Do you like a surprise party? What happens if you don't but you receive one?

[Murphy101]

I don't mind a grand gesture once in a while, though what *I* think is a grand enough gesture might vary from yours.

 

To me, someone going to all the bother to do something nice for me, would be enough. Just a gift or a call would be enough.

 

A friend is making me a hand knit sweater as a gift and is all bothered that I know she's making me a sweater, though I don't know what it will look like or colors or anything. My friend is MAKING ME A SWEATER! She could make it out of clown barf three sizes too small and I'd still be "Holy crap, she sat around for hours on end knitting my big fat preggo leaky unworthy self an entire SWEATER - best dadblum friend EVER!" If anything, I might feel a bit bad that she spent so much money and time on something for me.

 

But she also knows I would hate a surprise party and I don't like cake and she doesn't judge me uncivilized for it. So that alone is a grand enough gesture of friendship and love for me.

[Murphy101]

Same thing happened to my dd. What really infuriated me was that my dh and I both told them NOT to ask the staff to sing, and they ignored us, the parents. It's like the well meaning family members that tease or tickle relentlessly no matter how many times they are told it isn't appreciated. And suggest your child is rude, a baby, or spoiled because they don't like being made the center of attention.

 

This really gets me fired up. I'm an adult that does not want surprise parties or to be serenaded in a restaurant, but as an adult, I can stand up for myself (or go hide in the bathroom). Kids have to put up with it.

Well my kids don't. We took him outside the restaurant to let him decompress to regain his composure and explain explicitive relative doesn't know diddly and we could leave to go home or go do something else if he wanted. Ended up retrying the birthday the next day without those people.

[Garga]

Yeah: for the singing in restaurants, I don't get the extreme anxiety/discomfort, but I do respect it. If someone doesn't want to be sung to, I don't ask for it to happen. I think we only once asked for the singing on the birthday, maybe twice, but it was for people who didn't mind and had the mindset of, "Oh free dessert! Cool! Annoying singing? Oh well...because free dessert!"

 

No, I don't understand the extreme discomfort, but I do respect it. Honestly, I'm not a jerk! I was just being honest about what I'm thinking inside. I do my best not to show it on the outside.

 

And I wouldn't in 100 years do that to a kid who is clearly in distress and then berate the kid about it. Never. I don't like that sort of thing at all.

[Murphy101]

Oh it's not that I think you or another poster would do it.

 

Really I do try to give the benefit of the doubt to good will.

 

My point was the only difference between my 8 yr old and myself on this instinctive dislike is I've had 40+ years of social conditioning to not visibly react the way he did - even though mentally I'm right there with him just wanting to put my hands over my ears until it ends or go home. I bet lots of other adults are too. But they are often socially dismissed as party poopers who can't take a joke or appreciate it's all in good fun. Even at 8 though, he knew enough socially to feel uncomfortable saying more than a polite no thanks and most people don't hear that. They hear "oh he just doesn't want to admit he'd actually love it." You can't win bc if you are polite, it's a lifetime of that. If you are more adamant that no seriously don't - it's having people act like you are an unappreciative pita.

[MistyMountain]

I do not like them. But I would not be mad or angry or expect that people should know that. For me it is less about the surprise but I do not like gatherings with lots of people as it is and I hate being the center of attention. I do prefer to know plans. I really am bad at faking my feelings and I would hate everyone looking at me for a reaction. I know I could not be giddy and excited about it. I would try to be polite but it would be very awkward. I had a friend a long time ago throw one for my graduation and one for a birthday. They were at least low key with a few people I knew well and who know how I am. I think people do have good intentions when they plan them. I have a it common personality type and I am an extreme introvert. A lot of people just do not get why things like that are hard.

Edited August 24, 2016 by MistyMountain

[luuknam]

Also, it'd take me a good 30 minutes to reappear and personally I'd feel awkward showering and getting dressed while company milled about waiting on me. But I'll freely accept that could just be my hangup.

 

We have a house with only one tiny bathroom and no locks on any of the inside doors. There's no way I'd go take a shower if someone threw a surprise party with more than 2-3 people.

[Murphy101]

We have a house with only one tiny bathroom and no locks on any of the inside doors. There's no way I'd go take a shower if someone threw a surprise party with more than 2-3 people.

Yes. Maybe it's more about house size/layout issues.

[Valley Girl]

 

 

I also don't see the big deal about the singing in restaurants.  Who cares?  No one.  No one cares.  'Get over yourself,' is how I feel about it on the inside, though I would try to be understanding on the outside.  But I don't get the discomfort.  Just sit there with a gentle smile or pleasant expression, say, "Thanks," and eat the dessert. 

 

It's not a big deal to YOU. That's fine. Enjoy it. More power to you.

