What age range do you consider ideal for DC's marriage?

[wintermom]

In the ideal world, for any gender, I believe that it's great to have completed a post-secondary degree or certificate and have been independently living and working for a year or more. Having done some travel, if that's of interest.

 

The reasons are that entering into a marriage partnership requires two mature individuals who are both able to contribute financially, mentally, and socially to the relationship. I think having the time before marriage to pursue more goals related to self is far better than trying to do this when part of a co-dependent situation. And when children come into the situation it's that much harder to focus on one's self when you are responsible for the welfare of others. 

 

 

[MEmama]

Ha, same thing happened to us. I was 21 and dh was 23 when we got married. Everyone in dh's family starts having babies right after getting married and they expected us to do the same. My MIL was flabbergasted when I said we were going to wait. She said, "You mean you're going to wait until next year to have one?" Nope, not next year...

 

We ended up waiting eight years to have our first, and by then dh's family were all convinced that we must have fertility problems and would never have kids. :rolleyes:

8 years for us too. I'm sure everyone had given up on us. Lol

[Amber in SJ]

In my mind there's a difference between ready to get married and ready to have kids.  I got married almost immediately after  my 20th birthday, to the person I had been dating since I was 16.  I had been living in my own apartment with roommates, going to college, with my own job and paying all my own bills for two years.  DH was the same only a year longer.

 

We didn't have our first child until 4 years later when we had both completed our undergraduate degrees and we had our professional jobs.

 

That time in-between was important for us to be together as a unit before we had kids.

 

I don't know that I would have completed my degree if I hadn't married DH when I did.  It was such a grind because I was working so hard paying for everything myself, and I was so far from home.  Once we got married we were the support system for each other.  Dh might not have finished either because his senior year he was laid off of from his job at the grocery store and for that year I worked full time + overtime so he could focus on his senior project.  His project was so impressive it led directly to his first job as a professional engineer.  

 

My dd got married a year ago at 21.  She had been dating her DH for a year.  Next Spring both of them will be graduating from University, and there are no plans to have kids right away.

 

As for the supporting our married children...

 

We have what we call the family university plan.  We pay for everything the first year.  We pay for tuition & fees the second year and they pay for everything else.  After that, they are responsible for their education.  Do I wish we could pay for everything?  Of course.  Does it mean they might end up with educational debt?  Yes, but hopefully less than if they needed it for all four years.  We pay for random things like keeping them on our health insurance, phone plan, car insurance and Netflix, and I send them a Prime Pantry box of stuff every month.  We still have our married daughter on our health insurance & phone plan because she doesn't get insurance at either of her jobs she is working at right now.

 

Amber in SJ

[regentrude]

In my mind there's a difference between ready to get married and ready to have kids

 

Most definitely. 

Being ready to live in a committed relatioship with an adult partner is not the same as being in a position (professionally, financially, location wise) to have children. Two completely different things!

 

Two of the happiest years of our marriage were spent in a long distance relationship with 1,000 miles between us. We worked hard for ten days and then spent four days together. It was a fantastic time for us as a couple. It would not have been conducive to raising children.

Edited July 18, 2017 by regentrude

[Carrie12345]

In my mind there's a difference between ready to get married and ready to have kids.  

 

 

Mine, too.  Ds was born when I was 21. I didn't meet dh until I was almost 23.  ;)

[Guest]

Interesting how you define playing house. Your 20 DD is in a long term relationship and you have mentioned before you assume they sleep together and stay at each other's places while at college. And you are footing her bills completely. So I am not clear why getting married and you ( collective You) only paying for the college would be seen as playing house more than what she is doing now.

Because I view getting married and having babies as being an independant adult, not having a s3xual relationship. She isn't playing house now because she's not living with him, buying furniture, getting a dog and deciding whether to be in the suburbs or the city while I'm paying for college.

 

I know some people definitely don't see it this way, but I don't think having a s3xual relationship is the zenith of interacting with another person. My goals for my kids in that area are that they are 1) not indiscriminate about it and 2) not very young and 3) very conscious of possible outcomes. But honestly, I would much rather they get married later having had one or more s3xual relationships than get married young because it's too hard to wait. Marriage is a bigger deal to me than having had s3x.

 

ETA: it was really bugging me the way I mispelled suburbs.

Edited July 18, 2017 by Quill

[ktgrok]

 

 

Secondly, I lived by myself in an apartment. I paid my own bills. I spent money on whatever I wanted. I traveled whenever I wanted (within the confines of working, of course). I slept in. I ate fast food when I didn't want to cook. I went out drinking on a lot of weekends because I could. I grew particular in my ways. I lived alone with no one making any demands on my time. I basically cared for no one except myself. And sometimes when I'm waist deep in kids needing me I think, oh to be young and carefree again.  But it didn't prepare me at all for living with a spouse or kids. I didn't spend the time developing a habit of selflessness or thinking of others. The life I lived (and was taught is what is "necessary" to do before getting married) is antithetical to all of my values about what is important, true, and good now. Basically, I did nothing very little of value to better myself during that time. I'm sure a more disciplined person could make more of life as a single, but I was not that person. In other words, I've spent more than a decade trying to undo the habits and lifestyle I ingrained in myself during those formative years. And it made the first years of marriage considerably harder, and even still makes marriage a bit harder to this day.

