Help me come up with a good excuse? *Update in post 41*

[AmandaVT]

My little family has been invited to go to an Easter brunch at one of the local restaurants here. We have family coming to town and will be with them for most of the weekend. I am excited to see everyone and we will be having a few meals with everyone (14 in total). 

 

The thing is, we REALLY don't want to go to the brunch. We're vegetarian and DH and I don't eat eggs (I will eat them in baked goods, but not on their own, DH not at all). This particular brunch is expensive and lavish. It costs $50/adult and $30/child before tip. So it's going to cost $130 for the 3 of us to go and be able to eat toast and maybe some fruit. We won't be able to order off the regular menu for this particular brunch. 

 

This isn't a religious event for us. The only reason we had originally planned on going is that one of the relatives had mentioned she wanted to eat at the brunch on their next visit. This particular relative is quite well off and the money isn't an issue for them. Everyone else going will have a number of things they will eat there - it's huge. Roasts, hams, omelet stations, waffle stations, tons of appetizers, multiple dessert tables, chocolate fountains, etc. 

 

DH doesn't want to go because of the lack of options for him and the cost. He keeps asking if he can just order a bowl of oatmeal off the menu (no - I checked, and they also don't have it as part of the buffet). DS doesn't want to go because he has some situational anxiety, and this situation will bring it on. I don't mind going because it'll make relatives happy and it's a lot easier to pay $50 +tip than $130+. 

 

Any ideas on what we can say that will get us out of this? I can't just say we don't have the money - we do, technically, but things are tight this month and this isn't the section of the family I feel like I can just say this to. 

Edited April 18, 2017 by AmandaVT

[Guest]

If you don't mind going, I would just go and tell them it's a bit much for DS and he and your DH are going to sit it out. If that will bring on comments or questions, I would not tell them in advance, and then have DH or DS feeling a bit under the weather that morning. A miraculous recovery can be made when the brunch is over. Must have eaten something funny the night before....... ;) 

[itsheresomewhere]

If this is on Easter-  I am sorry but we can't go.  We have so much to do that morning.  

 

It is just too much right now for us. Maybe when the kids are older.  

 

 

Or you could be me-  I'm sorry.  I just can't see paying that much for food we don't eat.  

[AK_Mom4]

"DH and DS didn't feel up to coming this morning.  They will catch up to us later.  I'm looking forward to visiting to everyone!"

[katilac]

You don't need an excuse, especially when you have a perfectly good reason. "We're going to skip it, there isn't that much for dh and I to eat. We'll see you guys in the afternoon, though." 

 

 

[SKL]

You need an excuse to tell the organizers, or your visitors?

 

If the organizers, I'd say "sorry, we have out of town company that day."

 

If the visitors who are keen on going, first of all I'd probably go with them but leave dh and ds at home.  If you need to explain that, I'd say dh and ds have food restrictions and can't eat most of the menu and so it would be no fun for them.  If you don't want to go at all, then just say you don't want to go out to eat where some of the group are unable to participate due to their food restrictions.

Edited April 10, 2017 by SKL

[fraidycat]

You don't need an excuse, especially when you have a perfectly good reason. "We're going to skip it, there isn't that much for dh and I to eat. We'll see you guys in the afternoon, though."

This.

 

"I checked the menu, I refuse to pay $50/pp for toast. Have a wonderful time, we'll look forward to seeing you later in the day."

Edited April 10, 2017 by fraidycat

[Tanaqui]

"Thank you for inviting us, but we won't be able to make it."

 

You don't need an excuse. In fact, I strongly suggest you don't make one - when you discuss your decisions, you send the message that they're up for discussion. And they're not. So don't do it.

[gardenmom5]

so, this is actually a family event/get-together?

 

for whatever reason you don't wish to go - be direct, and don't give an excuse which will be taken as an opening for negotiation to get you to change your mind and go.

 

whomever suggested a restaurant for $50 a head for a family meal where each family is expect to pay for their own - when not everyone has plenty of discretionary income was thoughtless at best, or just plain rude.

