If your child got married in college would you still pay for his/her education?

[Chris in VA]

Purely hypothetical--dd does have a steady, but she's nowhere near thinking marriage yet. 

BUT--I was thinking back to my own college days, and my mom told me that, if I got married, she would consider me and my hubby as our own household, and she wouldn't pay for my tuition. We would be on our own, as she felt we would be (morally?) responsible for our own expenses. 

What's your take?

[Sneezyone]

I would pay anyway. I would no longer be obligated to do so by the PTB, obv, but I would be motivated to ensure that a) my child finished and b) he/she began married life as close to debt free as possible.

Edited August 6, 2018 by Sneezyone

[catz]

I think it would depend on the exact circumstances.   Like if my college student was marrying a college grad who was older and gainfully employed and maybe they were well aligned for more aid, maybe not?   The relationship would change.  I could see gifting a young couple some money for set up but I wouldn’t want to be so entrenched in a married couple’s finances as I expect to be just launching my oldest to college.  

[happypamama]

I would continue to pay whatever I was paying because I would want them to finish college.  It’s very possible that they could support themselves in daily living expenses, but not be able to afford college expenses. DH and I got married right after we graduated from college. He is two years older than I am but took a fifth year, and I graduated a year early. I worked really hard in high school to get those credits and worked multiple jobs in college to help pay for the three years I was there, and even with scholarships and some help from my parents, I still had some moderate student loans. We would have gotten married sooner if one of us had graduated and had a decent job, but it would have been devastating if my parents had stopped helping if I’d gotten married. I don’t think it would have sent a good message. As long as my kid was making decent grades, marital status wouldn’t make a difference to me. But all circumstances are a little different. 

[J-rap]

We would pay, because this is a commitment we made to our kids, whether they're married or not.  I'd love to be able to help them with that so they wouldn't have the burden of school loans when they were newly married and finances were probably very tight.

On the other hand, if her spouse had a great job and they could easily afford the cost of tuition, we wouldn't argue too much!

(My kids, whether married or single, will pay for any graduate degrees themselves.)

[easypeasy]

If we'd committed to paying for their degree beforehand, then yes, we'd honor that agreement regardless of marital status. Our kids are in more of a "we'll help you out as much as we are able" situation, which would mean we'd continue to help out with college, but certainly wouldn't be able to shell out $$ for a large wedding while doing so. If they want help with both college AND a wedding, then they'd better take it one at a time. ?

[8filltheheart]

It wasn't a hypothetical for us. Ds did get married in college. We did not pay his tuition bc he didn't need us to. He got married during his co-op yr. He earned the equivalent of 2/3 his post graduation salary and his coop company gave him scholarship $$ for every semester until graduation. Between that scholarship and the scholarship $$ he already had, tuition was covered. (Plus his company gave him full benefits including health insurance. This was pre the 26 yr old law.)

We did end up giving them a significant amt of $$, though. A few months after they were married, they were expecting. Our granddaughter's due date was not until after his college graduation and he already had a job for after graduation. Unfortunately, my dil went into labor at 27 1/2 weeks.  That was a really rough time. It was amazing to see the man he had become. We were incredibly proud of how he managed everything (school with a baby in the NICU for months.) Anyhoo, we did help them out financially then bc life was snowballing the way life can.

Fwiw, if your Dd and her boyfriend decide to get married, make sure they clearly understand timing for filing FAFSA and when they should do it.  Once they are married, they are considered independent and no longer require parental financial information. I have no idea how it works now that everything is prior-prior, but she should meet with her FA office and ask questions. Depending on her finances, she might be eligible for Pell grant $$. (Our 26 yos is going back to school this fall and he is eligible for Pell. This is our first experience with Pell. It is a simple process and easy access to funds.) If her school meets need, she might be eligible for institutional  grant $$ as well.

 

[Pawz4me]

DH and I made a commitment to ourselves before our kids were born that we'd pay for their undergrad degrees if it was at all possible. It has been possible, so we've been doing it. It's hard to say with hypotheticals, but I think It would be irrelevant whether they were married or not. Now I don't know how we'd handle living expenses. Our commitment sure didn't include funding a living space and food for a spouse. So I doubt we'd do that. But tuition, books and a basic living amount for DS--yes, we'd continue that.