 

So, kind of linked in with that, I also think it depends a lot on how one views hardships and struggles (financial and otherwise). I honestly wish those struggles with my husband were my formative experiences rather than single life. I'm trying very hard not to romanticize that because I know it would have been a very difficult time for us if we'd married when I was 20.

 

 

 

This was interesting and I think I agree. I was married young, and although that marriage didn't last, it wasn't about age. It was about me being an enabler. But anyway, I think marriage and childbearing and such were just so much easier at that age, in my young twenties. Putting that "able to stay up all night and still be chipper the next day" energy into raising a colicky baby instead of partying all night was good I think. I did have a chance after my divorce to live the carefree life a bit, (when DS was at my ex's house on the weekends) and honestly, it wasn't a good thing really. I mean, I did it, got it out of my system, but bleach.  I think a year or two of that in college is more than enough, if you want it. By the time you graduate college I expect you should be ready for adult behavior, and that includes marriage, if you meet the right person and want it. And yeah, easier if there aren't single person habits ingrained too deeply.

[Joker]

I don't have an ideal age in mind. I was 21 and dh was 25 when we married (after knowing each other a whopping 4 months!). He had already been through college and was then in the military. I was working and had lived on my own since 19.

 

For me, I just want them to find the right person. Dc are now almost 18 and 15. Oldest has a gf but has vocalized it will probably end when he goes away to college. Neither are interested in anything too serious now and have talked about not getting serious until after college (for oldest that includes grad school). We'll see if that happens and I am fine either way as long as they are happy and find the right person. 

 

Dh and I also had kids right away. Ds was born 18 months after we were married. We're happy with how we did things because we're both in our early 40s right now and both dc will be off to college before long. Dh and I have lots of plans for when we're empty nesters and are actually looking forward to it. 

[Pam in CT]

In my mind there's a difference between ready to get married and ready to have kids. 

 

Yes.  Most of what I think of as optimal launching conditions -- finishing education, establishing a stable financial position, developing maturity and insight -- can happen together as a married couple.  There were several married students in my fairly intense, set-up-so-you-only-could-do-it-fulltime graduate program who did just fine and had access to better housing, lol.

 

It's much harder with kids.  (Not impossible, but harder.)  So though I voted 26-30 for marriage, I guess what I really mean is that optimally my kids will have finished their educations and achieved a degree of financial and maturity stability before they start having kids.  That is, FWIW, also the norm within our extended family and social circle and socioeconomic group.

 

 

 

And while it is absolutely true there is increased probability of fertility issues with later childbearing, there is OTOH an increased probability of divorce with earlier marriage.    Everything's a tradeoff.  And In neither case are the odds, a certainty.

[Seasider]

This is a big part of my thinking, too...I wonder about parental financial support through college if one's kid is already married? I don't envision financially supporting my kids when they are married.

This one is really hard, particularly for a daughter (my apologies if that sounds sexist, it is what it is). I want my daughters to have training that can get them financially supporting jobs, should the need arise. I would not plan to pay for anything once my child is married, but if I sense she may need to finish out a degree or add some professional development in order to be financially independent, I'd try to make that happen. Not on a whim, but in a need. But it sure would be easier for the higher education to be completed before marriage in the first place.

 

I've told my sons the need to have a degree and a plan for the family's healthcare/insurance before being serious about marriage. Also, as many have said, babies can come along at any time. If you don't think you're ready for kids, maybe you're not ready for marriage, even the most responsible planners end up with happy accidents and honeymoon babies sometimes.

[MaeFlowers]

It depends. I had so many ideals of what married people were supposed to do, settle down, buy a house, etc...that marriage kind of changed who I was/thought I should be. I was 25 when I married ex. I know those expectations are mostly all on me, but that was the examples I had around me.

 

So I voted between 26-35. I want ds to have a good idea of who/what he is before getting married. I want him to find someone that he can merge his existing life into, not try to conform to what they think marriage actually is. I'd like him to travel more, as would he, before marriage. Because of his trajectory in life and personality, I can see him waiting until later in that range.

 

I am not opposed to him living with someone long term either in lieu of marriage or before marriage. My views on marriage are no longer traditional.

This is pretty much what happened to me. I think its why I voted 26-35, too.

