Help me remove my own bias

[PhotoGal]

I have always thought of myself as an open-minded and accepting person, but I am beginning to see that I do in fact have a bias that I need to address. My bias is against less intelligent people. I know, logically, that having lower intelligence is not a person's fault. I think this bias grew in high school when I started honors classes and focusing on "good" colleges - I started to see these as better and more worthy, while average or remedial classes were less than. Now I have a couple important people in my life who have lower than average intelligence, and I am struggling with it. This is an important opportunity for me to remove this bias for good. I am ashamed to admit it, but it is real and it needs to be addressed as soon as possible. How can I tackle this? Again, the logical side of me knows that people of all cognitive abilities are worthy and deserve the best, but some negative thoughts do creep in that I need to eradicate.  Thoughts?

[Rosie_0801]

Sounds like you need to change your internal yardstick so you're judging people by a better quality metric.

[Plink]

I sympathize with you.  I have a dyslexic child, and my own prejudice gets thrown in my face each time I realize just how much more effort she puts into her work than anyone else I know.  Greater than average effort should logically yield better results, but it doesn't.  It is just more work, harder work, for less than average results. 

 

I'm now able to admit that I'm a Recovering Grammar Snob.  I don't know how I will ever completely get over my unconscious prejudice, but I'm working in that direction by being intentional with my conscious thoughts. 

 

Bravo PhotoGal!  You've taken the critical first step.

[Lisa R.]

One thing that is helpful is to realize that a gift such as intellect is given and not earned. So, really, it's hard to legitimately take credit for it.

 

Picture if you or someone like you had been born at a different place and time.

-in medieval times an intelligent person would be doing well to survive adulthood and not be hungry each day

-a female until fairly recent times would have few choices regardless of her intelligence

-in current times, a person living in a developing country can have difficulty subsisting regardless of intellectual gifting

-an intelligent person born in this country in this time period to a crappy and dysfunctional home may underachieve all their life due to poor esteem issues

-and so on...

 

So, you are a person blessed with intellectual gifts but much more. You were likely:

Born in a developed country

Given an education starting at a young age

Had enough to eat and a place to live so your energy was able to be placed elsewhere--learning

Were healthy enough to stay in school and continue learning

Were born after many females a hundred years earlier fought for our right for education and workplace rights.

 

So, I find it humbling that I have these blessings, for which I've done nothing. Born at a different time, different country, to a different family, born with different health, etc. are all things outside of my control.

 

I DO take pride in my hard work, honesty, loyalty, etc as these are qualities I've sought hard to develop over years.

 

Does that help?

[Elizabeth 2]

One thing that I try to focus on is where their intelligence is focused. Are they very good with young children because they understand them? A great housekeeper? An artist? These aren't exclusive to people who are less academicly intelligent, but perhaps they are different intelligences. My mother in law drives me up the wall. But she does very well playing and entertaining the 2-6 year old set. Just another thought.

[goldberry]

I've struggled with the same thing.  What has really helped me is realizing how much others have to offer in different areas, regardless of academic intelligence.  Loyalty, kindness, honesty, empathy... all those traits have nothing to do with intelligence and yet often matter so much more in a relationship.

 

When you get to know people that are intelligent but mean, intelligent but manipulative, intelligent but disloyal or dishonest, you start to really feel inside how little intelligence has to do with what kind of person someone is, and whether or not they deserve your respect.

 

I have seen myself, mostly when I was younger, use my intelligence to manipulate and bully people.  I saw first hand how little that benefited anyone or any relationship I had.  I came to believe it's really overrated.

[Scarlett]

When my son was little I would ask him, "do you think God cares more if you are smart or kind?"

[fairfarmhand]

I've struggled with the same thing.  What has really helped me is realizing how much others have to offer in different areas, regardless of academic intelligence.  Loyalty, kindness, honesty, empathy... all those traits have nothing to do with intelligence and yet often matter so much more in a relationship.

 

When you get to know people that are intelligent but mean, intelligent but manipulative, intelligent but disloyal or dishonest, you start to really feel inside how little intelligence has to do with what kind of person someone is, and whether or not they deserve your respect.

 

I have seen myself, mostly when I was younger, use my intelligence to manipulate and bully people.  I saw first hand how little that benefited anyone or any relationship I had.  I came to believe it's really overrated.

