unromantic gifts

[mom@shiloh]

So, in the process of shopping on-line for Christmas gifts, I stumbled upon the fact that my dh just bought me a set of pots and pans, which I'm assuming he plans to give me for Christmas.  He probably thinks this is a thoughtful gift since I spend so much time cooking for sooooo many people, but I have mentioned on several occasions that I really don't LIKE to cook.  In addition, he's kind of in the doghouse with me anyway about something else, which he knows was his fault and a stupid thing to do.  In my mind, I'm thinking this would be a good time to get me something sweet and romantic.  Actually, I'd be fine with no gift at all and I would prefer NO gift to a gift that I don't really want.  

 

We've been married many years -- we have grandkids -- so I feel as if he should have figured this out by now.  It's not the first time something like this has happened.  What should I do?  Should I tell him, or just accept the gift graciously and remember that it's the thought that counts?  

[regentrude]

I made it clear to my DH early on that household appliances and kitchen tools are household contributions and can be valuable as such - but I do not consider them personal gifts.

Tell your DH that it's great he bought new pans for your household, and tell them you what you want for Christmas.

I find that expecting men to be mind readers does not work particularly well, but telling them directly is quite effective.

Edited November 28, 2017 by regentrude

[ErinE]

I tend to be the practical gift giver and DH the romantic, but I think what everyone has said is spot on. Tell him how you feel or buy what you want and thank him for the lovely gift.

[marbel]

Well, I like nice cookware as a gift and if asked, do request it. But in your situation, I would tell him you discovered the gift by accident and it is not something you want. Then, give him some ideas. I hope he takes your suggestions well!

[regentrude]

I did something similar...but then it came the year that I really didn't WANT anything and I had to BEG him to give me the new washer and dryer, promising that I would always remember that I had BEGGED for it.  Thing is, it gave me the gift of time, because I could do all our family's wash in 2 loads instead of 6...so it was a gift...in a good disguise.  :0)

 

DH and I would discuss the need for the new appliances and make a joint decision whether to purchase. If I felt strongly that we needed a new washer and dryer, I would express that. Under no circumstances would I consider a washer a personal gift because laundry is not my personal hobby. 

Now, we have some years decided to give ourselves the joint gift of an updated appliance or home improvement for Christmas and have given each other only small tokens. That I am OK with. 

Edited November 28, 2017 by regentrude

[SparklyUnicorn]

I would tell him what I want.  Maybe it would be fantastic if he knew, but ya know obviously he doesn't. 

 

I've asked for pots and pans.  It truly IS a gift I'd want.  And had I not told him, he'd get me jewelry, perfume, flowers, etc...which I dislike.

[Lady Florida.]

I have to give mine several ideas and ask him not to stray from those. He's just not good at coming up with gift ideas. In my case he'd probably think the pots and pans are like him getting a new power tool, which he'd be thrilled to get as a gift. At least I do like to cook though and dh knows that.

 

I agree with those who say you should tell him. You're right that your dh should know better after all these years but I swear sometimes they just don't get it on their own and need to be told outright.

[Guest]

I’m a great gift giver. After many complaints, the Hive made me realize that not everyone is. Usually, it is best to assume that a lot of thought and effort went into a gift and it just missed the mark.

[Crimson Wife]

Personally, I prefer practical gifts and not frivolous stuff like jewelry, etc. Give me something that I'll actually USE rather than something decorative. Took me a while, but I've finally trained him.

 

In the OP's shoes, I would thank him for thinking of me but let him know that I'd be returning it for something else so he should cancel the order before it ships if possible.

[Arcadia]

He probably thinks this is a thoughtful gift since I spend so much time cooking for sooooo many people, but I have mentioned on several occasions that I really don't LIKE to cook.

...

Should I tell him, or just accept the gift graciously and remember that it's the thought that counts?

Would the new set of pots and pans be better for you than what you currently use? If yes, then I’ll tell my husband that I will just treat the new set as replacements rather than as a gift. He might be thinking the new set would make cooking easier for you even though you don’t like to cook?

