So your reaction to this?

[teachermom2834]

My 8th grade dd goes to a very small co-op 2x a week all day. One of the teachers is a young man-perhaps about 30 yo. While she has not had problems with him exactly, she does complain that he is unprofessional and that sometimes he acts like a teacher and sometimes he acts like a kid. In general, the other boys drive her kind of crazy the way middle school boys do. Annoying but no real problems and she is not returning there next year so we have just been getting through the year. 

A few weeks ago they were on their lunch break and this teacher was hanging out with them as he often does. Teachers generally are in and out spending some or all of the lunch break with the kids eating together and playing board games, etc. Well, dd and one boy were bickering or arguing back and forth about something and the teacher says, "You two just need to kiss and get it over with." 

I did not hear about this until a few days after it happened and the year is over now and she isn't going back so I didn't feel it critical to deal with immediately. Dd said she was really embarassed and mad and just packed up her belongings and left the lunch area and went to where her next class would be to wait. She, honestly, didn't even get the "joke". She hasn't seen enough romantic comedies or sitcoms to even pick up on what the teacher was getting at, she was just really mad he said that and didn't know what to do.

Am I correct that this is wildly inappropriate? I don't think this teacher has actually done anything inappropriate I think it is just a case of bad judgement/immaturity.  I don't feel like dd was unsafe or anything like that at all. 

I do plan to speak to the director. I don't need any recourse I just want my dd to know I will speak up for her and that she can tell me things and I won't just dismiss them. Truthfully, in my own life, I would just be inclined to let things slide rather than confront but having a fiesty daughter changes the perspective on that.

 

**edit** I see lots of people are interpreting this as "kiss and make up". I interpret "kiss and get it over with" as implication of sexual tension- y'all are just arguing because you really are attracted to each other and want to get together. My dd, while unfamiliar with the exact connotation of the sexual tension implication, obviously took it in a way that was embarassing/boundary crossing. "Kiss and make up" would  not have had that effect on her. Maybe other people don't see the difference between those expressions but I do. Interesting to note the different takes, though. 

Edited May 4, 2022 by teachermom2834

[Jean in Newcastle]

It's an expression.  I highly doubt that he actually was pushing them to kiss.  I would let it go. 

[Ting Tang]

3 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

My 8th grade dd goes to a very small co-op 2x a week all day. One of the teachers is a young man-perhaps about 30 yo. While she has not had problems with him exactly, she does complain that he is unprofessional and that sometimes he acts like a teacher and sometimes he acts like a kid. In general, the other boys drive her kind of crazy the way middle school boys do. Annoying but no real problems and she is not returning there next year so we have just been getting through the year. 

A few weeks ago they were on their lunch break and this teacher was hanging out with them as he often does. Teachers generally are in and out spending some or all of the lunch break with the kids eating together and playing board games, etc. Well, dd and one boy were bickering or arguing back and forth about something and the teacher says, "You two just need to kiss and get it over with." 

I did not hear about this until a few days after it happened and the year is over now and she isn't going back so I didn't feel it critical to deal with immediately. Dd said she was really embarassed and mad and just packed up her belongings and left the lunch area and went to where her next class would be to wait. She, honestly, didn't even get the "joke". She hasn't seen enough romantic comedies or sitcoms to even pick up on what the teacher was getting at, she was just really mad he said that and didn't know what to do.

Am I correct that this is wildly inappropriate? I don't think this teacher has actually done anything inappropriate I think it is just a case of bad judgement/immaturity.  I don't feel like dd was unsafe or anything like that at all. 

I do plan to speak to the director. I don't need any recourse I just want my dd to know I will speak up for her and that she can tell me things and I won't just dismiss them. Truthfully, in my own life, I would just be inclined to let things slide rather than confront but having a fiesty daughter changes the perspective on that.

I personally do think it is inappropriate.  I would speak to the director.  I think if someone is using phrases like this on children, he shouldn't be in a position of authority over them.

[teachermom2834]

1 minute ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

It's an expression.  I highly doubt that he actually was pushing them to kiss.  I would let it go. 