 

In my 4 kids, I have 2 who are very bright, probably on paper more intelligent than the others.

 

These kids have less resilience and perseverance than my other two. Things come so easily for them that they have a hard time with failure. Trying again, sticking to something hard is SO frustrating. This is something we've had to work with.

 

They also, academically, are kinda lazy. They don't live up to their full potential because they can breeze by. I do my very best to challenge them, but they're whiny when it gets hard.

 

So yeah, they're intelligent, but in some cases, their intelligence handicaps their growth as a person.

 

My other kids who have to work harder for things, more average kids are the ones who try and fail and try and fail and come up smiling even when it's tough.

 

That's an equally important life skill.

 

Academic intelligence is only valuable in certain arenas. And there's other intelligences. The academic stuff is more easily measured and often better remunerated. But, the artistic intelligence has value. It adds interest and joy and beauty to our lives.The emotional intelligence allows people to sense what others need emotionally. These people just know who needs a hug, who's having a hard time, who needs a little more support. The physical intelligence allows the woodsman to hit the tree again and again in the same spot. This skill and others like it really are very practical. The musical intelligence are those people who just have a knack for timing and pitch. They develop it through practice, but they really just LOVE it and use music to make our world more lovely.  I could go on.

 

I strive to teach my kids to recognize their many areas of intelligence. Not just academic brilliance. And I hope they can see that in others.

 

I've often said that when my toilet stops up or my car needs work, I don't call someone like Bill Gates. I call the guy who has excellent mechanical and physical intelligence. At that moment, I don't care about academic intelligence.

Edited August 10, 2016 by fairfarmhand

[Anacharsis]

​

I have always thought of myself as an open-minded and accepting person, but I am beginning to see that I do in fact have a bias that I need to address. My bias is against less intelligent people. I know, logically, that having lower intelligence is not a person's fault. I think this bias grew in high school when I started honors classes and focusing on "good" colleges - I started to see these as better and more worthy, while average or remedial classes were less than. Now I have a couple important people in my life who have lower than average intelligence, and I am struggling with it. This is an important opportunity for me to remove this bias for good. I am ashamed to admit it, but it is real and it needs to be addressed as soon as possible. How can I tackle this? Again, the logical side of me knows that people of all cognitive abilities are worthy and deserve the best, but some negative thoughts do creep in that I need to eradicate.  Thoughts?

 

Were the classes better and more worthy, or did you feel yourself better and more worthy for attending them? :)

 

Sometimes the biggest barrier to adjusting thinking is that intelligent people learn to capitalize their intelligence into a self-identity; I am an Intelligent Person! This identity becomes their armor against the cruelties of life -- perhaps not the most athletic nor the most beautiful, but Intelligent! Why care what stupid people think anyway?

 

Removing that armor creates vulnerability. If intelligence is just a tool, am I just a monkey with a hammer, trying to lord it over the other monkeys? If intelligence isn't that important in the larger scheme of human life, am I unimportant in the larger scheme?

​

Starting from a point of shared vulnerability makes it easier to have compassion. A basis in compassion makes it easier to overcome old prejudices.

[gardenmom5]

I have a child who is intellectually extremely gifted. just about any subject was easy peasy for her. (the number of colleges soliciting her was in the triple digits) - so much so, that intellectual snobbery was a real threat for her. (she had health problems that really slowed her down.)  her university nominated her for a gates foundation scholarship as well as a couple other selective national awards.  I was impressed by the gates foundation as their foremost question was: (you can ask yourself this question) - what will you do with this education (you are fortunate enough to obtain), to make the world a better place?

 

one thing I attempted to drill into her head - everyone has something to offer.  the question is - are *you* humble enough to be taught?  the father of one of our church leaders was a physicist at princeton with albert einstein.  he has shared the story of his father and AE walking along a road, and coming across a farmers field. - and being humble enough to be *taught* by the farmer.  (who was gracious enough to answer their questions.)

 

how do you define intelligence?  colleges?  not everyone has the opportunity to go, and NOT because they're "not smart enough".   some didn't go to college becasue they had learning disabilities that were never accomodated.  or they had to take another path just to survive.  (and survived things some of those "so-called" brilliant college students would have been left floundering.