 

I kind of cringe when I hear of a wedding before age 21. I definitely was not mature enough at 18 or 21. I think it varies as some kids strike out on their own much sooner than that. But, on the whole, I dont think it is an ideal age to get married. I wouldnt encourage it my dc and would probably use threats of cutting them off financially if I thought I could prevent it.

[regentrude]

 I did have a chance after my divorce to live the carefree life a bit, (when DS was at my ex's house on the weekends) and honestly, it wasn't a good thing really. I mean, I did it, got it out of my system, but bleach.  I think a year or two of that in college is more than enough, if you want it.

 

:confused1:  I think people have very different ideas what the "carefree life" entails.

 

For me, it meant rock climbing every weekend, camping out in the woods, backpacking trips, going to the theatre and concerts. It is nothing to get out of my system" or "blech", and two years in college would not be enough to fill up with nature and cultural experiences. I am embrancing that I now, as empty nester, can do some of this "carefree living" again. (Only it was so much easier physically in my 20s).

"Getting it out of my system" is a very odd way of looking at those wonderful experiences.

Edited July 18, 2017 by regentrude

[mommyoffive]

Assuming it was a good match, sooner rather than later.

 

I know most people these days don't agree, and it's all based on my experience and what I've seen in my life vis a vis my friends and how my values have changed over the years, but I wish I had spent my formative years of 19-22 as a married person rather than living on my own. Especially since my now husband and I were dating at the time and basically just waiting for when people would find it socially acceptable for us to get married (although there were other factors too).

 

I wish we had married sooner, had kids sooner...all those things that people tell you that you need to go out and "experience life" before you get "tied down."

 

So I don't have an age, but I wouldn't want my kids to delay in order to fulfill some kind of vision of having to do things as a single person first.

 

(My perspective only, not a commentary on your DD or her or anyone else's ideals)

 

 

I agree with this so much.  This is how I feel.  Dh and I were together at 18.  I wish for sure that we have gotten married at 22 or younger.   I am way more happy married and really together than I was not be married.   And dating was great, but being married is so much better.  

 

I wish we would have had kids earlier.  Maybe to have more.  Or just to be alive longer to see these ones grow.  

I did nothing of worth in that time.  

 

But there were people in my family who were very outspoken telling me not to marry young.  Telling me you shouldn't get married until you are 30 or 35.   Have one kid.  At 35 or so. 

 

I wasn't strong enough to just do what now I wished a million times I did.  

 

And hey if we going to go back and do life over I wish I wouldn't have spent much on our wedding either.  Saved all that money or traveled.  We didn't even go on a honeymoon. 

 

 

So for my kids, I would tell them get married younger if you have found  a good mate.  If you mature and working.   But don't marry anyone just to marry young.   Some things times you have a choice and sometimes not.  I know someone  that would love to be married years ago.  Have kids already.  But she just hasn't found the right person.   Now she is about 35.  

 

You don't get to plan life.   

[marbel]

:confused1:  I think people have very different ideas what the "carefree life" entails.

 

For me, it meant rock climbing every weekend, camping out in the woods, backpacking trips, going to the theatre and concerts. It is nothing to get out of my system" or "blech", and two years in college would not be enough to fill up with nature and cultural experiences. I am embrancing that I now, as empty nester, can do some of this "carefree living" again. (Only it was so much easier physically in my 20s).

"Getting it out of my system" is a very odd way of looking at those wonderful experiences.

 

Of course there are different forms of "carefree life" and people may choose to do things that ultimately they regret or are not happy about.  

 

For a period in my mid 20s, after I was divorced, I lived a "carefree life."  I worked, and during off times went out with friends a lot, dancing and drinking.  I met new people, many of whom I would not care to associate with now.   I did quite a few things I am not proud of now, frankly.  To that I say "blech" and am very happy to be out of that life.  There were some good times in there, that involved travel and other good experiences.   For that I am grateful.

 

Not sure why it would be hard to understand that different people have different experiences.  

Edited July 18, 2017 by marbel

[FaithManor]

Ideally, after college and first job with benefits has been secured because finances cause a lot of marital problems. Frontal lobes are n it culminated, for the most part, below twenty as well and since young marriage has equalled instability and high divorce rates in both of our extended families, we are not fans of it though Dh and I were 20 and 24 when we married. Of eleven cousins all married by age twenty two, I am the only one whose marriage worked, and my parent's who married straight out of high school were a disaster with mom having a pretty lucky life most of the time trying to stay with him.

 

So yeah...eldest ds who is 20.5 is dating VERY seriously, and I bite my tongue and smile a lot. He is in the five year honors program so he will graduate with his master's at twenty three, but they have no ability financially to make things work before then, but toss the marriage word around every once in a while which makes my brain twitch.

[Guest]

Just solidarity, Quill, because all of my friends' daughters seem to be married right now and one of my friends just had her 20th grandchild and I would feel silly showing her pictures of my grandcat and my grandcactus.