Oh I am positive he wasn’t pushing them to kiss. Or at least I wouldn’t assume that!

But I really am not one to charge in and make a fuss so I’m glad to hear if other people don’t think it is out of line. 

 

[Slache]

I think it was out of line, but I'd let it go.

[teachermom2834]

3 minutes ago, Ting Tang said:

I personally do think it is inappropriate.  I would speak to the director.  I think if someone is using phrases like this on children, he shouldn't be in a position of authority over them.

See…I wouldn’t go so far as to think he needed to not have a job over this comment. Even though I think it’s inappropriate.

[Brittany1116]

As in "kiss and make up"? IDK. I would have to have a feel for the person and possibly understand the reaction of the kids he was speaking to. Not the best phrase in the situation, but I wouldn't assume he meant it literally. 

[teachermom2834]

3 minutes ago, Brittany1116 said:

As in "kiss and make up"? IDK. I would have to have a feel for the person and possibly understand the reaction of the kids he was speaking to. Not the best phrase in the situation, but I wouldn't assume he meant it literally. 

No. I took it as not “kiss and make up” but like you two are arguing because of sexual tension and we all know you really just want to kiss. Like Sam and Diane in Cheers. Lol. I wasn’t there but the way it was described to me and the way it made my dd feel even though she didn’t understand it exactly. 

Edited May 4, 2022 by teachermom2834

[desertflower]

I would just have a casual talk with the teacher. He most likely doesn’t even think anything of it.

however, the fact that she took off means something. 
for me, as a teacher, I would appreciate it if a parent told me that that comment made my child feel uncomfortable. This just improves my well being. 

[Loowit]

I wouldn't worry about it, but if you are going to speak to someone you should talk to the teacher directly, not go over his head to begin with.

[Ting Tang]

6 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

See…I wouldn’t go so far as to think he needed to not have a job over this comment. Even though I think it’s inappropriate.

You are nicer than I would be in this situation, but I also do not know him.  I also feel like my local schools, public and private, haven't been safe for children lately.  One local private high school had a coach who was touching the girls in front of people--not in the worst way you can imagine---but enough to make them feel very uncomfortable.  It did go too far, and he was released.  I just always wonder if there are "signs" before things reach that point.  

[teachermom2834]

1 minute ago, Loowit said:

I wouldn't worry about it, but if you are going to speak to someone you should talk to the teacher directly, not go over his head to begin with.

Yes. You are right. Especially because I'm not even trying to get him in trouble or anything. I know the director but I don't know the teacher which is why I was automatically thinking of talking to her. And they are good friends so I am not thinking he would get in trouble because I talk to the director. Just to set the record straight that I'm not going to the director to get him in trouble. 

Really I wasn't even wanting an apology or him punished or anything at all beyond showing my dd that if someone crosses a line she can tell me and I will acknowledge it. I'm pretty happy to not confront anyone ever, personally. 

[bolt.]

I would have a conversation about it as a mistake that was made, an uncomfortable situation created by a teacher making inappropriate comments to young students. Nobody needs to be fired, but he does need to get the message that such things do not go unnoticed, and that he needs to reign in his more immature impulses to make humorous comments on his students' (perceived) romantic feelings etc. It's unprofessional and it crosses student's personal boundaries -- that makes it important. It's okay that the teacher is still learning such things, but he absolutely needs to learn through this event being taken seriously.

[jen3kids]

I don't think he meant it literally and I don't think he needs to lose his job, but he definitely needs to be educated on appropriate responses/interactions with teens.  When you know better, you do better.    

 

[teachermom2834]

1 minute ago, bolt. said:

I would have a conversation about it as a mistake that was made, an uncomfortable situation created by a teacher making inappropriate comments to young students. Nobody needs to be fired, but he does need to get the message that such things do not go unnoticed, and that he needs to reign in his more immature impulses to make humorous comments on his students' (perceived) romantic feelings etc. It's unprofessional and it crosses student's personal boundaries -- that makes it important. It's okay that the teacher is still learning such things, but he absolutely needs to learn through this event being taken seriously.