[MarkT]

I guess the parents could try to make it some kind of dowry  ?

[lmrich]

We would pay tuition and books. I would think the happy couple should have to figure out how to pay living expenses. (We can also pay for tuition easily since she has a full scholarship)

[regentrude]

My commitment to pay for my children's education has nothing to do with their marital status. I would still pay. 

(From a pure practical perspective: we are at the top of our careers and have been saving for college. Unless the kid's spouse is an independently wealthy heir(ess) or much older, they would not have the funds.)

But I would encourage my kids to finish their education, at least undergrad, before marrying.

Edited August 6, 2018 by regentrude

[Annie Elle]

We got married the summer before our senior year in college. I was mostly independent from my parents by that point. After I got married, I did not need their help. Getting married actually helped me tremendously. I finally qualified for the Pell Grant and that paid my last year in school.

[Barb_]

Definitely would help with college expenses (but probably not living expenses). Marrying used to mean more financial aid but that really isn’t the case any longer. 

ETA: Actually my parents “lent” us money for my husband to finish college after our third child was born. We did everything backward. Had a child, bought a house, got married, had two more kids, finished college, had three more kids, finished masters. Anyway, after he graduated and got a good job in his field instead of setting up payments they wiped out the loan.

Edited August 6, 2018 by Barb_

[8filltheheart]

9 minutes ago, Barb_ said:

Definitely would help with college expenses (but probably not living expenses). Marrying used to mean more financial aid but that really isn’t the case any longer. 

I'm not sure this is accurate. According to studentaid.gov.edu if you answer yes to "As of today, are you married?" students do not have to provide parental info and are consider independent. For most students that probably means Pell grants and  subsidized vs unsubsidized loans at minimum. Schools may offer more institutional aid. 

[Barb_]

1 minute ago, 8FillTheHeart said:

I'm not sure this is accurate. According to studentaid.gov.edu if you answer yes to "As of today, are you married?" students do not have to provide parental info and are consider independent. For most students that probably means Pell grants and  subsidized vs unsubsidized loans at minimum. Schools may offer more institutional aid. 

I meant it doesn’t go nearly as far today as it would have a generation ago. I would help pay for the gap. Thanks for the opportunity to clarify. I’m posting in bed before coffee, lol

Edited August 6, 2018 by Barb_

[Chris in VA]

Thx for the  responses. I think I might be ok with paying tuition and not room and board. In my mind, I don't usually separate the two. Grad school would be on them. If they chose to live together, without marrying, I think tuition only would be reasonable. But, making it less hypothetical, he would probably gift her a year of his military benefit if they married, and she would probably qualify for more aid. 

And paying for a wedding, too...maybe giving a set amount and letting them choose what to fund would be a way to go. I am going to separate her fund for her wedding dress from her wedding fund, so that no matter how or whee she gets married, if she does, she will at least have a nice dress (and she can use that $ however she wants, it just "won't count" in the calculation). 

All this is just speculative, of course. 

[Barb_]

Oh I wouldn’t pay for grad school either, personally.

lol chris, you’re stressing me out this morning. It’s a lot to think about. All of my big kids broke things off with the SOs in the past six months. It was sad and missed them all, but a little relieved to have the clock reset on all of those decisions. 

Edited August 6, 2018 by Barb_

[regentrude]

11 minutes ago, Chris in VA said:

 If they chose to live together, without marrying, I think tuition only would be reasonable.

Don't understand the logic. You'd pay for room&board, but only if the kid were living with a room mate that is not her s/o? 

Edited August 6, 2018 by regentrude

[Barb_]

10 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Don't understand the logic. You'd pay for room&board, but only if the kid were living with a room mate that is not her s/o? 

