headstone question..

[gardenmom5]

thank you for all your input - it is still tbd what we will actually do.  there should be time, as when the current headstone is removed to add her name - they clean it as well.

I have asked for the thread to be locked so we can move on.

Edited June 24, 2019 by gardenmom5

[TechWife]

I picked the second one, but I think if there's an option for given, maiden, #3 married that would be fine, too. Dropping a name someone used routinely in life and that indicated a strong bond with a loved husband is rude, IMO. It's like saying the marriages aren't as important as the family of origin, which is nonsense.

[klmama]

If she used husband #3 's surname, it should be on the stone, too.  

[regentrude]

I am confused. Why the two choices and the words "both married names", if she was married three times?

I would put the last surname she used.

Edited June 22, 2019 by regentrude

[maize]

Another vote for both surnames.

[maize]

2 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I am confused. Why the two choices and the words "both married names", if she was married three times?

I would put the last surname she used.

Presumably marriage 2 was short-lived, likely ended unhappily.

It sounds like marriages 1 and 3 were both very meaningful to her, and she has been twice widowed. First husband is the one she is considered to be attached to for eternity (religious belief)--it would be odd not to include the surname they shared.

[sassenach]

17 minutes ago, maize said:

Presumably marriage 2 was short-lived, likely ended unhappily.

It sounds like marriages 1 and 3 were both very meaningful to her, and she has been twice widowed. First husband is the one she is considered to be attached to for eternity (religious belief)--it would be odd not to include the surname they shared.

I missed the part where first husband died. My mom would kill us if we tagged my dad’s surname onto her gravestone. 

You really should include the last 20 years of her life. It seems wrong to drop it off just because the kids are more connected to the first marriage. She’s a whole person, not just their mother. 

[maize]

3 minutes ago, sassenach said:

I missed the part where first husband died. My mom would kill us if we tagged my dad’s surname onto her gravestone. 

You really should include the last 20 years of her life. It seems wrong to drop it off just because the kids are more connected to the first marriage. She’s a whole person, not just their mother. 

It isn't entirely clear from the information given, but I doubt she would be buried next to her first husband if they were estranged. That's what I am going by.

[sassenach]

17 minutes ago, maize said:

It isn't entirely clear from the information given, but I doubt she would be buried next to her first husband if they were estranged. That's what I am going by.

Ah, yes, context clues. 

[elegantlion]

I would put first name, maiden, and marriage #3. My grandmother died and was in the midst of divorce when she did, yet her last married name is on her headstone. That is the name she held upon her death. She is also buried next to her parents (no spouse is buried near her). Those that know, know. Those that care and want input will put money toward the cost of a headstone, they are not cheap. Just my .02. 

[73349]

I would use whatever was her full legal name when she died: whatever she had on her driver's license is presumably how she identified herself.

[SKL]

I can't vote because I would use her legal name at death.  I would not use the surname of an ex husband unless she still legally used that name up to the day she died.

[athena1277]

My grandmother was a widow who married a widower late in life.  When they married, they both agreed (and let family know) that when they passed away, they would each be buried beside their first spouse.  The plots had already been purchased anyways.  When my grandmother passed, she was buried beside her first husband as planned, with her 1st married name.  Maybe it’s not the proper thing to do, but no one had a problem with it.

All that to say, either way would be ok, depending on if the deceased had expressed an opinion and how the family feels.

[maize]

14 minutes ago, SKL said:

I can't vote because I would use her legal name at death.  I would not use the surname of an ex husband unless she still legally used that name up to the day she died.

If my husband were to die and I were to remarry and take my new husband's surname I would still want my current surname on any eventual headstone; it's been my name for a significant portion of my life and is also the surname I share with my children.

Headstones don't need to be about legal names, they are about remembering the deceased and often about family connections. I would want my maiden name included on a headstone as well even though I chose to drop it from my legal name when I got married. People often include nicknames on headstones as well.

Edited June 22, 2019 by maize

[maize]

Will she share a headstone with her first husband?

[Maus]

8 minutes ago, whitehawk said:

I would use whatever was her full legal name when she died: whatever she had on her driver's license is presumably how she identified herself.

Based on what I see most often doing genealogy, this would be the standard.  It's unusual to put a woman's maiden name on the stone, and most often, her current legal surname is the one used. (You can put all the names and relationships on Findagrave.)

