King Alfred Academy Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 :grouphug: I am sorry you are going through this difficult time. :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 (edited) I'm so sorry for you. IF you can reconcile, as a mom who was single and is now married, I would say to keep the home it's so obvious that you've created. BUT, that being said, not all marriages can be saved. I gave my best friend a hard time about divorcing her husband, until she told me what was going on with her home. It wasn't right and under any belief, she should have been out of there! She had a pretty bad attorney, but with the grace of God, her ex had to pay support, alimony (for 3 yrs) and pays 1/2 for private Christian Classical school. She went back to school and did nails, and lived on her parent's property. (Texas is pretty free about living on your own property.) Not knowing what state you live in (couldn't find it....Virginia?) I'm not sure how it goes with you. Here, it's the parent with sole custody who ultimately decides on what type of schooling is used. I just have to say that when you are divorcing, it's best to try to stay married...if you can...but if you can't....there's no being nice in divorce. Marriage isn't always fun, but divorce is never fun! Please find a great Godly pastor and wife or someone like this, to discuss your situation and be mentors for you in this season of your life. :-) Edited November 11, 2008 by NayfiesMama Why can't I spell? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andie Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 I'm living proof that miracles can happen in a marriage. I will hope and pray for you, first, a miracle. Then peace, of course, and healing,no matter what the ultimate outcome. Hugs, Jessica. :grouphug: Ditto. :grouphug:Jessica&kids:grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laylamcb Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 :grouphug: to you and yours, Jessica. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 (edited) I have several friends who are divorced/separated and homeschooling, and as you may remember, we are facing DH's early retirement in the next few years which will require that I work more if we stay put (which is our preference for many reasons). A lot depends on where you live and what your support network is. I have one friend who rents in her retired parents' basement apartment, and she does evening and weekend fill-in work as a nurse. It works for her because her parents are able to open the door between the living areas at night if she has to go to work and are willing to watch her kids on the weekend. Another friend lives with an older lady from her church and does the cooking/cleaning in exchange for room and board. She receives enough income from her ex to cover her other expenses, but she's also considering going back to school when her youngest is a little older. The third one received the house in the settlement, but has never received much child support because her ex moves a lot and has been unemployed a lot. She does after-school, overnight, and summer childcare of kids about the same age as her own, cleans offices in the evening (her kids help), and cleans her church and is the back-up for another on weekends. In our case, we will have some income and medical insurance when DH retires, but not enough. I'm looking at doing more tutoring, working at Staples in the evening, doing more web development, and even getting my teaching certificate, so that my schedule would be at least reasonable and I could do some weekend and summer homeschooling. DH can take over basically seeing that they get things done, but he doesn't have the stamina to do every subject and schooling like we have been even though I have streamlined quite a bit and have them doing a lot independently. I hope that you come up with some options! Edited November 11, 2008 by GVA Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NevadaRabbit Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 Jessica, I wanted to add to the hugs and prayers for you. I hope it encourages you to hear another testimony, that the Lord restored our marriage from the brink of divorce over a decade ago, and He continues to restore this marriage of two sinners every day. My only advice would be to seek Him diligently. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Once Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 Marriages have been saved by ONE person doing "all the work" and the other person coming along :iagree: My marriage is living proof of that one. I would say *I* did all the work and dh would say *he* did all the work. We've had tough times and we are stronger now. Hang in there Jessica! Things can be better. :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 I've read every response and I think it is clear that with creativity, it can be done. I'd like to encourage you to rely heavily on God and His Word. It does and can work. My husband and I nearly divorced five years ago. He retained an attorney without my knowledge and had her start drawing up papers before I even knew he was planning on leaving. I read divorce busting books and books by a Christian lady who had her marriage restored after he married another woman. I combined the two bits of advice. Some of which was get my own life, go out with friends, be happy in his presence, not retaining my own attorney or fighting in court. I helped the kids celebrate his birthday (bought gift, made cake) even though he completely ignored mine the month prior. He didn't even suggest the kids tell me happy birthday. He went from: I want a divorce. You can stay long enough to get a job. I'm keeping full custody of