Do you like a surprise party? What happens if you don't but you receive one?

[Annie G]

I can't believe how many people viscerally hate surprise parties. I knew there were people who didn't like the idea of them, but never would have guessed that it would make anyone mad. Especially not as mad as some people here are talking about. I can't figure out getting mad at a bunch of people getting together to celebrate me and putting in a large amount of effort to do so.

 

It's the surprise part that bothers some people. If my friends want to get together and throw a party for me, cool.  But what does the surprise part add to it? Stress for me, because I might not be dressed or mentally ready for being around a crowd. 

 

I guess the surprise parties I have been to have seemed more about the giver than the honored guest. Like, they tease the guest with all the ways they 'missed' the clues. Oh, you totally believed that we cancelled our regular Friday night bunco, you moron!  You were right beside me in the party store when I bought the party goods and you really believed I was buying them for a work party.  Or they joke that the person thought everyone had forgotten and was being grumpy all day. 

 

Nope. If you want to honor me, that's awesome. But a surprise element is not an enhancement.  It is for some people, but not for me. 

[ktgrok]

I'm really surprised (lol) that so many feel this way. I think I truly would gush. I would be so touched that my friends/family went to this effort to honor my (whatever ocassion), I would probably have watery eyes.

 

This. My best friend surprised me for my 30th birthday and it was awesome. Actually, I figure out the surprise about 2 hours early, and helped her finish getting ready, lol. But..there was another surprise. My boyfriend at the time (now DH) who was a long distance relationship had said he couldn't come...an issue with his younger brother that was totally legit sounding. But then he DID come, and it was awesome and I totally cried. 

[Guest]

I went to one that was totally embarassing to the guest of honor. His coworkers were invited, he hadnt showered and was dirty and sweaty from the outside chores he had been doing and the party throwers cheaped out. His coworkers came over right after work to find it was processed carbs and beer.... not his style at all. He greeted everyone, grabbed some crackers and dip, and just did as much socializing as he could, making the best of it. People were so hungry they left early, which I guess was a good thing. We sent the cakes home with the families that had children.

[fairfarmhand]

The year I married my husband, he took me to my dad's for a birthday cookout with my dad and stepmom.

 

The doorbell rang. A college friend who happened to be in town heard we were nearby and stopped in to say happy birthday.

 

The doorbell rang. My dh's best friend and his wife were driving by, saw our car, and stopped by to say happy birthday.

 

The doorbell rang. A childhood friend who was visiting his parents nearby decided to swing by and tell me happy birthday.

 

The doorbell rang. One of my very best friends, who lives in a completely different country, had happened to fly in to wish me a happy birthday.

 

In all, eleven friends (+ husband, dad, and stepmom) surprised me.

 

It remains one of the greatest things anyone ever did for me.

 

That is cool because it's one person at a time. If a room full of people popped out and surprised me, I'd probably be reduced to tears of shock and then utter embarrassment that I was bawling in front of all these people.

 

My family is under strict orders to NEVER throw me a surprise party.

[J-rap]

I can't believe how many people viscerally hate surprise parties. I knew there were people who didn't like the idea of them, but never would have guessed that it would make anyone mad. Especially not as mad as some people here are talking about. I can't figure out getting mad at a bunch of people getting together to celebrate me and putting in a large amount of effort to do so.

 

I was kind of thinking the same thing!

[JustEm]

I can't believe how many people viscerally hate surprise parties. I knew there were people who didn't like the idea of them, but never would have guessed that it would make anyone mad. Especially not as mad as some people here are talking about. I can't figure out getting mad at a bunch of people getting together to celebrate me and putting in a large amount of effort to do so.

It is the surprise aspect that would anger me because anyone who loves me enough to throw me a party should know I don't like surprises. So they either didn't actually know me well or chose to throw a surprise party because they wanted to not because they thought I'd like it.

 

I am perfectly fine with a normal party being thrown for me and I've had them thrown for me. They have been wondeful. A surprise one would create a very negative feeling in me.

[Truscifi]

I've also never had one, but I hope I would do my best to gush. I think I would like one, I'm just not a gusher.

[Murphy101]

No. I am not a surprise or a party kind of person. Never have been. I often think people don't do them for the honoree, but for themselves. If someone didn't know me very well, I'd try (and probably fail) to fake enthusiasm, but mentally I'd be wondering why this person who obviously doesn't know me very well decided to do this to me. If they knew me well, I'd have a hard time faking it bc I'd know they weren't really doing it for me since they should know that's not at all something I'd enjoy. I don't like crowds or lots of noise. (Yeah. I am aware of the irony of the good Lord giving me 10.7 kids.) I used to skip school on days when they had special events like pep rallies and fundraiser kick offs.

 

To me, the closest I'd ever get to a surprise party is having the entire clan (we are at the point where getting all 10 kids together for one event takes some serious logistical planning) and maybe a few good friends for dinner. It wouldn't even have to be all together. Just all of them at some point within oh about a 2 week span of my birthday would be good enough for me to call it a celebration.

 

My husband would be thrilled to have a surprise party of any kind. I'm a suck wife. Even throwing a surprise party is off putting to me.

 

But we don't feel this pressure so common these days to make everything such a big deal either. And yet, none of us seem to feel slighted or unloved. No big birthday parties. A simple cake and ice cream and nice dinner at home with a few gifts seems to be just fine. But there's 12.7 of us, so it's not like just us having a quiet simple celebration isn't more than most get anyways.😊

[Lady Florida.]

