Custody changes and teen boys and stuff

[mathnerd]

I am not sure why a 16 year old teen has to take a 15 year old teen along when he goes to hang out with his friends - I never took my sibling along to meet any of my friends in my teens - can you encourage the ds15 to go out and make his own friends? And ds15 will go to school soon and make his own group of friends. Why are you putting pressure on the 16 year old to take him everywhere - it is not his moral obligation at all - if he is polite and nice to your dss, then, there is not much more you can ask from him. I am saying this as a person who has a personality that is radically different from her sibling's and would have never gotten along in a group of friends if I had to tag her along.

[Katy]

I think, though I may be wrong that Scarlet is meaning our friends as in the friends within the religious congregation - and they are not encouraged to have friends outside of their religion. So forming new friends at school would be discouraged and forming friends within the group of already friends is encouraged.......

 

Ah.  Well in that case it will happen naturally sooner or later anyway, and there is NO need for Scarlett to force the issue. The boys are either barely tolerating the religion because their families are forcing them to, in which case they won't care about that expectation, OR they are believers too, in which case sooner or later those friends will pressure DS16 to invite DSS15.

 

DS16 will take the pressure MUCH better from friends than from Mom.

 

ETA: if boys are not true believers, forcing the issue will only compound their reasons to have nothing to do with the religion when they are out of their parents homes and old enough to freely choose.

 

 

If we are talking about JW here, I have two groups of cousins raised in the religion, and of the 5 kids raised in it, only one stayed.  One of the girls.  All of the three boys left, and in both cases, the moms were super controlling about these things, and the boys really resented it.  The others are now split between converting to Southern Baptist and not attending church at all.

Edited August 3, 2016 by Katy

[Retired]

Scarlett you are wanting your son to treat his stepbrother like a guest.  Its just not a natural  thing for a 16yo to take his 15yo brother  with him for social stuff.   My sister that I grew up with was 2 years younger  than me and we didnt' socialized together.

 

Its not being mean it sound like normal sibling attitudes .

 

And yeah my sister would beg to go out with me at 16 cause she couldnt drive yet.  I didn't want my younger siblilng cramping my style.  And if my mom would of tried to make me I would stay home too.  I would felt like my mom was treating me like a child.

The age does not like being told what to do.

 

You can talk to your son and maybe get him to feel some empathy for stepbrother but do not make him it will cause resentment. 

 

So not knowing all the back story.  You get step son for the past 6 years as a visitor.  He is now living with you full time.  I'm guessing your son not being 16 yet and free to roam with his own wheels didn't mind having a built in friend at home.

 

But now he is free and doens' want a hang a long.   It sound to me like just normal teens.

 

We as adult thing gosh 16 year old is cruel selftish kid but he is acting like all 16 yo.

 

I can see making 16yo drive younger sibling to practice or something but not to hang out.

 

The 16 yo want his own automy.  Plus he also has to adjust to a partime visitor stepbrother to a full time borther.  I"m guessing he may also be dealing with maybe a bit of jealousy.    He had you all to himself.  He now has to share. 

 

anyway that's what it sound like to me with the bit you've poster

[Scarlett]

I think, though I may be wrong that Scarlet is meaning our friends as in the friends within the religious congregation - and they are not encouraged to have friends outside of their religion. So forming new friends at school would be discouraged and forming friends within the group of already friends is encouraged.......

Well that and dss 15 will be homeschooled.

 

We have a large very close congregation. They all already know and like dss15.

[Scarlett]

Ah. Well in that case it will happen naturally sooner or later anyway, and there is NO need for Scarlett to force the issue. The boys are either barely tolerating the religion because their families are forcing them to, in which case they won't care about that expectation, OR they are believers too, in which case sooner or later those friends will pressure DS16 to invite DSS15.

 

DS16 will take the pressure MUCH better from friends than from Mom.

 

ETA: if boys are not true believers, forcing the issue will only compound their reasons to have nothing to do with the religion when they are out of their parents homes and old enough to freely choose.

 

 

If we are talking about JW here, I have two groups of cousins raised in the religion, and of the 5 kids raised in it, only one stayed. One of the girls. All of the three boys left, and in both cases, the moms were super controlling about these things, and the boys really resented it. The others are now split between converting to Southern Baptist and not attending church at all.