 

the direct method is to state : I'm so sorry, it turns out we won't  be able to make it.  I hope you have a nice time."  when pressed for a reason - which is rude - you repeat, 'because it won't work for us.'   then you change the subject.  if they continue to press - you end the conversation.

[marbel]

I understand this kind of family dynamic.  People can be very persistent when they want to do something and don't understand why it wouldn't be desirable for everyone else.  Is the brunch group the family group who is coming to visit you?  I'm a little slow this morning.  Assuming that's the case, is there one person in the group you can speak to quietly about the problem, and who will back you up if others argue when you say you won't be going?

 

"Aunt Sue, we're excited to see you this weekend but I'm concerned about the brunch.  You know it's so expensive and there is very little on offer that we can eat.  I'm afraid the rest of the group will be offended if we don't go.  Can you help me out here?"

 

You and Aunt Sue conspire. Maybe she tells everyone you aren't going, and shuts down any ensuing conversation.  Or, she's there when you tell the group you're not going, and when someone protests, Aunt Sue says "we're spending the whole weekend with them. Give them a break.  We'll see them after brunch" or whatever works for the family group.

 

Something like that?  I've been successful with that ploy, using my mom to help me against my sister who can be overbearing and assumes my family and I are exactly like hers.  

 

 

[KungFuPanda]

"I just don't have it in me to pay $50 for toast."

[Carol in Cal.]

Is the brunch only available on actual Easter, and famous or something?

Because if not, I'd say, "We'd love to spend Easter with you all, but that brunch really won't work for us.  Any chance that you could do the brunch without us, on another day?"

 

I suggest this because I imagine that spending actual Easter together is important to at least part of the family, and that way you won't be bailing out of 'family Easter' altogether.

[Jaybee]

"We can't make the brunch, but we can join you later in the day at ____'s house."

[Carol in Cal.]

Or you could say, "Wow, I was really hoping everyone would come over to my place for Easter brunch.  Why don't you all pick another day to go out to eat?"

[Ellie]

"Thank you for inviting us, but we won't be able to make it."

 

You don't need an excuse. In fact, I strongly suggest you don't make one - when you discuss your decisions, you send the message that they're up for discussion. And they're not. So don't do it.

 

the direct method is to state : I'm so sorry, it turns out we won't  be able to make it.  I hope you have a nice time."  when pressed for a reason - which is rude - you repeat, 'because it won't work for us.'   then you change the subject.  if they continue to press - you end the conversation.

 

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

[zoobie]

Another vote for don't make excuses. "We cannot make the brunch, but we will see you at Aunt Susie's. Can't wait to catch up!"

[Tanaqui]

Or you could say, "Wow, I was really hoping everyone would come over to my place for Easter brunch.  Why don't you all pick another day to go out to eat?"

 

She should only make that move if she's willing to host everybody for Easter brunch.

[Alexigail]

You don't need an excuse when you have a perfectly good reason. The brunch doesn't work for you. "We won't be there for the brunch but we hope you have a good time and we'll catch up with you later."

[wintermom]

Could you contact the restaurant and see if they have vegan pricing or alternative menu items? Otherwise, take the opportunity to rest up after hosting all those people. There is nothing wrong with taking a little alone time to rest or do something with just the 3 of you. Don't explain or go into huge details with the relatives, just say you have other plans that time and wish them a nice brunch.

[AmandaVT]

Could you contact the restaurant and see if they have vegan pricing or alternative menu items? Otherwise, take the opportunity to rest up after hosting all those people. There is nothing wrong with taking a little alone time to rest or do something with just the 3 of you. Don't explain or go into huge details with the relatives, just say you have other plans that time and wish them a nice brunch.

 

I have and they don't - they basically have all hands on deck for this brunch (they do a few a year - Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Thanksgiving and one other I think). They do a beautiful job and the food is high quality, but just very meat/egg-centric. Great for the paleo/low carb folks, not as good for the veg head types. 

 

I like the idea of getting someone else on board with me. My aunt would be perfect and she would understand. 

 

It's not quite as easy as just saying we can't make it. I thought I mentioned in my original post (but I just checked and I didn't) that this has been planned since the fall and when the relative that really really wants to go mentioned it, we all kind of rolled our eyes and agreed to go. Since I'm local, I made the reservations for everyone. 