For example I prefer cooking noodles to cooking rice but I do like having an easy to use rice cooker because it makes cooking rice easier so my husband looked out for a deal on the models I shortlisted.

 

I would tell my husband what I want though like him buying me a nice dress watch which I would likely wear a few times a year. My husband rather I tell him than have me annoyed over him getting me yet another handbag or coat.

[Jenn in FL]

Well, I like nice cookware as a gift and if asked, do request it. But in your situation, I would tell him you discovered the gift by accident and it is not something you want. Then, give him some ideas. I hope he takes your suggestions well.

 

 

IME, this advice is spot on!  There was a similar thread recently (Carol in Cal.'s funny purse "what if") where folks were discussing how to handle this issue. Maybe one of our "Super Searchers" will graciously link it...

 

Some people simply do not possess the imagination gene. I am blissfully (and woefully) married to one of these types.  :laugh:  Even a specific list is risky, so we now play a game where I select my own presents and everyone wins! It works for us which is all that matters in this situation.

 

If you do not want the pots and pans, tell him before Christmas and offer up some desirable alternatives.  Your happiness matters.

 

ETA: To correct Carol's screen name.

Edited November 28, 2017 by Jenn in FL

[Word Nerd]

We've been married many years -- we have grandkids -- so I feel as if he should have figured this out by now.  It's not the first time something like this has happened.  

 

Have you ever told him how you feel about it when it's happened before? 

[gardenmom5]

we don't have any grandkids - but have certainly been married long enough to have quite a few - had our daughters married early and started young.  (dudeling was born the year 1dd graduated from college.)

 

the 2nd present dh ever gave me (the first was before we even dated.  it was a book.) - was a stock pot.  dh doens't "do" romantic gifts.    and the last time he tried to do a surprise "romantic" - it was tickets to phantom.  he thinks it's really romantic, the heroine had two guys who want her.    . . uh, one is worse than a stalker.  I hate phantom.  (I was glad I found them first, so I "was warned".) honestly - the man is totally clueless, but I love him anyway.

 

I pretty much plan on what I want for christmas - and what he does is irrelevant.  yeah, it would be nice if he was more with it, but . .   it's saved my sanity many times.   this year - I ordered 23&me (my ND can run the raw data through her own program), and ancestrydna.  (he told me to go ahead and order both on the black friday deals.)

 

eta: much as I would love surprises . . . It is much more useful for me to give him ideas from which he can choose.  and he's not a good shopper, I tend to find the deals . . . . )

Edited November 28, 2017 by gardenmom5

[fraidycat]

I would tell him about your accidental discovery, and also remind him that you don’t like cooking and it’s not because of the pots & pans, then request that he return them while he still has time to get something else if he chooses (give him ideas), but no gift is fine too - better than one that causes resentment.

 

I’m not a romantic by any traditional definition, though. So take my advice with a grain (or pound) of salt. This would work with my DH because he knows *me* and my direct-ness, and lack of a romantic bone in my body. :D

[gardenmom5]

Personally, I prefer practical gifts and not frivolous stuff like jewelry, etc. Give me something that I'll actually USE rather than something decorative. Took me a while, but I've finally trained him.

 

In the OP's shoes, I would thank him for thinking of me but let him know that I'd be returning it for something else so he should cancel the order before it ships if possible.

 

2dd is working on training her dh.  his mother - wanted jewelry.   dd told him she didn't want an engagement ring (it's nice) . . . . . they were married before he realized she *really* meant it!   ('why didn't you tell me?"  "uh, I *did*.")  she wears it anyway.   he wanted to buy her diamond earrings to go with it, instead of the cubic zirconias she wears.  "I'd rather have a viola".  so, he's learning.

 

and I agree, if she doesn't want the cookware, tell him to cancel it. and work on something together.

 

though,  if it's really good cookware . . . it can make cooking more pleasant.  (after dealing with GOOD knives, and GOOD cookware - there is definitely a difference.)

