S/O If you could live an additional life as well as this one

[livetoread]

I am pretty happy with my life. I’m grateful I got to have much wanted children, I loved homeschooling, and I love my dh. There isn’t much I would want to change. However, I like to do thought experiments about what I would do if I had another life as well. I know I wouldn’t have children, and I’m not sure I’d marry again, though I would probably have long term relationships. I’d work for myself in some way to earn enough to live simply and travel a lot. I’ve loved having the experience of domestication and raising kids, but I wouldn’t do it again. Maybe after several childless lives, I’d be tempted again! What about you? 

I say I wouldn’t have kids mostly because I am now intimately aware of how emotionally risky it is to do so, and that’s even after my kids have generally been relatively low maintenance.

Editing to add the thought experiment sets aside any psychological drawbacks like cheating on your husband in a different life. Keep it simple!

Edited February 24, 2019 by livetoread

[Selkie]

Well, in another life I would love to be a genetic genealogist for Parabon Nanolabs. They’re the ones cracking all these decades-old cold cases using DNA technology and genealogy databases. Genetics and true crime have always been huge interests of mine, so that would pretty much be my dream job.

[Crimson Wife]

My grandma's cousin was a nun and physician who ran a charity hospital in Guatemala. That kind of devotion to God and living the Gospel by serving the needy is very appealing.

[J-rap]

Hmmm...  I think continuing on the path we had originally planned would have made for an interesting additional life.  My dh was planning to go into the foreign service (in the Middle East) and I was planning to go into journalism. 

[Storygirl]

If I had an alternate life, I would be a children's book editor in a publishing company. I started along that path, but I was afraid to move to New York City to be in the center of the publishing world. My friends who eventually moved to NY did end up with editing careers, so I know I could have done it. I think it would have been a different life that I would have loved.

To not want a family, I would also have to be a different person. So DH would also have had to move to NYC after college. He could have done so for his career but didn't want to, either.

[Pawz4me]

I think I would have liked to pursue a serious career, perhaps in psychology, psychiatry or sociology (areas that weren't even on my radar in my younger days). It would be interesting to know what it would have been like to immerse myself in an interesting career, perhaps to have done some writing and lots of volunteer work. Maybe living in an apartment or condo in a walkable city.

[PrincessMommy]

I think those things too.  Probably more than is healthy.  One life is not enough time to try all the things I would have liked to have tried now that I look back.  I also enjoyed having a large family and homeschooling, but I'd change it completely if I got a do-over (or two!).  

One caveat is that I'd want to remember my past life so I make informed decisions.  One of the things about me is that I'm not a planner.  That worked against me when I was younger and launching in life.   Things just kind of happened (or didn't).   I wasn't very motivated.  I knew I wanted to get married and have kids. I wished that I could have been more determined and decisive about my future back when I was 18.  

I'd go to university in another country.

I'd move to the PNW and go to college there.

I'd study ancient & medieval musicology and join Anonymous 4, and travel the world.

Study ancient civilizations.

Become a small craft pilot and move to the bush in Alaska. 

I'd want to try my hand at being a working or wild animal vet (like for a zoo - or for out in the middle of no where). 

Get a medical degree and work for International Red Cross or Doctors Without Boarders. 

In each of these scenarios I would join the Orthodox Church as soon as I was old enough.

 

[marbel]

I've wanted so many different things in life, and had opportunities that I passed on for one reason or another.  It's so hard to know.

I dropped out  of college and went to work full time, then finished college at night while working during the day.  A Humanities professor encouraged me to apply for grad school, specifically a writing program that would lead to a Ph.D.  In Santa Cruz, CA, one of my favorite places.  But I couldn't see beyond needing to work to pay my rent, etc.  Adults in their 30s didn't quit work to go to school! So I didn't try that.

But because I stayed at work, I stumbled into a good career as a corporate trainer. I traveled a lot and used my brain a lot.  I quit when I had my first child.  What if I hadn't quit? Who knows what that would have looked like.

I got married late in life, after determining that marriage and family were not going to happen for me. (Actually I had married stupidly and briefly in my early 20s, then was single for a long long time.) Then I got married and had 2 kids fairly quickly.  I'm happy about that; I love my kids and husband, though sometimes I think I would have been happier staying single. I had close relationships with nieces and nephews, and I had close friends and was very carefree.   I often find marriage difficult.  I find myself fantasizing about living alone and not having another person to deal with.  But then, I'd probably be lonely?  Maybe. 

