Do you like a surprise party? What happens if you don't but you receive one?

[HRAAB]

If you don't know for a fact that person you are throwing a surprise party for would truly like having a surprise party, please do them the favor of at least asking their spouse or someone close to them if it would be okay.  Or, just ask the person if it would be okay if you hosted a party in their honor.  If a you're giving a party for someone and it's really because that person is important and special, I would think the last thing you would want to do is make that person feel uncomfortable and anxious.  'You' isn't any specific person in this thread.

 

I've noticed over my life the people who throw surprise parties are the ones who would love to have a surprise party thrown for them.  What is one person's idea of the most perfect celebration could be another person's worst time ever.

[Murphy101]

Garga - you know what though? If you didn't even throw it for them, then you are certainly off the hook for blame. And if they don't let those close to them (or closer than you) know how they feel, then at some point, the blame for their own misery is on them.

 

I have an obligation to not just get pissy. I have an obligation to speak up to those I'm close to, partly bc I'm not sure how genuine closeness is achieved otherwise. And partly bc if I don't like something, but never say anything, I have no one to blame but myself at some point. Sure. Be polite socially. But there's no reason to not say later, to a spouse or parent or whatever, that hey, I understand you thought it'd be great and I tried to make the best of it, but seriously please don't let someone do that for me again.

 

I know many married couples do this and, personally, I think it's nuts. If my dh does something I really dislike, I'm not going to get furious with him unless he knew it would upset me. If he didn't know? I have a choice to make. Choose at least in the moment to let him enjoy doing something he thinks is nice for me and tell him later that really no thanks. Or I can decide that it's okay and pretend as best I can for his sake. But it is not a valid option to me to simmer with resentment over something I never explained to him. That'd be completely unreasonable of me and unkind to him.

 

So if they seemed happy and never mention they weren't happy, then you should assume they were. And if they weren't? Well that's for them to speak up for themselves to those closest to them so this doesn't become a recurring dilemma for them.

 

If you read this thread, you'll also see that most of the resentment mentioned in this thread is not about oblivious well wishers who didn't know better. Most of that strong sentiment is reserved for those who either were not at all oblivious to the honorees dislike and or who ended up not really being all that well wishing in their actions.

Edited August 25, 2016 by Murphy101

[katilac]

And I usually had no idea if they'd love it or not. I was just invited and accepted an invitation.  

 

 

No one's going to be upset with the guests who accepted an invitation. If they're upset, it's going to be at the person/people who organized the party when they should have known better. Like, no one in my family could ever claim they thought I would like it, lol, so yes, I would be annoyed with them. 

[nd293]

It's not like a practical joke, is it? Or hiding behind a corner waiting to scare you. Some people love getting those kinds of scares, and some don't.

It's exactly like that, actually. Putting someone who doesn't want to be in the centre of attention or caught unprepared in a situation where they will be, is exactly and precisely like playing a practical joke on them. And it is exactly like someone waiting around a corner to scare you, because, as you said, "Some people love getting those kinds of [surprises], and some don't."

[MistyMountain]

Why would I think that? Because almost every person on this thread has said that if they had a surprise party they didn't want, they'd fake it and pretend they liked it. Why would I think people I've known liked their parties? Only one person answered that she'd love a surprise party on this thread.

 

So, yeah. I kinda think that for the few surprise parties I went to, that there was a pretty good chance the honoree was not happy about it after all, unless this thread is wildly skewed and only people who hate surprises answered. Sure, that could happen, but I still wonder who went home upset from the parties I've been to.

 

And I usually had no idea if they'd love it or not. I was just invited and accepted an invitation. I didn't throw any of them. I'd have no idea whether they'd like it or not. Because frankly, before this thread, I'd have had no idea that so many people hate them so much. It just isn't on my radar at all. No one has ever brought up the subject of surprise parties to me ever. So, if I got an invitation to one, I just went. I did enjoy my surprise baby shower. No one else has thrown me any other surprise parties, so I don't really know what it would be like to get one that's not for a baby. About 80% of the baby showers I've been to have been surprises. I thought that was just standard.

 

So, yeah. I'm surprised by this thread. And yes, I do absolutely wonder if anyone went home and cried at any event I've been to. And I feel bad that what I thought was a sweet gesture turns out to be something that people actually hate. I feel pretty bad about it to be honest. I hate the thought that people have been upset by something I've done.