I hate surprise parties. HATE them. While I wouldn't be rude or hide, I also wouldn't gush. I'd smile through gritted teeth. 

 

No one who knows me would throw me a surprise party. Because they know me.

 

Dh and ds also know they must never, ever, ever inform a restaurant server it's my birthday. That's right up there with surprise parties on my hated list.

[Murphy101]

I hate surprise parties. HATE them. While I wouldn't be rude or hide, I also wouldn't gush. I'd smile through gritted teeth.

 

No one who knows me would throw me a surprise party. Because they know me.

 

Dh and ds also know they must never, ever, ever inform a restaurant server it's my birthday. That's right up there with surprise parties on my hated list.

Oh no. Heck no to the restaurant hoopla things too! I did have that happen once as a teen. I told them I wouldn't like it and to not do it and they did it anyways. What is up with that? I got up and left within seconds of the staff starting their thing.

 

I think there's a The Middle episode where someone does that to Mike Heck and it doesn't go over well. Lol

[luuknam]

I sort of like the idea, but I've never had one, and how I'd react would probably depend on my mood at the time. It could be "yay, this is fun, let's party!" to just trying to look happy, to staying but not really talking, to screaming and fleeing the scene of the crime, er, party. If my life is going pretty well in general, more likely the former, if I'm very stressed out, the middle or the latter. FWIW, I do have mental health issues, so what I'm guessing I might do is not supposed to be representative of what normal people might do.

 

ETA: I don't gush. Over anything ever.

Edited August 23, 2016 by luuknam

[EmseB]

Yes, like I said, I get not liking them, or thinking someone is a boor for throwing one because they are tacky or unrefined or maybe a bit more about the surprise rather than the actual person (although once that's over, every one I've ever been to is just like a regular ol' party).  I do understand why someone would have a preference of not having one.  I do not understand the HATE HATE, divorce, no-true-friend-would-ever-do-such-a-horrible-thing-to-me comments about them. That was what I was reacting to...that a surprise party would be that bad.

 

If I showed up and was surprised in my workout clothes or grubby, why would I care?  I didn't know about the party, so obviously no one would be expecting me to be prepared or dressed up.  So, I don't get being embarrassed about that, or thinking that it would matter.  It's sort of appealing to not stress about my appearance and what to wear and all that, to be honest!

Edited August 23, 2016 by JodiSue

[MEmama]

Yes, like I said, I get not liking them, or thinking someone is a boor for throwing one because they are tacky or unrefined or maybe a bit more about the surprise rather than the actual person (although once that's over, every one I've ever been to is just like a regular ol' party). I do understand why someone would have a preference of not having one. I do not understand the HATE HATE, divorce, no-true-friend-would-ever-do-such-a-horrible-thing-to-me comments about them. That was what I was reacting to...that a surprise party would be that bad.

 

If I showed up and was surprised in my workout clothes or grubby, why would I care? I didn't know about the party, so obviously no one would be expecting me to be prepared or dressed up. So, I don't get being embarrassed about that, or thinking that it would matter. It's sort of appealing to not stress about my appearance and what to wear and all that, to be honest!

Because that's YOU. And your friends would know you would enjoy one.

 

Believe me, not everyone feels the same. Some of us really need to work up to being in a social environment, and having one forced upon us--with certain expectations of how we OUGHT to act and feel--is really anxiety provoking. Putting some of us in that position is disrespectful to say the least.

 

Eta Isn't that why we are having this conversation?

Edited August 23, 2016 by MEmama

[goldberry]

I would hate it but pretend to love it.

[Murphy101]

Yes, like I said, I get not liking them, or thinking someone is a boor for throwing one because they are tacky or unrefined or maybe a bit more about the surprise rather than the actual person (although once that's over, every one I've ever been to is just like a regular ol' party). I do understand why someone would have a preference of not having one. I do not understand the HATE HATE, divorce, no-true-friend-would-ever-do-such-a-horrible-thing-to-me comments about them. That was what I was reacting to...that a surprise party would be that bad.

 

If I showed up and was surprised in my workout clothes or grubby, why would I care? I didn't know about the party, so obviously no one would be expecting me to be prepared or dressed up. So, I don't get being embarrassed about that, or thinking that it would matter. It's sort of appealing to not stress about my appearance and what to wear and all that, to be honest!

Well to be very blunt for the sake of clarity:

 

Bc it's kind of an ahole thing to purposely subject a person to something you know they'd hate on what is supposed to be happily celebrating their special occasion just bc it's what you want to do and to hell with what them, the actual honoree, might appreciate.

 

Sorta like my mil all those years ago being oh so generous as to give us a Christmas card for a paid vasectomy for my husband. It didn't have anything to do with us or being generous and kind in giving for the occasion. It was just her being a jerk to try and get what *she* wanted. So no, we were not polite or appreciative just bc she called it a gift and acted like she was doing some big generous favor for us. Bc both parties knew that was total BS and it wasn't about gift giving at all.

 

Although generally I am very "a gift is a gift" so be nice about receiving it no matter what the gift. But when someone crosses a line it is no longer a gift and they *knew* it when they did it? At that point, I don't have much patience with tolerating jerkiness.

 

Note I said I'd be confused if someone who didn't know me did something like this, but I'd try to fake it in an effort to presume good will based ignorance.

 

But someone who knew? They didn't do it for me and knew they weren't giving me any gift in doing so.