 

Back in the fall, I tried to offer numerous options for brunch. My mom's house (our house is too small), a different restaurant for brunch, another weekend where they do a smaller brunch but also offer off-menu breakfasts, a dinner out, etc....this particular relative wants THIS brunch and nothing else. 

 

She is an aunt of mine and I love her. She has many great qualities, but a few less than stellar ones including being nosy and slightly judgemental at times. So, if I mention that things are tighter for us financially, it'll lead to an embarrassing grilling about our business, why we have less money, what we could be doing differently, etc. 

[Guest]

"Thank you for inviting us, but we won't be able to make it."

 

You don't need an excuse. In fact, I strongly suggest you don't make one - when you discuss your decisions, you send the message that they're up for discussion. And they're not. So don't do it.

What she said. No thanks is enough, really.

[FaithManor]

I have and they don't - they basically have all hands on deck for this brunch (they do a few a year - Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Thanksgiving and one other I think). They do a beautiful job and the food is high quality, but just very meat/egg-centric. Great for the paleo/low carb folks, not as good for the veg head types.

 

I like the idea of getting someone else on board with me. My aunt would be perfect and she would understand.

 

It's not quite as easy as just saying we can't make it. I thought I mentioned in my original post (but I just checked and I didn't) that this has been planned since the fall and when the relative that really really wants to go mentioned it, we all kind of rolled our eyes and agreed to go. Since I'm local, I made the reservations for everyone.

 

Back in the fall, I tried to offer numerous options for brunch. My mom's house (our house is too small), a different restaurant for brunch, another weekend where they do a smaller brunch but also offer off-menu breakfasts, a dinner out, etc....this particular relative wants THIS brunch and nothing else.

 

She is an aunt of mine and I love her. She has many great qualities, but a few less than stellar ones including being nosy and slightly judgemental at times. So, if I mention that things are tighter for us financially, it'll lead to an embarrassing grilling about our business, why we have less money, what we could be doing differently, etc.

I really think you can say, "I am so sorry but scheduling for us has changed a lot since we planned last fall, and we really cannot make it."

[LucyStoner]

"Thank you for inviting us, but we won't be able to make it."

 

You don't need an excuse. In fact, I strongly suggest you don't make one - when you discuss your decisions, you send the message that they're up for discussion. And they're not. So don't do it.

 

I agree.  If you raise cost as an issue, someone will invariably offer to pay and that's not your only reason for not going.  If you raise your son's anxiety as an issue, someone will minimize it and the situation could escalate to more hurt feelings.  I say this as someone who has had to decline invitations for both reasons.  Just say no.  It's ok.  You don't owe them an excuse.  

[Lang Syne Boardie]

:(

 

It kind of sounds to me like you agreed to go, they think you're coming, you were in on the planning, and YOU made the reservations...

 

I think your only option is to spare DH and ds by falling on your own sword, and being the representative family member. Come up with a last-minute excuse for them - I'd probably go with digestive reasons for not being up for a giant brunch feast, because this is the closest to the truth; they'd feel sick if they went and ate all that - but YOU be there and just make do.

 

As you say, better to just spend $50 than the whole amount.

 

I don't think you're going to get away with begging off, when you were in on the planning and made the reservations.

 

But the reason I'm commenting is that I know all about this, as a vegetarian, medical-dieting mother of four sons with celiac disease, one of whom also has secondary medical restrictions due to medication...we can't eat anywhere. These people who want to eat as their primary form of entertainment, I've seen it all, and tried to navigate it all. Sometimes I succeed but sometimes I only manage to offend everybody while still starving. HATE this stuff. So I'm very sorry you're going through it.

[wintermom]

I have and they don't - they basically have all hands on deck for this brunch (they do a few a year - Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Thanksgiving and one other I think). They do a beautiful job and the food is high quality, but just very meat/egg-centric. Great for the paleo/low carb folks, not as good for the veg head types. 

 

I like the idea of getting someone else on board with me. My aunt would be perfect and she would understand. 