I recall the woman whose dh went to japan on business, and brought her back . . . laundry detergent.  I think it was their version of oxyclean before it arrived in the US.  she wasn't happy with the gift. . . . after she used it, she wanted to know where she could get more.

Edited November 28, 2017 by gardenmom5

[SparklyUnicorn]

FWIW, seems a lot of spouses flunk in the gift giving dept.  Just last week I was listening to a group of women complain about exactly the same thing.  That their spouse gave them something they viewed as functional/practical and not as a REAL gift.  And I can see that angle.  But then none of them ever speak up either.  So how would their spouse know? 

[solascriptura]

My dh is horrible at knowing what to get me. I’ve decided that he isn’t going to change. I love the man and I can’t change him in this way. Instead of being disappointed over and over again, I buy what I like as gifts for myself. He is the breadwinner in the house and he has never been cheap or stingy with me. He gladly pays for what I get for myself and now we are both happy with this compromise.

[Prairie~Phlox]

My dh's gifts are not gift giving, buy he shows me how important I am in many other ways, we have to sometimes take their gift giving with a grain of salt.

[fraidycat]

FWIW, seems a lot of spouses flunk in the gift giving dept. Just last week I was listening to a group of women complain about exactly the same thing. That their spouse gave them something they viewed as functional/practical and not as a REAL gift. And I can see that angle. But then none of them ever speak up either. So how would their spouse know?

:iagree:

 

Because some of those “fail†gifts would probably be a “win†with me. Normal “win†gifts, like jewelry, flowers, etc. are a total flop with me. But, I’ve made this *very clear* to my DH and family over the years. If I ask for a printer, vacuum, saw, book - it’s because that is what I really want and will use, it will make my life simpler, AND I will be grateful to to gifter each time I use the gift, making it a win many times after the day I received the gift.

 

I don’t like cooking, but I have to do it, and I’m still grateful to my DH and parents for going together to get me a Kitchenaid mixer several years ago because it makes my life simpler. But, like the OP, I probably wouldn’t appreciate pots and pans because I have some and they wouldn’t enhance my experience in the kitchen enough, unless I wanted a specific pan for something.

[Melissa in Australia]

I would be pleased with any gift, even saucepans ............................................ Sigh!

[Jenn in FL]

I would be pleased with any gift, even saucepans ............................................ Sigh!

 

 

I've read many of your posts.

 

YOU are an amazing woman!

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Word Nerd]

FWIW, seems a lot of spouses flunk in the gift giving dept. Just last week I was listening to a group of women complain about exactly the same thing. That their spouse gave them something they viewed as functional/practical and not as a REAL gift. And I can see that angle. But then none of them ever speak up either. So how would their spouse know?

This is what frustrates me most about these discussions. Never telling him your preferences and expecting him to “just know†by now or read your mind is not reasonable—yet that seems to be how many women view gift giving.

[Reefgazer]

LOL!  This is the best thing I've heard all day!

 

Personally, I like practical gifts, so pots and pans would be A-OK with me.  Ugh, I'm so uninteresting.  One year I had to beg DH for a set of fry pans I wanted for Christmas, but he wouldn't get them as a gift.  he did just go out and buy them outright before Christmas, though, so I got them.

 

Why don't you get him a pretty bracelet?  If he hates it, you can trade him.  HAHA

 

Edited November 29, 2017 by reefgazer

[Reefgazer]

I sort of get what the OP is saying, even though I like practical gifts.  I don't think she is expecting her DH to be a mind-reader as to what she wants, but I think she is expecting that he has the general knowledge to know that household appliances are unacceptable to her.  That's not an unreasonable expectation, and doesn't rise to the level of mind-reading, IMO.

This is what frustrates me most about these discussions. Never telling him your preferences and expecting him to “just know†by now or read your mind is not reasonable—yet that seems to be how many women view gift giving.

 

[Junie]

I just put a whole lot of things that I like in the amazon cart for later.  I told dh that they were there if he didn't know what to get me.  I have also been known to buy my own gifts when I'm out Black Friday shopping.  :)  It works for us.