 

Also, I would be really annoyed to be ratty stinky dirty and expected to play hostess instead of getting a shower. Or my house was a mess. And to have coworkers be on the invite? Yikes. Thanks a lot for making someone look like crap to their coworkers and bosses. Whether it *should* matter doesn't change that socially it just does and that's not some new concept to most people.

Edited August 23, 2016 by Murphy101

[SproutMamaK]

Well, I'm nursing right now and don't like to be, uh, unnecessarily hindered, so... my reaction would probably depend on if I were wearing a bra or not.  :lol:  Assuming I was taking out of the house to another location (aka wearing appropriate clothing) and not that people just showed up at my house when I'm all "casual", I'd probably feel caught off-guard and a little uncomfortable, but act happy and slowly warm up to things, then crawl into a caccoon at the end of the night and not emerge for a week. If I had been caught at home in a more casual setting, then, uh... same thing but with lots of awkward attempts at covering up my boobs and sneaking off asap to grab a bra? lol

How weird am I that my thought is, "Depends. Am I wearing a bra?"  :huh:  Like... that probably shouldn't really be a question for a responsible adult, right? Ah well. #ProudIrresponsibleAdult

 

I can understand not liking a surprise party and feeling really uncomfortable, or even angry. Unless the party was intentionally designed to be hurtful by someone who had a history of deliberately doing abusive things, a person should act civil about it. You don't have to love everything that everyone does for you, but an adult should recognize good intentions even if they miss the mark.

Edited August 23, 2016 by SproutMamaK

[Dicentra]

A friend of mine wanted to throw me a surprise baby shower when I was expecting DD.  No - she wasn't a really close friend and no - she didn't bother to find out whether or not I actually like surprise parties.  I don't.  AT ALL. :D  Luckily, she brought DH in on the surprise and he told me about it beforehand (because he knows me better than anyone and knows that surprising an uncomfortable (I was 8 months pregnant), grouchy (I was 8 months pregnant :D ), and sick (I had morning sickness all throughout my pregnancy - all day, every day) expectant, introverted mother-to-be would be a not-very-good-thing).  I knew about it ahead of time, I could work myself up to it (I'm an EXTREME introvert), I could make sure I had taken my Diclectin, and I could make sure that I had had a small meal before.  I could then go, act "surprised", greet the guests kindly, and enjoy it like a regular party.  The friend never did find out that DH had ruined the surprise :) so she got to be happy (because she's the type of personality that assumes EVERYONE likes a surprise party) and I got to be happy (because I had a lovely shower and wasn't really "surprised").  Win/win, I suppose. :)

 

Take-away:  If you hate surprise parties, let people know but especially let your significant other know.  Tell him/her that if they find out about a planned surprise party for you, they are to LET YOU KNOW. :)  It'll provide the best outcome for everyone involved. :)

[Miss Mousie]

I hate them but act happy...

I'm debating whether or not I should tell a friend that her husband is planning one for her. I would want to be told.

 

Might be better to contact the husband and make sure he's absolutely positive his wife will enjoy it, rather than risk blowing something she would have liked.

[HS Mom in NC]

I'm the one who plans and hosts all of the parties for my immediate family and most of them for my extended family, so no one has ever thrown me one.  I can't say I know if I'd like it or not.  I genuinely appreciate it when other people volunteer to host and plan events so I think I would like that aspect of it, but I don't generally like things going differently than I planned them, so surprising me might throw me off.  I do believe the right thing to do when someone does something nice for you, even if it's a little off the mark or ill suited to you personally, is to be very thankful and appreciative of it. Good intentions aren't everything, but they go a long way.

I don't gush.  Ever.

I think it's important for people to think beyond themselves.  Just because you love X doesn't mean everyone else loves X.  Your idea of fun isn't everyone else's idea of fun. Just because you would talk about Y in public doesn't mean everyone else wants to talk about Y in public.  This is an important aspect of adulthood plenty of chronological adults lack. 

If you've never voiced an opinion on surprise parties and being in the limelight, there's no way for other people to know.  They should ask people who know you if you would like one if they have no way of knowing. If someone has told you they don't want a surprise party or that they don't like surprise parties and you throw one for them, then you're jerk and a confrontation of some sort is appropriate.  Something like saying in a matter of fact tone of voice, " I specifically told you I don't want/like surprise parties and yet you chose to throw one for me anyway.  What does that say about you?" Then I would wait for an answer while maintaining eye contact. If they were unclear about it I would follow up with, "I'm not asking you a rhetorical question, I'm waiting for an answer."

[Guest]

Well my niece, in the incident that spurred me to post the poll, posted a video of the surpris-ee's reaction and hashtagged it #neverdoingthisagain. So I'm thinking there is one less circle of people whom I know who will do surprise parties. But by what I see here, I'm never hosting one.

[Guest]

I went to one that was totally embarassing to the guest of honor. His coworkers were invited, he hadnt showered and was dirty and sweaty from the outside chores he had been doing and the party throwers cheaped out. His coworkers came over right after work to find it was processed carbs and beer.... not his style at all. He greeted everyone, grabbed some crackers and dip, and just did as much socializing as he could, making the best of it. People were so hungry they left early, which I guess was a good thing. We sent the cakes home with the families that had children.

This is one reason I think it's good if one SO is aware of the plan, so they can set it up so the guest of honor is not embarrassed.

 

I have only been surprised with baby showers or a wedding shower. It always did surprise me; I didn't guess beforehand. But they were also settings in which I looked presentable because I thought XYZ other nice ocassion was happening, such as thinking it's Grandma's birthday party or something. I have only been touched people thought to do this for me

 

When people do those piece of cake in a restaurant thingies, it would never occur to me to find that embarassing. I think it's delightful! What is there to be embarassed about?