Thank you for this! You put into words what I couldn't about how I am feeling about it. 

[kbutton]

3 minutes ago, Ting Tang said:

You are nicer than I would be in this situation, but I also do not know him.  I also feel like my local schools, public and private, haven't been safe for children lately.  One local private high school had a coach who was touching the girls in front of people--not in the worst way you can imagine---but enough to make them feel very uncomfortable.  It did go too far, and he was released.  I just always wonder if there are "signs" before things reach that point.  

I think it was out of line. However, I think things that are red flags are usually more about the person who's saying/doing them having control over the other person in small ways, but I could be wrong about that.

I think speaking to the teacher directly and then just watching for other issues would be a good idea. Mark the incident on a calendar or something where you'll have it documented.

 

[Arcadia]

6 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

No. I took it as not “kiss and make up” but like you two are arguing because of sexual tension and we all know you really just want to kiss. Like Sam and Diane in Cheers. 

I also assumed “kiss and make up”. I would let the teacher know that his comment is easily misconstrued but I would not go to the director over this unless there are other red flags. 
I have a nephew that is turning 30 whom I have babysat when he was young. His dad commented that he has matured after his recent marriage. So your scenario does sound more like immaturity to me then something else.

[TechWife]

It was out of line. Whether or not it was intentional or a result of immaturity does not matter. It’s time for women to stand up and say ENOUGH. I would write to the co-op director and cc anyone who she may report to. It is completely unacceptable for him to suggest physical contact. In either case, It isn’t appropriate for him to teach. Let him learn boundaries and/or mature on his own time, but not while have contact with and influence over children of any age. 
Letting this go would send a message to your daughter that her personhood isn’t important to you. She may not understand it now, but this is exactly the type of incident that will come to mind in later years and make her wonder about how it was handled. 
ZERO tolerance for this crap. ZERO. Anything less will mean he gets away with it. IIRC, pushing boundaries with kids is something abusers do when they are grooming someone- trying to see what they can get away with without setting off alarm bells. ZERO.

[teachermom2834]

1 minute ago, Arcadia said:

. So your scenario does sound more like immaturity to me then something else.

I think so too. If I thought my dd was unsafe this would not be a topic for musing on a discussion forum. But I don't feel that was the case at all. 

 

[HomeAgain]

Kiss and get it over with usually implies that there is sexual tension in the air and they are arguing because they both become aroused by it.

That is exactly the way I would phrase it in a meeting with the director and teacher, and bluntly ask him to explain what he meant and how that was handling the situation.

Then I would ask what, exactly, the policy was on handling student conflict and helping them develop the communication skills needed in those times.

Call it like you see it.  I wouldn't let this one go, though.

[TechWife]

15 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

No. I took it as not “kiss and make up” but like you two are arguing because of sexual tension and we all know you really just want to kiss. Like Sam and Diane in Cheers. Lol. I wasn’t there but the way it was described to me and the way it made my dd feel even though she didn’t understand it exactly. 

That is the way I understood your explanation. Keep in mind that whatever happens to this man & his job isn’t your responsibility. Consequences are the responsibility of the person in the wrong. You’re responsible for letting the co op leadership know there is a problem. Immaturity at best, grooming or actual abuse at the worst. It’s not your problem to investigate it, fix it or anything else. Please stand up for your daughter! 

[saraha]

8 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

I think so too. If I thought my dd was unsafe this would not be a topic for musing on a discussion forum. But I don't feel that was the case at all. 

 

If your co-op is like our old co-op, I’m assuming this “teacher” is not an actual trained educator so has not learned about classroom management, child development or child wrangling. The comment to me sounded like he wanted them to stop bickering so said something that would shock/ embarass/ distract them enough to derail the bickering train. I also think there is a maturity factor.