 

My own daughter just isn't going to get married. She's doing something different with her life. The other kids don't count in my strange mind because they're boys.

 

I'd never want them to see me boo hoo hooing over it but I'm bummed; I wannabe a gramma when I grow up and I can't! Nofe air! It was bad enough that I couldn't go to HAAAAAAAAAAAAAvuhd instead of the college I really went to but....

 

Oh. This is real life, not a creative writing assignment or a little girl's temper tantrum.

 

If I had the kind of DC who got married, age wouldn't even be on my radar as far as being genuinely happy or gritting my teeth, gripping something so tightly that my hands turned white, and saying, "Well, maybe you should discuss this with your father before you put down any deposits or do anything that can't be undone.Oh look--a pretty butterfly!"

 

I can honestly see where arranged marriages can turn out wonderfully and so can two senior citizens who are reunited at their nursing home at the age of 102 and go for it.

 

My parents' marriage looked like a match made in heaven on paper and so did my own and none of them lasted so what do I know?

 

Anyway, solidarity and another statistic for your poll, my twin sister from another mother. PM me any time you want to vent.

Edited July 18, 2017 by Guest

[Guest]

I'm raising only boys, so my response is probably going to be seen as backwards to some more progressive types, but here it is:

 

We have expressed our desire to our boys that they finish at least the bachelor degree and get that first job before marrying. They need to be in a position of supporting a wife and family before they consider being yoked to someone for the rest of their lives. As such, I expect the middle 20's to be the "ideal" time when all of that falls into place.

Edited July 18, 2017 by Kinsa

[TravelingChris]

My dh and I got married at 22 and 21.8 (he is younger but we were both born in the same year).  I had graduated college and he was in his senior year.  He was mostly getting through college with financial aid and working and that continued.  I had a job and we got married before he graduated because my mother who had ALS wasn't expected to live until his graduation.  Then after he graduated, we did live with his parents for about four months or a little less.  Even there, we had jobs and paid a bit of the expenses.  I think it would have been better for us to have gotten married a few years earlier, while in college- better financially and no difference otherwise.  We did become  even more mature over time but we were already serious people when we met when I was 19 and he was 18.8,  

 

I voted 23-25 but really I didn't object to my older dd marrying at 21.5.  Her husband is older.  We did help her finish college.  Oldest isn't married and is not in a relationship.  I would like for him to find someone nice and compatible but unlike many other people he meets, I am not setting him up with anyone or putting any pressure on him.  Youngest is a junior in college and would like to meet someone but hasn't done so yet.  Considering she is 20.5, I think she will be getting married later than her sister.  When my dd did get married, her husband had to quit his job right after the marriage,  (Company wanted him to be out of town 3 out of 4 weeks- they could have done that except for what the living conditions were- living in shared quarters with people who were getting drunk, doing drugs, watching porn, and he would have had no privacy with all of that).  He did get a position at his family's business even though he had not wanted to do that or even that kind of work.  

[Crimson Wife]

 While I don't have moral objections to living together without being married, I think they should be engaged before living with another person and have a plan to marry within the year. I've seen far too many women expecting marriage (it's overwhelmingly women) move in with a man only to discover many years later that the man had no real intention of making the relationship permanent. For women who wanted marriage and children, it's heartbreaking.

 

Exactly. My middle brother is guilty of this behavior. He strings these cohabiting GF's along until finally they get fed up and dump him when he won't commit. While there have been a couple that I'm glad he didn't marry, most of them I would've been thrilled to have a sister-in-law (including the current GF of 2+ years).

 

[rebcoola]

I said 23-25 but not sure that is really true.  3 out of the 5 sibling in my family got married the summer after graduating college and seems very common for the area. The thing us we were all already living with our future spouses and supporting ourselves.   So i'm not sure what waiting did except please our parents and sound more socially acceptable.   

[Crimson Wife]

age isn't in the equation.  it's when they meet the right person, and the time is right.  there can be so many things that go into that that have nothing to do with chronological age.

 

Yes and no. Someone who is courting/dating with the mindset of finding a future spouse is more likely to meet "the right person" than someone who is just recreationally dating. I didn't consciously set out to find a husband at 18, but I wasn't interested in casual hookups so that weeded out a LOT of guys. The characteristics I was looking for in a boyfriend were very different than if I had just been interested in "playing the field" before settling down at the "proper" age of 30 +/- a couple years.

 

[Murphy101]

Really? There's no difference in your mind if they are 18-19 and still in college/doing career training vs. they are 28 and one or both parties owns a home?

 

Fascinating.

Not who you are responding to, but for me... yes. Really.

 

I do not think any of that is a requirement or obstacle to marriage.

[Crimson Wife]

My reasons for linking having kids and getting married are that I think that having a committed partner is an ideal part of being ready to have kids.  It's certainly possible to do one without the other, but again, based on personal experience, it's better to have a committed partner in raising kids...than not. 

