]

We had a small gathering at our house today. One of the guests was a tween boy, non NT. He was fascinated by my nursing our toddler. He appeared to have no concept/idea that humans can nurse their babies. He asked a lot of questions. He even came over to poke at me once while nursing. I answered all his questions matter-of-factly, gave him correct words for nursing, and said not to touch nursing moms. 

The parents of this kid weren't here (he came with another family). Would you feel like you should tell this kid's parents about this conversation with him? (DH and I feel differently, so clearly I am outsourcing to the Hive for a definitive answer.)

[Melissa in Australia]

I wouldn't 

Does the child have a disability? I ask because of the poking. I would think a tween child would know not to poke, but a child with a disability not necessarily. 

 

Edited May 23, 2022 by Melissa in Australia

[prairiewindmomma]

Nope, I wouldn’t say a thing.

[KungFuPanda]

Since you were the nursing mother in question, I think YOUR feelings should determine how this is handled. It sounds like you handled the situation as well as anyone could, so your judgement seems sound. 

[barnwife]

Just now, Melissa in Australia said:

I wouldn't 

Does the child have a disability? I ask because of the poking. I would think a teen child would know not to poke, but a child with a disability not necessarily. 

 

Though I don't know if this child has been officially diagnosed, I pretty firmly believe he isn't NT. 

[regentrude]

No, I wouldn't. Why would one feel the need? The parents surely know that he is not NT, and that he may ask questions in a way that seems odd.

I can't see any reason to bring it up. You handled it there and then.

Edited May 23, 2022 by regentrude

[Shoeless]

I would kindly discuss it with the parent, yes. If he's non-nt and poking at bf moms, (I took that to mean he poked your breast? Maybe I am wrong there), then they need to talk more about boundaries with him for HIS safety. Not everyone is going to respond kindly or with understanding to stares and pokes. 

[freesia]

I agree with @regentrude He was curious about a normal behavior and you answered him in a natural way. 

[barnwife]

1 minute ago, regentrude said:

 The parents surely know that he is not NT,

Interestingly, I don't know if they do. I knew the first time I met this child's older sibling, I knew the sibling was non-NT. Sibling was a toddler at the time, and it was still glaringly obvious to me. No one ever talked about it though. Years later, sibling was officially diagnosed. Everyone in the family seemed very surprised, while my reaction was "...they didn't know? Huh."

 

1 minute ago, MissLemon said:

I would kindly discuss it with the parent, yes. If he's non-nt and poking at bf moms, (I took that to mean he poked your breast? Maybe I am wrong there), then they need to talk more about boundaries with him for HIS safety. Not everyone is going to respond kindly or with understanding to stares and pokes. 

Bolding is mine. Yes, that's exactly what happened. And yes, that is why one of us thinks we should tell the parents. I didn't care that he did it. If he was truly an ignorant of nursing as he seemed, it seems like a normal kid reaction. But...yeah, not something that go over well with all nursing moms.

+

[Shoeless]

1 minute ago, barnwife said:

Interestingly, I don't know if they do. I knew the first time I met this child's older sibling, I knew the sibling was non-NT. Sibling was a toddler at the time, and it was still glaringly obvious to me. No one ever talked about it though. Years later, sibling was officially diagnosed. Everyone in the family seemed very surprised, while my reaction was "...they didn't know? Huh."

 

Bolding is mine. Yes, that's exactly what happened. And yes, that is why one of us thinks we should tell the parents. I didn't care that he did it. If he was truly an ignorant of nursing as he seemed, it seems like a normal kid reaction. But...yeah, not something that go over well with all nursing moms.

+

Yeah, I would discuss with mom and dad. They need to address it for the boy's safety. People won't be so understanding when he's an older teen or young man, even if his intentions are innocent.

[Catwoman]

My feeling is that he will probably never do it again, since you told him that it wasn’t something he should do. I wouldn’t bring it up with his parents, because it might embarrass him.

The only reason I would bring it up to his parents is if he was kind of smarmy about it and made it into a sexual thing, and it sounds like he didn’t do anything like that at all and he was just curious in a normal, natural way.

And I hate to say this, but his parents might end up getting angry with you for breast-feeding your child in front of their son. Some people get really weird about that. I would probably just let it go unless it happened again. Why create a problem for the boy when he didn’t intentionally do anything wrong?

Edited May 23, 2022 by Catwoman

[Melissa in Australia]

It is really hard to give advice without actually being there and seeing the child. 

 But I still wouldn't tell the parent if he responded to your instruction to not poke. 

As the parent if 2 teens with disabilities I am so anxious about my boys behaviour I don't go anywhere or visit anyone. I find their behaviour increadably embarrassing. I know they have no control over it,  if my twins are with a group of other children and get too excited they will start grooping others. They don't even realise they are doing it. It isn't fair on other children to have my boys near them. I keep getting told by some of the professionals like the speech pathologist that they need to mix with other children to practice their social skills, but I don't know how to make that possable. 

[barnwife]

6 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

The only reason I would bring it up to his parents is if he was kind of smarmy about it and made it into a sexual thing, and it sounds like he didn’t do anything like that at all and he was just curious in a normal, natural way.