the kids. To: I'll move out. You can have the house and custody of the kids. I'll pay full child support. How much do you think I'll be able to have them. To: I don't have to move out. Can we work things out? Five years later: Our marriage is better than it has ever been due to the book Love and Respect. In fact, I just realized that this is the first year that the anniversary of the date he asked for the divorce passed without my noticing it. I pray that God will work miracles in your life and show you what He desires for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TxMama Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 More specifics..... I did keep homeschooling during the whole ordeal. I moved from our home to a smaller place that I could afford. Our homeschooling during this time consisted of the 3r's plus having the kids do something related to history, science each day. I collected our books in piles per subject and they had access to something on the computer they could do. So we basicly unschooled history/science during this time. It helped that we didn't have a tv during this time so they didn't have the option of vegging in front of the tube. They were in the 8-9yo age range. It wasn't ideal but it worked. They did an amazing amount of work on their own during this time so it wasn't a total lost. Once I was settled post divorce in a new town, new home and new job we slowly rebuilt our homeschool. I had to let go of some preconcieved notions of what my homeschool was going to look like but in the end it was far better than before. Still praying for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
home4school Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 Dear Jess, I am prayful for you that your marriage can be saved and I know you have gotten great advice, testimonies, and encouragement to that end. But, you did ask about jobs. I have, in the past, done secretarial work from home for a medical sales rep. I was paid $10/hr and worked between 10-15 hours a week. It was a great situation, but he retired and I haven't be blessed with anyone else needing my help. With small business changes that are probably coming, I imagine there will be lots of layoffs, so perhaps you could get in with some small local businesses for secretarial needs or bookkeeping (accts payable/receivable, payroll) etc. that you could do from home. They would still have their needs met, without the cost of a real full-time employee. I know some people who are in the repo business and unfortunately, it is booming now. Perhaps you could work with local repo companies doing the interent search work from home. I did do collection calls at one time from home for doctors offices. I wouldn't recommend that, it was very depressing harrassing sick people for money. I couldn't deal with it and quit. I also have a few hs friends that work at homeschool "schools", paid teaching positions at co-ops, etc. Haven't I heard people here talk about hs consultants? You would be awesome at that! Another clear talent you have is shown in your blog. Maybe web design? Just some things for you to think on, but I do pray for you and your dear family that all will be restored. There was a time a few years ago when my dh's presence made me literally, physically ill. I just felt a hatred for him. But, I didn't do anything at that time and somehow, somewhere along the way, God restored everything. I don't even know when it happened! Prayers for you, Kim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LilyK Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 Jessica, I have always silently admired you and the great tips you give on the curriculum boards. I hope that you will continue homeschooling. My dear, dear friend has been divorced for a year. All of her friends have rallied around her and helped her in many ways, especially child care. I help her out by having her babysit my kids, because she won't take handouts. Here are some of the things she has done. 1. Moved in with wonderful, family member (sister) 2. work at home doing loan processing 3. got ex-husband to pay for curriculum 4. cut out (for now) extra-curricular activities for kids 5. rely on friends and family for love and support Good luck, I pray that love and blessings will abound in your home. Lily Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen500 Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 :grouphug: I really encourage you to (privately) consult a knowledgeable, decent attorney before making any changes. :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mabeline Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 I am so sorry you are going through this. You will be in my prayers. And as a child of divorce your children will be in my prayers as well. May God bring you peace and bring you through this in His love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetbaby Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 I've read every response and I think it is clear that with creativity, it can be done. I'd like to encourage you to rely heavily on God and His Word. It does and can work. My husband and I nearly divorced five years ago. He retained an attorney without my knowledge and had her start drawing up papers before I even knew he was planning on leaving. I read divorce busting books and books by a Christian lady who had her marriage restored after he married another woman. I combined the two bits of advice. Some of which was get my own life, go out with friends, be happy in his presence, not retaining my own attorney or fighting in court. I helped the kids celebrate his birthday (bought gift, made cake) even though he completely ignored mine the month prior. He didn't even suggest