Ok, it's not Christmas anymore... (ventish & the post formerly known as nvm)

[EMS83]

I don't know whether to go to my grandmother's funeral 600 miles away, driving trip, just me and the kids.  My mom is basically insisting I go and says she needs me there (didn't get to the why part).  Offered to cover costs, but I'm inclined to decline, since they subsidize us anyway.  I feel bad for my indecision, but don't, at the same time?  This is weird, and I feel weird.  And indecisive.  And irritated.  We'd have to leave in 36 hours(ish).  Which I could do with a bit of hustle; I planned it out in order to figure out how the logistics stacked up.  My tires need rotating and balancing, but the place wasn't open today.  That is not factored into the cost.  Oh, and hubby doesn't really want me to go, but wants to let me decide for myself.

 

WWYD?  Any BTDT?

Edited December 28, 2016 by CES2005

[EMS83]

self promotional bump

Edited December 27, 2016 by CES2005

[jewellsmommy]

Are you uncomfortable with the drive itself or are there other reasons for your uneasiness about going? That would make a difference for me as to whether I went or not.

Edited December 27, 2016 by jewellsmommy

[JustEm]

If you do not feel the need to go to your grandmother's funeral then don't. Some people do not need funerals for closure, while other people do and there is nothing wrong with either decision.

 

I might go if my mother had absolutely no other family support system there. So maybe consider the other people she has around her now and decide if they will actually help her or cause her extra stress.

[RootAnn]

:grouphug:  I get it.

 

I admit to completely bailing on a similar length trip earlier this year - sending just my DH to his great-aunt's funeral. So, I get it.

 

Best of luck with your decision. I don't know what to tell you except I felt really bad for not going (for DH's sake), but he didn't mind going alone & it worked out better in the end (as his brother & nephew shared his hotel room while the women had their own).

[MomatHWTK]

I have found that when your parent loses a parent, they tend to freak out. Your mom may legitimately want you there for support. Or, she may want you there because it is "proper" and people will expect it. (It kind of depends on what type of person she is.) But--I wouldn't find it surprising that your mom is staggering a bit and wants you there to prop her up. (Again, depends on the person.)

[QueenCat]

I can't imagine not having gone to either of my grandmothers funerals but those are personal decisions. I know my mom would have had a hard time without me there when it was her mom. For me, it's often about helping each other through a tough time.

[EMS83]

I don't personally need it, no.  I was there in the hospital just before and just after she died.  (Long story about why that was local and the funeral is so far away).  My mom has my dad, but I think being around her family produces a lot of stress.  I hardly know anyone anymore. 

 

The travelling produces some anxiety in me, but is also a logistical and expensive headache for what will be 2-4 hours of bittersweet social awkwardness.  Don't know if that helps others respond or not?  I'm being selfish, but I'm also being pragmatic.  

[jewellsmommy]

IF you have a pretty healthy relationship with your mom

IF you are comfortable with the drive (such as no scary bridges, no iffy mountain roads, you are ok driving in the dark etc.)

IF the trip won't be traumatic for your kids (some kids don't travel well etc)

 

Then I would be inclined to say "go" for your mom's sake, because it is obvious she wants you there as evidenced by her offer to help defray the cost. This is, again, assuming the above is true.

[school17777]

So sorry for your grandmother's passing.

 

I only attended one of my grandparent's funeral. I wish I could have gone to the others, but logistically it wasn't possible. I feel like it would have been better to see them before they died, but that wasn't possible (we lived over 1200 miles away and I had several small children at the time and was recently recovering from a major surgery - all three died within about 6 months of each other).

 

This is a tough time of year for long distance travel, due to winter weather that can change in a heart beat. That's also a long trip by yourself and the kids, especially last minute.

 

As far as your tires needing rotated and balanced, I am guessing that still could be done after your trip.

[jewellsmommy]

I don't personally need it, no.  I was there in the hospital just before and just after she died.  (Long story about why that was local and the funeral is so far away).  My mom has my dad, but I think being around her family produces a lot of stress.  I hardly know anyone anymore. 

 

The travelling produces some anxiety in me, but is also a logistical and expensive headache for what will be 2-4 hours of bittersweet social awkwardness.  Don't know if that helps others respond or not?  I'm being selfish, but I'm also being pragmatic.  

 

Is your mom close by that you could travel with her and split the driving and have help with the kids?

[Lang Syne Boardie]

If Mom is able to help with costs, could you fly instead of drive?

[Guest]

My grandmother passed away last Christmas, and I traveled alone to the funeral, as I didn't have enough time to get six kids on the road and travel 1000+ miles and still get there in time.

 

No regrets. So glad I made the effort. Funerals are important to attend, for the surviving loved ones.

