help with sticky family situation

[saraha]

Short version, can add more detail if needed.

Sunday is MIL's birthday. The plan originally had been for all children and grandchildren to come for an outside party with everyone to try to social distance. This plan was pushing the outside of my dh and I's comfort zone. Now they are calling for rain that day, and dh's sister and brother want to just say screw it were having a party inside with food etc (well that's how brother portrayed it, I want dh to contact his sister to get it from the horses mouth). Brother called my dh to try to talk him into this plan. Dh said we would talk and call him back.

I don't feel comfortable with this at all, but if we are ultimately outvoted and they go and we don't, that makes us the bad guys. Dh is the youngest.

I did suggest we put up their big canopy outside, dh hasn't shared this idea yet.

Thanks!

[Spryte]

I would want to reschedule for a day her birthday can be celebrated outside.

Nothing would say Unhappy Birthday like inadvertently spreading virus to family members.  

There are too many stories about multiple family members becoming ill from parties for my comfort.  

YMMV.  I know some here will disagree.

[saraha]

Honestly I am afraid dh is going to cave, not because he has analyzed data and said hmm, maybe we can loosen up as a family etc. But because of pressure from his siblings. I really don't want this to be a me against him or us against them thing, but I am afraid that is what is coming

[Tiberia]

I would not go, and I'd accept the party-pooper accusation. There are so many stories about "just one little party/choir practice/church meeting"... being the source of an outbreak. Not worth the chance, especially if MIL is older.

Sounds like they know they are going against the guidelines, so it's not like you're being the bad guys. Just say you're going to stick with the state/health department guidelines, and you'll find another way to make it special for MIL. You have to decide what you're going to do, then stick with it. I would not want my in-laws to pressure me to do something against my conscience or better judgement. 

I've had to decline a few invitations, and I just say I'm not comfortable being in groups yet. 

Good luck. This is hard. I would just say "sorry, can't make it if it's inside..." and keep repeating even if they pressure. 

[Bambam]

I'd talk honestly with DH, and look at the possibility of getting sick. A big factor for me would be how are your relatives behaving - going everywhere/doing everything or basically staying at home. I know that is no guarantee they aren't contagious, but I'd feel more comfortable if they were in the first grouping. It would also depend upon how high risk any of my immediate family are. 

But I'd strongly suggest rescheduling till it can be outdoors. At that age, it's fine to reschedule birthdays to a time/location convenient for everyone. 

But so much depends upon your comfort level. 

I remember my dh didn't have any problems with his dad's driving. I did. I told he was free to ride with his dad, but for me and the kids, we would NOT be riding with that man any more. It was not safe. 

[bolt.]

I'd have no problem playing the party pooper in that situation. I'd also feel fine about putting my foot down with my husband: I'm not in charge of him, but I would not give my consent for my kids to go to an illegal and dangerous party, nor would I go myself.

Diplomatically I might say something not quite to the point, like, "That's a few too many people for us. Why don't we come another day and extend the fun over the week." -- or something similarly soft but firm.

[PeterPan]

Maybe it would work to find out the local regulations and blame it on the law? My mother wanted the family to get together and was on the edge of taking it really hard. Then one family member pointed out that she (that family member) could lose her gov't job if it came out that she had violated the laws/regulations and that she didn't want to take that chance. 

And no, I don't see how someone has a family get together with "social distancing" mercy. You really think grandma isn't going to be hugging those grandbabies?? Of course she is, lol. If it's ok with social distancing, do it with Zoom and be done with it.

If you wait a month, maybe this dies down, you have a party, and things are slow enough that it's legal and possibly safer and with better weather to boot. 

[saraha]

I wish, but no

[I talk to the trees]

Nope. Be the bad guy. You can apologize later when the crisis is over.  Put your foot down now before your dh caves. 

[PeterPan]

5 minutes ago, saraha said:

I wish, but no

So if your family preferences go *beyond* the law or what your mayor or county is recommending, then I can see where that's a hard sell with the family. Our state still has SIP through the end of the month. So your shindig would be a total not supposed to be happening in our state. But if it's cool in your state and county or whatever, then I think find what you *are* comfortable with. Like what if your dh goes and your kids don't? He wears a mask, and only he goes. There would be ways.

I think everybody has these sticky issues, whether it's families or church, and we're all working it out. I think I would feel terrible if my elderly relative got sick because I brought 20 people in. But if that relative is like I want hugs and it's allowed in your area, then it's more just what you need to do to feel like you're staying safe. No one else decides what is good for your kids except you two as parents. So they only go if you both are comfortable. But if one spouse wants to go and not the other, that's something to work out.

It sounds like you're wanting a solution where you all go or all don't, but that seems to violate what you want. So I say, parents decide what is best for their kids, not anyone else. And parents decide (hopefully with agreement of the other) how the parents comport themselves.