the kids tell me happy birthday. He went from: I want a divorce. You can stay long enough to get a job. I'm keeping full custody of the kids. To: I'll move out. You can have the house and custody of the kids. I'll pay full child support. How much do you think I'll be able to have them. To: I don't have to move out. Can we work things out? Five years later: Our marriage is better than it has ever been due to the book Love and Respect. In fact, I just realized that this is the first year that the anniversary of the date he asked for the divorce passed without my noticing it. I pray that God will work miracles in your life and show you what He desires for you. Awesome testimony, Joann! I have that book by Eggrich also. It's a tremendous blessing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kat19 Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 I have no advice just want to offer :grouphug: :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dayle in Guatemala Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 :grouphug:Jessica:grouphug: I can't help you with your questions, but, I will be praying that God will give you wisdom during this time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beansprouts Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 :grouphug: More hugs for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johanna Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 Jessica, :grouphug: I will pray for you. I am sorry that you are going through this... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newlifemom Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 Jessica, Dh and I have prayed and will be praying for you and yours. Don't know your sit. don't have to. It is a burden God has placed on our hearts from the beginning of our marriage. (not that we are some great couple or anything.) Just know that we will keep praying for all your future decisions.:grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lux Et Veritas Academy Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 I am praying for you and your family! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 What are you doing to be able to homeschool? How are you supporting yourself? (Do you rent or own a home, if it is your marriage home, please share that too.) Do you get alimony or just child support? Do you work from home? Did you go back to school to be able to work from home? (Any recommendations on what to do?) It has come up for me recently although I have taken no action and there is no hostility at present. I am looking for part time work and basically setting myself up to work now, as well as homeschool. We rent although we have 2 investment properties. I would rent another home, dh would stay here. Dh would give me some sort of child support- I would have to fight for more than bare minimum. Social security benefit is enough to live on, with a part time job, in Australia, although it scares me that the kids would have to cut back on their social activities, which are very important to them. I can't work from home because dh already does, and his business would interfere with mine. That is proving a blessing- it is good for me to move into the world, when dh works from home- I am meeting people and finding support and encouragement- to the point that the home situation feels much easier to handle. I am a trained naturopath...it is not easy to set up a business and get a client base...but its what I want to do so I am heading in that direction. Basically, whatever happens in my marriage- and its come to this edge many times before- I feel it is time not to be so financially dependent on him. My kids however are teens now, and even my rather needy child can work enough independently that I think I can leave him a few hours here and there and the work will be done. When I first started homeschooling, dh and I were separated and I worked part time. Dh looked after the dc two mornings a week,while he worked from home- and they were only 7 and 9 then. :grouphug: Jessicca. I feel these things have a way of working out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mamagistra Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 Hugs and prayers, Jessica. :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 Hugs to you, Jessica. I know the pressure clergy wives are under, and clergy hubbies, too. I'm sorry you've had to deal with your husband's disability, your in-laws, and so much that you can't share. I offer you my prayers. I know God can re-ignite the flame of marriage, and I know counseling can really, really help. Know you are thought of so very often. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
partyof5 Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 Jessica, No experience or wisdom here, just hugs. :grouphug: Praying for you & your family, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trivium Academy Posted November 11, 2008 Author Share Posted November 11, 2008 I can't tell you how RELIEVED I am to hear that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RenayofRohan Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 My prayers are with you, Jessica. :grouphug: "Now to Him who is able to do exceeding abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us...." Ephesians 3:20 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trivium Academy Posted November 12, 2008 Author Share Posted November 12, 2008 Everyone's prayers and well wishes have been overwhelming. I've decided to stay the execution for a little while, I talked to a lawyer today and I didn't like or feel comfortable about what was said. I can change a few things so, I'm going to do that...work on paying off my debt, getting