Do you ever feel like you don’t fit in?

[*****]

8 hours ago, Ausmumof3 said:

Mostly I think maybe it’s a bit like - you cant have the perfect friendship or the perfect group but you can maybe just try to enjoy the incidental bits of human contact and conversation that come your way?  This seems to be a kind of lost art.

I feel like a lot of you, haven't found my team (where I live especially).  And I am the one to reach out to organize get-togethers (and I am an introvert typically).  I did get my 2 closest friends together for a dinner the other day, first time since the pandemic started and they were very appreciative. 

I was thinking later how nice it was that none of us are in to facebook , no photos saying: look what we did tonight! (not meaning to offend those who enjoy posting please.) So nice not to have to dress up 'just in case' I need to look stylish for that picture that will be posted somewhere forever! We were just present in the moment. Human contact and conversation exactly.

Edited October 15, 2021 by *****
to clarify

[TravelingChris]

I do so much better on online groups, it seems.  And with various random people- like I was very friendly with some nurses who unfortunately were fired last year and I really miss them.  

I am an INTJ too and there aren't too many females who are.  I tend to often get along better with guys because more of them seem very analytical.  Because I am so analytical, people often think I don't have emotions- I do very much but can see things very analytically too.

I have had a very hard time here because I have increasingly become disabled and that really limits you.  And then it doesn't really help when one of the people you really did become friends with becomes involved in all sorts of conspiracy theories and another dear friend died. ( Neither of them lived near me now but I used to know them in person).

[*****]

4 hours ago, wendyroo said:

Not in my FOO (though they always accepted and supported me), not at school, not in college, not at work, not in our neighborhood, not as a stay at home or homeschool mom, not as a public school mom, etc.

Definitely this. 

school-never fit in with the geeks, jocks, brains...but at least I could relate and be friendly to some individually

college-not a partier and never found my group. Wish I could do it over and just be comfortable with myself doing what I liked. 

work- I am a professional, but always wondered why some women could find 1 other trusted person immediately it seemed and they were always a team.  I never could, but now I wonder if it was because they were  insecure to be by themselves?  idk, but I always the odd man out.

stay at home mom-I had kids when I was older so even though I had friends, they were much younger than me and not the go-to person. They always had to consult their homeschool schedules or their husbands, when I was always ready to go anyplace pretty much on a whim.

homeschool groups-I was always involved in the Christian groups, but as a Catholic (even though it never came up in discussions, so they probably didn't know), always was an outsider and only clicked with 1 friend who moved away early on.  1 thing though, I do appreciate being in those groups because I feel comfortable going to different churches now for social events or services, where this may seem uncomfortable for others to do the same.

Anyway, yes, learning to be thankful for the countryside I live in and to enjoy my trees on my walks...I realized a year ago to just be thankful for the place I live in, it gives me time to reflect in peace. But yeah, I was wondering this same thing recently that there must be others, so why is it so hard to find them in our own communities?

[MEmama]

32 minutes ago, Granny_Weatherwax said:

Oddly enough one of the books I read in Sept was Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging by Brene Brown.
 

I enjoyed the book and found some of her advice to be insightful and relevant. This was my first Brene Brown book and, even though I read reviews that indicate it wasn't her finest work, I enjoyed it. I have a couple of her other books on order from the library.

I enjoyed this book, too!

I haven’t read her others—time for me to hit up the bookshop! 🙂 

[MEmama]

Another book I’ve found inspiring and relevant to this stage of my life is Untamed, by Glennon Doyle. Her words and messaging leave me literally breathless, like she’s reaching into my very soul, digging around and validating all the messiness.

[73349]

👋 Yup.

INFJ (borderline INTJ), not athletic, a religious misfit, crunchy, not into holidays, maybe a little weird in general?. I find maintaining casual relationships challenging (maybe related to EF issues, but also an introvert). I would like a standing time to go for walks with people and drink coffee (outdoors, because germs) and sometimes do volunteer work together. But the friends I have left from teaching are busy and I became the sole organizer somehow, and we haven't made a lot of homeschooling friends (see: weird/religious misfit). I stay at the fringes of things.

It's fine to rest a while, and it's also fine to use phone reminders or something to text people you kind of want to keep up with but don't have a lot of energy for right now.

[Pawz4me]

26 minutes ago, TravelingChris said:

I am an INTJ too and there aren't too many females who are.

 

I think quite a few of us here are. Which isn’t surprising, I don’t think. 

[MEmama]

Ummmm… I know it’s mentioned frequently, but what is INTJ (etc)?