[KungFuPanda]

I just heard that a co-op family all caught Covid . . .parents, kids, and grandparents.  .They lost a set of grandparents. It's terrible and a party isn't worth it.

[katilac]

33 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

 He wears a mask, and only he goes.  

If he wears a mask, it will be to protect other attendees. It will not protect him, nor, by extension, the family he goes home to. 

OP, someone calling you a bad guy doesn't make you one. He should hold strong to the original agreement. It may well be that his sister will be glad if he does! Even if not, you are not the bad guys for doing what your family agreed upon and is comfortable with. You do you. 

What would I do? Well, a lot would depend on how many people would be attending and how well you can distance inside. I was inside with nine people yesterday in a very open and spacious house, but 5 of them have been in my quarantine bubble all along (so 4  people I haven't seen since quarantine began, all adults who haven't been working outside the home, and who understand physical distancing and practice good hygiene, lol). I would be less comfortable with more people, people who have been working outside the home, and with a group of children - even the best taught do not practice personal hygiene on an adult level. The canopy would increase my comfort, but how many young cousins will be playing together? You would have to plan to watch them more closely than usual, and be prepared to hear people telling you how fine it is for them to play closely and roughhouse and whatnot. If dh's brother is trying to wear him down about the change in plans, I predict he is also going to try and wear him down about physical distancing rules once there. 

But it honestly falls back to what you and dh have discussed and agreed upon and are currently comfortable with. It looks like you have 6 kids of varying ages. Ask dh is he is comfortable knowing that he really won't be able to put the genie back in the bottle - once you guys go past what you've been doing, it's going to be hella hard to get them committed to the idea of going backwards again. I mean, they are clearly not going to believe that y'all think it isn't safe, right? So there may be lots of ripple effects from this one decision. 

[Reefgazer]

4 hours ago, saraha said:

Short version, can add more detail if needed.

Sunday is MIL's birthday. The plan originally had been for all children and grandchildren to come for an outside party with everyone to try to social distance. This plan was pushing the outside of my dh and I's comfort zone. Now they are calling for rain that day, and dh's sister and brother want to just say screw it were having a party inside with food etc (well that's how brother portrayed it, I want dh to contact his sister to get it from the horses mouth). Brother called my dh to try to talk him into this plan. Dh said we would talk and call him back.

I don't feel comfortable with this at all, but if we are ultimately outvoted and they go and we don't, that makes us the bad guys. Dh is the youngest.

I did suggest we put up their big canopy outside, dh hasn't shared this idea yet.

Thanks!

I think a canopy is a great compromise.  Hopefully, they will accept this idea.

[Tap]

Think of this way. FFWD to two weeks after the party. Someone in your family is very ill, in the hospital, or worse.  😞

What would that FFWD version of yourself, tell current you to do? 

 

Edited May 16, 2020 by Tap

[Pawz4me]

DH opted out of a family event last weekend. It was outside. Still, it was outside of our comfort zone. But DH is super high risk. BIL thinks all of this is a hoax, so I'm sure he was contemptuous. We care not.

[kiwik]

I think you don't go whether it is inside or outside.  MIL will want to hug the kids, the cousins will want to play together and you will end up stressed and grumpy and quite likely have a row with at least one person.

[Zebra]

It seems to me like you know what you should do, you just don't want to. 

I think you are looking for a harmonious solution, and there isn't one.   

I have an absolute mess of a dysfunctional family, and I would be running a meth ring with them if I wasn't constantly "the bad guy".   So maybe my perspective is skewed.  😉

[Guest]

I don’t know what the answer is but we’re in a similar situation. I think there are going to be a whole lot of situations like this as restrictions are lifted and the virus wears on. 

 

[Meriwether]

For me, it would depend on what the area is like. Our home county is has many open cases right now. My parents' county had its last (of 6) cases weeks ago. We quarantined at home before visiting to make sure we wouldn't make anyone sick, but we've been down here for weeks visiting freely between my parents and sister. It is just a totally different situation here.

[Kassia]

I wouldn't do it and would just take the blame as the bad guy (it wouldn't be the first time or the last :p).  Even if the risk is low, it's still not worth the risk, IMO.  There are other options where you can celebrate in a safer way for everyone.  

[I talk to the trees]

I had an idea whilst drifting to sleep last night. It sounds like the rest of the family wants to make a really big deal of MIL's bday, so could you suggest one of those drive-by parades, with everyone staying in their cars, but with lots of cheering and waving and balloons and streamers? Maybe even invite friends and neighbors to participate? You might even make the local news. 
 