The question isn’t directed to me, but yes I would encourage them to find a place they could afford without financial help. Pooling resources to share a tiny one bedroom could make that feasible. There is something about struggling a little bit together that is a bonding experience. It’s good for them to take responsibility for themselves. Of course we would be there to help if things got hairy, but I would expect a couple who is ready to start a life together would be taking some financial responsibility for themselves. If they aren’t willing to do that, they can wait until graduation. 

ETA I just saw you were responding to the “without marrying part.” Ignore me. I’m going to make coffee.

Edited August 6, 2018 by Barb_

[Lang Syne Boardie]

11 hours ago, Chris in VA said:

Purely hypothetical--dd does have a steady, but she's nowhere near thinking marriage yet. 

BUT--I was thinking back to my own college days, and my mom told me that, if I got married, she would consider me and my hubby as our own household, and she wouldn't pay for my tuition. We would be on our own, as she felt we would be (morally?) responsible for our own expenses. 

What's your take?

 

I don't see how on earth (or according to any religion that I'm aware of) that it could be a moral issue! Even if you're going with the biblical "a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife," or something about a man being the provider for his family, neither of those concepts preclude gifts or inheritance...

It would seem to me that if an adult child continued to meet whatever expectations had been attached to his parents' willingness to pay his college tuition - keeping up his GPA and staying on track to graduate in four years, or whatever - nothing should change on that front. The parents still pay tuition while making it very clear that they would pay for nothing else extra that is related to his getting married, such as larger housing or living expenses or a big wedding.

Again, that's an opinion. There is no moral right or wrong, there are just opinions, preferences, and decisions.

On the other hand...

It might be immoral to let a child commit himself to a four year course of study, upon which his livelihood will depend, on the promise that he will have help with tuition...and then take it away when he's more than halfway through the program! Leaving him to choose between student loans and dropping out! If he had not been told beforehand that he must not get married, can't live with a S/O, is not allowed to drink or smoke, and must attend church every Sunday, then it is not right to come along later and try to control his (legal) adult choices through threat of withdrawing tuition. 

OP, I'm not suggesting that you are doing anything, one way or another. I have no idea what the scenario is, that makes you ask the question. I'm just throwing this out there for the benefit of anyone reading along, who might be planning to pay their child's tuition (but only with some heavy duty strings attached). If that's you, anyone, you owe it to your child to make the deal VERY clear. Probably in writing. You won't be the first to make such rules. Christian colleges have long been filled with adults who have no other hope of going to school than to have their parents pay tuition, and parents will only pay for a Christian college, so there they are. They'd rather live with the restrictions and control than to not get an education. But everyone involved needs to know the deal, before signing up for something as important and costly as a college education. And once decided, both parties need to keep their commitment.

 

 

 

[8filltheheart]

We obviously have very different parenting strategies than most of the posters. I don't feel at all morally or otherwise obligated to pay for college for our kids. We don't "promise" them anything. We offer them what we can (which isnt a whole lot of $$) and they are thankful for the help we give bc they know we are offering what we have. But "obligated," just a big fat no from our perspective.  

If our kids were going to get married while we were paying for things (which we don't once they can pay things for themselves), there is no doubt in my mind they would approach us with the question of would we continue to help pay or would they need to find another source of financing. They would not assume anything one way or the other bc we treat them as adults (and thereby expect them to be as independent as possible) and they respect that our $$ is ours. Decisions would be made via conversation about whatever the real scenario is vs. expectations one way or the other. 

Honestly, I would be not be happy if our adult "expected" anything instead of asking/discussing.

 

[regentrude]

5 minutes ago, 8FillTheHeart said:

Honestly, I would be not be happy if our adult "expected" anything instead of asking/discussing.

I think the "expectation" we are referring to comes from parents telling their kids that they will fund the education. I agree that kids are not entitled to anything, but once I have told them "I will pay for your undergraduate degree", they can reasonably expect me to do so, barring emergencies like job loss or health problems.

Edited August 6, 2018 by regentrude

[Barb_]

Actually I think we’re all saying some variation on the same theme. No one is entitled to anything, but if there was a financial agreement made at the beginning of a degree program, that doesn’t automatically come to an end because the student decides to marry. 