Edited October 15, 2021 by MEmama

[73349]

Just now, MEmama said:

Ummmm… I know it’s mentioned frequently, but what is INTJ? 

From the Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory (which is not scientific, but widely used). People are introverted or extroverted, intuitive or sensing, thinking or feeling, judging or perceiving, IIRC. The types are not equally represented in the population, and INTJ is a less common type.

[WildflowerMom]

I'm an INFJ, too, @Carolina Wren. 

[TexasProud]

Yep, I am well liked. I get along with everyone. I have the ability to bring differing groups together ( Or did when i was out in the world).  But I do not fit anywhere. I am a Mearcstapas.

[kiwik]

Me.  When I was a kid I felt different at school but I loved in an extended family group so out of school it didn't matter.  As an adult I try but it doesn't work that well.  I do think I have ASD.  My youngest has a diagnosis as do about 10 kids among the current generation (my cousins kids but none of my siblings kids so far).  You can see it going back but it was easier to find your niche I think and the schools were calmer and more structured.

[Indigo Blue]

1 hour ago, WildflowerMom said:

I'm an INFJ, too, @Carolina Wren. 

I’m pretty sure I’m an INFJ. That’s the one where you do the “door slam” thing. When you are emotionally done with a toxic person, you just mentally slam the door on them, and you have an invisible wall you put there to protect yourself. 

[TexasProud]

4 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

I’m pretty sure I’m an INFJ. That’s the one where you do the “door slam” thing. When you are emotionally done with a toxic person, you just mentally slam the door on them, and you have an invisible wall you put there to protect yourself. 

I am an ENFJ. I wonder if they do the same thing.

[WildflowerMom]

28 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

I’m pretty sure I’m an INFJ. That’s the one where you do the “door slam” thing. When you are emotionally done with a toxic person, you just mentally slam the door on them, and you have an invisible wall you put there to protect yourself. 

Oh yeah, I've slammed the door several times as an adult.  

 

 

 

 

[Momto6inIN]

Nobody fits in completely with any group. It's a lie Satan tells us to make us feel alone and ostracized. Even the most popular put together person you could ever imagine feels like she doesn't belong sometimes.

[Indigo Blue]

15 hours ago, YaelAldrich said:

 

I come to NC every six weeks. But honestly I'll come wherever something is held. If anyone wants to work on this I'll happily join in to share the burden.

If/when you come, maybe we could post here, or I could pm the ones that may be close. If anyone wants to and is able, maybe we could.

[footballmom]

I just wanted to come back and thank everyone who has replied so far.  I got a little emotional reading responses because they resonated with me in a way that hasn’t been a part of day to day conversations with people IRL.  @Momto6inIN I don’t disagree with what you are saying, but it’s not about one group of moms that we aren’t instant besties.  It’s about feeling on the fringe of things and I long for a friendship where I can feel fully seen and connected and accepted.  I treasure my relationship with DH but long for the friend thing too.  And being willing to step back and see your friendships for what they are is a gift, but can be a lonely place too.  
 

I do love the idea of swag for Team Misfit / Team Hibernate ❤️ 

[TexasProud]

21 minutes ago, footballmom said:

I just wanted to come back and thank everyone who has replied so far.  I got a little emotional reading responses because they resonated with me in a way that hasn’t been a part of day to day conversations with people IRL.  @Momto6inIN I don’t disagree with what you are saying, but it’s not about one group of moms that we aren’t instant besties.  It’s about feeling on the fringe of things and I long for a friendship where I can feel fully seen and connected and accepted.  
 

 

Yeah, for some of us not so much. i don't really want to be seen.  I like a lot of I don't know if superficial is the right word, but arm's length relationships. I like to see a lot of people. I want to pray for them, talk to them, hear about their interesting or hard day, but people actually knowing me... yeah, no.  It is why I vent on here.

[Momto6inIN]

@footballmom I didn't mean to discount your feelings ... I'm sorry if it came across that way! I just think a lot of people feel like they're the only ones who feel this way, when in reality, all of us feel this way. 

[Shoeless]

On 10/15/2021 at 3:17 PM, Granny_Weatherwax said:

Oddly enough one of the books I read in Sept was Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging by Brene Brown.
 

I enjoyed the book and found some of her advice to be insightful and relevant. This was my first Brene Brown book and, even though I read reviews that indicate it wasn't her finest work, I enjoyed it. I have a couple of her other books on order from the library.

I love Brene Brown. She's like everyone's wise auntie. ❤️ 

[Ditto]

23 hours ago, MEmama said:

Another book I’ve found inspiring and relevant to this stage of my life is Untamed, by Glennon Doyle. Her words and messaging leave me literally breathless, like she’s reaching into my very soul, digging around and validating all the messiness.