 

It's not quite as easy as just saying we can't make it. I thought I mentioned in my original post (but I just checked and I didn't) that this has been planned since the fall and when the relative that really really wants to go mentioned it, we all kind of rolled our eyes and agreed to go. Since I'm local, I made the reservations for everyone. 

 

Back in the fall, I tried to offer numerous options for brunch. My mom's house (our house is too small), a different restaurant for brunch, another weekend where they do a smaller brunch but also offer off-menu breakfasts, a dinner out, etc....this particular relative wants THIS brunch and nothing else. 

 

She is an aunt of mine and I love her. She has many great qualities, but a few less than stellar ones including being nosy and slightly judgemental at times. So, if I mention that things are tighter for us financially, it'll lead to an embarrassing grilling about our business, why we have less money, what we could be doing differently, etc. 

 

I still do not believe you need an "excuse" not to go. You, your dh and your aunt are all mature adults and can survive this without it having to be a big deal. Meet up with the group after the brunch. I'm sure with 11 other people there your aunt will have her brunch and someone to talk to as well. She should be a happy camper. She doesn't need to have every single thing her way to be happy and know that you still love her.

Edited April 10, 2017 by wintermom

[AmandaVT]

:(

 

It kind of sounds to me like you agreed to go, they think you're coming, you were in on the planning, and YOU made the reservations...

 

I think your only option is to spare DH and ds by falling on your own sword, and being the representative family member. Come up with a last-minute excuse for them - I'd probably go with digestive reasons for not being up for a giant brunch feast, because this is the closest to the truth; they'd feel sick if they went and ate all that - but YOU be there and just make do.

 

As you say, better to just spend $50 than the whole amount.

 

I don't think you're going to get away with begging off, when you were in on the planning and made the reservations.

 

But the reason I'm commenting is that I know all about this, as a vegetarian, medical-dieting mother of four sons with celiac disease, one of whom also has secondary medical restrictions due to medication...we can't eat anywhere. These people who want to eat as their primary form of entertainment, I've seen it all, and tried to navigate it all. Sometimes I succeed but sometimes I only manage to offend everybody while still starving. HATE this stuff. So I'm very sorry you're going through it.

 

This is what I'm thinking. I can and will suck it up and I am planning on going myself at this point. I think digestive issues for DH and/or DS may be my best option. Thank you!

[Tanaqui]

Well, I can see the family issues make it harder - but honestly, I believe in ripping off the band-aid. If you set the boundary of "I don't discuss family or private matters" now, eventually your nosy aunt will fall in line. And it starts with no longer coddling her and everybody else. You do not need to justify yourself to her.

 

But when you haven't done it yet, it does seem a lot easier said than done, and you're no doubt reading this going "Yeah, but you don't know my family, lady", and I really don't. So do as you think best, but I'm just putting my two cents in one last time to say my advice hasn't changed.

[AmandaVT]

Well, I can see the family issues make it harder - but honestly, I believe in ripping off the band-aid. If you set the boundary of "I don't discuss family or private matters" now, eventually your nosy aunt will fall in line. And it starts with no longer coddling her and everybody else. You do not need to justify yourself to her.

 

But when you haven't done it yet, it does seem a lot easier said than done, and you're no doubt reading this going "Yeah, but you don't know my family, lady", and I really don't. So do as you think best, but I'm just putting my two cents in one last time to say my advice hasn't changed.

 

Thank you. I am usually pretty good at being truthful and upfront. I really wish I would have made the reservations and let the extended family know that we were going to be "maybes". We will be with one group of relatives from Friday lunch - Monday lunch and the other set all day Saturday through Sunday afternoon, so hopefully we'll all have a lovely weekend together. 

[gardenmom5]

I really think you can say, "I am so sorry but scheduling for us has changed a lot since we planned last fall, and we really cannot make it."

 

this.

 

things change, schedules, change, etc. etc. etc.  most people understand that.

 

just I'm sorry, things have changed, and we're not going to be able to make it.  have a lovely time.

 

[Reefgazer]

Tell them you cannot attend, you have other plans.  Ne need to explain.

[Garga]

Options:

 

#1.  You go and come up with a vague excuse about your dh and ds not feeling well.