This may be a stupid idea, but I thought I would throw it out there, since it is a way to make a really big deal over your MIL, yet till keep everyone safe. Suggesting that you all make this big plan and fuss over her also has the benefit of making you look like the angelic DIL rather than the bad guy. 

[school17777]

A family in our neighborhood all got the virus from an outdoor family function at the beginning of March.  Back then, we were aware of it like now nor were was any quarantining going on.  I’m guessing they had regular potluck food.  So, if you are concerned about meeting inside, outside may not be any safer, maybe some what safer, but you are still susceptible.

[mumto2]

2 hours ago, I talk to the trees said:

I had an idea whilst drifting to sleep last night. It sounds like the rest of the family wants to make a really big deal of MIL's bday, so could you suggest one of those drive-by parades, with everyone staying in their cars, but with lots of cheering and waving and balloons and streamers? Maybe even invite friends and neighbors to participate? You might even make the local news. 
 

This may be a stupid idea, but I thought I would throw it out there, since it is a way to make a really big deal over your MIL, yet till keep everyone safe. Suggesting that you all make this big plan and fuss over her also has the benefit of making you look like the angelic DIL rather than the bad guy. 

We are going to a drive thru baby shower today for friends who adopted a baby this week.  Really looking looking forward to it .......in part because I am thrilled for them but also because I want to participate in one of the drive thru events I keep seeing. 🙃 

I think being personally  comfortable with situations right now is so important.  No justification should be required.

 

[Pen]

How does one deal with bathrooms for an “outdoor” family function?

I would not go unless you are in an area with no new cases for quite awhile and/or everyone was only at their own homes essentially in quarantine for a couple of weeks. 

[Pen]

11 minutes ago, mumto2 said:

We are going to a drive thru baby shower today for friends who adopted a baby this week.  Really looking looking forward to it .......in part because I am thrilled for them but also because I want to participate in one of the drive thru events I keep seeing. 🙃 

I think being personally  comfortable with situations right now is so important.  No justification should be required.

 

Good idea.

How about a drive through birthday party? 

[Frances]

My brother and his family just faced a similar dilemma with for Mother’s Day and ended up attending a large family gathering hosted by his MIL. The next day their young adult daughter who lives with them and attended the party was quarantined due to exposure to a Covid patient at the hospital where she works. She was exposed before the party, but as the patient was hospitalized for something else, they were not tested until later.

[Tree Frog]

What does MIL want? Is she likely to support your family's decision?

[saraha]

So the good news is, my dh told them we weren't going into the house, we will party outside, and if it does rain, we will pack up and leave and they are free to do what they like. I think Sis must have been on the fence because she immediately responded with ok! Which is good, because someone suggested each family visiting individually, and mil was adament that her whole family be there at the same time. This is not unusual, she feels this way for every get together, it's not right if we are not ALL there. If someone is missing (and there is one grandkid and his wife who live about 4 hours away so misses frequently) she moans about the ones who are missing instead of enjoying the ones who came.

With my family that lives in my house, they know the drill about social distancing, we have been having a pizza party every two weeks with just mil and fil outside on their patio bringing our own food and taking our own trash home, so they know the routine. There are 28 of us in his family, and I think all are planning to be there. I can't control if she hugs others, but my kids are old enough to know better. We live in a county that has only had 1 new case in the last week, so very low risk and feel like as long as we social distance outside and not share food, we are ok.

As for bathrooms, we all live within 5 miles of the inlaws except one grandkid and his wife, so as for us, we will just run a shuttle home to use the bathroom, haha, or use that as our natural ending point for the party 😉

Thanks so much for all of the responses, I know I am not the only person who is going to be going through this scenario, so it feels good to be armed with ideas for the next one!

Edited May 16, 2020 by saraha

[saraha]

Update

So the weather held off, social distancing was somewhat accomplished, with our family looking like the weirdos and we ended up leaving earlier than everyone else. Everyone but my family was in and out of the house, using the bathroom, sitting in there to nurse a baby, getting drinks etc. It was really uncomfortable for awhile as two bil's ranted about people, politics and everything. Overall, mil seemed happy, everyone came, we weren't the bad guys. Not really looking forward to having to do it again. I can't wait to get back to just our family visiting inlaws bearing pizza.

[ktgrok]

I'd say no, and reply with this article.

" It’s important to keep gatherings small. Don’t share food, utensils or beverages; keep your hands clean; and keep at least six feet from people who don’t live in your home....Sitting and talking for extended periods of time as well as sharing food and common serving utensils are also potential sources of exposure..."