 

It IS a big deal to people who dislike being the center of attention, especially in a public setting. I'm one of them. I'd very much resent someone making a spectacle of me in public. (Sorry, but having random strangers who don't know or give a #&%$ about me, surround me singing, clapping, and doing other stupid stuff to "celebrate" would, yes, make me VERY uncomfortable.) I'm sure there are situations that you dislike being in that other people think are just fine. It would be equally rude of them to force you into one simply because it's their idea of fun. If you're going to mark someone's otherwise happy occasion, good manners should require that thei honoree's temperament and feelings actually count.

[Valley Girl]

 

Personally I think there's something a lot more wrong with people who seem to get a kick out of purposely making other people feel like crap publicly and then shaming them for not appreciating it "all in good fun", but I'm aware I am often the only one with this POV.

 

You're definitely not the only one who views it that way.

[purpleowl]

My poor DH. He has no idea why I suddenly checked to make sure he knows that he is NEVER to throw me a surprise party, that he is to dissuade anyone else who wants to throw me a surprise party, and that if someone else wants to throw me a surprise party and cannot be dissuaded, he is to warn me ahead of time. (He did already know those things.)

 

I don't mind the singing at restaurants, because, free dessert. Plus it's not a long, drawn-out thing like a party would be, and also, if I'm at a restaurant on my birthday, well, I am not terribly surprised if they come out and sing. If I'm with someone else on their birthday, I would ask if they wanted that whole deal before alerting the server; I wouldn't spring it on someone who might be uncomfortable with it.

 

I keep thinking of this scene from Monk while I read this thread:

 

 

Natalie Teeger: Don't be mad. I know how you hate surprises. So I'm just going to warn you, I'm going to be surprising you.

Adrian Monk: Wait, when?

Natalie Teeger: In about 10 seconds. This is sort of a heads up, a sort of alert.

Adrian Monk: Wait! You can't just burst in here and say "Surprise alert." You have to give me a little warning.

Natalie Teeger: Oh, okay, sorry. This is the surprise alert warning. "This is a surprise alert!" Now... surprise!

 

[KrissiK]

I had one once. I hate them, but try to be as gracious as possible.

[wintermom]

If you receive a surprise party you don't enjoy, you behave well anyway. If you're not the positive, gushing kind of person, then don't pretend to suddenly be. Enjoy yourself with (hopefully) friends, and don't worry about your hair, clothes, etc. not being perfect. 

 

The good thing about being the recipient of a surprise party is that you didn't have to plan, clean or prepare for it!! You just show up and enjoy. What's not to like about that?

[wintermom]

I've actually organised 2 surprise parties and been the recipient of 3. The 2 I arranged (20+ years ago) were very difficult to organise and were a lot of fun for both attendees and guest of honour. They were small, with only close friends and family, and still the attention to detail and pre-planning was huge. 

 

The ones I've attended as surprised guest were initially confusing and a tad stressful because the method to get me to the event was kind of annoying. However, what immediately takes over is the fact that these people went to the time and effort to plan and show up for this special occasion for you. It wasn't special for them. It was another ordinary day for them, made a little more special because they chose to spend part of it honouring you. 

 

I have attended many, many surprise parties over the years, and none of them have ever been negatively received. Usually the guest of honour is very positively touched by the event and the people who attend - some from long distances. 

 

Edited August 24, 2016 by wintermom

[horsellian]

I HATE them so much, though I've only been to a few. They almost never go down well.

 

Fortunately no-one's ever been stupid enough to throw me one, but if they did I would just turn around and leave. Same as I would do if anyone tried to sing "happy birthday" to me in a restaurant. I would just be outta there.

[theelfqueen]

 

 

The good thing about being the recipient of a surprise party is that you didn't have to plan, clean or prepare for it!! You just show up and enjoy. What's not to like about that?

 

But I enjoy the planning, cleaning and preparing MORE than the party. I don't generally enjoy the party part. I've hosted lots of events and parties. Some would assume I enjoy the party at the end the most but I enjoy the 20 minutes before the party when my house is clean and shiny, the food is ready, the cake is decorated and I am alone to admire it -- that's my favorite part. The first time the doorbell rings I'm done with the good part ;) I enjoy my friends and family in small doses and enjoy doing things FOR them but events of that sort make me stressed out, ESPECIALLY when I can't stay busy with the hosting, and am expected to socialize with people in a party setting... MORESO if I am 'being celebrated" and am the center of the party/attention. I don't find that enjoyable.

 

I can't speak for everyone but based on others on this thread -- I'm not alone in that.

[Valley Girl]

I've actually organised 2 surprise parties and been the recipient of 3. The 2 I arranged (20+ years ago) were very difficult to organise and were a lot of fun for both attendees and guest of honour. They were small, with only close friends and family, and still the attention to detail and pre-planning was huge. 

 

The ones I've attended as surprised guest were initially confusing and a tad stressful because the method to get me to the event was kind of annoying. However, what immediately takes over is the fact that these people went to the time and effort to plan and show up for this special occasion for you. It wasn't special for them. It was another ordinary day for them, made a little more special because they chose to spend part of it honouring you. 