 

[8filltheheart]

45 minutes ago, Barb_ said:

Actually I think we’re all saying some variation on the same theme. No one is entitled to anything, but if there was a financial agreement made at the beginning of a degree program, that doesn’t automatically come to an end because the student decides to marry. 

I guess the question is over financial agreement. We don't agree to pay for their tuition or room or board or whatever. We expect them to contribute as much as possible. What they increase in earnings, we decrease in paying. Make $$ on a summer internship? Pay your car insurance and phone bill. Make money co-oping, pay your own bills. We have no set agreement to pay their tuition or anything else. It is more an offer to assist if/as needed.  They do their part and we help.

Equally, we can and have decided to not continue paying. When our Aspie refused to take courses toward a degree and only wanted to take the courses he thought were important, we stopped paying. If he had worked toward a degree, we would have continued to help him. Technically, if we had just agreed to pay tuition, it wouldnt have mattered bc he was enrolled.  

 It isn't equal amg our kids, either. ? Some need more help than others.

Edited August 6, 2018 by 8FillTheHeart

[Barb_]

2 minutes ago, 8FillTheHeart said:

I guess the question is over financial agreement. We don't agree to pay for their tuition or room or board or whatever. We expect them to contribute as much as possible. What they increase in earnings, we decrease in paying. Make $$ on a summer internship? Pay your car insurance and phone bill. Make money co-oping, pay your own bills. We have no set agreement to pay their tuition or anything else. It is more an offer to assist if/as needed.

 It isn't equal amg our kids, either. ? Some need more help than others.

We actually have the same sort of arrangement here. Each according to his or her need. If one needs more funds, we will lend money but not give it away because we’ll need it back to give to a younger sibling eventually. By the time our youngest is finished we’re going to be OLD and will need it to feed ourselves lol

[Chris in VA]

@Tibbie Dunbar I think my mom's idea wasn't to control my behavior, but that she expected me to leave and cleave. That starting a new household meant I was saying I was independent. She didn't go to college (Dad did, but on the military benefit after he served in Korea), and I think her idea was just that being married meant being independent--If you are old and mature enough to get married, you are ready to pay your own bills, including college. It was made very clear. Not to say they didn't believe in helping from time to time--once, she sent me 1K to help with expenses (which I used for homeschooling, not to help as she intended, but she really didn't spell it out so I felt it was ok to apply it where I felt the need). I don't know that I agree with her. I really hate the whole control by $ thing. I have a friend who said No sex before marriage or we don't pay for college. I mean, really? Then she accepted the "it's not my condoms, I'm holding them for a friend..." <eyeroll> Unbelievable. 

 

And I totally, absolutely have made it clear what our "policy" is, in dd's case. But...I'm all about grace, and flexibility...hahah 

And like I said, this is just rolling around in my mind and not an actual dilemma or scenario at the moment. 

 

[Kassia]

I got married in my sophomore year of college.  My parents did not pay for college after that but I think they may have contributed a little?  DH paid for my college and I transferred from a private school to public.  

For my own kids, I would pay whatever I already agreed to pay.  Marriage wouldn't change that.

[catz]

I've seen money involvement get ugly with young couples so this is where it gets sketchy to me.  Especially when there were 2 sets of opinionated parents involved.  I can see floating some money at intervals for tuition or letting them stay on our insurance or cell plan.  But I would not want to be involved in month to month bill paying of a young married couple just establishing themselves or be regularly asked to float extra funds when things got tight.   And I'm not talking about an extreme emergency like giving birth to a surprise preemie. Honestly, I hope my kids finish their undergrad degrees before they marry.  I didn't marry until I was 29 and my DH was even older.   So I can imagine telling my kids that if they decide to marry, we will need to revisit the finances.  I do want my kids to graduate college.  But I also want to give them the space and time to have a healthy, adult relationship with their new spouse and to establish good independent financial habits early on.  Oh - I suspect I'd be ok if they decided to live with a SO during the college years.  

