Custody changes and teen boys and stuff

[hjffkj]

15 year old can't drive. How is he going to make his own plans?

 

I don't consider it meddling to make plans so dss15 can do things with friends. But you are right I shouldn't exclude ds16.

Well part of the planning is finding transportation. Generally, what I used to do is figure out what I wanted to do with friends and then we'd figure out a time that a parent could transport us to whatever it was. I personally would have felt like a little kid if my mom was still planning my activities at that age. But maybe your dss will appreciate it.

 

I hope they can figure out a balance on this new living arrangement.

[Scarlett]

Well part of the planning is finding transportation. Generally, what I used to do is figure out what I wanted to do with friends and then we'd figure out a time that a parent could transport us to whatever it was. I personally would have felt like a little kid if my mom was still planning my activities at that age. But maybe your dss will appreciate it.

 

I hope they can figure out a balance on this new living arrangement.

That would be very strange for either boy to make plans to go something and then ask another parent to drive them. Sometimes kids come up with an idea and start inviting their friends but parents are involved. Parents usually decide which parent is going or maybe we all go....

 

I don't want to just wait for ds15 to ask to get friends together.

 

Whenever I ask these questions I am amazed at how different peoples lives can be. My question on this thread was 'how often should I let ds16 exclude dss15'. I am really shocked at the number of people who say they never had to include their sibling or that they never had friends in common. i can't say I know anyone like that.

[purplejackmama]

15 year old can't drive. How is he going to make his own plans?

 

I don't consider it meddling to make plans so dss15 can do things with friends. But you are right I shouldn't exclude ds16.

I guess we just have agree to disagree. At 15 setting up outings is very much meddling, in my opinion. I would have been MORTIFIED if my stepmom was doing this. Gosh even with my oldest (he's 13) I think he would think it was weird.

[Scarlett]

I guess we just have agree to disagree. At 15 setting up outings is very much meddling, in my opinion. I would have been MORTIFIED if my stepmom was doing this. Gosh even with my oldest (he's 13) I think he would think it was weird.

Lol......that is just so different from my world. How does your 13 year old get places?

[Tap]

I guess I would say ds16 is more friends with them than ds15 is. Naturally I think because ds15 has been here only part time. But definitely friends.

 

Ds16 has only had his license since March. And no he has not changed the way he does or does not take dss15 with him.

 

I am going to quietly work to help hold these friendships with dss15 without always involving ds16. Honestly though it will seem weird if I get a few kids together to do something and not invite ds16.

 

But not everyone has to be invited to every event.  If dss15 gets ahold of a friend or two and they decide to go to the movies, then HE can decide if he wants to invite ds16 or not.   If he wants to invite him, great.  Even if ds16 decides to not go, then he knows the offer was extended. If ds15 decides to not invite ds16, then that is great too.  It gives him a chance to have more of a primary role with the other kids.  I think you said that ds15 is a quiet guy, so that will give him  a chance to have one less person to deal with.

 

Also, I wouldn't say for you to arrange it.  I would offer to dss15 to take a couple of them to xyz and have Him invite them.  If he doesn't want to do it, then let it be.  I would just let him know that you are willing to do the driving and pay for it if you can.  

 

Before dd got her license I was the driver a lot for her group of friends. She would either ask me ahead of time if I was available at  certain time, or I would offer.  I would tell her, "if you guys want to go to the movies tonight, I can drive between 8pm and 12am, so if you think you may want to go, pick something that works for those hours please".  And I would leave it at that.  I wasn't calling the teens, just giving dd a suggestion and the times I was available. Otherwise, they woudn't think about planning for a movie and miss the earlier shows, and want me to pick them up from a 1am showing.  

Edited August 4, 2016 by Tap

[purplejackmama]

Lol......that is just so different from my world. How does your 13 year old get places?

He makes the plans. I think that's what you are missing. In my world, as teenagers, moms are no longer organizing play dates.

[Scarlett]

It isn't like me arranging a play date.

 

I might say hey you boys want to go to a movie? If they say yes I ask them if they want to invite some friends and it goes from there. They never act mortified.