 

Now, sure, maybe they were all fine with it, but if I read this thread, I'd say that's unlikely. I know it was all in innocence, but I still feel bad that someone I care about felt bad. I think that's normal and compassionate for me to feel this way.

 

I will surely ask people close to the honoree what they feel about surprises in the future, if I'm ever invited to one again.

I think the thread is skewed because there are a lot more INTJ and similar types on a forum like this then in the general population where it is a rare type. Also the title and post itself probably probably attracted the people who do not like surprise parties.

[madteaparty]

I'm sorry but my jaw is on the floor about being mad that dh would arrange childcare and take me on a surprise cruise. Of course I'd like a heads up on the wardrobe, but oh man I soooo would not care once I was on the boat.

 

And my brother and I used to walk to the Safeway every year and get a cake for my mom with our own money to surprise her when she got home from work. This thread made me think of those times, but I was thinking that kind of surprise is not what anyone meant by being upset by surprises.

 

To each their own, I suppose!

What if you hate cruises?

[EmseB]

I wrote a response and it got eaten.

 

Shorter: if I hated cruises and my spouse knew this and spent thousands of dollars on one without telling me and then made me go on one because it was already planned, then that would be a seriously dysfunctional relationship.

[Valley Girl]

 

 

 

So, yeah. I'm surprised by this thread. And yes, I do absolutely wonder if anyone went home and cried at any event I've been to. And I feel bad that what I thought was a sweet gesture turns out to be something that people actually hate. I feel pretty bad about it to be honest. I hate the thought that people have been upset by something I've done.

 

Now, sure, maybe they were all fine with it, but if I read this thread, I'd say that's unlikely. I know it was all in innocence, but I still feel bad that someone I care about felt bad. I think that's normal and compassionate for me to feel this way.

 

I will surely ask people close to the honoree what they feel about surprises in the future, if I'm ever invited to one again.

 

It is normal and compassionate. But if you weren't planning the party, then it's not on you to determine whether or not that type of event is welcome. You have to assume that the host has taken care of that kind of important detail. That is his/her responsibility, not yours to worry about. You did your part by keeping the secret and coming to the party with good wishes. Murphy 101 has great advice for the take-away on this kind of thing if you ever decide to host one. But please don't feel you have to shoulder responsibility you don't have. That's not fair either.

 

[MEmama]

Also, it's ok if you (general you) hate them. It really is. I just didn't know that so many people hated them so much. And yes, it has been good to hear this so I know not to torment any friends with them in the future. :)

 

I do learn a lot here, and I've certainly changed my stance on many things after reading threads here. But I still do find that I've become much more intimidated by people lately because I now see just how many ways I can misstep and hurt people. Yikes! So many things that I've thought were ok I've found out are Just Not. What else am I doing that bothers others? It makes me wonder.

I learn a lot here too, and I'm really grateful for it. I'm always seeking to understand differing opinions and beliefs, and this forum is an incredible source. I've started thinking of the Hive during certain social situations in an effort to consider various angles that may not come naturally to me. :)

 

Please don't feel concerned about this topic though. Like others have said, the dislike typically stems from having that known dislike for surprise parties/being the center of attention totally ignored and flaunted by the host. It's very passive aggressive and hurtful behavior. However, it has no bearing on attendees of said party or if the host (honestly) didn't know.

[Guest]

No one's going to be upset with the guests who accepted an invitation. If they're upset, it's going to be at the person/people who organized the party when they should have known better. Like, no one in my family could ever claim they thought I would like it, lol, so yes, I would be annoyed with them.

Alright, but let me ask this: in the event related in the OP, the honoree who (now clearly) does NOT like a surprise party has herself thrown surprise parties. I know she definitely threw a surprise birthday party for her DH on reaching a milestone birthday. She has also been the party thrower for several showers. So, isn't this muddying the waters? If you hate being the honoree at one, I think you should set no precedent that this is a "thing you do."

 

I mean it sincerely, this thread has informed me that I am never throwing a surprise party. Never ever. If the person I wish to have a party for says they do not want a party, I am going to 100% take that at face value and not give them one.