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/05/15/us/coronavirus-what-to-do-outside.html?action=click&algo=top_conversion&block=trending_recirc&fellback=false&imp_id=280184949&impression_id=549026996&index=0&pgtype=Article&region=footer&fbclid=IwAR0tAu5dZcFgcPwBApeQiPfZSuZ5F3XsDNl4mEKE-TiYaB3120Xen1_E3_U

[ktgrok]

On 5/16/2020 at 11:34 AM, Medicmom2.0 said:

I think you have to go on your comfort level.  There’s no one size fits all right answer.  My MIL’s birthday is this week and we’re having dinner, but my in laws are still watching my kids while we work and we see my SIL once a week. So our risk is probably low(we’re all kind of fatalist and if we haven’t already have it, we expect we will get it).  If you’re in a hot spot or have at risk family members or just plainly aren’t comfortable with it, trust yourself and don’t go. 

It’s hard all the way around, and there just aren’t good answers.  This isn’t a sustainable way of life in any way, but we are also unlikely to have a vaccine or a cure for a long time.

wait, I thought you had it?

On 5/16/2020 at 3:30 PM, saraha said:

We live in a county that has only had 1 new case in the last week, so very low risk and feel like as long as we social distance outside and not share food, we are ok.

 

that does help. We've had over a hundred in the last week in my county, so I definitely have a different mindset. 

 

[matrips]

On 5/15/2020 at 8:45 PM, saraha said:

Short version, can add more detail if needed.

Sunday is MIL's birthday. The plan originally had been for all children and grandchildren to come for an outside party with everyone to try to social distance. This plan was pushing the outside of my dh and I's comfort zone. Now they are calling for rain that day, and dh's sister and brother want to just say screw it were having a party inside with food etc (well that's how brother portrayed it, I want dh to contact his sister to get it from the horses mouth). Brother called my dh to try to talk him into this plan. Dh said we would talk and call him back.

I don't feel comfortable with this at all, but if we are ultimately outvoted and they go and we don't, that makes us the bad guys. Dh is the youngest.

I did suggest we put up their big canopy outside, dh hasn't shared this idea yet.

Thanks!

My friends have a big close family and they just did a huge caravan for their moms birthday.  Drivebys with signs, singing etc. 

[katilac]

On 5/16/2020 at 12:04 PM, Frances said:

My brother and his family just faced a similar dilemma with for Mother’s Day and ended up attending a large family gathering hosted by his MIL. The next day their young adult daughter who lives with them and attended the party was quarantined due to exposure to a Covid patient at the hospital where she works. She was exposed before the party, but as the patient was hospitalized for something else, they were not tested until later.

Wow, declining a large gathering when you work in a hospital seems like a no-brainer 🤔

[saraha]

13 hours ago, Seasider too said:

I’d say you earned the ability to put the next meeting off for quite some time. Next time, just say no. No waffling, no debate, no excuse. Just say sorry, ma, we can’t make it, then embrace voice mail. 

Haha, that's what I told my dh last night.

[mumto2]

I just wanted to let everyone know how the drive by baby shower went.  

First as somebody who has taken stay at home really seriously it felt great to be even sort of out with faces I know ........my church family.  The shower time was between 2 and 5 so we showed up at 3.  Waited in a line of about ten cars to see the happy parents and beautiful adopted newborn.
 

 They had set up a canopy with some compfy chairs and fans for the family beside the street.  While we were in line someone did come by to offer bottles of water and packaged cookies......some accepted, we did not,  When we got up to the proud parents we chatted for about  5 minutes,  got to really see the little guy🥰....I sort of think we had more quality time with the family than we would have at a traditional shower at the church.  In terms of actual interaction by the new parents  with individual guests this might have been superior.😂 Everyone got their minutes!  As we left we handed off our card and gift cards to the person collecting them.  They had an area where things could be removed from trunks etc after the chat with the new parents area.  
 

It was ran really well by the committee that put it together in under a week (our friends were not expecting to be matched with a baby until fall at the earliest, so this was a surprise).  It was so smooth one would almost think it was our normal......and I felt very secure in terms of distancing.

My conclusion after the experience is this method of celebration definitely works reasonably well.  I definitely feel like we were able to celebrate how special this new family is to my family.   You don’t get to interact with the other guests much which is sad.....there were some windows rolled down to chat between cars after we left the main shower area.

[Reefgazer]

16 hours ago, saraha said:

Update

So the weather held off, social distancing was somewhat accomplished, with our family looking like the weirdos and we ended up leaving earlier than everyone else. Everyone but my family was in and out of the house, using the bathroom, sitting in there to nurse a baby, getting drinks etc. It was really uncomfortable for awhile as two bil's ranted about people, politics and everything. Overall, mil seemed happy, everyone came, we weren't the bad guys. Not really looking forward to having to do it again. I can't wait to get back to just our family visiting inlaws bearing pizza.

I glad it (sorta) worked out for you!  I think that's the best we can hope for in these uncertain times.