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Tragedy.... need advice...


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My family is ok.  But my dearest friend was murdered.  By her son. Who is my son’s friend.  

DS, tenth grade..... processing ..... this awful for him. For all of us.   DD is 8th grade.

We school traditionally.  With a co-op....Chemistry.     How do I approach school? Do we take a break?  Do we wake up Monday morning and trudge on as if nothing has happened.... to keep normalcy?  Both kids are very bright, college bound.  I need guidance. I’m in shock. Thank you

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Oh gosh.  That's horrible.  I'm so sorry!  

I have not dealt with this, but I believe in any tragedy,  it's best to take a day or two,  but not plan more than 2. (If it turns out you need them,  you can reconsider-- But don't actually plan to put life on hold for too long)

I do think in this situation,  I'd seek counseling for my son at the very least,  and probably myself and daughter.  

Then,  with the exception to new counseling appointments,  I'd try to keep life as much to normal as possible,  while still maintaining open communication with both kids. Don't pretend it didn't happen, but don't over-talk it either. All this is of course easier said than done.  

Just take it step by step.  I'm so sorry. 

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((((GeoKitty))))

I would highly recommend taking a break -- and not trudging on like nothing happened. Something happened, and your family needs time to grieve.

You're in shock. The kids are in shock. I'm speaking for myself, but I would need many days to cry, be angry, and stare at nothing, then later eat comfort food and watch silly movies.

You all need time.

I'm so, so sorry for what you're going through.

Alley

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31 minutes ago, GeoKitty said:

We school traditionally.  With a co-op....Chemistry.     How do I approach school? Do we take a break?  

 

People react differently. I would let the school know that your kids may not show up or may be in a daze. My relatives need their regular routine to cope so it is very YMMV. 

My adult cousin let my public school teachers know when my grandpa died while I was in 6th grade. My teachers just extended grace for lost homework and being spaced out and falling asleep during class. 

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First, I am so sorry.  It is hard to imagine anyone processing something so horrifying.

People do react differently to tragedies.  Some people need a break or space while others want things to get back to normal ASAP and don't want to have the extra time.  My ds was present for a school shooting and the kids who were there all had such different needs.  I would follow your kids' leads and just communicate with them as much as possible.  Encourage them to talk either to you or a counselor.  And big hugs to you. 

 

 

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I'm so sorry that this has happened to your family.  Let me encourage you also to seek counseling for both of you. Also to let your son take time to grieve in his way, while always keeping your door open. Let the co-op leadership know what has happened and (if applicable) have them help you find a sub this week so you don't have to worry about that. Praying for you all. That is such a huge thing to process and huge grief to bear.

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Hugs...take it one second at a time if you need to.  This is a tragic situation that will take time to process - talk openly with your children to see what they would like to do.  If DS would like to play his music then so be it - let him. Music can be very soothing and may bring him peace in this horrific situation— Do not worry about school work unless your children wish to do so.   Please seek a consular for all of you.  Praying for all involved - May God wrap his loving arms and bring you and yours strength.

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I'm so, so sorry. Your kids are old enough that I would involve them in the decision. I would take some time to grieve and probably ease back into partial school days after a few days--I wouldn't do full days again until a day or two after the funeral. I'd also let the kids know that you are there for them and encourage them to come to you if they need to talk. I'd expect there might be some days where something comes out, even out of the blue--and you may find occasionally that having a conversation may be more important than finishing every single school subject on a day like that. Music is good--so is journaling if any of you are into that. You all may want counseling at some point--I'd watch for depression and PTSD. Give yourselves lots of grace and time for healing.

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After my boy was killed, we did as much as we could. It wasn't very much to begin with but got to be more and more over the months. Try and take a few road trips if you can. They give you a healthier break from routine than sitting comatose on the couch does, and gives you an excuse to buy take away food instead of cooking, and tossing wrappers in the bin instead of washing up, etc. But you're seeing new things, so it keeps your minds engaged in a gentle way. When at home, following the routine of eat, do school, eat more, do more school, eat again, watch a vid helped. It's just the "do school" time was spent on lighter activities, sometimes scaling back from learning new material to maintenance mode. Sometimes tossing it all and watching Jane Austen vids or laying about eating snacks and reading aloud. The important thing is to try each day, even if the trying means opening the books, staring at them, and closing them again. Sooner or later someone will be able to read a paragraph, then a page, then a chapter and eventually everyone will be able to get back to their normal work.

 

❤️ to you all.

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Thank you all.

Im so sorry for the losses you all have mentioned.  Our church started grief counseling yesterday. Our whole family went. It was... peaceful.  