[cintinative]

The funny thing is--I would love the pots and pans. I am very practical. LOL. Sweet and romantic is not very me.

Edited November 29, 2017 by cintinative

[Squawky Acres]

Oh that's so interesting.  I had never thought of items as "household contributions" vs. gifts.  I hope my husband hasn't been finding my useful gifts to him to be unromantic.  Yikes!  I have happily accepted All-Clad and Staub cookware as beautiful and extravagant gifts.  That seems very romantic to me.  But regular pans . . . maybe not so much.  I think the key may be whether it is something you would think nothing of just picking up for yourself if you needed it.

 

What about not mentioning your discovery, and then telling him about something reasonably-priced but romantic that you would really like to have for Christmas?  That way he could still give you the pans which he thinks you need, and which might be very useful to have -- and he can also go pick up the something extra that is romantic.  And then next year, tell him what you would like earlier.

[Carol in Cal.]

I am going to totally brag on my husband now.  Fair warning!

 

Early in our marriage he bought me a briefcase for Christmas.  It wasn't even leather; it was a practical and almost trucking accident proof American Tourister.  I had never owned a briefcase, and I WAS a woman engineer who wore suits every day, so I guess he thought I should have one.  I was devastated with disappointment when I opened it, but I said thank you because I am polite like that.  Then he said, Well, aren't you going to open it?  So I did, and inside was um some very nice and private silk stuff.  I was no longer disappointed, LOL, especially after he explained that this is how he sees me--all business on the outside, and then, not so much in private.  Well OK!  You can surprise me ANYTIME! 

[HS Mom in NC]

I like practical gifts and I'm not especially romantic or sentimental, but it's never been a problem because I tell him what to get me or I buy what I want and tell him what he got me.  I think the only people who should expect someone to read their minds are infants, toddlers, and those unable to articulate their desires. I don't read minds and I don't expect others to either.

[samba]

I'm a kitchen gadget junkie. I don't want flowers, perfume, jewelry, etc. I'd like clothing but I know dh can't pick out what I want or need. One year I got a mixer, another year the Instant Pot. I've asked for a mortar/pestle, ladles. This year I thought about an air fryer or a steam cleaner.

 

I love getting practical gifts that serve me in our home because that's where I spend most of my time. It's where I've invested my life.

 

The difference with the OP, though, is that she does not appreciate those types of gifts and her husband should probably know that by now.

Edited November 29, 2017 by samba

[Jenn in FL]

I am going to totally brag on my husband now.  Fair warning!

 

Early in our marriage he bought me a briefcase for Christmas.  It wasn't even leather; it was a practical and almost trucking accident proof American Tourister.  I had never owned a briefcase, and I WAS a woman engineer who wore suits every day, so I guess he thought I should have one.  I was devastated with disappointment when I opened it, but I said thank you because I am polite like that.  Then he said, Well, aren't you going to open it?  So I did, and inside was um some very nice and private silk stuff.  I was no longer disappointed, LOL, especially after he explained that this is how he sees me--all business on the outside, and then, not so much in private.  Well OK!  You can surprise me ANYTIME! 

 

Too cute for words!

 

:lol:  re: trucking accident proof American Tourister.

 

Carol's husband for the WIN!

[Liz CA]

Why don't you get him a pretty bracelet?  If he hates it, you can trade him.  HAHA

 

This. Let us know how it goes.  :)

[Garga]

We've been married many years -- we have grandkids -- so I feel as if he should have figured this out by now. It's not the first time something like this has happened. What should I do? Should I tell him, or just accept the gift graciously and remember that it's the thought that counts?

If it's not the first time this has happened, how did you handle it in the past? Accept the gift graciously or tell him?

 

This time around, just tell him. BUT. Consider carefully whether those pots and pans are actually something nice that you'd like to have if you weren't feeling emotional about it. If you cook a lot, it IS a thoughtful gift to get you decent cookware.