On the other hand, it wasn't till I was contemplating marriage and family that I started thinking seriously about God. I always considered myself a Christian but I think that was simply because I'd been raised in the church.  If I hadn't married my husband, would I have gotten to understand what I do about God?  That is probably the most important thing for me.  

So I guess the short answer is...I don't know which path I would pick!

[DawnM]

My dream as a child was to be a journalist and work for National Geographic and travel to dangerous places and live on the edge.  I grew up overseas and have some stories to tell, but it all kind of ended when I got married.  Don't get me wrong, I chose to marry and have kids and I love my husband and kids, and I woudln't trade them, but my life really changed the day I said "I Do."

I would live that life that I thought I wanted if I could have ANOTHER life (not a replacement for this one.) . I might get married and have kids and nannies, but I am not sure.

[gardenmom5]

I would still be married with kids.  I would have a bsn - but that would mean I would have come from a supportive and at least somewhat functional home. 

tbh: everything I have learned from my toxic family - I value.  I'm not willing to give it up to have had an easier and more functional life.

[elegantlion]

I'm kind of living a second/alternative life at this point. There are good and bad things. What would I change in a totally alternate? I would still have my son, I just wouldn't have married his father - which means I would have left about 7 years before I did. Instead of staying locally to study history, I would have went somewhere to study Egyptology (probably University of Memphis) then I would have lived in an RV with my son and a dog while traveling and writing non-fiction and fiction full time. 

My reality is that I'm doing my master's, moved to a different city, living the single life in a city, and contemplating how to do more education once I return home. I discovered I miss my friends terribly, I have new ones here, but it's not the same. I'm not really a city person. My hometown is about 75k people, but you tend to run in the same circles and run into people you know at outings, restaurants, and bars, especially the group of people who are history related and hoping to help revitalize the city. So I'm sort of on my second life, good choices at the heart. 

I would have taken more risks in my second life - not like binge drinking and doing drugs, but personal risks that got me out of my comfort zone. I would have bought at jeep and moved out of state at 19. I didn't do that. Instead I got the dog, the one part of my "plan" that happened. 

 

[Jenny in Florida]

If I could live an alternate life without actually sacrificing the things and people I care about in this one (Lathe of Heaven, anyone?), I think I would choose a path that involved much more discipline and focus than I have applied in this one. I have always found myself fascinated by professions, vocations, artistic pursuits, even religious communities that require sacrifice and passionate, devoted drive, that challenge the person to be at his or her best the majority of the hours of any given day.

For example, I always wanted to go to law school, not because I want to practice law, necessarily, but because I crave the kind of intellectual challenge the study represents.

I love the years I spent hanging around in the background, on the mommy bench when my son was attending the pre-pro ballet school, because I thrived on just breathing the intensity in the air in that building. To this day, I read every novel and memoir and watch every documentary I can get my hands on about the world of classical dance. (I also love books and documentaries about orthodox religious communities, for similar reasons.)

At this stage of my life, I find myself so often feeling aimless and, as I said in the other thread, flailing, searching for meaning and focus, and I just hate the way that feels. I am constantly aware of the lack of shape and direction, of purpose. 

So, yes, if I could step sideways and have a very different, but additional life, without needing to wish my children out of existence or anything like that, I would choose a direction or career that involved a clearer path and required me to work a lot harder to do well at it.

[livetoread]

Yes, when I think about these things, I always assume that I would have all my thoughts and memories and experiences from this life too. Maybe a better description would be appearing at a certain age (I usually pick college age), but with this life’s memories installed already. I know I’d miss my dh and kids terribly though so I just have to pretend that isn’t an issue when I think about it, lol.

[carriede]

7 hours ago, Crimson Wife said:

My grandma's cousin was a nun and physician who ran a charity hospital in Guatemala. That kind of devotion to God and living the Gospel by serving the needy is very appealing.

Yes, my first thought when I read the OP was that I would be a nun.

But, I'd have to have memories of my current life to understand why I'd do that as opposed to being a wife and mother.

[PrincessMommy]

I agree.. in my my musings about an alternate life, I would want to keep the memories of this one.. It's just there's not enough time in one life to try all the things I would like to try and well... marriage and children keep me a bit more tied to one spot.