Wow you are presuming a lot about my boys based upon your knowledge of your family.

 

And what do you mean the moms were super controlling about these things? About wanting the kids to be nice to each other? Were there no dads in the house?

[Scarlett]

Scarlett you are wanting your son to treat his stepbrother like a guest. Its just not a natural thing for a 16yo to take his 15yo brother with him for social stuff. My sister that I grew up with was 2 years younger than me and we didnt' socialized together.

 

Its not being mean it sound like normal sibling attitudes .

 

And yeah my sister would beg to go out with me at 16 cause she couldnt drive yet. I didn't want my younger siblilng cramping my style. And if my mom would of tried to make me I would stay home too. I would felt like my mom was treating me like a child.

The age does not like being told what to do.

 

You can talk to your son and maybe get him to feel some empathy for stepbrother but do not make him it will cause resentment.

 

So not knowing all the back story. You get step son for the past 6 years as a visitor. He is now living with you full time. I'm guessing your son not being 16 yet and free to roam with his own wheels didn't mind having a built in friend at home.

 

But now he is free and doens' want a hang a long. It sound to me like just normal teens.

 

We as adult thing gosh 16 year old is cruel selftish kid but he is acting like all 16 yo.

 

I can see making 16yo drive younger sibling to practice or something but not to hang out.

 

The 16 yo want his own automy. Plus he also has to adjust to a partime visitor stepbrother to a full time borther. I"m guessing he may also be dealing with maybe a bit of jealousy. He had you all to himself. He now has to share.

 

anyway that's what it sound like to me with the bit you've poster

Thank you. I guess I just needed to hear that it is normal.

[Scarlett]

I am not sure why a 16 year old teen has to take a 15 year old teen along when he goes to hang out with his friends - I never took my sibling along to meet any of my friends in my teens - can you encourage the ds15 to go out and make his own friends? And ds15 will go to school soon and make his own group of friends. Why are you putting pressure on the 16 year old to take him everywhere - it is not his moral obligation at all - if he is polite and nice to your dss, then, there is not much more you can ask from him. I am saying this as a person who has a personality that is radically different from her sibling's and would have never gotten along in a group of friends if I had to tag her along.

Dss15 will be homeschooled. These various friends are all of our friends. It isn't a bunch of teens hanging out alone.

 

I took my brother with me a lot. He is 4 1/2 years younger. There were also times I went with my friends without him.

[zoobie]

Did you take DSS on to swimming without DS?

 

Does DSS have a phone or means to make plans with friends separate from DS?

[Xahm]

Perhaps ask your older son each time there is conflict to write down what he's feeling and what he thinks you and his step brother might be feeling. Offer to look at it with him when he's ready, but let him keep it private if he wants. My thinking on this is that it may help him process his thoughts and once he he has processed it, reading his thoughts may allow you to process his ideas a few moments before reacting. If he does let you read, I'd take it to another room to read. My face reacts strongly and I wouldn't want him to feel judged if I was momentarily angered or amused by what he wrote. After you've processed his ideas, decide whether it will work better to talk it through or write out your own thoughts for him to read and process in private. I know that at some points in my teen years it would have been easier to communicate with my parents on paper as long as they took whatever I wrote seriously. I mean, some of my thoughts at that age were absurd, but they were serious to me and treating them as absurd would shut down all communication for a long time.

[ktgrok]

Is there a way for these friends to invite DSS themselves, without going through DS?

[Janeway]

I can see having him make time for step brother once in a while is reasonable. Maybe say once a week, he has to do something with his step brother. BUT, he does not have to take the brother along with the friends. His choice. He can make a day for doing stuff with the brother by himself, or he can include his friends. But I would not force brother to "share" his friends with step brother.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

 

You can't force it.

If you try, you will just make it more difficult.

 

Dss15 has to make friends in the group himself and be included for his own sake. If he is active in the church/youth group/homeschool group activities as a whole then that should happen in time.

 

By insisting ds16 take dss15 along you are making it harder for both kids.

[Katy]

Wow you are presuming a lot about my boys based upon your knowledge of your family.

 

And what do you mean the moms were super controlling about these things? About wanting the kids to be nice to each other? Were there no dads in the house?