 

I have attended many, many surprise parties over the years, and none of them have ever been negatively received. Usually the guest of honour is very positively touched by the event and the people who attend - some from long distances. 

 

It's wonderful that people were happy about it. I've been to surprise parties that were happily received as well. But the planners knew in advance the party would be welcomed. I think that's the secret. To go to all the trouble of planning an event only to have the honoree feel embarrassed, distressed or have to fake delight is disappointing for everyone. I think that's the key: know the person for whom you're planning the party.

[wintermom]

But I enjoy the planning, cleaning and preparing MORE than the party. I don't generally enjoy the party part. I've hosted lots of events and parties. Some would assume I enjoy the party at the end the most but I enjoy the 20 minutes before the party when my house is clean and shiny, the food is ready, the cake is decorated and I am alone to admire it -- that's my favorite part. The first time the doorbell rings I'm done with the good part ;) I enjoy my friends and family in small doses and enjoy doing things FOR them but events of that sort make me stressed out, ESPECIALLY when I can't stay busy with the hosting, and am expected to socialize with people in a party setting... MORESO if I am 'being celebrated" and am the center of the party/attention. I don't find that enjoyable.

 

I can't speak for everyone but based on others on this thread -- I'm not alone in that.

 

You sound like the perfect person to be in the catering business. ;)  I prefer showing up at events where the food is all ready for me to eat, and then I get to sneak out and not have to do the dishes. 

 

Most of the parties I've attended, the lime light is only on the guest of honour until he/she makes the entrance, ensured everyone that they were surprised, and then they go on to eat and talk with people they like. Not all that much different than any other party, except in getting the person to attend. And if they don't normally attend parties, they are going to be annoyed they got tricked into attending. Kind of sounds like those who don't like surprise parties don't like any parties, and would be annoyed at having to attend.

[MEmama]

If you receive a surprise party you don't enjoy, you behave well anyway. If you're not the positive, gushing kind of person, then don't pretend to suddenly be. Enjoy yourself with (hopefully) friends, and don't worry about your hair, clothes, etc. not being perfect.

 

The good thing about being the recipient of a surprise party is that you didn't have to plan, clean or prepare for it!! You just show up and enjoy. What's not to like about that?

But...AGAIN...it ISNT ENJOYABLE FOR EVERYONE. Why is that so hard to understand?

 

No one here is saying surprise parties suck, just that they do for SOME people. It's valid to feel that way.

[wintermom]

But...AGAIN...it ISNT ENJOYABLE FOR EVERYONE. Why is that so hard to understand?

 

No one here is saying surprise parties suck, just that they do for SOME people. It's valid to feel that way.

 

Wow. Fine, I see that some people don't like them. You can still be polite if someone mistakenly throws you a surprise party. It's not like a practical joke, is it? Or hiding behind a corner waiting to scare you. Some people love getting those kinds of scares, and some don't. 

Edited August 24, 2016 by wintermom

[SanDiegoMom]

My husband surprised me once not with a party, but with a cruise. As in I thought we were going to spend a week at my parents house and instead we got there and dropped off my 4 year old daughter and left for a cruise. He loves big gestures and surprises. I was so mad. I really like routine, knowing what to expect, and I hate changes. I couldn't enjoy myself for the first two days because it takes me that long for my mindset to adjust! And the worry over leaving my daughter for the first time for days, not having the right clothes, and also not getting to look forward to something- half the fun sometimes is the expectation and I felt robbed of that. So no more vacation surprises.

 

Last week he surprised me with a cake and a few presents for my 40th birthday. It was the night before I was driving 13 hours with the kids to leave them with my parents to take my oldest on a college tour in CA. I was so stressed about the trip. I was worrying about missing him for two weeks, the kids were sad about leaving him and then me leaving after- so the cake and presents just made me bawl. I was hungry and not prepared. All the crying made the kids feel more anxious as well! So yeah, I don't do well with surprises and these didn't even involve anyone outside the family!

[rocassie]

I am not a surprise type of person nor do I like being the center of attention.  I do not enjoy putting on a happy face.  If it were a party that many people were at, I would be gracious until the guests went home.  No reason to air dirty laundry.  I do enjoy a party and would probably enjoy the party after the initial "surprise" died down.  I do not understand why it has to be a "surprise."  Why not tell me ahead of time so I can look forward to it?  You don't need to tell me all the details.

 

If I found out about a surprise party prior to it happening, I would not show up or I would stay home and greet guests as they come.  Essentially I would foil any attempt to surprise me.

[Lady Florida.]

I enjoy being at surprise parties if I know the honoree will enjoy it. I also don't mind parties in my honor, but I want to know about it in advance.

 

I didn't say in my pp, but I've had exactly one surprise party in my life. When I was a bartender (something I did when I quit teaching for a few years), the bar owner and some regular patrons (think the Cheers gang) decided to throw me one at the bar. The boss called and said one of the other bartenders called in sick, and could I come in to work? At least I was dressed nicely because I thought I'd be working. I was gracious but obviously they didn't know me as well as they thought they did or they wouldn't have done it.