[Tap]

I originally planned on waiting till 30ish for kids. I wanted to do go to college and have a career first.  DS24 surprised me at 22 and I have been a parent ever since. I have had a serious boyfriend ( 3.5 years) or husband (for 25 years), all but 6 months of my life since 14 yo. There were a couple of minor relationships in there too, but even one of those had a proposal attached. 

I would love to have the chance to explore life on my own, without the responsibility of a family.  Maybe not an entire lifetime of being alone, but a few more adult years with choices....other than having a husband, baby and mortgage at 22.

Edited February 25, 2019 by Tap

[Garga]

I don’t think I want an entirely new life. I’d rather patch up the mistakes I made in this one.

We should never have made the last move we made.  It caused my parents to think I didn’t love them, so they moved 2500 miles away, my best friend who had left my old neighborhood moved back into it, and it had two colleges in it that I think my kids would have had a great shot at attending without having to live on campus unless they really wanted to (and were willing to pay for it.).

If we hadn’t moved, I’d still have my parents, my best friend, and two colleges all within a 5 mile radius.  But up here...nope.  No parents, no best friend, and the colleges my sons can attend are far away.  

Instead of marrying at 19 and working, I’d have gone to college. I like working alone and in an office.  I’d have gotten an accounting degree so I would have been able to work for pretty much any company in the world off in my little cubicle somewhere with a plant on the desk..  Everyone needs accounting.  I’d quit the job to raise the kids, but I wish I had a degree for when the kids are grown. 

I’d have decorated my house more deliberately and would have fewer things.  I’m overwhelmed right now with stuff and don’t see how to get out from under it at the moment.  This is tricky, though.  I love my ecclectic house and think it’s very charming...but the basement and the attic...and the recycling.  The trash collectors in this area only pick up bottles and cans, so I store the rest (all kinds of paper, cardboard and plastic) and take it once in a while to a recycling place.  I feel like I’m living in a trash heap whenever I look on the back porch at all the recycling sitting out there.  In general, I am always slightly disatisfied with my surroundings and don’t have money to make the dramatic changes I wish I could make.  So, I’d have been more deliberate to begin with as I was aquiring household things.

I’d have stopped homeschooling my oldest at 8th grade and gone to cyberschool. I’ve made it to 11th grade with him, but I’ve lost my endurance.  The way I homeschool isn’t really worth it for us anymore. I’ve signed up the kids for cyberschool this coming September, but honestly, I should have done this for my oldest 3 years ago.

I’d have been saving just a tiny bit more for retirement than we have been.  

SO: 

Save a little more money.

College degree in accounting.

Live in the old neighborhood in a carefully decorated home (where they take all the recycling with the trash!)

Stop homeschool at 8th grade. 

Work in an office with a plant when the kids are grown.  

Be able to visit my parents and best friend every week if I want to.  Kids could attend college for half the costs because they could commute the 2 miles to the college and still be active in college life because they’re so close.  

Edited February 25, 2019 by Garga

[Frances]

On 2/24/2019 at 6:56 PM, carriede said:

Yes, my first thought when I read the OP was that I would be a nun.

But, I'd have to have memories of my current life to understand why I'd do that as opposed to being a wife and mother.

I

Edited March 8, 2019 by Frances

[LMD]

Ugh, another life? Getting through one is painful enough!

[PrincessMommy]

9 hours ago, Tap said:

I originally planned on waiting till 30ish for kids. I wanted to do go to college and have a career first.  DS24 surprised me at 22 and I have been a parent ever since. I have had a serious boyfriend ( 3.5 years) or husband (for 25 years), all but 6 months of my life since 14 yo. There were a couple of minor relationships in there too, but even one of those had a proposal attached. 

I would love to have the chance to explore life on my own, without the responsibility of a family.  Maybe not an entire lifetime of being alone, but a few more adult years with choices....other than having a husband, baby and mortgage at 22.

I was also married and a mom of one by 23.  I think that's part of the reason why I'd love to explore other things too.  

[Carol in Cal.]

I would jump on my weight when it started to climb instead of letting my setpoint move up and up.  There was so much I did not understand about this, and I was too 'all or nothing' about diet and exercise.

I would have switched my major to history when i fell in love with it, and by now I would be a history professor at a major university with several fairly unique books in popular and academic circles.  

I would have continued to ski, hike, sing, weave, and read more than I did.  I spent a lot of my adult life putting off what I loved to make myself do things that I had to do.  Can you say false dichotomy?  

But basically I feel really blessed to have had the life I did, in general.  