[Murphy101]

But by what I see here, I'm never hosting one.

Or just be sure it's the kind of thing the honoree would enjoy? Simply asking someone closer to them would probably be all it took to find out.

 

I'm not anti-parties just bc they aren't my thing. By all means, if someone else would thoroughly enjoy it - I'm glad it's done for them. Because that's the point of doing it for someone is to do something they would enjoy.

 

And to be fair about your example - wow. I'm sure having the kind of someone who would post FB shaming of me throw the event made that party just that much more "special" to the honoree? Yikes.

[SKL]

I don't like those kinds of surprises.  But if that happened, I would do my best to smile through the whole thing.  :P

[SKL]

Whoa, she posted that?  That's just mean.  I would boycott all her parties, surprise or otherwise.  :/

[SKL]

Whoa, she posted that?  That's just mean.  I would boycott all her parties, surprise or otherwise.  :/

[Murphy101]

Whoa, she posted that? That's just mean. I would boycott all her parties, surprise or otherwise. :/

That was my first thought too!

Talk about a person I'd add to my avoid like plague list in a nanosecond. Ouch.

[SKL]

Once when my mom was poor and pregnant, someone threw her a surprise baby shower.  She only had 1 outfit that fit and the pants were ripped.  It was pretty excruciating for her.  That is why I would never suggest or host one.  You might catch someone in a really difficult situation.  Surely you can imagine a bunch of examples.  Perimenopausal hemorrhaging comes to mind.  :P  Not feeling well, needing to get somewhere to do something important, having not washed your hair for a week, having had a private tragedy occur ....

[Critterfixer]

Wouldn't like one at all.

I'd probably find a way to deal with it, but I don't do fake smiles or laughs very well. And I'd probably be miserable afterwards because I know I'm not great at parties, and probably everyone would have a bad time and feel awkward. And I'd get crawly upset stomach when thinking about if for years after the event, so I hope nobody ever throws me one!

[EmseB]

Well to be very blunt for the sake of clarity:

 

Bc it's kind of an ahole thing to purposely subject a person to something you know they'd hate on what is supposed to be happily celebrating their special occasion just bc it's what you want to do and to hell with what them, the actual honoree, might appreciate.

 

Sorta like my mil all those years ago being oh so generous as to give us a Christmas card for a paid vasectomy for my husband. It didn't have anything to do with us or being generous and kind in giving for the occasion. It was just her being a jerk to try and get what *she* wanted. So no, we were not polite or appreciative just bc she called it a gift and acted like she was doing some big generous favor for us. Bc both parties knew that was total BS and it wasn't about gift giving at all.

 

Although generally I am very "a gift is a gift" so be nice about receiving it no matter what the gift. But when someone crosses a line it is no longer a gift and they *knew* it when they did it? At that point, I don't have much patience with tolerating jerkiness.

 

Note I said I'd be confused if someone who didn't know me did something like this, but I'd try to fake it in an effort to presume good will based ignorance.

 

But someone who knew? They didn't do it for me and knew they weren't giving me any gift in doing so.

 

Also, I would be really annoyed to be ratty stinky dirty and expected to play hostess instead of getting a shower. Or my house was a mess. And to have coworkers be on the invite? Yikes. Thanks a lot for making someone look like crap to their coworkers and bosses. Whether it *should* matter doesn't change that socially it just does and that's not some new concept to most people.

I haven't expressed an opinion on surprise parties either way to anyone IRL, but it's the last paragraph that gets me confused. Because I wouldn't feel any pressure to play hostess if someone else was throwing me a party. If it was at my home and I came home grubby, I'd go upstairs and freshen up and come back down to enjoy a party that someone else was throwing. I would not be hostessing because I'd be the honoree, not the hostess. Wouldn't even feel an urge to hostess, lol. If it was at my house, my DH would certainly be in on it and would clean the house (hey, now that would be a give away, if DH randomly started cleaning up!) Anyone who would possibly throw a party for me wouldn't have the social expectations you're talking about above. No one would be made to look bad or set back socially because they weren't dressed right for a party they didn't know about. We probably just run in different circles, to me and my friends, or DH and his friends/co-workers it really wouldn't matter socially one iota. But, yeah it would be a jerk move to throw a surprise party, expect the honoree to host, and expect them to be appropriately attired for something they didn't know about. I have never seen or been to a surprise party with all that kind of baggage.

 

But, note taken, I now take the idea of a surprise party way more seriously than I ever had before! I never had any idea that people hated them so badly. I honestly would never think to equate it with an unwanted vasectomy gift card, holy cow.

Edited August 23, 2016 by JodiSue

[Murphy101]

No one would be made to look bad or set back socially because they weren't dressed right for a party they didn't know about.

I am 100% in agreement with you that no one *should*, but take the FB shaming which led to the OPs post as an example that plenty do. I'm far more horrified by THAT than someone not acting instantly fake happy on cue about something unexpected happening to them that really isn't to their enjoyment.

[OhanaBee]

There are people who love surprise parties.  I'm not one of them.  My Dad arranged a surprise party at my Mom's favorite restaurant for her 50th birthday.  She loved it and especially loved that it wasn't at her house.  My sis-in-law threw a surprise party for my brother's 40th.  She is the ultimate party planner and everything went off like clockwork, right down to the surprise that I wasn't actually on the East Coast, but standing in their living room yelling "Surprise!" with the rest of the guests.