 

Of course, if you hate practical gifts, then I can see why you don't agree that it's thoughtful. But back to my first question--what exactly has happened in the past? What did he get you that you didn't like in the past? Did you tell him then--clearly, and not passive aggressively or being coy about it? Did you tell him decisively?

 

You may very well have told him straight up, "I do NOT want practical gifts! Especially kitchen items!"

 

If that's the case, then definitely tell him to give the pots back.

 

If you have never told him in the past...well, I guess my advice is actually the same. Just tell him. But you can't feel indignant about it if this is the first time you'll tell him, decisively, but kindly, that you do not want practical gifts, especially kitchen items.

 

And I wouldn't assume that the gift isn't thoughtful. He may be thinking that he's helping you with a daily (thrice daily!) task to make it easier and more enjoyable so that you don't hate it as much. It's actually really nice for him to pick the one thing you hate and try to make it better for you so you're not stuck feeling unhappy 3 times a day while you're cooking.

Edited November 29, 2017 by Garga

[Carol in Cal.]

I love to cook, but I consider pots and pans to be something that WE would buy for OUR family home.  Not a gift for ME.

OP, you have my full sympathy.  Go buy yourself some nice ruby earrings and smile.  

[Sandwalker]

I'm dying to know what kind of cookware he got you. There were some great early sales on amazon for the ceramic coated safe nonstick. (I like practical gifts, too :))

[meganrussell]

I have never been disappointed with a gift my husband got me. I am always thankful that he thought of me, took the time to buy me something and wrap it, and no matter what it is - kitchen towels, an entertainment center, thermals - I am always so excited to open the gift and see what he thinks I need or want. His gifts have evolved over the years but I would never express disappointment in a gift or suggest he send something back and get me something "better".

[Lanny]

OP my wife would not consider anything we purchase for the Kitchen or Laundry room, where she works for the family, to be presents for her either.    Pots and pans for your Christmas gift? No...

 

Tell him what you would like to receive. My wife astonished my DD and me a year or 2 ago, with what she wanted for her birthday. In a million years, she wouldn't have received that from us, had she not told us exactly what she wanted.  (She's a "Gamer" and it had to do with that).  

[Zinnia]

Under no circumstances would I consider a washer a personal gift because laundry is not my personal hobby.

This is how my mom feels, too. I try to remember that when I am shopping for her.

 

For me, I like anything that could improve my life, so I am fine with appliances and the like. No different than if I bought dh a new suitcase for Christmas, even though the reason he needs one is work travel. It will improve his life. That's what I am thinking when I pick it out.

Edited November 29, 2017 by Zinnia

[J-rap]

I guess I wouldn't think of it as a big deal really, unless we specifically had discussed how to do gift-giving over the years, our particular expectations of it, and so forth.  I do think it's a little unfair to silently think he owes you a romantic gift now because of something else that happened.  People do gift-giving in many different ways.

 

But, if you really want him to do it differently, you should talk about it and give him direction.  If you don't need the dishes, let him know.  Or go shopping with him and point out the pair of earrings that you really hope to get for Christmas.   :)  And next year, discuss it early, and start pointing out things long before he has a chance to pick out something himself. 

 

We do a mix of gifts here...  sometimes it's more personal and "romantic," and other times it's just practical -- but with the hope that it will make the other person's life easier.

 

[mom@shiloh]

Thanks for your replies.  I'm really not a typical "romantic" gift kind of person either.  What I would consider romantic is if he actually listened to my requests!  No, I don't expect him to read my mind, but I do expect him to pick up on the fact that I've asked him about five times if he might be able to fix the broken steps.  I've also mentioned several times that I would love horse manure for the garden. To me that would be the ultimate romantic gift. Listening, and then investing time into something that I've asked for.  I can tell him exactly what I want and even make a list, but he'll go ahead and get something else anyway.  Sigh.  I think he means it to be thoughtful, but it isn't.  And, I'm lousy at gift-giving so I really shouldn't complain, but I usually ask people directly to tell me EXACTLY what they want!  