I just finished this book and felt the same way.   Her other books were also very good and spoke to my heart as well.

[Ditto]

23 hours ago, Carolina Wren said:

👋 Yup.

INFJ (borderline INTJ), not athletic, a religious misfit, crunchy, not into holidays, maybe a little weird in general?. I find maintaining casual relationships challenging (maybe related to EF issues, but also an introvert). I would like a standing time to go for walks with people and drink coffee (outdoors, because germs) and sometimes do volunteer work together. But the friends I have left from teaching are busy and I became the sole organizer somehow, and we haven't made a lot of homeschooling friends (see: weird/religious misfit). I stay at the fringes of things.

It's fine to rest a while, and it's also fine to use phone reminders or something to text people you kind of want to keep up with but don't have a lot of energy for right now.

 

23 hours ago, WildflowerMom said:

I'm an INFJ, too, @Carolina Wren. 

I am also INFJ.   

21 hours ago, WildflowerMom said:

Oh yeah, I've slammed the door several times as an adult.  

 

 

 

 

Yep.  Very recently too.  

[Shoeless]

I've been thinking about this post a bunch. For a long time, I really wanted to be part of a "group". I had that dynamic in high school, college, and when I lived in the USAF barracks. I have not been able to consistently recreate that experience since I left the USAF. 

For me, I think I was trying to find a surrogate family.  I wanted a "Cheers" kind of thing: someplace where everyone knows my name, where I'm accepted, and I don't have to question whether or not I belong there.  My step-parents made it very clear that I did not belong in any sphere where they also existed, and my presence at any family event was conditional upon their approval. I've always lived in an unhealthy mental space of trying too hard to be liked and desperately wanting to "fit in".  That feeling leads to all sorts of bad decisions and bad relationships. 

I've finally hit a point where I sort of...don't care? Like, I don't specifically want to "belong to a group".  I want to socialize and have friends, and I'd like a regular social outlet like I described in a previous comment, but the need to "belong to a group" has greatly diminished. I don't have the mental energy anymore for people-pleasing or trying to package myself in a way that is more palatable to others.  I'm at a "take it or leave it" place. 

[Ditto]

On 10/15/2021 at 8:59 AM, WildflowerMom said:

Definitely Team Misfit here.   I don’t fit in anywhere.   It’s hard isn’t it?   No friends to connect with, family kinda looks at you with a side eye.   My dog ‘gets’ me.  That’s something, I guess.    I wish I had a good friendship, just one, someone I could go walk with or go thrifting with just sit around and drink coffee with.  

I could have written this word for word.  Are you sure you didn't read my mind?

[WildflowerMom]

21 minutes ago, Ditto said:

I could have written this word for word.  Are you sure you didn't read my mind?

Wish you were closer.  We could fill the void for each other!

[chocolate-chip chooky]

I feel like I'm pretty polarising. 

And I'm mostly okay with that. The ones who love me as I am stick around, and they'll have my back forever more, just as I'll have theirs.

But this group could be counted on one hand, with fingers to spare.

I expect we're all here on this board for a reason, you know?

[Granny_Weatherwax]

23 hours ago, footballmom said:

I just wanted to come back and thank everyone who has replied so far.  I got a little emotional reading responses because they resonated with me in a way that hasn’t been a part of day to day conversations with people IRL.  @Momto6inIN I don’t disagree with what you are saying, but it’s not about one group of moms that we aren’t instant besties.  It’s about feeling on the fringe of things and I long for a friendship where I can feel fully seen and connected and accepted.  I treasure my relationship with DH but long for the friend thing too.  And being willing to step back and see your friendships for what they are is a gift, but can be a lonely place too.  
 

I do love the idea of swag for Team Misfit / Team Hibernate ❤️ 

I totally get this.

I have contemplated leaving FB for many years due to the pics and recaps of Girl's Weekends, winery tours, and pajama nights, etc I would give anything to be a part of a close knit tribe. Re being on the fringe: it sucks. I'm enough of a friend to be FB friends but not enough to be close IRL. I can see the fun and joy of friendship groups but am not a part of a group.  It is a special kind of loneliness.

--

On the Myers-Briggs, I test INTJ. But I'm a conundrum - I wear my heart on my sleeve and, no matter how hard I try, I cannot hide what I am feeling. 