 

To my mind, if you don't have a committed partner, you're not ready to have tEa. Having kids is an even bigger commitment obviously, but if you're too immature to commit to a partner, you shouldn't be engaging in intimate activities that can result in creating a child (since even using multiple forms of contraception is not a 100% guarantee against pregnancy).

[Crimson Wife]

 

For me, it meant rock climbing every weekend, camping out in the woods, backpacking trips, going to the theatre and concerts.

 

Why would this be harder to do married vs. just cohabiting? I did those kinds of things (not rock climbing though) when DH and I were newlyweds. We used to go to Vegas all the time with our friends when he was stationed at an Army base about 3 hours away.

 

The big lifestyle cramper is having kids, not being married.

[ktgrok]

:confused1:  I think people have very different ideas what the "carefree life" entails.

 

For me, it meant rock climbing every weekend, camping out in the woods, backpacking trips, going to the theatre and concerts. It is nothing to get out of my system" or "blech", and two years in college would not be enough to fill up with nature and cultural experiences. I am embrancing that I now, as empty nester, can do some of this "carefree living" again. (Only it was so much easier physically in my 20s).

"Getting it out of my system" is a very odd way of looking at those wonderful experiences.

 

Those seem like things you could do jut as well while married though.

SaveSave

[FaithManor]

Why would this be harder to do married vs. just cohabiting? I did those kinds of things (not rock climbing though) when DH and I were newlyweds. We used to go to Vegas all the time with our friends when he was stationed at an Army base about 3 hours away.

 

The big lifestyle cramper is having kids, not being married.

Not really. My husband's career ended up dwarfing my life in a lot of ways. This was true of many of my friends.

 

Watching this go down with a niece right now. Do not know what it is about the male mind, but when they start living with a woman, their expectations tend to get rather high, and their desire to monopolize the female's time gets rather strong. I have seen this especially from younger males. So I think it is easier when your time is entirely your own, then when trying to juggle the relationship, his needs, his desires, and vice versus.

Edited July 18, 2017 by FaithManor

[luuknam]

I genuinely don't care. Well, I don't want any marriages happening before they're in their 20's, but I got married at 21 so I feel like a hypocrite being against that. 

 

Meh. If you'd been a heroine addict when you were 21, would you feel like a hypocrite to tell your kids to not do heroine?

 

I'm raising only boys, so my response is probably going to be seen as backwards to some more progressive types, but here it is:

 

 

I was actually quite surprised that it took until post 119 before someone said something like this (unless I missed something). Statistically, I think it's still true in most countries that men are a couple of years older than women when they marry for the first time. And, reproductively, it is easier to wait a little longer if you're male, so long as you end up marrying someone who is younger than you. 

 

I voted 23-25, and "age is not a primary consideration for me". There are just too many other factors involved. I got married at 20yo, for visa reasons, and I would've waited if it weren't for that... but I don't know if it would've made any real-life difference if USCIS hadn't made marriage the logical thing to do, so, I don't know - I would've moved in with my spouse, and for all I know things might have turned out exactly the same, except that we would maybe have waited until it became financially more appealing to be married for tax reasons (or if we felt a need to be married in case of health issues, what with the spouse automatically being the one who can visit the other in the hospital, and make decisions when the other person is in a coma, etc). So, practical stuff... (I don't think kids really matter... custody and child support issues are going to be a b*tch if you break up after having kids, regardless of whether you were married or not).

[SKL]

Whenever they find the right person.

[luuknam]

Whenever they find the right person.

 

 

So, at 16? (potentially)

Edited July 18, 2017 by luuknam

[QueenCat]

The financial support thing is funny. I'm not going to help them if they're living in an unhealthy fashion and frittering away funds or refusing to work - though by work, I mean work for money or in schooling. But I'll financially support them in various ways if we're able to as they get started in life - whether they marry or not. Our parents helped us out in various ways at points - by doing things like "selling" us their cars once they were ready to upgrade or by giving generous "Christmas gifts" that were clearly just checks to help us pay the bills when we were young and struggling. I respect that some people aren't willing to do those things for adult children ever, but it's just a separate kettle of fish from marriage in my mind.

 

I also have zero issue with "co-habitation", which is even just a funny term. If my kids want to co-habitate once they're legal adults, go forth and have at it. For the rest of your life if you like. I appreciate the institution of marriage, but they don't have to if they choose otherwise.

 

Well said, pretty much how we view things too. And how my parents did things for us, especially the selling of their cars to us for ridiculous prices (like $10 for a car valued at $6000).

[SKL]

I'm not sure why finances would make a difference, unless it is assumed that marriage = childbearing.  I would not assume that.  In today's world, I assume that sexual activity will not depend on marital status, nor will the use of birth control.  Course it is up to my kids to decide both of those.  :P

[SKL]

So, at 16? (potentially)

 

OK I was not thinking they would ask me to sign for them to get married before they could legally do it on their own.  But if they did, I would hear them out.  My mom was 17 and my folks are still married, so ... I would hear them out.