 

are you familiar with the saying "when they are learned they think they are wise"?   there is a huge difference between having a college education - and wisdom.  (sometimes they'll go together - too often they don't.) the beginning of wisdom is realizing you don't have all the answers, and the importance of people.

 

My friend has a profoundly disabled child. he has taught others much about unconditional love.

 

one other thing I would suggest:

start a gratitude journal.   find at least one *new* thing to write in it everyday.

[Bluegoat]

I think it helps to realize that intelligence is a very narrow gift.  And also, to meet more people of different kinds, and realize that maybe they know more than you do.

 

I remember a mom I knew from an early childhood center when my oldest was a baby.  She probably wouldn't have scored very well on an IQ test.  But she knew a heck of a lot more about managing with a brood of small children, much of which I dismissed until I had a brood myself.  It wasn't I think just that she had more experience either, she didn't have a load of expert advice she was worried about following.

[....]

So, you are a person blessed with intellectual gifts but much more. You were likely:

Born in a developed country

Given an education starting at a young age

Had enough to eat and a place to live so your energy was able to be placed elsewhere--learning

Were healthy enough to stay in school and continue learning

 

 

I don't want to be argumentative, but dh and I didn't meet these guidelines...   :o   DH was born in a country where they lost a percentage of their population to starvation (well, and they have concentration camps).  My FIL said they used to pay an entire day's wages for one gallon of milk.  Some extremely kind person paid for their entire family to come to the States.  He became a US citizen as a teen.

 

And I didn't finish high school (I quit going at 16), but at 17, I had one of the highest scores in the US on a certain exam. 

 

My kids have tested in the gifted range (I've mulled this over a lot), so in the nature vs nurture argument, I am really siding with genetics (nature).  I don't think it's environment.  I think everything is a DNA lottery.  My kids have been raised in the exact same environment and they are all drastically different.  For example, I'm pretty sure my oldest is mildly gifted in math, but my second possibly has an undiagnosed LD with regards to math (dyscalculia?).  My 3rd child is very talented in art - she can draw realistic portraits of people and works with an artist in a studio several times a month...but my 4th child will cry if we even try to do an art project for school.  She can not draw very well at all and it frustrates her to the point where she cries during art.  

 

I also agree with the Theory of Multiple Intelligences and Emotional Intelligence - which can't be measured by an IQ test and our culture doesn't really embrace - especially in the school system.

 

And I very much agree with gardenmom5's suggestions.

[Joules]

Just a guess, but some of it may be realizing that you enjoy spending time with people who can have an intellectual conversation.  So you may not enjoy spending time with these people doing the thing you enjoy most.  Other examples may be a very athletic person not really knowing how to spend time with a clumsy someone who can't manage a game of touch football, or a hunter/fisherman with someone who barfs at the sight of blood and guts.  We may not be naturally drawn to people who we can't enjoy our favorite things with, but if we love them, we find other ways to spend enjoyable time with them. Looking for their strengths and any commonalities might help if this is the case

[....]

I think it helps to realize that intelligence is a very narrow gift. 

 

Yes, and the kind of intelligence our society likes to see is really narrow.  I realized this when I took the ASVAB.  I scored a perfect score on the math section and completely failed (and I mean FAILED!!) the section on tools/mechanics.

Edited August 10, 2016 by Evanthe

[Pam in CT]

You've already gotten a lot of good ideas about intelligence, effort, and unearned gifts.

 

To the specific frame in the OP, about removing one's own bias, I'd encourage you to think twice / thrice / often on Rosie's koan re yardstick.  What aspects of personality and character do you value in others?  Why?  

 

Speaking of my own experience (I too have a dyslexic child, which also informed my evolution here; and also I've just grown up)... when I was young, the attributes I valued most highly in others were intelligence and humor.  Now I am old, and have left childish things behind, and what I value most now are compassion and generosity.  I still value intelligence and humor, but the ranking of those values is much less than it was once.

 

There really is no correlation between the distribution of these four attributes, so my evolved yardstick has helped me appreciate many more people for their strengths.

[Bluegoat]

Yes, and the kind of intelligence our society likes to see is really narrow.  I realized this when I took the ASVAB.  I scored a perfect score on the math section and completely failed (and I mean FAILED!!) the section on tools/mechanics.