I personally would want to just swing by (or suggest someone does since you aren’t going back) and say “hey, so it sounds like you dealt with this situation by saying X, which is not a good approach but I see where you were going. I would be glad to help if you would like some classroom management or situation diffusion ideas sot here isn’t a repeat

Edited May 4, 2022 by saraha

[Grace Hopper]

It would be a kindness to this teacher’s future success to have a talk directly with about what happened. In a very gracious way, to help him understand that his “clever” comment was not taken as he playfully intended, that such comments have a damaging effect on student-teacher relationships (especially male in power towards a female student), and that if he’d said such a thing in a public school setting he might have faced disciplinary action. 
 

I say this in the same way I’d take a young person on an executive track aside to tell them they needed to work on chewing with their mouth closed at business dinners because yeah, that can affect their career path. 

[HS Mom in NC]

I don't think his job should be at risk, but it was poor judgement. Clearly he has had no training on personality differences in people and he doesn't actually grasp what his response is saying.

Analytical, thinking females usually get the short end of the stick in American society because we don't value the same things most typical females do. Some would think it's funny and/or flattering to suggest some boy has romantic interest in them and is lamely trying to cover it with bickering.  It's your typical stupid  Rom-Com bs  that some of us deeply hate and don't relate to at all on any level.  By suggesting sexual tension the teacher is condescending (I know what's going on with the two of you better than the two of you who are actually experiencing it)  and dismissive (you're not really upset by each other like you think you are, you're really attracted to each other and I know it and am going to point that out in front of both you and anyone else in earshot.)

If the teacher needed to address an actual problem between students then it should not have been in a joking way, he should've been an adult and directly addressed the problem.  If it was a situation that didn't need teacher intervention then he should've stayed out of it and said nothing to begin with.  He's a foolish person.

This is the core problem with "class clown/ amateur comedian" types.  They're famous for a couple of things: failing to read and match the mood of the room (these were two angry people having an argument, not at all the time for humor) and they usually have very fragile egos. Anyone prone to "one stage" performative behavior is seeking outward approval/applause/applause substitutes like getting laughs for their jokes, so when you speak to him directly about the issue you'll have to talk to him like he's an emotionally delicate tween who isn't especially smart.

[SKL]

I agree that it was poor judgment, but on its own, it was a minor error.

I would explain to my kid that "kiss and make up" is an expression that people used to say all the time when two friends or siblings were fussing at each other.  It doesn't mean actually kiss.  Moreover, it can be a hint that your "conversation" is annoying other people and perhaps making them uncomfortable or is otherwise inappropriate for the context.

I don't think I'd report that by itself.  However, if this was part of a pattern of this guy pushing the limits of appropriateness, I might include it in a broader conversation.

[gardenmom5]

Wildly inappropriate is putting it mildly. . . . 

I can see confronting the teacher with "On what planet would he think that was an appropriate comment to make to ANY ***student***!!!"  (I would consider it wildly inappropriate for a high school teacher to say that to a high school student.- the point is - he is supposed to act like an adult, he is not a "same-age buddy".)

I'd also complain to the school administration. If he's this clueless . . . . . . 

[teachermom2834]

I added this edit to the OP. I think people are interpreting the situation in two very different ways. 

**edit** I see lots of people are interpreting this as "kiss and make up". I interpret "kiss and get it over with" as implication of sexual tension- y'all are just arguing because you really are attracted to each other and want to get together. My dd, while unfamiliar with the exact connotation of the sexual tension implication, obviously took it in a way that was embarassing/boundary crossing. "Kiss and make up" would  not have had that effect on her. Maybe other people don't see the difference between those expressions but I do. Interesting to note the different takes, though. 

Edited just now by teachermom2834

[El...]

I'll be a tad dramatic about this...it us rampantly inappropriate to tell a girl (or really any person) that their disagreement or dislike is invalid because it's actually sexual tension. That's not respectful. It's demeaning.

I think you might sit down in front of that immature teacher and ask a series of questions to help him understand that. "I have been informed that you said this. Is that true?" "What did you mean by that?" "Is that appropriate, coming from someone in your position?" "How might that be misunderstood as pressure?" "Does that sound respectful to you?"