 

[EMS83]

Hmm...  I'd still have kids.  I'd do that over again, though I'd learn from my mistakes.  Same thing for all my relationships, of course.  

Otherwise...  Coffee house owner (original game plan; get a business degree and open a coffee house in "the city"), world traveler, homesteader, nun, house flipper, singer (not of idol fame, though; that sounds terrible), woodworker, maybe writer...I might think of others in time, lol

[Hannah]

I'd be living in a first world country.  Where citizens are safe in their homes, there is no corruption, good healthcare and education for all and where there are still fair opportunities for those who put in the effort.  

 

Edited February 25, 2019 by Hannah

[Scarlett]

I can’t even imagine an entire other life.  But now that my kids are mostly raised I do think how I would like to spend a year living in NYC. WITH plenty of money.  I don’t want to live there forever, but I would love to immerse myself in city life for a little while.  

[Valley Girl]

On 2/24/2019 at 10:52 PM, Garga said:

 

We should never have made the last move we made.  It caused my parents to think I didn’t love them, so they moved 2500 miles away,

 

I'm so sorry, Garga.

[Crimson Wife]

On 2/24/2019 at 11:36 AM, J-rap said:

Hmmm...  I think continuing on the path we had originally planned would have made for an interesting additional life.  My dh was planning to go into the foreign service (in the Middle East) and I was planning to go into journalism. 

FWIW, almost everyone I know my age or younger who started out as a journalist wound up switching to a different profession. The industry never figured out how to successfully transition to the digital age.

The one exception is my cousin, who has what sounds like the most boring job in journalism. He used to be a sports journalist but as his undergraduate major was economics, he wound up assigned to the finance news department of The Wall Street Journal. So all those quarterly earnings reports that investor relations professionals like my DH write, my cousin turns into articles for WSJ. ZZZZZZZZZ...

[alisoncooks]

In another life, I would've taken advantage of our 6 child-free years early in marriage:  saving extra income, better self-care/habits, growing my marriage, cultivating habits/interests. 

[J-rap]

9 hours ago, Crimson Wife said:

FWIW, almost everyone I know my age or younger who started out as a journalist wound up switching to a different profession. The industry never figured out how to successfully transition to the digital age.

The one exception is my cousin, who has what sounds like the most boring job in journalism. He used to be a sports journalist but as his undergraduate major was economics, he wound up assigned to the finance news department of The Wall Street Journal. So all those quarterly earnings reports that investor relations professionals like my DH write, my cousin turns into articles for WSJ. ZZZZZZZZZ...

Yes, I definitely think you're right (about transitioning to the digital age).  Probably right when the peak of people going into the industry was happening, the digital world was beginning.  I might be satisfied doing boring work at The Wall Street Journal though!  

[Farrar]

I do sometimes regret that I didn't take a very unexpected job offer with Doctors Without Borders from a guy I met in Hong Kong this one time. It's a long story. But sometimes I'm like, that probably would have led me somewhere else. I mean, at the time, India. But also in a general sense.

[J-rap]

5 minutes ago, Farrar said:

I do sometimes regret that I didn't take a very unexpected job offer with Doctors Without Borders from a guy I met in Hong Kong this one time. It's a long story. But sometimes I'm like, that probably would have led me somewhere else. I mean, at the time, India. But also in a general sense.

I often think about how a decision we make that might not even feel like a very major decision could really change the course of our lives.

[Farrar]

Just now, J-rap said:

I often think about how a decision we make that might not even feel like a very major decision could really change the course of our lives.

That one I definitely realized was a relatively large decision, though it happened really fast. It's more the other things though. Like, if I hadn't gone out with friends the night I did, I wouldn't have met dh. That would have been a giant impact on my life.

[J-rap]

11 minutes ago, Farrar said:

That one I definitely realized was a relatively large decision, though it happened really fast. It's more the other things though. Like, if I hadn't gone out with friends the night I did, I wouldn't have met dh. That would have been a giant impact on my life.

Yeah, those are even more fascinating to think about, really!  The teeny decisions that led us to something that ended up being life-changing.

[Farrar]

3 minutes ago, J-rap said:

Yeah, those are even more fascinating to think about, really!  The teeny decisions that led us to something that ended up being life-changing.

Exactly. I would have just thought I was choosing to stay in and do homework or watch TV or something. No big deal. But it would be secretly life changing. I'm sure we all have a million of those moments that we'll never know about. Like that movie Sliding Doors.

Edited February 28, 2019 by Farrar