Life changes quickly

[Mom25girls]

I'm so very sorry. :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Janeway]

Very sorry (((hugs)))

 

Honestly, I have never known anyone to get anywhere with marriage counseling. It seems like adding another person to the dynamic can just anger or cause slighted feelings. Like the feeling of one telling on the other, or each trying to tell on the other. 

 

For use, marriage counseling failed. But then I went alone after that. And our marriage only got better after I went alone and worked on my own approach to things. I am not saying I was in the wrong and he was in the right. I am saying my approach to problems changed. My husband was definitely doing wrong things. But the "tell on him" or "just complain" method was not working. That was my issue, but does not mean it would be yours. Of course, there seems to be 10 bad counselors out there for every good one. So I lucked out that time.

 

Maybe you could talk to him and tell him to please postpone the divorce and let you two work on things for a while, sans outsiders. Just the two of you.

 

Also, through the years, I have read various books that have helped. Believe it or not, there was a book by Laura Schlessinger that helped me to understand my husband's needs. There is another thing, a movie called "Fire Proof." Sometimes, focusing on what you can do for the other person, while maintaining healthy boundaries, is far more productive than focusing on what the other guy hasn't done for you. 

Edited August 27, 2017 by Janeway

[lmrich]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Teachaheart]

:grouphug:

[kewb]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Take Carol and Catwoman's advice. They are spot on.

Clearly, your dh had this in the works and that sucks but now, in front of him, you need to come across as the calm and rational one.

I will add, and it sounds horrible, but, do not vent or say anything negative about your spouse to friends or coworkers. You never know what will come back and bite you in the rear and discretion is key here.

[BlessedMom]

:grouphug: :grouphug:  I am so sorry! My heart aches for you. My thoughts and prayers will be with you. :grouphug: :grouphug: 

[EMS83]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

:grouphug:   I'm sorry.

[Rachel]

I'm so sorry!

[Cinder]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Jaybee]

I'm so sorry.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Alicia64]

Try your best to take one step at a time -- don't let your imagination run wild. Things can change so fast that you need to deal with each day at a time.

 

I cannot tell you how sorry I am. You will get through this.

 

Please stay in touch so we know how you're doing.

 

Alley

[Greta]

I'm so sorry. :grouphug:

[jrn]

Well he's not too far ahead of me. The divorce papers are just a generic check here, filled out in his own handwriting. So no lawyer yet, and since money is so important to him I doubt he has hired one yet. I don't know where he is living, he packed and left. Fortunately I got the house key from him, so he can't come and go as he pleases. 

Today I see my therapist and hope to come up with a plan.

[QueenCat]

Well he's not too far ahead of me. The divorce papers are just a generic check here, filled out in his own handwriting. So no lawyer yet, and since money is so important to him I doubt he has hired one yet. I don't know where he is living, he packed and left. Fortunately I got the house key from him, so he can't come and go as he pleases. 

Today I see my therapist and hope to come up with a plan.

 

I would assume he's made another copy of the key. Change your locks. Today. He may decide he didn't take enough of the financial records and try to come back in when you aren't home.

[gardenmom5]

I would assume he's made another copy of the key. Change your locks. Today. He may decide he didn't take enough of the financial records and try to come back in when you aren't home.

 

this.  that was my first thought.  he's deceitful enough to agree to counseling while drawing up divorce papers.   giving you the key may be to lull you into a false sense of security.  assume he has a key.  change all door locks - including the door into the garage.  (you could check on replacing locks - or just having a locksmith come and change the tumblers.

 

change the codes on your garage door too.  and always lock the door from the garage into the house so he can't just walk in that way.

 

as others have said - get copies of all financial records, check any safe deposit box - make sure you have the key.  be mindful there may be stuff you don't know about.  he might also have a POBox someplace where he can have his own mail directed - including bank statements.  check with your bank about all accounts you know about to make sure all statements are coming to your house.  sometimes it pays to be paranoid.

 

My great-aunt's 2nd husband was much younger than her.  he hid a lot of stuff from her - he also died before she did and she only learned about stuff when she started getting statements from the bank in the mail.

 

I'd put my money on he's living with a girlfriend.  and he could change your bank statements to go there. 