[Spryte]

If Mom is able to help with costs, could you fly instead of drive?

This.

 

Even if you go alone, and return quickly. Then you'd be there for her.

[Anne in CA]

If your mom says she needs you, and she loves you and supports you... why wouldn't you be there for her? I understand it's a pain, but there are only so many opportunities to be there for someone who is there for you. I may be prejudiced because I don't need my mom and she doesn't need me. I wish we had that kind of relationship. I would certainly indulge it if we did have it. 

[Rachel]

I would go because your mom asked and is offering to pay. If the tires need to be rotated, ask her to front the cost since this was an unplanned expense.

 

Write a list for your kids and have them pack their own things. It is a long but doable drive. Take your time coming home so you can split the driving. Could one of your kids stay home with your husband, possibly going to a friend's house while he is at work? It may relieve some stress to not have all the kids with you.

[LucyStoner]

Unless I had a reason to not attend (as in attending would be traumatic or damaging to you or is a physical or logistics impossibility), I'd go for my mom.

[JudoMom]

We just did it. Grandma died on the 16th and the funeral was on the 23rd. It was a 575 mile trip to the funeral. We left on the morning of the 22nd, went to funeral and graveside service on the 23rd, and left from the graveside (we skipped the after funeral get together at my aunt's house) and drove 3 hours and stayed overnight in hotel, and left at 5:30 on the 24th and got home at lunchtime.

I didn't really want to go, but felt I should.  It was important to my mom, and it was important to my extended family.

As inconvenient and difficult and tiring as it was to go, I'm glad we went.

 

Edited December 27, 2016 by JudoMom

[almondbutterandjelly]

I don't personally need it, no.  I was there in the hospital just before and just after she died.  (Long story about why that was local and the funeral is so far away).  My mom has my dad, but I think being around her family produces a lot of stress.  I hardly know anyone anymore. 

 

The travelling produces some anxiety in me, but is also a logistical and expensive headache for what will be 2-4 hours of bittersweet social awkwardness.  Don't know if that helps others respond or not?  I'm being selfish, but I'm also being pragmatic.  

 

If I were you, I wouldn't go.  Your mom has your dad.  600 miles is really far.  You were there just before she died.  That's better than being at the funeral, imo.  And it's a logistical and expensive headache for bittersweet social awkwardness.  Nope.  I wouldn't go.

[lllll]

nm

Edited December 29, 2016 by ..Kathy..

[EMS83]

It's funny, but this is the one funeral where people haven't told me to stay home.  And it's the one...I don't know.  Don't feel I ought to go to.  Just generally; I understand the Mom angle and you guys have been helpful in that regard.  I can't imagine losing my mom, so I can't even do the whole "someone else's shoes" mental exercise.  Big blank.  Thanks for at least helping me look at that side a little more clearly.

[Rachel]

It's funny, but this is the one funeral where people haven't told me to stay home. And it's the one...I don't know. Don't feel I ought to go to. Just generally; I understand the Mom angle and you guys have been helpful in that regard. I can't imagine losing my mom, so I can't even do the whole "someone else's shoes" mental exercise. Big blank. Thanks for at least helping me look at that side a little more clearly.

I'm not sure when you have to make a decision by, but set a deadline, make the decision, then don't fret. There isn't really a right or wrong answer here.

[1GirlTwinBoys]

Personal decisions and everyone is different I guess.

 

I would be at the funeral of my grandparents or parents.  Unless of course it was a terrible relationship while they were living and we didn't have contact.

[Carol in Cal.]

I'd go.

[Guest]

I would go. It's one of those things you can't go back and redo if you change your mind. I don't think you would ever regret going, but you may regret not going later on. For those reasons alone I would go. Add in your Mom needing you and although I get it's a pain, there's no way I would miss it. 

[zyxwvut]

I'd go, and I'd leave as soon as I possibly could.  I have family scattered all over the county, and I've dropped everything and been on the road (with a van of little kids) in a matter of hours on more than occasion.  They've done it for me.  That's what family does...we go.  

[Carol in Cal.]

I'd go, and I'd leave as soon as I possibly could.  I have family scattered all over the county, and I've dropped everything and been on the road (with a van of little kids) in a matter of hours on more than occasion.  They've done it for me.  That's what family does...we go.  

Yup.  Don't miss weddings or funerals. 

[Shellydon]

I would go, no question.  I can't imagine not attending a grandparent's funeral. 

[BooksandBoys]

Baring an abusive relationship, I'd go, but I moved away from my family, so I travel at least 1200 miles to visit multiple times a year. It's going to be stressful, all travel is. But to be there supporting your mom will matter to her for a long time.