 

We are having a pool party Sat. I called them in and asked them who they wanted to invite. Ds15 is excited. Ds16 isn't. But he wants to go do his own thing all of the time these days. I get it....I remember it. He has a car and he loves the independence. And some of that is fine. But it isn't going to be happening all the time.

[hjffkj]

That would be very strange for either boy to make plans to go something and then ask another parent to drive them. Sometimes kids come up with an idea and start inviting their friends but parents are involved. Parents usually decide which parent is going or maybe we all go....

 

I don't want to just wait for ds15 to ask to get friends together.

 

Whenever I ask these questions I am amazed at how different peoples lives can be. My question on this thread was 'how often should I let ds16 exclude dss15'. I am really shocked at the number of people who say they never had to include their sibling or that they never had friends in common. i can't say I know anyone like that.

Interesting. My siblings and I never had the same friends. If a friend of someone's was hanging out at our house they were treated as one of the family so all the other siblings hung out with them as well. Friends would come on family trips with us and everyone would hang out. But if I ever wanted to just hang out at a friend's house or go to the movies with them there was never an expectation that a sibling should be invited as well.

 

But we were also friends with each other so when we wanted to hang out together we would. So on rare occasions my brother would come with me to hang out with my friends but they were not his friends. He would have a good time with them but at no point did he ever want to hang out with any withoute around.

 

Now as adults we all have many friends in common and many of our huge events consist of our mutual friends and our families.

[Scarlett]

But not everyone has to be invited to every event. If dss15 gets ahold of a friend or two and they decide to go to the movies, then HE can decide if he wants to invite ds16 or not. If he wants to invite him, great. Even if ds16 decides to not go, then he knows the offer was extended. If ds15 decides to not invite ds16, then that is great too. It gives him a chance to have more of a primary role with the other kids. I think you said that ds15 is a quiet guy, so that will give him a chance to have one less person to deal with.

 

Also, I wouldn't say for you to arrange it. I would offer to dss15 to take a couple of them to xyz and have Him invite them. If he doesn't want to do it, then let it be. I would just let him know that you are willing to do the driving and pay for it if you can.

Well that is how it happens. It they are a pretty tight group and they usually invite everyone every time. I really don't think that has to happen every time....but it usually does.

[hjffkj]

It isn't like me arranging a play date.

 

I might say hey you boys want to go to a movie? If they say yes I ask them if they want to invite some friends and it goes from there. They never act mortified.

 

We are having a pool party Sat. I called them in and asked them who they wanted to invite. Ds15 is excited. Ds16 isn't. But he wants to go do his own thing all of the time these days. I get it....I remember it. He has a car and he loves the independence. And some of that is fine. But it isn't going to be happening all the time.

But do they never approach you saying "so and so wants to go to the movies, is today a good time for you to drop me off?" With your 16 I specifically mean before he could drive. This is all I ever did with my mom in my teens before I could drive. Or I'd say, " can I stay at Kat's tonight? Her mom can pick me up on her way home from work if you driving me isn't convenient." Kat would have already asked her mom if she could pick me up. If she said no then I would just ask my mom to drive me. If neither parent could I could ask siblings. if no one could we'd arrange a better day where someone could drive me.

 

My mom suggesting I invite friends to a movie outing never happened because I proactively made those arrangements myself. A family pool party is different entirely though.

[Tap]

I keep saying this......I don't expect them to be friends. I just don't want dss15 excluded every time, just because ds16 is a year older and has a license and a car. I want kindness and respect and I want dss15 to feel part of the family and our circle of friends.

If they aren't friends, they aren't going to want to hang out together.  They don't have to be BFFs but dd16 isn't going to want dss15 hanging around if he doesn't like him or consider him a friend.

[fairfarmhand]

It isn't like me arranging a play date.

 

I might say hey you boys want to go to a movie? If they say yes I ask them if they want to invite some friends and it goes from there. They never act mortified.

 

We are having a pool party Sat. I called them in and asked them who they wanted to invite. Ds15 is excited. Ds16 isn't. But he wants to go do his own thing all of the time these days. I get it....I remember it. He has a car and he loves the independence. And some of that is fine. But it isn't going to be happening all the time.