[EmseB]

I'm sorry but my jaw is on the floor about being mad that dh would arrange childcare and take me on a surprise cruise. Of course I'd like a heads up on the wardrobe, but oh man I soooo would not care once I was on the boat.

 

And my brother and I used to walk to the Safeway every year and get a cake for my mom with our own money to surprise her when she got home from work. This thread made me think of those times, but I was thinking that kind of surprise is not what anyone meant by being upset by surprises.

 

To each their own, I suppose!

[Murphy101]

I'm sorry but my jaw is on the floor about being mad that dh would arrange childcare and take me on a surprise cruise. Of course I'd like a heads up on the wardrobe, but oh man I soooo would not care once I was on the boat.

 

And my brother and I used to walk to the Safeway every year and get a cake for my mom with our own money to surprise her when she got home from work. This thread made me think of those times, but I was thinking that kind of surprise is not what anyone meant by being upset by surprises.

 

To each their own, I suppose!

I'd freak out. I know there are a million things to do to plan for a trip and for young childcare for a week. And I know for a fact my dh, very participatory dad tho he is, wouldn't even think of half of them. And I rarely leave my little ones for more than a night. I would not be happy about it at all. I'd feel like dh just decided to up and change our lives to do what HE wanted.

 

But then again, I can't fathom dh ever even thinking of doing that to me either.

 

Now our youngest is 5 and he still wouldn't bc though I handle large family logistic all day every day, he doesn't and would need help organizing and planning a get away for us - which we have done several times the last couple years. The last trip was 4 days and it took 4 months to get it all organized. House/pet sitting, clear gap in calendar where kids didn't need shuttled to and fro, work time off, no cant be rescheduled dr appts...

[Annie G]

I'm sorry but my jaw is on the floor about being mad that dh would arrange childcare and take me on a surprise cruise. Of course I'd like a heads up on the wardrobe, but oh man I soooo would not care once I was on the boat.

 

 

To each their own, I suppose!

 

I really, really enjoy the anticipation and buildup before a trip so I would be disappointed to have missed that.  

 

A friend surprised her three kids with a trip to Disney for spring break. The oldest was a girl, age 12. She and her friends planned spring break fun...sleepovers, etc. So when the parents woke the kids up on day one of spring break and told them to get dressed and get in the car, she thought they were going to breakfast or something. When they got in the car the mom filmed the reveal and the daughter burst into tears.  She loved the trip and had a great time but had plans with her friends and felt like she was going to be missing the fun. It turned out fine...but I cringed when Mom posted that video on Facebook. 

[katilac]

 Kind of sounds like those who don't like surprise parties don't like any parties, and would be annoyed at having to attend.

 

Not me. I like parties and gatherings of most kinds, and I don't at all mind being the guest of honor. I just want to know about it first. 

 

I really, really enjoy the anticipation and buildup before a trip so I would be disappointed to have missed that.  

 

 

Me, too! I just posted in a recent thread that I possibly enjoy planning our Disney trips more than the trips themselves, lol. Anticipation is a huge part of the enjoyment for me. 

[EmseB]

I'd freak out. I know there are a million things to do to plan for a trip and for young childcare for a week. And I know for a fact my dh, very participatory dad tho he is, wouldn't even think of half of them. And I rarely leave my little ones for more than a night. I would not be happy about it at all. I'd feel like dh just decided to up and change our lives to do what HE wanted.

I suppose that's the difference, DH would (theoretically) surprise me with a trip because he would think it's what I wanted. I mean, it'd have to be some pretty dysfunctional relationship for someone to go to all the trouble of doing that in order to make their spouse mad. That is some heavy duty gaslighting if that's what's going on.

 

I also handle the day-to-day, but I have every confidence that DH could clear the schedule if he was going to do something like this.

 

I do so love planning trips, but I'm not gonna be bummed or mad if someone planned one for me; in my mind it's two different things. I don't have to be upset about one because it's not the other.

 

In case you can't tell, I'm very go with the flow, lol. If only the flow would include someone taking all my responsibilities for a week and putting me in a cruise ship!! :)

 

But all of this is tangential to the OP before. I just thought it was a really romantic notion for a husband to whisk his wife away from the daily grind to a fabulous indulgent vacation. That is how I picture it, anyway. But we are on our 3rd day of school for the year, so I gotta stop picturing it!!

 

ETA: I can picture myself anxiously adding "But what about the ... ?" over and over again if this happened, but I couldn't be mad if the big stuff was sorted out.