You don't need much for a 2-3 day trip, especially with someone willing to help with costs. Just throw some clothes in a bag, the kids in the car, and do it!!

And if you don't go, own that decision and don't waste time feeling guilty. It's fine to choose to stay home too, if that's what is right for your family.

But I'd go.

[Loowit]

If my mom asked me to be there for support, I am not sure how I would be able to say no unless there was some dysfunctional aspect to our relationship.

[MomatHWTK]

I wouldn't bring the kids, btw. 

[Sandragood1]

Funerals are for the living. I regret not attending my grandmother's funeral. I was a young adult and didn't understand that my attendance was for my Dad. I didn't really have a relationship with my grandmother and so thought I didn't need to go.

 

Go. Just fly on your own and return quickly.

[EMS83]

Flying isn't an option, and neither is going sans kids.  I know that works out for some, but I'm not one of them.   :)  That part doesn't bother me as much as it just stinks to have to be calm & quiet 24/7 for three days at their ages.  Also, the increased risk of travelling period, but especially from the South to the Midwest this time of year is not something I want to transfer to my kids.  But either we all go or no one goes.  That is how it is.

 

Family dynamics are interesting, but not awful.  We all wrestle with ourselves and each other to one degree or another, anyway, right?

Edited December 28, 2016 by CES2005

[Storygirl]

Not knowing the details of your situation, it's hard to advise.

 

But I didn't go to my aunt's funeral, because I was away at college out of state. I would have had to take a last minute flight, and my mother told me not to come (my aunt was her only sister, who unexpectedly died at age 50). This was 25 years ago, and I've always regretted it.

 

 

 

[poppy]

Your mother's mom died and she says she needs you.  This isn't a hemming and hawing moment to me.

 

I went to my dad's funeral last month, in support of my mom, 5 states away. I left the kids at home for a week... first time ever away from them.  She genuinely needed me.  It was hard. It was awkward. I am so very glad I went.

[scrapbookbuzz]

Flying isn't an option, and neither is going sans kids.  I know that works out for some, but I'm not one of them.   :)  That part doesn't bother me as much as it just stinks to have to be calm & quiet 24/7 for three days at their ages.  Also, the increased risk of travelling period, but especially from the South to the Midwest this time of year is not something I want to transfer to my kids.  But either we all go or no one goes.  That is how it is.

 

Family dynamics are interesting, but not awful.  We all wrestles with ourselves and each other to one degree or another, anyway, right?

Flying really doesn't make sense anyway as you'd spend almost as much time in the airport, checking baggage, going through security, on a plane, etc. as you would in driving the distance you mentioned. Usually when we're indecisive it's because we subconciously (at least) have already made the decision and are simply looking for affirmation from others in regards to that decision. At this point, I would encourage you to seek a quiet, uninterruptable spot for 15-20 minutes and really be introspective about this. Literally ask yourself, "what's the hold up on my decision? What do I really believe I should do?" I'm pretty sure that at this point, again at least via your subconscience, you've already made the decision. Now just let it come to the forefront and be at peace about it, whatever you decide to do.

 

As for the kids having to be quiet 24/3, I say HOGWASH. Kids are kids. They need to and will wiggle and wriggle and make noise. Enjoy the LIFE. For a brief moment in those 3 days, you will be focused on someone's death, but I guarantee that after the funeral, and even before, there will be a few (perhaps several) people who will enjoy the energy of your kids. If and when someone states their disapproval, simply say, with a soft smile, "Oh, to be a kid again, right?" I guarantee that will change their attitude right quick!

 

HTH

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I don't know where in the midwest, but in my midwestern state we are enjoying unseasonably warm weather. If you're traveling this week, the roads might not be dangerous at all.

[MomatHWTK]

I probably wouldn't go if I had to take the kids. But I have a VERY dysfunctional relationship with my parent. My husband went to be with his mom when she lost her mother, but the children and I stayed home. Could you take just the one child whom you can't leave? 

 

I understand that the situation is complicated when there are unique childcare issues at play. DH and I have often had to make decisions based on our child's needs that others would not.  

[TranquilMind]

Can you leave the kids home and fly on your own, just to be with Mom?

[Daria]

Flying isn't an option, and neither is going sans kids.  I know that works out for some, but I'm not one of them.   :)  That part doesn't bother me as much as it just stinks to have to be calm & quiet 24/7 for three days at their ages.  Also, the increased risk of travelling period, but especially from the South to the Midwest this time of year is not something I want to transfer to my kids.  But either we all go or no one goes.  That is how it is.

 

Family dynamics are interesting, but not awful.  We all wrestles with ourselves and each other to one degree or another, anyway, right?