 

The moms tried to micromanage everything about the kids and their friends and who they were friends with and forcing them to pretend to be close friends to people who weren't.  The older they got, the more their mothers fussed, worried, and controlled.  Normally the older kids get, the less parents interfere.  There were dads, who were close, but the dads just shrugged it off, "He's practically grown, shouldn't he choose his own friends?" But never forced the issue with either the kids or the wife.  Both families were like this.  In both instances the moms cared more about religious denomination and appearance than the dads.

[ktgrok]

Are there official type group events, where DSS can go without your DS inviting him? Like a weekly event or something? If so, then it really is up to DSS at those events to make some friends and exchange phone numbers or contact info, so they can invite him to less formal events directly. Maybe talk to DSS about being more proactive about talking to people when he's there (thinking maybe if he is quiet at home, he's quiet there?) and asking people, "hey, next time you guys get together, can you text/call/email/message me?"  That way invitations don't go through DS. 

[zoobie]

Also, is there anything DSS is interested in that can be "his" group of friends? Sports, music, something...

[lllll]

nm

Edited August 7, 2016 by ~ d9n

[purplejackmama]

You can't force it.

If you try, you will just make it more difficult.

 

Dss15 has to make friends in the group himself and be included for his own sake. If he is active in the church/youth group/homeschool group activities as a whole then that should happen in time.

 

By insisting ds16 take dss15 along you are making it harder for both kids.

I agree with all of this. Don't micromanage this. You're making it weird for everyone.

[FaithManor]

Dss15 came here for our life. Religiously, friendships, lifestyle.....he chose us. Even though he loves his mom. And it took a lot of courage to tell his mom he wanted to live here. And yes you remember correctly there has been a lot of drama with his mom and my Dh.....it just never stops.

 

Ideally I would like ds16 to have some compassion for dss15. Include him. Help him feel a part of the crowd. But the truth is ds16 is way too caught up in his own feelings and girls to even think straight.

 

I do like the idea of sitting ds16 down privately and telling him to include ds15 in an appropriate manner or he will not like the way I do it.

 

Teens are hard.

Hmmm...well, 16 is pretty old for trying to force something as the relationship would not have formed naturally.

 

I think I'd be inclined to focus on family events for all four of you. Trip to the beach, nature hike, church together, family photos, things that allow you and dh to role model treating both boys as much loved, permanent family members - the we are all in this together factor. He needs first to feel the love from you and dh, and then maybe as they mature, in adulthood, a true brotherly relationship will form. But I wouldn't try to force ds to think brotherly about dss and vice versa because it won't work. There is nothing wrong with carving out a couple of evenings and some weekends  though that ds must attend family, memory making events.

 

This was how our friends who fostered and then adopted many children did it. One of their first events was going out with the camera and getting photos of everyone fooling around together, having fun, and then framing them and lining the walls with them so that the new child instantly felt like an effort was made to include him or her by creating history together. Then they followed up with a celebration, and if possible, some sort of vacation that took all of the other children out of their social groups and threw everyone into the same "pot" so to speak, or weekend excursions. Sometimes they looked for whole family volunteer projects like working a night at the soup kitchen. Anything that got them working together, playing together, in a positive way without requiring the established kids to be a forced buddy, or feel like they couldn't have their own friendships due to "tag a long".

 

Once school starts, I would imagine that dss will have an opportunity to make some friends of his own which will be good. You could say to ds that part of the privilege of having and driving a car is he will be called upon to occasionally be the taxi service for dss to get to a social event that doesn't include ds. Turn around is fair. Commute time might be beneficial as it will feel like a normal thing that older sibs do for younger sibs.

[Jen500]

Will ds15 actually have the opportunity to meet other kids that aren't already friends with ds16?

[Scarlett]

Thanks all. You have given me a lot to think on as always. I talked to ds16 and told him I wasn't going to force him to include dss15.

 

I guess dss15 will just have to get his own invitations. So then what, I drive dss15 and ds16 drives himself? That seems so ridiculous to me.

 

We did just take a big family vacation. Just the 4 of us to NYC for 8 days. They seemed to get on fine.

[Tap]

Thanks all. You have given me a lot to think on as always. I talked to ds16 and told him I wasn't going to force him to include dss15.

 

I guess dss15 will just have to get his own invitations. So then what, I drive dss15 and ds16 drives himself? That seems so ridiculous to me.