 

Last month we threw a surprise gathering for my parent's 50th anniversary.  This time the surprise was more because my parents health issues make them fret and worry over anything out of the norm.  My brother told them he wanted to take them to their favorite restaurant for their anniversary and Mom and Dad didn't suspect a thing.  One of my kids and I flew in, and 6 of my parents' closest friend were also there.  It was a nice intimate gathering.  Mom did say later that she was glad she didn't know all the plans, as she would have worried about everyone getting where they need to be and/or Dad's stomach acting up again due to stress [from listening to Mom worry]

 

My middle daughter has talked about throwing me a surprise party.  I've told her the surprise would be if anyone actually remembered my birthday.  No need to have people at my house waiting to terrorize me.  Tell me ahead of time that you're doing something and let me prepare for it.  We'll see if that actually happens down the road.  In the meantime, my mother-in-law is nagging me to have a surprise party for dh's 50th at the end of this year.  I've thrown him more than a few parties, and I will do something for his 50th.  But I am NOT throwing him a surprise party and all the "helpful" suggestions from MIL are making me less likely to do anything big.  I know it's petty, but I am tempted to write back, "I've thrown many parties for your son.  In the mean time, I've turned 25, 30, and 40.  Have you ever suggested to him that it might be nice to do something for his wife??"

 

As I said, it's petty.  But this woman has the ability to stomp on my very last nerve and then grind it into the ground.

[OhanaBee]

This is one reason I think it's good if one SO is aware of the plan, so they can set it up so the guest of honor is not embarrassed.

 

I have only been surprised with baby showers or a wedding shower. It always did surprise me; I didn't guess beforehand. But they were also settings in which I looked presentable because I thought XYZ other nice ocassion was happening, such as thinking it's Grandma's birthday party or something. I have only been touched people thought to do this for me

 

When people do those piece of cake in a restaurant thingies, it would never occur to me to find that embarassing. I think it's delightful! What is there to be embarassed about?

 

Speaking just for myself - it's because I hate being the center of attention.  I'd rather be behind the scenes.  That being said, if a cake is presented to me [and thank you Disney for giving me this experience more than a few times], I do make sure I'm smiling at everyone.  I'll be beet red, but I'll be smiling.  It is really thoughtful.

[importswim]

It's making my hands sweat just thinking about it. ICK!

 

My friend group has a couple of extrovert/party people that LOVE throwing surprise parties. My birthday is coming up in October. Thanks for reminding me to tell them that I don't want one! Hopefully they'll relent. 

[Alice]

I don't like them but don't feel as strongly as some people here. I have had one and I didn't really gush because I'm not a gusher. I was really surprised and even though I didn't love that part, I did understand that they did it because they cared about me and I could honestly show that I appreciated that. 

 

I have gone to many other surprise parties. The assumption was always that the person throwing it knew that the recipient would be pleased, and the person always seemed pleased or faked it well. I have thrown one, for my college roommate. Her birthday was Dec 27th and she was always sad that we all missed it. So we decided to throw her a party a month early...but that was Thanksgiving so we threw her a party Oct 27th. She was genuinely thrilled to have a party and that we'd done it for her. I knew her really well though and knew she would love it. 

[KungFuPanda]

Also, I would be really annoyed to be ratty stinky dirty and expected to play hostess instead of getting a shower. Or my house was a mess. And to have coworkers be on the invite? Yikes. Thanks a lot for making someone look like crap to their coworkers and bosses. Whether it *should* matter doesn't change that socially it just does and that's not some new concept to most people.

Whether or not I appreciated the gesture I'd have no problem saying "Just let me get changed . . . " then dashing off to my room for a 5 minute shower and fresh clothes. No guest could begrudge the honoree a trip to the bathroom!

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

 

 

I hate them with a passion.

 

No.

[importswim]

I haven't expressed an opinion on surprise parties either way to anyone IRL, but it's the last paragraph that gets me confused. Because I wouldn't feel any pressure to play hostess if someone else was throwing me a party. If it was at my home and I came home grubby, I'd go upstairs and freshen up and come back down to enjoy a party that someone else was throwing. I would not be hostessing because I'd be the honoree, not the hostess. Wouldn't even feel an urge to hostess, lol. If it was at my house, my DH would certainly be in on it and would clean the house (hey, now that would be a give away, if DH randomly started cleaning up!) Anyone who would possibly throw a party for me wouldn't have the social expectations you're talking about above. No one would be made to look bad or set back socially because they weren't dressed right for a party they didn't know about. We probably just run in different circles, to me and my friends, or DH and his friends/co-workers it really wouldn't matter socially one iota. But, yeah it would be a jerk move to throw a surprise party, expect the honoree to host, and expect them to be appropriately attired for something they didn't know about. I have never seen or been to a surprise party with all that kind of baggage.

 

But, note taken, I now take the idea of a surprise party way more seriously than I ever had before! I never had any idea that people hated them so badly. I honestly would never think to equate it with an unwanted vasectomy gift card, holy cow.

But as the honoree you're doing more mingling than the hostess. Everyone came to see you and so you would be expected to act excited to see everyone. When parties in themselves exhaust you and you have no time to mentally prepare for them beforehand it can become a frustrating experience when you have to push past if you've had a bad day (or if you're tired) in order to perform like you're enjoying yourself. 

[Murphy101]

Whether or not I appreciated the gesture I'd have no problem saying "Just let me get changed . . . " then dashing off to my room for a 5 minute shower and fresh clothes. No guest could begrudge the honoree a trip to the bathroom!