I remember taking a membership class for my most recent church. It was a course on determining our spiritual gifts and finding our place to serve the congregation. I was excited that, finally, I would have someone (the Holy Spirit, the pastor) tell me who I was and what I should do. I was going to BE!! I was going to have a place and a service group to be a part of.

Well, I took the test and answered honestly. In class the next Sunday, I was first to raise my hand to offer my results and find my place. The pastor leading the class looked at me after my reveal and stated something to the effect that I had done something wrong because my top two spiritual gifts could not coincide. He went on to say that those two gifts together were problematic, spiritually incompatible, and the person with those two gifts would be in a constant spiritual struggle. I openly cried. I took the test again and got the same result. I was never assigned to a service position and my time at that church was frought with unrest (and a bit of gossip because everyone ended up finding out my results; evidently what happens in Sunday School class doesn't stay in Sunday School class). I guess my point is that even the church couldn't help me find a place to fit in.

Edited October 17, 2021 by Granny_Weatherwax
spelling corrections

[Indigo Blue]

Sorry that happened to you, @Granny_Weatherwax. I can’t hide how I feel either. I can’t even pretend to like someone after I have decided there is just cause for a “door slam”. Polite, yes. But I don’t pretend. No grudge, no hate. Just simply done. The benefit of the doubt bucket ran out long ago, and once that point is reached, there is no faking it. Don’t know if that’s good or bad. 
 

It wasn’t you, though. That was strange and weird.  No one needs that in their life. 

[Murphy101]

Just all day every day my whole life. 

Honestly I think fitting in is a myth. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t feel this way most of the time.

So I let go of the “fitting in” desire decades ago and I’m happier for it.

I don’t have to fit in with the ladies at knit night to enjoy coffee and interests in what we are all making.

I don’t have to fit in with the other women who teach Catechesis to enjoy teaching it twice a week. 

I don’t have to fit in with the other ice skate moms sitting on the benches. I can smile and say hi and go enjoy being on the ice with my kids.

I don’t have to fit in to enjoy a group or activity or my life.

I don’t have to fit in to attend mass with all the other sinners.

Oddly enough, that mentality has helped me make some great friends over the years. Because my friends don’t have to fit in with me either. They tend to be very different personalities and have very different interests from me and each other. And yet here we are with wonderful lifelong friendships.

I don’t think I’d have a single friendship if it required fitting in.

[scholastica]

4 hours ago, Granny_Weatherwax said:

I totally get this.

I have contemplated leaving FB for many years due to the pics and recaps of Girl's Weekends, winery tours, and pajama nights, etc I would give anything to be a part of a close knit tribe. Re being on the fringe: it sucks. I'm enough of a friend to be FB friends but not enough to be close IRL. I can see the fun and joy of friendship groups but am not a part of a group.  It is a special kind of loneliness.

--

On the Myers-Briggs, I test INTJ. But I'm a conundrum - I wear my heart on my sleeve and, no matter how hard I try, I cannot hide what I am feeling. 

I remember taking a membership class for my most recent church. It was a course on determining our spiritual gifts and finding our place to serve the congregation. I was excited that, finally, I would have someone (the Holy Spirit, the pastor) tell me who I was and what I should do. I was going to BE!! I was going to have a place and a service group to be a part of.

Well, I took the test and answered honestly. In class the next Sunday, I was first to raise my hand to offer my results and find my place. The pastor leading the class looked at me after my reveal and stated something to the effect that I had done something wrong because my top two spiritual gifts could not coincide. He went on to say that those two gifts together were problematic, spiritually incompatible, and the person with those two gifts would be in a constant spiritual struggle. I openly cried. I took the test again and got the same result. I was never assigned to a service position and my time at that church was frought with unrest (and a bit of gossip because everyone ended up finding out my results; evidently what happens in Sunday School class doesn't stay in Sunday School class). I guess my point is that even the church couldn't help me find a place to fit in.

That sounds like a really bad leader. I’m sorry this happened to you.

[Harriet Vane]

8 hours ago, Granny_Weatherwax said:

I totally get this.

I have contemplated leaving FB for many years due to the pics and recaps of Girl's Weekends, winery tours, and pajama nights, etc I would give anything to be a part of a close knit tribe. Re being on the fringe: it sucks. I'm enough of a friend to be FB friends but not enough to be close IRL. I can see the fun and joy of friendship groups but am not a part of a group.  It is a special kind of loneliness.

--

On the Myers-Briggs, I test INTJ. But I'm a conundrum - I wear my heart on my sleeve and, no matter how hard I try, I cannot hide what I am feeling. 