 

We did just take a big family vacation. Just the 4 of us to NYC for 8 days. They seemed to get on fine.

Yep, that is what you do.  DS16 isn't the parent or chauffeur.  Give him some time and grace, maybe he will offer, maybe he won't but allow him to make the decision.  

 

If there is a time that ds16 is going some place like church and driving Only himself (no friends), then maybe you can ask him privately if dss15 can ride with him.  Ask him privately and if he says no, just accept it and say "okay, no biggie, just thought I would ask".

 

Be open with ds16 and tell him "if there is ever a time that I am driving dss15 to a place that you are going, and if you would be ok with him riding with you instead, please let me know.  Doing it once, doesn't mean it has to be an all-the-time thing.  It can just be once in a while, and that is okay. But, if on occasion, you would be willing to spare me the extra drive, I would appreciate it."  And leave it with that. 

[MomatHWTK]

Who purchased the 16 y.o.'s car, pays insurance and gas? If he doesn't own it outright and pay all the expenses, and they were both independently invited to the same location I would tell oldest that he can either share the ride in his car or he can share the ride in mommy's car- but two cars aren't going. 

[barnwife]

Yep, that is what you do.  DS16 isn't the parent or chauffeur.  Give him some time and grace, maybe he will offer, maybe he won't but allow him to make the decision.  

 

If there is a time that ds16 is going some place like church and driving Only himself (no friends), then maybe you can ask him privately if dss15 can ride with him.  Ask him privately and if he says no, just accept it and say "okay, no biggie, just thought I would ask".

 

Be open with ds16 and tell him "if there is ever a time that I am driving dss15 to a place that you are going, and if you would be ok with him riding with you instead, please let me know.  Doing it once, doesn't mean it has to be an all-the-time thing.  It can just be once in a while, and that is okay. But, if on occasion, you would be willing to spare me the extra drive, I would appreciate it."  And leave it with that. 

I think this is good advice...unless it's your car DS16 is driving. Then I think there *might* be an exception.

 

In the family I grew up in, if a driving sibling wanted the privilege of driving a parental vehicle regularly, that came with certain conditions. One of those was being willing to drive younger siblings certain places. Mostly that was school, but other things sometime applied. When Driving Kid balked, parents simply said, "Find your own vehicle then."

 

In this case, I would only apply it rarely to friend get-togethers. And only if DSS15 receives an invitation from someone not DS16. 

 

Now all that said, my oldest is just 6 so what do I know?

 

I hope everyone is able to weather this transition gracefully.

 

 

 

[ktgrok]

Thanks all. You have given me a lot to think on as always. I talked to ds16 and told him I wasn't going to force him to include dss15.

 

I guess dss15 will just have to get his own invitations. So then what, I drive dss15 and ds16 drives himself? That seems so ridiculous to me.

 

We did just take a big family vacation. Just the 4 of us to NYC for 8 days. They seemed to get on fine.

 

No, I think if DSS has been invited, on his own, it is reasonable to ask DS to give him a ride/carpool. That's reasonable. But only if he's already invited. 

[Katy]

Who purchased the 16 y.o.'s car, pays insurance and gas? If he doesn't own it outright and pay all the expenses, and they were both independently invited to the same location I would tell oldest that he can either share the ride in his car or he can share the ride in mommy's car- but two cars aren't going. 

 

I'm not certain I'm not mixing up with another poster, but I think a few months back it was revealed that DS16's bio dad bought him the new car.  It was causing problems because DSS15 wouldn't get that sort of luxury.  Or any luxury.  Maybe a couple grand towards a used car, max.

[Ravin]

Thanks all. You have given me a lot to think on as always. I talked to ds16 and told him I wasn't going to force him to include dss15.

 

I guess dss15 will just have to get his own invitations. So then what, I drive dss15 and ds16 drives himself? That seems so ridiculous to me.

 

We did just take a big family vacation. Just the 4 of us to NYC for 8 days. They seemed to get on fine.

 

It is a different situation, the way I see it, if they are both invited somewhere and say they want to go, for your DS to change his mind as soon as he learns his brother is going. That would be a reason in my book to lose driving privileges.

 

A lot would depend on the context of the invitation. If your DS16 is invited somewhere by a friend, he should not be expected to invite his brother to come along, but if they are BOTH asked, refusing just because his brother is going is rude both to the person who invited him and to his brother. 