This morning, the kids are about to get up... and we will see what, if any, school will happen...

thank you

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I just wanted to send huds and prayers.  

What a shock!  I am really glad to hear your church brought in grief counselors.  I would talk to your kids about what they want to do, what their plan is.  They might just have one!

I think taking the time off until after the funeral is needed.  

Geokitty,  make sure to give yourself time and grace to mourn your friend’s death.  One of my best friends died of cancer, so expected, about a year ago and I am still missing her.  

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1 hour ago, DawnM said:

I have NO idea why that last post posted the way it did.

I am so sorry.  Can you have him see someone to process this?

 

Yes, our church has started grief support. It will be ongoing. The grief counselor has offered extra for those in need. The public school grief counselors are available to us Homeschoolers .... our church youth minister asked.  I don’t think I want to go that route though. No reason to go into the school. 

I think talking to our priest has helped the most so far.  Thank you!

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If it would help to give you or either or both of them a break, do that and make it up in summer. 

If continuing on would be better do that. 

I guess the hardest situation will be if you need a break but they would rather press on without a break. 

 

If it It is the recent situation I saw in news of 15 yo killing because of discussion about a bad grade, I think if the mom were my friend that I might well need a break myself. 

 

That along with kid kid who killed grandma who asked him to do chores is scary. 

 

I hope there wont be a bunch of copycat situations. 

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53 minutes ago, GeoKitty said:

Yes, our church has started grief support. It will be ongoing. The grief counselor has offered extra for those in need. The public school grief counselors are available to us Homeschoolers .... our church youth minister asked.  I don’t think I want to go that route though. No reason to go into the school. 

I think talking to our priest has helped the most so far.  Thank you!

 

The public school only has school counselors, they will not provide a therapist, which is different.  School counselors cannot set up weekly therapy sessions, for example.  They can meet once or twice to give some strategies to help, but they are not therapists.  I would not suggest you go that route either.

A school counselor's role, (as per the ASCA model) is to help students socially and emotionally in order to help them achieve academically.   You need an actual therapist, although a group might be perfect, to get to know others going through the process of grief.

ETA: My school does have an outside therapist who comes in twice a week, but they are not really related TO the school.  But this is something relatively new.  If your school offers it, you would need to ask to get referred and it is a rather long process.  And ours are always full with a wait list.  And it is based on insurance or self-pay, it is not a free service.

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I am so sorry for your loss.  Every person(family) deals loss and grief differently.  You will know what is best for you and for your kids--trust that.  Over the summer I lost my oldest son.  I am only home schooling  my youngest (age 13) this year.  I only tell you that because we are getting through the school year.  It is in no way like other school years, but that is okay.  Some days are difficult, some hours are more difficult that others.  It sounds like you are on the right track when you said "Schoolwise, they are doing what they feel like."

Again, I don't have any real wisdom.  I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you and your family.  

 

Paula

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GeoKitty I had read about this in the news and believe that you are in Florida.  The Grief counseling in your Church is a beginning and I encourage you and your DC to continue with that.  If, with time, you can find a Ph.D. Psychologist with a lot of experience with patients with P.T.S.D. I would try that and see if you can develop rapport with him/her.  Someone upthread mentioned P.T.S.D. and I noticed that, since I have Severe P.T.S.D.  I was fortunate and was eventually able to find a Ph.D. Psychologist who had lots of experience with P.T.S.D. patients.  Someone without that experience would not have a clue...

The way I found that doctor was by calling the person in a local hospital who refers patients to doctors. The first time I called her, I don't think she really understood what P.T.S.D. is.   Many months later, I called her again. She told me that she was engaged to marry a man with P.T.S.D. and she gave me the name of his Psychologist.   :-)

NOTE: To my astonishment, many years ago, I learned that someone does not have to have actually experienced an unimaginable life threatening event, to have P.T.S.D.  There were some people who supposedly got P.T.S.D. by watching the Iraq War on the TV News.  Hard to believe, but apparently factual.  

Because of your closeness with the Mother and her children, I think you should take into consideration the possibility that you and or one or both of your DC will develop P.T.S.D. because of this tragedy.

Take it one day at a time.

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I am so sorry. It is day by day. One thing I've told my students in tragic situations (I'm a TA this semester) is that I understand if they cannot be in class, even if it appears they've been coming back on a regular basis. It's that waves of grief and you may be fine one week and not dealing well the next. 

For assignments, I've either extended due dates or in a few cases, restructured minor assignments so they wouldn't get too far behind. 

 

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