maize Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 (edited) I got married one semester before graduating ? my parents didn't contribute towards that last semester because it was covered by scholarships and Pell grant and part time work. I'd help my kids as able and if needed. Getting married while in college is very common among LDS students; I'd of course expect them to be frugal just as we were and as our parents were, nothing wrong with starting life together as poor students--it means you appreciate every step up you manage to make! I'd not cut off needed support because the last thing I would want to do would be to discourage finishing a degree. Edited August 9, 2018 by maize 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 25 minutes ago, regentrude said: Actually, come to think of: if I had grave reservations about my daughter's choice of partner, I would do all I can to enable her to get an education so she is better positioned to extricate herself from a deteriorating situation and support herself and kids, should the relationship not last. Absolutely this! The more concerned I was about the mate the more invested I would be not only in helping my child finish their education but also in shoring up my own relationship with them so they knew they could turn to me for help if needed. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 I will be quite surprised if none of my kids marry while in college. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 2 hours ago, regentrude said: I don't think this is restricted to terrorists. Kids have put up with being disowned for their choice of mate at all times. I cannot imagine withdrawal of college funds to be a deterrent for determined teen; in my experience, the more obstacles the parents put in their way, the more attractive the unwanted partner becomes. Actually, come to think of: if I had grave reservations about my daughter's choice of partner, I would do all I can to enable her to get an education so she is better positioned to extricate herself from a deteriorating situation and support herself and kids, should the relationship not last. So you think parents should subsidize their child's bad life decision? I can't stop an adult from doing what he/she wants but I can say that I'm not going to continue to subsidize him/her in the wake of a bad decision. I would make it clear that I would fund the rest of his/her education if he/she dumped the bad-news spouse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 I would also cut off financial support for an adult child with an uncontrolled drug or alcohol addiction. Continuing to pay is just enabling the son/daughter to make bad life decisions. Go to rehab & be serious about cleaning up one's life, and I'll be happy to help out again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 5 minutes ago, Crimson Wife said: So you think parents should subsidize their child's bad life decision? I can't stop an adult from doing what he/she wants but I can say that I'm not going to continue to subsidize him/her in the wake of a bad decision. I would make it clear that I would fund the rest of his/her education if he/she dumped the bad-news spouse. I would not see it as subsidizing the marriage but as subsidizing the education. Education does not become a bad life decision because of an ill advised marriage; these are two separate matters. It seems wise to me to continue to support GOOD choices especially when not all the choices a child is making are good. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 (edited) 25 minutes ago, Crimson Wife said: So you think parents should subsidize their child's bad life decision? I can't stop an adult from doing what he/she wants but I can say that I'm not going to continue to subsidize him/her in the wake of a bad decision. I would make it clear that I would fund the rest of his/her education if he/she dumped the bad-news spouse. No. I consider getting a college education a good life decision which I am willing to fund, even if the child makes also bad decisions with her choice of partner. These are unrelated. I do not think a young adult, when faced with the decision, will choose college over the person whom they believe to be the love of their life, so I don't see any benefit in trying to force them to choose. I would rather make it as easy as possible for them to get away from a potentially bad situation by giving them the gift of an education. Edited August 9, 2018 by regentrude 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 (edited) I likely would. I am not necessarily of the view that I would not contribute to living expenses. I'd be very careful with that though for reasons stated above. I think I'd see talking about marriage in those circumstances as time for a renegotiation though. Generally, my desire would be to enable my kids to treat marriage and sexual relationships with the seriousness they deserve. I think it's normal for adults to want to enter into that relationship, and rather than just revert to a kind of holding status relationship, or living together, I'd want them to see their actions as having consequences. I also don't think there is anything intrinsic to marriage that says married people must be totally independent from family help. I do think though that couples should think very seriously about the economic aspects of marriage, so I'd want to see that happening, and as someone contributing financially, I'd want to hear from them what their plan was. My view of family is not that parents owe their kids higher education, it's that families pitch in when they can for the good of all. But that does have a downside of giving the family a stake in your decisions. I would not expect kids in those circumstances to be having anything other than a very simple sort of wedding. Ask all the family, sure, but it would be cake and punch in the church hall or something equivalent. If they felt they had funds for more, then I'd think they could spend them on their education. Edited August 10, 2018 by Bluegoat 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bootsie Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 6 hours ago, Crimson Wife said: So you think parents should subsidize their child's bad life decision? I can't stop an adult from doing what he/she wants but I can say that I'm not going to continue to subsidize him/her in the wake of a bad decision. I would make it clear that I would fund the rest of his/her education if he/she dumped the bad-news spouse. Just because I might have strong concerns and reservations about a child's choice of a mate, it does not mean that the child is making a bad life decision. It is a decision I would have difficulty with, but I would have no way of knowing that it was truly a bad life decision. I 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 I also think there is a big difference to giving funds to someone to go to school, and funds they are using to buy drugs or gamble. Now, if the new spouse was using the education money in some way for nefarious ends that might be a real issue, but that's a different story I think. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted August 13, 2018 Share Posted August 13, 2018 I have not read the other replies so I hope this isn't too repetitive. If I had the means to help and DD would not be able to continue her education without my help, I would help her. If she were marrying someone with a decent income who could and was willing to provide higher education for DD then I would see it as his responsibility. If they were both young and in college and she would have to drop out, I would want to try to help her stay in. If that makes sense? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CAJinBE Posted August 18, 2018 Share Posted August 18, 2018 This topic recently came up at our home. A family friend got married the summer before her junior year and we were wondering what the parents would do about funding school. Since my dh and I were married when I was still in school, our situation was that we took on all the costs of our married life including tuition for me. Of course, this was in the 80s at a public university so between my part-time job and his full-time job we could save enough each semester to do so. My initial expectation is that married people take care of their own financial obligations, but considering some of the points made earlier I might reconsider if it meant that my dd couldn't finish her education. I really hope they both finish school first and not do what I did but it worked out okay for me. I would not have wanted to take money from my parents after getting married, but times have changed. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted August 20, 2018 Share Posted August 20, 2018 We would still pay for their tuition and books, if needed. My oldest had full scholarships with enough leftover to pay for half of grad school. We paid the other half of grad school. And still would have if he'd gotten married. Youngest is in grad school and we're paying. Like his brother, he had scholarships for his undergrad. But we still would have paid, even if they hadn't had scholarships and were married. Education is too important to have them quit before they're finished. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted August 20, 2018 Share Posted August 20, 2018 Is the person they're marrying independently wealthy? If yes, hey, they can pay for me to get more education! If not, well, I don't think marriage removes my other obligations to them. 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rebbyribs Posted September 15, 2018 Share Posted September 15, 2018 On 8/8/2018 at 10:17 AM, 8FillTheHeart said: My ds shared a house with 2 girls his sophomore yr. There was no romantic relationship involved with either one. We had no problems with that. My brother did something similar - shared a house with 3 other students in his department. He started dating one of the girls and they're still together (and married now) 15 years later. ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 I read the OP but I have not read the multitude of replies. IMO if they are mature, it can be an advantage. Some time back, I read an article about Undergraduate students who are Married. In particular, I remember reading about BYU, which is an LDS school. Many of their undergraduate students are married and they have housing for married students. It brings them more stability, not being in the dating game. That would obviously vary, with the 2 individuals involved. Interesting. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
................... Posted October 4, 2018 Share Posted October 4, 2018 I would do everything in my power to ensure that my daughter (or son) had the best chance possible of finishing their educaiton! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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