I remember taking a membership class for my most recent church. It was a course on determining our spiritual gifts and finding our place to serve the congregation. I was excited that, finally, I would have someone (the Holy Spirit, the pastor) tell me who I was and what I should do. I was going to BE!! I was going to have a place and a service group to be a part of.

Well, I took the test and answered honestly. In class the next Sunday, I was first to raise my hand to offer my results and find my place. The pastor leading the class looked at me after my reveal and stated something to the effect that I had done something wrong because my top two spiritual gifts could not coincide. He went on to say that those two gifts together were problematic, spiritually incompatible, and the person with those two gifts would be in a constant spiritual struggle. I openly cried. I took the test again and got the same result. I was never assigned to a service position and my time at that church was frought with unrest (and a bit of gossip because everyone ended up finding out my results; evidently what happens in Sunday School class doesn't stay in Sunday School class). I guess my point is that even the church couldn't help me find a place to fit in.

The pastor leading the class was an idiot, both for saying such dumb stuff when humans are obviously infinitely variable and also for not gladly using the kindly offered services of a willing volunteer. Both of those and everything else in your post indicates that it was a really dysfunctional environment. Just toss their opinions into the bin.

I will confess to loving personality tests even as I readily admit results can be manipulated based on mood or seasons of life or perception of what we want to be rather than what we are. We do our best and we use the introspection to better understand ourselves and our role in the world. INFJ here. 

As a long-time Christian and someone who does literature analysis as a career, I will say that I struggle quite a bit more with spiritual gifts quizzes. I think they can be kind of fun when you're not sure what you want to volunteer to do at church or to shed light on personality and inclinations. But it is my opinion that Paul's list of gifts was intended to be a bunch of good examples, not a strictly proscribed and exact and finite list. God empowers us in many ways and is not limited. 

I'm so sorry you were so invalidated in that moment with that dysfunctional church leader. There are dysfunctional people in any population. Not all Christians are like that. 

Edited October 17, 2021 by Harriet Vane
Typos. Butterfingers.

[Rosie_0801]

7 hours ago, Granny_Weatherwax said:

I remember taking a membership class for my most recent church. It was a course on determining our spiritual gifts and finding our place to serve the congregation. I was excited that, finally, I would have someone (the Holy Spirit, the pastor) tell me who I was and what I should do. I was going to BE!! I was going to have a place and a service group to be a part of.

Well, that pastor lacks imagination and has the tact and diplomacy of a brick through a window.

You'd get better advice from Terry Pratchett.

[Emba]

I know the feeling of not fitting in. It’s the story of my life and I don’t really feel bothered by it much anymore. In a group I often feel left out and different, even if people are pretty friendly. I don’t need groups, really. I just use them to find individuals that I click with. We don’t have to be alike in all ways, just in a few deep ones.

 It can take me a long time to find the individuals that become my friends, however. Part of what makes the difference between a friend and an acquaintance for me is that we’re both willing to put the work in to keep the friendship going. If I’m the only one trying, I let it go when I am tired of doing the work. Sometimes it makes me sad but so does doing all of the work to keep in contact and not feeling if it reciprocated.

Edited October 18, 2021 by Emba

[Insertcreativenamehere]

Yup. I have lost touch with most of my childhood friends although we're still connected on Facebook - we just don't have much in common.

I do keep in touch with a few college friends and our visits (a few times a year) are deep and meaningful - but I seem to be the one coordinating all of the time. We don't talk much in between visits.

Church was an important place of connection for me but that went away for a long time with Covid, and then we had a big shake-up staff-wise which led to a lot of people leaving. I pretty much have just acquaintances left. I'm kind of an outlier there, too, as a homeschooler and as a special needs mom. I connect well 1:1 and in small groups but as an introvert, I have a hard time just going up to people and initiating the conversation. 

At co-op, I teach, so I don't connect much with the other moms.

My two older boys' school has a Mom's Prayer Group but I can't attend due to the fact that I am still homeschooling one kid. 

At kids' activities, it's hard to connect because I'm usually managing my special needs kid, or dropping off and then rushing from activity to another. 

It's hard.

Edited October 18, 2021 by Insertcreativenamehere

[Granny_Weatherwax]

16 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Well, that pastor lacks imagination and has the tact and diplomacy of a brick through a window.

You'd get better advice from Terry Pratchett.

LOL

Thank you. I am adding to my Pratchett collection and using tidbits of wisdom to make me smile. I also enjoy playing with Thunder (Granny Aching's dog's namesake) and anticipate adding Lightning to our home in a few years.

Just so you all know - that church has had a complete turnover in pastoral leadership. I haven't been there in years and I often wonder if things are different.