I would hope not, but it wouldn't change that all the first pictures and appearances would not be very flattering.

 

Also, it'd take me a good 30 minutes to reappear and personally I'd feel awkward showering and getting dressed while company milled about waiting on me. But I'll freely accept that could just be my hangup.

[theelfqueen]

Yes, like I said, I get not liking them, or thinking someone is a boor for throwing one because they are tacky or unrefined or maybe a bit more about the surprise rather than the actual person (although once that's over, every one I've ever been to is just like a regular ol' party).  I do understand why someone would have a preference of not having one.  I do not understand the HATE HATE, divorce, no-true-friend-would-ever-do-such-a-horrible-thing-to-me comments about them. That was what I was reacting to...that a surprise party would be that bad.

 

If I showed up and was surprised in my workout clothes or grubby, why would I care?  I didn't know about the party, so obviously no one would be expecting me to be prepared or dressed up.  So, I don't get being embarrassed about that, or thinking that it would matter.  It's sort of appealing to not stress about my appearance and what to wear and all that, to be honest!

 

Any party with me at the center would be unwelcome -- which my husband and my friends know but my Mom and SIL and other extended family members refuse to believe.... SO, DH's #1 job related to my birthday (other than taking me to Disneyland) is PARTY PREVENTION. I don't like that kind of attention -- I know it's meant kindly but if it's my birthday (or other event) and you want to honor me and do something to make me happy -- honor who I AM and WHAT I LIKE.

 

 

And I generally prefer to be hostess at a social gathering than to just attending-- because then I have an excuse for being socially uninterested LOL "Oh that's great! Excuse me I've got to ... wash something, cook something, check on something..."

 

Edited August 23, 2016 by theelfqueen

[Garga]

Well, there are a huge number of INTJs on this board, so that explains all the surprise party hate.

 

I don't think anyone would know whether or not I would like/hate a surprise party.  I know my dh hates surprises.  I surprised him one Christmas with a dinner to a fancy restaurant and tickets to his favorite pianist at the symphony.  He was pretty upset because he didn't like surprises.  I totally did not understand that.  What was the big deal?  It's not like anyone else was there and it wasn't like it was a bad event and it wasn't like we were going to do anything else that night. 

 

So, I tried again another time (gosh I was dense back then) taking him on a surprise weekend away at a bed and breakfast.  We had what was probably the 3rd worst argument of our marriage at the B&B because he was so out of sorts that I took him on a surprise weekend getaway.  So....no more surprises for him, ever!  All I can say is that we married when I was 19 and I tried both those things before I was 22, so I can chalk my gaffes up to youth. 

 

I was given a surprise baby shower.  I was 100% shocked and it wasn't so bad.  I was wearing the worst possible outfit on the planet and my hair was a scraggly mess, but it didn't really matter to me.  I was happy that my friends cared about me.  I was 29 then.

 

Now that I'm 43, I'm just tired.  We haven't had any visitors to the house, including my in-laws who live 6 minutes away, in over 2 years.  I avoid social gatherings (except the WTM meetup we have twice a year) whenever possible.  I think that today I would be ok with the surprise part, but I would feel worn out by the end of the party.  Years ago, I would have been ok with the surprise part and energized by the end of the party. 

 

I'm getting tired as I get older.  Maybe when I'm done this homeschooling gig, I'll get some energy back and will like parties again.

 

So...my friends probably wouldn't really know whether or not I like surprise parties, and frankly I just don't know anymore.  I'd certainly be pleasant and wouldn't ever hiss later at someone, "don't do that again!" 

 

I also don't see the big deal about the singing in restaurants.  Who cares?  No one.  No one cares.  'Get over yourself,' is how I feel about it on the inside, though I would try to be understanding on the outside.  But I don't get the discomfort.  Just sit there with a gentle smile or pleasant expression, say, "Thanks," and eat the dessert. 

 

 

 

 

[Murphy101]

Ugh. You're making it worse for me about the resturant thing...ðŸ˜

 

I don't like cake and I've decided that once a person is over 40 they bloody well should not have to choke down desserts on their birthday that they don't like after being screamed at (aka "singing") by restaurant staff in an effort to maintain a polite facade for people who don't even know them well enough to know they'd hate both things.

 

Now pie.... For pie it *might* be worth it. 🤔

[katilac]

Well to be very blunt for the sake of clarity:

 

Bc it's kind of an ahole thing to purposely subject a person to something you know they'd hate on what is supposed to be happily celebrating their special occasion just bc it's what you want to do and to hell with what them, the actual honoree, might appreciate.

 

 

This. It's very passive-aggressive to throw a surprise party for someone when you know they hate surprises, lol. 

 

 But they were also settings in which I looked presentable because I thought XYZ other nice ocassion was happening, such as thinking it's Grandma's birthday party or something. I have only been touched people thought to do this for me

 

When people do those piece of cake in a restaurant thingies, it would never occur to me to find that embarassing. I think it's delightful! What is there to be embarassed about?

 

That's definitely the best way to pull off a surprise party, when the honoree at least knows they are going to a special occasion and are prepared to socialize with a crowd. I'll admit they still annoy me a bit as a guest, because you have to make sure you don't mention it, and you have to be there 30 minutes early, and really can we not just tell this person we want to celebrate them, lol? 

 

The piece of cake restaurant thingies can vary from pretty much a piece of cake and well wishes, to a piece of cake and half the staff singing to you, and even to a piece of cake and singing and the attempted forced wearing of silly hats.