He absolutely did not do that. He just seemed fascinated/interested in a "wow. I've never wondered/thought/been taught this." He generally seems to like learning about nature/wildlife, so his many questions fit right in with that. 

 

[Katy]

They need to know. I had several instances of non-neurotypical men do similar inappropriate things to me as a child and I was too naive to tell anyone about it. I should have. What was innocent to you would be assault in different eyes, and could get him hurt. Better to have people who love him make sure he understands rather than a stranger. 

[Catwoman]

2 minutes ago, barnwife said:

He absolutely did not do that. He just seemed fascinated/interested in a "wow. I've never wondered/thought/been taught this." He generally seems to like learning about nature/wildlife, so his many questions fit right in with that. 

 

Then I would definitely not tell the parents! Honestly, I think it would be kind of mean to tell them, when the boy wasn’t intentionally doing anything wrong. It might discourage him from asking questions about other things in the future.

[City Mouse]

I might mention to the parents that he did see you breastfeeding and had a lot of questions just to give then a heads up in case he starts asking them questions. I wouldn’t make a big deal about the poking since he did stop when you asked him to. 

[Farrar]

With the context that he touched your breast... yeah, I think I'd mention it in a gentle way. The conversation doesn't seem necessary. I mean, if you happened to see and chat with the parents, you might bring it up, but on its own, that's nothing to my mind. But the touching... that's pretty inappropriate. I'd want a kid by the time they're 11 or so to really understand that's not okay and also to have the self-control not to cross a taboo that big. But obviously he did. Which means he might again - maybe not in the exact same context, but this is an age where it's time to be super explicit about this stuff because it's about to be not cute on a big scale. I used to teach middle school and we had a lot of neurodivergent kids at our school and this was something that some of them were running up against - lack of self-control, a new interest in sex, a lack of understanding of social boundaries and social cues, and a very "teen" or "grown up" body in view of the world around them. It's a combo that can lead to some very serious charges against a kid in terms of sexual harassment or assault. Kids need to get the message very clearly. And with love and gentleness too, of course! But it's harder to give that sort of message with love and gentleness when you've got a 14 yo who has just repeatedly crossed a boundary with someone than it is with an 11 yo who is feeling out that boundary for the first time, ya know?

[maize]

If you think the parents would be gentle and non-shaming in addressing it with him I would bring it up--for his own protection as others have said. Make it clear that you were not offended, you just want to make them aware that he may need some explicit instruction in personal boundaries.

[Carol in Cal.]

I agree with Farrar.  It’s the poke that makes me say that.  That’s OTT and while I don’t think you should make a big deal about it, since you handled it well and he stopped, parents need to know that this is something that needs to be addressed, calmly but certainly.

[Carrie12345]

I don’t know enough about the parents or child to know what I would do.
I can think of friends/acquaintances who I would casually and/or jokingly mention it to, others I’d be a little more serious with, and some I’d say nothing to. I really think there are just too many “vibe” variables that come into play.

[Ausmumof3]

I’ve been in a similar situation minus the touch and didn’t but if you think kid has a disability I’d let them know very gently. If they indicate they’re already aware of similar behaviour I’d drop it and reassure that you’re not upset but if it’s a potentially new behaviour they might want to know so they’ve got a bit of time to figure out how to handle it. Understanding appropriate touch can be super hard for some kids so getting a heads up is helpful.

[Drama Llama]

This is behavior that can put the child at risk.  As a parent if my kid was doing something dangerous, I would want to know.  

You can tell the parents gently, and make it clear you weren’t bothered by it, but I think they need a heads up.

I wouldn’t assume that a kid who made it to this age without realizing that some people breastfeed, or that touching a woman’s breast is off limits, is going to hear one adult telling him no and generalize it appropriately.  He is probably going to need repetition and many specific conversations.

 

[Clemsondana]

You may not be able to tell, but I'd probably decide based on whether you think his curiosity was fully satisfied or not, because if it wasn't, this could happen again in another situation.  It's less about telling the parents to report inappropriate behavior - if you feel like that was handled fine by telling kid to quit, then there's nothing more to do - and more about letting them know that there are some information gaps for kid, and he needs to have those filled in along with the corresponding behavior expectations. 

[Tenaj]

If I was the kid's parent, I would want to know.  When one of my kids was a preteen (probably 10 or 11) we had close family friends whom he was very comfortable with.  One day in church, he walked by the wife and for some unaccountable reason smacked her on the butt!  She immediately called him out on it in a joking way but before we left church made sure I knew.  I was so thankful.  We talked to him about it later and realized that in his mind, she was his friend and on a baseball team that's what they did to greet one another.  We discussed that, yes, she is your friend but she is an adult and a lady and that sort of greeting wasn't appropriate.   I was thankful she let me know and thankful to have the opportunity to deal with it in a pretty low key way.

 

[kristin0713]

I would want to know if this was my kid so that I could make sure he understands appropriate boundaries and answer any other questions he may have. I think you handled it wonderfully but he may still need some education in this area. So I guess it depends on how you think the parents would respond. 