[EmseB]

Alright, but let me ask this: in the event related in the OP, the honoree who (now clearly) does NOT like a surprise party has herself thrown surprise parties. I know she definitely threw a surprise birthday party for her DH on reaching a milestone birthday. She has also been the party thrower for several showers. So, isn't this muddying the waters? If you hate being the honoree at one, I think you should set no precedent that this is a "thing you do."

 

I mean it sincerely, this thread has informed me that I am never throwing a surprise party. Never ever. If the person I wish to have a party for says they do not want a party, I am going to 100% take that at face value and not give them one.

 

Wow...it seems like that would be a viable defense:  "You threw a surprise party for so-and-so, we thought you'd like one."  Maybe she was just having a bad day?

 

I hope the family fall-out is not too bad.  :(

[Murphy101]

Alright, but let me ask this: in the event related in the OP, the honoree who (now clearly) does NOT like a surprise party has herself thrown surprise parties. I know she definitely threw a surprise birthday party for her DH on reaching a milestone birthday. She has also been the party thrower for several showers. So, isn't this muddying the waters? If you hate being the honoree at one, I think you should set no precedent that this is a "thing you do."

 

I mean it sincerely, this thread has informed me that I am never throwing a surprise party. Never ever. If the person I wish to have a party for says they do not want a party, I am going to 100% take that at face value and not give them one.

Huh?

 

My dh likes to home brew beer.

So for HIS birthday, I'll buy him a nice beer or maybe beer brewing stuff.

This does not even slightly muddy the water on whether I like beer - it's well established to anyone who knows me that I A) don't like beer and furthermore B) dislike all carbonated beverages in general.

 

Why would being okay doing something for someone else that one knows that someone likes be in any way construed as the person doing it must like it too? *confused*

 

I'd never presume that.

 

I do things I don't personally like or enjoy for other people bc I want to do something FOR them that THEY will like. It's not about me. The "thing I do" is try to make the OTHER person happy. It's not about whether I like parties or throwing them or whatever. I do not give a gift bc I like it. I give it bc I sincerely hope they will like it.

Edited August 25, 2016 by Murphy101

[rocassie]

Alright, but let me ask this: in the event related in the OP, the honoree who (now clearly) does NOT like a surprise party has herself thrown surprise parties. I know she definitely threw a surprise birthday party for her DH on reaching a milestone birthday. She has also been the party thrower for several showers. So, isn't this muddying the waters? If you hate being the honoree at one, I think you should set no precedent that this is a "thing you do."

 

I mean it sincerely, this thread has informed me that I am never throwing a surprise party. Never ever. If the person I wish to have a party for says they do not want a party, I am going to 100% take that at face value and not give them one.

My BFF loves surprise parties and surprises in general.  I on the other hand not so much.  I have planned several surprise parties for her...because SHE loves them.  I've also done regular parties for her, and semi-surprise parties (she knows she's attending an event in her honor but not the details or that I've invited others.)

 

As far as I'm concerned, a party that is meant for the honoree should be for the honoree.  Invite people they would want to see and socialize.  Have it at a venue they would enjoy.  Give them as much or as little information as would make them comfortable and/or look forward to the event.

 

Because I don't like surprise parties, I NEVER plan one unless the person whom the party is intended, I KNOW would love and enjoy it.

[Guest]

Huh?

 

My dh likes to home brew beer.

So for HIS birthday, I'll buy him a nice beer or maybe beer brewing stuff.

This does not even slightly muddy the water on whether I like beer - it's well established to anyone who knows me that I A) don't like beer and furthermore B) dislike all carbonated beverages in general.

 

Why would being okay doing something for someone else that one knows that someone likes be in any way construed as the person doing it must like it too? *confused*

 

I'd never presume that.

 

I do things I don't personally like or enjoy for other people bc I want to do something FOR them that THEY will like. It's not about me. The "thing I do" is try to make the OTHER person happy. It's not about whether I like parties or throwing them or whatever. I do not give a gift bc I like it. I give it bc I sincerely hope they will like it.

Because. If I was known to be a big party-thrower (I'm not) and I had thrown surprise parties for others, it's not hard to imagine that my friend, or adult child, or whomever, might figure, "Cool. Quill is a fan of parties and has thrown surprise parties before. How 'bout *we* will surprise *her* this time?" It wouldn't be strange to make the assumption that I would like a surprise party since I have thrown them before.