And thank you all for the kind words. It was not my intent to seek validation. I just wanted to share another experience of how I felt I didn't fit in.

[Cecropia]

Oh yes.  I often feel like a ghost in this world.  I see and hear and may attempt to communicate, but I'm just forgettable somehow.  There are plenty of my own traits (both conscious and innate) that work against me, so it's not necessarily the world's fault.  Sometimes it makes me sad.  A lifetime of this has given me significant social anxiety.  I am even reluctant to post online in communities where I often lurk, like this one.  Will she post this, she wonders, or will she delete it?

I probably make this all sound terribly depressing, but I really don't mind being limited to just myself for company.  I find myself quickly exhausted by interaction outside my immediate family, even when it's overwhelmingly positive... so in the end, being isolated is probably for the best. (INFP/INTP)

[Rosie_0801]

8 minutes ago, Cecropia said:

A lifetime of this has given me significant social anxiety.  I am even reluctant to post online in communities where I often lurk, like this one.  Will she post this, she wonders, or will she delete it?

Blab all you want. The rest of us do. 🥴😂

[Shoeless]

On 10/17/2021 at 8:42 AM, Granny_Weatherwax said:

I totally get this.

I have contemplated leaving FB for many years due to the pics and recaps of Girl's Weekends, winery tours, and pajama nights, etc I would give anything to be a part of a close knit tribe. Re being on the fringe: it sucks. I'm enough of a friend to be FB friends but not enough to be close IRL. I can see the fun and joy of friendship groups but am not a part of a group.  It is a special kind of loneliness.

--

On the Myers-Briggs, I test INTJ. But I'm a conundrum - I wear my heart on my sleeve and, no matter how hard I try, I cannot hide what I am feeling. 

I remember taking a membership class for my most recent church. It was a course on determining our spiritual gifts and finding our place to serve the congregation. I was excited that, finally, I would have someone (the Holy Spirit, the pastor) tell me who I was and what I should do. I was going to BE!! I was going to have a place and a service group to be a part of.

Well, I took the test and answered honestly. In class the next Sunday, I was first to raise my hand to offer my results and find my place. The pastor leading the class looked at me after my reveal and stated something to the effect that I had done something wrong because my top two spiritual gifts could not coincide. He went on to say that those two gifts together were problematic, spiritually incompatible, and the person with those two gifts would be in a constant spiritual struggle. I openly cried. I took the test again and got the same result. I was never assigned to a service position and my time at that church was frought with unrest (and a bit of gossip because everyone ended up finding out my results; evidently what happens in Sunday School class doesn't stay in Sunday School class). I guess my point is that even the church couldn't help me find a place to fit in.

Re: girls weekends and winery tours

My sister's are into the winery tour and girls weekend thing. I used to feel bad about not having that sort of thing in my life. But when I thought hard about it, I realized I would hate that kind of event. I am a grown woman. I am not into the giggly girly stuff anymore, and I don't think any of this stuff would become more satisfying if I just found the right "tribe" to share it with.

[East Coast Sue]

On 10/14/2021 at 10:17 PM, regentrude said:

I have never felt like I fit in since in my adult life after college.

Not with the homeschool group - I was the only mother who was working a regular job.
Not with my female faculty colleagues - for a long time, I was only part time, and now that I am full time, I still only teach and don't have a tenure track/tenured position.
Not in my womens' circle - I am a scientist, don't do crystals, know that mercury in retrograde isn't a thing, and am not into affirmations and toxic positivity.
Not with the poet guys who are connected to the local arts center - I am not an alcoholic, not mentally ill, not abused, don't hate the world, and I actually love my parents. 
I have individual friends. But I never feel I fit with any groups.

Oh, and yes to it taking a lot of energy and effort to maintain connections if the others don't pull their weight. I have written about this here before - I am so sick of always being the one to reach out, check in, initiate get togethers, invite. The pandemic has exacerbated this because you'd not run into anyone by coincidence - every interaction had to be planned.  Feeling like nobody cares about me enough to reach out was depressing and exhausting and makes me want to not do it anymore.

Everything Regentrude said. Sing it, sister. 

[Carol in Cal.]

On 10/14/2021 at 7:17 PM, regentrude said:

I have never felt like I fit in since in my adult life after college.

Not with the homeschool group - I was the only mother who was working a regular job.
Not with my female faculty colleagues - for a long time, I was only part time, and now that I am full time, I still only teach and don't have a tenure track/tenured position.
Not in my womens' circle - I am a scientist, don't do crystals, know that mercury in retrograde isn't a thing, and am not into affirmations and toxic positivity.
Not with the poet guys who are connected to the local arts center - I am not an alcoholic, not mentally ill, not abused, don't hate the world, and I actually love my parents. 
I have individual friends. But I never feel I fit with any groups.