 

We use a somewhat different test to get into the military, but when I took it I scored really well on the language sections, and about average on the math ones (mainly because I was very slow not having used those skills for a while.)

 

But there is a section which involves looking at shapes and envisioning what they would look like unfiolded, and vice versa, which I totally tanked.  Not only that, but I started to feel like I might vomit while I was doing it.  Clearly going into mechanical trades was not going to be for me.

[Lecka]

This is just me, but I have known some very bright people who had poor morals.

 

It really keeps me from thinking that high intelligence is the whole package.

 

I have also know very bright people who are thoughtless towards others.

 

These are things I value.

[Bluegoat]

Something else - I have at this point in my life met some very intelligent people who still did not seem to be able to come to logical or reasonable conclusions about things.  We have a national political figure who was quite prominent who used to say and do things that totally perplexed me because he was, by all accounts, a very intelligent man.  Or more personally, I have a several university friends who I know to be very bright, who are professional academics.  But they both come up with some very odd conclusions, where it is very difficult to figure out how a reasonable person could come up with their logic, or they seem to be unable to filter good information from bad.

 

Which is to say - maybe intelligence isn't always as useful at making people smart as we assume it should be.

[Valley Girl]

 

 

one thing I attempted to drill into her head - everyone has something to offer.  the question is - are *you* humble enough to be taught?

 

I think this is so important. Other people have MUCH to teach us.

 

OP--I give you a lot of credit. That kind of introspection and self-awareness is really important. Thank you for the reminder.

[MercyA]

When my son was little I would ask him, "do you think God cares more if you are smart or kind?"

 

This reminds me of a scene from Harvey:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUOxEwCuEgQ

[Guest]

Is it hitting you in the pocketbook or in your time? We just resigned ourselves...set a dollar and time limit that worked with our budget. They have to hit bottom to get enough impetus to force learning to happen to improve their situation. All you can do is let the butterflies struggle till they make it.

[shawthorne44]

I can tell you what worked for me.   Try to learn something you are abysmally bad at.  I've always been bookish, and science/math oriented.  School wasn't easy, I did have to do homework and some study.   So, when others didn't do good, I just thought that they didn't put in the effort, and I looked down on them.  When I wasn't getting something, I did some more problems until I got it.  

 

Then came college language classes.   Boy, did I get my comeuppance.  I studied and I studied diligently.  I spent at least twice the recommended time in the language lab.   Yet, the first time I was called on to say a word in Russian in answer to the English word, The Entire Class Laughed At Me.    Seriously.   They laughed.   This was Russian 101 in Texas, so it wasn't like any of classrooms knew anymore going in than I did.   I didn't learn any Russian.  I learned humility.   

 

So, maybe try to find something that one of family members knows/can do, that you can't and learn it.  

 

[kiana]

I can tell you what worked for me.   Try to learn something you are abysmally bad at.  I've always been bookish, and science/math oriented.  School wasn't easy, I did have to do homework and some study.   So, when others didn't do good, I just thought that they didn't put in the effort, and I looked down on them.  When I wasn't getting something, I did some more problems until I got it.  

 

Then came college language classes.   Boy, did I get my comeuppance.  I studied and I studied diligently.  I spent at least twice the recommended time in the language lab.   Yet, the first time I was called on to say a word in Russian in answer to the English word, The Entire Class Laughed At Me.    Seriously.   They laughed.   This was Russian 101 in Texas, so it wasn't like any of classrooms knew anymore going in than I did.   I didn't learn any Russian.  I learned humility.   

 

So, maybe try to find something that one of family members knows/can do, that you can't and learn it.  

 

This is what really worked for me. I'd always been clumsy and unfit and I started doing martial arts. I was horrible at it for years and years, and they'd say 'left foot' 'other left' 'that's still your right foot' 'it's ok to sit down' 'please sit down before you pass out' etc. It really helped me with understanding people who try and try and try and still don't get it. 

[wintermom]

Everyone has a talent or gift in something, no matter how smart, pretty, size and shape.  Just take the time to look for it and recognize it.  

 

See if you can find opportunities to spend time with adults or children with physical and/or mental disabilities. It will give you a completely different picture of what talents and gifts can look like.