However, if it is a shared stone with the first husband, then I've seen the wife's given name just added to that, as though the later marriages had never taken place.  (It's probably the cheapest and easiest option, and looks the most balanced and aesthetically pleasing, considering the format of that type of stone.)

You could use the format they chose for my great-aunt.  She was a war widow who remarried, and they left off her middle name and maiden name, and put her first name, first married name, and last married name on the stone.  She's not buried with either of them.  The first husband is in the American Cemetery in the Phillipines, where he was killed, and she had divorced the second husband.  (All of her children were with her first husband.)

In the end, you can put whatever you care to pay for.  

[Pippen]

Haven't read all of the responses but I'd suggest considering given, maiden, married #3 and then below her name in smaller letters list something along the lines of "Loving  mother of ______ (kids with surname #1 included)."

That way it honors the names of the family who gave birth to her, the family she had children with, and the family she lived out the remainder of her life with. 

Edited June 22, 2019 by Pippen

[Beth S]

Put as many of her names on the gravestone as you can.  😉

It will help her descendants know they found the right gravestone!

[Pippen]

12 minutes ago, Beth S said:

Put as many of her names on the gravestone as you can.  😉

It will help her descendants know they found the right gravestone!

I actually had a difficult time finding the burial location of an ancestor because it was listed with given, maiden, married #1. Husband #1 had been out of the picture due to separation, divorce and death for decades by the time of her death and Husband #2 was alive at the time of her death so it was unexpected. 

[mumto2]

Honestly I would go with both if they fit nicely for genealogy  but if not I think it’s fine to go with the last name she shares with her children and their descendants.  Because she will be buried next to first husband that makes complete sense.

Dysfunctional family story........my grandmother was originally buried on a huge birth family plot with her second husband’s last name,  as far as possible from my grandfather because it was the only way  second husband would allow her to be buried with her family.  As soon as second husband died my mom and her siblings had her moved next to their father.  The joint headstone is in the first husband’s name. 

 

[happypamama]

I think I would go with given, married 1, and married 3. Maiden in there before married 1 if it doesn't add too much to the cost. 

[J-rap]

I agree with happypamama.  🙂

[Laura Corin]

In Scotland, women are usually buried: Sue maiden name, wife of a, b and c 

Edited June 23, 2019 by Laura Corin

[Bambam]

I think she should say what she wants on the gravestone - taking into consideration cost. She should probably go ahead and pre-write her obit too except for date of death.

Otherwise, if they charge by letter on the gravestone, I'd go with the shortest - given name and current lastname when she died. 
If they don't charge by the letter, I'd go with the most complete name. 

[Pen]

1 hour ago, Bambam said:

I think she should say what she wants on the gravestone - taking into consideration cost.

 

 

I thought that a take away from thread is that names desired would be good take care of in advance for people planning to have gravestones.

but when I read this, I pictured having a seance to ask her 

 

 

[moonflower]

I voted previous names and current name (unless it was divorce, that's different somehow)

[Murphy101]

I think the dead person should let people know and do that.  Runner up in order of who should decide:

Surviving spouse if there is one.

Majority rule of surviving children.

As for ME? My first name and married name only.  I have no ties to my maiden name and don't care who might want to make one after I die.

[Pen]

 

32 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

Majority rule of surviving children.

 

What if it’s an even split?

 

[Carrie12345]

I’d go with both, given  2x-widowed.  I could see that being the case for my mother if my father had died instead of run off with his mistress. 😉.

I think my siblings and I would certainly want “our” family name up there under those circumstances.  (We don’t, in reality.). But I absolutely cannot imagine downright ignoring my stepfather’s last name.  They’ve been married almost 19 years, which is about the same length as my parents’ marriage, and close to the OP’s scenario. That is her name.  The 1st married name would be an acknowledgement of a distant past, and the last one would be the name she chose to die with.  I can’t imagine that NOT meaning something.

[gardenmom5]

thank you for everyone's replies, I appreciate the input.  it still isn't certain what we're doing.   one other family member has yet to give input.

[Murphy101]

8 hours ago, Pen said:

 

 

What if it’s an even split?

 

 

Whoever is paying the tab and or listed as executor of the will.

Usually one sibling is mostly in charge, often legally.

[desertflower]

OP says thank you for the replies, but OP would like to lock the thread now.