For my dd, the raging independence calmed down after about a year. She began to get tired of driving everywhere and sometimes wanted friends over here so she didn't have to drive. At that point, she didn't mind younger siblings hanging around her and her friends at home as long as they weren't annoying. And no, just their being there (unless it was private girl time) was not annoying. It was when they started making rude sounds, and being goofy.

[Scarlett]

For my dd, the raging independence calmed down after about a year. She began to get tired of driving everywhere and sometimes wanted friends over here so she didn't have to drive. At that point, she didn't mind younger siblings hanging around her and her friends at home as long as they weren't annoying. And no, just their being there (unless it was private girl time) was not annoying. It was when they started making rude sounds, and being goofy.

Ok this is good to know. I can see he is just finding his own footing in life.

[Scarlett]

If they aren't friends, they aren't going to want to hang out together. They don't have to be BFFs but dd16 isn't going to want dss15 hanging around if he doesn't like him or consider him a friend.

I think they like each other fine. I am just saying I am not trying to force them to be friends. This is mostly about dss16 being a new driver, wanting to be on his own and not have anyone in his family cramp his style. He can have some of that.....but he is t going to exit the family. And that includes that he will sometimes take his step brother when he goes somewhere.

[Scarlett]

But do they never approach you saying "so and so wants to go to the movies, is today a good time for you to drop me off?" With your 16 I specifically mean before he could drive. This is all I ever did with my mom in my teens before I could drive. Or I'd say, " can I stay at Kat's tonight? Her mom can pick me up on her way home from work if you driving me isn't convenient." Kat would have already asked her mom if she could pick me up. If she said no then I would just ask my mom to drive me. If neither parent could I could ask siblings. if no one could we'd arrange a better day where someone could drive me.

 

My mom suggesting I invite friends to a movie outing never happened because I proactively made those arrangements myself. A family pool party is different entirely though.

I agree pool party is different.

 

But you weren't in dss15 situation. Newly living full time somewhere. This is a big adjustment for dss and we all want him to feel as comfortable as we can. Thankfully Dh and I agree on how to handle this situation with regards to ds16 and wanting to exclude dss15 ever time he leaves the house.

[Valley Girl]

I haven't read the whole thread yet, but I'm wondering...could you ask DS16 what he IS willing to do to help DSS15 adjust into full-time family life? He might surprise you and be more willing to follow through if he feels it's his idea/contribution to the new situation. Best of luck to you. I know you want to do what's best for both boys.

[fairfarmhand]

I haven't read the whole thread yet, but I'm wondering...could you ask DS16 what he IS willing to do to help DSS15 adjust into full-time family life? He might surprise you and be more willing to follow through if he feels it's his idea/contribution to the new situation. Best of luck to you. I know you want to do what's best for both boys.

 

Yes. This.

 

Add in a full load of sympathy that this situation is new and hard for everyone. Don't forget that it's a big adjustment too for your own son. Don't make it ALL about your stepson.

 

So, I guess approach it as "Ds, I know this is hard. Are there a few things I can do to help you adjust to all this?" and listen. Don't shoot down his ideas, if they're too impossible, just say, "Hmmm..I'll think it over."

 

And then move on to "Okay so are there things that you can think of that you can do to help dss adjust to this new life we're all living?"

[Scarlett]

I haven't read the whole thread yet, but I'm wondering...could you ask DS16 what he IS willing to do to help DSS15 adjust into full-time family life? He might surprise you and be more willing to follow through if he feels it's his idea/contribution to the new situation. Best of luck to you. I know you want to do what's best for both boys.

  

Yes. This.

 

Add in a full load of sympathy that this situation is new and hard for everyone. Don't forget that it's a big adjustment too for your own son. Don't make it ALL about your stepson.

 

So, I guess approach it as "Ds, I know this is hard. Are there a few things I can do to help you adjust to all this?" and listen. Don't shoot down his ideas, if they're too impossible, just say, "Hmmm..I'll think it over."

 

And then move on to "Okay so are there things that you can think of that you can do to help dss adjust to this new life we're all living?"

Good ideas. Thank you.