[cbollin]

I'm parent of "non NT" children (all adult age now).  I would want someone to tell me so I could work on this social skill in broader areas. That skill being "inappropriate touch" not "nursing vs bottle".  When I'm out and about with youngest dd in group social stuff for "non NT", there are some of these adults with disabilities who are in their 20s and still inappropriately touching people.   It's about the safety of the young man as he gets older.  I recall a time several years ago that my youngest did something where another parent was embarrassed to tell me but hey, I had to know so I could teach her.  I was thankful the other parent told me so I could work with it too.  I hope the parents in the OP's case also would want to know with their tween child even if they don't realize he is not NT.  

funny moment for me reading this thread. Tenaj's story above reminds me of some episode of Star Trek TOS where Charlie X had to learn not to smack the female crew members on the butt the same way the male crew were doing after that with close hang out friends.  You just don't know how people process events and they need to learn in kind ways.

 

[ktgrok]

10 hours ago, barnwife said:

 

Bolding is mine. Yes, that's exactly what happened. And yes, that is why one of us thinks we should tell the parents. I didn't care that he did it. If he was truly an ignorant of nursing as he seemed, it seems like a normal kid reaction. But...yeah, not something that go over well with all nursing moms.

+

Hm...I think it would depend on the parents. If they were fairly normal people, I might mention it in a "Listen, this is NOT a problem, I was NOT upset, at all, and I know he tends to get focused on something when he's curious, but you might want to review boundaries with him regarding touching other people because..." and explain what happen. I might include a link to the Mr. Rogers episode on nursing, and say that since he was so interested you thought he might want to see it. I'd make sure to say you think it is so important for young men to know about this stuff, so they can support their future partner one day or whatever. 

But, if I thought the parents were likely to go overboard being upsset with the kid, or to punish him, etc I would likely not mention it. If this kid is in some kind of homeschool group with you though, I might try to figure out a way to cover boundaries regarding touching other people as part of a general class reminder. 

Because being fascinated as you said is totally normal. Heck, the first time I saw someone nurse a child I was a young adult and couldn't stop staring either, even though I tired not to. IT iS fascinating! And if you are a kid who didn't realize mammals do this even on a theoretical level it would be mind blowing! So staring, that seems normal. (but I'm not exactly NT myself, lol) But the touching would be a problem. Not because I don't understand why he did it - again, pretty normal reaction to want to fully explore this new idea - but because since he was unable or unaware that he shouldn't touch other people that way, I'd worry for future incidents. A review of "private places" might be in order, but that's it. (ok, and maybe a better understanding of what a mammal is!)

[fraidycat]

In situations like this, I try to put myself in the shoes of the other parent. Would I want to know, if I was this kid's parent? In this case, yes I would want to know so I could address the personal boundary aspect for my kid. I would tell them, framing it as a safety issue for him - letting them know that he responded well to your direction that he shouldn't touch, but he may need reinforced instruction on appropriate touch.

Of course, you know the family best. If the kid would get punished or shamed for it, then I might not tell them. Because, again, my main concern is for the safety and security of the child - now and in the future. In that case, I would keep an eye out for opportunities to reinforce appropriate touch instruction (if necessary) in an organic way when I was around him. By that, I mean, just keeping an eye out and paying attention on whether he seems to know not to touch the "bathing suit areas" while playing and interacting with others and, if not, then reminding as needed. 

It may be that this was just a total one-off incident, driven by his curiosity. But he's at the age that he needs to learn if he hasn't already.

 

[barnwife]

Thanks, ladies! I think I will go with giving the mom a heads-up about reinforcing personal boundaries. I absolutely do not think they will punish or shame him. Saying something wouldn't even have been an option if I thought that.

 

[ktgrok]

1 hour ago, barnwife said:

Thanks, ladies! I think I will go with giving the mom a heads-up about reinforcing personal boundaries. I absolutely do not think they will punish or shame him. Saying something wouldn't even have been an option if I thought that.

 

oh good! Some parents can be so weird about that stuff. I'm glad you think they will handle it well. Might be an indicator he's ready for more knowledge of the human body, as well as touching boundaries 🙂

[Kanin]

9 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said:

I wouldn’t assume that a kid who made it to this age without realizing that some people breastfeed, or that touching a woman’s breast is off limits, is going to hear one adult telling him no and generalize it appropriately.  He is probably going to need repetition and many specific conversations.

 

I agree with this. 

[lauraw4321]

10 hours ago, barnwife said:

Thanks, ladies! I think I will go with giving the mom a heads-up about reinforcing personal boundaries. I absolutely do not think they will punish or shame him. Saying something wouldn't even have been an option if I thought that.

 

I’m hoping this went well. 

[Amy in NH]

I haven't read the other responses.

No, I would not tell the other parents.  I believe that is an appropriate amount of curiosity for a non-NT tween who did not understand how humans feed infants, and I think you were kind in educating him factually and without judgment. 

[Janeway]

I wouldn’t. It would seem like you didn’t like it and I think it is good he asked these things. Let it go and be happy you got to have this influence on him and that he felt comfortable asking you.

[Reefgazer]

No, I wouldn't.  I'd just assume this kid was curious and fascinated.