 

[Guest]

Why would this be harder to do married vs. just cohabiting? I did those kinds of things (not rock climbing though) when DH and I were newlyweds. We used to go to Vegas all the time with our friends when he was stationed at an Army base about 3 hours away.

 

The big lifestyle cramper is having kids, not being married.

Yeah, and people say this also about finishing college, getting post-grad degrees, etc.; "Well, you can still complete college married.." But, what I see many times over is that once married, if someone has to shelve their dreams and goals, it's going to be the female. If someone is going to relocate for the gravy job, it will be the guy with the girl tagging behind. If someone is going to give up pursuing a hobby because it is incompatible with childbearing, it will be the woman. And hey! She may happily give those things up because she wants to be premium wife and a devoted mother, but she may be quite sorry she was so quick to give those things up when she was young.

 

This is what I meant earlier when I said she may follow him all over the country while he puruses his goals. I have seen that happen many times and I am actively watching it happen with a friend's kid. Her son is not that invested in the young woman and has told her directly that he is not looking for marriage right now, but she keeps moving to where he moves to be handy. Even the mother of the guy says she's wasting her youth tagging along after her son. This is one thing I would be very, very bothered by if my daughter were doing that. I don't want my dd trotting around after a guy, thinking if he will just marry her, her life will be complete.

[Guest]

I'm raising only boys, so my response is probably going to be seen as backwards to some more progressive types, but here it is:

 

We have expressed our desire to our boys that they finish at least the bachelor degree and get that first job before marrying. They need to be in a position of supporting a wife and family before they consider being yoked to someone for the rest of their lives. As such, I expect the middle 20's to be the "ideal" time when all of that falls into place.

I think I'm pretty progressive on this measure, but I would say this, too. It's just that I feel this way about daughters, too. I want my daughter to be in a position to at least survive without a husband in case life turns out that way.

[73349]

I think the ideal would be 24-30ish. DH and I married slightly younger than that but are both mature/first-born/responsible/independent types (literally the first sentence ever to come out of my mouth was "Me do it myself."). And we still waited several years for a kid, wanting our financial house to be in order first and then not conceiving as quickly as expected for a couple still in their 20s.

 

I was set on finishing my degree before marrying, and I'm glad to have done that. (My mom didn't, and it worked out badly for her.) I prefer for either party to be able to leave a relationship safely if needed without having to ask someone else for emergency help, and to have some personal maturity and be good with boundaries--so definitely 18+, but a few more years is often helpful.

[Guest]

I'm not sure why finances would make a difference, unless it is assumed that marriage = childbearing. I would not assume that. In today's world, I assume that sexual activity will not depend on marital status, nor will the use of birth control. Course it is up to my kids to decide both of those. :P

Well, this is part of the reason I ask the other way. I'm on the "what's the hurry?" side of the equation. The flip side, of course is the, "why wait?" side. I personally think there are a lot of good reasons to wait and not a lot of good reasons to hurry. But of course, thinking people can see this differently.

[Wheres Toto]

I picked the 26-30 option, which ideally will mean finishing up college/graduate school and at least starting to establish a career.  DD is 23 and seems to agree with me at least so far.   :001_smile:   Although, I do think that there are other factors.  One person may be ready and established at 25, while another may still have a lot of growing up to do at 30.  

 

I married her dad when I was 21 (almost 22) and he was 28.  We had a lot of problems (wound up divorced) but I can see how many of them stemmed from being too young when we got married.  The age difference at that point was also more of a factor than the 13 year difference between dh and I when I was in my mid-30's.

 

ETA;  Part of this also comes from the fact that I was still trying to finish college when I got married.  Ex swore up and down that he would fully support me finishing, blah blah blah, and in fact it took the divorce and 14 years for it to actually happen.   It IS a lot harder to finish school once you are married and trying to support a household, and definitely once you have kids.

Edited July 18, 2017 by Where's Toto?

[Pam in CT]

I'm raising only boys, so my response is probably going to be seen as backwards to some more progressive types, but here it is:

 

We have expressed our desire to our boys that they finish at least the bachelor degree and get that first job before marrying. They need to be in a position of supporting a wife and family before they consider being yoked to someone for the rest of their lives. As such, I expect the middle 20's to be the "ideal" time when all of that falls into place.

 

 

:lol:

 

I've been a card carrying feminist since I was old enough to articulate the word, and... that's pretty much what I've expressed to my kids as well.  The daughters as well as the son, but the reasoning is to my mind the same -- get fully grown, and get your house in order, before bringing kids into the house.

[Laura Corin]

I prefer my kids get to know their prospective spouse really well before entering a legally binding agreement that is expensive to dissolve.