[Supertechmom]

He is kind and respectful. He just wants to ditch him when it comes to friends. How much do I allow it.

 

Every. time. he. wants.

 

Please remember you don't have typical sibling bond.  My hubby considers his steps as nothing more than temporary.   The relationship only exists because of a legal agreement between his parent and their spouse.   He has no desire to be their friends, know their families, or be involved in anyway with them.    

 

If your son feels that way, forcing won't make it better.

[Scarlett]

Every. time. he. wants.

 

Please remember you don't have typical sibling bond. My hubby considers his steps as nothing more than temporary. The relationship only exists because of a legal agreement between his parent and their spouse. He has no desire to be their friends, know their families, or be involved in anyway with them.

 

If your son feels that way, forcing won't make it better.

That sounds very harsh to me. I certainly hope my son never feels that way about any member of our Christian Faith much less a member of his family.

 

Again though I am not trying to force ds16 to feel any way about anyone. I just expect him to include dss15 sometimes.

[TechWife]

15 year old can't drive. How is he going to make his own plans?

 

I don't consider it meddling to make plans so dss15 can do things with friends. But you are right I shouldn't exclude ds16.

Barring a disability, a 15 year old should be well on his way to developing friendships and making his own plans. He can talk to his friends, they figure out what they want to do and then they seek parental permission and work out getting a ride, either from you, a friend or a friend's parent. It really is a developmental step - he will practice negotiating, compromising and planning as he hones his social skills.

[OneStepAtATime]

15 year old can't drive. How is he going to make his own plans?

 

I don't consider it meddling to make plans so dss15 can do things with friends. But you are right I shouldn't exclude ds16.

He finds out what is happening and if it is something he wants to participate in he then asks if someone is available to drive him or can find an alternate way to get there.

 

Examples for my 15 year old:

DD got a call from a friend that he was performing in a play and would like us to come. DD passed on the information to me and asked if it was feasible.  I figured out I could drive her.  DS was invited but chose not to come.  I drove DD and stayed for the performance.  We had fun.

 

DD asked DH and I if we could take her to go hang out with friends.  I had time.  She contacted her friends to see who would be available to go do laser tag.  I picked up those who needed a ride and the others met us there.  

 

DD found out through her drama group that some of them were going to the drama director's house to watch a movie.  She asked me if she could go.  I said yes but I could not drive her.  She found a ride with a family we trust and got to go.  

 

DD wanted to join a youth group at a church we are not members of but have friends who attend.  I know the church and the youth group leader.  I agreed but told her I would not be able to drive her every time.  DD talked with another parent about sometimes getting rides with them.  The other parent called me and we worked out a schedule.

 

ETA:  I realize he has not been there full time yet, so he probably does not have the same level of rapor as your 16 year old and others may not yet be aware that he is there full time now so they won't know to invite him.  This will take time.

Edited August 4, 2016 by OneStepAtATime

[Scarlett]

He finds out what is happening and if it is something he wants to participate in he then asks if someone is available to drive him or can find an alternate way to get there.

 

Examples for my 15 year old:

DD got a call from a friend that he was performing in a play and would like us to come. DD passed on the information to me and asked if it was feasible. I figured out I could drive her. DS was invited but chose not to come. I drove DD and stayed for the performance. We had fun.

 

DD asked DH and I if we could take her to go hang out with friends. I had time. She contacted her friends to see who would be available to go do laser tag. I picked up those who needed a ride and the others met us there.

 

DD found out through her drama group that some of them were going to the drama director's house to watch a movie. She asked me if she could go. I said yes but I could not drive her. She found a ride with a family we trust and got to go.

 

DD wanted to join a youth group at a church we are not members of but have friends who attend. I know the church and the youth group leader. I agreed but told her I would not be able to drive her every time. DD talked with another parent about sometimes getting rides with them. The other parent called me and we worked out a schedule.

 

ETA: I realize he has not been there full time yet, so he probably does not have the same level of rapor as your 16 year old and others may not yet be aware that he is there full time now so they won't know to invite him. This will take time.

Yes probably so.

[Renthead Mommy]

Well we either walked, rode our bikes or got rides.  Often one parent (like my mom dropped us off) and another parent who was more of a late night person would pick up. 