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

Thanks all. You have given me a lot to think on as always. I talked to ds16 and told him I wasn't going to force him to include dss15.

 

I guess dss15 will just have to get his own invitations. So then what, I drive dss15 and ds16 drives himself? That seems so ridiculous to me.

 

We did just take a big family vacation. Just the 4 of us to NYC for 8 days. They seemed to get on fine.

I know it seems ridiculous, but if you want to foster a positive relationship between them it's a necessary step.

[OneStepAtATime]

Thanks all. You have given me a lot to think on as always. I talked to ds16 and told him I wasn't going to force him to include dss15.

 

I guess dss15 will just have to get his own invitations. So then what, I drive dss15 and ds16 drives himself? That seems so ridiculous to me.

 

We did just take a big family vacation. Just the 4 of us to NYC for 8 days. They seemed to get on fine.

Good luck and best wishes.  I hope it works out for all of you.  This is going to take time and adjustment for everyone but hopefully things will start getting into a healthier groove eventually.

[Scarlett]

Ds16's car is not brand new and far from a luxury car. His dad bought it and he pays the insurance. I don't recall saying it has caused problems..... Except in my mind because I feel bad we can't buy dss15 as nice of a car.

[Annie G]

Ds16's car is not brand new and far from a luxury car. His dad bought it and he pays the insurance. I don't recall saying it has caused problems..... Except in my mind because I feel bad we can't buy dss15 as nice of a car.

 

 

Do you have any say in how ds uses his car? Our kids have always used one of our cars so we were always able to set some ground rules. But if you didn't buy the car and don't pay the insurance, I can see where you might find it difficult to insist that ds drive dss even when they are going the same place.  I see that kind of thing all the time when one parent buys a kid a cell phone and the custodial parent then finds it hard to set boundaries on its use. 

 

Gosh, I think if they are going to the same event then they should ride together unless ds has a compelling reason. 

[Scarlett]

I absolutely have full control of when and how ds16 uses his car. Dh backs me totally on that.

[regentrude]

It would never have occurred to me that teenage siblings should have the same friends. This was not the case with mine, nor do I observe it in any family I know, even if siblings are close in age, of same gender, and have grown up together. They usually have their own circle of friends. They have separate interests and are separate people. They may go through periods of not even wanting to hang out with their siblings at all. And sometimes one sibling does not like the other sibling's friends.

 

I do not think that forcing your DS to have DSS tag along will do anything to improve their relationship. Your DS made it quite clear with the swimming incident. How is he feeling about having his step brother move in and being there now permanently? Have you talked about this? 

 

OTOH, asking him to give a non-driving sibling a ride somewhere seems perfectly reasonable. 

Edited August 3, 2016 by regentrude

[ktgrok]

It would never have occurred to me that teenage siblings should have the same friends. This was not the case with mine, nor do I observe it in any family I know, even if siblings are close in age, of same gender, and have grown up together. They usually have their own circle of friends. 

 

 

Yes, but it sound like there is a small group of teens that all hang out together, from her church. So instead of in a public high school with hundreds or thousands teens, where they could each find their own niche, there might be a dozen teens, of various ages, that all hang out together. My son's homeschool group is exactly like that. All high school kids hang out together, so a 15 yr old and  16 yr old in the group wouldn't have a separate group of friends, although they may well have separate BEST friends. Everyone just hangs out together mostly though. 

 

If that is the situation with these siblings, it makes sense they'd have the same friends, there are no other options really. 

[Scarlett]

In our circle of friends it is not unususl at all for families to Be friends therefore yes siblings, especially so close in age have the same friends.

 

And I think everyone is missing the point that dss15 is already friends with them.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

In our circle of friends it is not unususl at all for families to Be friends therefore yes siblings, especially so close in age have the same friends.

 

And I think everyone is missing the point that dss15 is already friends with them.

 

Then why did you say DS16 "has his own car and friends" in your first post?

[hjffkj]

In our circle of friends it is not unususl at all for families to Be friends therefore yes siblings, especially so close in age have the same friends.

 

And I think everyone is missing the point that dss15 is already friends with them.

So what is stopping him from calling them up and setting up a time to hang out?