 

For some people, it is excruciating to have everything stop and all eyes turn to them while a big hurrah goes on. You don't always know if someone falls into that category, but honestly I have seen way too many people who did know, and relished doing it anyway. Ha ha ha, I totally knew you would find this stupid or embarrassing, so it's exactly what I planned for your birthday! 

 

The prevalence of camera phones and social media adds to my dislike of surprise parties. If my first reaction isn't stellar, like I can't hide that I'm annoyed or maybe I look weirdly startled, well, posting that on the internet isn't likely to make me enjoy it more. At least in the days of film, you only had to talk one or two people out of circulating bad photos! 

 

Even if I had a very positive reaction, if it was an emotional one, I wouldn't want it posted for all the world to see. It's not wrong if others do so, I'm just not comfortable with it, but 99 people will have their phones out, and it WILL be posted. 

 

This one shower I went to must have been 20+ years ago, but I still remember that the young lady started crying - happily, but she was very private and trying to turn away from the cameras. One of the hosts wouldn't let her escape the video camera, she kept laughing and saying she was getting those tears on record. It was awful, I would have jerked the camera away and beaned her in the head with it, lol. 

Edited August 24, 2016 by katilac

[Annie G]

 

 

I also don't see the big deal about the singing in restaurants.  Who cares?  No one.  No one cares.  'Get over yourself,' is how I feel about it on the inside, though I would try to be understanding on the outside.  But I don't get the discomfort.  Just sit there with a gentle smile or pleasant expression, say, "Thanks," and eat the dessert. 

 

I would be super uncomfortable with strangers singing to me in a restaurant. Nope.    I can't explain the discomfort except to say that it is genuine and truly makes me embarrassed. It's not about how other patrons feel - it's about how I feel. My dh enjoys it but I hate it. And my kids also hate it. Like, we eat out for their birthday and they ALWAYS make us promise not to do anything in the restaurant. 

[HRAAB]

I hate them.  If I found out ahead of time, I would probably get sick - from anxiety.

 

Once I got word that a friend was planning a surprise party for me.  I got a mutual friend to tell her I can't handle surprises like that - in a very nice way - and she dropped the surprise part, asked me to help with the guest list, and kept me updated on what she was planning.  Fortunately, she didn't get her feelings hurt.  I realize she didn't know me that well, or she would have known how I feel about surprises.  Since then I'm rather vocal so people know NOT to plan a surprise for me.  I would not enjoy it or have fun.  That's just me.

[katilac]

  

I also don't see the big deal about the singing in restaurants.  Who cares?  No one.  No one cares.  'Get over yourself,' is how I feel about it on the inside, though I would try to be understanding on the outside.  But I don't get the discomfort.  Just sit there with a gentle smile or pleasant expression, say, "Thanks," and eat the dessert. 

 

People don't have to get it, they just have to respect it. 

 

There's really nothing to 'get' - if a person is embarrassed and uncomfortable by being the center of attention in public, then they just are. No one has to understand it in order to respect it; I know there are times when it is innocently done, but there are also many times when it is done on purpose, when they know the person will not like it. 

 

When people do things 'for' me that they know for a fact I won't like, they're going to be pretty disappointed in my levels of pleasantness and gratitude  :glare:

[Murphy101]

I would be super uncomfortable with strangers singing to me in a restaurant. Nope. I can't explain the discomfort except to say that it is genuine and truly makes me embarrassed. It's not about how other patrons feel - it's about how I feel. My dh enjoys it but I hate it. And my kids also hate it. Like, we eat out for their birthday and they ALWAYS make us promise not to do anything in the restaurant.

A certain expletive relative did this to one of my kids many years ago. He cried the entire time, stopped eating his dinner and for sure didn't feel like dessert. He just wanted to go home. So of course, he had to be called "rude for acting like a baby". He was 8 years old. He told them he wouldn't like it. We told them he wouldn't like it. Heck, he was putting his hands over his ears and asking politely in a nervous way when they would be done when they did it to someone else on the other side of the restaurant. They thought it was hilarious how he reacted and were ticked he didn't just "get over it". Yeah. Real funny to purposely crap on his birthday. Jerks.

 

And no, like I told them. There's nothing "wrong" with him, tynsvm.

 

Personally I think there's something a lot more wrong with people who seem to get a kick out of purposely making other people feel like crap publicly and then shaming them for not appreciating it "all in good fun", but I'm aware I am often the only one with this POV.

Edited August 24, 2016 by Murphy101

[Guest]

Well, there are a huge number of INTJs on this board, so that explains all the surprise party hate.

 

I don't think anyone would know whether or not I would like/hate a surprise party. I know my dh hates surprises. I surprised him one Christmas with a dinner to a fancy restaurant and tickets to his favorite pianist at the symphony. He was pretty upset because he didn't like surprises. I totally did not understand that. What was the big deal? It's not like anyone else was there and it wasn't like it was a bad event and it wasn't like we were going to do anything else that night.

 

So, I tried again another time (gosh I was dense back then) taking him on a surprise weekend away at a bed and breakfast. We had what was probably the 3rd worst argument of our marriage at the B&B because he was so out of sorts that I took him on a surprise weekend getaway. So....no more surprises for him, ever! All I can say is that we married when I was 19 and I tried both those things before I was 22, so I can chalk my gaffes up to youth.