I also can't really see paying significantly for a large, fancy wedding while we're paying for college.  But in man power, I'd be there 100% and we'd certainly help with something simple

[SKL]

I would do whatever I promised to do as far as financing their education.  It would not be contingent on their staying single.

[rdj2027]

We would pay.  It has always been our goal to get our kiddos through college without or minimal debt.

[8filltheheart]

4 minutes ago, rdj2027 said:

We would pay.  It has always been our goal to get our kiddos through college without or minimal debt.

Ironically, no one in our family has ever taken out any loans for college. Our kids only apply to schools that can be attended on our very small budget without their having to take on any student loans. Cost is the main factor in their college decisions.

Our total cost for Dd this semester including books and parking pass (and this is with her staying in ridiculously expensive campus apt housing this yr and $330/semester for a parking pass) is $3000. (I just paid for her books for the semester, so this is on my mind.) That is similar to what we have paid for her older siblings. I think our max cost was $3500/semester with our oldest. We paid more for DE and summer camps for 22 yos.  One semester we paid $5000 for our oldest Dd bc we moved and her first semester they charged her OOS tuition but she was IS for the rest of her degree. 

So this is probably a MUCH different conversation in our household than in one where the bill is $30-70,000/yr!!!! 

[daijobu]

You are allowed to give someone up to $15,000 per year before a 20% gift tax kicks in.  But you can exceed this amount by paying for your student's tuition and medical expenses.  So if you have a lot of assets to pass on, you can divert a bunch of it into tuition.  Plus, if you don't care for your student's new spouse, he won't be able to spend that money.  

Edited August 7, 2018 by daijobu

[DawnM]

I would strongly discourage it, but you never know.  

I would keep paying the same amount, but would not pay living expenses, nor would I pay for HER tuition.  I would only pay my own child's, so if they are both still students, it probably wound't be the best option.

[Corraleno]

19 minutes ago, daijobu said:

You are allowed to give someone up to $15,000 per year before a 20% gift tax kicks in.  But you can exceed this amount by paying for your student's tuition and medical expenses.  So if you have a lot of assets to pass on, you can divert a bunch of it into tuition.  Plus, if you don't care for your student's new spouse, that money doesn't become community property, and he won't get half of that after a divorce.  (I'm sketchy on divorce law, so I could be really wrong here.)  

Actually you just have to file a gift tax return if you exceed $15K per recipient (excluding tuition or medical expenses). The excess above $15K just gets charged against your lifetime exemption, which is currently $5.6 million, or $11.2 million per married couple. So anyone whose estate is worth less that that is unlikely to ever pay any gift tax.

[katilac]

 

On 8/6/2018 at 10:44 PM, Corraleno said:

The excess above $15K just gets charged against your lifetime exemption, which is currently $5.6 million, or $11.2 million per married couple. So anyone whose estate is worth less that that is unlikely to ever pay any gift tax.

2

 

Phew, I think I'm safe! ?

[Chris in VA]

On 8/6/2018 at 10:25 AM, regentrude said:

Don't understand the logic. You'd pay for room&board, but only if the kid were living with a room mate that is not her s/o? 

I somehow missed your question, sorry!

It has to do with our beliefs about living together before marriage. We don't want to support that. Again, we feel they are establishing a household, and should take responsibility for themselves. If they want to do something that adult, they should be adult about it and not expect money from us to finance it. We take marriage very seriously and it just has to do with our beliefs. All this to say, we aren't trying to control their choices, just not participating in something we see as wrong. YMMV and probably does. ?

[regentrude]

14 minutes ago, Chris in VA said:

I somehow missed your question, sorry!

It has to do with our beliefs about living together before marriage. We don't want to support that. Again, we feel they are establishing a household, and should take responsibility for themselves. If they want to do something that adult, they should be adult about it and not expect money from us to finance it. We take marriage very seriously and it just has to do with our beliefs. All this to say, we aren't trying to control their choices, just not participating in something we see as wrong. YMMV and probably does. ?

But if the room mate were a stranger, it would be ok?

Edited August 8, 2018 by regentrude

[8filltheheart]

7 minutes ago, Chris in VA said:

I somehow missed your question, sorry!