Edited August 24, 2016 by JodiSue

[Murphy101]

I wouldn't think my dh was a turd for wanting to whisk me away. And the first time he were to do something like she described, I'd be more shocked than angry bc that's just not how we do things with little ones. Because yeah, if he made a habit of doing stuff like that KNOWING how I'd feel, well I doubt we'd be pregnant right now. Lol

 

But a lot of this is relationship dynamics too. We have never ever had family we could leave our kids with for a day, much less to go on cruise. And we aren't leaving one or two, so that's a lot more to navigate too. I mean, our kids are pretty decent kids, but people weren't lining up to babysit 4+ children for a week for us. For most of our marriage it's just be me and him holding down the fort. After two decades of marriage, we are just now at the point of being able to feel comfortable in a weekend get away bc we have grown children who are happy to help out once in a while.

[Guest]

I'm very confident my DH would never, ever, ever plan a vacation and take care of everything and surprise me with it, like one of those, "All you need to know is pack for warm weather and we leave tomorrow at 7:30am." HaHaHaHaHaHa! He would never do that in my dizziest daydream. For starters, he doesn't care to travel, so itwould never rise to the level of HIM (not me) thinking we need to take a trip. He is also not the Executive Function member of our team, I am. The only trip we have ever taken that was by his design and not mine was our honeymoon and that only happened because one of those travel companies called him and he didn't have to plan anything at all. He just had to sign some papers and send a check.:D

[Murphy101]

I really, really enjoy the anticipation and buildup before a trip so I would be disappointed to have missed that.

 

A friend surprised her three kids with a trip to Disney for spring break. The oldest was a girl, age 12. She and her friends planned spring break fun...sleepovers, etc. So when the parents woke the kids up on day one of spring break and told them to get dressed and get in the car, she thought they were going to breakfast or something. When they got in the car the mom filmed the reveal and the daughter burst into tears. She loved the trip and had a great time but had plans with her friends and felt like she was going to be missing the fun. It turned out fine...but I cringed when Mom posted that video on Facebook.

Ugh. That's awful that she posted that. Smh.

 

I wonder if this is like the visceral reaction I have to those recordings of people coming out of sedation and being all loopy headed. I despise those things. It actually makes me angry. I don't find them amusing at all. I think it's a betrayal of trust, but the victim is basicly placed in a situation where they don't have much choice but to appreciate it's "all in good fun" or they get ridiculed for supposedly not having a sense of humor. *cringe*

Edited August 24, 2016 by Murphy101

[EmseB]

I wouldn't think my dh was a turd for wanting to whisk me away. And the first time he were to do something like she described, I'd be more shocked than angry bc that's just not how we do things with little ones. Because yeah, if he made a habit of doing stuff like that KNOWING how I'd feel, well I doubt we'd be pregnant right now. Lol

 

But a lot of this is relationship dynamics too. We have never ever had family we could leave our kids with for a day, much less to go on cruise. And we aren't leaving one or two, so that's a lot more to navigate too. I mean, our kids are pretty decent kids, but people weren't lining up to babysit 4+ children for a week for us. For most of our marriage it's just be me and him holding down the fort. After two decades of marriage, we are just now at the point of being able to feel comfortable in a weekend get away bc we have grown children who are happy to help out once in a while.

I totally identify with your second paragraph. We are military and only once in 10+ years have we lived near (less than a four hour drive) family I trusted. And the last time we took a big vacation for just the two of us was when we only had two kids. Leaving four would be tricky.

[Carrie Sue]

When this happened to me, I acted like I was happy (dh knew I wasn't), then bawled all the way home and demanded he start planning a vacation for our family.  (Since the party cost as much as the trip I'd wanted to take that "we can't afford").  Boy, was I ever mad.

[Onceuponatime]

It's not like a practical joke, is it? Or hiding behind a corner waiting to scare you. Some people love getting those kinds of scares, and some don't.

That's pretty much what it would feel like to me. People are literally hiding behind corners to jump out at you. The difference is subjective and in the head of the jumpers out. The people being jumped out at may feel the same fight or flight response with an automatic follow up of tears or anger.

 

Surprises can cause uncontrollable reactions. Some people hate the feeling that others are taking away the power they have over themselves and their own lives. There are many reasons for that, some related to past relationship dynamics or trauma.

[HS Mom in NC]

 

I also don't see the big deal about the singing in restaurants.  Who cares?  No one.  No one cares.  'Get over yourself,' is how I feel about it on the inside, though I would try to be understanding on the outside.  But I don't get the discomfort.  Just sit there with a gentle smile or pleasant expression, say, "Thanks," and eat the dessert. 

 

In the family culture I grew up in, birthdays with candles, singing and "being little miss special for a day" are for children-young ones. From the time you're a late teen into adulthood you and friends go to a special activity (movie, play, ice skating, paint balling, etc.)  or by adulthood something low key like going out to dinner.  No fuss, no candles, no singing. So having strangers making a fuss like we're a 6 year old is embarrassing to some of us. It's not perceived as adult behavior to want strangers to serenade you on the anniversary of your birth. Not only are we embarrassed for ourselves being subjected to such nonsense, we're embarrassed for the poor employees who have to do the singing.  Add in the layer of making it a spectacle so every other stranger in the room knows it's our "special day," and it looks an awful lot to some of us like the birthday person is in desperate need of attention.  Many of us think, "Get over yourself"  when see this happening in public.  The whole restaurant doesn't need to know it's my birthday with a song anymore than they need to know it's my birthday with an, "It's my birthday today!" ribbon pinned on my shirt for all the world to see.