 

In the case of both boys being invited to an event I think it is reasonable for your ds to drive dss. But if he changes his mind and chooses not to go then you should drive your dss and not allow your ds to then drive himself after the fact.

Edited August 3, 2016 by hjffkj

[zoobie]

I would just drive DSS. Yes, it's ridiculous. Yes, your DS if he were 30 would probably make a different call. But he's 16, and his life has had a major disruption. They're already limited to a very small pool of people to socialize. DSS is now direct, constant competition for friends and girls whereas before he was only a visitor. You'll be pushing him away from you, his step brother, and the church's activities if you force the issue. Sooner or later, a friend or mentor in the church will ask him why on earth he isn't giving DSS a ride.

[Joules]

I would definitely say that if you want them to have a long term relationship, don't force anything now.

 

I'm not sure why dss15 wasn't invited to the same things ds16 was since you say they are all friends.  But keep in mind, it might be at the friend's preference, not just your ds16.  It's an age where kids want to be able to talk with a friend that they feel close to and trust.  The friend isn't going to be comfortable, if ds16 shows up with his brother.  Even if he knows him, it totally changes the dynamic.

[fairfarmhand]

SO this one event, it was a generic invitation for "family members?"  Not just your teen son?

 

If there are large blanket invitations for the whole family, I'd say, "Ds do you want to go? Yes, okay you can go."

 

Dss, do you want to go? Yes, okay. Ds, shall I drive him or do you mind his riding with you?

 

This allows ds to be independent of dss a bit so he won't see you as forcing the younger step on him.

 

If Ds says, Nevermind,

 

You say, Alright. I guess, I'll drive dss.

 

Be cheerful and oblivious. Act like they are separate entities with separate interests and separate friends.

[2squared]

Am I reading this correctly that your sons are only allowed to have friends from your congregation? That will probably be part of the problem here, especially if dss doesn't fit into whatever mold the congregation is.

 

Like others have posted, I don't expect my kids to have the same group of friends. In fact, I encourage them to have different friends. They all need to have separate outlets.

 

I have had step sibs, and you will fail miserably if expect they should be friends or act like brothers. Both of them will resent living under those expectations.

[Scarlett]

Am I reading this correctly that your sons are only allowed to have friends from your congregation? That will probably be part of the problem here, especially if dss doesn't fit into whatever mold the congregation is.

 

Like others have posted, I don't expect my kids to have the same group of friends. In fact, I encourage them to have different friends. They all need to have separate outlets.

 

I have had step sibs, and you will fail miserably if expect they should be friends or act like brothers. Both of them will resent living under those expectations.

The boys seem fine with their pool of friends. It isn't just our congregation.....there are several neighboring ones with teens and young adults that also hang out together.

 

I keep saying this over and over but I dont expect them to be friends or act like brothers, but I also don't think it is acceptable for ds16 to always exclude dss15.

 

Tonight ds16 went to dinner with his dad and then stopped by a friends house in town. So that doesn't seem weird to me....I sure didn't expect him to come pick up dss15 and take him with him.

 

Dh and I talked and I shared some of what you are all saying. We think it will be fine. We will just work to help dss15 fit in independently of ds16.

[katilac]

You might want to make some of the other parents aware that an invite given to ds might not be passed on to dss. I know that I wouldn't think of inviting people individually if I tell one person and say the whole family's invited, or all the teens are invited. 

[OneStepAtATime]

The boys seem fine with their pool of friends. It isn't just our congregation.....there are several neighboring ones with teens and young adults that also hang out together.

 

I keep saying this over and over but I dont expect them to be friends or act like brothers, but I also don't think it is acceptable for ds16 to always exclude dss15.

 

Tonight ds16 went to dinner with his dad and then stopped by a friends house in town. So that doesn't seem weird to me....I sure didn't expect him to come pick up dss15 and take him with him.

 

Dh and I talked and I shared some of what you are all saying. We think it will be fine. We will just work to help dss15 fit in independently of ds16.

Good luck and best wishes.  

[Scarlett]

You might want to make some of the other parents aware that an invite given to ds might not be passed on to dss. I know that I wouldn't think of inviting people individually if I tell one person and say the whole family's invited, or all the teens are invited.

Yes I thought of this too. People are not yet accustomed to dss15 being here full time. A friend called and asked ds16 to work and a day later she texted me back and said she had forgotten about ds15 and did he want to work too.