counseling (I need some for myself and we need it together-if he'll go, oh fun) and I'll have to get a part-time night job to accomplish some financial goals. In the long run, I'm not staying but I can leave smarter than this. Before I leave, I will make sure I can provide the kids stability on my own instead of thrusting us out there scrambling to make ends meet and sending them off to school. There is emotional/mental abuse involved and if he's reading this, so be it. It's not my fault. He has a huge opportunity and time to change if he wishes, finally that I know what IS happening, I can address it on my end too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 (edited) HUGS, Jessica, A wonderful movie called Fireproof was released recently. I encourage you both to watch it. The website has some fabulous resources, as well. I have been down the divorce road and it was a difficult time for me and my 2 oldest boys. He was abusive, too so we have all had to deal with the scars that leaves. If that is the issue and he is not willing to see it/change, get out now! Putting it off will only harm your little ones and you more and the abuse may escalate. Does he have anyone in your Church who is over him? If so, I would suggest going to talk to them about what is going on. Men who represent God should NOT be treating their families that way and still be allowed to uphold themselves as examples of Godliness to others in their flock. I pray most fervently that you and your hubby can work this out. May our Heavenly Father who watches over and loves all His children be with you at this time. Edited November 12, 2008 by Guest Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 Jessica, you are a strong, smart woman. I'm so sorry to hear about what's going on. I wish you were nearby so we could help you out. I know you'll do what's best for all of you. Again, I have no experience, but from everything I've read regarding this kind of issue, the keys are to document document document EVERYTHING, and to make sure you have a good lawyer. I've also seen others say what everyone else said about not changing your children's lives before you step off this cliff. My thoughts are with you in this difficult time :( :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 ...delete that message, pretty please? You could be hurting yourself. I'll delete mine if you delete yours... and in the meantime, think about what it would be like to have to co parent from a divorced stance, and picture it out. Don't make any decisions if it's an out of the frying pan into the fire scenerio... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 ...delete that message, pretty please? You could be hurting yourself. I'll delete mine if you delete yours... and in the meantime, think about what it would be like to have to co parent from a divorced stance, and picture it out. Don't make any decisions if it's an out of the frying pan into the fire scenerio... I'm sorry to say I agree. I think protecting yourself and the kids has to be foremost at this point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Titus.Two.Five Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 We love you, Jessica. :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laughing lioness Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 Please interview whatever counselor you go to before you go. Many in the mental health field are not much better off than the people they are "helping" and frequently are bitter and angry (both my parents were mental health professionals and my dh and I are both in the field so I've been around those in the "helping" profession since I was very little- could probably write a book on the history of pop psych-haha). We have known people who go together for marital counseling and the counselor tells them, first visit, to get a divorce. If you are really serious about working on your marriage and yourself, find a reputable, moral counselor, and as a Xian, I would recommend finding a believer who knows about integration. Also, a very dear friend of mine who had been married 3x's said that it "just gets easier" to get a divorce (meaning every time you divorce it makes it that much easier). She had many boundery problems and there was an abuse situation as well but the cr&p her kids went through with her divorces left lasting marks. Please go slow. Pray hard. Seek wisdom. Know that you are loved. I'll be praying for you.:grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paula in PA Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 Please interview whatever counselor you go to before you go. Many in the mental health field are not much better off than the people they are "helping" and frequently are bitter and angry (both my parents were mental health professionals and my dh and I are both in the field so I've been around those in the "helping" profession since I was very little- could probably write a book on the history of pop psych-haha). We have known people who go together for marital counseling and the counselor tells them, first visit, to get a divorce. :iagree: and :grouphug: My situation is very different from yours, but this is what happened to us, more than once. We ended up foregoing counseling, but I have been lucky in that my dh has been very willing to do whatever it takes to make things right. You at least, though, should try it, if only to get things straight in your own mind. If you can get him to go with you, all the better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storm Bay Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 :grouphug::grouphug: You've had lots of advice. While I pray you can work things out and stay together, whatever happens I hope