 

My 14yo comes to me and says "Can I go to xyz?"  "Sure. What is the plan and How are you getting there?"  "Can you drive?"  which comes to either yes or no.   Once the plan was for 5 of them to ride bikes 5 miles away to the pool because the girl putting it together, her mom could not drive them.  I preferred them not biking their because of the road they would have to take so then I said I would drive them.

 

I may say Do you want to call Marcus and see if he wants to come over, but Marcus lives 30 miles away and I am asking simply because if you do, this will be a good time for me to drive out there, or I want to go to that town for something. 

 

Beyond that I don't set up 'playdates' any longer. 

[fraidycat]

Lol......that is just so different from my world. How does your 13 year old get places?

With my 13 year old:

 

Mom, X and I want to do Y at Z time, can I go?

 

I look at our schedule and decide if it works. Then ask if she needs a ride or if X's parent is driving.

 

Or: Mom, can you take me to friendA's house so we can hang out?

 

Yes, I have to go out at B o'clock for errand, I can drop you off then.

[8circles]

"Hey, DSS15, would you like to invite some friends over today?  Why don't you give them a call and see if they're free?"

"Hey, DSS15, I'm happy to drive you to see the new ______ movie - did you want to see if some friends want to join you?"

 

I don't think there is anything overly meddling about saying these kinds of things to help establish how things work in your home.  DSS15 is new to living with you full-time.  That is an adjustment & he may not be in the know about how to go about these things in your home.  

 

I do think there is a level of kindness that I would expect from my teenagers, but I wouldn't ever expect them to include their siblings with their friends.  I do understand that it can become tricky when kids are close in age & they have shared friends.  But I think once DSS15 gets more involved in the "social scene", in part by doing some inviting himself, this will work itself out.

[CubsFan23]

If I may ask...OP, if you came here for advice, and nearly every person here is telling you pretty much the same thing, and you keep arguing and insisting on doing it your way, then did you really want advice in the first place...or did you just want to hear what you wanted to hear?

[Scarlett]

If I may ask...OP, if you came here for advice, and nearly every person here is telling you pretty much the same thing, and you keep arguing and insisting on doing it your way, then did you really want advice in the first place...or did you just want to hear what you wanted to hear?

Interesting first post.

[Scarlett]

"Hey, DSS15, would you like to invite some friends over today? Why don't you give them a call and see if they're free?"

"Hey, DSS15, I'm happy to drive you to see the new ______ movie - did you want to see if some friends want to join you?"

 

I don't think there is anything overly meddling about saying these kinds of things to help establish how things work in your home. DSS15 is new to living with you full-time. That is an adjustment & he may not be in the know about how to go about these things in your home.

 

I do think there is a level of kindness that I would expect from my teenagers, but I wouldn't ever expect them to include their siblings with their friends. I do understand that it can become tricky when kids are close in age & they have shared friends. But I think once DSS15 gets more involved in the "social scene", in part by doing some inviting himself, this will work itself out.

Yes that is pretty much exactly how I talk to dss15.

[Scarlett]

So dss15 has come to live with us. Right now it is just normal summer visitation which he does every year, but I dunno it already feels different. I guess because I am taking him to guitar lessons and Dh took him to the dentist and I signed him up for school.

He and ds16 are only a year apart. Ds16 has his own car and his friends....and he never wants ds15 to come along.

How do you handle that? I don't think they have to do everything together...but I am not going to allow ds16 to exclude dss15 every time.

  

If I may ask...OP, if you came here for advice, and nearly every person here is telling you pretty much the same thing, and you keep arguing and insisting on doing it your way, then did you really want advice in the first place...or did you just want to hear what you wanted to hear?

I asked for others to share how they handle it. And I have not shot down every idea. I learn a lot and I do change the way I address things sometimes, but I can ask for others ideas without implementing or agreeing with all of them.

[Lecka]

I don't know, not having kids this age.

 

But I do think that it could be good to talk to your dss about being allowed to invite kids, mentioning kids he could invite, suggesting activities and times, offering to her snacks or whatever, etc.