 

I don't think all spouses or SO or best friends or adult kids are necessarily going to know whether or not their potential honoree would think a surprise party was awesome or the doorway to hell. One is not going to ask when a party would make sense. So if I know Martha is turning forty next month and she has thrown surprise parties before, I might (wrongly) imagine she would like this All In Good Fun sort of thing. I'm not going to ask her, a month before she turns forty if she DOES like a surprise party, because that would be an obvious hint that I or someone is considering throwing one. All I would have to go on is past example, so if you have thrown them before, I might imagine you are fine with receiving them. Wrongly, apparently.

[rimk3]

The part of my personality that would not enjoy a surprise party is also the part of my personality that would make an effort to pretend I'm enjoying myself.  I am not an assertive person and I hate conflict.  I want to make sure everyone is comfortable and there is no conflict.  I would go home and cry afterward, or sleep for a day.  Now, I don't dislike all parties and I can be very chatty, but when I know that I'm going to be around a lot of people socializing, I need to have my energy bank and my emotional bank filed up before I get to the party.  If I go into a situation already depleted, I will either snap at someone later (usually dh, poor guy), cry, or get physically sick (usually a cold).  Furthermore, if I go into a situation already depleted and it was a surprise, I'm sure there would be real physical shock to my body.  It sounds extreme, but these reactions are common for lots of introverts (not all).  That's why I'm not surprised that some people have reactions that seem rude.  I think I could keep those feelings inside, thus adding to the exhaustion and stress on my mind and body.  

 

Having said all that, I've learned that at some point if I'm unwilling to set boundaries and will not speak up for myself, then I can end up with misplaced resentment.  I have learned to say "that's not my thing' or "I'm uncomfortable with that" and most of the time nothing bad happens and I no longer feel like something is wrong with me.  But it takes courage for me to do that.  So, I would like to kindly offer to those that don't like things like surprise parities, to make sure you speak up for yourself.  However, sometimes we don't always know if we will enjoy something until it happens.  So, maybe the person in the OP had no idea they would feel that way until it happened.  That happened to me on my wedding day.  I had no idea I would panic having to stand up in front of 400 people for 45 min.  I only remember repeating in my head to breath and not pass out.  I don't even remember saying vows.  Oh, and I did cry when it was over.  It was so exhausting.  lol.  And those that do like surprise parties or singing at restaurants that if someone says, "no thank you" they may have had to put on their brave pants just to be able to say no and if you push or shame, they may not speak up next time.  Then there is lost trust and resentment, most likely on both sides.  And that's why surprise parties are tricky, no option for communication.  

 

On a side note, I do like some surprises.  Like when dh brings home dinner or an iMac.  Those are amazing surprises!  I did enjoy the surprise news of twins, but it did shock me and I did cry (not tears of joy either) because the body does weird things sometimes.  

 

ETA:  I also don't enjoy attending surprise parties that much to be honest.  There is way too much anxious energy in the room.  I can settle once the surprise part is over the honoree is happy with the party and I'm pretty good at picking up when someone is pretending to be okay with something and that's hard.  I'm a total sponge INFJ.

Edited August 25, 2016 by rimk3

[Annie G]

Gosh, Quill, I would have thought the same thing- if the lady has herself thrown surprise parties I think it might be safe to assume she would be ok being the recipient of one. 

 

The things I learn here. 

[Scarlett]

I haven't read most replies.....but I would say that if I was prepared for a celebration....to the point I was ready to go to dinner....then a surprise party would be ok with me. But I don't like surprises in general.

 

My parents just showed up from 3 hours away when I had the flu. I know they intended to help but it didn't. At all. It was horrible.

[EmseB]

I think giving a gift is different than an activity like a party.

 

If I'm giving a gift, it says nothing about me, but if I'm participating in or organizing an event (even if it's for another person), it can reasonably look, from the outside like I enjoy that type of event. To the point that people wouldn't think of asking me if I did like it because they saw me enjoying it so much.

 

To use the earlier example, I can give my DH beer without having to drink any. I can't throw a surprise party without partying or surprising. To put it another way, if I hated white water rafting and it made me horribly anxious I would not organize a rafting trip with me as the main guide. And if I did, I certainly wouldnt be peeved if people got the impression that I liked rafting.