I'd anticipate some defensive stammering. I might wait until after the grades are in, if you're concerned about revenge.

 

[wintermom]

It sounds like you've never seen or spoken with this young man. I'd make a point of talking casually with him within the next few days. First off, I wouldn't assume your dd has any idea how old the teacher actually is unless he told the class. He may be much older or younger than you're imagining.

Secondly, the interpretation your dd made might not have been the actual words the teacher said. If you feel the issue needs to be discussed with the teacher, ask for his interpretation of what was going on. Not that your dd mis-interpreted things incorrectly, but eye-witness information is not concrete at all - this is based on lots of research. People rarely remember completely or correctly.

Meet the man and make your own judgement. 

Edited May 4, 2022 by wintermom

[desertflower]

1 minute ago, wintermom said:

It sounds like you've never seen or spoken with this young man. I'd make a point of talking casually with him within the next few days. First off, I wouldn't assume your dd has any idea how old the teacher is. Secondly, the interpretation your dd made might not have been the actual words the teacher said. If you feel the issue needs to be discussed with the teacher, ask for his interpretation of what was going on. Not that your dd mis-interpreted things incorrectly, but eye-witness information is not concrete at all - this is based on lots of research. People rarely remember completely or correctly.

Oh yes. I agree. Ask him what happened and then tell him how your daughter perceived it. 

[Brittany1116]

Thanks for clarifying. Honestly I read it twice and read "kiss and get over it" instead of "kiss and get it over with". Seeing your edit made me realize my mistake.

[prairiewindmomma]

8th grade? Co-op? Grades don’t matter.

I would address the teacher and director simultaneously with an email documenting what was said and why that was inappropriate. I don’t care if the teacher meant “kiss and make up”, it’s not professional OR appropriate AND clearly it wasn’t received well by one of the kids.

I would also work with dd on teaching her how to handle boys and men. Ages 12-14 is peak mysogyny. My daughter would have likely turned, gestured to the boy, said, “Feel free,” and walked away. She comes home every day and tells stories about what cruel dumba$$es her male classmates are. My older sons confirm she is not exaggerating. 

[wintermom]

Before making any accusations, do you know whether your dd heard the teacher's comment correctly? What happens if she misheard, misinterpreted, and this somehow blows up for no real reason. 

I'm also suggesting that your dd has a negative attitude in general toward the teacher. This may be valid, or it could be a factor of being forced to sit in a room with a group of boys, and she'd prefer to be doing something else or at the very least with other people. 

[happi duck]

This is definitely not "kiss and make up".  This was the PG equivalent of "you two fight because you want to f*** so just get it over with and do it already".  It's a frequent sentiment in movies etc.  Inappropriate for sure, no doubt .

I would definitely contact him at least in a "just so you know" way.

I was very hurt by a teacher blowing off me getting punched because "it's just because he likes you".  We must stop teaching girls and boys that physical pain, mean teasing and argumentativeness equals romantic interest.

ETA: added boys to last paragraph

Edited May 4, 2022 by happi duck

[wintermom]

35 minutes ago, happi duck said:

This is definitely not "kiss and make up".  This was the PG equivalent of "you two fight because you want to f*** so just get it over with and do it already".  It's a frequent sentiment in movies etc.  Inappropriate for sure, no doubt .

I would definitely contact him at least in a "just so you know" way.

I was very hurt by a teacher blowing off me getting punched because "it's just because he likes you".  We must stop teaching girls that physical pain, mean teasing and argumentativeness equals romantic interest.

What about the boy's feelings in this scenario? He was probably equally embarassed and uncomfortable. Being a girl does not = being the only victim. Girls can be strong, they can be bullies, and they aren't automatically a victim simply because they're a girl. 

[teachermom2834]

40 minutes ago, wintermom said:

Before making any accusations, do you know whether your dd heard the teacher's comment correctly? What happens if she misheard, misinterpreted, and this somehow blows up for no real reason. 

I'm also suggesting that your dd has a negative attitude in general toward the teacher. This may be valid, or it could be a factor of being forced to sit in a room with a group of boys, and she'd prefer to be doing something else or at the very least with other people. 