 

He might not have stayed long enough to invite kids over in the past, and appreciate it.

 

I think if you see that he has some social opportunities, you won't mind as much when your son is not inviting him.

 

I think it might make your dss seem less like a 3rd wheel, too, and seem more desirable if they gravitate to the same kids. If they don't, then when it gets to be a weekend, maybe your dss will have plans or more options.

 

I think you can help/encourage your dss to make friends on his own, though, instead of depending on your ds.

 

I do think it would be better if ds really wanted to do this.

 

But if he doesn't maybe dss feels like a 3rd wheel, and maybe it puts him in an awkward position.

 

But helping him to make his own friends seems like it could be helpful.

 

I think if you didn't have ds, but had your church community, you might be inviting nice kids you know to hang out, or inviting them to do something.

[mamiof5]

Dss15 is mild to the extreme. He would just say it's fine, I'm fine, I don't ever need to go anywhere or do anything.

 

Tonight ds16 asked to go to friends house to swim.....I said yes, take ds15 and go. Ds16 opted to just not go. I am embarrassed and sad and annoyed by this.

Then, I would have let ds15 choose if he wanted to go, and ds16 could have stayed home if that was his choice.

 

I didn't read the entire thread, but this post really got my attention and had to reply.

 

No offense to your ds16, I'm sure he is a wonderful boy, loving and kind. BUT, he is an only child and he's sure acting like one. The thing is, he's not an only child anymore, and he's had a relationship with his brother for a while, this is not a recent ordeal.

 

We try to follow a lot of "WWJD" scenarios. What would Jesus do if he was ds16? He would treat him kindly, make him feel welcome. He wouldn't care if He had to share friends with ds15.

 

We also pose a lot of "how would you feel if this was you" scenarios. How would it feel if ds15 wanted to leave ds16 behind all the time?

 

I know it's hard. But, if for some reason or another they both know the same people and are friends with the same folks then ds16 has to suck it up and accept that ds15 is around more often.

 

If friends don't have an issue with both coming, I wouldn't force any of them not to go. They are both invited, they can both go. If ds16 decides to stay home then I'm sorry, that's his choice, a poor choice.

[QueenCat]

15 year old can't drive. How is he going to make his own plans?

 

I don't consider it meddling to make plans so dss15 can do things with friends. But you are right I shouldn't exclude ds16.

 

You tell him when you are available to drive or host, and then let him do the inviting.

[eternalsummer]

Then, I would have let ds15 choose if he wanted to go, and ds16 could have stayed home if that was his choice.

 

I didn't read the entire thread, but this post really got my attention and had to reply.

 

No offense to your ds16, I'm sure he is a wonderful boy, loving and kind. BUT, he is an only child and he's sure acting like one. The thing is, he's not an only child anymore, and he's had a relationship with his brother for a while, this is not a recent ordeal.

 

We try to follow a lot of "WWJD" scenarios. What would Jesus do if he was ds16? He would treat him kindly, make him feel welcome. He wouldn't care if He had to share friends with ds15.

 

We also pose a lot of "how would you feel if this was you" scenarios. How would it feel if ds15 wanted to leave ds16 behind all the time?

 

I know it's hard. But, if for some reason or another they both know the same people and are friends with the same folks then ds16 has to suck it up and accept that ds15 is around more often.

 

If friends don't have an issue with both coming, I wouldn't force any of them not to go. They are both invited, they can both go. If ds16 decides to stay home then I'm sorry, that's his choice, a poor choice.

 

 

DSS was not invited.  OP invited DSS on DS's behalf, kind of.

[RootAnn]

I understand you want your ds16 to act compassionately & generously toward others - including his step brother.

 

Forcing him to include him isn't going to teach him that. Others have pointed out many ways you can help your dss15 to forge his own path. IMO, eventually, your ds16 will figure out that his step brother isn't as threatening (or annoying? or ??) as it seems he might believe him to be right now.