[mom@shiloh]

I guess I wouldn't think of it as a big deal really, unless we specifically had discussed how to do gift-giving over the years, our particular expectations of it, and so forth.  I do think it's a little unfair to silently think he owes you a romantic gift now because of something else that happened.  People do gift-giving in many different ways.

 

But, if you really want him to do it differently, you should talk about it and give him direction.  If you don't need the dishes, let him know.  Or go shopping with him and point out the pair of earrings that you really hope to get for Christmas.   :)  And next year, discuss it early, and start pointing out things long before he has a chance to pick out something himself. 

 

We do a mix of gifts here...  sometimes it's more personal and "romantic," and other times it's just practical -- but with the hope that it will make the other person's life easier.

 

Oh, I know it's unfair of me to think he "owes" me a romantic gift now because of something else that happened.  It's just a little extra disheartening at this point because of that.

[SparklyUnicorn]

yeah washer as a gift would land DH in the dog house

 

I like practical, but that's just ugh.

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

The ultimate romantic gift in my mind would be DH doing the dishes.  No joke.  You want to get me in the mood?  Do the dang dishes.  If he cleaned the entire house I'd worship the ground he walked on. 

 

:lol:

[Garga]

Thanks for your replies. I'm really not a typical "romantic" gift kind of person either. What I would consider romantic is if he actually listened to my requests! No, I don't expect him to read my mind, but I do expect him to pick up on the fact that I've asked him about five times if he might be able to fix the broken steps. I've also mentioned several times that I would love horse manure for the garden. To me that would be the ultimate romantic gift. Listening, and then investing time into something that I've asked for. I can tell him exactly what I want and even make a list, but he'll go ahead and get something else anyway. Sigh. I think he means it to be thoughtful, but it isn't. And, I'm lousy at gift-giving so I really shouldn't complain, but I usually ask people directly to tell me EXACTLY what they want!

:)

 

He got you pots and pans, but you want him to get you something more romantic...like horse poo.

 

This made me laugh this morning. :).

 

I do understand your point--the romantic gesture would be giving you what you want, but I did have to chuckle since what you want is horse poo. :)

[Garga]

He's probably thinking, "I'm already in the doghouse. If I show up on Christmas morning with a bag of poo to hand to my wife, I'll really be in trouble!"

[Garga]

I'm seriously going to use this story as a lesson to my sons for when they get married: never, ever assume that you know what your wife wants for Christmas! Remember the horse poo lady? All she wanted for Christmas was romantic horse poo, but her dh gave her pots and pans.

 

OP--I'm not making cruel fun of you, but I honestly never saw the poo coming as the romantic gift you were hoping for. I burst into delighted laughter when I read that you wanted some for your garden. This was an awesome thread to wake up to today. I love it!

[bethben]

I asked for a new kitchen sink for 2-3 years (it had stains I couldn’t get out and it visually drove me nuts) for every holiday including Valentine’s Day. I’m not too sentimental and DH didn’t get the pretty obvious ask for a long time. He is the one that feels like gifts should be more personal so a new sink didn’t fit into his mindset.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[school17777]

How ironic because Dh asked me what I want for Xmas and I decided to ask for an All Clad sauté pan! Although I haven’t been using pots and pans too often since getting an Instant Pot.

 

Hope you are able to talk with him about so neither of you are disappointed on Christmas morning.

[bethben]

How ironic because Dh asked me what I want for Xmas and I decided to ask for an All Clad sauté pan! Although I haven’t been using pots and pans too often since getting an Instant Pot.

 

Hope you are able to talk with him about so neither of you are disappointed on Christmas morning.

  

All Clad Essential pan for me this Christmas.  Again - practical, which I like.  I have one All Clad pot which I love.  My current set of pots and pans is going downhill and are getting annoying so anything to make my life less annoying wins.

[ErinE]

This is what frustrates me most about these discussions. Never telling him your preferences and expecting him to “just know†by now or read your mind is not reasonable—yet that seems to be how many women view gift giving.

It’s not just women...