DH and I started dating when I was 18, our first year in college. Because of visa reasons, we married shortly before my 25th birthday, when we were close to finishing grad school - otherwise, we might have married even later.

One can be in a committed long term relationship without that piece of paper.

Yes. I met Husband when I was 25 and we married for visa reasons when I was 29. We just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary.

[Clemsondana]

I wonder if some of the disconnect between how people see this is how much they perceive people 'shelving their dream', as it was referred to above. When we started grad school, the dream was a 2-person academic couple. With that as the goal, we moved across the country post-grad. Then one day, 2 years into the postdoc, I came home and said 'I'm looking at the people around me and this isn't what I want my life to look like', and meanwhile he had the opportunity to go from a national lab job to an interesting industry job, and suddenly neither of us were pursuing the original dream. At one point he had to make a choice about jobs and location. Our life would be very different in the 2 places due to land/house costs. I sketched out what 'the dream' would look like in each place, said I could be happy with either although I had a preference, and asked what his job component of 'the dream' looked like in each place, since he needed to be happy, too.

 

From the outside, it looks like I've abandoned my dreams, I went from pursuing a research professorship to teaching at a community college to my current set-up of homeschooling, teaching at a co-op, and now also having an online class. But, doing research I hated the time demands of the job, the fact that I couldn't do the volunteer work that was so important to me, the fact that little time was spent with students, etc. These days I work with fun students, get to read about all sorts of topics to incorporate into my independent study class, volunteer, and get to grow my own vegetables. It's not that my life is sunshine and unicorns, but it's in the direction of my current 'dream'. And, my change in dream freed him up to take jobs that required travel without worrying about child care complications. Both of our dreams have changed to accommodate the other. Had I wanted to pursue a research career, he was willing to take a different sort of job to make that happen.

 

I think that we knew that plans could change - we married so early in our career paths that there were a lot of unknowns. Although we knew that we'd have to compromise at times, we were completely wrong about how it would look. But, we both wanted the other to be able to chase their dreams as much as possible.

[FaithManor]

I picked the 26-30 option, which ideally will mean finishing up college/graduate school and at least starting to establish a career.  DD is 23 and seems to agree with me at least so far.   :001_smile:   Although, I do think that there are other factors.  One person may be ready and established at 25, while another may still have a lot of growing up to do at 30.  

 

I married her dad when I was 21 (almost 22) and he was 28.  We had a lot of problems (wound up divorced) but I can see how many of them stemmed from being too young when we got married.  The age difference at that point was also more of a factor than the 13 year difference between dh and I when I was in my mid-30's.

 

ETA;  Part of this also comes from the fact that I was still trying to finish college when I got married.  Ex swore up and down that he would fully support me finishing, blah blah blah, and in fact it took the divorce and 14 years for it to actually happen.   It IS a lot harder to finish school once you are married and trying to support a household, and definitely once you have kids.

Agreed,

 

Dh and I married while I still had a year to go. That year was really hard even though he was very supportive. Setting up household, adjusting to married life, the demands of his job which included some evening events where my presence was most definitely expected even though I had classes and homework, you name it. Looking back, sure we did it. We have been married 29 years, and happily so. But it doesn't detract from the fact that there was a lot of stress that first year that there would not have been if A. I had school behind me, and B. Dh was more settled in his career. C. We had not needed at least some income from me while I was still in school in order to make it all work, and that meant that I was a fairly sleep deprived bride juggling it all as a music major that was required to spend four hours per day in the practice room besides 17 credit hours, a campus job, accompanying, and the formal events his job demanded - oh and often feeling that as a spouse of their employee, I should provide a classical music recital for FREE for their entertainment!

 

GAH!

 

So I have been very open with my kids about those stresses, and not being more determined to have things in place BEFORE taking on a spouse and all that goes with it.

[goldberry]

Free Application for Federal Student Aid.

It calculates financial aid for college students.

 

Longing wistfully for the days when I didn't know what FAFSA was.... 

 

I would prefer DD wait until finishing her degree.  She probably will not.  If you don't believe in sex outside of marriage, it's hard to wait that long if you have someone you are with working towards marriage.  We will continue providing the same college support we are able to provide right now, if she gets married but still stays in school.  We want to encourage finishing her degree.

[Farrar]

Meh. If you'd been a heroine addict when you were 21, would you feel like a hypocrite to tell your kids to not do heroine?

 

Maybe I should have clarified, but I guess I thought the implication that it was a good call was fairly obvious? I got married at 21 and it turned out perfectly well. So, yeah, if I told my kids that was too young to marry, I would feel like a hypocrite. If I was engaged in really screwed up, unhealthy behavior of some kind and got lucky enough to get out of it, I wouldn't feel like a hypocrite to say they shouldn't do that. But I don't put a happy marriage into that category.