 

I was given a surprise baby shower. I was 100% shocked and it wasn't so bad. I was wearing the worst possible outfit on the planet and my hair was a scraggly mess, but it didn't really matter to me. I was happy that my friends cared about me. I was 29 then.

 

Now that I'm 43, I'm just tired. We haven't had any visitors to the house, including my in-laws who live 6 minutes away, in over 2 years. I avoid social gatherings (except the WTM meetup we have twice a year) whenever possible. I think that today I would be ok with the surprise part, but I would feel worn out by the end of the party. Years ago, I would have been ok with the surprise part and energized by the end of the party.

 

I'm getting tired as I get older. Maybe when I'm done this homeschooling gig, I'll get some energy back and will like parties again.

 

So...my friends probably wouldn't really know whether or not I like surprise parties, and frankly I just don't know anymore. I'd certainly be pleasant and wouldn't ever hiss later at someone, "don't do that again!"

 

I also don't see the big deal about the singing in restaurants. Who cares? No one. No one cares. 'Get over yourself,' is how I feel about it on the inside, though I would try to be understanding on the outside. But I don't get the discomfort. Just sit there with a gentle smile or pleasant expression, say, "Thanks," and eat the dessert.

Well, I am an INTJ (although I'm divided evenly on the Thinking/Feeling and sometimes come out INFJ) but it still doesn't bother me to have a surprise party thrown for me. OTOH, I like a party now and then so really there would be no need to surprise me. I would be just as pleased to be the guest of honor at a party I knew was happening. DH is not a planner and is not very social so the probability he would ever plan a party is about as high as the probability I'm going to get trampled by a unicorn tomorrow. :D

 

I can relate, though, to the hermit tendencies coming out in the forties. I haven't even succeeded in making myself go buy onions even though we've been out for days and I barely ever make a meal without onions.

[MEmama]

A certain expletive relative did this to one of my kids many years ago. He cried the entire time, stopped eating his dinner and for sure didn't feel like dessert. He just wanted to go home. So of course, he had to be called "rude for acting like a baby". He was 8 years old. He told them he wouldn't like it. We told them he wouldn't like it. Heck, he was putting his hands over his ears and asking politely in a nervous way when they would be done when they did it to someone else on the other side of the restaurant. They thought it was hilarious how he reacted and were ticked he didn't just "get over it". Yeah. Real funny to purposely crap on his birthday. Jerks.

 

And no, like I told them. There's nothing "wrong" with him, tynsvm.

 

Personally I think there's something a lot more wrong with people who seem to get a kick out of purposely making other people feel like crap publicly and then shaming them for not appreciating it "all in good fun", but I'm aware I am often the only one with this POV.

I'm surprised to discover how many people on this board I share my family with.

[EmseB]

But as the honoree you're doing more mingling than the hostess. Everyone came to see you and so you would be expected to act excited to see everyone. When parties in themselves exhaust you and you have no time to mentally prepare for them beforehand it can become a frustrating experience when you have to push past if you've had a bad day (or if you're tired) in order to perform like you're enjoying yourself.

I don't know if this is just a personality difference, but I just don't feel like I would have this pressure. If it's a party for me, I'm going to enjoy it, and assume the people throwing it want me to do so. Be friendly and nice with everyone? Sure. Excited? That isn't my style. It wouldn't occur to me to perform.

 

What I hear people saying is that there would be no way for them to enjoy themselves if they did not gear up mentally to be at a party before they went and that is the issue.

 

I do not come from a family culture of grand gestures, so I think I would just be flattered that someone thought of me. Before this thread it would not occur to me that someone would be actually mad about someone throwing them a surprise party. And I'm very much not extroverted, I don't particularly like the spotlight, but I still think it would be fun to be thought of in the kind of way that someone would want to surprise me with a grand gesture. I think the feeling loved and thought of would go a long way to outweigh exhaustion or bad day or my tendency to want to sit in a quiet room by myself and read. I definitely get that's not true of everyone and I appreciate the discussion. Thanks, OP! You maybe helped me avoid a huge faux pas!!

 

Also, I think the issue of someone throwing a party that they know for a fact the honoree does not want is a whole 'nother issue that goes beyond the surprise aspect of things.

[HRAAB]

A certain expletive relative did this to one of my kids many years ago. He cried the entire time, stopped eating his dinner and for sure didn't feel like dessert. He just wanted to go home. So of course, he had to be called "rude for acting like a baby". He was 8 years old. He told them he wouldn't like it. We told them he wouldn't like it. Heck, he was putting his hands over his ears and asking politely in a nervous way when they would be done when they did it to someone else on the other side of the restaurant. They thought it was hilarious how he reacted and were ticked he didn't just "get over it". Yeah. Real funny to purposely crap on his birthday. Jerks.

 

And no, like I told them. There's nothing "wrong" with him, tynsvm.

 

Personally I think there's something a lot more wrong with people who seem to get a kick out of purposely making other people feel like crap publicly and then shaming them for not appreciating it "all in good fun", but I'm aware I am often the only one with this POV.

 

Same thing happened to my dd.  What really infuriated me was that my dh and I both told them NOT to ask the staff to sing, and they ignored us, the parents.  It's like the well meaning family members that tease or tickle relentlessly no matter how many times they are told it isn't appreciated.  And suggest your child is rude, a baby, or spoiled because they don't like being made the center of attention.

 

This really gets me fired up.  I'm an adult that does not want surprise parties or to be serenaded in a restaurant, but as an adult, I can stand up for myself (or go hide in the bathroom).  Kids have to put up with it.