 

Why would they need to be calm and quiet 24/7 for three days?

 

For the funeral, of course, and perhaps during time indoors if you spend the night at your parents, but why for the entire trip?

[foxbridgeacademy]

My wonderful Mimmy (what I called my grandmother) died on Christmas day.  I also was very torn but I can't go to her funeral (5 hour drive each way).  It's a hard decision to make and I have good reasons (other than the distance). My dad understands, although his 6 siblings might not.  So no actual BTDT experience, more of a commiseration.

 

Know your limits and explain in clear and honest words your reasons and they, your family, will get through it all with or without you.

[poppy]

We had 2 days of "viewing" for my dad at the funeral home and it was neither quiet nor even solemn, much of the time. Its' ok to talk and share stories and laugh.... except during prayer services, or the funeral, or of course if there are new folks coming into the room who are distraught. But in general it felt like a lot of normal family visiting.

[J-rap]

I haven't read all of the responses, but since your mother is offering to pay expenses for all of you, could you just have her pay for one air ticket for you instead?  Leave the children at home, and just stay for one night.

 

ETA:  Oops, just saw your post where you said you wouldn't fly.

Edited December 27, 2016 by J-rap

[BrittanyM]

If you choosing not to go has a permanent negative effect on your relationship with your Mom are you okay with taking the responsibility for that? That would be my main consideration.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[EMS83]

Why would they need to be calm and quiet 24/7 for three days?

 

For the funeral, of course, and perhaps during time indoors if you spend the night at your parents, but why for the entire trip?

 

road, hotel, road, funeral, road, hotel, road, home.  6-7 hours of driving every day we're gone.  There just won't be much of an outlet for them.  The hotel has an indoor swimming pool and an exercise room.  We can use those, but that's it.  I can use tech, but I try to limit that and there's always a commensurate "rebound" of spastic energy when they come back up out of The Zone.

 

Mom and Dad live 20 minutes from me; they just needed to be on their own travelling itinerary, or they probably would have gone with us (that has its own set of pros and cons).

 

The size of it is that I was more amenable to going before I started planning this thing out and saw how it was going to have to go.   They want to let me off the hook anyway because their drive has apparently been yucky so far.  Wish that helped me feel better.

 

But at this point, all I would have to do now is throw clothes and food in bags and load everyone up and go.

Edited December 27, 2016 by CES2005

[SebastianCat]

We have lost both of DH's parents in the past year and a half.    One grandchild was unable to attend one of the funerals because he was training for the olympic swimming trials and traveling would have forfeited his spot, which he had been working toward for years.   He was missed, but everyone understood -- he was in the middle of a once-in-a-lifetime situation.

 

It sounds like the main reason for not attending is a difficult 2-3 day trip for your kids, and inconvenience for you.   Would the inconvenience outweigh the regret you'd feel if you didn't go?   I can't answer that one for you, but I think I would go (given what you've described here).

[jewellsmommy]

Well, I think from reading your posts it has become more clear that you really don't want to go (I'm sure you have legitimate reasons). If that is indeed the case, then you should just make that the final decision and put the back-and-forth behind you.

 

Perhaps you could do something special for your mom when she returns.

[lauraw4321]

I would go. It's 3 days of being uncomfortable in order to help your mom and to grieve your grandmother. 

[wintermom]

I don't know whether to go to my grandmother's funeral 600 miles away, driving trip, just me and the kids.  My mom is basically insisting I go and says she needs me there (didn't get to the why part).  Offered to cover costs, but I'm inclined to decline, since they subsidize us anyway.  I feel bad for my indecision, but don't, at the same time?  This is weird, and I feel weird.  And indecisive.  And irritated.  We'd have to leave in 36 hours(ish).  Which I could do with a bit of hustle; I planned it out in order to figure out how the logistics stacked up.  My tires need rotating and balancing, but the places wasn't open today.  That is not factored into the cost.  Oh, and hubby doesn't really want me to go, but wants to let me decide for myself.

 

WWYD?  Any BTDT?

 

I'd have hopped in the car with mom and dad and left the dc at home. Sounds like mom wanted a supportive daughter. 

Edited December 27, 2016 by wintermom

[EMS83]

The weather took it out of my hands, the reasons for which would sound ridiculous to anyone who lives north of Atlanta.  My parents also said they are fine if we stay home.  DH is relieved.  I know it really, really sucks to want something only one person can give you, and they can't or won't give it to you.  It's an incredibly hard thing to wrestle with--it has taken me 6 years and a faith crisis to wrap my mind around that one.  I'm sort of numb as a result.  Hopefully this won't increase my mom's burden, but I doubt my presence really would put a dent in what she's feeling; this is going to take a long while to sort through.