[KungFuPanda]

I'm certain I'm more intelligent than my plumber. My grammar is definitely better. I'd bet my life that my ACT scores were higher. He gets the last laugh every time I write him a big, fat check because none of the brilliant people in my house can handle the situation. He learned a trade, skipped the student loans, has a beautiful home and a thriving business. Maybe he's smarter than all of us. Sometimes I wish I'd studied auto mechanics, carpentry, or learned to be an electrician. You know, jobs you can't really ship overseas??? I'm not feeling so smart anymore.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I have always thought of myself as an open-minded and accepting person, but I am beginning to see that I do in fact have a bias that I need to address. My bias is against less intelligent people. I know, logically, that having lower intelligence is not a person's fault. I think this bias grew in high school when I started honors classes and focusing on "good" colleges - I started to see these as better and more worthy, while average or remedial classes were less than. Now I have a couple important people in my life who have lower than average intelligence, and I am struggling with it. This is an important opportunity for me to remove this bias for good. I am ashamed to admit it, but it is real and it needs to be addressed as soon as possible. How can I tackle this? Again, the logical side of me knows that people of all cognitive abilities are worthy and deserve the best, but some negative thoughts do creep in that I need to eradicate.  Thoughts?

 

I don't know if this will help or not...it's a "keepin' it real" post that is very kindly intentioned...

 

My area of understanding about giftedness tends more toward the "profoundly gifted" end of the spectrum. Can I tell you something about that group? I have yet to meet a PG person, including my own children, who look down on the less intelligent at all.

 

Here's why: PG persons know that they've had their own long row to hoe because their minds work differently from average. Classroom scenarios are challenging, even (especially) at church and other places that are supposedly welcome to all. Anything labeled 'grade level' is bound to be wrong. Others misunderstand. Feeling very different can be very yucky for children.

 

So when they meet someone with a learning difference of any kind, they don't look down on them. They have time to wait on others' brains, just as they wish others would do for them...they are far more likely to focus on the point of the shared activity or job, whether people are kind, whether people are fair, than on whether or not everybody is equally smart! If the shared activity is a poor fit, they may choose not to go back, but I do not hear judgment of others' intelligence given as the reason why. They usually turn it back on themselves -- "I didn't fit in. I didn't understand the method, I guess I don't see why it's fun," etc.

 

So to me, this judgmental tendency does not belong to the true outliers, intelligence-wise. It's usually the province of people who aren't that much smarter than the people they're looking down on...it's a frustrated superiority that is only possible for a person who hasn't had learning challenges of their own. School was easy for them, so they interpret themselves to be very smart, indeed, without knowing that people of higher intelligence frequently can't succeed in school as children!

 

Now, there is a time for a peer group of similarly abled persons. Career choice, guidance counseling for high schoolers...this is when we get real about work environments that are stimulating and help us to reach our own personal potential. But just cruising through life, getting along with neighbors, belonging in society, you are right: There is no place for this bias. I'm glad you are working on it and hope these thoughts will help!

[QueenCat]

I have always thought of myself as an open-minded and accepting person, but I am beginning to see that I do in fact have a bias that I need to address. My bias is against less intelligent people. I know, logically, that having lower intelligence is not a person's fault. I think this bias grew in high school when I started honors classes and focusing on "good" colleges - I started to see these as better and more worthy, while average or remedial classes were less than. Now I have a couple important people in my life who have lower than average intelligence, and I am struggling with it. This is an important opportunity for me to remove this bias for good. I am ashamed to admit it, but it is real and it needs to be addressed as soon as possible. How can I tackle this? Again, the logical side of me knows that people of all cognitive abilities are worthy and deserve the best, but some negative thoughts do creep in that I need to eradicate.  Thoughts?

 

The mere fact that you know you have a bias, and that you want to change it is the most important start to making that change! I'm not sure how to tackle, as it's a bias that is similar to my own. For me, though, it's more about willful ignorance. Not sure how to explain what I mean by that right now. Since it used to be simply ignorance and lower intelligence, I guess I've made strides but I can't really tell you how I did it, other than just trying to be more aware.