#2.  You say, "It turns out we can't make it to the brunch."  And just stick with that.  They'll ask why, though.  And if they know you cleared out the weekend to be with family, there's not much of a reason you can give.  People will be like, "What?  I thought we were all going?  Is something wrong? Are you going somewhere else?"  You have cleared your schedule to be with the family and to back out now, just a few days before the event, will be strange.  You don't *have* to give a reason, but I think that'll get suuuuper awkward.  

#3.  You say you can't make it, but you do give a reason because it would be really weird not to.  You say, "Honestly, we can't eat breakfast food.  While it would be lovely to go for the company, I just can't wrap my mind around paying $130 to eat only toast and some fruit.  Let us know as soon as you get out of the buffet so we can meet up with you..."  or whatever.  Make it clear that you'll be with the family as soon as the breakfast is over.

 

I personally, would do either #1 or #3.  And if you do #1, eat a lovely breakfast at home before the buffet.  It would be silly to sit there hungry.  

Edited April 11, 2017 by Garga

[Janie Grace]

Options:

 

#1.  You go and come up with a vague excuse about your dh and ds not feeling well.

#2.  You say, "It turns out we can't make it to the brunch."  And just stick with that.  They'll ask why, though.  And if they know you cleared out the weekend to be with family, there's not much of a reason you can give.  People will be like, "What?  I thought we were all going?  Is something wrong? Are you going somewhere else?"  You have cleared your schedule to be with the family and to back out now, just a few days before the event, will be strange.  You don't *have* to give a reason, but I think that'll get suuuuper awkward.  

#3.  You say you can't make it, but you do give a reason because it would be really weird not to.  You say, "Honestly, we can't eat breakfast food.  While it would be lovely to go for the company, I just can't wrap my mind around paying $130 to eat only toast and some fruit.  Let us know as soon as you get out of the buffet so we can meet up with you..."  or whatever.  Make it clear that you'll be with the family as soon as the breakfast is over.

 

I personally, would do either #1 or #3.  And if you do #1, eat a lovely breakfast at home before the buffet.  It would be silly to sit there hungry.  

 

 

I think #3 is the only option. I would not lie if my dh and ds feel perfectly fine -- besides, if they want to join up for afternoon activities, everyone will be worried about catching their "illness." I don't think family asking why you can't come is prying or rude... it's just normal, upfront communication. Like Garga said, it's a family weekend, and it makes no sense that you are suddenly busy with a mystery commitment.

 

Just tell them the reason. Don't be snarky (I think "I can't see paying $50 for toast" is snarky); just simply state that it doesn't make sense for you given your dietary constraints, and that you're excited to meet up afterwards.

 

I would not go without my dh and ds because I like to present a united front when it comes to extended family stuff. I would be concerned it might go down later that dh is the cheap/inflexible one while I was willing to pay to have time with family.

[Ellie]

You don't need an excuse when you have a perfectly good reason. The brunch doesn't work for you. "We won't be there for the brunch but we hope you have a good time and we'll catch up with you later."

 

You don't need a reason at all, other than the fact that you don't want to to go. You are not obligated to attend any event, and you are not obligated to make an excuse.

[TechWife]

 

It's not quite as easy as just saying we can't make it. I thought I mentioned in my original post (but I just checked and I didn't) that this has been planned since the fall and when the relative that really really wants to go mentioned it, we all kind of rolled our eyes and agreed to go. Since I'm local, I made the reservations for everyone. 

 

 

I think this makes you the hostess for the brunch and you need to go. If your husband and son don't join you, that's fine, but I wouldn't make any type of announcement about it. In my experience, announcements like that tend to create drama. If it's a large enough group some people won't notice and to those who do mention it a polite "I'm on my own this morning" or "No, they aren't joining us, all the more food for us!" is a sufficient response. If there is a relative that would be particularly offended by their absence, take the initiative that morning, approach that relative and say "Cousin Jane, John wanted me to be sure to tell you hello this morning. He can't be here, but he'll see you this afternoon (but he wanted me to give you a hug for him, or whatever is appropriate)." Then John can make it a point to spend a few minutes with Cousin Jane that afternoon or to call her a few days later to catch up with her if there isn't an afternoon get together. That way, Cousin Jane knows that she is important to John and that it isn't a personal snub. 