 

ETA: Basically, I don't think it's nuts that I'm bristling at the idea that my marriage is the equivalent of being a heroin addict. I mean, what the heck?

Edited July 18, 2017 by Farrar

[regentrude]

Why would this be harder to do married vs. just cohabiting? I did those kinds of things (not rock climbing though) when DH and I were newlyweds. We used to go to Vegas all the time with our friends when he was stationed at an Army base about 3 hours away.

 

The big lifestyle cramper is having kids, not being married.

 

The post to which I responded talked about "carefree life" unencumbered with child care. 

 

I completely agree that it has nothing to do with being married or not.

Edited July 18, 2017 by regentrude

[MrsMommy]

Beyond being old enough legally to sign the paper, I don't really care. If they have truly found "The One," I don't see the point in waiting, just for the sake of being older. DH and I were 21 when we married, and we both wish we had married even younger. We waited until a few weeks after college graduation, which was what was expected, but he then went on to grad school full time, so it's not like he had a career with a salary, benefits, and stability. And I didn't at first, either. And, yes, our families helped us out some as they were able. We have no regrets. We have grown and changed together, and while there have been hard times (and not all of those had to do with being young and poor!), they have helped shaped us. And really, what we look back on is all the really good times! You know how they say people of certain age can look back nostalgically and make the Great Depression seem fun? That's how I feel about those early years, when I was literally counting meatballs, and freezing some of them, to make sure we would have enough to eat. And I wouldn't be who I am now if I hadn't done that...and I like who I am now!

 

So, I'm pretty open-minded about it. And I really don't think someone has to be at least so old or have so many life experiences before they're ready to marry.

[Guest]

I don't have an ideal per se but I don't think THIS child will be ready for marriage before the age I ticked.  He's just a late bloomer.  I do think it is possible he has met the gal he will marry (if they marry--le sigh) and if they marry sooner BUT NOT BEFORE they are financially independent, I will be OK with that.   It's really out of my hands all the way around.

 

[Guest]

I don't. Why would I ? Of legal age anytime up to old age? Idk. I can't be bothered having a preference for something so totally out of my hands.

Really? How interesting. I don't think it's totally out of a parent's hands, unless something about the parent/child relationship is not conducive to the discussion of such things.

 

So, for example, now that it seems like every other week, there's a new FB post of engagement rings and "she said yes" and relationship status changes, my DD and I readily discuss this. Also because she or I get asked this again and again whenever someone else gets engaged. When I was at my niece's bridal shower, my other nieces were hypothesizing that my DD is "next." (She is most likely not, BTW, as one of the hypothesizing nieces just got engaged over Independence Day.) It turns up repeatedly, so first, I see her response, unsolicited. She's not a fan of early marriage, I gather.

 

So, while I have not and would not "order" my kids to get married/not get married until a certain age, she does know I have some thoughts on what is better and what is not so good IMHO. But I do think kids are likely to pick up on parental beliefs about this.

[Crimson Wife]

Not really. My husband's career ended up dwarfing my life in a lot of ways. This was true of many of my friends.

 

Watching this go down with a niece right now. Do not know what it is about the male mind, but when they start living with a woman, their expectations tend to get rather high, and their desire to monopolize the female's time gets rather strong. I have seen this especially from younger males. So I think it is easier when your time is entirely your own, then when trying to juggle the relationship, his needs, his desires, and vice versus.

 

But if you're in an exclusive relationship (as opposed to casually dating), your time is not your own, regardless of whether you're married or just cohabiting. It's part and parcel of being a couple rather than single.

[Crimson Wife]

The bolded I of course know from personal experience.

 

However...

 

I am married of course to a committed partner.  We don't WANT more kids.  We have 4 now.  We have taken the steps to prevent more kids.  So are you suggesting that because we don't want more kids, we should not be having tEa either?  Or do you recognize that even couples who are mature and don't want kids can still have tEa?

 

Married and not seeking additional children is VERY different than a couple who is not only unmarried but not even considering getting married (yet or ever).

[Crimson Wife]

 This is what I meant earlier when I said she may follow him all over the country while he puruses his goals. I have seen that happen many times and I am actively watching it happen with a friend's kid. Her son is not that invested in the young woman and has told her directly that he is not looking for marriage right now, but she keeps moving to where he moves to be handy. Even the mother of the guy says she's wasting her youth tagging along after her son. This is one thing I would be very, very bothered by if my daughter were doing that. I don't want my dd trotting around after a guy, thinking if he will just marry her, her life will be complete.

 

But that is a TOTALLY different situation than saying, "don't marry until [insert arbitrary age and/or accomplishment here]". I would be very much opposed to an unmarried child of mine following around a boyfriend/girlfriend who won't commit to a future together. Following a spouse who has already publicly committed to the relationship is a lot less problematic than following someone who refuses to make that commitment.