[heartlikealion]

Well honestly I think some people who are not doing so well in whatever subject are not applying themselves and/or don't have the resources and/or don't have the support and it may have little to do with their actual intelligence. Remember, a kid who isn't encouraged at home, doesn't have role models in certain areas, etc. is probably not going to come across the same way as someone who does.

 

Basically, don't confuse ignorance with intelligence?

 

Also, remember certain classes = more work/effort. Some people are just not interested in the same things.

[JennSnow]

It's good to acknowledge a bias..to want to work on it to better the relationships in your life :).  Perhaps try spending some time with some folks who are intellectually superior to you.  It might help to knock you down a few pegs in the humility department and give you taste of what it feels like to be on the other end of the equation :).

[HS Mom in NC]

Read eulogies of people who were truly adored.  My personal experience in that department is that when you're dead no one cares if you were smart.  Odds are it won't even get mentioned in the eulogy.  People care about how you loved them and helped them.  Usually when people mention accomplishments and intellect in a eulogy it's because there the deceased didn't do anything that really mattered to people while they were alive.

Watch Forrest Gump.

Hang around highly specialized engineers-you won't be impressed long because their intelligence is really only applicable to their work and doesn't transfer to life in general outside of work projects.  Some are perfectly nice people and some of them are just a$$es unfit for human interaction while they think they're a gift to humanity.

 

Many also suffer the consequences that come from not being fully developed adults because most school and work was easy for them. They're emotionally and mentally stunted if they didn't find other routes to learn resilience. A friend's son was accepted to medical school and is doing research.  He's been warned by his teachers that many really smart people in his situation start having to face the reality of that void and that many crumble under it because they're defective in this way. 

Everything as pros and cons, including high intelligence.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I'm certain I'm more intelligent than my plumber. My grammar is definitely better. I'd bet my life that my ACT scores were higher. He gets the last laugh every time I write him a big, fat check because none of the brilliant people in my house can handle the situation. He learned a trade, skipped the student loans, has a beautiful home and a thriving business. Maybe he's smarter than all of us. Sometimes I wish I'd studied auto mechanics, carpentry, or learned to be an electrician. You know, jobs you can't really ship overseas??? I'm not feeling so smart anymore.

 

Might not want to bet your life on skilled tradesmen having low ACT scores. :D My husband, who is a union electrician, scored in the same range on the SAT as our eldest son who is in college on a merit scholarship. (DH then aced the ASVAB and went to nuke school in the Navy.) My second son beat the nation on the ACT but is applying to the plumbers and steamfitters apprenticeship this week.

 

Some people are unexpectedly very smart -- smart enough to know how they'd rather spend their work day, with tools in their hands instead of in a white collar setting...intelligence doesn't always go to college.

Edited August 10, 2016 by Tibbie Dunbar

[Ausmumof3]

I can tell you what worked for me. Try to learn something you are abysmally bad at. I've always been bookish, and science/math oriented. School wasn't easy, I did have to do homework and some study. So, when others didn't do good, I just thought that they didn't put in the effort, and I looked down on them. When I wasn't getting something, I did some more problems until I got it.

 

Then came college language classes. Boy, did I get my comeuppance. I studied and I studied diligently. I spent at least twice the recommended time in the language lab. Yet, the first time I was called on to say a word in Russian in answer to the English word, The Entire Class Laughed At Me. Seriously. They laughed. This was Russian 101 in Texas, so it wasn't like any of classrooms knew anymore going in than I did. I didn't learn any Russian. I learned humility.

 

So, maybe try to find something that one of family members knows/can do, that you can't and learn it.

This is what did it for me. After my second failed attempt at the driving test I started to get a feel for how other kids felt during maths exams...

[Ausmumof3]

This kind of thing really depends I think. I don't have a major issue with people with low iq who work hard to overcome it. I do really struggle with average people that seem to have no curiosity or desire to learn. That just seems weird to me.

[KungFuPanda]

Might not want to bet your life on skilled tradesmen having low ACT scores. :D My husband, who is a union electrician, scored in the same range on the SAT as our eldest son who is in college on a merit scholarship. (DH then aced the ASVAB and went to nuke school in the Navy.) My second son beat the nation on the ACT but is applying to the plumbers and steamfitters apprenticeship this week.

 

Some people are unexpectedly very smart -- smart enough to know how they'd rather spend their work day, with tools in their hands instead of in a white collar setting...intelligence doesn't always go to college.