 

FWIW, my two oldest kids have completely different friends. My oldest always tries to include dd#2 in activities, but dd#2 doesn't care for them. If I had forced her to include her younger sister, dd#1 would probably have rebelled and stopped trying to include her. DD#1 has friends who get along well with DD#2, but dd#2 doesn't consider them her friends. DD#2 has a friend who doesn't mind if dd#3 tags along. DD#3 has friends who enjoy hanging out with DD#2. I don't force them to include their sibling(s).

 

I don't come from a blended family, but I do come from a family where forcing things has always turned out badly for all involved.

[Scarlett]

I'm sorry, Scarlett, but I think your son is acting like a turd. I would never let my child act that way without a full explanation from him. Has he even tried to give you his reasons? I would expect much more from someone who'd been a part of this family for 6 years, even part time. Because he is family. Perhaps your son is jealous of losing full time attention from you, but maybe he's just being cruel.How has he treated his step brother in the past? If he's never really been able to accept him, then I'd just tell the stepson the truth, and let your son know how it makes you feel, and that you will continue to care and parent both of them. I understand their group of friends are the same-- maybe your son sees the stepbrother as competing for friends that he doesn't want to share, maybe he thinks they'll like the boy more than him once he's there full-time?

Your son is being immature and freezing the kid out. Teens can be annoying like that. Hopefully he'll grow up and learn that his stepbrother is a positive part of his life. Forcing him will probably backfire and make things worse for your stepson. If it keeps up, too, your group of friends and the other kids will see his unkind behavior. Maybe they can help him adapt.

Yep basically just how I feel about it. I dont think ds16 cares about losing my attention, because he is in the stage where he wants to distance himself from me anyway. Except just now after me being gone all day he came and laid across my lap for 10 minutes or so.

 

Jealousy......He does say a lot of things like 'oh perfect dss15!' Which I call him on because no one is saying that or comparing him to dss15 at all. He is a quirky kid to begin with and he always feel like the kids don't like him and obsesses over things he said or did....but he is liked. I really feel sure about that. But they like dss15 too. And so they have to share a home and friends now and sometimes rides. I really think ds16 just needs to suck it up and grow up a little.

 

I came home from work and Dh isn't here.....dinner was started, so I finished up and the three of us are. They chatted and laughed and interacted fine.

 

I am not going to try and force anything except that sometimes ds is going to have to take dss15 along. I know I am in the minority here on this board in how I see this. I am just thankful Dh and I agree on it.

[eternalsummer]

scarlett, did you have step siblings growing up?  I think maybe it is a different relationship, especially when established so late, than you want it to be.

[Scarlett]

No step siblings for me. I don't want their relationship to BE anything. I just want my son to be kind.

[lllll]

nm

Edited August 7, 2016 by ~ d9n

[purplejackmama]

No step siblings for me. I don't want their relationship to BE anything. I just want my son to be kind.

There must be much more going on than you have told us. (Which is absolutely fine! Um hello, public forum!) But I haven't seen any posts where your son hasn't been kind. You say he talks, laughs, and interacts with your SS. So what if he wants to hang with his own friends? That's ok. He doesn't have to be BFF with his stepbrother.

 

Some of us have valuable insight for you since you weren't raised in a blended family. It can be darn tough. We were trying to help you with our BTDT experiences. It sounds like you aren't really interested in our advice which is totally fine. But know that this is a hard adjustment. For everyone.

[katilac]

 But I haven't seen any posts where your son hasn't been kind.  

 

 

Saying that he no longer wanted to go somewhere just because dss was going also wasn't very kind. 

[purplejackmama]

Saying that he no longer wanted to go somewhere just because dss was going also wasn't very kind.

I disagree. But I have my own step sibling baggage I bring to cloud my view. :)

[Truscifi]

I am from a blended family.

 

Don't force ds16 to include dss15 at all. But do create as many opportunities as possible for dss15 to get his own invites. Hopefully the pool party will help with this, along with making sure everyone in your circle knows dss15 is there full time now.

 

In the case of ds16 changing his mind about going swimming when dss15 said he wanted to go too, was dss15 already invited? Could you have gone ahead and take dss15? Perhaps given ds16 some gas money to drop dss15 off?

[ChocolateReignRemix]

 

Contrast that to our 5 hs'ed kids.  They make friends with whomever they like, no matter the ages.  And I don't think that's unusual for hs'ed kids, as you probably already know.