Oh, and yes to it taking a lot of energy and effort to maintain connections if the others don't pull their weight. I have written about this here before - I am so sick of always being the one to reach out, check in, initiate get togethers, invite. The pandemic has exacerbated this because you'd not run into anyone by coincidence - every interaction had to be planned.  Feeling like nobody cares about me enough to reach out was depressing and exhausting and makes me want to not do it anymore.

Our book club just read “Big Magic” by the eat pray love author, and I think you would like it.

She talks a lot about how disfunction actually impairs the creative life rather than enhancing it.  

[HS Mom in NC]

On 10/17/2021 at 9:42 AM, Granny_Weatherwax said:

I totally get this.

I have contemplated leaving FB for many years due to the pics and recaps of Girl's Weekends, winery tours, and pajama nights, etc I would give anything to be a part of a close knit tribe. Re being on the fringe: it sucks. I'm enough of a friend to be FB friends but not enough to be close IRL. I can see the fun and joy of friendship groups but am not a part of a group.  It is a special kind of loneliness.

--

On the Myers-Briggs, I test INTJ. But I'm a conundrum - I wear my heart on my sleeve and, no matter how hard I try, I cannot hide what I am feeling. 

I remember taking a membership class for my most recent church. It was a course on determining our spiritual gifts and finding our place to serve the congregation. I was excited that, finally, I would have someone (the Holy Spirit, the pastor) tell me who I was and what I should do. I was going to BE!! I was going to have a place and a service group to be a part of.

Well, I took the test and answered honestly. In class the next Sunday, I was first to raise my hand to offer my results and find my place. The pastor leading the class looked at me after my reveal and stated something to the effect that I had done something wrong because my top two spiritual gifts could not coincide. He went on to say that those two gifts together were problematic, spiritually incompatible, and the person with those two gifts would be in a constant spiritual struggle. I openly cried. I took the test again and got the same result. I was never assigned to a service position and my time at that church was frought with unrest (and a bit of gossip because everyone ended up finding out my results; evidently what happens in Sunday School class doesn't stay in Sunday School class). I guess my point is that even the church couldn't help me find a place to fit in.

Are people still using those scam tests?  There isn't anything biblical about those tests. The bible doesn't describe those gifts in detail, so the tests are made up by randos based on what they imagine them to be.  And there are various tests on spiritual gifts, so it's really a bunch of randos brainstorming based on their imaginations and personal experiences and coming up with different conclusions.  You really need a higher quality church with higher quality pastors and teachers who have clue what the bible actually does and does not say on the matter of spiritual gifting.

Edited October 19, 2021 by Homeschool Mom in AZ

[SKL]

I've really never felt like I "fit in" since KG.  So I'm used to it, and it doesn't really bother me generally.

I've had friends, but we've drifted apart through life's changes, and some of them have died.  (Damn tobacco!).  I do still have some good friends from grad school.

Once in a while, I wish I had someone I could just chat with about life ... other than my housemates, who are also business partners and who tend to judge me more than I'd prefer.  But I guess that's too much to ask.  I spread my vents around between my housemates, sisters, online buddies, and kids, depending on what the topic is.  😛

[SKL]

On 10/15/2021 at 4:40 PM, TravelingChris said:

I do so much better on online groups, it seems.  And with various random people- like I was very friendly with some nurses who unfortunately were fired last year and I really miss them.  

I am an INTJ too and there aren't too many females who are.  I tend to often get along better with guys because more of them seem very analytical.  Because I am so analytical, people often think I don't have emotions- I do very much but can see things very analytically too.

I have had a very hard time here because I have increasingly become disabled and that really limits you.  And then it doesn't really help when one of the people you really did become friends with becomes involved in all sorts of conspiracy theories and another dear friend died. ( Neither of them lived near me now but I used to know them in person).

Interesting.  I too am an INTJ as are 3 of the 4 females I live with.

The one here who isn't, often accuses me of not having emotions / not "caring."

[HS Mom in NC]

If people want to go a WTM get together, participants need to have realistic expectations and come prepared.  When SWB was in PHX for her curriculum presentation to Great Hearts English departments about, oh dunno, 6-8ish years ago maybe, boardies in the area were invited to watch her and go for drinks with her after at a local restaurant.  You know what happened at the table?  Most people sat quietly.  A few of us were willing to talk, but most people weren't.  There must've been a dozen people at the table.  So my advice is if you plan to have a get together, you should plan on contributing to the conversation.  You shouldn't just take, you should also give. That means practicing initiating and maintaining conversation beforehand, having a prepared list of things to talk about, and not giving in to awkward silences. For some it's more natural than others, and some have learned to override their natural tendencies in this department, so work on it if you need to-these are skills that can be learned.