From your description, I doubt that your husband's grammar is so horrific that the OP would peg him as less intelligent than herself in the first place so he wouldn't be the type of person who is the topic of this conversation. We ALL know there are brilliant people in every profession. That's not the point. The point is to help the op get past her elitism and realize people have value beyond the way she measures intelligence.

[Mergath]

I remind myself daily that, looking back on my life so far, it's not the smart people I remember. It's the people who were kind to me. Intelligence is wasted (or worse, used for harm) every day, but kindness is never wasted. Every bit of kindness makes the world a better place, even if it's only one person's world.

 

Plus, being smart is easy. Being unfailingly kind and compassionate is really damn hard. I'm academically intelligent all the time with zero effort, but I fail at being kind every single day. My role models are the people who are persistently kind and make it seem effortless.

[MaeFlowers]

I used to feel the way you do. That somehow intelligence made you somehow better in some way (although I'm not sure how). Life proved me wrong.

 

Look around at the people you know. Are the smartest people you know the happiest ones? Do they have the best marriages? Are they the most successful? Chances are, it's spread pretty equally across the board.

 

I've come to the conclusion that intelligence, beyond school, doesn't serve much purpose in a happy, meaningful life. There are other traits that are far more important.

[Slojo]

Well, I guess I'd start interrogating myself about what is meant by "intelligence." I see intelligence as very wide-ranging, and at least somewhat malleable and contextual. I do not mean that there are not qualitative differences in intelligence between any two individuals. It just seems like applying some of the intellectual tools of someone who is "intelligent" would help to widen your sense of "who's intelligent" and why it matters. So what about engaging in a line of thinking like this when that feeling or judgment about someone else comes up: 

 

- Who is intelligent in what ways? What do I mean by intelligence: rocket scientists, physicians, poets, the repair shop guy who doesn't write well but can put together or take apart anything, etc... In all contexts? What am I NOT seeing in this person that makes me feel this way? What about in this circumstance - would they be considered intelligent? Well, how does that apply here? Etc... I am suggesting to be really rigorous with yourself about what is essentially a non-cognitive (oh, the irony), emotionally-driven belief system about intelligence. Attack it with your own intellect. An intelligent person would just keep interrogating that belief system - hold it up to the light and look at it from as many angles as possible.

 

I think that practice just "widens" the notion of intelligence. At least for me - a lot of what I might consider a lack of intelligence is actually not. It's something else - lack of exposure, lack of confidence, being asked to perform in the wrong "intelligence" modality (e..g., visual learner being asked to perform in an auditory mode...).  Life is full of seemingly unintelligent people who just blow me away when I see them in a different context.... And intelligent people who seem absolutely learning challenged when you take them out of their normal environment/routine or ask them to consider ideas or experiences that they just have not considered.

 

There's just so many ways to be intelligent/unintelligent. There's "well, knows five languages" like my mother-in-law intelligent, there's physics professor intelligent, there's started their own company and now just made their first million intelligent, or creative intelligent like the creator of  the Broadway hit Hamilton. Each of them in the other person's environment would be seen as quite unintelligent - really - if that's all you saw or knew of them. I like the idea of learning something you're terrible at (for me it was tennis - and boy did I feel dumb in that environment... and learning Chinese along side my children? Hilarity ensues.)  

 

I mean, we've seen a brain surgeon make a presidential run and fail at political "intelligence" (that is not meant to be partisan, just trying to come up with an example in the recent news); there was that article floating around about the man who grew up in special education (generally not considered intelligent) and is now a celebrated author, Martin Luther King apparently had low test scores, and I don't think there's a person on the planet would would not credit him with intellectual gifts, one of the most strategically intelligent leaders of a social movement, and among the most orally gifted leaders of the modern era - from Stanford archives "King took the examination on 3 February. A table enclosed with the test report indicates that his verbal aptitude score is in the second lowest quartile and his quantitative score is in the lowest ten percent of those taking the test. In the advanced test in philosophy, King's score (on a scale of 100) places him in the lowest third, while his other scores (on a scale of 800) are in the lowest quartile in all the subject areas except literature, where he placed in the top quartile."  Dr. King. Low.verbal.aptitude. The.most.famous.orator.of.the.late.20th.century. Maybe we need to widen our scope for what's considered "intelligent." See if that kind of perspective taking helps you.  