 

At least that's my take and I know some other people who have verbalized similar thoughts on the subject. I'm sure there are other points of view in the "don't sing to me in restaurants" camp.

 

That doesn't mean a person being subjected to such nonsense shouldn't be polite, gracious, and appreciative but as I stated upthread, adults should really be able to grasp that different people can have very different reactions to the same situation and it's an important aspect of personal development to be able to keep it in mind when doing something for someone else.

[6packofun]

I don't gush, so I'd be thankful and very kind--because presumably the people invited aren't the ones in my life who annoy me?  LOL

 

I have to say that I know from personal experience how difficult it is to be thrown a surprise party by the one person in the universe who SHOULD have known better.  But it was an anniversary party and so as one half of the couple, I guess he was allowed.  But honestly, I felt so...not KNOWN by dh for him to have thought it was even a possible idea.  Does that make sense?  Like, the ONE thing I wouldn't like is what he did!!  *sigh*  And so for all appearances he's this generous, great guy, but I'm sorry, I know that he was doing it for himself and/or without any real regard for me.  Yes, he loves me and wanted to celebrate; I get it.  But when the first thing I heard from him after getting over the shock was a whispered, "You're not TOO mad, are you?" it's kind of obvious that my feelings didn't factor in.  

 

And I still haven't been able to tell him that I really didn't enjoy it at all.  :(  I doubt he'd do it again, but I suppose after another few years have passed I'll be brave enough to tell him not to?  lol  A woman I know--and with whom I disagree heartily on so many life issues--said something wise to me that day after she asked me how I felt and I was honest with her (privately).  She said about me sucking it up about the party: "And that's your gift to HIM."  :)  Yep! So that's what I did!  But do I have to suck it up forever?  :P  lol

[PeacefulChaos]

I've never had one.  But I would love it.  I'd be like 'YAY LET'S PARTY!'  :lol: :lol:

[heartlikealion]

I think there's too much room for things to be awkward :lol:

 

On TV sometimes they look very cool... everyone hiding and yelling "surprise!" but in reality I don't know how many go that way. When I was a kid one was thrown for me. I felt really awkward. Someone in our family threw one for a family member after they had played tennis. Not really cool to show up at your house covered in sweat and have guests waiting to greet you.

 

For the right individual I think they could be great. Someone that enjoys surprises and doesn't mind being the center of attention.

[Murphy101]

When this happened to me, I acted like I was happy (dh knew I wasn't), then bawled all the way home and demanded he start planning a vacation for our family. (Since the party cost as much as the trip I'd wanted to take that "we can't afford"). Boy, was I ever mad.

Oh wow. THAT Would make me furious too. I don't want people close to me spending excessively on me. Especially dh. I know our finances and it would literally make me nauseated to think of the wasted funds that could have been used to fix something around the house or the van, or pay for something the kids need or or or.

[Murphy101]

In the family culture I grew up in, birthdays with candles, singing and "being little miss special for a day" are for children-young ones. From the time you're a late teen into adulthood you and friends go to a special activity (movie, play, ice skating, paint balling, etc.) or by adulthood something low key like going out to dinner. No fuss, no candles, no singing. So having strangers making a fuss like we're a 6 year old is embarrassing to some of us. It's not perceived as adult behavior to want strangers to serenade you on the anniversary of your birth. Not only are we embarrassed for ourselves being subjected to such nonsense, we're embarrassed for the poor employees who have to do the singing. Add in the layer of making it a spectacle so every other stranger in the room knows it's our "special day," and it looks an awful lot to some of us like the birthday person is in desperate need of attention. Many of us think, "Get over yourself" when see this happening in public. The whole restaurant doesn't need to know it's my birthday with a song anymore than they need to know it's my birthday with an, "It's my birthday today!" ribbon pinned on my shirt for all the world to see.

 

At least that's my take and I know some other people who have verbalized similar thoughts on the subject. I'm sure there are other points of view in the "don't sing to me in restaurants" camp.

 

That doesn't mean a person being subjected to such nonsense shouldn't be polite, gracious, and appreciative but as I stated upthread, adults should really be able to grasp that different people can have very different reactions to the same situation and it's an important aspect of personal development to be able to keep it in mind when doing something for someone else.

I don't think that if other people, but you might be on to something there. In my FOO, birthday parties and gift giving in general just... Those are for very small children and even then it's not a lot of fan fair. At about 12, no one gets Santa gifts or parties or Easter baskets and Halloween costumes. Celebration is usually a dinner (maybe just a nice one at home) or a movie is about it. The entire concept of grown adults expecting to do that or have it done for them is just... Not there. It's a complete non issue that never comes up. And yes, all of them when thrown into social situations where it's expected feel extremely fish out of water uncomfortable. It's just not done. Gifts might be given at various times, but it's usually done quietly without pomp bc to bring attention to it would be to make the gift about the giver, not the receiver.