Of course my dd could be mistaken. I don’t think there is any video tape so there is no way to know for certain. I don’t have reason to believe she would make it up or even come up with an expression she isn’t even familiar with. But of course, she could be mistaken. That is always a possibility. It is also possible she is reporting it accurately. If that is the case I do think it is inappropriate. Not horrible. But not perfectly within bounds either. 
 

My dd absolutely has a negative attitude about the boys she has been in class with. She is not returning to this situation next year.

I feel like you are under the impression I am looking to go in there and make heads roll and accuse people of all kinds of misbehaviors. I’m really not that riled up and I think I’ve expressed many times on this thread that I’m not looking to accuse him of being dangerous or get him in trouble. 
 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

To the OP:  Something very similar happened to me when I was in 7th or 8th grade.  I was humiliated in front of the whole class and never forgot it.  And so was the boy involved.  It’s not appropriate.

[teachermom2834]

Just now, Carol in Cal. said:

To the OP:  Something very similar happened to me when I was in 7th or 8th grade.  I was humiliated in front of the whole class and never forgot it.  And so was the boy involved.  It’s not appropriate.

Thank you. That is what my focus has been on. She felt really humiliated. And she really didn’t even fully understand why. She just knew there was something off color about it and she was so humiliated. And she didn’t deserve that even if as a previous poster noted she might have been being annoying. It would have been embarrassing from a peer but from an adult authority figure it was humiliating. Thank you for your perspective. 

[happi duck]

22 minutes ago, wintermom said:

What about the boy's feelings in this scenario? He was probably equally embarassed and uncomfortable. Being a girl does not = being the only victim. Girls can be strong, they can be bullies, and they aren't automatically a victim simply because they're a girl. 

You're right.  I was still focused on what happened when I was a girl.  I'll fix my post

[Jean in Newcastle]

1 hour ago, happi duck said:

This is definitely not "kiss and make up".  This was the PG equivalent of "you two fight because you want to f*** so just get it over with and do it already".  It's a frequent sentiment in movies etc.  Inappropriate for sure, no doubt .

I would definitely contact him at least in a "just so you know" way.

I was very hurt by a teacher blowing off me getting punched because "it's just because he likes you".  We must stop teaching girls and boys that physical pain, mean teasing and argumentativeness equals romantic interest.

ETA: added boys to last paragraph

You have changed my mind from my post earlier. I had thought that he was saying “kiss and make up” but I see the other (probably correct) interpretation now. 

[katilac]

Both "kiss and make up" and "kiss and get it over with" are completely inappropriate things for a teacher to say, although I'd place the latter higher on the scale. 

I would ask him what he said, sure, but I can't imagine what he might have said that made your dd think he said "kiss" if he didn't. And just a hard no on talking about students kissing in any way, shape, or form. Give him a calendar and remind him that it's 2022. Do not forget to tell him upfront that this is a private and confidential conversation, or he might make a mocking public apology to your dd, or joke about it in general. "Oh, better not read this poem, I'm not supposed to say kiss in the classroom, ha ha." 

2 hours ago, teachermom2834 said:

No. I took it as not “kiss and make up” but like you two are arguing because of sexual tension and we all know you really just want to kiss. Like Sam and Diane in Cheers. Lol. 

Even "kiss and make up" has some of that subtext imo. 

2 hours ago, HS Mom in NC said:

Analytical, thinking females usually get the short end of the stick in American society because we don't value the same things most typical females do. Some would think it's funny and/or flattering to suggest some boy has romantic interest in them and is lamely trying to cover it with bickering.   

I agree with much of your post, but let's not sell 'most typical females' short. You do not have to be analytical to be less than thrilled to have a teacher publicly suggest sexual tension between you and another student. 

[katilac]

1 hour ago, happi duck said:

This is definitely not "kiss and make up".  This was the PG equivalent of "you two fight because you want to f*** so just get it over with and do it already".  