[ThursdayNext]

I do not like surprises! I've had 2 surprise parties in my life, and both of them made me cringe. I can't gush, not the type, and have no poker face. I'm sure the embarrassment is written all over my face. I hate being the center of attention in the first place, and when I'm not mentally prepared, it's awful. I can't even handle drop-by visitors. Part of it is that I'm an introvert, so if I've exhausted my social energy and am faced with unexpected people, I don't cope well.

 

One surprise party was at midnight on my 18th birthday. I'd just got out of the shower. My wet hair was plastered to my head, and I was sporting slight mascara raccoon eyes. I was just slipping into plaid pajama pants and an old shirt (of course no bra) when my friend grabbed me and brought me to the bonfire party. The cover was that it was an emergency. All the guys and girls in our group were waiting to call out "Surprise! Happy birthday!"

Who wouldn't love that? Especially when I was the only one in pajamas. Yeah. I spent the evening with my arms crossed over my chest to hide my "high beams" and wondering how bad I looked.

[Murphy101]

I think giving a gift is different than an activity like a party.

 

If I'm giving a gift, it says nothing about me, but if I'm participating in or organizing an event (even if it's for another person), it can reasonably look, from the outside like I enjoy that type of event. To the point that people wouldn't think of asking me if I did like it because they saw me enjoying it so much.

I suppose so. Possibly bc I don't like surprise parties, I go to such events put on by other people and think, "Wow. She must really love this person. She seems really happy with how well it's going for them and that they like it. That's sooo nice of her to do this for them. I bet she's exhausted and looking forward to being done."

 

Lol

[heartlikealion]

I enjoy helping plan parties. But I don't enjoy being the center of attention. So no, I don't think throwing a surprise party = enjoy being thrown a surprise party! That's like saying wedding planners want to get married lol. Who knows, two different things.

 

Why would I think that? Because almost every person on this thread has said that if they had a surprise party they didn't want, they'd fake it and pretend they liked it. Why would I think people I've known liked their parties? Only one person answered that she'd love a surprise party on this thread.

So, yeah. I kinda think that for the few surprise parties I went to, that there was a pretty good chance the honoree was not happy about it after all, unless this thread is wildly skewed and only people who hate surprises answered. Sure, that could happen, but I still wonder who went home upset from the parties I've been to.

And I usually had no idea if they'd love it or not. I was just invited and accepted an invitation. I didn't throw any of them. I'd have no idea whether they'd like it or not. Because frankly, before this thread, I'd have had no idea that so many people hate them so much. It just isn't on my radar at all. No one has ever brought up the subject of surprise parties to me ever. So, if I got an invitation to one, I just went. I did enjoy my surprise baby shower. No one else has thrown me any other surprise parties, so I don't really know what it would be like to get one that's not for a baby. About 80% of the baby showers I've been to have been surprises. I thought that was just standard.

So, yeah. I'm surprised by this thread. And yes, I do absolutely wonder if anyone went home and cried at any event I've been to. And I feel bad that what I thought was a sweet gesture turns out to be something that people actually hate. I feel pretty bad about it to be honest. I hate the thought that people have been upset by something I've done.

Now, sure, maybe they were all fine with it, but if I read this thread, I'd say that's unlikely. I know it was all in innocence, but I still feel bad that someone I care about felt bad. I think that's normal and compassionate for me to feel this way.

I will surely ask people close to the honoree what they feel about surprises in the future, if I'm ever invited to one again.

 

You just attended them, you didn't throw them. Please don't take it to heart so much.

[luuknam]

I think that if you throw surprise parties but don't like being surprised yourself, it'd be a very good idea to let everyone around you know. I think Martha's beer example is a little off - more like, if someone knits people sweaters etc as presents all the time, then it'd be a reasonable guess that they might like someone to knit a sweater for them once (or at least not hate it). People just tend to be a lot fussier with food/drinks as far as whether they like them or not.

 

Btw, I think that everyone hiding in the dark and jumping out saying 'surprise' is less likely to go over well than one of the more gentle surprise parties mentioned in this thread, such as more and more people just showing up at your house that happens to be clean etc, or everybody being at some restaurant that you thought was just going to be DH and you. If you want to see an epic startle reflex that takes minutes to recover from, throw me a hide in the dark and jump out surprise party and have your cameras at the ready, lol (I totally jump when I see a bunny in the yard while taking out the trash, and bunnies are not an uncommon occurrence in my yard).