Edited August 24, 2016 by Murphy101

[Guest]

Wow. Fine, I see that some people don't like them. You can still be polite if someone mistakenly throws you a surprise party. It's not like a practical joke, is it? Or hiding behind a corner waiting to scare you. Some people love getting those kinds of scares, and some don't.

In the OP situation, it wasn't jump out and scare the honoree. They drove up in a car, were nicely dressed (so obviously didn't think it was an ordinary night) and the guest of honor stood uncertainly beside the car when she could see there were people in the yard. Then someone on the audio bid her to come over and blurted out some well wishes. The honoree was not very gracious and I thought it was rather rude. It never ocurred to me that a large segment of the population (at least here, lol!) would also think it was horrible to be the guest of honor at a surprise party.

 

I've attended at least a dozen parties (usually showers) that were a surprise and I have never seen anyone look upset or embarrassed. One in a while, the honoree was not that surprised because they figured it out, but I've never seen angry guests of honor. Well, until now, with this recent one.

[Garga]

I have been to surprise parties and the honoree seemed surprised, taken aback, but then seemed ok with it, doing things like laughing about the surprise of it all.

 

Now I figure they were probably lying about their feelings and went home and cried.

 

How many people have I thought I was being sweet to by attending their surprise party, but I was actually hurting them? And they were resentful or even furious about the whole thing, but faking it? I tell you, lately I'm honestly scared of every interaction I have with anyone anymore and I don't feel that I can trust the face that people present. There have been so many threads over the past couple of years where I find out that people are secretly angry or irritated about things and I never would have suspected it.

[heartlikealion]

In the OP situation, it wasn't jump out and scare the honoree. They drove up in a car, were nicely dressed (so obviously didn't think it was an ordinary night) and the guest of honor stood uncertainly beside the car when she could see there were people in the yard. Then someone on the audio bid her to come over and blurted out some well wishes. The honoree was not very gracious and I thought it was rather rude. It never ocurred to me that a large segment of the population (at least here, lol!) would also think it was horrible to be the guest of honor at a surprise party.

 

I've attended at least a dozen parties (usually showers) that were a surprise and I have never seen anyone look upset or embarrassed. One in a while, the honoree was not that surprised because they figured it out, but I've never seen angry guests of honor. Well, until now, with this recent one.

 

Not sure if it's relevant or not but I can see a baby shower possibly being easier for some to accept because it's about the baby, takes a little focus off the adult honoree. And you probably need stuff for the baby. I'm not sure if we're talking about a party with gift giving in the case of the adult surprise party, but that aspect of parties is sometimes super awkward. At Christmas sometimes I get super nervous to open gifts in front of a room full of people awaiting a reaction.

Edited August 24, 2016 by heartlikealion

[rdj2027]

If you receive a surprise party you don't enjoy, you behave well anyway. If you're not the positive, gushing kind of person, then don't pretend to suddenly be. Enjoy yourself with (hopefully) friends, and don't worry about your hair, clothes, etc. not being perfect. 

 

The good thing about being the recipient of a surprise party is that you didn't have to plan, clean or prepare for it!! You just show up and enjoy. What's not to like about that?

I am not worrying about my hair.  Crowds, noises, unexpected changes make me physically uncomfortable and kick my anxiety into high gear which ends in heart palpations, light headedness and breathing difficulties.  It is really hard to act like I am enjoying this under those circumstances.  There is a reason when I ask people to not surprise me, scare me form behind or play mind games with me.

 

Frankly, we have the whole debate that "No" means "No", why should it be different for other areas of life?

[Garga]

nm

 

 

Edited August 24, 2016 by Garga

[GoodGrief]

I shared upthread about the origin of my hate for surprise parties, but after reading some responses by people who just don't get it, I want to say a bit more. My specific reaction to surprise parties (and I've had several...for whatever reason, people feel compelled to throw them for me, or at least they used to) is to start crying...not tears of joy/happiness. It's nothing I can control in the moment; it's embarrassing and awkward for everyone. I'd love to be able to just suck it up and be polite, and I doubt anyone expects that reaction from me because I am a very emotionally controlled person in general. But it is what it is. So I can either stand there and cry, or I can turn around and leave.

 

And let me emphasize, I am not a depressed or anxious person. But surprise parties, man. Just no.

 

For the person who was feeling badly or whatever that they had never considered that people might feel this way, I say that's why threads like this are positive! It's interesting to come to new realizations about people.

Edited August 25, 2016 by Gr8lander

[Seasider]

I've never had one. My husband and kids know better than to throw me one, so I am probably safe.

 

What would I do? I don't think I would gush. I would act pleased but not overly so. And after it was all over I would tell the person who put the party on never to do that to me again.