100%

[SKL]

2 hours ago, happi duck said:

This is definitely not "kiss and make up".  This was the PG equivalent of "you two fight because you want to f*** so just get it over with and do it already".  It's a frequent sentiment in movies etc.  Inappropriate for sure, no doubt .

I would definitely contact him at least in a "just so you know" way.

I was very hurt by a teacher blowing off me getting punched because "it's just because he likes you".  We must stop teaching girls and boys that physical pain, mean teasing and argumentativeness equals romantic interest.

ETA: added boys to last paragraph

I must be watching the wrong movies, LOL.  I would not have made this connection even now at age 55, and certainly not as an 8th grader.

[SKL]

Just as an aside, this may well have offended a boy just as much as a girl.

[Farrar]

Mildly inappropriate. But I'm definitely in the take a breath and don't freak out camp. Like, if you want to mention it that it's not really appropriate, then whatever. But I wouldn't make a giant deal. Teachers aren't perfect. This is mildly uncomfortable at worst.

I definitely interpret "kiss and get it over with" really differently than "kiss and make up." The latter is a common phrase that I would not think even really meant "kiss" any more than "raining cats and dogs" actually means there are cats outside. It's a figure of speech. "Kiss and get it over with" also doesn't necessarily mean "kiss" but it is about romance. It's saying that they're fighting because there's romantic tension between the two of them. So I do think that's inappropriate for a teacher to comment on. But also not the end of the world or anything.

[Katy]

If she felt humiliated then it’s the definition of sexual harassment and the teacher needs to be aware and apologize, even though in many non-hs circles it probably wouldn’t be as inappropriate. 

I also think 8th grade is really late for her to not understand something about sexual tension and most public school kids start to understand this somewhere between 3rd & 6th grade. So that, and how to deal with both harassment and tension would be something we’d focus on in the next few months. In addition to watching some rom-coms, even though it’s hard to find ones that aren’t problematic in some way. The world has changed pretty dramatically in the last 20 years and rom coms haven’t been a popular genre. 

[teachermom2834]

1 minute ago, Katy said:

 

I also think 8th grade is really late for her to not understand something about sexual tension and most public school kids start to understand this somewhere between 3rd & 6th grade. So that, and how to deal with both harassment and tension would be something we’d focus on in the next few months. In addition to watching some rom-coms, even though it’s hard to find ones that aren’t problematic in some way. The world has changed pretty dramatically in the last 20 years and rom coms haven’t been a popular genre. 

You are absolutely correct that she should understand more about this than she does. She unintentionally became far more sheltered than we ever intentioned and we literally are working on that. 

[TechWife]

I am blown away by the few people who have suggested that the daughter may be relaying inaccurate or incomplete information. Her perceptions matter. Have we not learned anything over the past few years? BELIEVE WOMEN.

[El...]

1 minute ago, TechWife said:

I am blown away by the few people who have suggested that the daughter may be relaying inaccurate or incomplete information. Her perceptions matter. Have we not learned anything over the past few years? BELIEVE WOMEN.

This is a very good point. 

However, sometimes people don't intend what they convey. I say things that come out wrong all the time. I said something horribly cringey just last week....

It can be a good thing to give them a chance to learn from the interaction. It doesn't excuse them, but it does give grace for growth (and a warning that they're closely observed by attentive parental units 🧐 ).

[teachermom2834]

3 minutes ago, elroisees said:

This is a very good point. 

However, sometimes people don't intend what they convey. I say things that come out wrong all the time. I said something horribly cringey just last week....

It can be a good thing to give them a chance to learn from the interaction. It doesn't excuse them, but it does give grace for growth (and a warning that they're closely observed by attentive parental units 🧐 ).

Totally agree with this.

I say cringey things all the time. 
 

And as far as believing- I sure as heck am going to believe my own dd. That’s really what this whole thing boils down to. I really think this man is just silly and awkward and immature. But my dd needs to know her mom takes her seriously. Not enough to lose my mind and demand heads roll. But yeah, I believe her and she felt uncomfortable and she told me and her concern is valid.