[foxbridgeacademy]

If it were me I'd wait until that morning and call whoever and say I wasn't feeling well (which is 99% of the time the truth).  Then later show up at whatever's going on and say it passed.  But I'm often sick and everyone who knows me know this.

 

 In your situation (I have an almost vegan, eats eggs/milk in cooked things) I'd claim dietary restrictions and offer to meet for coffee or whatever later.  If they pressed I'd throw in that the smell of meat and eggs will make my veggie girl throw up.... but I don't like people being rude and pushy. 

[heartlikealion]

My little family has been invited to go to an Easter brunch at one of the local restaurants here. We have family coming to town and will be with them for most of the weekend. I am excited to see everyone and we will be having a few meals with everyone (14 in total). 

 

The thing is, we REALLY don't want to go to the brunch. We're vegetarian and DH and I don't eat eggs (I will eat them in baked goods, but not on their own, DH not at all). This particular brunch is expensive and lavish. It costs $50/adult and $30/child before tip. So it's going to cost $130 for the 3 of us to go and be able to eat toast and maybe some fruit. We won't be able to order off the regular menu for this particular brunch. 

 

This isn't a religious event for us. The only reason we had originally planned on going is that one of the relatives had mentioned she wanted to eat at the brunch on their next visit. This particular relative is quite well off and the money isn't an issue for them. Everyone else going will have a number of things they will eat there - it's huge. Roasts, hams, omelet stations, waffle stations, tons of appetizers, multiple dessert tables, chocolate fountains, etc. 

 

DH doesn't want to go because of the lack of options for him and the cost. He keeps asking if he can just order a bowl of oatmeal off the menu (no - I checked, and they also don't have it as part of the buffet). DS doesn't want to go because he has some situational anxiety, and this situation will bring it on. I don't mind going because it'll make relatives happy and it's a lot easier to pay $50 +tip than $130+. 

 

Any ideas on what we can say that will get us out of this? I can't just say we don't have the money - we do, technically, but things are tight this month and this isn't the section of the family I feel like I can just say this to. 

 

I think this is the real problem. Did you indicate during their last visit that this place was fine? And now suddenly it's not because of their restricted menu on Easter? Are they aware of the vegetarian thing? They might think you can eat waffles and didn't know about the egg thing. I wouldn't want to pay $50 for breakfast (even one where I could eat it all LOL). I suppose there might be a cereal station but again, I couldn't see paying $50 for that.

 

Or did you only recently agree to go to this place?

 

I might tell them in advance if this is a situation where finding out you aren't going is going to defeat half their reason for going. They might prefer to eat somewhere else with you and eat at that place another time (is there another day during your visit where the menu would work better and it would be less crowded??)

[marbel]

I think this makes you the hostess for the brunch and you need to go.

 

<snip>

 

Yes.  Since you were in on the planning and made the reservation, you can't with any credibility say "we have other plans." 

 

I'd go by myself, and have the rest of the family meet up later.  I wouldn't lie about them being sick; I'd be honest about the food restrictions (only if asked why they aren't there) and then enjoy what you can of the brunch.  Then, go on and do what was planned after.  

 

I hope you have a good time!

[AmandaVT]

I think this is the real problem. Did you indicate during their last visit that this place was fine? And now suddenly it's not because of their restricted menu on Easter? Are they aware of the vegetarian thing? They might think you can eat waffles and didn't know about the egg thing. I wouldn't want to pay $50 for breakfast (even one where I could eat it all LOL). I suppose there might be a cereal station but again, I couldn't see paying $50 for that.

 

Or did you only recently agree to go to this place?

 

I might tell them in advance if this is a situation where finding out you aren't going is going to defeat half their reason for going. They might prefer to eat somewhere else with you and eat at that place another time (is there another day during your visit where the menu would work better and it would be less crowded??)

 

 

So Aunt 2 (who really wanted to go) told Aunt 1, and Aunt 1 mentioned it to me on the phone. I believe my response was something along the lines of "It's going to be a tough sell for DH and DS but I'll be happy to make the reservation and figure something out". I can be quite honest w/ Aunt 1. I am definitely going. 