Most kids have "friends" of various ages. 

[Scarlett]

I am from a blended family.

 

Don't force ds16 to include dss15 at all. But do create as many opportunities as possible for dss15 to get his own invites. Hopefully the pool party will help with this, along with making sure everyone in your circle knows dss15 is there full time now.

 

In the case of ds16 changing his mind about going swimming when dss15 said he wanted to go too, was dss15 already invited? Could you have gone ahead and take dss15? Perhaps given ds16 some gas money to drop dss15 off?

 

it is so hard to explain everything that happens. There was more to the night where ds16 changed his mind about going. He was not directly invited by the homeowner and I asked him to confirm with the homeowner that it would be ok if he came. He didn't want to do that either. There was also the issue of him not telling me who all would be there. I already knew and he didn't know I knew. So my head was already spinning about several different things.....in front of ds15 he said wasn't going because he didn't want to call the home owner. But to me privately he said he didn't want to take dss15 either. So it was quite the mess.

[Scarlett]

To the above bolded, I think that has more to do with having been public-schooled instead of home-schooled. Most of the kids I went to public school with had their own set of friends because that's the way the schools were set up - we got to know the kids in our separate classes better than the rest of the kids in school. So even though I may have known WHO my brothers' friends were, seen them around our house, played basketball in the backyard occasionally, or even ridden motorcycles with them occasionally ... I never 'hung out' with them or went places with them. They just happened to be at our house and I happened to be outside with nothing to do.

 

Contrast that to our 5 hs'ed kids. They make friends with whomever they like, no matter the ages. And I don't think that's unusual for hs'ed kids, as you probably already know.

 

Were you hs'ed? I'm actually a little surprised that you would be "shocked", and don't know anyone like that.

I was not homeschooled. And my brother is 4 1/2 years younger than me. Even so I hauled him around to a lot of places with me....my best friend and I had him and her siblings with us a lot.

[Scarlett]

We are having some teens over for board games and pizza tomorrow night. There will be 7 of them all together.

[2squared]

Most kids have "friends" of various ages.

Agree with this. My five public/private schooled kids have friends of varying ages, usually +/- 2 years. Their social circles definitely overlap, but they don't share friends. It's kinda like an inner circle and an outer circle. Each kid has a unique inner circle of their own. Each kid also has an outer circle, and these do overlap. Often inner circle friends from one kid overlap with outer circle friends from another kid. Sometimes there's no overlap too.

 

My kids struggle without their unique inner circles. Those inner circles are very important for their self-confidence. When they try to share friends in inner circles, it doesn't work out for anyone.

[Annie G]

Question for all of you: do you have a graduated driver's license in your state? Here, a 16yo would not be driving a bunch of friends around. 

 

Back when I had some drivers and some not, if a child told me a plan to got to town, I'd ask privately if a younger could go along (if I thought it was something the younger would enjoy). Sometimes they'd say yes, and sometimes no, depending on where they were going and what they were doing. And sometimes I'd say, hey, I need you to take little sister as she's meeting friends. My older one wouldn't expect to be a babysitter, but just a ride. And I'd add--take $5 out of my wallet to help with gas. The answer was always: cool. 

 

We do.  Kids can drive family members, even step siblings. But I think only one non family member in the first year. 

 

I had no problem 'asking' a kid to drive another somewhere- using my car and gas, it was no different than if I asked a teen to take out the trash or cut the grass. At least they liked driving. g

[Scarlett]

Question for all of you: do you have a graduated driver's license in your state? Here, a 16yo would not be driving a bunch of friends around.

 

Back when I had some drivers and some not, if a child told me a plan to got to town, I'd ask privately if a younger could go along (if I thought it was something the younger would enjoy). Sometimes they'd say yes, and sometimes no, depending on where they were going and what they were doing. And sometimes I'd say, hey, I need you to take little sister as she's meeting friends. My older one wouldn't expect to be a babysitter, but just a ride. And I'd add--take $5 out of my wallet to help with gas. The answer was always: cool.

Yes this state has the graduate license. No one under 21 except for siblings.