[Home'scool]

I know it is hard to read the advice that tells you to "change the locks" or "copy all financials" because you are probably just having trouble staying upright and breathing right now.

 

It is also is hard to hear that you can no longer trust your husband. Things would be so much easier if you could ..... but you need to assume you cannot.

 

I made the mistake of being trustful for too long. I really, really hoped we could have an amicable divorce, but that is not to be.

 

Do try to do all the things that everyone here is suggesting. Enlist a friend to help you for moral support. 

 

Be kind to yourself. This is like a death and you need time to grieve, but it is also a time to set yourself up for the road ahead. 

 

It gets easier. It is a long road, but it does get easier.

 

My thoughts are with you.

 

 

[ashfern]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Minerva]

:grouphug:

 

 

[Vintage81]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Heatherwith4]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[displace]

(Hugs)

[PrincessMommy]

Thinking of you today and praying.  Hugs.

[rainbowmama]

So sorry

[TravelingChris]

I am so sorry but please take the steps that some of the posters said about the financial papers and the keys.  He obviously has been deceitful and if he is like you said, and doesn't like to spend money on things like lawyers, it is even more likely that as he is doing things himself and wants the money, he is hiding assets or accounts.  Get a good experienced divorce lawyer,

[myfunnybunch]

I am so sorry. What a shock. :(

[AnnE-girl]

I'm so sorry. Please take the advice given above, and also start calling lawyers for consults immediately. Don't wait until after the holiday weekend.

[BlessedMom]

Praying for you!

[jrn]

Thanks all :001_wub:   I have changed the locks and consulted with a lawyer (didn't like her)  I have been in contact with the local PAVE organization and will be scheduling an appointment hopefully next week, and I have another lead for a lawyer too.

I packed some of his stuff and put it in the garage, he picked it up yesterday. My girls have enjoyed the rearranging of the furniture to make it less him and more us. 

I am still in shock, but my therapist gave me a good plan to work on.

[Catwoman]

Thank you for the update -- it sounds like you are being very sensible, and that's a hard thing to manage under such difficult circumstances! :hurray:

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[elegantlion]

Just as one of those "I made it through the tunnel posts," I remember I literally shook from nerves for at least the first six weeks of my separation. The separation was my choice and due to the circumstances of why I made that decision, he couldn't do much about it (being vague on purpose). Anyway, I would suggest finding your support system, real and online, even a few people who are totally detached from the situation who can just listen and agree if nothing else. 

 

I also started a little journal, it was passport sized because I wanted to carry it with me everywhere. I wrote out my true feelings and things that needed to be accomplished. I still have it and look at it every once in a while to help me feel better. 

 

There were many days that the only reason I did anything productive was because ds was watching. I refused to allow his father be the one that broke me completely. The situation sucked, but I come from a long line of stubborn women who get things done and I clung to that for a while. 

 

It does get better eventually.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[quark]

.

 

Edited September 2, 2017 by quark

[Guest]

Just as one of those "I made it through the tunnel posts," I remember I literally shook from nerves for at least the first six weeks of my separation. The separation was my choice and due to the circumstances of why I made that decision, he couldn't do much about it (being vague on purpose). Anyway, I would suggest finding your support system, real and online, even a few people who are totally detached from the situation who can just listen and agree if nothing else. 

 

I also started a little journal, it was passport sized because I wanted to carry it with me everywhere. I wrote out my true feelings and things that needed to be accomplished. I still have it and look at it every once in a while to help me feel better. 

 

There were many days that the only reason I did anything productive was because ds was watching. I refused to allow his father be the one that broke me completely. The situation sucked, but I come from a long line of stubborn women who get things done and I clung to that for a while. 

 

It does get better eventually.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I had a little journal like this about a life-change I went through (not marital) and it ended up being a little book called "And ANOTHER Thing..."  

 

Writing helps.

[gardenmom5]

one pp mentioned things he's paying for . . . 

during my brother's divorce (he's a serious jerk, but she's unstable, drama queen, and manipulative.  I've seen both up close.)  - his ex was ordered to make the house payments before their divorce was final and final distribution was made.  she was living in the house - but still didn't make them.  (she is a teacher - the courts determined her income plenty adequate.)

 

so, be paranoid, and know just because he says something, or even agrees to something within the frame of a court - do not believe anything until you see him actually doing it.