[Shoeless]

4 hours ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

If people want to go a WTM get together, participants need to have realistic expectations and come prepared.  When SWB was in PHX for her curriculum presentation to Great Hearts English departments about, oh dunno, 6-8ish years ago maybe, boardies in the area were invited to watch her and go for drinks with her after at a local restaurant.  You know what happened at the table?  Most people sat quietly.  A few of us were willing to talk, but most people weren't.  There must've been a dozen people at the table.  So my advice is if you plan to have a get together, you should plan on contributing to the conversation.  You shouldn't just take, you should also give. That means practicing initiating and maintaining conversation beforehand, having a prepared list of things to talk about, and not giving in to awkward silences. For some it's more natural than others, and some have learned to override their natural tendencies in this department, so work on it if you need to-these are skills that can be learned.

This is good advice for any situation where you are meeting people for the first time. I have met a lot of people on line that will not put themselves out there in conversation when meeting face to face. They say they find meeting people exhausting or like dating, and how they hate small talk. Then they go on to say how lonely they are, after doing absolutely zero to get out there and meet people. 

It takes effort and work to build relationships. It's probably going to involve some small talk until you know the other person well.

The odds of meeting someone one time and "clicking" where it all feels effortless and comfortable are extremely low! 

[Granny_Weatherwax]

15 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:

Our book club just read “Big Magic” by the eat pray love author, and I think you would like it.

She talks a lot about how disfunction actually impairs the creative life rather than enhancing it.  

I read Big Magic earlier this year. One quote I keep repeating to myself is "Do you have the courage to bring forth the treasures hidden within you?" Jack Gilbert

The idea that I have treasures to find and share and that all I have to do is get past my fears and insecurities gives me a bit of hope.

[Rosie_0801]

1 minute ago, Granny_Weatherwax said:

The idea that I have treasures to find and share and that all I have to do is get past my fears and insecurities gives me a bit of hope.

My favourite paintings are the ones where I've captured a glimpse of someone's personal magic, what you're calling treasure.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Just now, Rosie_0801 said:

My favourite paintings are the ones where I've captured a glimpse of someone's personal magic, what you're calling treasure.

Oh yes. It's wonderful and magnificent when you find a 'thing' that touches your heart and spirit. I love going to art museums and finding a piece that speaks to me. The chills. The sense of awe. The connection to something or someone. Sometimes there are no words to convey what I feel and those are the times I like best. The times I feel just a bit more settled, more complete.

[ShepCarlin]

Oh this has been a good thread. I see myself in so many of these posts. Nice to see some fellow INFJ's on here. I've slammed the door quite a few times in the last 20 year or so. I've always felt like I didn't fit in...from elementary school days to present day. I don't ever seem to think "mainstream" but at the same time I'm not as "off the grid" as some. The pandemic has been especially rough as people I thought were good friends attacked me because I've been extremely cautious due to an asthmatic son and health issues of my own. I was called stupid and ridiculous because I wore my mask everywhere for a long time (still wearing it indoors). Not saying this to start a COVID thread but it is already hard to for me to make and keep friends that COVID divisions really knocked me down. I've always had trust issues and don't let many people get close to me. I do have one very close and dear friend that I tell everything to to but we don't get to talk as much as we'd like.

I feel pretty lonely at times. I have a great relationship with my husband but he's been so busy with work and is heavily involved in our boys' scout troop that I don't get to see him as much as I need/want to. Our oldest is graduating this year and his brother is in 9th grade. I had a minor meltdown last night because I realized I've spent all these years nurturing and homeschooling the boys and focusing on family life that I really didn't keep my own personal life afloat. Absolutely no regrets on the time focused on the family. But it is such a struggle to find a tribe! 

What is funny is that while I have a hard time opening up to people and finding connections, complete strangers are always coming up to me telling me EVERYTHING. I mean EVERYTHING...from a woman considering leaving her husband to one who told me intricate details about her feminine hygiene issues at the grocery store. I guess I look like someone to talk to? But then they quickly fade away (I mean, who wants to make friends with the stranger you just told your deepest, darkest secrets to?)

To the OP, thank you for posting. I think you helped some of us realize it isn't "just me" and seeing that can make a world of difference.