 

Then there's always the "if I got transported back in time 5000 to years ago, I'd probably be considered the village idiot or village lunatic..." type of perspective taking. Personally, I'd have all these modern ideas/exposure to modern knowledge in the abstract, but almost zero applied intelligence about how to bring them to ancient cultures (though as a good social scientist, I'd probably be intelligent enough not to attempt to do so), but I wouldn't know how to grow my own crops, sew my own clothes, sail the ocean without modern navigational technology (or with modern navigational equipment, to be truthful), or survive three winters without modern heating, etc, etc... Me? Village idiot, for sure. 

Edited August 11, 2016 by Slojo

[....]

I mean, we've seen a brain surgeon make a presidential run and fail at political "intelligence" (that is not meant to be partisan, just trying to come up with an example in the recent news); there was that article floating around about the man who grew up in special education (generally not considered intelligent) and is now a celebrated author, Martin Luther King apparently had low test scores, and I don't think there's a person on the planet would would not credit him with intellectual gifts, one of the most strategically intelligent leaders of a social movement, and among the most orally gifted leaders of the modern era - from Stanford archives "King took the examination on 3 February. A table enclosed with the test report indicates that his verbal aptitude score is in the second lowest quartile and his quantitative score is in the lowest ten percent of those taking the test. In the advanced test in philosophy, King's score (on a scale of 100) places him in the lowest third, while his other scores (on a scale of 800) are in the lowest quartile in all the subject areas except literature, where he placed in the top quartile."  Dr. King. Low.verbal.aptitude. The.most.famous.orator.of.the.late.20th.century. Maybe we need to widen our scope for what's considered "intelligent." See if that kind of perspective taking helps you.  

 

 

 

We read several biographies last year, including one about Winston Churchill and Albert Einstein.  One biography said that Churchill actually ranked 3rd from last in his class at school...then the last two kids dropped out...so he became dead last in his class.   :D   And the Einstein biography... I'm trying to remember the details...but something about his uncle or other family member helping him get into college and he had a hard time getting into grad school, because he was difficult to work with (?).  When he became famous, kids would write him letters asking him to solve math problems and he would sometimes get them wrong.   :tongue_smilie:  My kids thought that was hilarious.  One book we read showed a copy of his letter with the math problem and circled what he missed in the problem.

[MercyA]

You know what's helped me with that? This forum. I think I'm fairly intelligent, but the majority of the people I interact with here are MUCH smarter than me. You know who you are.  :D There are so many different kinds of intelligence. So I'm a good test-taker. Big deal. 

 

And seriously, what Mergath said. Being kind is infinitely more important than being smart, which takes no effort at all. My academic accomplishments are basically meaningless now and will be completely meaningless in the life to come. Keep it in perspective.

Edited August 11, 2016 by MercyA

[wintermom]

I have always thought of myself as an open-minded and accepting person, but I am beginning to see that I do in fact have a bias that I need to address. My bias is against less intelligent people. I know, logically, that having lower intelligence is not a person's fault. I think this bias grew in high school when I started honors classes and focusing on "good" colleges - I started to see these as better and more worthy, while average or remedial classes were less than. Now I have a couple important people in my life who have lower than average intelligence, and I am struggling with it. This is an important opportunity for me to remove this bias for good. I am ashamed to admit it, but it is real and it needs to be addressed as soon as possible. How can I tackle this? Again, the logical side of me knows that people of all cognitive abilities are worthy and deserve the best, but some negative thoughts do creep in that I need to eradicate.  Thoughts?

 

I think you'll have ample opportunity to broaden your mindset getting out of the high school and college academic environments, with the adults pressing their biases on you. Of course they are going to uphold the notion that academic intelligence is the best and should be sought after. And there is definitely a place for it, but there are so many different skill-sets that are needed in the world that it's a very good thing not everyone is forced into academia. ;)

 

As you work with your own children, you'll be looking for and noticing areas where they are amazing which will have little to do with academic intelligence. Their ability to repeat things a million times in order to master a skill, without care for failure, is just amazing and inspiring. They will be challenging your own bias and intelligence on a daily basis, too!