This is how I would react. I really hate them and my husband and kids know this about me. If I did have a surprise something, I would probably cry. Let them think they are happy tears. But I will know otherwise.

[Seasider]

The year I married my husband, he took me to my dad's for a birthday cookout with my dad and stepmom.

 

The doorbell rang. A college friend who happened to be in town heard we were nearby and stopped in to say happy birthday.

 

The doorbell rang. My dh's best friend and his wife were driving by, saw our car, and stopped by to say happy birthday.

 

The doorbell rang. A childhood friend who was visiting his parents nearby decided to swing by and tell me happy birthday.

 

The doorbell rang. One of my very best friends, who lives in a completely different country, had happened to fly in to wish me a happy birthday.

 

In all, eleven friends (+ husband, dad, and stepmom) surprised me.

 

It remains one of the greatest things anyone ever did for me.

This is actually a beautiful example of what a surprise celebration should be like.

 

You were dressed and prepared for an outing.

 

You didn't have to worry about whether or not your own home was clean.

 

A huge crowd didn't jump out and shock you while someone took photos of your scared startled face.

 

This kind of surprise, I could handle. Lovely.

[Murphy101]

I have been to surprise parties and the honoree seemed surprised, taken aback, but then seemed ok with it, doing things like laughing about the surprise of it all.

 

Now I figure they were probably lying about their feelings and went home and cried.

 

How many people have I thought I was being sweet to by attending their surprise party, but I was actually hurting them? And they were resentful or even furious about the whole thing, but faking it? I tell you, lately I'm honestly scared of every interaction I have with anyone anymore and I don't feel that I can trust the face that people present. There have been so many threads over the past couple of years where I find out that people are secretly angry or irritated about things and I never would have suspected it.

Why would you think that? I wouldn't presume every one would just love a surprise party or that anyone is going home to cry bc they hated it and resent whoever threw it for them.

 

If you thought they'd love it and they seemed happy, then presume that is the case.

 

The worst that anyone should take away from this thread is:

 

Contact someone much closer to the honoree to be sure it would be genuinely enjoyed and respect that it isn't for everyone.

 

And possibly:

 

Turn the blasted video recorders and cameras off bc most people are not going to appreciate you trying to turn what was supposedly about giving them a happy a memory into some kind of Internet meme of shame.

[Garga]

Why would you think that? I wouldn't presume every one would just love a surprise party or that anyone is going home to cry bc they hated it and resent whoever threw it for them.

 

If you thought they'd love it and they seemed happy, then presume that is the case.

 

The worst that anyone should take away from this thread is:

 

Contact someone much closer to the honoree to be sure it would be genuinely enjoyed and respect that it isn't for everyone.

 

And possibly:

 

Turn the blasted video recorders and cameras off bc most people are not going to appreciate you trying to turn what was supposedly about giving them a happy a memory into some kind of Internet meme of shame.

Why would I think that? Because almost every person on this thread has said that if they had a surprise party they didn't want, they'd fake it and pretend they liked it. Why would I think people I've known liked their parties? Only one person answered that she'd love a surprise party on this thread.

 

So, yeah. I kinda think that for the few surprise parties I went to, that there was a pretty good chance the honoree was not happy about it after all, unless this thread is wildly skewed and only people who hate surprises answered. Sure, that could happen, but I still wonder who went home upset from the parties I've been to.

 

And I usually had no idea if they'd love it or not. I was just invited and accepted an invitation. I didn't throw any of them. I'd have no idea whether they'd like it or not. Because frankly, before this thread, I'd have had no idea that so many people hate them so much. It just isn't on my radar at all. No one has ever brought up the subject of surprise parties to me ever. So, if I got an invitation to one, I just went. I did enjoy my surprise baby shower. No one else has thrown me any other surprise parties, so I don't really know what it would be like to get one that's not for a baby. About 80% of the baby showers I've been to have been surprises. I thought that was just standard.

 

So, yeah. I'm surprised by this thread. And yes, I do absolutely wonder if anyone went home and cried at any event I've been to. And I feel bad that what I thought was a sweet gesture turns out to be something that people actually hate. I feel pretty bad about it to be honest. I hate the thought that people have been upset by something I've done.

 

Now, sure, maybe they were all fine with it, but if I read this thread, I'd say that's unlikely. I know it was all in innocence, but I still feel bad that someone I care about felt bad. I think that's normal and compassionate for me to feel this way.

 

I will surely ask people close to the honoree what they feel about surprises in the future, if I'm ever invited to one again.

Edited August 25, 2016 by Garga

[Garga]

Also, it's ok if you (general you) hate them. It really is. I just didn't know that so many people hated them so much. And yes, it has been good to hear this so I know not to torment any friends with them in the future. :)

 

I do learn a lot here, and I've certainly changed my stance on many things after reading threads here. But I still do find that I've become much more intimidated by people lately because I now see just how many ways I can misstep and hurt people. Yikes! So many things that I've thought were ok I've found out are Just Not. What else am I doing that bothers others? It makes me wonder.