it all works out for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sagira Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 Trivium, I've been thinking about you all day today. I had to take my children to the doctor, hence no time to reply before tonight. My prayers are with you. I trust you will know what you need to do, and know that you have friends here. This is a very difficult situation, but I know you are a strong, smart woman as a PP said, and you will know what's best for you and your children. Reflect a lot, think a lot, pray a lot. Be strong. :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackie in AR Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 I'll be praying for your family, Jessica. ((Hugs)) to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 I will pray for you and your family.:grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SW in IL Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 My husband and I are separated and I'm at a loss as to what I'm going to do next. Most of the time it's a struggle to get out of bed. My husband and I have no real assets that we have to worry about how to split. But he's also not the bio parent of DS, so no child support from him (I do not get any from DS's father either). Alimony is up in the air as my husband has only worked for 2 months this year. A social worker I spoke to recommended consulting a lawyer and then filing for divorce once my husband has an income but that could take years. He's content to live on Unemployment until it runs out and then move in with whatever friend will have him until they kick him out. At least that's what happened from 2001-2004 when he was out of work for 3.5 years. I live with my mom but we all realize that my son and I need our own place. Which creates more problems. I haven't worked outside the home since I was pregnant with my oldest (now 22) and never really even went to college, so I'm not sure what I can do. And what'll happen to DS in the meantime? At the moment, I'm hoping my husband gets a job before the end of the year and that he'll make good on his promise to help me get set up somewhere affordable (read not anywhere around here) and pay the first 6 months of our living expenses while I get a job (doing what?) and figure out things. There's a great school (public) in Minnesota that I'd love for DS to attend for his last 2 years of high school, but what about the 2 years before that? Chances are I'll have to put him in public school when this all goes down but not much school work is getting done at home with all this going on so ps might be a better option anyway... depending on the school, of course. :grouphug: to you. I hope everything works out for the best, whatever that may be. Sue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OKCyndi Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 I just hopped on the boards after a long absence, and I'm so sorry to read this. Of course, I don't know the details, but have you hear about Retrouvaille? It's known for saving marriages, even when the couple is already separated or divorced - it's very effective. Though it is Catholic sponsored, other denominations are welcome. http://www.retrouvaille.org/ I will sincerely pray for God's wisdom and peace for you and your family. Peace, Cyndi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CLHCO Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 Just a :grouphug: and a prayer for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in St Louis Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 :grouphug: and prayers for you, Jessica! Melissa in St Louis Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Governess Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 I have no advice to share, only :grouphug: and prayers. I'm really sorry you're going through this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mull-berry-ish Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 I'll have to get a part-time night job. With Christmas coming up, it would be easy getting a night stocking job at any retail store. One website, Snag-A-Job.com, lists nearby jobs and their descriptions ... just type in your zipcode to find jobs near you. Recently, I have started working "ad-set" at Kohl's. The hours are (usually) 8pm-1am. They also have other jobs available at night or early morning ... freight and re-stocking the store. Also, with store hours extending to midnight ... you could be a cashier. - Right now, all stores doing seasonal hiring. Other places to look for night work is in hospitals - nowadays, you could work nights 7pm-7am, 3x per week and be fulltime. HTH P.S. Sorry to hear about your situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaska Mom Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 Just :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: More :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: and prayers to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JumpedIntoTheDeepEndFirst Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 Jessica, I can't offer any advice since I only "know" you via the internet. Having watched other divorces... Find a good lawyer and a good counselor as needed. Don't feel you need to take the first one you meet. Also, you are allowed to regularly consult both about the impact of major life decisions at this point. Use your common sense in addition to their advice. And-no matter how much anyone pesters you only discuss as much as you want when you are out here. I think these folks will be sending you good wishes and prayers even if you are not divulging info to the public (which may be the best idea). I hope you find some times of peace in the days ahead, remember to bask in the love of your children and pets, and I wish you well and will be sending you all the best... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beth in SW WA Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 I have no advice to share, only :grouphug: and prayers. I'm really sorry you're going through this. My sentiments exactly. Godspeed, Jessica.:grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 Jessica, You know that I have BTDT in many parallel ways. I was able to somewhat protect homeschooling in my decree, which can now only be challenged with a court case. I was able to keep, somewhat, our lifestyle and home by homeschooling additional children (legal in my state). I also provided after school care. Nonetheless, I had to declare bankruptcy. Due to the personality type of an unrecovered abusive/power/controlling person, I am still suffering in relationship with my xh. It's a better suffering than what I had *in* the marriage, but the abuse/power/control continues. Please approach message board replies, books, counseling and sites with prayer and requests for discernment. The conservative Christian community's response to divorce is typically awful and that's even more true when abuse is present. Please don't rely on that flawed community in this regard. You will need counseling no matter what the details end up being. I know you know this, but for other readers, an abusive spouse needs *specific* help to recover and generalized "marriage" or individual counseling does not address the issues involved in abuse. There *are* many wonderful marriage restoration resources that work in many situations. I encourage people to seek them. They do not, however, work in abuse situations. You are in a position of having to choose the best from lousy choices. Look for a Next Step Divorce class. You do not have to be divorced or certain that you are going there to attend. *Consciously* and *conscientiously* parent your kids through this. Don't lie; not even little ones. My divorce class had a corresponding class for kids; it was invaluable. If you can't find one, let me know if you'd like to discuss honest ways to help them during this time - regardless of the outcome. It would be my preference that your marriage heal and thrive. But the *reality* of abuse recovery is dismal. It's unfortunately dismal from the abuser and the victim as the victim tends to stay in the same dysfunctional patterns as well. Living in an abusive situation, even and sometimes especially in one in which you are never physically hit, is a he** that can't be described. NO ONE EVER DESERVES that. NEVER. Not for being human, making mistakes, having a messy house, not being affectionate, for being too tired for sex, for being impatient, unkind, or having some of your own dysfunctional issues. An abusive marriage is not Biblical; it is not God's design for marriage. An abusive marriage is a marriage on paper only. Please be exceedingly careful about the books, sites and info you seek while still learning about abuse/the abuse cycle. Much of the frequently recommended information serves only to abuse victims more. I am praying for all involved here. I'm so sorry you are in this place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 Praying for you Jessica, and all of the ladies who responded in similar situations. ((((HUGS))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 Jessica, I am so sorry you are going through a miserable marriage and the stress of considering this. :grouphug: It must be so hard for you. When your DH seems to others to be well respected.... grrrrrr... I have so been there.:glare: Big :grouphug:, Jessica! Have you sought Christian counseling? Inexpensive and in some cases, free. I feel you. I've been through a world wind of things in my marriage, too many and personal to mention here but God is restoring what has been broken. Some have even wondered why I have remained married and how I'm even sane but I give God all of the glory. I could not love and certainly could not pray for my dh if it wasn't for God. I pray healing for you either way. I definitely know how hard it can be. I'm living proof that miracles can happen in a marriage. I will hope and pray for you, first, a miracle. Then peace, of course, and healing,no matter what the ultimate outcome. Hugs, Jessica. Hubby and I reconciled in fairly short order though (we believe there is only one scriptural ground for divorce and even then it sometimes is worked out). There was every form of abuse (r8pe) at least once and adultery on both sides in my marriage. We were able to work it out. It took my DH knowing how serious it was (I was the first one to commit adultery :glare:) and then it took knowing what was wrong and how to fix it. We used Dr. Phil's book and he got some counseling from some of our elders. They basically told him that he had no choice but to make this marriage successful because he had already told God that he would do so. End of story. So... he did. (I did some changing too, there are things that the abused one does that allows it to happen or adds to the cycle.) We are happier than ever now. I would never have believed it. At one point I hated him and thought he was ugly. I have no doubt now that I would be deeply unhappy if we had divorced. The year and a half of he** on earth was worth the outcome we have now, especially for my DD. Know that I am not judging you. If DH sees no need to change and won't put in the effort then I understand. (It took mine over a year of separation to finally get his act together, but he did!) And here is some more :grouphug:. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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