 

We have a pool party planned for sat. I think it will help.

[Tap]

In our circle of friends it is not unususl at all for families to Be friends therefore yes siblings, especially so close in age have the same friends.

 

And I think everyone is missing the point that dss15 is already friends with them.

Was he friends as in:

 

He saw the kids at church and they were nice to him.

 

Or

 

When everyone was at your house, dss15 is in the living room at the same time as everyone else, and they talked and joked with him'

 

Or

 

Ds16 used to let dss15 go in the car quite often and to do things with him plus friends, but now he stopped allowing him to go?

 

 

 

Did dss15 ever hang out with the teens alone, without ds16?  Did he get invited places by the friends? I guess what I am wondering, is if dss15 has a more substantial connection with one or two. If he does, maybe you can see if dss15 wants to invite them to the movie or to hang out together.  Even if it is just walking around the mall or playing video games in the living room.  

[Scarlett]

Was he friends as in:

 

He saw the kids at church and they were nice to him.

 

Or

 

When everyone was at your house, dss15 is in the living room at the same time as everyone else, and they talked and joked with him'

 

Or

 

Ds16 used to let dss15 go in the car quite often and to do things with him plus friends, but now he stopped allowing him to go?

 

 

 

Did dss15 ever hang out with the teens alone, without ds16? Did he get invited places by the friends? I guess what I am wondering, is if dss15 has a more substantial connection with one or two. If he does, maybe you can see if dss15 wants to invite them to the movie or to hang out together. Even if it is just walking around the mall or playing video games in the living room.

I guess I would say ds16 is more friends with them than ds15 is. Naturally I think because ds15 has been here only part time. But definitely friends.

 

Ds16 has only had his license since March. And no he has not changed the way he does or does not take dss15 with him.

 

I am going to quietly work to help hold these friendships with dss15 without always involving ds16. Honestly though it will seem weird if I get a few kids together to do something and not invite ds16.

[hjffkj]

I am going to quietly work to help hold these friendships with dss15 without always involving ds16. Honestly though it will seem weird if I get a few kids together to do something and not invite ds16.

What I don't understand is why you have to get kids together? Your dss is 15. Why isnt he the one to make plans with these friends, either with or without your 16 year old.

 

Besides if you are the one making the plans why would you exclude the 16 year old? Isn't that doing the same thing to him that he is doing to the 15 year old, which you think he shouldn't be doing.

 

It is one thing for teenagers to exclude people, it is entirely different for an adult to arrange an event and then exclude specifics kids.

[purplejackmama]

What I don't understand is why you have to get kids together? Your dss is 15. Why isnt he the one to make plans with these friends, either with or without your 16 year old.

 

Besides if you are the one making the plans why would you exclude the 16 year old? Isn't that doing the same thing to him that he is doing to the 15 year old, which you think he shouldn't be doing.

 

It is one thing for teenagers to exclude people, it is entirely different for an adult to arrange an event and then exclude specifics kids.

Right. Seriously you are going to have to just let this go. I understand you really want to make these friendships and have your boys hang out together with church friends but you can't. The more you mettle the weirder this feels for everyone. Take a deep breath and relax. Don't force this.

[Scarlett]

What I don't understand is why you have to get kids together? Your dss is 15. Why isnt he the one to make plans with these friends, either with or without your 16 year old.

 

Besides if you are the one making the plans why would you exclude the 16 year old? Isn't that doing the same thing to him that he is doing to the 15 year old, which you think he shouldn't be doing.

 

It is one thing for teenagers to exclude people, it is entirely different for an adult to arrange an event and then exclude specifics kids.

15 year old can't drive. How is he going to make his own plans?

 

I don't consider it meddling to make plans so dss15 can do things with friends. But you are right I shouldn't exclude ds16.

[Scarlett]

Right. Seriously you are going to have to just let this go. I understand you really want to make these friendships and have your boys hang out together with church friends but you can't. The more you mettle the weirder this feels for everyone. Take a deep breath and relax. Don't force this.

I keep saying this......I don't expect them to be friends. I just don't want dss15 excluded every time, just because ds16 is a year older and has a license and a car. I want kindness and respect and I want dss15 to feel part of the family and our circle of friends.