 

Yes, they are aware of the vegetarian thing but don't really understand it. DH stopped eating meat and eggs because he has gout and through a bunch of trial and error, figured out what he can and cannot eat to keep flare-ups to a minimum. DS and I changed our diets to accommodate him and so I wouldn't have to cook multiple meals. This was a few years back now and we're used to eating like this (I do still eat bacon though - bacotarian?)

 

It's not going to defeat their reason for going. Aunt 2 and Uncle 2 will have both their daughters and their husbands and grandchild there - a mini family reunion for them. We're invited because we live local, essentially. And we'll be with them on Saturday as well. 

 

I think my plan is: I'll go and DH and DS will stay home. DH has a weekly phone call that he does on Sunday mornings with his spiritual group and he's mentioned a few times that he would prefer not to miss it. I'll enlist Aunt 1 to help me be as diplomatic as possible. She's good with that kind of thing - I just end up overanalyzing and worrying.....hence this thread.

 

Thank you!

[heartlikealion]

So Aunt 2 (who really wanted to go) told Aunt 1, and Aunt 1 mentioned it to me on the phone. I believe my response was something along the lines of "It's going to be a tough sell for DH and DS but I'll be happy to make the reservation and figure something out". I can be quite honest w/ Aunt 1. I am definitely going. 

 

Yes, they are aware of the vegetarian thing but don't really understand it. DH stopped eating meat and eggs because he has gout and through a bunch of trial and error, figured out what he can and cannot eat to keep flare-ups to a minimum. DS and I changed our diets to accommodate him and so I wouldn't have to cook multiple meals. This was a few years back now and we're used to eating like this (I do still eat bacon though - bacotarian?)

 

It's not going to defeat their reason for going. Aunt 2 and Uncle 2 will have both their daughters and their husbands and grandchild there - a mini family reunion for them. We're invited because we live local, essentially. And we'll be with them on Saturday as well. 

 

I think my plan is: I'll go and DH and DS will stay home. DH has a weekly phone call that he does on Sunday mornings with his spiritual group and he's mentioned a few times that he would prefer not to miss it. I'll enlist Aunt 1 to help me be as diplomatic as possible. She's good with that kind of thing - I just end up overanalyzing and worrying.....hence this thread.

 

Thank you!

 

You might want to confirm the tally so you can tell the restaurant. If your dh and ds aren't going that may open a spot for other people waiting.

[wintermom]

Sounds like you are really over-thinking this thing. Your extended family will have a nice time no matter what you and your husband do. You're 1st priority is your husband and family. 

 

Re: gout. My dh had really bad gout a few years ago. It's disappeared now that his is physically active with tennis, cycling and weights. It is such a HUGE relief for him because gout is very, very painful, as I'm sure you can relate. If your dh has found a solution with diet, then I'm 100% with you to support this in every way possible. 

Edited April 11, 2017 by wintermom

[AmandaVT]

Update: 

 

We ended up playing it by ear until the last minute (DH was being annoyingly indecisive). DS was really starting to get anxious about the prospect of being at brunch with 1000 other people. I went alone and told DH and DS that if DS changed his mind, they were welcome. 

 

I went with the truth - said that DS's anxiety has been much better as of late, but that on occasion, he still has a moment and he had one that morning. Everyone was understanding and DH was happy that he didn't have to be at the brunch. He and DS went to a yummy coffee shop and got decadent drinks (hot cocoa w/ homemade marshmallows in bunny shapes) and then came home and made homemade brunch while DS played with his new Easter lego. There were about a half dozen toddlers and babies in the tables surrounding us, which would have really triggered DS's anxiety, so it worked out very well on that front.

 

Aunt 2 and family took off for home immediately after brunch and the rest of us went for a nice walk on the bike path in the afternoon - DS came along. 

 

Everyone was happy and it worked out well. I had a little mantra in my head that I kept repeating (I'm not paying $50 for food - it's for the company) and I did not try to stuff myself with $50 worth of food. I'm glad DH didn't go, there wasn't much there he would/could have eaten. 

[maize]

so glad it worked out!