It has to do with our beliefs about living together before marriage. We don't want to support that. Again, we feel they are establishing a household, and should take responsibility for themselves. If they want to do something that adult, they should be adult about it and not expect money from us to finance it. We take marriage very seriously and it just has to do with our beliefs. All this to say, we aren't trying to control their choices, just not participating in something we see as wrong. YMMV and probably does. ?

We would take a similar position bc we hold similar beliefs toward marriage. It isn't like it would be a surprise for our kids that would catch them completely off-guard and have them acting like we hit them with the idea out of nowhere. When you have raised your children with a belief system their entire lives and your family has actively lived those values, they are fully cognizant of those values. It would be like an Amish adult child somehow being shocked by their parents not accepting the use of internet and cable.  Those are obvious differences in how they were raised. Marriage vs living with a SO would be just as stark of a conflict with our belief system. They know.

[8filltheheart]

Just now, regentrude said:

But if the room mate were a stranger, it would be ok?

Yes. There is a difference. I would not fund in any way something that I believe is immoral. Based on our belief system, it would make me complicit in the sin. Not happening. But, like I stated above, it would not be a shock to our kids. They would know before hand bc they were raised with that system of beliefs. Actually, I know our kids wouldn't even ask bc they would already know.

[regentrude]

our posts crossed

Edited August 8, 2018 by regentrude

[regentrude]

24 minutes ago, 8FillTheHeart said:

Yes. There is a difference. I would not fund in any way something that I believe is immoral. Based on our belief system, it would make me complicit in the sin. Not happening. 

I am curious and hope it's OK to ask: if they just lived as platonic room mates, that would be OK? I mean, it's not the shared living arrangement that is sinful, right?

[Chris in VA]

1 hour ago, regentrude said:

I am curious and hope it's OK to ask: if they just lived as platonic room mates, that would be OK? I mean, it's not the shared living arrangement that is sinful, right?

Not sure if you are asking me or 8Fill. But I'll answer hahah

I don't have a huge problem with dd (or ds) living with a friend of the opposite sex as long as they are platonic, have clear boundaries, and are not "friends with benefits." 

I do have a problem with dd (or ds) living with boyfriend without the covenant of marriage. Without stating explicitly, it's not platonic. Why the problem? Besides the not platonic part, I don't want them living together without the ceremony of marriage because the "ceremony" is a covenant agreement in the presence of community and is legally binding and protective, and I believe the mindset of a sacramental marriage is different than living together. I realize my position is not the norm. 

[Bootsie]

We might have a significant financial implication if our children married while in college.  DH and I receive tuition assistance for our dependents through our employer and I am not sure that the assistance would continue for a married children.  We would try to continue to support financially a child's education should the child choose to marry.  Because university choices were based on schools where tuition assistance made them financially feasible, it might mean the child would need to transfer to a state school.

I have a friend whose parent would not pay for college (Ivy League) once he married his wife.  So, he married, joined the military, and went to Vietnam.  That was 55 years ago--they are still happily married.  He spent over 50 years with a poor, strained relationship with his father (who recently died).    

[8filltheheart]

2 hours ago, regentrude said:

I am curious and hope it's OK to ask: if they just lived as platonic room mates, that would be OK? I mean, it's not the shared living arrangement that is sinful, right?

My ds shared a house with 2 girls his sophomore yr. There was no romantic relationship involved with either one.  We had no problems with that. 

[shawthorne44]

I'd have no problem with my child getting married while in college, and would continue the same funding whatever that was.  Since the FA is so much better when married, I almost wish I'd gotten married and had a child while in college.  

 

[Guest]

On 8/6/2018 at 11:14 AM, 8FillTheHeart said:

We obviously have very different parenting strategies than most of the posters. I don't feel at all morally or otherwise obligated to pay for college for our kids. We don't "promise" them anything. We offer them what we can (which isnt a whole lot of $$) and they are thankful for the help we give bc they know we are offering what we have. But "obligated," just a big fat no from our perspective.  

If our kids were going to get married while we were paying for things (which we don't once they can pay things for themselves), there is no doubt in my mind they would approach us with the question of would we continue to help pay or would they need to find another source of financing. They would not assume anything one way or the other bc we treat them as adults (and thereby expect them to be as independent as possible) and they respect that our $$ is ours. Decisions would be made via conversation about whatever the real scenario is vs. expectations one way or the other. 

Honestly, I would be not be happy if our adult "expected" anything instead of asking/discussing.

 

My feelings are similar, though I have before witnessed that it isn’t the majority opinion. I do not think I “owe”it to my kids to pay for college, a car to use, opportunities such as study abroad. I think it is wonderful that we have been able to do these things so far, but I don’t think it’s a birthright. 

I’m sure a lot of it comes from my own upbringing because my parents did not pay for anything like that, nor my wedding or things for my first apartment or food, clothing, gad, insurance - nothing but the electricity I used when I still lived at home, and heat in the winter. I already had the mentality that I would be responsible for my own expenses from my upper teens on. 

I personaly don’t see much likelihood I would still pay for college once dc gets married and I defnitely don’t expect to pay for graduate degrees, though I will be delighted if any of my kids obtain them. I guess there could be certain instances in which I would be willing to pay, but it isn’t the majority. Maybe if, say, with one year to go till graduation, dd got pregnant and wanted to marry bf immediately, then I might. Or if something derailed the present trajectory like an illness or injury which meant finishing the last year of college dragged out for another couple years yet she wanted to marry her long-time bf - in an instance like that, I would probably still pay. 

[Guest]

On 8/6/2018 at 12:45 PM, FuzzyCatz said:

I've seen money involvement get ugly with young couples so this is where it gets sketchy to me.  Especially when there were 2 sets of opinionated parents involved.  I can see floating some money at intervals for tuition or letting them stay on our insurance or cell plan.  But I would not want to be involved in month to month bill paying of a young married couple just establishing themselves or be regularly asked to float extra funds when things got tight.   And I'm not talking about an extreme emergency like giving birth to a surprise preemie. Honestly, I hope my kids finish their undergrad degrees before they marry.  I didn't marry until I was 29 and my DH was even older.   So I can imagine telling my kids that if they decide to marry, we will need to revisit the finances.  I do want my kids to graduate college.  But I also want to give them the space and time to have a healthy, adult relationship with their new spouse and to establish good independent financial habits early on.  Oh - I suspect I'd be ok if they decided to live with a SO during the college years.  

I also can't really see paying significantly for a large, fancy wedding while we're paying for college.  But in man power, I'd be there 100% and we'd certainly help with something simple

This is my sentiment precisely. I don’t want to have any triangular relationship to my married children’s finances. 

My main feeling on it is that nobody has to get married right this minute. Or this year. So, do school while you’re still my dependent child and once you have degree in hand, then get married if that’s what you want to do. Once you’re married, your financial concerns are between you and your spouse. 

[Crimson Wife]

It depends. If I approved of the new spouse, then yes. But if an adult offspring wanted to marry someone I disapproved of, then I'd use the power of the purse strings to not facilitate the marriage.

I just heard a segment on NPR about American women married to ISIS fighters. I'm sure their families wish they had done more to try & prevent their daughters from becoming involved with Islamic radicals.

[Barb_]

If someone is determined to marry a terrorist I can’t imagine the withdrawal of college funds will be a particularly effective deterrent. 

[regentrude]

4 minutes ago, Barb_ said:

If someone is determined to marry a terrorist I can’t imagine the withdrawal of college funds will be a particularly effective deterrent. 

I don't think this is restricted to terrorists. Kids have put up with being disowned for their choice of mate at all times. I cannot imagine withdrawal of college funds to be a deterrent for  determined teen; in my experience, the more obstacles the parents put in their way, the more attractive the unwanted partner becomes.

Actually, come to think of: if I had grave reservations about my daughter's choice of partner, I would do all I can to enable her to get an education so she is better positioned to extricate herself from a deteriorating situation and support herself and kids, should the relationship not last.

Edited August 9, 2018 by regentrude